Oh! Okay, here we go. First time eating solid food.
This is so exciting. I know!
First time trying stevie b's windy city rib feast.
I'm so excited.
I know!
Got some on your cheek. I'll get it.
Oh, you got some on your cheek. Mm.
No, no, I'll get it.
Okay, tanner.
Chew, chew, chew. (Makes chewing sounds)
Chew! Chew! Chew!
Okay, get it out.
Get it out. (Grunts)
Get it out. (Grunts)
(Burps)
Yay! (Cheryl) oh, yay!
(Both grunt)
Got it?
♪♪♪
Jim... Hmm?
I found some naked lady playing cards.
Wouldn't those be fun to look at?
Why, yes. (Laughs)
They would be very fun to look at.
Oh. Thank you.
Yeah, I also have some things for you to sign.
Like what?
Wow, look at the queen of hearts, huh?
And sign...
Wow.
It must be really cold up there in that ski lodge.
Oh, yeah. I bet.
Wow, check out the of spades and sign...
(Laughs) ?
I think she's a -plus.
(Laughing) oh, you.
Wait a minute. What am i-- what am I signing here?
Am i... Am I paying bills?
Hey, honey, look.
I'm kissing the of clubs, and she's chinese.
Cheryl, that is not working...
(Makes kissing sounds)
Entirely.
What--what is going on here?
What--what is this doctor bill for $ ?
(Sighs)
What, did you have another baby?
No, jim. Kyle had a little growth on his chin.
He's fine. Thank god.
Now sign the check.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, wait. What was it?.
He had a-a-a legume-based encrustation
On--on his chin
That was removed by noninvasive means
Through the use of textiles
With--with no harm to the patient.
(Cheryl pouring coffee)
He had peanut butter on his face,
And a doctor wiped it off with a cloth?!
Okay, how did you figure that out?
Cheryl, I am not the one on trial here.
You're the one
Who took our kid to the doctor
For peanut butter?
Okay, okay, he had a sandwich, and something got on his chin,
And it got hard, and I got scared.
Ooh! Oh, dr. Clark says it happens all the time.
Oh! "Happens all the time"?
Yes! Come on, cheryl. Hey, I just want you to know,
Tonight when the kids brush their teeth,
That white stuff is toothpaste, not rabies.
Oh. Would you just sign the damn check?
No, I'm not gonna pay for this.
Let the insurance company handle that crap.
Wow, did you see the of clubs?
I mean, it's one card, but that is quite a pair.
Cheryl...
Huh?
I am not a -year-old boy that can be easily distracted
By a naked woman riding a speedboat.
Okay. What happened?
What--what--what's going on? What are you hiding here?
You're hiding something from me. Okay, okay.
The insurance company rejected the claim.
You're kidding me.
No.
Are you--you--cheryl, how could they reject--
Did you talk to 'em? Did you yell at 'em, cheryl?
Did you yell at 'em?
No! But I did leave a strongly worded voice mail.
Whew, boy, I bet they were shaking in their boots
When they deleted that one.
If you want to get what you want,
You gotta sit down, you gotta look 'em right in the eye,
And you gotta charm the pants off 'em.
From now on, I am handling all the health care in this family.
No, no, no! Yes.
Family health care is my territory.
You can't usurp it. It's been usurped!
I am now the czar of health care.
Oh, by the way, cheryl, don't rush to the hospital right now.
That's just egg on your face.
(Laughs)
You know, jim... What?
There's a reason I handle the things I do around here
And you handle the things you do. And what is that?
You can't handle the things I do!
I can't believe you just talked to the czar like that.
Ugh!
You know what? I should have you beheaded,
And I bet I can have the insurance company
Cover it for me.
Denied.
Denied? I lost an eye.
Yeah, well, yesterday I lost my keys.
You're still denied.
Number !
, That's me! That's me!
Excuse--excuse--excuse me.
Aah!
(Laughs) hi.
Can I help you?
, Right here. Uh, right here.
Um, I feel there's been a--
Kind of a misunderstanding here with your company.
Seems that your company
Accidentally rejected one of my family's claims.
Oh! I remember this.
Hey, marcy, it's the peanut butter guy.
(Laughs) you know, your son made our weekly newsletter.
Tell your wife we [span tts:fontstyle="italic"]love the voice mail. (Laughs)
(Laughs)
Well, I'm glad you guys are entertained.
Uh, can you--can you work on my claim, please?
Hold on a second, sir.
Are you--you pulling up my claim?
No, I'm checking my e-mail.
What?!
Your claim has been rejected. What do you want me to say?
Well, maybe you should say,
"Thank you for years of patronage, sir."
Well, maybe you should say,
"Wash your face after dinner, son."
Hey, isn't you company's slogan, "we right there behind you"?
Yeah.
Well, now I now what you're doing behind me.
Number ! What--wait. No, no. You got number right here.
Right here, you got , not .
Look, look, if you keep talking to me like this,
I'm just gonna take my business elsewhere. Okay.
I am serious!
Oh, no!
Don't take away your $ a month.
You'll bring this company to its knees!
I am not afraid of you.
I may be a common man,
But I'm gonna set myself free from the yoke of tyranny,
And I'm gonna cancel my health insurance policy!
You realize when I cancel this policy,
That neither you nor your family has any health insurance?
(Scoffs) realize it? I demand it!
Freedom!
Freedom!
Can you validate my parking, please?
Ooh, you canceled your health insurance?
You sure that's a good idea?
Yeah, come on.
I've made many spur-of-the-moment decisions
In my life, and I've never regretted one of them. What about the tattoo?
If you think a tattoo of mike ditka on my left cheek
Is a mistake, you and I are no longer friends.
Hey. How'd it go with the insurance company?
Did you get anybody's pants?
Well, the czar spoke,
Action was taken,
Parking was validated,
And I think that'll be the very last time
That they deny one of our claims.
Really? Mm-hmm.
I'm impressed. It sounds like you handled that really well.
I have a way with people.
Apparently.
Trust in your czar.
Yeah.
(Singsong voice) he's always behind you.
(Normal voice) see?
Everything's fine.
Everything's under control, my friend.
You know what?
That's the thing I hate about these insurance companies.
They live on fear. They survive on fear.
Well, you know what? You--you are so afraid,
That you won't even make a claim
Because you're afraid they're gonna reject it,
And--and then your insurance is gonna go up.
You know, forget it. I'm not afraid anymore.
If anything happens in this family,
I'm gonna pay for it out of my own pocket.
I mean, how expensive could it be?
We're pretty careful around here.
Dad, I'll be up on the roof.
Everybody freeze!
Get off.
Put that down.
Grow a brain.
Come up.
But I wanted a cookie. And I have a string on my shirt.
I have a theory.
Ooh. What's it gonna be, jim?
Back to the insurance agency
Or up on the roof to test kyle's theory?
Well, hello, pretty lady.
Well, if it isn't the common man.
I almost didn't recognize you
Without the yoke of tyranny around your neck.
Ha ha ha ha!
Well, I hope your company covers the funny bone,
Because you're cracking me up.
You know what?
That's why I like this company so much.
In fact, I want you behind me doing the thing you do best.
I'd like to reinstate my insurance policy.
Hear that, marcy? Mr. Is back.
We don't have to worry about the mass layoffs anymore.
(Laughs)
Anyway, uh,
What about reinstating my insurance policy?
Look, I can't reinstate your policy.
It's canceled.
Would this change things?
Sir, this is a naked lady on a speedboat.
Come on. Can't you help me out here?
Can't you just bend the rules a little bit?
(Sighs)
I suppose I could open your new policy.
(Whispers) okay. Well, let's do that.
Of course now you lost your loyal customer discount,
So your rate will go up %.
%?!
And there's a -day waiting period
Before your new policy kicks in. Five days? Why?
Why not?
We the insurance company, baby.
Okay, jim,
I got their skateboard, arrows and their batteries.
Batteries? What for?
I guess kids at your school
Didn't play "pelt the fat kid with batteries."
Andy, we got five days. Five waiting days.
We gotta watch these kids like a hawk!
Okay, okay. It's only five days,
And--and besides, they're kids. They're mostly cartilage.
But what about me? What happens if I get sick?
Come on! You're in great shape.
You, sir,
Are the healthiest man in this room.
It's five days, jim.
Yeah, yeah. Maybe you're right. I'm just overreacting.
(Cheryl) ah-choo!
Oh, I think I got that flu bug that gracie had.
No! Damn it! Why?!
I mean, god bless you.
Ah-choo!
Oh!
(Sneezes loudly) ohh.
I wanna die.
Here's some tea.
Dana, I have a bug, not the plague.
Look, ryan and I are having dinner in a restaurant
For the first time since tanner was born.
If tanner gets sick, we can't have dinner in a restaurant,
And I need to have dinner in a restaurant.
Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
She is sick. She is sick. She is sick.
She's gonna need to see a doctor.
Whew. A doctor visit is bucks.
$ For blood tests.
Colonoscopy is $ . .
Found that out the hard way.
Look, andy, it's not about the money, all right?
If I take her to the doctor,
She's gonna find out that I canceled our insurance.
Whew. At least with a colonoscopy,
They lube you up first.
You know what? I just oughta convince her
That she doesn't need to see a doctor.
Yeah.
Daddy, ruby and I are playing "kyle's funeral."
How deep is a grave?
I'll get this. You get cheryl.
Now your basic grave is feet, but kyle's short...
I'm gonna go put these under a heat lamp and see what grows.
(Cheryl coughing) hey! Hey!
(Continues coughing) ohh.
Oh, my god. You look terrific!
I really think you've turned the corner.
I have a fever.
(Grunts)
Damn, girl, so do i.
You look [span tts:fontstyle="italic"]really hot in that shawl.
Come on. Let's go upstairs.
No, jim, I have the flu.
You know what they say--
"Feed a cold and playfully spank a fever."
Ah-choo! Oh!
(Groaning)
And that's the second shower of the day for me.
Oh, you know what, jim? I really need to go see a doctor.
They gave gracie amoxicillin, and it really helped.
I want to get started on that, like, today.
Cheryl, you can't go to a doctor right now.
I mean, look at you. You look awful!
You can't go in public!
A second ago, you wanted to have sex with me.
Yeah... From pity.
You know what? I am calling dr. Clark.
No, don't--don't call the doctor. (Groans)
I'll call the doctor, I'll describe your symptoms,
And he'll prescribe some medicine.
All right, whatever, but when I'm feeling better,
You're gonna pay for that pity line.
Good girl. Anger really helps the healing.
(Spraying)
Dana. Huh?
Your husband is a doctor.
Do you think he can prescribe some pills for me
So I can give them to cheryl?
Ryan delivers babies. Call your own doctor.
(Sighs) yeah, I could do that, or...
I could put cheryl's germs all over your baby's face.
What the hell you doing?
I need that prescription.
You wouldn't dare.
How long have you known me, dana?
Okay, okay, okay. Let's just settle down. Uh-huh.
Let's just all be cool here. Oh, I'm so cool right now.
Good.
But I need that prescription, dana.
Now...
Take that phone.
You call your husband right now!
Fine. I have his prescription pad in my purse.
He signs a few for me so I can get whatever I want.
You get the goods.
Come on.
No sudden moves.
Okay. Good girl. Mommy's doing the right thing, tanner.
She's listening to uncle jim.
(Lighter flicks on) step away from the baby.
Don't do anything stupid!
I swear to god I'll do it. Now hand over the snot rags.
Don't push me.
I need to have dinner in a restaurant.
Then hand the pad over. Infected tissues first.
Same time.
One...
Two... Three.
Ha ha ha ha.
Wait, this is a "far side" calendar.
Stay away from my baby.
Oh! Oh! Dana, no!
Dana, if I get sick, I am gonna hunt you down
And lick your baby on the forehead!
(Grunts)
Well, I convinced the kids
That kyle deserves a memorial service,
But they're definitely putting him in the ground today.
Andy, I have no time to even discuss this.
I have to get some amoxicillin for cheryl [span tts:fontstyle="italic"]immediately.
(Laughs) man, that's good stuff.
I give it to my tropical fish all the time for their fin rot.
$ . At the pet store for the exact same medicine.
(Andy opens can)
And, uh, if you spend more than bucks,
You get a free hermit crab.
The...
Exact...
Same...
Medicine?
Yeah.
Wow! Look at you.
I know. I'm so much better,
Thanks to the best husband in the world.
You know, he got me medicine.
I didn't even have to go to the doctor,
And he got me this hermit crab to keep me company.
Well, you certainly look better.
Oh.
Not green around the gills at all.
Thanks, honey. Hey, could you keep an eye on this oatmeal?
I need to go wrangle the kids. Sure, sure.
(Cheryl) thanks.
"Green around the gills."
Andy, you, sir, are a rascal.
Oh. (Sneezes loudly)
Oh, my god. You look terrible.
I am so sick.
Take the fish medicine.
Yeah. Yeah. You know what?
Maybe sex with cheryl
Wasn't such a good idea after all.
Hey, you should take at least .
You, sir, are no guppy.
Yeah.
Oh, these taste like seaweed.
Ugh. I need to wash it down.
You know, jim,
I-i've been thinking about these fish pills.
If we buy bulk from the pet store
And then sell to sick kids on the playground...
I just don't see a downside.
I don't know, andy.
(Screaming)
(All screaming)
What?!
(Mutters)
(Screaming)
(All screaming)
Okay, okay, okay. Dana, get the kids out now.
I can take 'em, but I can't make 'em unsee what they've seen!
We'll take 'em to the museum. They need to see pretty things.
Okay. Jim, jim, we gotta get you in the car.
We need to go to the emergency room. Emergency room?
Yes. The hospital?
Yes.
(Laughs) that's crazy talk.
(Scoffs) come on. I'm the czar here.
I'm fine.
Fine?
You look like you should be under a bridge
Eating billy goats.
I feel perfectly well.
Everything about me feels good.
No. I took some of your medication.
Everything's gonna be fine in a few minutes.
I could use some tea.
No, no, no. You don't need tea.
You're having an allergic reaction to the medication. No, i...
"Amoxicillin... For fish"?
You took fish medicine?
Mm-hmm.
I took fish medicine?!
You gave me fish medicine?!
Okay. You're mad about the fish medicine? Yes!
Could anything make you madder? No!
I canceled our health insurance. What?!
I think you could use some tea.
You... You--you--you--you canceled our health insurance?
The--the insurance for our family...
And its [span tts:fontstyle="italic"]health?
Are you challenging the czar?
No, I'm usurping the czar!
I'm taking over the family health care.
You are overreacting!
Oh, am i, mr. Potato head?
Because what I think
Is that I'm gonna have to grease your head
To fit you into the car. Now come on.
We're going to the emergency room right now.
No! Yes! Yes!
No! Y--jim, y--
All right, fine,
But we're stopping at one place first.
Fine! Go!
(Laughing)
Fish medicine?
Yeah, I thought you and marcy would appreciate the story.
Okay. Okay, honey, we've got to get to the hospital, okay?
Wait, wait, wait. This is too damn funny.
I'm backdating your policy. This one's on us.
(Laughing)
Well, that's very sweet of you.
See, cheryl, I told you.
I've got a way with people.
Yes, you do, honey.