01x01 - Chapter One: Good to Ho

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Santa Clauses". Aired: November 16, 2022 - present.*
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Scott Calvin is on the brink of his 65th birthday and realizing that he can't be Santa forever; Scott sets out to find a suitable replacement Santa while preparing his family for a new adventure in a life south of the pole.
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01x01 - Chapter One: Good to Ho

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[sleigh bells jingling]

[Scott] Woo-hoo!

Ho! Ho! Ho!

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh, hey! ♪

Look, I know it sucks to be working
on Christmas Eve.

But, listen, if our delivery system
was working, we wouldn't have to.

So, who can tell me
what our Christmas market share is?

- Six percent.
- Oof.

What's that % that says "other"?

[executive] We don't know.

[Scott] Woo-hoo!

Come on! Full throttle, boys.
Come on, Comet. Get after it.

Let's go. We gotta be a blur. Hyah!

I need help with the tree!
Santa's gonna be here soon.

Santa. Isn't that cute?

All right, everybody.
Go be with your families.

[executive] I have no...

Now, we are gonna have a look-see
at what you've done, but then bed.

- [rumbling on rooftop]
- [clattering]


Come on, honey.

- [keypad beeps]
- [door unlocks]

Come on. Come on.

Some kids at school think Santa's over.

They say he still uses paper mail
and only delivers once a year.

Well, honey, the older kids
are always gonna say Santa's not real.

I didn't say he's not real.
I said he was over.

Wait, is he not real?

Oh, God. Your mother was
so much better at this stuff.

I think it's safe to go back out.

- [keypad beeps]
- [door unlocks]


Grace, you did this all by yourself?

[footsteps on rooftop]

How'd you get the bow on top of the tree?

- [sleigh bells jingling]
- [sleigh departing]

- [Scott laughs]
- [reindeer grunting]

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Ooh! How about we buzz
the Statue of Liberty, Santa?

Great idea, Noel. But first, cruller me!

- Hyah!
- [reindeer grunting]


- Yes! [laughs]
- [laughs]

[Noel] Delightful!

[Scott] Yeah, that's good!

Boss is in a playful mood.

It's gonna be one of those nights.
I bet you he doesn't finish on time.

I'll take that bet, Crouton.

[chairs squeak]

[both babbling]

No shenanigans in the control center.

Sorry, boss, but elves gotta elf.

[laughs] Yeah, they do!

Very well. Status report, Crouton.

Santa's way slower than usual,
but somehow they're ahead of schedule.

How is that possible?

Wait, is this the whole list?

This can't be the whole list.
This is getting shorter every year.

What's going on?

Hold on.

[wind whooshes]

What are we doing here?
This house isn't on the list.

That's gotta be some sort of mistake.

This is always one of my favorite stops.


I think the milk's a little sour.

It's soy milk.

You said you were lactose intolerant.

I did say that, didn't I?

Thanks for remembering. Go to sleep.

[whispers] Merry Christmas, Sara.

Merry Christmas, Santa.

You know what?

I'm gonna find out why
this house isn't on the list.

So, we're just doing home invasions now?

Come on. It's all good.
Listen, it's better than good.

It's santastic.

Never gets old.

This actually tickles a little bit.



- [screaming]
- Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You scared me.

Calm down. No, no, no.
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

No, no, no.
I'm here to see Sara, your daughter.

- She'll vouch for me.
- I'm Sara!

Oh, oh. Stop. Stop. What am I thinking?

A blink of an eye and, what,
years go by.

At least I look the same. [chuckles]

Who are you?

I'm Santa Claus.

Lactose intolerant. You gave me soy milk.

- Listen to me, you wacko, okay?
- Oh.

Santa's not real,
and I have run out of things to throw,

so I'm gonna ask you really,
really nicely to please leave.

I understand.
Adults lose their belief in magic.

It just grows out of them.

But how do you not remember me?

I don't remember much, man.

I'm an adult woman living with my parents.

I mean, my life is one endless, blurry,
long day broken up by Judge Judys.

Wow. Of all the kids in the world,

I would never imagine
that you'd stop believing.

- Okay...
- Hmm.

...let's pretend you are Santa.

I mean, why are you even here?

I get all my presents online,

and to tell you the truth,
I forgot tonight was Christmas Eve.

Well, that's too bad 'cause
then you're probably not gonna want this.


Oh, my God. I haven't thought of Polly
since I was a little girl.


My mom got rid of her 'cause I threw her
a pool party in the toilet.

It was a Polly Pocket potty party.

Oh, my God. It is you.

Merry Christmas, Sara.

Merry Christmas, Santa.

I'll... I'll let you do your thing.

Thank you.

[whispers] The heck is happening? Come on.

[grunts, sighs]

Noel. Noel. Need a little help. Noel!

Kind of jiggle the lock to get it open.

[echoing] Santa?

Best friend? You there?

Santa? Hello?

- All right. [yelps]
- [gasps]

- Noel, take a breath. Breathe. Breathe!
- [exhales]

- All right, look. We gotta go.
- [panting]

- [clattering in distance]
- [gasps]

Milk and cookies.


Are you okay?

Who said that?

Hey, Mom.

Cal, what did we say
about playing these games?

You get all carried away

and can't tell the difference
between fantasy and reality.

Yes, I'm real!

Okay, okay, okay.

[stammers] But is that real?

Lewis, I made popcorn.

- Oh. Hey, Mom.
- Oh, hey.

Lewis and I were watching
a movie about Santa.

We can't believe how much they get wrong.

I'm sure.

You kids should really be in bed.

You know, your dad loves to see you
when he gets back from his rounds.

But the best part of Christmas
is over by then.

I know, and he wishes he could be here.

But he has to be there...

For all the children of the world.


Okay, bed. Both of you.

I'm sorry, Lewis.

I guess we'll have
to finish movie night another time.

[Lewis whines]

[train whistle bl*ws]

- [Scott] Wow, years.
- [reindeer grunting]

Twenty-eight years, wow. Twenty-eight...

Why do you keep mumbling, " years"?

Twenty-eight years, that's how long
I've been doing this, you know?

Where does the time go?

I believe it flies, doesn't it?

And all those kids turned into adults,
you know? They stopped believing...

- [alarm beeps]
- [screams]

[gasps] Oh, holy night!
The magic reserves are running low.

No, they're not.
The gauge is old. It doesn't even work.

It's made out of candy or something.
Couldn't get better than tonight!

- This is a good night. We are cruising.
- Why are you talking weird like that?

It's not weird when I talk like this.
It's only weird when I talk like this.

Wait just a taffy-licking minute.

How did you get back
on the roof of that house

when I was looking down the chimney
the whole time?

Come on, Noel.
A good Santa never gives up his secrets.

[reindeer grunting]

[Scott] Blitzen, get back here.

Okay. All right. Calm down.

Why... Why do you smell like taffy?

Why do you smell like despair?

Is that an odor? Despair?

What is going on?

Uh... [sighs]


Okay, you can't tell anybody,

but my magic may have failed me tonight.
It's no big deal.

- We're , feet in the air...
- Almost eleven-five.

...being pulled by flying livestock...

They hate being called livestock.

...that depend on magic.

- That's, in fact, true.
- No big deal?

- Whoa! Boys, come on! Pull it up!
- [reindeer grunt]

Crouton, we have a problem!

Come on, guys!


- [choir harmonizing]
- [theme playing]


[harmonizing continues]

["Jingle Bells" plays]

- [Noel] Whoa!
- [alarm beeping]

[Scott] Boys, come on! Pull it up!


What did you do?
This has your fingerprints all over it.


My fingers are covered with chocolate.
You did something wrong.

I have never done anything wrong, ever.
My record is flawless.

less flaw can still mean some flaw!

[head elf] Noel? Santa?

Santa, Santa, do you copy?


You better let the missus know.

Sandra, this, uh... [stammers]
...furry friends thing.

It's, um, getting out of hand.

Well, what choice do I have?

There's no kids my age around here,

and sometimes
I just need someone to talk to.

But they don't talk back.
[chuckles] Do they?

No, Mom. They're... They're animals.

I'm not crazy. I'm just lonely sometimes.

I know it isn't easy living
in the North Pole.

Yeah. But I'm doing fine.

I mean, you should be the one
that's complaining.

Why? I'm fine. I'm... I'm... I'm happy.

Of course you are
because being cheery is your whole deal.

My whole deal?

I mean,
you ever look up past Mrs. Clauses?

It's an old lady who knits and bakes.

I mean,
she doesn't even have a first name.

That's not true. I have a first name.

- No, you don't.
- I do.

- It's, um... It's Nancy.
- No...

- Nanta.
- That's not a name.


Is that what you want us to call you?


[elves clamoring]

What's going on, Betty?
My husband's sleigh is missing?

Well, not exactly.

His sleigh came back,
but Santa doesn't appear to be in it.

How is that possible?

Oh, no! It happened again.

But then, where's the new Santa?

Please let it be Harry Styles.
Please, please, please, please.

- Fooled ya! [laughs]
- [elves cheering]

[Scott] Yes.

Good one, big man!

I wasn't nervous at all... [wretches]

Somebody get some hay on that.

Listen, I want to congratulate everybody
on another great Christmas.

We did it, right?

You know, I don't say this enough,
but being Santa has meant the world to me.

Once a year, I get to spread joy and magic
to people everywhere,

but I couldn't do it without all of you.

Especially you two,
Joy and Magic. [laughs]

But this Santa is nothing
without his elves.

Tell ya that.

Which means you've all earned
a huge vacation!

[elves groan]

Or we could go down to the shop
and start making toys!

- [elves cheering]
- [elf] Yeah! Yeah!

Let's get this party started!

["Elves Just Wanna Have Fun" playing]

We wake up to sugar and spice ♪

♪ No place in the world
Is as cozy or nice ♪

What happened out there tonight, sir?

It went great. Right, Noel?
It went fine. Noel?

Noel? Ugh.

Very good. I guess
all the malfunctions were on our side.

- You're darn tootin'.
- We'll get it fixed,

and I'll make a note in my report
that everyone else was acting weird.

You do that.


Santa's back and Christmas is done ♪

- You scared me.
- [chuckles] I scared you?

- Seriously?
- [groans]

Oh, elves just wanna have fun ♪

Oh, toys and candy and fun ♪

- [elves giggling]
- [song ends]

[Scott] Honey, you really did scare me.

[Carol] Yeah?
They told me your sleigh was missing.

Well, you can't believe
everything you hear, can ya?

[laughs] I'm sorry, Santa.

Are you saying that the elves were lying?

[elves gasping]

Elves don't lie.

What do you take us for? Gnomes?

[sighs] Can we talk about this later?

- Okay.
- I'm gonna take a little nap.

Then we're gonna have
our belated Christmas.

You and I will have a nice talk
after the kids pass out under the tree.

They're not little kids anymore.
They don't pass out under the tree.


[Scott sighs]

So, are you gonna tell me
what happened on your rounds?

- It's actually a little embarrassing.
- Hey, you know you can tell me anything.

Well, you know,
we're sliding into vortexes,

you know,
jumping in and out of dimensions.

It was pretty normal, you know?

Actually, it wasn't normal at all.
It was different out there.

Okay, what was different?

The world is different, honey.
It's people.

You know? It's like they're misfiring.
They're disconnected.

It was fine.

It was fine. Then my magic failed.

- Oh.
- [slurps]

Wow. Okay.

- Well, that happens.
- Mm-hmm.

It happens? How many Santas
do you know? It never happened to me.

- No, I'm just saying that you're ...
- Yeah.

...and that this is when people your age,
they slow down,

they start to enjoy their lives,
they retire, they...

Oh! [laughs] Retire?



You don't retire in this business.

Apparently, what you do is,
you get startled,

you slip off a roof into a snowbank,
hand a card to some stranger.

♪ Jingle bells
Santa fell ♪

Now he's gone away ♪

Oh, Scott.

Speaking of, do you happen to know
if there was a Mrs. Claus before me?

Say that again?

When you scared the last Santa to death,

and you took over his job,

did he, in fact, have a wife?


I... You know, I don't know.

You never bothered to ask?

He wasn't in a talkative mood.

He'd fallen off the roof
into a pile of snow.

No final words?
No, "Tell Myrtle I love her"?

Ha. Her name is Myrtle?

No. And do you know why?

Because Mrs. Claus
doesn't have a first name.

I don't have a first name.

It's Carol.

At least, you know,
that's what I call you.

Wait a minute. Maybe your name isn't Carol

because sometimes I call you
and you don't answer me.

Carol was my before name.

Is this going to become a thing?

No, you asking me to marry you
and then gaining pounds was a thing.

This is much bigger.

Yes. Tell you what.

Why don't I start us a f*re, huh?

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh!


Not again. Not again.

This is... Look at this...
It did... It didn't, um...

Did you just attempt to escape
up the chimney to flee this conversation?

No. Yeah, I...


- No?
- No, I was doing...

Gonna... When I...
Well, we could see it that way.

Yeah, yeah. That's what I was doing.


Well, I'm giving you the worst news
a Santa Claus can get.

- Oh, no.
- You've lost weight.

Oh, no!

I knew it. I knew it.
That's why I'm feeling so sluggish.

And my belly's not moving like it used to
when I laugh.

It's not a belly full of jelly anymore.

You are down to only three chins.

And sometimes when I bend over,
I'm starting to be able to see my feet.

Wait a minute, Doc. Doc.

Am I dying?

- No. No, no, no.
- [sighs]

- But I am alarmed.
- Yeah?

Is there anything else going on
that I should know about?

Uh, you know... Well, no. No.
Mm-mmm. I don't think so. No.

Okay, so everything's great
with, let's say, uh, your magic?

All right.

Who dropped a dime on me?

Mrs. Claus? Noel?

That was all said in confidence.
And, uh... And none of it was true.

- Okay.
- Change of subject.

Hypothetical. Just a hypothetical,
'cause we're both science people.

What would it take to make Santa
less than a Santa?

What would have to happen?
I mean, just hypothetically.

Uh... Okay. Well, in... in theory,
a loss of magic would be caused

by all the children not believing in
or needing Santa anymore.

But it's probably just physical.

And if this continues, then yes,
you're gonna look ripped.

That's awfully close to body-shaming.

- Sorry.
- I've got to get out of shape.

Instead of "Eye of the Tiger,"
the "Eye of the Kringle."

- ["Eye of the Tiger" playing]
- [laughs]

Ho ho ho!

Good luck!

[blender whirs]

Rising up, back on the street ♪

- [sighs]
- Hey. What you doing?

Working out.

Now you made me move.
I got to start all over again.

Ha. You wanna go for a hike?

Do you not want me to be Santa?

Jaden Grimes, Lakeland, Florida.

[laughs] Football.

Spot on, Santa.

- Next.
- That's what he asked for.

♪ Don't lose your grip
On the dreams of the past ♪

[panting] Isn't this great?

Yep. It'd be a better workout
if I had some stuffing.

[elves giggle]

- Otto Broghammer. Düsseldorf, Germany.
- Oh.

- Otto wanted a snake.
- Toy snake. Aces, Santa.

He wrote down "toy,"
but you know what he wanted?

A real one.
Just wouldn't tell his parents.

[snake hisses]


Yeah, boys love those live snakes.

I... Boy. Oh, boy. Hey, get up.
It's all right. It's okay. Open up.


- Well, you've lost ten more pounds.
- [song fades out]

I knew it. You know what I got now?

I've got abs.
It's terrifying the elves. Abs!

You know, I've got the body
of an MMA fighter, not an M&M eater.

And how does this even happen?

I haven't done anything for ten months.

I haven't even been building toys.

Well, that should be a delightful surprise
for all the children.

The elves are still building toys.

It's just me not there.
I usually like to get my hands dirty.

And how's the Christmas spirit?

Fine. Except saying, "Merry Christmas
to all" has suddenly become problematic.

Okay, how about we check your magic?

- All right.
- Let's go ahead and stick your hands out,

- and then touch your nose.
- All right.

Is that good? How is that?

Yep. All right.

All right. You're cleared to fly.

Just let me know
if there are any more issues.


Are we forgetting something?

Best part of the checkup. [chuckles]


The only reason to go to the doctor.

- [chewing]
- That's a good sign.

- Can I have another?
- Yes. Absolutely.

[laughs, chews] Mmm.

And here we have Patti Donovan,

accused of stomping, yelling,
throwing brussels sprouts.

Naughty or nice?

I always knew there was something
behind that smile of hers. Naughty.


What is it, Edie?

Well, I know it's not my place,
but some might say labeling her as naughty

just for temper tantrums is brat-shaming.

- [scoffs] Some might say.
- [elves murmur]

Okay, fine. Change it to nice.
Let's go nice.

[elves murmur]

[screen beeps]

Tyler Wilson, disruptive in the classroom.

- Naughty.
- [Edie] Mmm.

Sorry, Santa, but that's classic ADHD.

You're k*lling me here, Edie.

And actually, sir, we're not supposed
to say naughty anymore.

It's the misunderstood list,
and they also get gifts.

What's the point of this anymore?

Sir, you love these confabs.

I used to love it.

Is there some way I can delegate this
to somebody else?

Ooh. That's exciting.

How about all girls are nice
and all boys are naughty?

Just like how all cats are girls
and all dogs are boys.

Literally a couple of seconds ago,

you said we weren't allowed
to say naughty or nice.

Well, that was before I felt the power.

See, sir? This is why we can't delegate.

We are days away from Christmas.

[elves clamoring]

[Scott] Sorry, sorry, sorry.

[chair squeaking]

So, you're probably closer to Santa
than anyone else.

Could you say that one more time but
slower, louder and into my tape recorder?


I've been thinking about Santa,
and do you think he's still got it?

That's the golly-darndest question
anyone's ever asked.

He's Santa!

Yes, and we all love him.

But we've seen what happens
when Santas lose their zest for the job.

They get crankier.

Crankiness is part of his charm.

- They stop caring.
- I don't care for this conversation.

- And accidents happen.
- Na, na, na, na, na, na, na.


- There's something in the air.
- [gasps] Like bubbles?

I love bubbles.

Letters to Santa are down.

Children hold the spirit of Christmas
in their hearts.

If kids don't believe as much anymore,
the magic fades.

I think Santa's feeling it,

and if it affects his job,
it could be the end of Christmas.


And what do you think happens to us?
To elves?

What? What?

Christmas is our purpose.

If it goes away, I don't know,
maybe we go away.

[gasps] Na, na, na, na, na, na, na!

I need you to report
any signs of Santa faltering.

But, Honeybuns...


At home, I'm Honeybuns.

At work, I'm your boss.

[Scott] Okay, here you go.
Gloves and all that. Yeah. Thanks.

- [Cal] Dad.
- Yeah?

I wanted to give you your present before
you left, but it hasn't come yet, so...

You ordered me something online?

In case you haven't noticed, we have
a workshop right here at the North Pole.

He may not have noticed.

No, the workshop here is just too loud,

and you know the elves make lousy tech
'cause they just get nutmeg in everything.

But your gift is gonna blow you away,
if it comes.

- You know how you love roller coasters?
- No.

Now you can ride them
without ever leaving your couch.

You know me so well, Cal.


Well, Dad,
I got you a present you can open now.

Oh. Well, isn't that nice?

What do we got here?

So it's a list of Christmas tree lots
that put deer in cages

that they try to pass off as reindeer.

I put bolt cutters in your sleigh
so you can set them free.

We can't set deer free in big cities.

Hipsters just put fedoras on them,
honey, but thank you so much.

Well, maybe you can bring them back to me.

Well, the Christmas rounds are all about
giving, not receiving, sweetheart.

Can I come with you?

Okay, you know what?

Let's talk about this next year, Sandra.
Let's give your old dad a break.

Is the word "old" really necessary?

Okay, let's give your not-so-old dad
a big hug, yeah?

- I love you guys.
- Yeah. Love you back.

I really do wish I could spend this time
with you guys.

It's okay, Dad. We understand.


Hey, be careful.

I have a bad feeling about tonight.

You have a bad feeling? Wow. [chuckles]

Maybe Mrs. Claus's first name is Bummer.

You're right. Drive fast, be careless.

[both laugh]

- Love you.
- I love you.

[Scott] Okay, everybody.

Okay, babes.

And to all, a good night.


What do you say we air this thing out?
To the Holly Jolly Highway!


- ["Pop Muzik" playing]
- [Scott] New York.

[Noel] London.

[Scott] Paris.

[Noel] Munich.

Everybody talk about pop muzik ♪

[song continues]

- Hyah!
- Okay.

For our first stop, it's...

Wait. No. Not this year.


All right.
That just gives us more time to...


He's not on here either.


- [reindeer groaning]
- Whoa! Blitzen, come on. We're good.

We're fi... We're fine. We're fine.

Ah. Here we go. Myrin Fischer.

- All right.
- [rumbling]

Get down there. Let's go.

[song ends]

[reindeer grunting]

Oh, man.

No! [whistles] Comet, uh-uh!

- Do you want me to go with you?
- No, you just want a snickerdoodle.

And no, I don't need you to go with me.
I got this. Watch.

See? [chuckles]

It's all good.

[reporter] Tonight, we welcome
Simon Choksi, the CEO of EverythingNow!

- Oh, soot!
- You know, here at News,

- we like to cut right to the chase.
- I need a cookie.

I need a cookie. I need a cookie.
Where are the cookies?

Simon, your EN- was supposed
to be the Christmas gift of the year...

- They're right here usually. Cookie.
- [toilet flushes]

...but you have failed to deliver,
quite literally. True?

[Scott] Still up?

We said that the EN-
would arrive by Christmas.

We just didn't say which Christmas.

I told you a joke was a bad idea, Hassan.

Look, I crushed it in the toy
and video game business, right?

But yes, when we expanded
to e-commerce, we had a few...

- Catastrophes.
- Hiccups. Come on.

Well, some say you tried
to grow too big too fast.

Well, like Molière said, you know,
"Don't hate the player, hate the game."


Darn it, Hassan! That didn't work either.

Look, bottom line,
I'll be honest with you.

will deliver everything now!

Or in four to six weeks, all right?

So, what do you say to all your customers
whose stockings will be empty tomorrow?

Do something, do something.

[Simon] Come on.
We can't all be Santa Claus.

- [electricity crackles]
- [yelps]

[executive screams]

Hey, thanks for bailing me out, man.

That was a stress nightmare come to life.

[loudly] Did you say something, sir?

I can't hear anything over the loud buzz.

Hassan, are you seeing this?

[sleigh bells jingling]

I only see giant black dots.

It's rather unsettling.

Where'd he go?

Who, me? Am I invisible now?

I mean, I've always felt not seen.

There's no way that was real.

But if it is, why can't we do the same?

[Noel] It's a beautiful night.

[Scott] Yeah, I guess so.

Hey, let me ask you a question.

Do you think folks are having
less children or are kids just, um...

Are kids just what?

Ah, never mind, never mind. Huh.

[gasps] Hey, Santa! You wanna
loop the loop the St. Louis Arch?

Nah, we got a lot of work to do.
Let's just get this over with.

[whips reins]

Get it over with?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa!

All right.

Are you okay, Santa?

[Scott sighs]

The truth is, I've been letting the world
affect my Christmas spirit.

I know I haven't been as fun
as I used to be.

Are you kidding?
Any time with you is the best time, Santa.


Right back at you, Noel.

You know what?
I'm not gonna let this affect me.

Almost, almost, almost, almost.

Oh, no. Something's happening again.

Why? What...

[Noel] Santa?

- Best friend? Are you okay?
- I can't even touch my nose.

- What's happening?
- Oh, no.

- Santa!
- Whoa, whoa!

- Your sack. What's going on?
- Whoa. Whoa.

- I...
- Santa!

- [screams]
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

- [grunts]
- [Noel screams]

- [panting]
- [reindeer grunting]
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