All right, kids.
Special treat on the breakfast menu--
Cold cereal of your choice.
I'll take sweetie puffs. Admiral munch.
Cocoa b*ll*ts.
Cocoa b*ll*ts. All right, let's see what we got here.
And raisin bran it is.
All right, enjoy.
I think this milk expired already.
Nah, those dates are just a scam,
Just like kyle's cough medicine.
I slept for three days.
Yeah, but you didn't cough once, did ya?
No, you see, these dates on the milk cartons
Are created by the dairy lobby.
They want to scare mommies into throwing 'em out.
But we're not gonna fall for that, are we?
(Children) no!
We're not gonna fall for that!
All right.
All right, special treat on the breakfast menu--
Cottage cheese!
♪♪♪
Hey, andy.
Hey, jim.
Were you wondering how many times
I had sex today with my new girlfriend?
(Makes cranking sound)
Andy, I am sitting here
Folding little children's underpants.
Oh, jim, you want to talk underpants, man?
I saw some today, off of someone who wasn't me.
Wanna know how many times I saw it?
Chick-a, chick-a, come on, baby.
Come on, baby. Bing!
And for a stallion named andy,
That's called the trifecta.
Come on, andy, with the kind of girls you go out with,
It's called the in-fecta.
No, no, not my girl.
Oh, man, she loves to do it.
(Laughs)
You know what "it" is, right?
Yeah, it's the last half of "vomit.&Quot;
Yeah, I know what "it" is.
&Quot;it" is what cheryl and I aren't doing
Because she's in florida taking care of your mother,
Who broke her hip doing "it" in the shower.
What-- now that is not true.
She slipped at the mall in orlando.
She slipped off her gardener orlando.
(Timer beeps)
Oh, gotta go. What's that?
A timer. Last thing milady said was, "give me five minutes.&Quot;
At least I think that's what she said.
English-- not her strong suit.
Gracie and I are done computer chatting with mommy.
She wants to talk to you.
Oh, really? Oh, great, great, great.
Hi, cheryl. Hey, honey.
I was just thinking about you.
Aw, good things, I hope.
Oh, good things, some bad things,
Some very bad things.
(Laughs)
What do you want, a tip?
Come on, come on.
Oh, cheryl, I am going crazy without you here.
Aw, you miss me?
Oh, I miss some parts more than others.
Okay, I've got some good news for you, then.
I talked to dana, and she said she'd be willing
To come down to florida to take care of mom so I can come home.
Here? Within touching distance?
Yes. (Laughs)
You mean a-a hot night of sex and laundry?
Yes, as long as you're willing to buy a ticket for dana,
I can fly home for a night.
Are you kidding me?!
If you come home for a night, I'll buy dana two bus tickets.
Jim...
All right, all right, I'll fly her,
But you gotta bring your "a" game.
All right. I'm so excited, honey.
I can't wait to see you.
Oh, baby. Oh, say something sexy before you leave.
Oh... You know what, honey?
I gotta go. I gotta go wipe mom.
Say it again.
Good-bye.
(Groans)
Hey, jim.
Time to check the board.
(Makes beeping sounds)
Ow! Aah!
Aah!
Get out!
Get outta here!
Ha ha ha!
(All talking at once)
It's so good to be home. Yeah.
Wow, wow, what time is it? Okay, sweetie.
Oh, my god. It's late. It's : .
No.
Time for bed.
Bed? Mom, you said we could make a cake.
Oh, I know, sweetie, but I am so tired. (Yawns)
Oh, oh, oh.
I'm so tired. Did you see that?
Uh, you gotta understand, kids,
You know, mommy's been in florida.
Yeah. That's, like, hours later.
Oh, so much later. And she needs sleep, and she needs it now.
She may even need to sleep more than once.
(Children) mommy! Come on, come on, come on. Into the kitchen. Let's go.
Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on,
Come on, come on. Come on! (All whining at once)
Okay, you know what, you guys? Go into the kitchen.
I'll be right in. (All) yes!
(Ruby) I wanna do the sprinkles. (Gracie) no. Yes, you do.
Nice move, baby.
I mean, it's a little risky with them right behind the door,
But I'm game.
Come on!
Yeah, honey, um,
I need you to think about this like christmas eve,
And your present is right under the tree,
And you just have to wait a little bit longer. Huh?
Yeah, but the creature's stirring, honey,
And it's not a mouse.
I know, I know, honey, but...
Sugarplums are dancing, and they're not in my head. Yes...
You got it? (Singsong voice) my chestnuts are roasting.
Jim, the kids really need to spend some time with me.
Fine.
Okay. Thank you.
This is gonna be a blue christmas.
Okay, I put the kids to bed.
I put the heat on super high
So they'll fall asleep and stay asleep.
Would you stop talking and get over here?
Cheryl, that makes me feel cheap...
And I like it!
(Laughs)
(Sniffs) you still smell like cake. I know.
Oh, my god, this is gonna be
The most passionate seconds of our lives.
Mom? Oh, good, you're still up.
I totally forgot to tell you this great story.
It's about this girl who's got the same coat as gracie.
No, let me tell that story.
It's about a girl who has the same coat as gracie.
Now good night.
It was so funny. Shove over, daddy.
Okay, so there was this girl,
And she asked gracie where she got her jacket.
And gracie was like, "um, I don't remember.&Quot;
Are you telling the coat story?
'Cause that is my story.
You tell it wrong.
You're missing the good part.
I think I'm missing the good part here.
Okay, so we were on the bus.
Dad, move. Aah!
All right, so we were on the bus,
And this girl sits down.
So we're like, "um, I like your jacket.&Quot;
Wait, wait, wait. This--this was a monday.
No, no, it was a tuesday.
No, it was a monday.
No, it was a tuesday, because they served oatmeal cookies,
And they only serve those on tuesdays. Summarize.
(Ruby and gracie speaking at once) summarize.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
No, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
(Laughs) blah, blah... (Laughs) blah, blah...
She shows up,
And we can tell that she painted her buttons.
So we teased her... Until she cried.
It was awesome! You should've been there.
Oh. Awesome story!
Isn't it? Yeah.
Yeah, well, I mean, I got a little confused in some parts,
But then you repeated it three or four times.
Yeah, you know, my favorite part... Huh?
Was the end.
Oh, the end was great! (Laughs)
Uh-huh, yeah. Nighty-night.
Good night now, girls.
Love you. Come on.
Sleep well.
I miss mommy. Can I sleep in your bed?
Us, too. Yeah! Sleepover!
Sleepover! I call middle!
(Children speaking at once)
No, I want to be next to mom.
I'm sorry, honey.
Would you turn down the heat?
The heat went down minutes ago.
(Whispering) cheryl.
This is our chance.
I think they're asleep.
(Whispering) I think so, too.
What do you guys want to do?
I miss mommy the most.
No, I miss her the most. I barely got to see her.
What are you talking about?!
You guys hogged her the whole weekend!
She's our mommy, not yours.
I knew her first.
No, you didn't! Yes, I did!
Dad! Kyle! I'm tired. Let's go to bed.
Oh, now you wanna go to bed!
For crying out loud.
Hello, neighbor.
Oh, I need to borrow a cup of chewable vitamins.
Seems I've depleted my natural fluids.
Andy, what are you doing here?
What are you walking around in a robe for?
Ah, clothes are for guys who aren't getting any.
And I see you are very well-dressed.
Andy, andy, I'm going crazy here.
I didn't get one minute alone with cheryl.
Now I'm not gonna see her for weeks.
Do something to get my mind off it.
Aw, jeez, andy!
That take your mind off of it?
Not completely.
You and your sister have the same cup size.
This sucks!
(Telephone rings)
(Growls) (ring)
Hello?
Hey, honey, it's me. There's bad weather in orlando.
Oh, that's horrible to hear. I'm sorry.
No, honey, it's good.
They're diverting us back to chicago,
And I'm gonna have a -hour layover.
Oh, well, you know what? It's a nice airport.
Why don't you go to lost and found
And pick up a birthday present for gracie?
Okay. Let me say the important word again--
Layover.
Right. You're on layover.
Layover?! Right.
Not a hold-your-hands-over.
No. (Laughs)
Oh, baby! All right, I'm coming to the airport.
Okay, honey, get a hotel room, and a nice one--
Not by the hour.
Or how about the minivan,
And hope nobody's in short-term parking? Jim.
All right. Fine, fine.
I'll be there in a little bit. All right. Bye.
Andy, andy, you have got to stay here and watch the kids,
Because I'm gonna go and make love on your sister.
Jim, jim, jim, jim.
I know it's been a while since you've been in the saddle,
Um, so if you need a little extra staying power,
Maybe that'll help.
Andy, you're a good friend.
There's ice in the freezer for that.
Here's your boarding pass.
You're gonna go through security around the corner,
And there's the captain's club. Have a nice flight.
Next.
Sir, your baby.
Next.
Uh, excuse me.
Um, can you tell me
When flight from orlando is going to arrive?
Oh, I'd be happy to help you with that.
Ah, yes. It's delayed. See how it says that here,
To your left and right behind you?
Crap. Delayed? How long?
Oh, I can be of service to you again
By checking the screens here,
To your left and right behind you.
I just shelled out for a hotel room.
Now what am I supposed to do?
If you'd like some pamphlets on what to do in the chicago area,
There are information kiosks located
At both ends of the terminal and right behind you.
Look, I am just trying to find some alone time with my wife.
But it looks like we've only got an hour to make "it" happen.
Oh, you'd like to know where to have sex in the airport.
I'd be happy to help you with that.
Do you or your wife have any disabilities?
No.
Are either of you members of the armed services,
The auto club, or traveling with a small child?
No, no, I just--
In the event of a water landing,
Would you need special assistance? Water landing?
Yes.
(Lowers voice) is that dirty?
Oh, yes.
No.
No.
All right, may I recommend the northwest corner
Of our captain's club? It features a leather sofa,
A decent view of the big screen and free drinks.
Really? Mm-hmm.
Uh, can I get a game on the big screen?
(Typing on keyboard)
Done.
Fantastic. You've been a real help. Thank you so much.
Well, of course, now only ticketed passengers
Can go through security.
Oh, great. I got a hotel room I can't use,
Now I'm gonna buy a ticket that I can't use. Mm.
All right, when's the next available flight?
I'd be happy to help you with that today, sir,
By checking the screens here, to your left and...
Right behind me. Right behind you.
All right, give me a ticket to, uh, cincinnati.
Okay.
How do you spell cincinnati?
Well, I can help you with that...
If you look to your right,
To your left and right behind me.
Uh, cheryl, cheryl, I saw on the monitor
That your flight has landed.
So look, we're not gonna have that much time,
So when you get this message,
Meet me in the captain's club, all right?
And, uh, don't be surprised
If I bring in a water landing.
(Latin music playing)
Hey, I see you're into the same stuff I am.
Hard to resist, huh?
Dang. I'm out of paper.
Hey, buddy, can you help me out here?
I'm having trouble finishing.
Come on. Give me a hand, will ya?
Come on. Don't leave me hanging.
Come on. I'd do the same for you.
Hello, officer.
Was I speeding?
You're under arrest for lewd conduct.
What, you want me to do a courtesy flush?
Sir, just step out of the stall.
Well, I'm still gonna need that paper.
All right, pally, assume the position.
You got any dr*gs or weapons on you?
No. Have you been drinking today?
No.
Are you a member of the auto club?
What's that got to do with anything?
Well, you get % off any misdemeanors or citations,
And the fine for soliciting would have to be-- wait a minute. Wait a minute.
You think I'm trying to have sex with you?
Look, when I want to have sex with you,
Believe me, you're gonna know it.
You tapped your foot, sir.
That's a notorious signal for bathroom sex.
Then your foot grazed mine. Look, I am not gay. I am a married man.
And I'm an avid racquetball player,
But that doesn't mean I never go swimming.
I'm not following you.
Swimming is gay.
Oh, my god. Swimming is gay?
Who knows? You're the expert.
No, no, no, no, you got me all wrong here, man. Come on.
Oh, so you're not planning on having sex in the airport today?
Well, yes, I was,
But... But not with you,
With--with a hot blonde, my wife.
You know, sir, that's still a crime.
Oh, n-nothing funky, you know,
Just normal, regular-- no water landing.
(Cell phone rings)
Come on, man. You gotta give me a break here. Hello?
Where were you?
I went to the captain's club and looked everywhere.
Oh, having a problem in the bathroom.
Oh, jim, just throw out your underwear like you always do.
Cheryl...
Cheryl, where-- where are you?
I'm on the plane. I didn't want to miss my flight.
We're taking off in ten minutes. No, cheryl, cheryl--
Oh, sweetheart, I'll call you from florida. I love you.
Cheryl, cheryl, wait, wait, wait, wait! Stall, stall!
(Groans)
Hey, listen, man, you have got to believe me.
I haven't had sex with my wife in over two months.
She's been down in florida watching her mom
Who had a broken hip. I'm watching the kids,
And my brother-in-law's getting it more than me.
And if I don't see her soon,
I might not see her in another few weeks.
So with all that pressure, you figured,
Why not go to the airport bathroom
And blow off a little steam?
Look at me.
Is there anything about me that is even remotely gay?
Well, I'm not a fan of that jacket.
My wife bought it for me.
I told her not to get this coat.
All right. Give me an honest answer.
When was the last time you saw a grown man naked?
Two hours ago,
But it was my brother-in-law.
He was doing me a favor.
(Woman) all passengers for flight to orlando,
Final boarding call.
Okay, there's still time, there's still time.
Come on, come on, come on.
What can I do to hurry this thing along?
You admit to soliciting sex from a man in a public restroom.
Guilty as charged.
And, uh, that's my phone number. I'm not always working.
Cheryl.
Jim?
Your in-flight snack has arrived.
What are you doing here?
Well, I bought a plane ticket, a couple hundred bucks.
But when I get to florida, I gotta turn around
And come back and go to chicago for a court date.
I can't believe you'd go to all this trouble
Just to have sex with me.
Cheryl, you know what? It's more than the sex.
I mean, I haven't been able to stare into your eyes
Or touch your hair
Or hold your hand and just say nothing.
Oh.
I miss you, too.
You know what?
What?
I believe our membership to the mile-high club has expired.
Would you like to re-up?
Is there a membership fee?
So far, , bucks.
But, baby, you are worth it.
Aw, come here. Mm.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Bucks, and I'll give you the seat.
All right, all right. I'll give you bucks. Move.
(Giggles)