17x19 - Jambalaya

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

Face it, Franny,
you've got a brown thumb...

and not the sexy kind.

I can't even raise a tomato.

What if I wanted to
raise children someday?!

MAN: Having trouble growing a garden?

Try a single plant.

Wait, who said that?

I did. Paul Rudd.

On behalf of Ye Ol' Farmers' Almanac.

Oh, my Instagram was open.

If you're like me, you've tried

all the fad gardening kits to no avail.

Now try the one that works,

the Ye Ol' Farmers' Almanac;

a dense book filled
with vague instructions

based off the position of the moon.

And you know it works,
because it's me telling you.

Paul Rudd.

And I'm not a liar, I'm an actor.

Watch, now I'll act sad.

♪♪

♪ Hard times are real ♪

♪ There's dusty fields
no matter where you go ♪

♪♪

♪ You may change your mind ♪

♪ 'Cause the weeds are high
where corn don't grow ♪

[THUNDER BOOMS]

♪ You may change your mind ♪

♪ 'Cause the weeds are high
where corn don't grow ♪

♪♪

I have mastered nature!

I am stronger than God!

♪♪

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

Aah!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪♪

You see Bev-D's latest post?

Another out-of-focus photo of scallops?

[CHUCKLES] Man,
that woman loves scallops.

And I love that she's still
sticking with that hairstyle.

I mean it's basically the Rachel!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Who are you guys talking about?

Bev DiVincenzo.

Best social media follow in the game.

What makes her so great?

She's a normal,
sad person, but she posts

constantly with the
confidence of someone

that has an actually interesting life.

Her life is so mundane
and yet so specific...

it draws you in.

She lives in Altoona, PA.

She works out at a non-judgmental gym.

She loves her Jeep Wrangler.

She has a boyfriend named Irv.

Every Cinco de Mayo,
she posts a photo of her famous wet,

watery homemade salsa.

And her favorite nights are when
she's alone on her back patio

with a cold bottle of Diet Coke

and the Pittsburgh Pirates
playing on her iPad.

Oh! She just started
using the term YOLO.

It's her new
"sister from another mister."

If you guys love her so much,

why don't you go see her in real life?

Altoona is only three hours away.

Hmm. Premium content.

I wouldn't be missed at work.
Bullock's using again.

She would be easy to find.

Are you two really thinking
of driving three hours

to stalk a total
stranger from Facebook?!

That settles it. We're doing it.

Come on, Hayley!

Yes!

They both have diarrhea?

Check it out...

the first veggie from my garden!

Nice, Mom!

Jesus, man. Calm down.

I'm going to make
restaurant-quality food

with them...
like they do at restaurants.

I know a great recipe for truly
authentic Louisiana jambalaya

I learned from a blind bayou man.

It was back in the 's
during Mardi Gras...

ROGER: I'd been drinking for
or hours with no luck

when a girl flashed "F-me" eyes

right as she walked out the back door.

♪♪

I followed her down the
alley and then for miles...

all the way out to the bayou.

It was only there I realized...

she was a raccoon.

[RACCOON GROWLING]

A male raccoon,
and he had led me into a trap.

I was a goner.

But then out of nowhere a
blind bayou man saved me!

He took me back to his
shack and prepared me

life-nourishing jambalaya,

teaching me the recipe along the way.

Hold up,
you were trying to bone a raccoon?

Is... Is that what you're saying?

Steve, you're totally missing

one of the two points of my story.

I know how to make truly
authentic jambalaya

as taught to me by a blind bayou man!

Count me out!

I'm on a deadline.

I didn't know you had
a new project, Klaus.

Yeah, I'm writing a new
blockbuster movie for John Cena,

but I only have four days to do it.

That's when he has a book signing

at the Langley Book Hole.

I'm going to present him with the script

and convince him to be in it.

I love John Cena!

I didn't know he was an author.

Oh, yeah, great author.

I'm actually slowly working my way

through his new one right now
because I don't want it to end!

Well, [BLEEP] jambalaya.
Can I help with your script?

Are you serious?!

I was a huge fan of the p*rn

you and Roger wrote back in Season .

Alright!

You're getting in at the right time too,

I'm at the top of page one.

Well, I'm glad you're excited
to cook my veggies, Roger!

Only problem is I'm
having a little trouble

remembering that recipe.

Well, I was originally
thinking of cooking...

I know how I can remember!

You know how in college
if you go to class drunk

and then take the final drunk

- you remember everything and ace it?
- No.

I just have to get back to
that exact same drunk headspace

I was in in that bayou in ' .

Honestly, Roger, if...
if you can't remember...

No, no, I can get there.

[BOTTLES SHATTER, BLENDER WHIRS]

[GULPS]

Do you remember the recipe?!

- [URINE SPLATTERING]
- Roger, you're pissing in my colander.

I can't believe we're in the
same town as Bev DiVincenzo!

There's Suzie's Meal Box!

The best chicken Caesar
salad in the world!

There's her non-judgmental gym!

Oh, my God, it's Bev! It's Bev!

♪♪

[CRASHING]

[HISSING]

FRANCINE: Roger!

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Roger! You destroyed my garden!

[VOMITS]

[GASPS] I remember the jambalaya recipe!

In walks the lead, Brevin Docent...

Whoa! Sick name!

We gotta give him a deep character.

Women want to sleep with him
and guys wanna sleep with him.

Yes.

His ass looks hard but also soft.

His eyes are two rhinestones
in a bowl of heavy cream.

He's a guy you want to have a beer with,

but when he's having a beer...

he's doing nuclear
physics in a notebook.

Yes!

He fosters sick cats
and makes girls climax

like times a night!

Klaus!

This is really good.

Oh, my God, Francine there you are!

I figured it all out...

how we can raise funds
to fix your garden.

I wasn't really worried
about the money part.

The answer was right in
front of us the whole time!

Jambalaya!

We'll use a portion of the
profits from the restaurant

to fix your garden!

What restaurant?!

The jambalaya restaurant!

That's what all the veggies
and seafood are for, silly!

- I don't wanna...
- Holy crap!

Look what was in the shrimp!

It's a frozen alligator!

I wonder if it was frozen alive
like "Encino Man"?

What if this is an "Encino Man"
situation, Francine?

We better defrost it.

[DOORBELL DINGS]

I think that's the new
front of the restaurant!

New what of the huh?

[CRANE HUMMING]

You order the old bayou porch?

Where you want it?

[THUD]

That'll work.

- Right?
- Roger, that's where my garden was!

She had a garden.

Now we have a restaurant!

Oh, my God! He's alive!

I'm gonna name him Julius!

Doesn't he look like a Julius?

I don't know, Roger.

I don't know what a Julius looks like.

All I can picture is a little Roman guy

or a Philadelphia er.

Roger, I don't want you running
a restaurant out of the house!

You're the one who wanted
to open a restaurant.

No. I said I wanted to make a
"restaurant-quality" dish

with vegetables from my garden.

Oh, my God,
enough about your dumb garden!

It was covered in throw-up!

And anyway,
it's too late because I sent Rogu

to the wharf with a bunch of flyers,

and his cute ass always
pulls in business.

So that's it?
The house is now a restaurant?!

Whoa! Francine! Your tone!

It's upsetting Julius!

God, he's soft.

You should feel how soft he... Aah!

[CHUCKLES] He keeps me quick.

[SMOOCHES]

Stan's going to k*ll us both

if he comes back to a
restaurant in his living room!

You're always so worried
about what Stan thinks.

I'm starting to think you like him.

Maybe even more than the restaurant.

Much more! Because I don't
like the restaurant at all!

[GASPS] And there it is.

You were right, Julius.

I hate to do this,
but Julius and I have been talking

and we don't think you're
dedicated to the restaurant.

I have to fire you.

You are no longer an employee
of Julius's Bayou Bistro.

I was never an employee
of Julius's Bayou Bistro!

And that's a dumb name!

[GASPS] Too far!

Just get your stuff and go.

This is my stuff!

This is all my stuff!

[SMOOCHES]

♪♪

Where are we?

Oh, my God.

You guys had quite the crash.

Lucky I was driving by.
Local hospital's a bunch of dipshits.

I'll get you back on your feet.

I'm Bev DiVincenzo.

I'm just glad you guys didn't die.

You know what they say...

YOLO.

♪♪

Rogu, everyone's ready
and you haven't plated

a single bowl of jambalaya?!

Rogu in weeds.

I'm starting to think all
that restaurant experience

on your application was a lie.

You wrote Rogu résumé.

You got me there.

Well, at least we can count on Julius.

Perfect. As always.

Whoa! [CHUCKLES]

And as soon as Rogu is
ready with the jambalaya...

Ready.

Now I just don't know
what to believe, Rogu.

Showtime!

♪ Jambalaya ♪

♪ Jambalaya ♪

♪ If you want something good ♪

♪ Eat as much as you can ♪

♪ Jambalaya ♪

♪ Jambalaya ♪

♪ I learned this recipe
from a little blind man ♪

And now it is my pleasure to introduce

the b*ating heart of this restaurant.

His name is on the front for a reason...

Julius!

'Scuse me. Sorry, did not rehearse this.

- [THUDDING, CLATTERING]
- Whoa! [CHUCKLES]

Hope someone brought
two figs in a coin-purse

'cause that's what I just felt!

- [GLASS SHATTERING]
- Ow, my shin! Oh, Jesus!

That one stopped me dead in my tracks.

Ah!

Got it. Just give me a second.

Okay, I'm good.

Julius!

[DINERS "AWWS"]

And feel how soft he is!

[JULIUS SNAPPING, DINERS GASPING]

Yay! Three cheers for Julius
and his great restaurant!

- [CHEERING]
- WOMAN: Hooray for Julius!

That's the softest
alligator I've ever felt.

How much would you...

sell him for?

For Julius?!

Never, creep!

Everything has a price.

I would be buying him for
only good purposes, of course.

Hm.

Hey, you're a real weirdo.

Outta here, buddy.

If you change your mind, you can find me

at the big, scary animal-wallet
factory at the edge of town!

- [DOOR SLAMS]
- Now, who's ready for more jambalaya?!

[CHEERING]

Now who's ready for "Avatar "?

[CHEERING]

I can't hear you!

This is James [BLEEP] Cameron!

Just like always, all I wanted to do
was cook my vegetables

and now Roger's running a restaurant

out of our living room with
his new pet alligator...

Julius.

God, I'd love to see Roger's face

if something ever
happened to stupid Julius.

[GASPS] That's it!

I'm gonna make something
happen to stupid Julius!

Oh, my God, will you shut up?!

You've been ranting for hours!

I'm not stopping you from
writing your dumb script,

be my guest!

Okay, Steve, it's the climax.

The bad guys still have the kid.

What if the hero skydives in?

The bad guys, stunned by how
beautiful and cool Brevin Docent

played by John Cena is,
simply stand there...

and he mows them all
down with a machine g*n.

Holy cow...

They just stare at
him as he sh**t them?

That's stupid.

Get her out of here!

- Mom!
- Fine, whatever.

This room sucks!

Your story sucks!

She's a hater, Steve! She's a hater!

[DOOR SLAMS]

But... what if she's right?

♪♪

Well, sounds like you'll
be playing basketball again

in no time.

Hey! What are you doing telling Bev

your legs are feeling better?

They are. Why wouldn't I?

Because as soon as we're okay,

Bev will kick us out.

And we can't leave until we witness

her vacuum pack her winter clothes.

Your legs are okay?

Don't ruin this for me.

Hey, Bev, you wouldn't happen

to have any homemade salsa, would you?

No, I only make that on Cinco de Mayo.

But... I guess I could make some now.

Also, I was thinking
maybe a little fresh air

would do us good.

I see you have a patio.

Yeah, we can sit out there tonight.

Oh, darn,
I was hoping to watch the Pirates game.

You guys didn't tell me
you were Pirates fans!

I have an iPad we can watch it on.

[CLAPPING]

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

♪ Jambalaya, whoa ♪

♪ Look at that hot guy-a ♪

Now it's time to meet

the b*ating heart of this restaurant.

His name is on the front for a reason...

Julius!

- Feel how soft he...
- [SPLASH]

What the hell?

Jambalaya? But where's Julius?

Someone knock out Rogu.

Almost die.

Julius has been stolen!

It's printing!
We should have just enough time

to get to the bookstore!

So did you guys change your ending?

I swear to God, Francine...

Somebody took Julius!

Julius is missing!

Yo, bro, you got soup on our script!

Soup on your script?! Julius is missing!

Now maybe you know what it feels like

when someone takes
something you care about.

Francine, did you have something to do

with Julius's disappearance?

- Yes!
- [GASPS]

I was gonna throw him in Greg's pool,

but luckily a creepy guy
lurking in our bushes

- offered to do it for me.
- Oh, no!

He's connected to that
animal-wallet factory!

Animal-wallet factory?

Can you guys please take
this anywhere else?!

Where would an animal
even put their wallet?

I mean, a kangaroo I understand.

- ♪♪
- _

FRANCINE: Ohhhh.

Oh, no!

You gotta believe me, Roger.

I didn't know I was
putting Julius in danger.

Just forget it, Francine.

All I want right now is
to walk into that building

and walk out with
Julius safely intact...

and a brand-new wallet
made from an animal

I have no emotional attachments to.

Like a famous show dog or something.

I don't know. Come on.

[SHUDDERING] Ohohoho.

He's so soft.

Skin him.

Noooooooooooooo!

Get them!

We need a plan!

I meant to bring that up in the car.

♪♪

In that moment,
Elbow Grease realized it would take more

than all-wheel drive
to get over the bridge.

It would take love.

Wait, he writes children's books?

Didn't you say you were slowly
working your way through one?

They're good books!

The main guy is a determined truck!

Hell yeah! That's a book, bro!

[CHUCKLES] That's a book!

Come on. We have a script to sell.

And act tough. John Cena can smell fear.

♪♪

Hey, you need to be careful.

Bev seemed a little
unsettled when you asked her

to make the macaroni salad she
made for her aunt's funeral.

I said "would make for
an aunt's funeral."

Alright, a little mac salad.

How bad my Pirates losing?

Excellent,
also any chance we can get a little more

of this amazing, wet, watery salsa?

Sure.

I need to go in and call
my boyfriend Irv, anyway.

[BOTH GROAN]

- Irv...
- She's too good for Irv.

She should date that
guy from her office.

The one she gives the big donut
to every year on his birthday.

- Mark Matthews?
- Mark Matthews! Her work husband!

She's always posting
about how it's not sexual,

but I think they could get there.

How do you know Mark Matthews?
What's going on?

You guys have been saying
lots of weird stuff.

We'll always love you!
Please don't block us!

♪♪

So you figured out we were making dr*gs.

What?! No, honestly,
we were just here for Julius!

So you aren't here to take
down my huge cocaine operation?

FRANCINE: Wow, that's a ton of cocaine.

Well, now you've definitely seen it,

so I still have to k*ll you.

It's funny, I was just saying
I bet the only thing softer

than an alligator wallet
would be a human one.

And now I get to find out.

♪♪

If you had just let
me cook my vegetables,

none of this would be happening.

But then we never would've met Julius.

Wouldn't you rather die with Julius

- than have never met him?
- No!

Aah! Julius look away!

What the hell is that?

♪♪

[SHUDDERS] Whoa.

His eyes are like two rhinestones...

in a bowl of heavy cream!

♪♪

- Aah!
- Aah!

- Ugh!
- Oh!

[MEN GRUNTING]

♪♪

Whoo! Who thinks
this is stupid now, Francine?

How'd you get John Cena to save us?

He saw the jambalaya stain on our script

and asked how it happened!

Oh, when Stu and Klaude told me

you had a missing alligator,
I had to help.

See, I once had a pet alligator.

Well, actually...
he was more of a best friend.

But I lost him while
scouting a shrimp factory

for a new Elbow Grease book.

Wait...

Julius?!

[JULIUS SQUAWKS]

[LAUGHS] It really is you!

Wait a second. He was your alligator?!

And we both named him Julius?

[LAUGHS] I guess he does
just look like a Julius.

God, I miss Julius!

Man, it really hurts when you
lose something you care about.

It's almost like you and your garden.

Actually, it's exactly like that.

Francine,
I think I just learned a lesson.

I know I learned one. Trying too...

Oh, look! The trailer for Julius
and John Cena's new movie is up!

They stole the idea from Steve
and Klaus. Isn't that funny?

ANNOUNCER: He's a nuclear physicist

you'd wanna get a beer with...

and he's an alligator
you wanna have sex with.

And together they're bad
news for the bad guys.

This fall, John Cena is Brevin Docent...

and introducing Julius as... Julius.

Two geniuses from different genuses.

You're gonna wanna [BLEEP]
this dude and this alligator!

- [g*nshots]

Directed by James [BLEEP] Cameron.

Bye! Have a beautiful time!