02x04 - Morticia Meets Royalty

[bunniefuu]

(FINGERS SNAPPING RHYTHMICALLY)

♪ They're creepy
and they're kooky

♪ Mysterious and spooky

♪ They're altogether ooky

♪ The Addams family
♪ The house is a museum

♪ When people come to see 'em

♪ They really are a scream

♪ The Addams family

MAN: Neat.

Sweet.

Petite.

♪ So get a witch's shawl on

♪ A broomstick you can crawl on

♪ We're gonna pay a call on

♪ The Addams family ♪

(GRANDFATHER MOOSE
CLOCK CREAKING)

Uncle Fester.

Lurch, I hope you don't mind
my using your harpsichord.

It helps me in my composing.

How does it sound?

I say, Lurch, how does it sound?

(GROANING)

How can I concentrate with
Gomez tuning the harpsichord?

Uncle Fester,
he's not tuning it.

He's composing on it.

That's composing?

What does it seem like?

Well, it seems like composing,

but it sounds like tuning.

What are you composing, Gomez?

A sonata for three hands.

Three hands?

It'll give Lurch a chance
to play duets with Thing.

Oh, that's very
creative, darling.

(ALARM SOUNDING)

Mail's in.

Thank you, Thing.

The seal has a coat of arms.

The only seal I ever
saw had a coat of fur.

Could be from
Princess Millicent.

Ah, yes.

Oh, she's arriving
for an extended visit.

I thought princesses
only lived in castles.

Princess Millicent is in
reality Gomez's Aunt Millie,

from Marshy Bottom, Iowa.

Oh, then the coat of arms
and the title is a fake, huh?

No, Aunt Millie picked
those up years ago

when she married a
Prince Von Schlepp.

Sounds glamorous.

MORTICIA: Not really.

Von Schlepp was a prince,
but he was also a pauper.

Ah, the poor man.

That's usually what a pauper is.

He squandered Aunt Millie's
money on foolish investments.

And when he d*ed, all
she had left was the title

and a trunk full of
worthless oil stock.

She's been living on
her relatives ever since.

Poor thing. Clothed
only in a coat of arms.

Checkmate.

I've always wanted to
meet your Aunt Millicent.

She's certainly welcome here.

Bravo, querida.

Spoken like a true Addams.

Thank you, darling.

And what's more, we must be
especially nice to your Aunt...

To Princess Millicent.

She must never feel like a
poor relation in this house.

Cara.

In that case, we should
give her the royal chamber.

Royal chamber?

Yeah, the one with
the king-size bed.

Charming.

Ah, Your Highness.

The other hand.

(COUGHS)

Uncle Fester,
what are you doing?

I was practicing to
greet the Princess.

That's ridiculous.

She may have married a prince,

but she's still Aunt
Millie from Iowa.

(GROWLING)

3:00.

My watches say 4:00.

That makes it exactly 2:30.

The princess should
be here any minute.

(FOGHORN SOUNDING)

The princess.

To the garage.

Well, well, if it
isn't Aunt Millie.

It isn't.

It's Princess Millicent.

Oh, of course. Well,
how are you, Princess?

You may call me "Your Highness."

It's a good thing I practiced.

Querida.

This is my lovely wife Morticia.

Welcome, Your Highness.

And this is our Uncle Fester.

Guess this one's on me.

My luggage is
outside. You may rise.

Easy for you to say.

Fester, you'd better help
Lurch with the princess' bags.

Yes.

It's not what I'm accustomed to.

But I suppose it's
better than a hotel.

You'll love your chamber.

It has a beautiful view.

On a clear day you can
see all the way to the swamp.

But, of course, who
wants a clear day?

Would you like for me to help
you unpack, Your Highness?

It's not necessary.

I'm traveling
very light this trip.

Besides, my
handmaiden will help me.

Handmaiden?

(SOFT BALLAD MUSIC PLAYING)

Handmaiden.

Allow me to present
Lady Fingers.

How do you do, Lady Fingers?

She seems very lovely.

Comes from a fine family.

Her father used
to be my footman.

And now I think I'll
retire to my chambers.

Lurch will show
you where they are.

I thought she said
she was traveling light.

She is.

Lurch and Uncle Fester
are traveling heavy.

I'm so glad she's here, though.

And with Lady Fingers.

I think she's just the companion

that Thing has been
longing for lately.

He's right, she's left.
The perfect match.

We'll see.

Thing.

My, aren't they the shy ones!

PRINCESS MILLICENT:
Lady Fingers, where are you?

I need you up here at once.

Oh, he missed his chance.

Don't worry, he'll have others.

He's handy that way.

PRINCESS MILLICENT:
It's about time you showed up.

When I give a command, I
want it obeyed immediately.

(SIGHS)

I do hope Lady Fingers won't
pick up slothful ways around here.

Oh, no. How did you
find your chamber?

The bed is as hard as nails.

Knew you'd like it.

And where on earth did
you get those black drapes?

I really had to shop for them.

Ghastly.

When she brought Lady Fingers,
I thought she was a true Addams.

Obviously, there's
something wrong with her.

Well, the poor dear
has suffered so,

what with her husband dying.

Worse than that, he went broke.

I do hope she stays,
for Thing's sake.

But she's accustomed to castles.

Yes, she does live
in a dream world.

There must be some way
we can make her feel at home.

We couldn't convert
this place into a castle.

The ceilings are too low.

We can do everything else.

You mean...

You're reading my
mind, aren't you, bubele?

Tish, that name.

Darling, control yourself.

Royalty now, bubele later.

Very well, but later you'll
have to call me Sir Bubele.

Gomez, darling, do hurry.

The princess should
be down any moment.

Oh, darling, you do
make a dashing cavalier.

Not such a bad
lady-in-waiting yourself.

I wonder what's keeping her.

Patience, my dear.

A lady-in-waiting
must learn to wait.

Ah, here she is.

(CLOTH RIPPING)

What's wrong with him?

Too big for his britches.

That's quite obvious.

He left without being dismissed.

You may go.

Well, I can see this household
will need a lot of training.

And now I wish
to be entertained.

Do you hear? I wish
to be entertained.

Uncle Fester.

Coming.

A-ha! Fester the Jester.

What will it be, Your Highness?

Sick jokes? Elephant joke?

Limerick.

"There was a young
man from Dakota..."

(CLEARS THROAT)

No limericks, huh?

How about stupid jokes?
They're my specialty.

See, this one stupe says to
another, "Did you take a bath?"

And the other one
says, "Is one missing?"

You may retire permanently.

Yes, Your Highness.

Mama, I understand you and
the princess have had a spat.

That woman is driving me batty.

The only thing she'll let me
serve is Chicken a la King.

Well, that's the
royalty business.

Besides, Chicken a
la King's rather tasty.

Without the feathers?

Oh, some people
have the dullest tastes.

Here you are, Lurch.

Now please try
not to bow so low.

This is the third time
I've had to mend them.

Must I... Well, Lurch,
maybe the princess

will let you wear a
suit of armor instead.

Those things wear like iron.

(GROANING)

(LURCH PLAYING HARPSICHORD)

(SNORING)

I'm so glad we kept
up with our minuet.

It's so appropriate now.

Let them eat cake.

In the dungeon.

Off with their heads.

Isn't that sweet?

She's dreaming of
the good old days.

I give up.

(SHUSHING)

I want her to hear me.

On account of her, I've been
up nights studying old joke books,

learning card tricks,
even old bird calls.

I just heard you do a vulture,
Fester. You were terrific.

That wasn't me.

That was Her Highness, snoring.

(SNORING)

Nobody seems to be
enjoying the princess' visit.

Except those two.

(LURCH PLAYING ROMANTIC MUSIC)

They finally got together.

Let's leave them alone.

Can I kiss your hand, Madame?

Oh, dear Lurch, he's
such an incurable romantic.

Just leave the bags here.
I'll send for them later.

Leaving us, Your Highness?
Is something wrong?

Everything is wrong.

He won't bow anymore.

And he doesn't amuse me.

And this morning, I found
a sign on my door saying,

"Princess, go home."

I'm moving to a hotel,
and don't try to stop me.

I said don't try to stop me.

I wouldn't dream of it.

One moment, Your Highness.

This whole house is subversive.

To the hotel.

We're free, Lurch.
We're liberated.

Well, smile, Lurch, smile.

(GRUNTS)

Gomez, darling, Mama tells
me the princess is leaving.

Better than that, she's
left. She's gone to a hotel.

And you let her? Dear,
you know she can't afford it.

Oh, yes, she can.

Oil discovered in the desert?

Remember all those worthless
oil stocks I told you Aunt Millie had?

They're not worthless anymore.

Aunt Millie can not only afford to
live in a hotel, she can afford to buy it.

Hey, maybe we
ought to get her back.

Oil's well that ends well.

"Oil's well." Get
it? That's a joke.

(GRUNTING)

You don't have to
joke anymore, Fester.

You're no longer a court jester.

And you, Lurch, you can
get back into long pants.

We are going back to normal.

Oh, wonderful.

The Addams family
is a democracy again.

Exactly. From now on, I
give the orders around here.

Gomez. But nobody
has to obey them.

I'm sure glad I don't
have to be funny anymore.

We all are, dear.

(EXCLAIMS)

I just finished my
sonata for three hands.

(GONG RESOUNDING)

You rang?

Lurch, how would you
like to play this with Thing?

(GROANING)

Can't wait to get at it, eh?

Thing?

Thing, are you there?

Oh, Thing, Mr. Addams has finished
his sonata for three hands and with...

Thing? Thing, what is it? Thing?

Something seems to be
wrong with him. Darling.

His pulse is rather sluggish. We better
contact the jungle and get Dr. Mbogo.

Oh, you know how those
jungle witch doctors are, Gomez.

They just won't
make house calls.

I don't think he
needs a doctor, dear.

You mean he's beyond help?

You don't think he's sick?

Lovesick. Of course.

It was written all
over his cuticles.

I'd never have dreamt
he'd take it that hard.

There's only one thing to do.

We have to get
Lady Fingers back.

But to do that, we
must also bring back...

Oh, no.

(GROANING)

We must make the
sacrifice for Thing's sake.

I'll have to start
telling jokes again.

(GROANING)

Buck up, Lurch.

As Mrs. Addams says, we must all
make the sacrifice for Thing's sake.

We must think Thing.

(EXCLAIMS)

Welcome, Your Highness.

BOTH: We greet Your Highness.

Well, that's much better.

You see, even the pages
have turned over a new leaf.

Children, you may go.

Allow me to assist
you, Your Highness.

Lurch, come and bow
for Princess Millicent.

Is he gonna be able to make it?

Oh, yes.

Mama let out the
seat of his trousers

with a couple of
accordion pleats.

Accordion pleats?

(ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYING)

Musical pants.

You see how glad we are to
have you back, Your Highness?

Naturally. Now
that I'm rich again,

you're all playing
a different tune.

Especially Lurch.

Lurch, please show Her
Highness to her chambers.

Yes, Mrs. Addams.

Have you got it, darling?

Right here, cara mia.

(KNUCKLES POPPING)

Did you hear his knuckles pop?

True love.

Did you see that?

She certainly has aged.

That couldn't be Lady Fingers.

Maybe that's what she
looks like without makeup.

Nonsense.

I'm going to ask the
princess what this is all about.

(ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYING)

She must be coming. I
can hear Lurch bowing.

Oh, Princess, what
happened to Lady Fingers?

After I left here, she just moped
and drooped all over the place.

You fired her?

Well, I'm certainly not
going to have a handmaiden

who just sits around
twiddling her thumb.

This is ridiculous.

The whole idea was to get
Lady Fingers back for Thing.

Now we're stuck
with the princess

and a claw who's old
enough to be Thing's mother.

Lurch keeps bowing so much,
his pants have to be retuned.

(PRINCESS MILLICENT EXCLAIMING)

What is it, Princess?

One of my bracelets is missing.

Maybe you miscounted.
It was stolen.

And I know who stole it. Thing.

Oh, no. Don't contradict me.

And I insist he be
searched immediately.

(GASPS)

Just as I thought, he's gone.

(ECHOING) Thing? Thing?

She's right, he's gone.

(GONG RESOUNDING)

You rang?

Lurch, Thing is missing.
Do you know where he went?

Of course he doesn't
know. Call the police.

MORTICIA: Oh, must we?

GOMEZ: Let's not be
hasty, Your Highness.

I feel there's some
explanation for the whole affair.

Gomez, darling, your wallet.

My wallet? It's gone.

Good thing I carry
my money in my sock.

No, no, darling.

Oh, dear. She's
locked herself in.

Querida.

(GRUNTING)

My wallet.

My bracelet.

My joke book.

My silverware.

Well, that seems to be all.

Then the old claw
took it on the lam.

Esmeralda, a thief!

And an old hand at it, too.

Oh, if Thing were here,
I'd apologize to him.

Thing! Where have you been?

Lady Fingers!

Of course.

Thing went to find
the woman he loved.

I hope you'll come back to me.

Oh, thank you.

We'll take a trip
around the world.

But, Princess, you'd be
separating her from Thing.

They can get married, and Thing
can come along and work for me.

How about it, Thing?

By george, he's
going to wait for her.

An engagement ring.

You've really taken to
that accordion, Morticia.

Well, ever since our little
incidents with the princess,

I've grown a little
accustomed to the sound.

You've become rather
royalty-conscious yourself, darling.

Well, this outfit sort of makes
me feel a bit more courtly.

It does have a
certain je ne sais quoi.

Tish, that's French.

Morticia, querida,
where are you?

Darling, please,
not in that suit.

Oh, yes, yes. You're right.

(ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYING)

(SIGHING) That music
is pretty exciting, too.

Darling, I didn't play that.

That was Lurch, wasn't it?

He's really learned
how to play those pants.