02x05 - Games, Trains and Automobiles

[bunniefuu]

♪ ("TREAD CAREFULLY" BY SZA PLAYING) ♪

- Have a good night.
- You too.

- ♪ You wonderin' why I ♪
- ♪ Why I ♪

♪ Don't come around like I used to ♪

♪ Play around like I used to... ♪

(CHUCKLES) It's amazing.
That was so crazy.

♪ Different set of urgencies now... ♪

- Have a good night.
- You too.

♪ Can't let it be you in my way, so I ♪

♪ Tread carefully, no bra
Tread carefully, no panties... ♪

- (GIGGLES) Have a good night.
- You too.

(CONCERT AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

♪ Regret comin' over here
Why you comin' over here? ♪

- We can't.
- I know.

♪ You know what you're doin' ♪

♪ I can't front, I want you
Bad as you want me... ♪

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

♪ Really want you
Bad as you want me too ♪

♪ I want you bad as you want me
And I bet it's good... ♪

- We can't.
- I know.

♪ You know what you're doin' ♪

♪ How do you feel
Fighting your feelings? ♪

- Our clothes stay on.
- Deal.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

At least my clothes stayed on?

♪ Gotta get my head right... ♪

I need some time to think.

GOSSIP GIRL: Oh, followers.

It was Shakespeare
who famously declared,

"Politics makes strange bedfellows."

Turns out that in Manhattan,
the same goes for the personal.

♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪

Good morning.

I haven't seen you sleep that hard

since the night after Max's bar mitzvah.

You were out late again last night?

My skin is thread count-deprived

from being on the Upper West Side.

Finally!

I started watching Bake Off
while waiting for you to get up

and I already hit the Showstopper.

- I could do breakfast.
- Ordered it.

Hope you're in the mood for
rose croissants from Ladurée.

Has anyone seen my phone?

AUDREY HOPE: Yeah, I had to
put it on Do Not Disturb

because you kept getting
text messages all night

from this person named "G."

- It was like...
- My... my grandpa.

He just learned how to text,
and so he keeps sending me emojis.

- Oh.
- (CELLPHONE RINGING)

Oh! Looks like breakfast is here!

- Postmates does FaceTime now?
- (SCOFFS) Who needs Postmates?

Hey babe, we're out front.

(GRUNTS SOFTLY)

Hey. How are you doing?

Well, I'm a little discombobulated
between sleeping here and Shan's

and ignoring all my dad's phone calls,

but I just don't think I'm ready
to talk to him yet.

As someone who could host
a masterclass on dad issues,

whatever you're feeling is valid.

If you're angry, or maybe it's something

you can't even label yet,

it's okay to take some space.

(SIGHS) Yeah. You coming?

Yes, just give me a second.

♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

GOSSIP GIRL:
So when you find that stress

is stacking up, just remember,

it's important to have someone
that you can talk to.

My favorite year was when Max
ate sh*t coming off the lift.

(CHUCKLES) He slid ten feet, face down.

- He looked like the IKEA monkey.
- I am proud to say

that my strengths lie off the slopes.

I bring the favors to the party,

enough for us
to après like it's the X Games.

Wait, are you guys going somewhere?

- Boys' trip.
- Boys' trip.

Every spring break,
a group of Constance boys

takes over the Lauder compound
in Aspen for a weekend.

It's as dated
and debaucherous as it sounds.

- MAX WOLFE: Mm-hmm.
- Um, is Obie joining?

Yes, it took some convincing.

He's still pretty f*cked up
about that twin thing.

MAX: You know what? Nothing some, uh,

fresh powder can't fix.

Honestly, I'm just happy
to get out of that house.

You know, ever since
Dad and Pops reconciled,

I have to announce myself
before entering rooms.

You know, there are some things
one can never unsee.

Okay, Keeks wants to know

if she should do cashmere
or cable knit for her IG debut?

Oh, whatever makes her most comfortable.

"Stop the Story" is all about
dropping the pretense

of artificial online presence.

Okay, so no cashmere.

HEIDI BERGMANN:
Americans and their not-milks.

God! You really are one of them.

Oh, don't worry, she's not here.

She doesn't wanna see you either.

She's basing herself out of Southampton.

She just sent me here
to grab some files.

Did anybody feel like letting me know

that you guys are in the country?

(LAUGHS) Since when do you care
about what our family does?

I mean, you certainly
don't care what you do to us.

Oh, she knows about this, too.

(LAUGHS) Everybody does.

No wonder she doesn't wanna call.

♪ (PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

GOSSIP GIRL: And for those
that think your problems

can be avoided, be warned.

That which you resist, persists.

- Oh, it's you.
- You buzzed me in, remember?

Right. Sorry. I didn't get much sleep.

Yeah, stress does that.

Like the kind that comes
from knowing your boyfriend

is on a mission to find out
your secret identity!

As long as Mike doesn't know
I know, we have the upper hand.

JORDAN GLASSBERG: He has a partner.

For all we know,
they have the upper hand on us.

Burton taught us that
if anyone's pulling the strings

around here, it's the parents,
which only makes sense.

Those texts mentioned a wire transfer

from an overseas bank.

Deep pockets and foreign ties?

That's like... percent
of Constance parents,

a hundred percent
of which probably want us dead.

We need to find out
who he's working with fast,

- or we're doomed.
- It's a half-day today, right?

Yeah.

Does all this make the sex better?

- (GROANS)
- JORDAN: Oh, your coffee.

♪ (UPBEAT SONG PLAYING) ♪

You may remember a photo of me
in this gorgeous dress

that went viral last December
for all the wrong reasons.

I figured it was time
to "Stop the Story"

and reveal how it really felt
to be inside it.

I'm joined with that dress's designer,

Katherine Hope, because I made
her a part of my story

- without her permission.
- Thank you.

I was really hurt.

This was not a finished product.

And I augmented it
without even telling you.

Well, a lot of clients do that.

It was more that it was a first draft.

I didn't get to fit it on you.
But I forgive you,

because I understood
where you were coming from.

I made some really bad decisions
in my life based on fear,

and I'm not even talking
about my mental health issues.

I just have been selfish

in trying to avoid some pretty
hard truths about my life.

Would you mind stopping your story
to discuss some of those?

Um...

Sure. I'm talking about the time...

when I realized that there were
three people in my marriage.

(CHUCKLES) Me, and my husband,
and my assistant.

And that can work really well
for some people,

but it just wasn't our agreement.

And I worked really hard
to turn a blind eye

because I didn't wanna lose
either one of them.

And then I ended up losing them both.

Losing everything, or almost everything.

Why don't we pause here? (CHUCKLES)

I'm sorry. Did I mess it up?

No. No, no, no, you were perfect.

- We just have to go to school.
- Okay.

(CELLPHONE CHIMES)

♪ (SONG FADES) ♪

(STUDENTS CHATTERING)

What kind of snacks you want
for the train? Chex Mix? Pocky?

- Keto meat sticks?
- I don't eat on the subway.

Subway? Bish, we going to Philly!

And why are we going to Philly?

Because there's a dirty, filthy rave

in a warehouse in North Philly.

And guess who's gonna be attending?

(GASPS) The ' s,
when raves were a thing.

- Terrell.
- Wait, are... Are you two...

No! He's gonna be there for you.

What happened with me was a mistake.

He didn't even know you were
his real admirer.

And what better place to tell him

than a dark, sweaty warehouse?

Okay. I... Maybe we just take
my first unsupervised weekend

- a little quieter?
- Uh...

(GASPS) There's a night exhibit
at the Whitney

that we can go see.
I don't have a curfew.

Are you ? What are you talking about?

- Oh, you're gonna love it.
- The Whitney? Girl!

(CELLPHONE CHIMES)

(JULIEN CALLOWAY LAUGHS)

You're not still talking
to that married guy, are you?

(SCOFFS) No. Course not.

Z! Shopping after half-day?

Yeah, I'm free.

Shan, I'm sorry... I'm not gonna
go to Philly with you!

The cars will be here after school.

Meet up at the tables?

Look, don't worry, Obie. Okay?

Look, Aspen's altitude will make
all Grace-related problems miniscule.

Look, I'm not... I'm...

I'm fine.

Hey, Jules. Jules!

If you want me to feel bad
about Valentine's, I do.

I don't. I just wanna say thank you.

For blowing up your relationship?

No. For showing me
what was wrong with it.

Very wrong with it.

But I did find
a new painful distraction.

Apparently, my family's
New Year's resolution

is to pretend that I no longer exist.

- I'm sure that's not true.
- Julien, my mother has been

in Southampton for weeks,
and I just found out.

She's avoiding me.

Remember when we tried to sneak
some of her brandy

and you accidentally broke her
Lalique decanter

that Steve Wynn gave her?

Yeah, and she pretended not to notice

and then iced me out for a week
until I admitted to it.

- Hmm.
- OBIE BERGMANN: Yeah.

- Maybe admit what you did?
- What did I do?

(CHUCKLES) You rebelled.
They distanced themselves

and instead of just having
a hard conversation,

you tried to smooth things over
by dating someone they'd approve of.

Wow. You're good at this.

I've been examining myself.
A byproduct being that I can see

into other people too, apparently.

Just talk to her.

Say you're sorry
for this year's decanter,

and she'll let it go. She always does.

(CELLPHONE RINGING)

Now, to take my own advice.

- Good luck.
- You too.

- I'm still mad.
- NICK LOTT: You have every right to be.

But it's been a few days,
and Zoya's not picking up my calls.

I'm taking care of her.

I appreciate that, but she's .

And I need to know that she's okay.

She's fine. You just
lost her trust. Both of ours.

I know. I hate what I did.

And I've regretted it ever since.

I just wish I had
an opportunity to tell her that.

Maybe you can.
This might be a bad idea, but...

- (SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
- (STUDENTS CHATTERING)

T-minus four and a half hours
till the hot tub.

Well, I just agreed
to a night ski when we get in.

- Hmm?
- Save me a jet?

- Well, there's always my lap.
- (CHUCKLES)

MAX: Oh, Audrey, um, yeah,
we never discussed this.

Aki and I, can we...

Of course. You don't have to ask me.

Thanks, babe.

We'll send pics if it happens.

The Aspen annual is hardly
a hotbed of sexual activity.

Thirty straight guys in one chalet,

- most of which snore or smell.
- All of which aren't you.

Thanks, babes. I trust you both. Bye.

Where's Obie?

♪ (MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

- (WHISPERING) Because he's in there.
- Okay.

(TYPING)

(WHISPERS) Go! Go! Go!

(EXHALES, WHISPERS)
Are you sure you can do this?

I'm the computer science teacher!

See? He uses the password
admin gave him.

(SHUSHES)

Now, let's see if he linked
his messaging app.

(KEYBOARD CLACKING)

(SPOON CLINKING)

Uh, what are you doing?

- I just wanted to...
- Break into my computer?

- (SCOFFS)
- ♪ (MUSIC STOPS) ♪

- So now you're ambushing me?
- This isn't an ambush.

He just wants to talk.

Stop your own story, Julien.
Let me live mine.

Don't blame her.
She hasn't forgiven me yet, either.

I don't care. I guess
I can't trust either of you.

- Please, just come home?
- It's not home. Not anymore.

- Don't be like that, Z.
- You know what's funny?

Your dad has always been bad,

but mine only started lying
in proximity to yours.

I guess being deceitful
runs in the family.

Jesus, Z!

I'm done talking.
To both of you. Let's go.

I'm in. What time is that train again?

She didn't mean it.
You're not your father.

You're not a liar.

(SIGHS)

(TYPING)

Okay, fine. You caught me.

I was digging because...

because I think
you might be Gossip Girl.

Uh... What... Why would you think that?

When we first met,
you were looking into the headmistress.

You're always talking
about "outing corruption."

It sounds an awful lot like...

I am not Gossip Girl.

Prove it.

- You prove it.
- Prove what?

That you're not her. Show me your phone.

(SCOFFS)

MIKE SHUBIN:
Open your Instagram. Come on.

- You open yours!
- I asked you first.

♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

Dude, the cars are leaving.

Guys, I'm not coming.

(GROANS) Look, you cannot let
a little bit of twincest

- derail your life.
- Okay.

Please never say that again.
All right? It's my mom.

Look, I've been putting
this sh*t off for a long time

and I need to prioritize it.

Go, you're gonna miss your flight.

No, because it's not gonna be
a guys' trip

if the three of us aren't together.

And you shouldn't have to face
Helena alone.

You know what?
Who gives a f*ck about the snow

when we have your mom's spa?

Is there room for two more
in that chopper?

(CHUCKLES) All right, all right,
all right. Let's go.

- Hi, Harris. Can I help you?
- Just here to offer my applause

for letting your boyfriends
go away together.

I'm sure hastening
the inevitable is hard,

- but so smart.
- Hastening what now?

Them leaving you by the side of the road

like every throuple ever has done?

One always drops eventually.
And since everyone knows

there's no such thing as bisexuality,

the one dropping single here is you.

Don't you think that's a wildly
politically incorrect way of thinking?

Girl, no. Bisexuality just got
a good publicist

during the pandemi.

Who do you think came up
with "bisexual lighting"?

Aki's one great d*ck away
from dedicated.

Mark my words, you'll be solo by Sunday.

(BLOWS KISS)

♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

KATE KELLER: Fine. I'll show you mine

if you show me yours at the same time.

- MIKE: Okay. Deal. On three.
- (CELLPHONES CHIME)

GOSSIP GIRL: Spotted.
Kids leaving schools

all over the city.

Wonder what they...
they'll get up to, I wonder?

How could I be Gossip Girl
and post without touching my phone?

Yeah.

That shows you I'm not her, either.

(CELLPHONE CAMERA CLICKS)

Now that means I can finally
tell you my secret.

- I'm looking for her.
- You are? Why?

I'm being blackmailed.

Wanna tell me about it over lunch?

HELENA BERGMANN: A moment. Otto?

- Otto, is that you?
- Hello, Mama.

Hello. What are you doing here?

You know, Heidi said that you
guys were in town, and I just...

missed you a little bit.

HELENA: Hmm.

So I hope it's okay that we came up.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. More than okay.

Why don't you take
your usual room upstairs, Akeno?

- Thanks.
- And you take Heidi's room

down here for nostalgia, Max?

(SNICKERS)

(CHUCKLES) Tea?

OBIE: Yeah.

Meet up in your room in ten minutes.

Alles gut?

I'll be waiting.

So, wanna tell me about this person?

- Who I can't name.
- And why is that?

During my sabbatical,
I asked to borrow money

from someone who I thought was a friend

for a project I wanted to do.

Gave them my bank info to wire me.

The next thing I know,
they took control of my account,

locked me out,
and threatened to do worse

unless I gave them
the identity of Gossip Girl.

- Oh.
- And apparently, I'm taking too long.

This is my mess.
I shouldn't have involved you.

No, it's okay, we'll figure this out.

- MIKE: No.
- How close have you gotten?

Well, I told my blackmailer
that I'd narrowed it down

to a couple students,
but honestly, I was vamping.

I mean, a kid couldn't have all
this access and free time. So...

I started to think it was a teacher.

- A teacher, really?
- MIKE: Yeah.

- No, that's...
- MIKE: Well...

I... to... to stoop so low,
to do that to kids?

Yeah, well, you know
how little we get paid.

- (KATE SIGHS)
- How little we're noticed...

- Yeah.
- ...thought of...

- Right.
- ...listened to?

Hell, if it didn't exist already,

- I could have started it myself.
- KATE: Mm-hmm. (GULPS)

Once I realized that,
it became much easier

to put some pieces together.

Do you know a Sharon Kleinberg
from Dalton?

A Tati Gardinier from Spence?

You okay? I'm gonna speak
with them tomorrow.

Sharon? (EXHALES SHARPLY)
I've never heard of them.

- Will you excuse me a moment?
- Yeah.

- ♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
- (PHONE RINGS)

Hi. Mike thinks GG is a teacher.
We have to move quickly.

Did that number amount to anything?

JORDAN: (OVER CELLPHONE)
It's registered to Munich.

- Obie's parents.
- JORDAN: It would make sense.

He sent us those tax returns
that I deleted, remember?

Maybe they found out?

Get Wendy to call Sharon and Tati.

Tell them whatever they do, stay
away from anyone named Shubin.

(EXHALES)

♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(ANNOUNCEMENT PLAYING OVER PA)

Maybe I should just tell my dad
where we're going.

You're off the teat for tonight, 'kay?

It's just, my dad and I
have always been a unit.

And when we came here, he was so worried

that I was gonna change
into something else, but...

actually, he's the one that did. Not me.

- Hmm.
- And he's always raised me

to conduct myself in this...
this certain manner,

but he's not. So why should I?

- You know what I mean?
- Tell me, baby, tell me.

And I've never just let go
and done something fun and reckless.

Then tonight is the night.

Come on.

ANNOUNCER: This is
the boarding call for Amtrak

Acela Express train...

- Wait, that's just orange juice.
- Duh.

Chaser first. Come on. Mm.

Shanbucha. (GIGGLES) My personal recipe.

One inch from every bottle in the house

plus some Sprite for taste.

(ANNOUNCEMENT PLAYING OVER PA)

- It's good sh*t.
- Yeah, that's good sh*t.

♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪

Schwarztee, from home. Dein favorit.

I wish you'd told me you were coming.

I know. (INHALES DEEPLY)

I know, and I'm... I'm sorry, I just...

I was worried that if you heard
I was on my way,

you might leave.

You know, I...

I know you're upset with me.
(EXHALES DEEPLY)

Disappointed, yeah. Hm.

And perhaps I have not handled
that the way I should.

(OBIE GRUNTS)

(SIGHS) I did not think
that not having you with us

over Weihnachten would be so difficult.

I know I am part to blame.

I've been here for weeks,
but I was going to come see you.

But you seemed so happy
with that young woman, so...

(OBIE CHUCKLING)

...seeing you happy,
I didn't want to interrupt that.

Yeah, well, that didn't turn out
well, did it? (CHUCKLES)

HELENA: Hmm. Americans love
to break boundaries.

They're so bored all the time.

Ugh. Not us, though. (LAUGHS)

We're never boring.

Just selfish, perhaps.

Self-centered,
is that what they call it here?

Mm.

I'm not the monster you think I am.

Well, I'm sorry that I make you think

that I think that sometimes.

Go freshen up.

Let's have a nice evening.
I'll make you käsespätzle.

Also, um, would you mind
letting Akeno know I'd like a word?

I haven't seen him
since the December dinner.

I'd like to thank him
for the list of the dokumentarfilms

- he recommended.
- I'll tell him.

♪ (CHILLED MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

AKI MENZIES: (OVER VOICEMAIL)
You've reached Aki.

- You know what to do.
- (VOICEMAIL BEEPS)

Still no answer. Do you think
it was right for me

to let Aki and Max have sex without me?

Why wouldn't it be? Haven't you
ever, just like, sat one out before?

Yeah, but that was before
Valentine's Day,

when Max and Aki ventured
into new territory.

Since then, they haven't been able

to keep their hands off of each other.

I've never felt like
Cuck-mille de Haan until now.

So that's what this is about?

What if them hooking up alone
without me makes them realize

they didn't need me in the first place?

If I'm acting crazy, just say it.

Not crazy. Just...

overthinking.

I need to make a call.
I'll see you up there.

♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪

Hey.

I wanted to meet to tell you in person
that we can't do this.

Spend time together?

- Have an affair.
- Are we having an affair?

Aren't we? I mean, weren't we?

I need to do better. Be better.
If not for me, for Z.

So... I guess this is goodbye?

♪ (GENTLE SONG PLAYING) ♪

AKI: (OVER VOICEMAIL)
You've reached Aki.

You know what to do.

- (CELLPHONE BEEPS)
- Aki...

You know we have rules
about Do Not Disturb.

You know I...
Sometimes I jump to conclusions,

but this type of thing makes me
wonder if...

(GASPS) Never mind. Love you, gotta go.

Gideon, what a nice surprise.

You should have been here this morning.

What did I miss?

She talked about the divorce. In public.

Keeks! It usually takes me
dinner and a show to get you there.

I just hope I wasn't too much.

No, it was just a lot I didn't know.

- Really? Like what?
- Like, how did you know

things were going south?

I mean, your father basically
stopped communicating with me.

He would send my calls
straight to voicemail,

took hours to return my texts.

Mm, yeah, we've all been there, darling.

There must have been something
more than that, right?

Like constant fights?
Long nights at the office?

No. (CHUCKLES) I genuinely
thought we were happy.

- I was pretty blindsided.
- Blindsided.

That is exactly the term
I would use to describe

Roy's confession. Just...
(GASPS) Totally blindsided.

Not "completely" completely, right?

I mean, you must have
sensed something was off?

Honestly? No. I mean...
But then, well, here we are,

and I'm getting fitted
for our vow renewal,

so I think it all worked out just fine.

- Aw, no, oh! (LAUGHS)
- (LAUGHS)

KIKI HOPE: Well, speaking as
someone it did not work out for,

there was one time
my spidey-senses went up.

- It was when your father and...
- Jessica.

...went to Milan
on a work trip, and I...

I knew what was happening.
And I should've stopped it.

GIDEON: No. Oh, nonsense.
In a relationship,

you either assume the best
of your partner

or you give in to this fear,
which will destroy you.

So what kind of person
would you want to be, honestly?

- KIKI: Yeah...
- ♪ (SONG FADES) ♪

- MAX: Took you look enough.
- Whoa!

Oh! Sorry. I thought you were Aki.

Yeah, clearly.

Dude, I think your mom
just asked me something

- she shouldn't have.
- What?

If I knew why you were really here.

Why I'm really here?
Oh, Jesus. All right.

She really doesn't trust me at all.

Well, I think you're the one
who shouldn't trust her.

♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

- HELENA: (IN GERMAN)
- _

_

_

_

_

_

- Ah, danke.
- (PHONE BEEPS)

(KEYPAD CLACKING)

Was I right?

Yeah. She hasn't changed at all.

(DOOR SHUTS)

- I think we're alone.
- Yeah. About that.

She isn't comfortable with this, is she?

Yeah, I think not.

And we should be good boyfriends, right?

- The best.
- (GROANS)

- ♪ (MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- Okay.

(KNOCKS)

Audrey? What...

No Aki or Max. No Aki or Max.
No Aki or Max. No Aki or Max.

So I called Phil, and guess what?

Aki, Max, and Obie are in the Hamptons.

They're f*cking each other, Julien.

- Obie, Aki, and Max?
- No, Aki and Max.

I thought you said they could.

Now they're gonna realize
they can do it without me.

They can.

Hi. Who are you? Is this your car?

Can you drive me to the Hamptons?
I can pay you for gas.

You can't just crash
their weekend, Audge.

I'm not going to.
I'm gonna surprise them,

so we can spend this weekend together.

Are you the married guy?

I'm Graham.

You getting in?

Where have you been hiding
this kind soul, Julien? Thank you.

Uh, you do not have to take her there.

Nothing else to do. And besides,

it means I get to spend
at least two more hours with you

before never seeing you ever again.

More like three, it's Friday afternoon.

Hey, can I get the aux?
I'll play my own music, thanks.

♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(KEYBOARD CLACKING)

- (IN GERMAN)
- _

_

_

Yeah.

_

_

_

_

Ah. Danke. Danke. Okay.

(EXHALES SHARPLY) Okay.

♪ ("THE FUNCTION" BY EURO TRASH
FEAT. SKY SKY PLAYING) ♪

(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

ZOYA: Hi. So sorry. So sorry. Okay.

Okay. There is no way
we're gonna get inside.

(SIGHS) Don't sweat it, babygirl.

When have I not had a hookup?

My girl Cory's uncle is a promoter.

We met at Stagedoor last summer.

- CORY: Sabrina!
- Cory!

- Sabrina! (SQUEALS) Come hither!
- (IN BRITISH ACCENT) My darling!

(BOTH SQUEALING)

I can't believe you came all
the way from Bristol for this!

(IN BRITISH ACCENT) Oh,
luv! I wouldn't miss it for the world.

- This is my brother, Drew.
- (SHAN CHUCKLES)

Ignore him. He's just pissed
he has to stay with me

since our dad's outta town.
Who's your friend?

(IN BRITISH ACCENT)
Oh, this is my mate. Monet.

(CHUCKLES) She's aces.
Truly. Reckless and fun.

- (LAUGHS)
- (CORY LAUGHS) Okay.

Yeah, I'm Monet de Haan.

Ooh, it's nice to meet you, girl!

Okay, they're with me.
They should be good.

Let's go! Whoo!

(IN BRITISH ACCENT) Oh, yeah.
Thank you, darling.

You sure you guys don't want
to be alone in here?

- No, we're good.
- MAX: We're fine.

Okay. (GROANS)

(BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY)

♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

You know what's highly underrated?

What?

- Modesty. You want some towels?
- Hell, yeah.

Beautiful, me too.

(OBIE EXHALES DEEPLY)

You know what?
I'm gonna get out of here.

- I gotta make a call real quick.
- AKI: You can't leave.

We're not even at optimal temp yet.

I mean, we don't really get
to, you know, hang out,

just us three, you know. Three kings.

The three musketeers. Three caballeros.

Okay, enough with the movie
titles, all right?

I'm gonna step out of here
and I'll see you guys later

for more awkwardness.

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

MAX: (EXHALES) This is bad.

Yeah, well, it is degrees,

and in a couple minutes,

we won't be able to think
about anything, right?

Well, we're both naked and sweating

and I can only think about one thing.

Well, we made a deal for Audrey.
Remember?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

I did remember my travel pharmacy.

Oh, that's great.

How about we both take an Ativan
to really dial down the libido?

- It could work.
- Absolutely.

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

GRAHAM SMITH: And so I guess
that pretty much sums up

how I proposed to Ashley.

- What a love story!
- Thank you, Audrey,

for that deep dive into
Graham's fairytale marriage.

Thank God we're here.

What can I say? I'm a romantic.

Hey, can you park here
and cut the lights?

I don't want Aki and Max
to see me. Thanks.

Audrey, do you really think
this is the best way

to build trust with Max and Aki?

You wanna talk about trust?

Coming from the girl
who's having an affair

- and lying to me about it?
- I'm not having an affair.

So you have not slept with him?

I was breaking up with him
when you found us.

I know you're upset with me,
but I'm just trying to be a good person

- and a good friend to you.
- Be one by keeping a lookout.

(SIGHS)

That number that Mike's
been texting is a burner.

So, dead end there.

I'm starting to think he's playing Kate

and this is all a wild gans chase.

It's German for "goose."

WENDY FINEMAN-WALSH: I got that.

- Also, why aren't you here?
- I told you, I'm very busy.

JORDAN: All right.
This is the address you gave me.

Are you sure this is right?

According to the faculty records.

I knew that sob story about
frozen accounts was bullshit.

He's loaded. I can't wait to tell Kate.

That Mike is handsome and rich?

- She'll be devastated.
- (DOORBELL RINGS)

Can I help you?

Yes, we... I'm a... A friend of Mike's.

Do you know him?

My name's J... Adam.
He asked me to come by

and pick up some papers
that need grading.

I'm his mother, Barb.

It's lovely to meet a friend of Mikey's.

Come in.
We'll get you whatever you need.

♪ (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

How are we ever going to find
Terrell here?

(IN BRITISH ACCENT) Keep calm
and carry on, luv. (LAUGHS)

Okay, are you gonna do that all night?

(IN BRITISH ACCENT)
We were taught at Stagedoor

to never break character.

- Think of me as Jeremy Strong.
- Luv! (CHUCKLES) Hey!

Okay, compliments of Uncle Reed.

Oh, she's not much of a drinker.

Are you kidding? Monet loves a cocktail.

CORY: M'kay. 'Kay.

(CLEARS THROAT)
Never break character, right?

(CHUCKLES) Well, let's party.

- (LAUGHS) Okay!
- Let's go. Let's go. (SCREAMS)

Whoo!

♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪

- I missed this place.
- It's beautiful.

And freezing.
Should we get back in the car?

We both know where that will lead.

You could have just texted me today.

- We didn't have to meet.
- I wanted to see you.

To break my heart?

No. Because I couldn't.

But after Audrey dragged out

all those stories
about you and Ashley...

Hmm. She's not very subtle, is she?

No.

But she is right.

No matter what there is between us,
I can't mess with your marriage.

I've lived through that.
My mom left when I was a baby,

and that has had a ripple effect
on my whole life.

Not that she's responsible
for what my dad did,

but maybe in his pain,

he let the darker side
of himself take over.

I don't know. I try not to make
excuses for him.

You two don't speak?

Why would I ever talk to him?

What? (CHUCKLES)

You're just...

not what I expected.

Look, there's something
I should probably tell you...

Hold that thought. I'll be right back.

♪ ("PUNK ROCK LOSER"
BY VIAGRA BOYS PLAYING) ♪

♪ When we met, you thought
That I could probably change ♪

♪ I warned you then, that baby ♪

♪ I don't seem insane But I f*cking am ♪

♪ And I'm rocking A little gold chain ♪

♪ That ain't real gold ♪

♪ I told you that it's f*cking fake ♪

♪ I spend my money elsewhere
On different things ♪

♪ That come In little plastic bags... ♪

- (KNOCKS)
- (GASPS)

What are you doing? You need to get...

- Go!
- Ugh!

- (WHISPERS) Seriously?
- (JULIEN SCOFFS)

♪ The same night ♪

♪ I ain't your average normal dude ♪

♪ It sure ain't glamorous
I keep things loose ♪

♪ I ain't your average... ♪

Care to explain?

♪ Yeah, I'm a savage
I'm really cool... ♪

Hey. Hey, hey, hey.

Have you seen Shan...
I... I mean Sabrina?

Uh... She and Cory took off
to the other party.

- They didn't tell you?
- Wait, she left?

It's just a couple blocks away.
I can take you if you want?

Or you can stay here. I'm sure
they'll come back eventually.

No, no, no. I...
I don't... I don't feel so good.

DREW: I can help with that.

- You want to get some fresh air?
- Mm-hmm.

♪ I don't go to parties
Where folks get dressed up ♪

♪ I go to the function ♪

♪ (MUSIC CUTS OFF) ♪

George will be right up.

JORDAN: So, Mike lives with you?

Well, he moved
into the basement apartment

when he got back from Minsk.

He was in Belarus?

For six months,
working on his documentary.

You said you were friends,
I thought you would know.

I do. I... I just thought
he finished it.

- (CHUCKLES) Finished it?
- (CHUCKLES)

I'll probably be dead by then.

- (JORDAN CHUCKLES)
- Talk about a labor of love.

We almost had to take out
a second mortgage

until he found that nice benefactor.

- What was their name again?
- Let me make us some tea.

JORDAN: Okay. Yeah, that sounds lovely.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

- (LAUGHS)
- (CELLPHONE BUZZES)

- I told you I'm very busy.
- JORDAN: I'm with Mike's parents

in what turns out to be their house.

He had to move in with them
because he is hard up for cash.

So I guess he wasn't lying
about being blackmailed.

Bet Kate likes that even more.

I think Mike's mom
might know the person who...

(CELLPHONE CLATTERS)

(PHONE BEEPS)

It's my mom. (EXCLAIMS)

Hope you like chamomile!

Who doesn't like chamomile, am I right?

- (BOTH MOANING)
- (CELLPHONE CHIMES)

Why are you stopping?

Oh, I wish I didn't have to,
but we have to go.

- Where? Now?
- Right away.

We're gonna catch Gossip Girl.

♪ (TENSE MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪

I don't care what you're doing here.

- You need to leave.
- (TELEPHONE RINGING)

JULIEN: Why are you breaking
into your own house?

Come here. Keep quiet.

- (OBIE SHUSHES)
- (TELEPHONE RINGING)

- (LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS)
- (TELEPHONE RINGING)

- (TELEPHONE BEEPS)
- Ja, hallo.

- DANIELA SOMMER: (IN GERMAN)
- _

_

DANIELA: _

_

DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR:
A challenger approaches...

Um, I... I don't think those,
uh, downers are working.

Uh. In fact,
for the last fifteen minutes,

I think it's doing the exact opposite.

Oh, my God. I thought it was just me.

Are you sure that was Ativan?

No. I think I f*cked up
and gave us Cialis.

But I didn't want to say
anything in case I was wrong.

It's starting to get painful.
And I read somewhere

that if it lasts for longer
than four hours,

you have to drain it with a needle.

No.

Can you just make sure it looks okay?

Yeah.

(BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY)

- DANIELA: (SPEAKING IN GERMAN)
- _

Whatever this is, it's a bad idea.

(SHUSHES) I need to hear this.

- (DOOR CREAKS)
- ♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

How does it look?

Exquisite. I think
you're gonna be okay, Ak.

(SIGHS) Thank God Audrey isn't here.

- Yeah.
- Thank God, indeed.

I'll leave you both to it.

- Julien, we're leaving!
- Wait!

HELENA: Julien?

- (SHUSHES)
- (GRUNTS)

AUDREY: Julien!

Julien, we're leaving. Let's go.

- Wait, Audrey! Just hold on.
- Wait, wait, Audrey, seriously!

Julien!

MAX: It's not what
it looks like, I swear.

- Ein moment, Daniela.
- (TELEPHONE BEEPS)

- AUDREY: Julien!
- (HELENA SIGHS)

- (SHUSHES)
- (JULIEN SIGHS)

Whatever it is you're doing, it's bad.

Yeah, I don't know
what you're doing here, Julien.

But I'm sure it's just as bad, okay?

Audrey! Audrey! Audrey! Wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

(LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS)

And the g*ng is all here.

♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC ENDS) ♪

I knew that once I started to get close,

Gossip Girl would feel the heat
and start digging into me.

So I set a trap. If I'm right,

and the account is run by teachers,

then they'll have access
to my personnel file.

The only place with my real address.

And, uh, what's at your real address?

My mother. Who, according
to the text she just sent me,

is, uh, having tea

with a mystery Constance teacher
called Adam.

- (CELLPHONE CHIMES)
- Hey, are you with me or not?

- Of course. I'm with you.
- Come on. Let's go.

What? (GASPS) Oh, I...

I have been teaching P.E. for...

years.

I think physical education
is the most important...

education.

(CELLPHONE BUZZES)

(CELLPHONE BUZZES)

MAX: Why won't you listen
to our explanation?

I don't need an explanation.
I just caught you on your knees.

- You said it was okay!
- And I thought it was!

But then I thought about it.

About how much
more you two have in common.

I'm the outlier. I'm not like you.

- We know.
- We don't want you to be like us.

You just did it
and you didn't even realize it.

What?

You speak as "we"
and I'm out here alone.

♪ ("TOMMY" BY CLAUD PLAYS) ♪

Or at least that's how it feels.

I mean, you guys get your
f*cking boys' trips. What do I get?

Audrey, are you serious?

Look, I watched my mom fall apart

when her two most important people

cut her out
and continued on without her.

How am I supposed to know
that's not gonna happen to me?

We would never do that to you.
I would never do that to you.

You just did it again.
It's either "I" or "we."

It's not "us."
It's not "all for all or none for none."

We're one, and one, and one.

In any relationship,
you can only guarantee

you're on the same page in the beginning

and after that, it's anyone's guess.

Look. There's no rules to
this thing, okay? We're just...

We're just making it up as we go along.

Yeah. So maybe we hang out in pairs,

so there's no pressure on the
three of us to show up equally?

Yeah. Or maybe we only hang out
when it is the three of us?

Or maybe we just talk more.

I mean, we hang out,
we have sex, but I don't...

I don't know where we are, you know?

Okay, then new rule. We check in
on each other once a week.

Sunday.

Fine. Sundays are great.
And then we talk. All of us.

About everything, even if it's hard.

Even if it's dark and scary. Promise?

Okay. Well, can I start?
Because I'm scared.

I want to make sure that we're okay.

Let's talk and see.

♪ Convinced we were Just friends ♪

♪ You said That he was flirting ♪

♪ I couldn't see it then... ♪

- Well?
- WAITRESS: Order number .

- Well...
- Oh, come on.

- (LAUGHS) Okay, it's amazing.
- DREW: (CHUCKLES) Told ya!

- Mm-hmm.
- You'll feel better in no time.

I once wrote a poem
about that exact cheesesteak.

I'm sorry, you wrote a poem?

- Oh, she's judgy. Got it.
- (LAUGHS) I'm sorry.

What else should I know
about Monet de Haan?

ZOYA: Um...

Did your sister ever text you back?

- Radio silence.
- Yeah, same with Shan... Sabrina.

Um... we should go find that party.

I know Cory. By the time
we get to that party,

she'll have already moved on
to the next one.

We could chase 'em
around Philly all night,

or I could read you some poems?

Does that usually work with girls?

It's my first time trying.

I'll let you know in five,

four, three, two...

♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪

Well, Otto... what do you have
to say for yourself?

What exactly do you think
you're doing this time?

I know about Jakarta.

All right? It was built improperly

and it's sinking, just like
the San Francisco building,

only at a faster rate.
And all these lawsuits?

I know that you and Daniela
are up to something.

She's the project manager, isn't she?

Verdammt nochmal, Otto!
Why can't you just leave us alone?

Is that what you want?

I wish I didn't.

Well, that's what I want, too.

Fine. You want out?

- Your wish is granted.
- Good.

Are you sure
you've thought this through?

We don't know what we're getting into.
It could be dangerous!

No more dangerous
than what happens to me

if I don't get Gossip Girl's name
by the end of the night.

Can we please just discuss this?

Mikey, you're home!
You just missed your friend.

MIKE: What? Wait, wh... where'd he go?

Uh, he got a text,
he said it was an emergency.

You tipped him off.

I've been with you this whole time.

Yeah, trying to slow me down. You're...

You've been working with Gossip Girl.

- Or you are her.
- Gossip what?

My thoughts exactly.

- I can't believe you, Mike.
- What?

I really thought we had something here.

- No.
- You clearly only care about yourself.

Wait... (GROANS)

It felt like we were back
in middle school.

(GRAHAM CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHS)

You must think my life is chaotic.

Believe me, I'm not one to judge.

In fact, there's something I wanted
to tell you about me and my wife.

I don't think
I can take another story about

how perfect she is
or what your first date was or...

We're separated.

Are you f*cking with me?

I didn't want to tell you
because I didn't want you

to think it had anything to do with you.

Which it doesn't.

And if I said it,
it would sound like I was lying.

Which I'm not.

We've both known for a while it's over.

It just took one of us
to say it out loud.

(JULIEN SIGHS)

Play me something.

Everything in my life
feels so out of control.

My dad, my sister, my best friend,

my ex, Gossip Girl, you.

Nothing feels safe.
Nothing feels... stable.

I just want one moment

where I can close my eyes and be present

without worrying about...

if it's real, or good, or right.

Just one.

♪ (CELLO PLAYING) ♪

♪ ("LULU WALTZ" BY TORLEIF
THEDÉEN & FOLKE GRASBECK PLAYING) ♪

♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

- Hey, good morning.
- Wassup?

Uh, sounds like your sister

and Sabrina got in
pretty late last night.

Maybe we should grab some breakfast?

I want to try that Wawa egg
sandwich from your haiku.

- (TOILET FLUSHING)
- Uh... I can't. I'm busy.

Oh, okay. Yeah, that's fine.

♪ ("WOLVES" BY HUNGRY FOR
THE RIFF RAFF PLAYING) ♪

- Maybe another time.
- Yeah, sure.

(GRUNTS) Do not accept
a drink called an AMF.

And definitely do not follow it
with the letters DMT.

Whew! (GRUNTS)

♪ Go away from here Darling... ♪

So, how was your night?

Nothing special.

Hey, let's get outta here.
No reason to stay.

Okay.

(ELEVATOR BELL CHIMES)

(SCANNER BEEPS)

♪ Go away... ♪

(PHONE RINGING)

LEWIS: Bergmann Property,
Lewis speaking.

Hi, Lewis, yeah.
It's... it's Obie Bergmann.

Uh, my... my keycard
does not seem to be working.

LEWIS: I've been informed
that you are no longer

permitted access to the building.

- Sorry, Mr. Bergmann.
- (PHONE BEEPS)

GOSSIP GIRL: It's time we had
a talk about a scary little word

called "trust."

♪ Not safe at home anymore... ♪

GOSSIP GIRL: Like fortune,
wealth, or anything truly worth having,

you have to give a lot
to receive a little.

(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

GOSSIP GIRL: But trust can be elusive.

Sometimes we give and give and give,

and get nothing in return.

- I hope you don't mind.
- Why would I mind?

Look, I was just angry.
Okay? I still am.

I know.

And I don't want to be angry anymore.

So, um...

I think I just need some time.

Take it. Just...

Just take it near me?

♪ You gotta run, babe
You know how to run... ♪

(PHONE RINGING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(CELLPHONE BUZZING)

Are you sure about this?

Not even a little bit.

But we deserve to be happy, right?

♪ Run, babe You know how to run... ♪

GOSSIP GIRL:
But in the cold light of day,

you can only ever trust yourself.

♪ (SONG FADES) ♪

- (DOORBELL BUZZES)
- (DOOR OPENING)

Finally! You've been ignoring
my texts all night.

JORDAN: They were a little inflammatory.

Damn right they were.
You went rogue and I almost got caught.

You? I was doing it for you, Kate!

(SCOFFS) Do not white knight this.

I wouldn't have had to if
you weren't acting irrationally.

- (SCOFFS)
- You are dating the man

hunting Gossip Girl

when you are, in fact, Gossip Girl.

What you're doing is reckless.

And getting tea with his mother isn't?

She's seen you now!
Wendy and I were really worried.

Granted, she was, like,
three mai tais in, but...

- (KNOCKING AT DOOR)
- Oh. She can tell you herself.

Come in!

♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

How did I not see it?
All the secretive texts,

the hushed conversations
in the teacher's lounge,

the way Jordan's always creeping around.

You've been running
Gossip Girl together.

I get how it seems, but...

MIKE: You wanna know the worst part?

I liked you, Kate.
I thought you were different.

You were offended by all
the lies and deception, too.

- You're the biggest liar of all.
- Wait, Mike.

Kate's right. It's not what you think.

Okay. Okay, maybe it was
a little what you think.

Yes, Kate realized I was at your house
and tried to warn me.

But only because she figured out
the truth and wanted to protect me.

What now?

I'm Gossip Girl. Me, alone.
I created the account.

Uh, I've been using
the school's firewall

to hide my tracks.
I wanted people to notice me.

For Kate to notice me. Because...

I've been noticing her
since the day she started.

But... she doesn't see me that way.

So I thought
that if I could impress her...

Because you are
all the things Mike said.

You hate the lies,
you hate the corruption,

you hate how the students behave.

I thought that if I could show you
that I could make a difference...

that you would finally see me
as someone worthy of you.

Jordan Glassberg, computer science.

- (CELLPHONE CHIMES)
- I have to admit,

I never would've thought
you had it in you.

What happens now?

Helena has me fired? Arrested? m*rder*d?

Helena? Who is that?

All I know is I'm free.

And you're gonna wish you were

after the person who just got
that text finds you.

(CELLPHONE SHATTERS)

♪ (TENSE MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪