09x01 & 09x02 - Escape Room/The Special One

[bunniefuu]

Two, please, for
Escape from the Mummy's Tomb.

Oh, I'm afraid
there's a minimum group size

- of four people.
- Oh, no.

- Our girlfriends canceled.
- Oh, yeah, that sucks.

Well, you got ten minutes
to make our next session.

Where are we gonna find
two people in ten minutes?

And they've got
to be really smart

and good at solving puzzles.

Hmm, there's got to be somebody.

Yeah, that kicks ass. Yeah.

Okay, so this
is the four of you?

- Yes.
- You guys are smart, right?

Uh, yeah.

That's why you asked us
to join you, m'ladies.

Smart.

Okay, now, remember,
if you can work together

to find the clues
and solve the puzzles,

then you might be able to
escape from the mummy's tomb.

It's down the hall to your left.

We do take payment
in advance, please.

Uh, we'll just go ahead
while you ladies pay.

But afterwards, we'll
split it four ways, right?

Yeah, baby.

Did you hear that, Beavis?
They want to have a four-way.

Whoa, really?

That's right.

We got to escape
from the mummy's tomb,

and then they'll see
how smart we are,

and then we will score.

Uh, he said left, right?

Right, yeah, yeah,
that's right, yeah.

Right.

Uh, okay.

Huh.

So this is the mummy's tomb.

Whoa, amazing.

It looks just like a bathroom.

Hmm, interesting.

This mummy is trickier
than I thought.

Butt-Head, it won't open.
We're trapped.

Of course we are, dumb-ass.

That's why they call it
an escape room.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, let's look for clues.

Exactly, Beavis.

We will solve the escape room,

and then we will solve the
greatest mystery of them all...

Scoring.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

- Hi, everyone.
- My name is Mary Katherine and...

My name is Mary Katherine.

And this is my college
decision reaction video.

- And...
- I know my college decision.

No.

Yeah, no way.

Absolutely not.

Let's watch something else,
Butt-Head.

What's going on?

This is scary.

Oh, fight.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's putting her
in a choke hold.

She's got a choke hold.

Yeah, elbow her in the ribs,
come on.

Come on, grab her arm.
Come on.

- You can get out of this.
- Teach her a lesson.

Make sure she never
gets into Harvard again.

I don't know
how you get into Harvard

if you can't even
kick your own mom's ass.

Come on, come on.

Her face is wide open.
Come on.

Looks like the mom
is gonna win this one.

There will come a day

when you will defeat me,
Mary Katherine,

but today is not that day.

Ah, ah!

- Oh, my God.
- Oh.

Uh...

Butt-Head,
I think I found a clue.

Check it out.
There's words.

- Hmm, words.
- Let's see.

Jason... eats...

balls.

Jason eats balls.

- Hmm.
- Huh.

- But what does it mean?
- Who is Jason?

Why does he eat balls?
Whose balls does he eat?

Ah, the mummy's balls?

Perhaps.

Yeah, this is hard.

Maybe we should ask those girls.

Beavis, those girls
weren't even smart enough

to figure out how to get
in the escape room.

They're gonna think
we're geniuses when we get out.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, maybe they'll be
dumb enough to score with us.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, my God, are they still
in the bathroom?

They're weird.

They must be
in tech or something.

Hey, is it okay if
Kyle and Brad join your group?

Okay, sure.

This mummy forgot to, like,
leave clues or something.

Whoa, Butt-Head, look.

I found a clue.
Look, a turd.

Hmm, now we're getting
somewhere, Beavis.

- Finally, a real clue.
- Yeah.

Now, why would someone
put a turd in a toilet?

- Hmm.
- It just doesn't make sense.

Wait a minute.
Maybe someone took a dump.

- Damn it, Beavis, shut up.
- I'm thinking.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah. Sorry.

Beavis, you mean well,
but you're a dumb-ass.

I have figured it out.

That turd can mean
only one thing.

This mummy is disgusting.

Check it out, Beavis,
another clue.

- So what do we do with it?
- Elementary, my dear dumb-ass.

And now
I shall solve the puzzle.

- Open.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Open, you son of a bitch.

I think it's working.

Damn it.

Give me my clue back, butthole.

- Cut it out, Butt-Head.
- Come on, let go.

Whoa, Butt-Head, you did it.

I'm smart.

Yeah, yeah. You're probably
gonna score, too.

About to escape, yeah.

We didn't escape, Butt-Head.

Uh, damn it.

Yeah, and this tomb
is even harder.

There's no urinals.

And what are these things?

Hmm, no human alive
knows what these are.

We must put them in the toilet.

Oh, yeah.

How to make tattoo ink
in prison.

A soda can, some toilet tissue,

some hair grease,
and a saltine crackers box.

Fold the tissue up and...

Whoa, this guy
is definitely a criminal.

That's what it should look like.

What accent is this?

Take your hair grease
and fill up...

It's like a prison accent.

I want to talk like that.

Got some toilet tissue,

saltine cr*cker box.

Tear off three sheets
of toilet tissue.

Twist it very tight.

Twist it up real tight.

Light your candle
and set your box

over top of it
to collect all the soot.

- Set your box over top of it.
- Set the box on two pencils...

Set it on two pencils,
so it can breathe.

After about an hour,
you can see all the soot...

After about an hour,
you can see all the soot

that's caught inside the box.

Scrape it into a pile.

This, like,
makes me want to go to jail.

Add a tiny bit of
hand sanitizer or body wash.

What did this guy do
to get in prison, I wonder?

He didn't have to do anything.

They just let him right in.

Yeah, they just looked
at him and were like,

"Sir, I can tell by
looking at you

"that you're gonna be
in jail eventually,

so let's just get this
over with."

Only a drop or two of water.

This is, like,
a pretty nice prison

he's in here, you know?

No, he's back at his mom's.

Yeah, his mom's gonna be like,

"Damn it, did
you take my saltine cr*cker box

and use it
for your tattoo again?"

"Damn it, boy,

"you ain't never gonna
eat chicken

"in this house again you don't
give me back

my saltine cr*cker box."

"What am I gonna do
if I k*ll your daddy

"and have to tattoo
a teardrop next to my eye?

How am I gonna do that
without soot?"

Every tattoo I have is that ink,

and they're,
like, ten years old.

Um, Butt-Head, I dressed up
like a mummy like you said,

and I still can't
find any clues.

Uh, who cares about clues?

Let's flush this stuff
down the toilet.

Yeah, if we're gonna be
stuck in here,

we might as well
do something cool.

Yeah.

Congratulations, by the way.

That's the fastest anyone's
solved the mummy's tomb.

What the hell?

Let's stick the plunger
in the sink.

Yeah, flooding is cool.

- Oh, my God.
- What the hell?

Who would do something
like that?

Check it out, Beavis, it worked.

Yeah, we're geniuses.

- We escaped.
- Yeah, this is cool.

Damn it,
where are those girls going?

Uh, I guess we scared them off

with our genius-ing
or something.

They just couldn't handle it.

Oh, well...

I've been waiting to
go to the bathroom for hours.

Um, where's the bathroom?

Yeah, it's down the hall
to the right.

Here we go.

This bathroom is weird.

Yeah, I'm not gonna be
picky at this point.

Help me with the lid here,
Butt-Head.

Unbelievable.

Those two girls have no class.

What... Hey, hey,
what are you doing?

That's better.

- Stop, stop that!
- Stop that! Stop! Stop!

Hey, how's it going?

- Do you have any matches?
- No.

- How about a lighter?
- No.

Because it says
you have fire wings.

Get out of here, kid.

- Damn it.
- Fartknocker.

Huh, let's go have a look.

Whoa, fire!
Yeah, yeah!

Yeah, fire!
Fire!

Fire! Fire!

Hello, Beavis.

I have been waiting for you.

I am Fire.

- Whoa, yeah, fire!
- Yeah, yeah.

You, like... you kick ass.
Yeah.

I have great power, yes.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Wait a minute.

So, like... so you can talk?

I have always been able
to talk to you, Beavis.

Remember?

Beavis, it is I, Fire.

Look upon my fearful glory.

Fire.

Yeah, fire.

Um, Fire, do you remember
when I put an M-80

in Mr. Anderson's mailbox
and it started a big fire?

Yes, that was me.

Remember when I found
my first lighter

and it was, like, fire.
Yeah.

- I remember.
- I am Fire.

Have you ever been in a volcano?

I am in all the volcanoes.

And what about that forest fire?

- Yeah.
- That was a great day.

- Yeah, Smokey the Bear sucks.
- Yeah.

- It's not his fault.
- I k*lled his parents.

He's just trying
to mend the hole

in his heart that I put there.

You're cool, yeah.

Quite so.

And you, Beavis,

are my special one.

- Fire, fire!
- Fire.

Now, Beavis, listen to me.

I am going to command you,

and you will do
exactly as I say.

Yes, Fire, tell me what
to do, and I will obey, yeah.

Very good.

Now, Beavis, go to your school

and run four times
around the track.

That will be one mile.

Um, that's what
you want me to do?

Yes.

Okay,
I guess that's pretty cool.

Yeah, yeah.
I'm gonna run, yeah.

Now, be gone!

Fire, fire!

Yeah, fire.
Fire, yeah, fire.

Hey, Fire, I'm back.

Did you run
around the track four times,

completing a distance
of one mile?

- Yes, Fire, yes.
- I did as you command, yes.

Very good, my loyal servant.

So, Fire, um, why did you
command me to do that?

It was good exercise.

You needed it.

Well, I guess so.

I don't know.
I mean, if you say so.

Butt-Head
doesn't understand us, does he?

My special one,

what we have, what I am?

- No, he doesn't.
- Yeah, he sucks.

Yeah, let's burn him.
Yeah.

Hmm, perhaps, in good time,

but not today,

for I have for you
a second command.

Yes, command me.

Yeah, that first one
was just a warm-up. Yeah.

Look around you, Beavis.

The streets of the city
are crawling with filth,

but you and I know
what to do about filth,

don't we, Beavis?

- Yes! Yeah!
- Yeah, fire!

I command you

to pick up all of the
plastic bottles in this alley

and put them in the recycling

and then the same
for the surrounding streets!

Really? Um, you command me
to do that?

- Obey me!
- Okay, okay. Yeah.

Yeah, fire. Okay.

Get this here.

Get one of these.

No, not the regular trash!

- The blue one!
- Okay, okay.

Beavis, here's a
little something

for you from Cale Dodds.

Yeah, this is country,
I can tell, yeah.

I can tell because he said
"down a two lane."

And there's, like, a story.

I think that's the guy
who makes "Family Guy."

I didn't know he was
a country singer, too, yeah.

Whoa, he's trying to score
at breakfast.

Yeah, and didn't work, yeah.

Well, you know, there's always
lunch and dinner.

Uh, okay, he's like,
"Okay, I can handle this."

Uh, hello, I'm country star
Cale Dodds.

I used to be a loser like you.

Uh, I mean, not like you,
exactly.

Yeah, you know what I mean,
um, I was in a band.

All the chicks liked me
and all that, you know.

I was nothing like you.

You're a loser.

He's like, you see,
your problem is this sweater.

Yeah, just get rid
of the sweater,

and that chick'll come
right over here

and get it on with you right
in the middle of Applebee's.

Uh, this is like
all those movies

where, like,
the good-looking cool guy

teaches the dork how to score,

and he, like, trains him.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

He's grooming him.

He's like, you know,
now that I paid for your meal,

why don't you come back
to my place

and try on some clothes for me?

Yeah.

He's gonna wind up
in a shallow grave.

They told us about these kind
of guys in health class.

All the warning signs
were there.

They may come across
as friendly at first.

They might even sing you
a country song.

But beware.

They might buy your breakfast,

but that breakfast isn't free.

Here's what happened
to a young man

who went home with Cale Dodds.

So, like, does this video mean

that if you change your shirt,
you'll score with chicks?

Yeah, that's ridiculous!

Because I have the coolest shirt

you could possibly have,
and I still don't score.

Uh, the only way he can score

is to go to a club
and sit around

and wait for a girl to trip
and fall over.

Yeah, maybe I should try that.

As soon as the director
says "cut,"

that hot girl's gonna
leave the dork

and go score with Cale Dodds.

And then the dork
is gonna go home alone,

put on a new shirt,
and spank his monkey.

Now that's a country song.

Um, okay, Fire, um,
so I picked up all the bottles.

- Very good.
- Very good indeed.

- Yeah, I guess it was fine.
- I don't know.

Beavis, are you ready
to obey my next command?

Yes, Fire, yes!

And something cool
this time maybe. Yeah.

I think you'll find this
very cool.

You could say
I was just getting warmed up.

Now, listen closely

to what you shall do.

- Yeah!
- I'm listening closely. Yeah.

You will go
and read "Call of the Wild"

and write
a two-page report on it.

Um, what?

Now do my bidding.

Use topic sentences!

Um, Fire, um, why are you
making me do this stuff?

You are my special one, Beavis.

Uh-huh.

And it's about time
you applied yourself.

It's one thing to screw
around in middle school,

but you are almost at the point
where it counts for colleges.

Oh, boy.

Now go

before I make it five pages!

Um, just wait here
a second. Yeah.

Um, did you know there's a fire
in the garbage back there?

Again?

Yeah, there it is.

What?

No, Beavis, no.
Stop him, Beavis.

The pain!
I'm being extinguished!

Punish him that dare...

Oh, please.

It doesn't have to be
two pages...

just three paragraphs.

Remember the M-80s.

So cold.

Thanks, kid.

And there was
so much left to burn.

Farewell, my special one.

That fire sucked.

Whoa, cool.

Yeah, fire!

Fire. Fire, fire!

Chirp.