01x04 - Report Card

[bunniefuu]

- Max!
[machinery whirring]

Max, I'm trying to study.

- What?
- I'm trying to study!

- Hold on.

- What about pickles?

- No pickles.

You're making
too much noise,

and I can't study
for my class Math Bowl.

- The Math Bowl?

Is that where
you flush away

any chance of
having a social life?

- Says the guy who spends
all his time

alone in his layer.

- I'm too busy for friends.

- So our dance parties
mean nothing?

- In case
you haven't noticed,

I'm trying to launch
the max-

into the stratosphere.

- Well, my Math Bowl
is more important.

- Rocket is.
- Math bowl.

- Rocket.
- Math bowl.

- Rocket.
- Fine, rocket!

- [gasps]

My baby.

I wanted to
push that button.

- You still can.

It just won't do anything.

[upbeat music]

- ♪ What you see ♪

♪ Is not what you get ♪

♪ Livin' our lives
with a secret ♪

♪ We fit right in ♪

♪ Bet you'd never guess ♪

♪ We've livin' our lives
just like all the rest ♪

♪ A picture-perfect family
is what we try to be ♪

♪ Look closer
you might see ♪

♪ The crazy things we do ♪

♪ This isn't make-believe ♪

♪ It's our reality ♪

♪ Just your average family ♪

♪ Trying to be normal ♪

♪ And stay out of trouble ♪

♪ Livin' a double life ♪

- Yay, I got the prize.

- You snooze, you lose.

Ow!

- You take, you bake.

- Zap your brother,
prize goes to mother.

Sweet. I always wanted
a glow-in-the-dark...

Whatever this is.

- Unbelievable.

This is the sixth day
in a row

my newspaper's missing.

Some miscreant
is stealing it.

- What's a miscreant?

- What's a newspaper?

- You know, you move
to a nice suburb

far away from metroburg,
you'd think

you wouldn't have
to fight crime anymore.

- You don't, Hank.

You're a retired superhero,
remember?

- Yeah, well,
crime hasn't retired.

It starts with my newspaper,

but then it's
your expensive jewelry.

- Since when do I have
expensive jewelry?

- Oh, so now
I'm the bad guy.

- Just toast for me, mom.

I have to study
for the Math Bowl.

- What is it with you
and the Math Bowl?

- This kind of stuff
will help me

get into Hero University.

And since I can't show off
my superpowers here,

might as well show off
my brainpower.

- Why?
So you can get a sticker

that says, "I'm a mathlete"?

- Beats, "I'm a duh-lympian."

- Say what you want,

I'm still smarter at math
than you are.

- Dad, who's smarter at math,
me or Max?

- Yeah, right. Parents never
answer questions like that.

BOTH: Phoebe is.
- What?

- She is in honors math
and gets a's.

And you get...
The other letters.

- Well, at villain
University,

they don't care
about grades.

- Well, we do.

Tomorrow is report card day.

And if your grades
aren't better,

we're taking away
your doomsday devices.

Which we probably
should've done

a couple years ago.

- Good luck with getting
your grades up in a day.

- And good luck
with the couch.

- What cou--ouch!

- I'll take them to school.

Can you drive
Billy and Nora?

- No problem.

I'm all over it.
Got it.

[door shuts]

Or, I could deputize you both
as my sidekicks,

and we could catch ourselves
a newspaper bandit.

- Sidekick?

This just became the happiest
moment of my tender life.

[cheering]

Aah.

- I'm guessing you want a peak
at your report card

before you parents see it.

Well, no dice.

Now, get to class.

What are you waiting for?

A ruler-smack
on the butt?

'cause apparently
that's "illegal" now.

[scoffs]

- All right, I'm going.

Hey, by the way,
"Berman" comes before

"McDougal"
in the alphabet.

Your folders.

- I was alphabetizing
before--

holy duck sauce!

This isn't you.

Get your head in the game.

You picked the wrong day
to give up coffee.

- Okay, thundermans,
time check.

- , sir.

Paper should be here
any minute.

Paper's here, sir.

- Thanks.

Okay.

There is the bait.

Everybody clear
on the plan?

- When I see the thief,
I signal Billy.

Then Billy speed-wraps him
in the garden hose.

- Wait. I thought
we weren't supposed

to use our superpowers.

- I'm the one who's retired.

You two are in training.

[whispers]
That's called a loophole.

Positions, everybody.

- Go, go, go.

- Mom?

You're the paper thief?

- I was jogging.

- Tell it to the cops.

- Hank,
what if the neighbors

saw our kids
use their superpowers?

- What kind of weirdo
wakes up at : A.M.?

A beautiful weirdo,
that is who.

Come here. Mwah. Mwah.

- We're home.

Did the report cards
come in yet?

- [laughs]
Since when are you

So excited
about report cards?

- Hey, kids.

Looking for these?

BOTH: Yes.

- Now, remember, before we

open your report cards,
we care just as much

about the effort
as we do about the grades.

- No, we don't.
- I know.

But we have to say that.

Okay. First, Phoebe.

Five as and one "B".

- A "B"?

Art class?

You guys love the horse
I painted you.

- Oh, that was a horse.

- That's what that was!

Huh. All right, Max.

Straight as.
- What?

- Is there another
Max thunderman at your school?

- Max, I'm so proud
of you!

Oh, you finally
put aside all that

supervillain nonsense,
and it really paid off.

- Someone was paid off.

- What can I say, sis?

We don't all need to study
to get "gooder" grades.

- Are you hearing this?

- I'll be off,
building my next rocket.

Because I earned it.

Because my report card
spells, "aaaaaa."

and yours spells, "aaaaab."

- wait. there's more.

It's a letter, saying
you're being transferred

to honors math class.

BOTH: What?
- That's Phoebe's class.

Oh, you two can be
little study buddies.

[squeals]

Let's put this
on the refrigerator.

- Oh, and yours too,
Phoebe.

It's the right thing to do.
- Yeah, you have to.

- [sighs]
Spill it.

- I changed my grades.

But I didn't
expect this to happen.

- I worked my butt off
to get into that class, Max.

You need to transfer out.

- Eh, sounds like a hassle.

I'll just sleep through it.

- Yeah, you may as well.

I mean, you couldn't
keep up anyway.

- Excuse me?

- It's gonna be
too challenging for you.

- Challenging?

There isn't
a math equation

out there I can't solve.

- How about "you plus this class
equals failure"?

- Okay, well, how about
"you divided by

shut your mouth
equals go away?"

[chuckles]

gotta work on
my math slams.

- Okay, so as soon
as the newspaper gets here--

- The paper's here, sir.

- Thanks.

All right, so I'm gonna
place it here

on this giant sheet
of sticky fly paper.

And then it'll
catch the thief

in our gluey trap.

- Really? Fly paper?

That's all you got,
thunder man?

- You know, some of
the best sidekicks

are the quiet ones.

Okay, of course now
I'm just gonna

adjust this a little bit,
so it's--

oh, my hand.

[chuckles]

Uh. Uh, all right.

[grunts]
That's my elbow.

All right.

[grunting]
Oh, no, no, no, no.

Aah. Aah.

My face.

- Sad, isn't it, Billy?

Billy?

- Oh, my chest.

My elbow.
My other elbow!

[all chanting "Phoebe"]

- Done.

- And a new record!

[cheers and applause]

- Phoebe, you're awesome.

I really hope we're
on the same Math Bowl team.

I'm great
at quadratic equations,

unlike some people.

- That was one time.

And it was
a heavy pollen day.

- All right, class.
All right.

Ah, very exciting news.

I have finally chosen our
two Math Bowl team captains.

And the first team captain
is Phoebe thunderman.

[cheers and applause]

And facing off against Phoebe
is a new student

who begged me this morning
in the parking lot

to be the other team captain,
Max thunderman.

- Present.

- Max?

- And I brought cotton candy
for everyone.

- [gasps]
Ooh, cotton candy!

- I love cotton candy.
- I want some.

[all chanting "Max"]

- Why does my brother
have to ruin everything?

- That's your brother?

He is one prime number.

- Yeah. Zero.
- Zero's not a prime--

- I know zero's
not a prime number.

Really?
Math bowl captain?

You said you were gonna sleep
through this class.

- Oh, I already took a siesta
in Spanish,

so I'm bueno.

Cotton candy?

- I know why you're doing this--
to mess with me.

You want me to fail,
so I don't get into college,

and I end up in a shack
living with cats,

and wondering
where it all went wrong.

Well, I won't
let it happen, Max, I won't!

Oh, that is good.

- I just wanna crush you
in the Math Bowl.

But if you're living
with cats, bonus.

- All right, everyone,
take your seats.

- Max, there's a seat open
by me.

Sorry, Evan,
didn't see you there.

- Alert, alert.

Math nerds approaching.

[doorbell rings]

- Hey, guys.
- Hi.

- Hey, Phoebe.
- Come on in.

Oh, Ashley, thank you so much
for filling in for Sarah.

She must be really sick
to miss the Math Bowl.

- That's what you get for
sharing a compass with Tyler.

- [sneezes]

[sneezes]

- Ugh!

- Oh, check it out.

I drew a team picture.

Drawing's kind of my thing.

- No, it's not.

- Well, well, well.

What do we have here?

- It's called studying,
which leads

to team Phoebe
winning the Math Bowl.

- Wow. Why didn't
I think of that?

[doorbell rings]

Oh, yeah, I did.

Up top, brainiacs.
- Yeah!

- What's up?
What's up?

- Sarah?

I thought you were sick.

- I'm love-sick.

And the only cure
is being on Max's team.

- Okay, let's go
hit my lair.

- Lair?

That sounds dangerous.
I should--

I should call my mom.

- This is gonna be
a long night.

- [squeals]

Wow. That was like being sucked
into a wormhole.

- Cool room, Max.

- Oh, it's a typical
teenage bedroom.

- Oh, sweet!

- Hey, Evan, don't--
don't touch that.

- Why?
Is this a real rocket?

- No, Einstein,
it's a corn muffin.

- Who said that?
- Uh, I did, Sarah.

[imitates Dr. Colosso]
I like doing funny voices.

- This thing must need
an incredible amount of thrust

to break through
the inner atmosphere.

- Oh, it's a standard
-kilogram rocket

and it requires , Newtons
to achieve escape velocity.

- With a brain like that,
our kids

are gonna be
mathematical prodigies.

I mean, uh, cool room.

- Okay, sidekicks.

Early this morning,
I planted a tracking device

on today's paper,
so we can

trace the thief
back to his hideout.

[horse neighs]

- Why didn't you just
nab the thief

when he came
and took the paper?

- I went back to sleep,
okay?

Ooh, see that dot?

That is our missing paper.

It looks like the paper thief
is right here in town.

- It looks like he's
on this block.

- Um, it looks like
he's in our house.

[both screaming]

- Okay, okay, calm down.

What do I always tell you
when you're scared?

- "mom's meat loaf
may look weird,

but it probably
won't k*ll us."

- no. never fear.

Thunder man is here!

- Good morning.
- Aah!

- All right, guys,
ready to go.

- Hey.
- Look who decided to show up.

Hope you
brought your a-game,

because Phoebe
is greater than Max.

- Well, I hope
you brought your calculator,

because Max times awesome
is geometrically--

man, I gotta work
on these math slams.

- Here's the deal.
When I win this,

you have to drop
out of this class.

- And when I win,
you have to wear this

for the rest of the year.

- [sighs]
Done.

- Done.

BOTH: Pshh!

- Welcome to
hiddenville high's

annual Math Bowl,
Math Bowl, Math Bowl,

A.K.A. the only day
I'm truly alive.

Math, ahh! Ahh!

Now, let's meet
our two teams.

The trig monkeys...
ALL: Yeah!

- And the algebrats.

[all cheering]

[fake applause]

Now, let's get
today's questions,

courtesy of
our good friend arithmo-tick.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[chuckles]

Thank you, arithmo.

Now, let's begin
with our first question.

Name the theory that states,
"if 'a' equals 'b'

and 'b' equals 'c', then--"

[buzz]

- The theory of transitivity.
- correct.

Score one for the algebrats.
- Yeah!

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- If 'x' equals
the square root of ,,

what the heck is 'x'?

[buzz]
- .

- Correct. And Max's
trig monkeys are on the board.

[fake applause]
Next question.

♪ ♪

[buzz]

♪ ♪

[ding]
[buzz]

♪ ♪

Oh, yeah, a tie.

Ah, love a tie.

Now, who can tell me--

what is the surface
of a sphere,

whose circumference
is centimeters?

[buzz]

- Wait. I-i didn't mean
to hit the buzzer.

My hand must've slipped.

- Oh, sorry.
A false buzzer means

that the question
goes to the opposing team.

- Uh, Mr. Pines,
that was a super--question.

And Ashley didn't
have the powers--to answer it,

because she gets shy
in public.

- Yeah, I have no idea
what you're saying.

- [sighs]

- Trig monkeys, still waiting
on that answer.

Okay, looks like that question
stumped everyone.

So, let's move on
to the next question.

Who can solve arithmo-tick's
equation?

[buzz]

- I got it.
The answer is--

mmm. mmm.

[murmuring]

- Ooh, I'm sorry,
those aren't words.

- Uh, you know what?

Maybe the stress
is getting to you kids.

Let's take a five,
and then we can settle this

with a sudden death
tiebreaker round.

[menacing music]

♪ ♪

I'm sorry.
My button's stuck.

[chuckles]
I tested this all weekend.

- Okay, kids,

this is the only place
we haven't looked.

The paper thief
must be down here.

- I'm scared.
Don't worry, honey.

I have tangoed with plenty
of supervillains in my day.

- Yeah, but you're old now.

- Just follow
the newspapers to--

- Dr. colosso?

- You've been stealing
dad's newspaper?

But why?

- Number one, to read.

Number two, number two.

- My former archnemesis,
I should've known.

- You may have turned me
into a rabbit,

but I'm still
a bad, bad bunny.

- No you're just
a cute little bunny.

- Yes, you are.
- Yes, you are.

- Ooh. Little--

- Stop it, stop it.
stop it!

- All right.
I'll tell you what.

We'll stop teasing you if you
give me that sports section.

- As soon as
I'm done with it.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mmm.

Okay. I'm done.

ALL: Ugh.

- All right, guys,
last one, tiebreaker.

- Max, you're gonna
get us in trouble

for exposing our powers.

- I'll stop when you stop.
- No, you won't.

- No, I won't.

Look, I was just gonna
nap in this class,

until you said I wouldn't
be able to handle it.

- Well, I'm sorry I said
you couldn't cut it here.

Obviously you're
great at math.

- Thank you.
- But you've also managed

to ruin this class for me.

- This class?
With those "nerdios"

and that freaky tick?

- Look, maybe you
don't like school, but I do.

Max, you have a lair,
where you

work on rockets
and crazy inventions.

I have school, where I have
clubs and friends.

This is my lair.

[epic music]

- And that sound means
it's time

for the sudden death round.

Now this question
can only be answered

by the team captains.

Now, you get it right,
you win.

Get it wrong, you die.

- [gasps]
- [chuckles]

I'm just kidding.
You just lose.

That's all that happens.

Now, Max and Phoebe,
for all the marbles,

who can tell me...

[timer ticking]

How many Newtons of thrust
does it take

for a standard
-kilogram rocket

to achieve escape velocity?

[buzz]

Max?
- You know this.

- It's perfect.

- Huh?
Hey, tick is ticking.

- The answer is --

--

eleventy-seven?

- Eleven--
[stammering]

That's not even a thing.

Which--which means that

the algebrats
are the winners.

[cheers and applause]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Hey, Max.
- Hey.

- I just wanna say that
I know

you got that last question
wrong on purpose.

- No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.

- Fine, I did,
but only so I could

get out of your class
of nerdlings,

and back to my old one--

numbers and stuff.

- Well, it was still
a really nice thing to do.

- Whatever. It's not like
you knew the answer anyway.

- Yes, did.
- No, you didn't.

- Ugh. I knew you would
ruin this moment.

And don't say,
"no, you didn't,"

because you will regret it.

- No, you didn't.

- That's it.

Hit it, guys.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- [sneezes]

♪ ♪