09x02 - Dinklescouts/I Dream of Cosmo

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Timmy is an average kid

♪ That no one understands

♪ Mom and dad and vicky always giving him commands ♪

- Bed, twerp!

- ♪ The doom and gloom up in his room ♪

♪ Is broken instantly

♪ By his magic little fish who grant his every wish ♪

♪ 'Cause in reality

♪ They are his oddparents

♪ Fairly oddparents

- Wands and wings.

- Float-y crown-y things.

- ♪ Oddparents, fairly oddparents ♪

♪ Really mod, pea pod, buff bod, hot rod ♪

- Obtuse, rubber goose, green moose, guava juice,

Giant snake, birthday cake, large fries, chocolate shake!

- ♪ Oddparents, fairly oddparents ♪

♪ It flips your lid when you are the kid ♪

♪ With fairly oddparents

- Yeah, right.

- Hi, timmy.

- [Screams] don't eat me!

- I would never eat you, timmy.

Besides, I just ate the dog food your mom made for dinner.

- That was meat loaf.

- Oh, then I took a b*llet for you there.

- [Screams]

- Sport, you've been screaming all morning.

Why are you so jumpy?

- Because I'm going on a camping trip

With my squirrely scout troop, and my dad is the troop leader.

[All scream]

- What's wrong with your dad?

- Every time we go on a camping trip,

My dad puts us in terrible danger.

- Watch and learn, scouts.

Beehives are nature's pinata.

[Bees buzz]

[All scream]

To start a fire, just rub two sticks together.

- That's dynamite, dad!

- Thanks, timmy.

You're pretty groovy yourself.

- Aw, come on, timmy.

Your dad's not that dangerous.

- At least not to us because we're immortal.

- Oh, timmy?

- Am I dead?

- Check out the extremely challenging campground

We're going to.

We'll be lucky to come back with our sanity intact.

- "Fault line state park.

"If you have a bad time, it's not our fault.

Unless there's another earthquake."

Dad, this place sounds dangerous.

- Oh, the earthquakes aren't that bad.

It's the vicious, inbred mountain men

I'd be worried about.

- Dad, do we really have

To go camping this year?

- It's a squirrely scouts tradition.

Besides, if I drive a group of boys to the movies

In this outfit, they'll arrest me.

- Okay. Excuse me, dad.

Guys, you gotta save me.

We won't survive if my dad is troop leader.

I wish someone more responsible was in charge.

- You have to be more specific.

Even the vicious, inbred mountain men

Are more responsible than your dad.

- Ah, let's see.

Who's the most responsible person I know?

- Hey, turner.

Just risked my life to save timmy

From a frayed power line

That almost swung into his room.

No need to thank me.

I live to be responsible.

- You monster!

You're steaming up the window with your hot dinklebreath!

- [Yelps]

- That's it!

I wish mr. Dinkleberg was my troop leader.

- There you are, son.

If you're finished talking to yourself behind the door,

We can go camping.

Oh, timmy, I love being

Your squirrely scout leader.

- Uh, maybe we should just wait a few seconds

In case we get some surprising news.

[Phone rings]

- Hello. What?

I'm being replaced as the squirrely scout leader?

That is surprising news.

[Sadly] by who?

- Hi, turner.

I'm the new scout leader.

- Dinkleberg.

No!

No, timmy!

I had a horrible dream that candy tasted like vegetables.

Also, dinkleberg replaced me as the scout leader.

- That was no dream, turner. I have replaced you.

Care for a zucchini lollipop?

- No!

My nightmares are real!

Gah! - Okay.

Let's go camping.

[All cheer]

- Okay, campers.

Squirrely scout credo, ten-hut.

All: we are little squirrely scouts.

We like to hoard our nuts.

We climb up trees and skin our knees

And shake our squirrely butts.

- [Retches]

It's hard to keep nuts in your mouth when you're crying.

- It's gonna be okay, dad.

You may not be troop leader anymore,

But at least the squirrely scout association

Said it was okay for you to come with us.

- Sure, as a junior scout, who has to stay away from fire

And sharp objects and children.

Where's the fun in that?

Oh, my tiny uniform hurts!

- I love going camping.

There's nothing like living off the lamb,

Sleeping under the stairs.

- Cosmo, it's living off the land

And sleeping under the stars.

- Oh, then I packed stairs and a lamb for nothing.

[Lamb bleats]

- This doesn't look like fault line state park.

- Oh, it's not, timmy.

Welcome to safety canyon,

Where there is no canyon

Because that would be too dangerous.

- Guys, this place is awesome.

I definitely made the right decision

By replacing my dad with mr. Dinkleberg.

I am so happy!

- I'm so sad.

And not just because I sat on this porcupine.

[Yelps] I miss being troop leader!

[Sobs]

- Then again, maybe I didn't make the right decision.

- Oh, timmy, you just need to relax

And take in the fresh hare.

[Sniffs and sighs]

Aw, yuck, I need a fresher hare.

This one smells like dirt and carrots.

[Yelps]

Okay.

I am starting to hate camping.

- Wanda, maybe I was wrong

To make mr. Dinkleberg the scout leader.

I broke my dad's heart.

I wish-- - okay, kids.

I set up our campsite.

- You wish what, timmy?

- I wish I was the first in line for the ferris wheel!

[All cheer]

- Okay, campers.

Time to go on a super safe hike.

- Whenever we go hiking with mr. Turner,

We get lost and mauled by a bear.

- Oh, don't worry.

I have a g.p.s., Which is linked

To a satellite that I built out of leftover parts

From the ferris wheel.

- [Scoffs] no true camp leader

Uses technology.

I'll navigate the trail with my rock compass.

Ooh, but first I'll fill the pockets of my tiny pants

With raw hamburger for good luck.

[Growling] [screams]

Hamburger is not good luck!

- Okay, squirrely scouts.

Time for canoeing.

- When we went canoeing with mr. Turner,

We hit an iceberg and sank.

- Don't worry. No icebergs here.

I had the lake heated to a soothing degrees

And filled it with cocoa.

Now hop into your fluffy marshmallow boats.

- Whoo-hoo!

Come on, dad.

Dad?

- Just go with dinkleberg, timmy.

After all, he's your favoritest troop leader.

I'm gonna sh**t the rapids in this canoe

I made out of rusty machetes.

I think I'll take this river

With a skull and crossbones sign next to it.

There was one just like this on the iceberg we hit last year.

See?

I'm having my own super safe scouting fun.

[Screams]

I'm gripped with terror!

- Fun fact, scouts.

This park has the tallest waterfall on the planet.

You can even see it from space.

- [Screams]

If you can see me from space, help!

[All cheer]

- You're the best scout leader ever, mr. Dinkleberg.

- Yeah, when we played volleyball with mr. Turner,

We usually hit an iceberg-- oof!

- I don't even know how that's possible.

Now come sit down and enjoy some delicious dinkleburgers.

They're made out of lobster.

- But I'm allergic to shellfish.

- That's okay, it's marshmallow lobster.

[All cheer]

- They don't need me.

I'm just gonna slink into the woods

And live in shame for the rest of my days.

Or at least until monday, when I have to go back to work.

[Somber music]

♪

- Dad, I brought you a dinkleburger.

Dad?

"Dear son, dinkleberg is a better scout leader than me.

"The squirrely scout association was right to replace me.

"You'll never have to look at my sorry face again.

See you monday. Love, dad."

Oh, no, sparky.

My dad can't survive alone in the woods.

He can barely survive alone in our house.

Use your canine senses to track him down.

- You got it, timmy.

I'll do what all dogs do.

[Sniffs]

[Rock music plays]

♪

- A dog h*jacked our bus.

- That's okay, kids.

I brought jetpacks.

[Growling]

- I feel terrible.

I've let timmy down, and there are fire ants on this stump.

I hope I don't start hallucinating

From sadness and fire ant venom.

[Horn honks]

Ooh, a dog driving a bus.

Nothing weird there.

- Hey, timmy's dad.

- A talking dog.

Now I know I'm hallucinating.

The venom has gone straight from my butt to my brain.

- Timmy sent me. He's worried about you.

- Oh, timmy doesn't need me, figment of my imagination.

He's having the time of his life with dinkleberg.

- Ahh, help!

Dad, save me!

- Ooh! Timmy's in danger.

I'd rescue him, but I'd only mess it up.

Dinkleberg can save him.

- Ahh, I can't save him!

- You can do it, timmy's dad.

You're timmy's dad.

- That kind of wisdom is hard to argue with.

Come on, dog that isn't here.

Drive me back to camp.

[Rock music plays]

♪

- [Whimpers]

[All growling]

- Stay away from my son, bear!

I may not be able to camp, canoe,

Or survive in my own house,

But I can get on an imaginary bus

With a made-up dog!

[Confused growls]

- Great job, dad.

Your gibberish confused the bears.

- Yeah, it confused me too.

What was I saying? Oh, right!

Nature's pinata, do your stuff!

Duck, timmy!

[Bears growl] [bees buzz]

[All cheer]

- You did it, dad. You saved us.

- Good job, turner.

You're a hero and more deserving

To be a squirrely scout troop leader than I am.

- You take that back, dinkleberg!

Oh, wait.

Anyway, I don't need to be a scout leader

As long as you're proud of me, son.

- I was always proud of you, dad.

Sure, you never do anything right.

But you never stop trying.

Three cheers for my dad!

All: hip hip hooray!

Hip hip hooray!

Hip hip hooray!

[Bird squawks]

- [Screams]

I've been snatched by a hawk!

- Well, sport, looks like your dad's

Not such a bad scout leader after all.

- You're right, wanda.

As soon as that hawk lets him go,

I'm gonna undo my wish and make him scout leader again.

Hey, where's cosmo?

- Up here, guys.

- What are you doing up there?

- Duh, I'm roofing it.

- That's "roughing it."

- Said the city slicker.

- Curse you, dinkleberg!

[Yelps] an iceberg!

Now I'm sinking!

- Hey, sparky.

Wanna play fetch?

- If you're up for it, sure.

Fetch!

[Crash]

Yay!

I broke something on my first try!

I'm good at fetch!

- My parents'll flip.

- We gotta get it back.

- Whoa, this attic is a mess.

We'll never find the ball.

- Ooh, a lamp.

Maybe the ball fell in here.

[Grunts]

Ooh, dark in here.

Ironic for a lamp.

- Gee, sport.

Your mom has a lot of ball gowns.

- I hear the rustle of taffeta.

Who's playing with my ball gowns?

- [Groans]

- Timmy, what are you doing in my dress-up room?

I mean, man cave.

- Man cave?

There's only a folding chair,

An a.m. Radio, and some cough drops.

- I'd have a better man cave

If I didn't have so many grown-up responsibilities.

[Sobs] b-b-but it's okay.

You and--and your mother and--and all the money you need

Are very important to me.

- Okay, well, I'm just gonna awkwardly head back to my room,

Should anyone be looking for me!

- And now back to our program, [span] today's ball gowns.[/Span]

- This is the manly life.

Aah!

Oh, who am I kidding?

How will I ever get enough money

To turn this pathetic attic into a real man cave?

- Does anyone have a cough drop?

It's dusty in here.

[Grunts]

- Ooh! A genie in a lamp.

Maybe he can lend me the money.

- I'm a genie?

- Well, the only things that fall out of lamps

Are genies and dead silverfish.

And dead silverfish can't make your dreams come true.

Ugh, learned that the hard way.

So you must be a genie.

Grant me a wish!

Grant! Grant!

- So my name is "grant" then.

"One wish coming up," grant said.

- Wait a minute.

You have a wand?

You must be part witch, part genie.

[Gasps] you're a magic weenie!

- Wait a minute. Where's cosmo?

Oh, no.

I hope my dad doesn't find him.

- I found a magic weenie!

- Oh, no. We've gotta get up there.

- Oh, I don't know, timmy.

Your father and cosmo in the same room together?

It might be safer to just pack up and move to mexico.

- Mexico?

I know a guy down there who can set us up.

- Let's see what's going on in the attic first.

- So what does a weenie do?

- You have to grant me three wishes.

And by three, I mean a gazillion.

My first wish is to turn this attic into a real man cave.

[Bear growls]

- [Shrieks]

Ahh! Lose the bear.

He'll tear up my ball gowns.

Just give me awesome, manly things.

Cool!

Flat screen tv!

Ooh! A fancy bowl for my cough drops.

Oh! And a vibrating chair that requires quarters.

Everyone knows quarters are the manliest

Of all coins.

[Quivery] this is the life, grant.

[Screams]

- Cosmo, you're not supposed to be talking to my dad.

- What's a cosmo?

I'm a weenie, and my name is grant.

- Oh, I think he has amnesia.

Cosmo, listen to me. You are not a weenie.

You're a fairy.

- If I was a fairy,

I would be ruling over a bunch of egyptians.

- That's a pharaoh!

Oh, forget it.

Let's just hit him over the head

And hope he gets his memory back.

- Can't we just take him to a shrink?

- "I'll take you to a shrink,"

Grant said cleverly.

- Oh, no! Cosmo shrunk us down.

Wanda, you gotta poof us back to normal.

- Sorry, sport, but when you shrink a wand,

You only have enough magic to do silly parlor tricks.

Oh, a little water won't hurt you.

[All scream]

- We're gonna drown.

Sparky, help!

- [Giggles]

- Hey, honey. Great news.

I have a magic grant, who gave me this vibrating chair

And an endless supply of quarters.

- How many of those cough drops have you had, dear?

Anyway, you're gonna be late for work.

- If only I didn't have to go.

[Gasps] wait a minute.

The weenie, he could drive me to work!

Better yet, we could stop for waffles!

- Or I could make it so you never have to work again.

- Could we still have waffles?

- "Done," grant said, waffle-y.

Now you never have to work again.

[Phone rings]

- Ooh, it's my boss, mr. Ed leadly.

- You're fired, turner.

- Thank you, mr. Ed leadly.

This is the best day of my life!

Great news, honey. I was fired!

Don't worry, we'll just pay our bills with quarters.

- That's nice, dear.

But you still have to take out the trash.

- Gah, I hate doing chores.

Grant, can you make my wife disappear?

- Isn't that illegal?

- Not if you make the police disappear.

- "I see where you're going with this,"

Grant said nervously.

Um, how about I just make it

So you never have to take out the trash again?

Ta-da!

Now your house is the city dump,

So you can leave your trash where it is.

- Yay!

How could this day get any better?

- Honey, look at all this cash!

People are paying us to dump their garbage at our house.

We're making more money than you ever did

At your dead end pencil job.

[Truck beeps]

Ooh, a dump truck filled with old toilets.

We're gonna be flush with cash.

Get it?

Eh, I don't get it, but I love that woman.

And she'll love me even more when I wish for huge biceps.

[Yelps]

Be right back, grant.

I'm gonna go show dinkleberg

My buff biceps and my roll of manly quarters.

[Truck beeps]

- Aah!

- This is a nightmare.

We're tiny, and my house is full of garbage.

- Timmy, focus.

This is our chance to bonk cosmo on the head,

So he gets his memory back.

- Sparky, grab that frying pan.

[Heroic music]

- Oh, grant?

- Coming, your royal sl*ve driver.

- Guess what, grant.

I've gone mad with power.

I have a whole list of demands.

Some of them might be a little crazy

Because all the blood has rushed to my head.

[Gasps] oh, no.

Here comes my evil neighbor, dinkleberg.

- Hey, turner.

I got a million-dollar reward

For saving a cat from a burning house,

And I thought it would be neighborly

To give half of it to you.

- You conniving, black-hearted monster!

I wish dinkleberg never existed.

- "Okay, but there's a small chance

That could alter the fabric of space and time,"

He said, waffle-y.

- Just do it!

[Monster roars]

[Yelps]

Change it back! Change it back!

Ooh, but leave my biceps the way they are.

- Well, I have no memory of what just happened.

Spend your money wisely, turner.

- I should be careful about what I wish for,

Or I might destroy the world.

I know!

I wish the sun was closer,

So I can bronze my beefy biceps.

- Mm, nothing like the smell of hot garbage

And roasting biceps on a summer day in january.

- Oh, no. What did my dad do?

Wanda, how are we gonna stop the sun

From incinerating the earth?

- Sorry, timmy, but all I can do are these useless magic tricks.

- Wait a minute, that's it!

We can use this never-ending handkerchief

To swing ourselves over to cosmo.

[All scream]

I gotta say, cosmo's brain

Is a lot bigger than I thought it would be.

- That's not his brain. That's a raisin.

He keeps raisins in his head to put on his cereal.

- Boy, I could go for a big bowl of raisin brain cereal.

[All scream]

- Hurry, we have to kick-start cosmo's brain!

- Which one's his brain?

- Oh, just keep kicking raisins.

Yah!

[Grunting]

- Wait a minute. It's all coming back to me.

I'm not a weenie.

I'm the plucky bass player in an all-girl band.

- [Grunts]

- No, I'm a-- I'm a fairy.

And my name is couscous!

- Close enough.

- Cosmo, you have to poof everything back to normal.

[Heroic music]

♪

Phew, that was close.

Cosmo, it's good to have you back.

- It's good to be back.

Being on tour with an all-girl band is exhausting.

Staying up late, sharing makeup tips,

Having pillow fights in our underwear.

- [Sobbing] oh, grant is gone.

I must have made too many wishes.

All I have left are these earwax-covered raisins

And $/ million from dinkleberg.

Like that's any consolation.

Curse you, dinkleberg!

Me, I guess I'll just go back to my pathetic man cave

With my a.m. Radio and expired cough drops.

- Cosmo, I want you to grant my dad one last wish.

- My man cave!

It's even better than before.

- Grant, you're back!

- Yes, but now, like all weenies,

I'm off to the north pole to find me pot of gold.

- Of course.

- Yay!

- This place is so great.

Ooh! I even have a bear skin rug.

[Bear roars]

Stay away from my ball gowns!

- [Span]buenos dias.[/Span]

I got the passports.

- Magic weenie!