02x04 - We Found Love in a Popeless Place

[bunniefuu]

Did you just come from the gym,

or a tornado or something?

- I was with Staedtler in the broom closet.

- What? Give me all the steamy details!

So get this, we're in the closet

and I'm totally naked.

Oh, hell yeah!

Emotionally. I'm telling him

about my parents and my childhood

Get to the sexy fling part.

Yeah, I'm building to it.

So Staedtler, he has this huge,

almost intimidatingly massive

Inject that sh*t straight into my veins!

heart.

Most people say that they care

about stuff, but he really does.

This ain't hot!

This is some monogamy sh*t.

Ha, please!

Staedtler's just a random hookup

that makes me feel like I'm home

every time we make eye contact.

And sure, when I smell him,

I feel like part of me that I never

thought was missing is complete.

That doesn't mean that I want

Oh God. I want Staedtler

to be my boyfriend!

You told me you weren't

looking for anything serious!

You're a living stem cell, Steve.

Call me incel Steve now.

[upbeat music plays]

To conclude today's HR presentation,

groping your own clone

is still sexual harassment,

not masturbation,

and neither are allowed at work,

Andre!

Can't blame a guy for trying.

Everything reminds me of him.

We can't have sex with clones.

We can't nuke UC Berkeley.

You snowflakes won't let us have any fun!

- [Andre] Shut the f*ck up!

- Go eat a bag of dicks.

Luckily, I've made a new HR handbook

just for this group.

This is Volume One.

I think I'm gonna ask Staedtler

to be my boyfriend tonight.

I even ironed my lab coat.

Okay, I'm just gonna forget that last part

and just be happy for you.

Where are you going to pop the question?

- A place really special to us.

- Don't say broom closet.

- The broom closet!

- Are you crazy?

If you really like this guy, you need

to get some romance up in this bitch.

Romance?

I just lied to you

about ironing my lab coat.

How am I gonna find some place

romantic enough to ask him out?

We've been f*cked by the pope!

For the love of God, context!

- [Mothman] Hey!

- Buzz off, dipshit.

He just suspended our contract

to build the Vatican a hell on Earth!

Building a what on where?

Why do you never know anything?

I should work in construction

with the amount of pipe I have to lay.

so the College of Cardinals hired us

to create a fake hell under Rome.

The plan was to simulate an earthquake

that uncovers hell,

then everyone would

be so terrified of God's wrath

Wow, Disney magic can do anything.

Including send people to hell?

Relax. It's just for show.

No one's actually "going to hell."

Except Andre, for the weird sh*t

he did with his clone.

No regrets.

And this project.

The new pope is apparently chill AF.

He found out about the hell contract

and wants to shut it down.

And Jesus said,

"I shall not bogart Salvation."

"Heaven is deadass lit, fam."

Ocasio-Cortez 2024.

I need one of you to go to Rome

and brainwash the pope into a hardcore

religious conservative overnight.

a bounty of pasta and wine

that's so toe-curlingly sensual, you'll

Dibs! I'll go to Rome.

- Not fair!

- Italian men love Gigi!

Do whatever you have to do.

We need this contract.

Yes!

[Myc] Come on.

Did you just figure out a way

to turn one of our bullshit missions

into a free vacation?

Suck my per diem!

[yelps]

[groans]

[romantic music plays]

Whoa, this hotel room is like

the Colosseum of broom closets.

And so many less cleaning supplies.

Look at all the natural light.

I've never seen it on your face before.

Nice face, by the way.

[romantic music continues]

Wait until you see

the restaurant I booked.

Yelp calls it one of the top five bistros

to have honest, emotional conversations.

We can go right after we knock out

this whole pope business.

Oh. Oh, right.

I thought I might do that part myself.

I usually don't mix

business with pleasure.

It'll take two seconds.

It's a quick meeting

with our contact, the cardinal,

you scramble the pope's brains

so he green-lights hell,

and then, boom,

we're free to go out on the town.

You do make it sound so simple.

So let's slam these negronis

and hit the road, huh?

When in Rome, right?

- I was waiting for one of us to say that.

- You gotta say it.

It's half the reason people come here.

Ugh. It's like a homeless family

of licorice is squatting in my mouth!

Gross.

[Myc] It's bullshit

Reagan gets to go to Rome.

I've always wanted to go on a Euro trip

ever since I saw the 2004 movie EuroTrip.

[gasps] Let's expense a trip to Rome

and say it's for the hell project!

Rome? You gotta take me with you.

Please! I'll pay you

in insufficient funds ATM slips.

Of course. We need a gopher to haggle

with the locals and hold our trash.

- What are y'all talkin' about?

- Nothing.

[all groan]

A trip? I'm in. I love air travel.

When you're a m*llitary man,

people clap for you,

offer you their seat in first class,

Fine. But only because I know you'd

narc on us if we didn't let you go.

Yes! Vacation time!

Are you always wearing that?

When you hit a certain size, it's harder

to find shirts that aren't Hawaiian.

And the maître d' was very mean

on the phone.

Should we practice a couple

of traditional greetings for the pope?

No time, but don't worry.

I've been training my robo arms

to learn Italian.

Pronto, pronto, prego, pasta.

Not offensive to Italians at all.

[choral music plays]

Ah, Cognito!

- Cardinal.

- Peace be with you.

And also with your spirit.

This new chill pope is more blasphemous

than we thought.

He's presiding over a gay dog wedding.

["Wedding March" plays]

I now pronounce you two good boys.

I always cry at gay dog weddings.

[scoffs] I give them six months.

Wow, what a hot crowd!

Excuse me, Mr. Pope,

can I try on your big, weird hat?

[gasps]

Son of a bishop!

He can't hear you.

I built this Catholicizer

to make anyone with an ounce

of Catholic in them extra judgmental.

I'm a lapsed Catholic myself,

but if I got zapped,

all that guilt I've suppressed

would just explode right out of me.

That's me in the corner,

losing my religion.

Aw. Hey, look at you

mixing business with pleasure.

Yeah. I'll call it Biz-Leasure,

working title.

Actually, I feel good about it.

Let's lock it in.

Anyway, this guy'll be Catholic enough

to raise hell in a few hours.

You said it was gonna take two seconds.

- [cell phone vibrating]

- Ah, sh**t. Illuminati.

Jay-Z just got a hundredth problem

and he's freaking the f*ck out.

We're gonna be late for this dinner,

and I have something important to ask you.

I could just speed things up a bit.

[machine whirs]

[Catholicizer beeps]

[Reagan] Right?

You don't mind, Your Holiness.

[in bad Italian accent] It's good, Reagan.

Forget about it! Mamma mia! Let's go!

[laughs]

[in normal voice] Oh, man.

If God is real, I'm f*cked.

I can't believe cheap-ass Rand

made us shadow lev

all the way out

to the freakin' Denver Airport.

How is the access point

for all shadow world air travel

under this horse's big blue nuts?

No one told you to look up.

[jaunty music plays]

[all groan]

Pat-downs will be random

in that we will randomly

pick someone that we do not like.

[groans]

The Denver Airport Shadow Terminal also

has security? But we run the whole world.

We are in an airport.

Even the Deep State can't b*at TSA.

God himself would have to put his laptop

in a separate bin.

Heh. Watch and learn, soy boys.

- [beeping]

- What's that?

Did your metal detector

detect all my medals?

Please remove your shoes.

That won't be necessary, son.

[slurping]

Let that man pass. He's a veteran.

I'm the Searchin' General,

head of the TSA.

I apologize for that.

I would never hold up a man who used

to k*ll people and follow arbitrary rules.

Damn right. I served selflessly

and I deserve royal treatment for it.

Anything for a fellow m*llitary man.

The f*ck did you just say?

The TSA are the unofficial

sixth branch of the m*llitary.

Key words being "unofficial"

and, no, you aren't!

[slurps]

Hawkins, take this man

to secondary inspection.

I think he forgot to take off his shoes.

Guys, wait!

I'm experiencing consequences!

Bye, Glenn. Enjoy the royal treatment.

[romantic music plays]

Hey, I bought you an Italian ice,

which I guess is just ice here?

Yeah, this is just a bag of ice.

No time. We've got reservations

and I feel like this unwoke pope

is about to call me a

Streetwalker!

Right on schedule.

That should have taken way longer.

Did I set the device up properly?

I think you nailed it.

Let's change and get outta here.

Wow, you invented a fanciness g*n?

I call it a blazer g*n. Like laser g*n.

Technically it uses nanoparticles,

but let's save the sexy talk

for after dinner.

Yes. Whisper tech specs in my ear.

So have you finally seen the wisdom

of the hell project, Your Holiness?

Yes, Cardinal,

but showing the people hell below

is just the beginning of God's wrath.

We can accelerate Rome's Revelations.

- [bell tolls]

- [ground rumbles]

- [screaming]

- Whoa!

- [both yelp]

- What the actual hell?

[Pope] If you heathens

have lost your fear of hell after death,

then I shall unleash hell on Earth.

Let's get ready to humble!

[sinister music plays]

- [maniacal laughter]

- [screaming]

[both gasp]

- [Swiss guard] It's prayback time!

- [groaning]

We now pronounce you married.

- No!

- No!

I knew I screwed something up

with the Catholicizer.

Chill out. These things

were built by Disney nerds.

No one's actually going to hell.

[screaming]

f*ck! These animatronics

have gotten so realistic!

Damn you, Bob Iger!

Damn you and your commitment

to excellence!

[dramatic choral music plays]

[reporter] An earthquake and mysterious

winged creatures have rocked Vatican City.

Holy sh*t! [screams]

This is all my fault.

I left to get you that romantic bag of ice

when I should have been manning my post.

I mixed business with pleasure

and look what happened.

But what about Biz-Leasure?

It sounds so clunky now.

Maybe it always did.

- [sighs] This is why I don't date.

- What?!

[gasps] That label-free couple

was holding hands!

Fire the Vati-Cannon!

[dramatic music plays]

[music fades]

Let me make sure the coast is clear.

- Reagan!

- Listen, I need your advice.

Rome is burning and so is my relationship.

Staedtler just said he doesn't date!

My God! He really used that line?

If he tries to con you into some

polyamorous millennial bullshit,

I will be very mad

and very horny about it!

Maybe I just need to ask him

what our deal is, straight up.

No, no, no, no, no.

Would Johnnie Cochran ask a question

if he didn't already know the answer?

No! Which is why

we were never officially engaged.

So, I need to find out

if he wants to date me

before I ask him if he wants to date me?

Exactly.

And then save Italy

from whatever the f*ck you did to it.

[screaming]

You can't just keep me in here

without rhyme or reason.

[laughs] This is the TSA,

and the rules of our domain

are arbitrary and inconvenient,

as decreed by the covenant of our origin.

The year was 1903.

The Wright brothers were preparing

for their maiden flight.

Unfortunately, before take-off,

the two idiot brothers betrayed him

to keep all the glory for themselves.

On that day, Judas founded the TSA,

And so the TSA branch of the m*llitary

was born.

We've never had the respect we deserved,

but a high-ranking general like you

could change that.

Just say we're a branch of the m*llitary

and you're free.

And I thought the Army

had loose psych requirements.

Where'd you get that badge? The gift shop?

Insolent worm!

Just say we're a branch of the m*llitary.

Say it!

[spits]

More like the branch

of has-been Paul Blarts!

That's enough!

We'll find a way to break you, Dolphman.

The TSA always does.

No! Let me have my dignity!

I earned it by k*lling people!

I don't like it,

I don't like it, I don't like it!

This is fixable.

so you can unbrainwash the pope.

I'd ask why the Vatican has secret doors,

but I think the answer

would just bum me out.

These secret passages all have

Da Vinci ass riddles to get through.

"The Mouth of Truth."

You stick your hand in

and then the legend says that if you lie,

it bites down until you tell the truth.

Legend, my ass.

Just some Renaissance era

Catholic security system.

Try sticking your hand in

and I'll see if I can hack it.

[Mouth of Truth] Only the truth

will set you free.

Uh, Reagan?

Working on it.

Maybe you should answer.

Only the truth will set you free.

I don't know. Maybe we should just,

uh, respect the mouth's process.

Uh, totally normal follow-up.

Why don't you date?

What does that have to do with

Let's not forget whose arm

is in whose mouth.

Okay, fine.

The closer I let people get to me,

the more they get hurt.

Can you just let me in?

[Reagan] I could ask you

the same question, dude.

But have you met anyone super-fun recently

that could maybe change your mind?

Maybe, but then because I got distracted,

the pope was throwing

gay puppies into hell.

But if Rome got better, you would maybe

reconsider your stance on, like,

labels and sleepovers

and just generally making it offish?

Reagan, any progress?

Can you check to see if it's stuck

in some kind of prying mode?

[crashing]

Check the hallway.

This passage is not dragon-accessible.

sh*t. We gotta go.

Oh, thank God. Much like our hotel room,

there's a lot to unpack there.

[Myc] One charger and it's broken?

If I didn't know any better,

I'd say they're trying to t*rture us!

[muffled speech]

[Brett] No! There's such a thing

as too moisturized! [gasps for air]

[Myc] Agh!

That sizzles!

How are two Advils $68?

Glenn, you son of a bitch!

You'll hang for this!

Have you ever noticed inconveniences?

Oh God! They're torturing us with dated

observational comedy about airline travel!

Where's my su1c1de pill?

[grunts]

[screaming]

My God, you're a monster.

I drafted a statement for you to sign,

What's it gonna be?

[Seinfeld] Social mores!

Death, take me now!

Just FYI, if I f*ck this up again,

we're gonna have to collect the pope's

liquefied brain into little baggies

and we can't fly with those.

Ron, I should tell you. The real reason

I asked you on this trip is

To make me evil,

but in a fun, cinematic way?

Thanks for that, by the way.

What's he pontificating about?

Nothing. Shut your forgiveness hole!

It was this woman

that tampered with your device!

Reagan? You're the reason

my Catholicizer went full Wahlberg?

I can explain. I was horny and impatient?

Now I am going to fulfill God's plan to

You sabotaged my equipment

and let me think I b*rned down Rome?

Yes, but I was just trying to read

your mixed signals about relationships.

I mean, what the hell are we even doing?

You never mentioned that.

I'm not a mind-reader!

Well, you're in a related field.

Excuse me.

Evil pope trying to get a word

in edgewise over here.

- In your face!

- Agh!

- Staedtler! Are you okay?

- The nuns in Catholic school were right.

I'm going to hell!

What? Would that make us

long-distance or

Guards! Banish these sinners to hell!

No! Staedtler!

I deserve this, Reagan.

I scramble the brains of innocent people,

and I still quote Borat sometimes.

[Reagan grunts]

Look! A woman's ankle!

[all gasp]

Jesu Christo! Ankle-Improstituticus!

- [guards yell]

- I'll come back for you!

[Reagan yells]

[grunts]

[dramatic music plays]

Hell, those Flamin' Hot Cheetos

commercials really nailed it.

Only sinners may pass.

I just hacked

into all your social media accounts.

If you don't let me through,

then I will tweet your entire

search history, Jesusdaddy69.

Wow, that was just a lucky guess.

- [screaming]

- Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

[tense music plays]

No one tortures my team but me!

Here's where you'll be detained.

Unless your general bends the knee.

I can't, and I won't!

[gasps] TSA! Seize him!

Like a medium-to-large electronic device!

[upbeat m*llitary music plays]

- Whoa!

- Your flight's been canceled!

- [groans]

- [Glenn] Prepare for a layover!

Welcome to Hudson News!

- [man groans]

- [Glenn yells]

[screams]

[Glenn laughs]

Oh God! Retreat!

[laughs maniacally]

[sinister music plays]

Level Nine, guilt-ridden kidnapees.

Wow. It is Hieronymus up in this Bosch.

And it's not just what I do for work.

I used to return VHS tapes

without rewinding.

I don't even know why.

I'm like the Joker.

Hey, uh, I'm supposed to tag you out?

Oh, thank f*cking Satan!

This guy was just crying

over a ladybug he k*lled when he was six.

Staedtler, we have to go.

Reagan? I deserve this.

I stole gum when I was four.

I coveted my neighbor's Sega Genesis.

I'm the one who told Kanye about politics.

You don't belong here. You're a great guy.

I'm the screw-up.

I liked you so much

that I invited you on this insane trip

just to ask if you would be my boyfriend.

Why didn't you just ask me in the closet?

I was insecure and I

I thought you'd say no.

I definitely understand

if you don't want to date now, but I

I can't let you rot down here.

I never said I didn't want to date you.

I just assumed

you wouldn't want to date me.

You're a brilliant scientist

and I'm just a guy who's too f*cked up

by the things I do for work

to sleep at night.

That's why I like you.

[grunts]

[Reagan grunts]

You're the only one

who really sees through it all.

So, I don't know,

maybe after we get out of here,

when we stop that evil pope,

we could be f*cked up together?

[gentle music plays]

But premarital sex is so sinful.

Uh-huh.

And so hot.

This is my crotch to bear.

[both laugh]

- [man screams]

- [creature roars]

[grunting]

[laughs] Just another Tuesday

for a m*llitary man!

First of all, Glenn, it's Thursday.

We only got tortured in the first place

thanks to your veteran d*ck-swinging.

[Myc] Eat my ass, GI Jackoff!

Why won't anyone respect me?

Not so easy, is it, General?

Now you know how the TSA feels.

[sighs] I do respect your patriotism

and love of pointless rules.

I can't make you

an official branch of the m*llitary,

but I can give you these.

Thank you, General.

In fact, I think there's still time

for your squad to make that flight.

- Rome, here we come!

- Rome, baby!

[Myc] Untie us, assholes!

Shame! Shame! Shame!

Also guilt?

Oh, Dio mio!

[dramatic music plays]

[Ron laughs]

You know, I think there's

something to this Biz-Leasure thing.

Ready to undamn Rome from hell?

[upbeat music plays]

It makes my heart skip a b*at

When you reach for me to hold ♪

Someone come to rescue me

Have mercy on my soul ♪

'Cause I want ya ♪

And I need ya ♪

Do anything to please ya

Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

Can I call you baby? ♪

The pope should chill out again

in a few hours.

[tranquil music plays]

Abortions! Get your abortions here!

Ron, this day has been amazing.

Should we do something

impulsive and romantic?

Really? You mean

By the power vested in me by me,

I now pronounce you two very good boys.

You may now share a plate of spaghetti,

which is Italian dog-romance custom.

So I'm not just a boyfriend.

I'm like a wedding date boyfriend.

Yeah. It's always good

to have someone at a wedding to

[both] Talk sh*t about everybody there.

I think Jesus looks cut in his loincloth

and I can't tell if that's a sin or not!

[jaunty music plays]

Keep the weird European change.

I'm gonna Instagram myself

holding up that leaning tower.

[laughs] I bet no one's ever done that!

I'm gonna find an organ grinder

with a monkey!

I don't care what you do.

I'm just glad we are finally

[camera shutter clicks]

We're gonna have to cover all this up,

aren't we?

g*dd*mn it!

[upbeat Italian music plays]