03x06 - We're Gonna b*at This Thing

[bunniefuu]

Jesus, f*ck this f*cking dust.

Disgusting sh*t. f*cking flaps!

Oh, excuse I'm sorry, bro.

Aren't you forgetting something?

Uh

Is it Mother's Day?

No, it's no.

That that was, like,

two months ago. Uh!

So just can you please take

your bowl to the dishwasher?

But the kitchen's all flapped

off. It's not safe back there.

Listen. Sit down, please.

Okay.

I really, really need you to step it up

while Judy's in treatment.

I need you to help me help her.

This is an all-hands-on-deck

kind of situation.

I already gave her my room.

I know. It's such a sacrifice.

You getting to live in the guesthouse

doing whatever it is that you're doing,

and I can't hear you doing it.

You really can't hear,

like, even from your room?

Dude.

Are you still gonna be able to

help me make my cranes for Christ?

The what? Oh, gosh. How

many do I have to make?

- Just a thousand.

- Great.

Jesus Christ needs a lot of cranes.

Uh, yeah, honey. Just you know what?

Just put 'em in here. Thanks, boo.

Is Judy gonna be okay?

Yeah. Yeah, she's gonna be

okay. She's gonna be great.

It's not gonna be like what

happened with Grandma, right?

No. No, that was a different time,

and medicine has come so far since then,

and we're doing all the right

things, so she is gonna be fine, okay?

Okay.

Is is your face sweating?

- Hmm? What?

- There's like right here.

- Oh, I didn't notice.

- Yeah, it's kind of moist.

Don't you ever say

"moist" in this house.

I'm not kidding.

So, the awesome thing is that you wear

the cold cap during your treatment,

and, I mean, yeah, it looks like

an old-timey wrestler's helmet.

- Oh.

- But it'll help you keep your hair.

- Oh, well, that's good.

- Yeah.

- Thanks for hooking that up.

- Of course.

I mean, not that losing your

hair is, like, the biggest deal.

They didn't even have cold

caps when my mom was sick,

so we ended up having

to shave her head, and

Oh, man, she did not have

the head shape for that.

- How you doing? You okay?

- Yeah.

Ooh, smelling a little

crystal-shoppy in here.

Yeah, it's ginger cardamom oil.

- No.

- No? Okay.

It's supposed to block out the toxins.

I thought the point of chemo was

to put toxins in though, right?

Yeah, but I follow this Reiki healer,

and she posted about this woman Kalina

that she met at a sober dance party

who specializes in Chinese medicine

for reproductive cancers,

so I'm doing her protocol.

Okay.

But as long as you do

the Western medicine,

real science stuff, then,

yeah, you do all the woo-woo

business that you want.

And Kalina also

suggests taking mushrooms

to see what the cancer's

trying to teach me.

Oh. Is Kalina a cult leader?

I'm just asking for a friend.

You don't think that every experience

is the universe trying

to teach us something?

I got crabs in Cancun when I was

18. Where's the lesson in that?

You shouldn't f*ck the guy who

sells necklaces on the beach.

I shouldn't have. I

told you that, didn't I?

- Yeah. Twice.

- Okay.

Are you ner you nervous?

Yeah, I'm I'm I'm

just thinking, you know.

After the chemo, I'll

probably go into menopause

which obviously just closes the

book on the whole kids thing, so

That's hard, I know.

I'm so sorry, honey.

Thanks.

Well, if it's any consolation,

I'm menopause-ing too.

I mean, my period comes as frequently

as the Summer Olympics at this point.

Oh.

Is there an opening ceremony?

Yeah, I light a tampon on

fire and run around the house.

- All right! I'm in!

- Yeah.

O say, can you see ♪

Then I throw it at you.

You'll never guess what I

just bought at the craft store.

Well, if I'm never gonna

guess, then don't make me guess.

I don't know what you

do when you're not here.

Oh, uh, I'm always working, boss.

What is that?

Pretty sure that's the

w*apon that k*lled Steve Wood.

That bird?

Uh, well, not that bird,

but I was at The Sawmill last week.

You'll never guess who was there.

- So just tell me.

- Ben Wood.

Holding a bird, just like this

one. Only his was missing a tail.

- So?

- So I asked him where he got it.

- You wanna guess?

- Just quit making me guess sh*t!

From Henry Harding. It

was a gift from Judy Hale.

So what's your point exactly?

This is my point.

You see this?

It's this.

This is this.

This is this.

This is this. That is that.

This is this!

- Don't you see it?

- No, not really.

Well, you need to look closer

because I'm telling you,

there is something here,

and it's got something to do

with Jen Harding and Judy Hale.

Why Jen Harding?

The w*apon was in her house.

- Mm-hmm?

- Mm-hmm.

- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

- Yeah. Yup.

- Mmm.

- Boom.

Don't you think we should

take this to Agent Moranis?

Sure, sure, but, um,

I should be the one to take it

because, um, you know,

since I'm liaising.

Yeah, but you could maybe, you

know, just mention that I found it.

What you haven't found is

the driver of our hit-and-run.

So maybe you can focus

on helping our victims,

instead of trying to

turn them into suspects.

That's not what I'm doing. I told

you I I canvassed the area.

Did you canvas the CCTV in the

surrounding area? You canvas that?

Come on. That'll take,

like, a thousand hours.

- Conservatively.

- Well, if I were you, I'd get started.

All right.

Can I interest you in some snacks?

No? All right.

Uh, a magazine?

- Okey-dokey. Nice cozy blanket? Okay.

- Ooh. Yes, please.

Wow.

This is like first class, except

for instead of nuts, I get chemo.

I also have nuts.

- Delicious.

- Thank you.

Hey.

- Hmm.

- You got this!

- Okay?

- Yeah.

You are gonna k*ll this cance.

Is that what we're calling it?

Well, I'm taking it out

for a little test drive.

Taking her for a spin.

- Oh! Cance.

- In the cance-mobile.

You got the cance? I'm

so sad about the cance.

All right, Miss Judy.

I got the good stuff for you today

and the even better stuff

for the side effects.

- Oh, thank you Francine.

- Oh.

I can tell by that spread that

this is not your first rodeo, huh?

Nope.

Nice to have a pro by your side.

Uh, yeah, it is. I'm lucky.

All right, I am just going

to clean out the port, okay?

Okay. Yeah, yeah.

Gonna have to move your hair.

Okay. All right.

- You okay?

- Hmm? Yeah. No, I'm good.

I just was realizing I hadn't

filled up your water bottle,

so I am gonna go do that.

- Oh, it's around the corner.

- Thank you.

Oh, fu sh*t! g*dd*mn it.

I like your bracelet. It's pretty.

Oh, thank you. I hate

it, but I gotta wear it

'cause my daughter gave it to me.

- Aww. How many kids do you have?

- Four.

But only two good ones.

Come on. That can't be true.

Well, I don't know.

I think my son Frankie was sent

to Earth just to t*rture me.

But you still love him.

Yeah, I do, but I

wouldn't have chosen him.

But I didn't have a say

in that. They choose you.

Really? Hmm.

I probably should have shopped around

a little more before I chose mine.

He should have too.

We have nothing in common.

Ex except we watch Survivor.

We like to watch it together and

strategize how to screw people over.

That's actually sweet.

- Eh. Ready to get comfy?

- Yeah.

- All right, hold on here.

- Okay.

- There we go.

- Oh! Ah!

All right, got your water.

Who's ready to hydrate?!

- Me!

- I'll check on you later.

- There you go. Okay.

- Thank you, Francine.

Thank you, Francine!

- Are you sure you're okay?

- Yeah.

Stop asking me that. I'm great.

All right!

Now you just sit back

and watch in amazement

as I have suddenly developed the ability

to fold 1,000 f*cking cranes.

Oh.

Look at you!

Diagram 1A. Fold A to

Wait, it says fold and unfold.

Yeah, okay, and then

Oh, sh*t. Then flip.

Then B

Honestly, watching you do that is

more painful than getting chemo.

Really? Already pulling

the cance card, are we?

Gimme those.

Fine. You fold the f*cking ducks.

Hey.

- Come in.

- Hi.

Um, my mom told me to bring you this.

Oh, thank you.

And thank you for letting me use

your room. I really appreciate it.

- It wasn't really my choice.

- Oh.

But, you know

I'm supposed to ask if you

need anything else. Do you?

Uh, no. Thanks.

Hey, Charlie.

Have you ever seen Survivor?

The reality show?

Uh-huh. I hear it's good.

It's not. It's a bunch

of starving people

stabbing each other in

the backs for bad pizza.

Oh.

I didn't realize. That

does sound unpleasant.

Yeah.

Mm. They're all medicinal.

It's the one perk

about having the cance.

How are those gummies?

Very delicious.

- Really?

- Mm-hmm.

- Huh.

- Hmm. In fact, you know

I wouldn't even probably notice

if, like, a few went missing

'cause I'm so out of it with the chemo.

Do you want, like, another

pillow or something?

Actually, that would be great.

Thanks.

Anytime.

Hey. Thanks.

Anytime.

Thank you so much, Francine.

How many more have you got of those?

- Um, I lost count.

- Oh!

But I'm getting close.

Well, you're getting

close on everything.

You only got two more of these.

I know, thank God. I will not miss it.

Yeah, but you're gonna miss me, right?

Yes, of course I am.

I will be happy that it's done though.

Get back to life.

Maybe go on a vacation.

Oh, God.

I have not been on a trip

since before Annie was born.

Well, I guess that's the one

good thing about not having kids.

Oh, I think there's

more than one good thing.

You made a good call there.

Hmm. Wasn't really my call.

Just didn't happen.

I didn't get chosen.

Maybe you got chosen for something else.

Maybe.

Definitely. You're a doll!

I'm my mother now, pushing

your hair off your face.

- I like it.

- Look at that cute little punim.

By the way, you can have

any one of these you want.

Really? I don't ever wanna see

them again as long as I live.

Where the hell have you been?

I've called you a thousand times.

I know. I've been a little

busy. I'm I'm sorry.

Look familiar?

- Where where did you get that?

- From Nick.

Evidently your little gal-pal is

handing out birds left and right.

I'm supposed to give it to the FBI.

Maybe I should've.

- Well, I didn't, clearly.

- Okay.

But that doesn't mean they're

not gonna figure it out.

I don't care. Let them

f*cking figure it out.

I don't care!

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't get the memo

that we don't care anymore.

Maybe if you had picked up the phone

and given me that pertinent inform

Judy has cervical cancer!

Oh.

And it's stage four.

- sh*t.

- Don't say "sh*t."

I'm sorry. I I just

know four isn't great.

I know what it means, okay,

and I'm just trying to stay

positive, to stay strong.

But every time I look at

her, I just wanna burst

into tears because

I'm so scared I'm

gonna lose her, and I

I can't let her see me like that.

You don't you don't

have to be nice to me.

Now you tell me?

Hi, Francine. Last chemo.

- You're finally getting rid of me.

- Good morning.

Oh.

Hi. Sorry. Where's Francine?

She d*ed?

- She d*ed!

- Just, like, out of nowhere?

Yeah, a massive heart att*ck.

- Well, that's annoying.

- What? It's devastating.

No, I just mean,

this is, like, the last thing you

need to be dealing with right now.

Me? What about her four kids?

Oh, that is sad.

It is.

I just don't want it

to diminish the fact

that you just finished

three months of chemo, honey.

We should be celebrating.

I don't really feel like

celebrating right now.

Okay, I'm not gonna force it,

but I did get balloons

and a bottle of Dom.

You were right.

Maybe my cancer isn't

trying to teach me anything.

I mean, what is the lesson in

some sweet woman keeping me alive

suddenly f*cking dying?

Oh, God. I I don't know, but

I'm glad she was in your life.

- Is that something?

- No! No, no, it's not!

You know what? Everything

is just so random

and meaningless. Nothing matters.

Okay, we're going dark.

Stupid f*cking tea that tastes

like armpits doesn't matter.

Judy, calm

Dumb greasy tinctures that do

nothing but getting my purse oily!

And smelly.

g*dd*mn it!

- You need to throw everything out.

- Dumb, stupid mushrooms.

Oh, thanks for nothing, Kalina.

f*ck you and your spiritual journey.

I don't need it.

I don't know.

Seems like maybe we need it.

- What are you doing?

- I think I'm doing mushrooms.

What are you doing?

Hmm. Tastes like butt.

Yeah.

Oh, oh! No, no, no,

no, no, that's too

What? Mmm!

Never mind.

I'm excited!

Judy, I went down on a Smurf.

- Oh, no.

- And I had some kind of a reaction.

- Am I swole?

- Oh, no, no, no, I don't like it.

- You don't?

- I don't.

Shh. Shh. It's okay. It's okay. Quiet.

Oh, applesauce!

Who the f*ck eats

applesauce in this house?

- Everybody!

- Do you eat applesauce?

Yes! I'm sitting where you were sitting.

I'm sitting where you sat.

We're water.

Like, we're made of water.

That's what I've been trying to say.

Wow.

Sorry, I forgot to put a top on today.

Jump some hurdles.

Spatula's the most perfect word.

It is. "Spadula."

It's like onomatopoeia.

Onomatopoeia my pants-a!

- It's stupid!

- What is onomatopoeia?

It's saying when a word is what it is!

- What?

- Like, a spatula spats!

It totally does!

It spats it right up!

Does someone here have kids?

By the way, I really

like your vagine skirt.

- Made out of authentic vagines.

- It is!

How many vagines does it take

to get to the center of a vagine skirt?

I know. I know.

- What is it?

- One vagenius.

Mic drop that sh*t.

Oh, gosh.

Your hair feels like a cat.

I had a cat once.

What was its name?

Well, I was deciding

between Patty and Sammy,

but then my mom

opened the door to our

apartment, and it got out.

And I never saw it again.

- Oh, my God, I hate that story!

- Hmm.

- I'm gonna get you a cat.

- You are?

Even though they're f*cking evil.

- But I'm gonna get you a cat.

- No, it's okay.

She wanted to go, so

she wasn't really my cat.

Hmm.

I feel like my mom wasn't really my mom.

- Hmm.

- Moms stay.

Judy, I have to tell you something.

You k*lled Steve?

No.

- I mean, I did! I did.

- I know.

No, that's not what I was gonna say.

But, no, I

I

I was really scared when you

were going through treatment.

- I know you were.

- Mm-hmm.

- I know you.

- Yeah, because of my mom.

Oh, of course, I get it.

I was scared. I'm still scared.

- Of course. It's scary.

- So scary.

Yeah, and I I just

didn't wanna f*ck up

like I did with my mom, and,

you know, I had to mother my mom,

and that just that just

doesn't come naturally for me.

- What? You are the most natural.

- No.

You are, like, the best mom.

Please. I f*cked up

so much with my kids,

and that sh*t is permanent.

You don't get a do-over.

Well, if I had a do-over,

I would pick you as my mom.

You would?

- Mm-hmm.

- Wow.

It's mama-matopoeia.

What?

A mom moms.

Oh.

A mom moms. Whoa.

Mm-hmm.

- A mom moms.

- Mm-hmm.

- Mom.

- Mom.

- Mom.

- Mom.

- Mom.

- Mom!

Mom!

Mom!

Jesus. Oh!

I think I just onomatopoeia'd my pants.

- I did. All right, I'll Ben right back.

- Eww!

- Wait, did you just say "Ben"?

- Ben did I say Ben?

You just said it again.

- No.

- Yeah.

- sh*t!

- What?

All right, I gotta go.

Okay, no, no, no. One thing.

Whatever you do, do

not look in the mirror.

Pee my pants.

Water. Mm.

Oh, mm, no.

Mom?

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

Hey.

You are beautiful.

- You need to take me to the hospital.

- What? Why?

Because I'm having a heart

att*ck. Look at my face.

It's crazy, right?

Did you look in the mirror?

Uh, yeah.

I told you not to do that.

Okay. You are not having a heart

att*ck, you're just tripping.

- Okay?

- Okay.

I think. You do look a little blue.

- You gotta drive me to the ER!

- Do I look like I can drive right now?

Well, you don't have

the best track record.

Ouch.

How you doing, Mom?

Could you please, please stop speeding?

I'm going, like, 20 miles an hour.

No, you are driving

like an octopus drives.

Somebody took too many gummies.

- What? Oh, God.

- Nothing.

You're okay.

Hey, hey, hey, you're okay.

O-okay. No, no, no, please.

- You're a nice boy.

- I'm driving. I'm driving, please.

Where's Mom?

Uh that's a good question.

She

went out for a bit,

and so I'm doing tuck-ins.

Oh, also, I have something for you.

Ta-da!

You did all these?

Yeah. Me and your mom.

- Oh, so, you did them.

- I wanted to.

What are you gonna do with all of these?

- Well, I'm supposed to make a wish.

- Oh!

Like in the book.

Sadako and the Thousand Paper Cranes.

That is so cool.

Christopher says we should

wish for Christ's return.

But I kind of wanna use

my wish for something else.

Okay.

What do you wanna use your wish for?

For you.

To be okay.

'Cause you're like my other mom.

I am?

Well, yeah, obviously.

Well, good!

'Cause you're kind of like my Oh!

You're like my other mom!

- You're silly.

- You're silly.

Can you uncross your legs for me?

- What? They're not oh, sh*t.

- Straighten out your legs.

There you go. And then take

your arm. I need your arm.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, that's too tight.

It's on the regular amount.

No, I know, but I I don't want

my arm to fall off. I need it.

- What did you take?

- What did you take?

- I didn't take any dr*gs.

- Neither did I.

- I don't believe you.

- That's rude.

Holy sh*t.

- Hello.

- Hello.

I hear we took some mushrooms.

Uh, that's the buzz on the street.

Yes, it is.

Am I dead?

No, you're definitely alive.

Okay.

Can you take some deep breaths for me?

- And release.

- And then we, yeah

Okay.

Um, you know, I can I

can hear my heart b*ating.

Like it's really, really loud.

Um

Like like an echo.

That's not an echo.

Then what is it?

It's your baby's heartbeat.

- I don't have a baby.

- Not yet.

- What?

- You're pregnant.