06x06 - State of the Uterus

[bunniefuu]

Wow. That's real pretty.

The drawing's nice, too.

Thanks.

You must be feeling better
if you're out here doing art.

Yeah, I guess.

So...

you're welcome.

No, I'm not welcome.

I didn't take your stupid pills.

Okay, tough girl.
Can I have 'em back, then?

I dumped 'em.

Yeah, you did.
Straight down your sexy throat.

Hey, Daddy. Barb wants to see you.

All right. Thanks, babe.

Hey, Barb.

Hi, lamb chop.

Light bothering you again today?

- Obviously.
- Right. Just want you to know I care.

Oh, I know you care.

You're my Daddy-O.

That's right. I got you.

So. The rats. Hilarious.

Thanks. Thanks.

Oh, my God. What I would have given

to see the looks on their fuckwit faces,
those cows.

Surprise, b*tches! You got rats!

Mmm-hmm.

You really outdid yourself on that one.

It was epic...

No. I mean, I think
you really outdid yourself.

I don't feel good about this.
I don't know what's next.

And sometimes,
I don't know why I keep you around.

You keep me around so you don't have to
bother with the details.

Trust me, okay?

Chatty Cathy distracted the COs,

the rats were released, and bam, money.

Because of the rats,

the suits think
that C-Block was lazy and dirty.

So the warden will have to give us
the cheese now.

Our people will have the good jobs.

It's been a week, chiquita.

Have you seen any jobs coming our way?
'Cause I sure haven't heard boo.

Oh, and some little cock-pocket
called me "Babs" yesterday.

f*cking Babs?

That is unacceptable.
You are losing control.

I'm not losing control.

You know who they're all gonna love
even more once this all plays out?

Their gal, Barb?

Yeah, lady. You.

And who loves you the most? Look.

This is the easiest money
on Earth. Look at that.

That's all he wants?

Of course not.
Guys always want more.

But that's up to you.

If you wanna make more, you do more.

If not, you grab a drink, food,
flirt and dance and call it a night.

- Hey.
- Hi.

You having a good time?

What do you think? Here.

Yeah.

Yeah.

For real, you'll be fine.

So, are they all drug dealers?

You think all Latin rich guys
are Scarface?

They're businessmen.

Making bank off the other white powder
Americans are addicted to.

See Alejandro over there?

He owns a bunch
of sugarcane plantations in Brazil.

Vanessa's only been hanging out with him
for a few months,

and she's already made enough
to not work the whole school year.

What are you studying?

Veterinary science.

What is that, like 300 grand
by the time you're done?

How many cats you gotta spay
to pay that off?

So many cats.

Right?

Or you can play with one horny rich guy.

One.

Come on.

What's the point of knocking
if you're not gonna wait?

How did this happen?

Do you mean how did rats infiltrate
the cheese warehouse,

or how did they get that rat
into that tiny, little orange jumpsuit?

There was rat sh*t in every shipment.

All you had to do was ensure
a passably hygienic workspace.

You are in charge on the ground here.

- You could be...
- Fired?

You're gonna fire me? Go ahead.

Say it.

Right.

If you were gonna fire me,
you would have done it already.

I bet you're the type
who sends a quick text

when it's time to break up with someone.

Which might be the only thing we have
in common, other than...

You know.

So...

you want my help, don't you?

MCC's stock is in free-fall
with the riot and the manhunt,

and now losing Grace.

That cheese deal was offsetting the cost
of housing a full quarter of our inmates.

I'm sorry,

but those are PR and budget issues,
squarely in the purview of corporate.

I am way downstream.

You know, for all of his...

character flaws, at least Joe was willing
to work with me.

This should be a partnership.

Yeah. Two points on that.

One, JJoe would have done anything
to get up your skirt.

And, two, that partnership ended in a riot

during which Joe pretended
you were a mentally ill federal inmate.

So not exactly a model
for productive collaboration.

Fine.

Can I at least sit here
and brainstorm, then? Out loud?

- You're not really asking, are you?
- No.

But I will order Panera.

And if you want some control
over what's headed downstream,

maybe you can help me think.

I am gluten and dairy-free.

All right, looks like you're next, babe.

He's really spending a quality
two and a half minutes with each of us.

Oh, I'm not waiting.
I'm just here keeping you company.

- Oh. Sweet.
- Mmm.

But isn't your vaginal health
important to you?

Because I know it's important to me.

I'm saving all of this for Dr. Chin.

Frankly, I thought it was Dr. Mouth
that you were into.

But if it's Dr. Chin you're digging...

Dr. Chin is not a euphemism.

Dr. Chin is a small Asian woman with an MD
from Hopkins that doesn't take insurance,

but she has a full herbal tea bar
in her waiting room.

I'm gonna go see her
when I'm out in nine months.

The time it takes to grow a new human.

Getting out will absolutely feel
like being born again.

Yeah, and I'll probably still be here

when you're at least a preschooler,
maybe even kindergartener.

That's nothing.

That's a blip.

So you're telling me
to keep my Dr. Chin up?

Mmm-hmm.

And your Dr. Mouth smiling.

Well, at least this color's nice on you.

Thanks.

Not sure I'm into the Florida crowd,

but I'll be perfectly fine
if I never have to wear khaki again.

You doing okay?

Uh, not really.

Honey, Max makes camp look
about as scary as a church bake sale.

Yeah, well, I've seen some b*tches
go crazy over lemon bars.

Florida, huh?

Relatively drama-free, but also
about as boring as a bowl of nothing.

I once watched a lady
watch a spider for 40 minutes.

Damn.

Imagine what it was like
for the lady watching you

watch the lady watching the spider.

It's, like, the best secret.

It's like if everywhere you went,

you just had a tiny, tiny kitten
in your shirt pocket

and nobody knew.

You could take it onto the bus,
you could take it to the movies,

and just everywhere you went
it was with you.

But if you talked about it,
then people would know.

And it wouldn't be a secret.

Yes. That's true.

And people are always giving
pregnant ladies discounts

and letting them go
to the front of the line.

Maybe you should test your powers.

You are so right.

Hello, uh, I'm pregnant.

I was wondering,
could I go in front of you?

Yeah, sure. Go ahead.

Hold up.
Who said you could cut, Barfie doll?

Oh, I have a secret.

I'm pregnant.

- I'm actually two people.
- Yeah. And I contain multitudes.

Oh, come on, let her go.

We got a baby on board!
Move aside, let her through.

Especially you.

Let's go, Kitten!

So how is this my job now?

- I got promoted.
- To what?

To not having to do this anymore.

Congratulations, you are now head of Rec.

Here's your uniform.

What...

First thing,
you need to replace Chatty Cathy

since she fake-d*ed her way
into the real SHU.

That was fake?

Dude...

Wait. Hang the f*ck on.

What does this stupid radio show
have to do with Rec?

If it's not a job
and it's not a punishment, it's Rec.

Oh, and the show needs to be informational
and educationally oriented.

Here's a list of acceptable topics.

This blows.

Although it might get me more chances
at Fantasy Inmate points.

You know what the Fantasy Inmate draft is?
A sl*ve auction.

Well...
we're not enslaving anyone.

MCC is, but it's not like
they're doing sh*t for us personally.

Think about it.

You price and trade people
based on specific skills and traits,

then you profit off their actions
while you watch from the veranda.

The whole thing is morally reprehensible.

I'm sure there are good people
on both sides.

Don't forget your ball sack.

Mommy, you're here!

Oh, baby!

Oh, it's so good to see
your little face.

Oh.

- Lucy, why do you smell like...
- feet?

So this is the place, huh?

This is the place.

You must be Aleida?

That's right.

Mayelin. Come in, I'll get the others.

Who's that?

I got you a doll.

She don't play
with those no more.

Where's Eva?

Sometimes she goes home
with this kid after school.

What's his name?

"His"? She got a f*cking boyfriend?

She's 12 years old.

What's up with you two?
Ain't you happy to see your mother?

Are you here to get us out?

I'm working on that.

- Bullshit.
- Hey!

Don't talk like that.

What the hell do you know about it?

Punk.

You little bastard.

- Stop that!
- Hey!

He f*cking started it!

He did, the little sh*t!

Boys, go upstairs.

Can you people be quiet? I'm sleeping.

How many more brats you got living here?

Just the two boys, your four
and my daughter, Raquel.

And her screaming baby.

My granddaughter's teething.

And my brother's staying with us
for a while.

You don't know how lucky these kids are.

Siblings almost never get to stay
together. But I took them all.

And I'm sure you're getting checks
for them all.

Can I have a little privacy
with my kids now, please?

So, uh...

What's going on with you guys?

This, Mom. This is going on.

Mommy, I want to go home with you.

Not today, baby.

But soon, I promise.

Okay? It's okay. It's okay.

Hey.

Hmm?

Take one.

They're healthy.

I'm gonna sell a bunch of these.
That's how I'm gonna get you back.

Eva don't need to be going
to no boy's house.

And this one's all sad over here.

You need to take care of them.

Like you took care of us?

Leaving us here in this sh*thole?

What took you so long to come and see us?

It hasn't been that long.

I've been trying to get a job
and an apartment.

It's not as easy as you'd think.

'Cause you got a record.

Right, smartass.

So don't do no crime, and you'll
never have to know what this is like.

I heard Daya's baby got adopted
by some rich lady.

How do we get in on that?

I don't even wanna go back with you.

Lucy does.

'Cause she don't remember
what it's like livin' with you.

Daddy, how much longer is it gonna be?

Asking for a friend?

Well, yeah. I'm asking for everybody.
And for me.

Bothering me ain't gonna make it
come faster. Now kick off.

How's your world, Hellman?

What do you want?

What do you think I want?
Fiends be feenin'.

Maybe you should have thought of that
before you blew up the pipeline.

- What?
- The cheese.

The cheese has left the building.

Grace Grocer has pulled out
like a sloppy teenager.

- What does that have to do with...
- Un-f*cking-believable.

And what's Daddy short for, huh? Stupid?

No cheese jobs, no cheese.

And by "cheese" I mean dr*gs.

How the f*ck was I supposed to know
you were bringing it in with the cheese?

You weren't. You were supposed to
mind your own damn business

and not f*ck up a good thing.

We'll have to find a new way in.

f*ck you.

If I do find a new way, D-Block's out.

You're out.

Now move away, inmate.

- Hey. What's wrong?
- Nothing. All right? Don't worry about it.

Oh.

Hey. It was an accident.

- All right? I swear.
- Oh, my God. Talia.

What the f*ck, man?
What the f*ck happened?

I don't know. We were really into it,

- and then...
- sh*t, no.

- I don't know, she fell or something.
- sh*t, girl...

What do you mean, she fell?

Hey, I said I don't know!
She's shouting. She won't cool out!

And she's all f*cked up!

It's not my f*cking fault!

Yes, it is your f*cking fault!

Hey, you heard what he said.
It was an accident.

People are waking up.
We gotta get her out of here.

f*ck!

No. No.

We can't move her until everyone's gone.

Lock the door and stay inside with her.

Don't let anyone in.

And you got to get out of here, man.

If anyone asks, you went back to the city
late last night.

Go!

Based on
copious witness testimony,

the US attorney has charged you
and four others with inciting the riot.

They allege that you created
and maintained a secret riot bunker,

and there's also evidence
that directly implicates you

in the kidnapping and false imprisonment
of Officer Desmond Piscatella.

I've negotiated a plea deal for you.

If you admit to the riot charges,
they're willing to drop everything else.

This is very good.

It will garner you the shortest
possible sentence. Do you understand?

Ms. Reznikov?

This is...

not good.

This is...

not good at all.

Trust me, the lighter sentence
for the charge of inciting the riot is...

I incited nothing.

Here's an insight.

This is complete khuinya. "Bullshit."

You have a family, yes? Three sons?

The best chance you have
of seeing them again is this deal.

In fact, I might call it your only chance.

Still ten years, but you can
knock that down with good behavior.

This is wrong.

I'm being scapegoated.

It was a riot.

By definition,
many, many people were involved.

I don't deserve this.

If you go to trial, you will not win.

Full stop.

You'll die in here.

All rise. Court is now in session.

The Honorable Judge
Roland Corcoran presiding.

I didn't do it.

I didn't k*ll nobody.

Tasha, listen to me, it doesn't matter.

The best legal advice I can give you
is take the plea.

No offense,
but if you gave the best legal advice,

would you be the free lawyer?

No offense, but being the free lawyer
makes me an expert

on how hopeless your case is
if you take it to trial. Don't do it.

In the matter of
The United States v. Tasha Jefferson,

Ms. Jefferson, how do you plead
to the charge of incitement to riot?

Guilty, Your Honor.

Ms. Jefferson, do you know
that by pleading guilty,

you lose the right to a jury trial?

Yes, Your Honor.

Do you give up that right?

- Yes, Your Honor.
- So entered.

In the matter of
The United States v. Tasha Jefferson,

Ms. Jefferson, how do you plead to
the charge of m*rder in the second degree?

Not guilty, Your Honor.

Order! Order!

The plea of "not guilty" has been entered.

A trial by jury will be set for...

The ACLU is putting
a legal team together to help you.

See? They believe in me.

It's not that I don't believe you
or believe in you.

It's that I believe you won't get
the justice you're hoping for.

But I do wish you the best.

Stay strong, Tasha.

We're gonna fight this all the way.

Order! Order!

- Black lives matter!
- Stay strong, girl!

Stop. God. Stop.

- That's your show?
- No, that's my opening.

Then I do some Gregorian chant.

♪ Sanctus ♪

♪ Sanctus dominus deus sabaoth ♪

Some humpback whale moans...

It's a full soundscape.

It's way too avant-garde
for this crowd.

You gotta know your audience.

Next!

I was really vulnerable with you just now.

I'm sorry. I wanted it to work out, too.

Oh, hey! What do you got?

All right,
so welcome to our show.

I mean, my show. And it's called DIY Fly,
and we gonna show you...

I mean, I'm gonna tell you

how to look your best...

Listen, we had mad followers
on YouTube.

- I'm just not used to doing it without...
- The hot one, huh?

It's, like, radio?
Hot is in the mind on radio.

Well, her voice was hotter, too.

Next!

Last menstrual period?

Uh...

I'm really not sure.

It's been a while.

But with the stress of moving down here
and all the riot craziness,

it's probably just a little off.

- You're 42?
- You don't gotta say it like that.

- Any trouble sleeping?
- This ain't the most tranquil place.

Mood swings?

Well, my son Benny had brain surgery.
He's alive and everything, thank God.

Then I find out that I can't afford
his physical therapy,

so, yeah, you could say
that I am up and down.

Loss of libido?

It's in a field somewhere,
giving my freedom a blow job.

Look, it seems like all the symptoms
of the change

could also be symptoms
of being incarcerated.

Huh?

That's interesting.

Uh, anyway, there's really no way to tell

if you're perimenopausal
without running blood tests.

And I'm afraid another feature
of incarceration

is they won't allow me to do that.

Some other signs you can watch for
are vaginal dryness

and a redistribution of fat
around your middle.

Great.

The best thing you can do is exercise.

It's a natural way
to regulate your hormones.

There ain't exactly
a Planet Fitness next door.

Have you seen
The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest?

There's a lot you can do in a cell.

Oh, and garbanzo beans.

I hear they're good, too.

Phytoestrogens.

Oh, God.

How am I smelling this?

This sh*t stinks so bad
I can smell it through my mouth.

Come on, cheese whizzes. Get her done.

Wish I could help, but, uh,
you know, the arm.

Yeah, you know, the laziness.

What's that, Mendoza?

She said it's a shame we lost these jobs.

Yeah. Uh, two dollars an hour
is a lot more than no dollars an hour.

Ugh.

Maybe we can take
some maintenance jobs from D-Block.

It only pays 12 cents, but that's
also more than no dollars an hour.

Stop with the whining and the math.

f*ck D-Block and their shitty jobs.

You know what I want?

What?

I want to make their shitty jobs
even shittier.

I sh*t you not, I want to make
their shitty everything shittier.

sh*t's about to sh*t the fan
for those sh*t-for-brains sh*t-Blockers.

They're not gonna know what sh*t 'em!

Yeah, they are.

That's the point.

Here we go.

I need volunteers

to drop trou and sh*t
on D-Block's nice clean unis.

I'll do it.

Thank you, soldier.

The, uh, naked part
is not really necessary.

It gets me feeling more primal.

Fair enough.

Gapman! Why don't you, uh, turn that frown
upside brown for me, will you?

No.
No, I can't sh*t on command.

Straining can trigger
a fatal heart arrhythmia in some people.

That's what happened to Elvis.

Please. The CIA k*lled Elvis.

Just...

Like Kate Moss said,

"Nothing tastes as good
as sh1tting feels."

Tell you what.

Anyone who does not want
to sh*t on D-Block

gets a Badison Surprise.

- A what?
- You don't want it.

- It's...
- It's a f*cking surprise for the cookies.

If you know all about it,
why are you still standing there?

Ah, I think we should stop 'em.

When D-Block finds out, the retaliation...

That could potentially sideline
a lot of players.

Retaliation means
multiple ten-point incidents, though.

Possibly too many to track,
with witnesses.

There's a cost-benefit
of widespread v*olence.

It's potentially nonoptimal.

Plus, there's no points
for public defecation

after what happened three years ago.

Yeah, but one of them might cry
and rub her eyes.

Ah, bacterial conjunctivitis.

At two points per eye...

It would take a few days to present...

I'm playing a long game, Al.

Hey. You're pretty. What are you doing?

I'm strengthening my pelvic floor
to prepare for birth-giving.

You know, squeezy chi-chi.

That's kind of funny.

Listen, um, I'm looking for a cohost
for my new radio show.

I really sparkle
when I have someone to play off of.

We could talk about
how to keep it cute in prison.

Exactly. Being in prison
is no excuse to let yourself go, girl.

Or, I know,
we could talk about current events,

like, "How come so many cabbies
wear those turbans?

Are they hiding bombs under there?

Or just really greasy Arab hair?"

- Well, um...
- Oh, my God.

I'm gonna be so good at this!

And because I am
the native English speaker,

I will do most of the talking.

You know, now I'm thinkin'
that we don't have the same vision.

Okay, you know
who'd be great on the radio?

Me.

Right, but, uh...

also, me.

Okay, I was raised on Howard Stern.

My consciousness is essentially
half a dozen shock jocks

locked inside of a sound booth.

I mean, I'm perfect.

I don't think Howard Stern
is really the style I'm going for.

Ah, but why not?
The only interesting ideas are heresies!

Well, if you think that,

then you're totally underestimating
the power of fashion tips and gossip.

Ouch! What are you doing,
did you lose something in there?

I am bimanually examining your uterus.

How is it? Can it sustain life?

How old are you? 38, 39?
Every month counts now.

How much more time you got?

A year.
Are you saying I can't get pregnant?

No. No. That's not what I'm saying.

What I'm saying is you have
a limited number of eggs,

and they're deteriorating
at an exponential rate right now.

So even if you got pregnant tomorrow,

it would be considered
a high-risk geriatric pregnancy.

"Geriatric"?
Does that toto look old to you?

It's tight as a...

That doesn't really have
anything to do with it.

Look, you never know.

Geena Davis had twins at 48.

Who's that?

A League of Their Own?

Marjorie Prime?

Thelma and Louise?

Ah. Telma y Luisa.

You're trying to inspire me

by talking about a r*pe and m*rder movie
that has a tragic ending?

That movie was also about
a particularly feminist futility

and the impossibility of justice for women
within a patriarchal court system.

I am full of hope.

Well, if I'm not mistaken,

I am seein' some tell-tale
scratchy-scratch over there.

Huh?

Yeah. They're strung out.

Hmm. I just thought maybe they had
that combination skin.

I wonder what kind of skin
the baby's gonna have.

Hey, what's wrong?

Come on.
That baby's gonna have great skin.

You know, supersoft baby skin.

Yeah.

I just wish that Vinnie had been there
this morning at my examination.

He's not gonna be there
to hear the heartbeat.

He's not gonna see
that little pickle in the sonogram.

It could be a girl.

We won't find that out together, either!

Please, Daddy. I'm getting sick.
Where is it?

It's coming. Hang in there.
You're gonna be okay.

But what happened? What's the holdup?

Wow. Okay. Uh, that is repulsive.

Ugh! There's doo-doo feces everywhere!

- Those c**t-Block b*tches!
- This is so Badison.

You're gonna let 'em do us like this?

Yeah, Daddy.
You let them wipe their asses on us!

Uh-oh, smells like mutiny.

Yeah, it also smells like sh*t.
Do I gotta wear these?

You know this is what it's like
being a mom, right?

There's sh*t everywhere,
you're constantly doing laundry

and you gotta protect the kid
from the drug addicts on the corner.

Don't worry, Kitten.

Oh, we should worry, actually.

Nothing could destabilize this place
like a massive outbreak of junkie logic.

Uh, people will k*ll to get high,

and these people are already in prison.
You know?

Look, you and Kitten need to lay low

until this fever breaks
or the supply re-ups.

Oh, man, they baked it in.
This is huge disrespect. Very, very big.

That's right. They disrespected us.
And you know what else?

What?

They stole your high.

That's right.
You can thank C-Block for those shakes.

The guard who was bringing it in?
They turned him.

- What?
- f*ck them.

Don't it hurt
when c**ts take what's rightfully yours?

- It is the worst.
- Yeah.

And don't it hurt
when you're already in prison,

you don't have your liberty,

then some Cheese-Block chickenhead
takes away your joy?

- They can't do that.
- f*cking b*tches!

Hey, be quiet.
And, f*ck no, they can't do that.

- The b*tches are going down.
- End the c**ts!

Death to C-Block!

- That's right, Daddy.
- Okay. Whoa!

The f*ck are you doing?

We just talked about you laying low.

But what kind of animal takes a sh*t
on a pregnant woman's clothes?

I want a better world for this little one!

Let me tell you something.
Nobody fucks with Daddy.

And nobody fucks with Daddy's girls.

Mmm, that feels nice.

You're all tight up here. Are you okay?

Yeah, girl, I'm good.

sh*t! Don't f*cking creep on me like that.

I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap.

You sure you're okay?

You just seem kind of off lately.

Is it because Talia quit?

No, no, it's all good, baby.

But you wanna know something?

Yes. Tell me.

It can always get better.

Mmm-hmm. Yeah?

And I just saw some sh*t go down
in the laundry room.

And when I say "sh*t,"
I'm talking about literal sh*t.

- And the guards didn't even...
- Okay.

You need to not give a sh*t about
whatever sh*t goes down in the laundry,

about what the guards do or don't do,
and about anything that isn't this.

You and me. Just be here, with me.

You're right. Be here. With you.

Yeah.

We have a wedding to plan.

In four years, when I get out.

No. No. I don't want to wait four years.

Like you said, let's be here.
Let's do it here. Now.

I don't want a f*cking prison wedding.

Listen...

After the riot...

after what I saw today,
and the general depravity of this place...

No matter what happens,

I want to spend these next nine months

with you as my wife.

I want you to be my wife, too.

But why get married
if we're gonna be apart for so long?

Because we're going to be
apart for so long.

Why say yes
if you don't want to just... do it?

- I do. I just...
- Uh-huh.

- Nobody could come to a wedding in here.
- That doesn't matter.

We can have another one when we're out.

- A prison wedding, huh?
- Yeah.

What would that look like, exactly?

Oh...

f*ck!

- Come on, it's Red.
- What if she knows what I said?

Come on.

I am instituting our first family rule.

"Go towards the problem."

The Vause-Chapmans
will deal with the sh*t head-on.

Hi, Red!

How are you?

Did you hear something? I didn't.

Very funny.

This slop is disgusting,

but I'd like to eat it in peace
if you don't mind.

I do mind. You can't cut us out.

Why not?
That's exactly what you did to me.

- What are you talking about?
- No. Red, let me explain.

You think I don't know
you all sold me down the river?

You think I don't know
that's how it is in here?

When you want something from me,
you love me, I'm your mother,

and I come through for you.

But when I need you, where are you?

In the next room giving me up
at the tap of a feather.

Okay. Stop saying "you,"
because I was in medical.

And if you're talking about Piper,

she didn't know what she was doing.
She thought I was dead.

I didn't just think she was dead, Red.

I thought that it was your actions
that got her k*lled.

I tried to warn you.
I tried to get the message to all of you.

Nicky was the only one
who even spoke to me

before throwing me under the bus.

Oh, so Nicky is off the hook?

Nicky showed honor.

Oh, please.
Stop being so f*cking arbitrary.

Okay. I'm sorry that you feel betrayed.

I'm sorry for what I did.

You know where to find us.

Jesus Christ.

Today's menu would be salt in the wound
if there were any salt to be had.

What? They charge you with the riot, too?

Yes.

You?

But I did lock the doors.

Well, at least we can spend
ten more glorious years together.

Actually...

they didn't give me any more time.

What?

How is that possible?

It's not like you even have
a family to return to.

What do you know about me
and who I have out there?

Was I supposed to politely ask
for a longer sentence?

Leave me the f*ck alone.

No problem.

Thank you.

Point. And flex.
And point.

Good. And roll around.

That's it. Remember,
you're only as fit as your feet.

Let's do it again. Point. And flex.

And point. Good. And roll around.

That's it, ladies.
Let's keep going! Point.

And flex. And point. Good.

I thought this was supposed
to be exercise,

not some weird toe stretches.

I know, but it does feel kind of good.

And point.
Good. Roll around.

That's it. Let's do it again.

- Oh, yeah.
- Mmm-hmm.

You're right.

Remember,
you're only as fit as your feet.

Of course. See?
Everything is breaking down.

Hey! Quiet!
I'm holding auditions over here.

We are entitled to one hour of exercise,
and the VCR just broke.

Not my problem.

You got a whistle,
so I believe it is your problem.

We need real exercise tapes.
Like Zumba or something.

Yeah, or Tae Bo.

Richard Simmons. Or at least Body by Jake.

Footrobics is real.

And there's also Awesome Ankles,
Totally Toes, Happening Heels...

That's enough!

You guys wanna do some exercise?

Why don't you use your f*cking fit feet
and walk back to your cells?

Now!

God damn it. Who's next? All right. Jesus.

What's going on?

Oh, I don't know.

My reproductive system is shutting down.

And I'm here.

Hey.

I'm here, too.

Okay, I think it's medical
that's k*lling us. Here, look.

Seriously?

Where's your sense of integrity?

You work
for a shitshow embarrassment of a company,

and your name and reputation
are associated.

Okay, could you maybe lean out for a sec?

Okay. Here's an associated concept.

Associates don't do
the shitty tedious parts.

They have eager underlings for that.

So look up some local university,
find some marketing majors,

and launch them at the PR problem.

Call it an internship
with a billion-dollar corporation,

a leader in the rehabilitation sector.

Pay them nothing.
Promise them school credit.

And take advantage of their genetic
ability to manipulate the Internet.

Yes! That's genius!
Do you see how we did that together?

Oh, good. It's my assistant.

Hi, Jared, I'm glad you called.
I have a project for you.

Okay, but first, what do you want
to do about Black Lives?

What do you mean, "Black Lives"?

The Black Lives Matter people?
I texted you.

They say they're working with the ACLU

and they want a statement
about MCC's treatment of Tasha Jefferson.

Tasha Jefferson.

Right.

Okay, um...

No comment. I mean, don't respond.

Don't say, "No comment." JJust, um...

Ignore that for now. I, uh...
I will call you back.

Okay, bye.

Oh, great.

Our stock went down another point.

Black Lives Matter
is freakin' radioactive.

Since you have some time on your hands,

I need you to move Tasha to gen pop.

That's three hours of paperwork.
I'll do it in the morning.

No. You'll do it now
so I can issue a press release.

Hashtag, ACLU.
Hashtag, Black Lives Matter.

Hashtag, winning the PR w*r

so that MCC doesn't have to hire
an expensive damage control firm.

Now!

Or hashtag, you're fired.

And just buy the f*cking coat!

Hey!

Hey, what are you doing?

My bed.

- No, no, no.
- Yep. Yeah. That looks like it.

I told you. I told you.

The sh*t!

The sh*t!

Can I write this into our vows?

"Do you, Alex Vause,
take this woman, Piper Chapman,

to have and to hold through whatever
literal sh*t she encounters?"

Aw. I mean...

You know you do.

I mean, you do, don't you?

I do. I doo-doo.

But this isn't funny.

I just got shat on...

because I wouldn't sh*t on somebody else.

Then I'm winning at life partner.

And it's gonna be okay.

This is the perfect end
to a sucky day.

Having a strange man check out
my unscaped, ungroomed conchita.

Ay!

"Conchita!"

That's what you call your party room?

For real.
My poozy hair is so long down there,

it's like I got a Wookiee sleepin' on it.

Mine ain't like that.

The muffro takes
more of a horizontal approach.

I mean, I'm basically
wearing a pubic short right now.

A 4C pubic short.

Doc gonna be like...

"Damn! Where it at?"

I'm gonna be, like,

"Good day, sir.
My best to you on your journey!

Watch out for teeth!"

"Leave some breadcrumbs,
so you can find your way on out!"

Sit. Or should I say, "sh*t," Madison?

So you heard.

That'll teach your sister
and those D-Block whores.

f*ck them, f*cking with our jobs.

They want a w*r, I'll give 'em a w*r.

Barbara and her d*ke squad
tanked our entire business.

You think skid-marking their scrubs
counts as returning fire?

It's a start.

No.

I don't want to start anything.

I wanna end them.

Do you understand me?

Or are you not the person
I need right now?

All right, I get it.

Shanks, not pranks.

Are you waiting for a laugh? Get to work.

So, what do you do
when your child breaks a rule?

Let's talk about appropriate consequences.

What are some of the factors to consider
when creating your...

Yo. This sh*t is so f*cking boring.

- First...
- You think gondo here even has kids?

I guess it's what we gotta do
to get 'em back.

I heard the only thing
they really care about

- is the income and the housing situation.
- Mmm-hmm.

But still, they saying that I need to have
separate bedrooms for the genders.

Who the f*ck can afford
a three-bedroom apartment in New York?

- How many kids you got?
- Six.

Yeah, well, good luck with that.

Yeah, but they're all boys.

And I figure I can sleep
on the couch.

Excuse me, ladies.

I can only give you credit for this class
if you're actually participating.

She was talking to me.

You ain't saying nothing
I don't already know.

Ma'am, I don't know
the particulars of your situation,

but there's some reason
your kids aren't with you.

And if you want to be reunited with them...

I will tell you the particulars.

The particulars are that my kids

are living in a shitty
g*ng-banging neighborhood

with a shitty foster mother

and her shitty brother
that's probably a pedophile.

- Mmm-hmm.
- And a bunch of assh*le foster kids.

So if everything's gonna be so shitty,

my kids and the checks that come with them
might as well be with me.

At this point that's the State's call.

But trust me, the system is so overloaded
that if you meet the minimum requirements,

the Office of Children and Family Services

will be happy to return
your children to you.

Yeah, but probably not the checks.

- Do you have a job?
- Yeah, I got a job.

You wanna lose weight with Nutri Herbal?

Anybody?

Come on.

I see some of you
could probably drop a few.

Don't look away.

What's up with you?

Hey.

You okay?

You been houndin' me every f*ckin' day.

Now I'm asking,
and you don't got nothing to say?

It's okay. You don't have to say anything
if you don't want.

There's some bells you can't unring.

Yeah, I know that.

I've rung every bell.

I did take your pills.

And they helped.

I know.

So, thank you.

Your ass is gonna get wet.

It's already soaked.

Yo, man, this ain't cool.
How the f*ck do you know where I live?

Is your phone broke?

I gotta know we're still good.

Yeah. Don't sweat.
You don't gotta worry about me.

For your trouble.

Now you take care of me,
I take care of you.

So...
you got somebody new for me?

What, like tonight?

Yeah.

I can do that.

Her.

You got it, boss. Whatever you want.

Give me five. I'll send her down.

Amber! Get your stuff, baby.

Party time.

Yes.

So listen, I found a cohost...

I said yes. You two, the show is yours.

Really? We ain't gotta audition?

Nope.

Comedy gold, right here.

Also, I can't take any more. So...

Uh... how is that gonna play on the radio?

Brilliantly.

So... when do we start?

Tomorrow. 4:00 a.m.

- Gross.
- What?

Price of fame.

Also, uh, they said keep it educational.

Now b*at it. I'm finally done here.

- No political commentary?
- Thank you.

We got you. We ain't gonna disappoint you!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Hello.
- Vasily? I wasn't expecting you to answer.

Oh, hold on, Ma, let me get Pop. Pop!

No! Wait! I want to talk to you.

How are you?

I'm fine. I'm fine, how are you?

No, honey, tell me how you are.

Really. Tell me everything.

How are my beautiful grandbabies?
How is your life?

Ma, is there something wrong?

Vasily. Your beautiful name.

I don't hear it enough.

Nothing is wrong, kotik,

except that I haven't been
focused on my family.

What do you mean, Ma? You're in prison.

Yes!

And I fooled myself into thinking
these women here were my family.

But they are...

convicts and traitors.

I've neglected you. Only family is family.

Yeah, well, that's true.

I love you, Vasily.

Please tell your brothers I love them.

Tell each one like you mean it.

For me.

And Vasily?

Yeah, yeah, Ma. I'm listening.

Come visit your mother, huh?

I'm all alone here.

Sure, I'll come visit you soon.
I got rugby this weekend...

Rugby?

Be careful for your head, huh?

And thank you. You are a good son, Vasily.

So what's our name gonna be?

Flindy?

No, no, no. I don't like it.

Blaca?

Yo, my name is not actually Black Cindy.

- It's just Cindy.
- Okay.

But...

my Jew name is Tova!

We could be Toca.

Or how about TocaTalk?

TocaTalk!

Mmm-mmm. I'm not vibing with that.

Hey, I got it!

Flava.

Mmm. Max Flava!

Yeah!

- All right!
- Come on.

That's right! Thank you!

Coming to your airwaves...

Yeah!

That's my girl, Taystee!

That's the OG riot girl
right there.

Oh, sh*t!

- Hey, Cindy.
- Yo.

You finally out of Ad Seg!

So you took a plea?

Hell no.

I'm going to trial.
People need to know the truth.

Yeah.

Oh, sh*t!

Riot girl!