Oh, Andy, I am so excited for Cheryl to see this.
(LAUGHS)
I don't know what's more shocking,
that you remembered your anniversary,
or that you didn't just buy a gift
at the gas station on the way home.
Andy, you can only get away with that once.
Cheryl, for once, let me be the first to say,
happy anniversary.
Oh, my God! You remembered!
Yeah, yeah.
How'd you fit five sticks of beef jerky in that little box?
Ready?
(GASPS)
Oh, honey, I'm...
I'm speechless.
Yeah.
Thank you! Oh, you're welcome.
So, where's mine?
In the driveway or the bedroom?
(LAUGHS) Not even close.
No, huh?
Dana, you want to help me with dinner?
Sure. Okay.
You think she knows how much that cost?
She will in a second.
I left the price tag on the box.
Nice.
Oh, my God, oh, my God!
Jim remembered our anniversary, and I didn't!
Eh, so you did one bad thing.
Jim's still ahead by , .
There's no way I can go out there without a present.
Oh!
I can't believe I forgot our anniversary.
I can't believe you're still having them.
JIM: Oh, baby.
Hey, honey, here you go.
It's not diamonds, but it is from the heart.
Happy anniversary.
Oh! Wow.
This is all for me?
Mmm, just for you.
Wow, look at this!
Uh-huh!
There I am.
I used to be so thin.
That's Cheryl.
Oh, well, we have similar features,
and I own the same top.
Oh, look at Kyle.
He's so cute in his little stroller.
(LAUGHS)
Whatever happened to that stroller?
You know, I've seen Cheryl do this before.
She just presses a button,
and the whole thing collapses.
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
I think I heard a click.
That was my knee. Oh.
(GRUNTS)
You want to get the door?
Look at Gracie in her first ballet recital.
Yeah. She was awful.
Yeah. Yeah, we're not the most graceful family.
Well...
Oh, I remember my first dance recital.
I was nine, and I danced Giselle.
I could have been a professional.
Oh!
See? I can do anything.
Yay! Yay!
CHERYL: Hey, what's going on down there?
JIM: Outside!
Yeah. And the tickets were just great.
Yeah, well, anyway... Thank you. Yeah.
(BOTH CHUCKLING) Hey!
I'm sorry! I'm fine.
(EXCLAIMS)
(GRUNTS)
(EXCLAIMS)
(EXCLAIMS)
(SCREAMS)
JIM: Give it to me, baby, give it to me!
(GRUNTS)
(GROANING)
Dude, hit me high! Ow!
CHERYL: Are you gonna fix that bathroom door today?
Yeah, I'm gonna do a little research.
: class, let's move.
(SCREAMING)
Andy!
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
(GRUNTING)
How do babies do this?
Cheryl, you look so hot in this one.
What? We were camping.
I had just finished gutting a fish.
That's my wife,
hard on a bass and easy on the eyes.
(LAUGHING) Oh.
Cheryl, what are you doing in here wearing that sexy outfit?
You're driving me crazy!
Jim, it's a sweatshirt and sweat pants.
Ponytail, ponytail!
Oh, sorry, sorry. I'll take it out.
Cheryl...
Do you want a pole to do that on?
Cheryl...
You are making me very angry...
And very hot.
(LAUGHS)
Jim, this is our children's room,
and my mother is right down the hall.
Oh, keep talking, keep talking, keep talking.
You took her to the ballet?
Yeah, I wanted her to think I was cultured,
so I could tune in Tokyo, you know?
Honey, can I talk to you in the other room for just a second?
No, I'm not going in the other room with you
to talk,
so you can appeal to my emotions.
No way, I'm smarter than that.
I'm the mood for a quickie.
I know you're lying.
Am I?
I can't be % sure. Come on.
To show you how much I love you,
I'm giving you a special present.
Yes!
No, Jim. No, no, no, no, Jim.
Some guys can have sex when they're upset.
I am one of those guys.
Where's Cheryl?
In the bedroom.
Yes!
Okay, okay, here, here, here.
Girls, Aunt Dana is gonna take you out for some ice cream.
Come on, go, go, go, go, go, go! What?
I need some alone time with your sister.
Oh, my God, girls, let's go! Move, move, move!
You want to have sex?
Yeah.
(SIGHS) That's good to know.
Wow, years.
Yeah.
How have you put up with me for so long?
Oh, honey.
The truth is, I'm just too tired to start over with anyone new.
(LAUGHS)
What's that?
Well, I guess this as good a time to tell you as any.
This is a book.
Didn't you ever do anything perfect?
I married you.
I'm kidding.
That is a cheap sh*t, Cheryl.
I am storing that one.
Oh, you mean where your hair used to be?
Come on, there is a fire in this belly.
Yeah, and good luck putting that out.
Hey, Cheryl, you've got to make one of those for us.
Yeah, I'll get right on that.
Stop it! Okay, I'll stop it.
Cheryl, see, this is why better-looking guys didn't marry you.
Wow, look at Ruby dressed up as a lady pilgrim.
Oh.
Oh, we have had some wonderful Thanksgivings. Huh?
Yeah, some pretty weird ones, too. Yeah.
DANA: Okay, it's the first Thanksgiving.
And you turn to the pilgrims, and you sing...
BOTH: ♪ Corn and fish
♪ Corn and fish
♪ We have brought our favorite dish ♪
Welcome to the new world.
Please don't k*ll us and steal our land.
Uh...
Wait. Where did you get that from, Gracie?
Uncle Andy put it in.
He said we had to send a message to Whitey.
Whitey?
Nothing like a brush with death
to put you in the mood for fine English caramel.
(GOBBLING)
Uh...
JIM: Andy, will you stop it?
(GRUNTS)
(GOBBLING)
Andy, enough!
(SCREAMING)
(EXCLAIMING IN PAIN)
Hey, no fair,
Dana's in twice as many pictures as me.
That's 'cause you take up twice as much of the frame.
Ow! Hey, hey, hey!
All right, you guys, can we just act like adults for once?
Sure.
(SCREAMS)
I'll give you five bucks
if you touch that lady's hair.
Five bucks?
Five bucks, just to touch it?
Do you feel my hand on the top of your underwear?
Yes. Yes, I do.
Yeah.
Well, how would you feel
if I pulled it up over your head?
(LAUGHS)
You wouldn't dare, not in a public place.
(PANTING)
All right!
(SCREAMS) Oh, God, no! No!
Tell me! I don't know anything!
(HAWKING) (SCREAMS) All right!
Ooh, I want this big one here.
No, that one's mine.
Oh, really? We'll see about that.
(SPITS)
Well played.
By the way, I've been spitting in your coffee the entire cruise.
Please, I knew you'd do that,
so I've been switching it with your coffee.
Damn it! I drank my own spit.
I drank my own spit!
(LAUGHING)
Daddy, can you play with us?
Well, we're in a room together. The TV's not on.
That's playing.
You know what used to help me with numbers and stuff
is like a rhyme or a song or something like that.
Give me a b*at. Give me a b*at.
(b*at-BOXING)
♪ My name is And I'm two times nine
♪ Man, I'm doing fine
♪ I really want to get up to heaven
♪ Three times nine is twenty... ♪
Eleven! No!
No!
Come here, sweetheart, let me help you here.
Here, yeah, just pick it up.
And you just let it go!
Now remember, if you do a good job at the game,
I'm gonna give you a whole dollar!
Can I get a lollipop, too?
All right.
But it's gonna come out of your dollar.
Take off your snow clothes.
Come here, Kyle, let me take off your coat here.
Okay, girls, back to the park.
And as always, not a word to your mother.
I just made brownies. Who wants to lick the bowl?
(ALL CHEERING)
Hey!
Don't worry, I saved you the beaters.
Just don't make a mess.
When have we ever made a mess?
Please!
Will you take it easy?
(FLUSHING) (EXCLAIMING)
Oh, my God, it's gone!
I'll get you a new one.
It's a $ beard.
I'm not gonna pay $ .
Overflow! Overflow!
Okay, turn off the water! Hold on.
It's not moving. It's not moving!
Okay. All right, I'm out of here.
No, don't leave me!
I can't have Crannis find me here.
Oh, my gosh!
(GRUNTS)
Give me a hand! Give me a hand!
Give me a hand!
Don't touch me there.
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Coming!
(SCREAMS)
I'd give it a minute.
I did some pretty lethal food combining tonight.
Hold it! Hold it!
I got it. Here, here, here!
(SCREAMS)
You ass!
There are children here. Watch your mouth.
Jim!
(JIM SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
Oh, Andy!
Jim! Get me off this thing!
Andy! Andy!
Hey! Ow!
(SCREAMING IN PAIN)
Thought you guys might want some napkins.
Oh, my God.
Bears have better table manners than you two.
Come on. Hey, be nice, it's his anniversary.
When am I not nice?
Please! Please!
Aunt Dana, will you ever have a baby?
Oh, of course I will, sweetie.
But what if you don't?
What did I just say? Now get off my back.
Hey, Jim, why don't you lie down on the couch?
We can pretend it's your funeral.
Oh, no, we can't!
There's too many people here.
You have the luxury of being yourself
because you married beneath you!
No offense, Jim.
None taken. I married up.
I love our bed. I don't want to give up our mattress.
To be fair, she's already given up her career,
her ambition, and her dignity.
I would never do that! (LAUGHS)
I know, because you're not fun.
That is a lousy thing to say.
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you knew.
Oh, this book is...
(JIM READING)
(ANDY READING)
She made this for my mom, not you!
Mmm-hmm. Ha, she forgot our anniversary!
Yes!
I told you one day she would finally screw up!
You're right again.
Yeah, you know more about women than anyone else.
Yes, I have a master's degree in chick-ology.
It's not a natural thing for men to get married!
It just isn't!
I mean, you know, it's the cavewomen that came up with that
because they didn't know how to start fires, you see.
That's the truth.
And then man created the wheel to get away.
There's not one thing in this room that I've picked, not one thing!
Look, anything there? No. Anything here? No. Look.
Bonsai tree, yours.
Dust ruffle, yours.
Duvet, yours.
And the fact that I even know those words makes my skin crawl!
Come on, you girls have everything!
You do! You're better looking.
You give birth. You run companies!
You run countries! You can talk better than us!
You're smarter than us! You've got everything!
You're even k*lling your own bugs now.
Come on, all we got is we lift heavy objects and sports!
We have sports.
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, you got sports.
You can have your synchronized swimming
and that thing in the Olympics
where they, you know, dance around
with a ribbon on a stick.
Which, by the way, is not a sport.
What do you mean, it's not a sport?
Well, call Vegas, put a bet on it!
And women sometimes send some crazy messages.
Like your sleeve is not a Kleenex.
Exactly!
I'm damn lucky you're here to set me straight.
I know! That's what I've been telling your mother!
Every time I screw up, we have to sit down
and have one of these "feelings talks."
All right? But when you screw up, we just want to "let it go"?
No, I don't want to "Let it go."
I want to have a feelings talk right now.
I want to say the things to you, that you say to me.
(SIGHS)
Look at me.
Look at me.
Oh!
(SIGHS)
What were you thinking?
I am at the end of my rope.
Cheryl... Hi, sweetie.
Happy anniversary. Oh, thank you.
You know what?
Uh, honey, what are you doing?
Well, I am so ashamed.
What?
Well, you gave me a gift from the heart,
and I just went to some mall
and maxed out our credit card.
Honey, I love that pendant.
No, Cheryl, I know that,
but I want to make you something.
Well, but... A poem.
Oh...
"With eyes of blue and hair of yellow,
(GIGGLES)
"You make me feel like a lucky fellow.
"You clean the house and cook the food.
"Despite three kids, you still look good."
Aw!
"Your love for me I've always trusted,
"until today, because now
"you are busted!"
♪ Busted, busted, busted busted, busted, busted!
♪ Yes, yes, busted ♪ Fine, fine, fine.
Fine, I deserve that.
Uh... I'm an awful person.
I forgot our anniversary.
Cheryl... How could I forget such a special day?
Cheryl, let me finish my poem.
Oh.
"Our anniversary date was not on your list.
"But the perfect gift
"is just one kiss."
Aw!
There.
(SIGHS) Honey.
Happy anniversary.
It is so beautiful. Thank you.
You're welcome.
Are there earrings that go with this?
Uh, maybe for your birthday
in... August.
August.
Fourteenth. Twenty-third.
Twenty third.