01x17 - Pretty Little Choirs

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Baby, you're so great ♪

♪ You make me smile ♪

♪ And it's something
I cannot hide ♪

- I can't believe
I have to follow her.

- ♪ And I can feel it ♪

♪ For the first time
in my life ♪

[applause]

- [sighs]

I clap loud when I'm nervous.

- Don't worry.
This is just practice.

Actual solo auditions
aren't until Friday.

- I don't know, cherry;
she's a senior,

and she comes from a long line
of professional choir singers.

- And you...

Stood in a long line
this morning for a muffin.

So there's that.

- Phoebe Thunderman, you're up.

- [sighs]

[sighs]

♪ We're so close now ♪

♪ It's easy to see ♪

♪ Just take my hand
and follow me ♪

♪ Together we will be, oh-- ♪

[hacking cough]

A spitball?

- Not bad, Phoebe.

But you need to work on your...

Not choking.

[school bell rings]

- Look at this!

Who would sh**t a spitball
at me?

- I would.

- Veronica?
Why?

We're...sisters in song.

- I own the solo spot, newb,

and I'll stop at nothing
to keep it.

Choke on...

♪ That ♪

- She does have a nice voice.

- And nice aim.

- Guys, did you hear
about the girl

who got pelted with spitballs?

Oh.

[laughs]

Guess you did.

- ♪ What you see
is not what you get ♪

♪ Living our lives
with a secret ♪

♪ We fit right in,
bet you never guessed ♪

♪ 'cause we're living our lives
just like all the rest ♪

♪ A picture-perfect family
is what we try to be ♪

♪ Look closer, you might see
the crazy things we do ♪

♪ This isn't make-believe ♪

♪ It's our reality ♪

♪ Just your average family ♪

♪ Trying to be normal
instead of trouble ♪

♪ Living a double life ♪

- As I'm in the middle
of my solo,

a spitball flies into my mouth

and hits the little punching bag
in the back of my throat.

- What is that little thing?

It's so...wiggly.

- Mm, and so hangy.

- And so not the point
of my story.

- This Veronica girl is just
trying to psych you out

before your solo audition.

Don't let her get to you.

- Yeah, get to her first.

May I suggest a tiger att*ck?

- Max...

- Rhino att*ck?
I know a guy.

- No.
No animals, Max.

Phoebe, what you need to do
is let it roll off your back.

Always works for me.

What, Hank?

You don't think
I let things roll off my back?

- I didn't say that.

But I did spit it.

Thank you.
- It's for me.

[alarm bleeping]

- Alert, alert.

Annoying neighbor approaching.

PHOEBE, MAX, AND BARB:
Darcy!

- Come on, guys.

She's just a harmless kid

who snoops around the house,

which could expose us.

Yeah, let's get rid of her.

- You know, Mom's right.

I'm gonna let this thing
roll off my back

and be nice to Veronica.

- Big mistake.

"Sorry, @wolfgang.

"No go on the rhino.

Please credit my account."

- Is she ever gonna ring
the doorbell?

Oh.
Hello, Darcy.

What brings you by?

- Just returning your magazines.

- We didn't lend you
any magazines.

- I know.
I steal them from your mailbox.

So what you weirdoes doing?

- Oh, you know,

just showing you out.

[laughs]

- Right.

You're obviously on your way
to get your hair done.

- I...just got my hair done.

- Oh, so you're going
to get your money back?

See ya.

- What--

My hair is fine!

Why would she say that?

- Because she's Darcy.

But this'll just roll
off your back.

Right, Barb?

- Of course.

Do I look angry?

- This tea party is delightful.

- Okay, I'm done.

Get me out of this costume.

- But you like playing dress-up.

- Do I?

Let's review.

I hate this.
[harpsichord music]

I hate this.
[polka music]

[in high-pitched voice]
I hate this.

[classical music]

[children laughing]

[children sigh happily]

- Well, if you're gonna
stick me in a dress,

can I at least have
some carrots?

- Fine.

We'll get you some carrots,
you big baby.

- Oh, that's a good idea!

We should dress him up
as a baby.

- Hey, Colosso,
what size diaper are you?

Where did Dr. Colosso go?

Billy, check the front yard.

- He's not there.

- Check the park.

- He's not there.

- Check the international
carrot museum.

- He's not there.

But carrots are way more
interesting than I thought.

- Uh-oh.

Dr. Colosso is gone!

- [sighs]
hey, Veronica.

Look, I know the pressure
of the solo spot

is getting to us,
so I bought you a smoothie.

Hey, cherry.
Did you see what I did there?

I just let yesterday's spitball
roll off my back.

V is now a fan of the Phoebs.

- [gasps]

- V did that, didn't she?

- You and I are enemies,

and ounces of butt-kiss
isn't going to change that.

This solo spot is...

♪ Miiiiiiiine ♪

- Okay, I get it!

- Technically,
your plan worked.

I mean, it is rolling
off your back.

I'll get you a towel.

- I see Mom's advice
is working out well for you.

Ready to try revenge?

- I'm in.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hear me out.

For centuries, revenge was--

Wait, you're in?

- Totally. I can't let her get
in my head before the audition.

- Perfect,
'cause I did some research,

and it turns out if Veronica
fails her next math assignment,

she'll get kicked out of choir.

- Do you have a plan?

- I have several

but only one
that keeps us out of jail.

I'm gonna replace her tutor
with a new tutor:

Max Thunderman.

- Then you sabotage
her homework, and she fails.

So devious...

Yet so exciting.

- Welcome to the dark side.

Here's our handbook, a keychain,

and a T-shirt.

- Cute!

- The dark side's not cute,
Phoebe.

- Don't worry, fake Colosso.

This is just until we find
the real Colosso.

Or forever
if we get bored looking for him.

- What are you kids doing
down here?

- Uh...

Feeding Dr. Colosso.

- What are you doing down here?

- I--I'm putting away
Max's laundry.

- Where is it?

- It was, uh--

I'm just gonna--

Just--just go upstairs.

Hey, Colosso.

I'm just gonna borrow
some of Max's chemicals

to fix what I did to my hair.

I was trying something new,
and, well--

Hey, you're brutally honest.

Uh...

What do you think of this color?

Say something.

You can't even look at me!

It's hideous!

- There's Veronica's math tutor.

Help me throw this anvil
on him.

- It's just Evan.
I can handle him.

- Oh!
[anvil thuds]

- Hey, Evan.

Aren't you in charge
of the iguana

in the science lab?

- Yeah, why?

- I heard her eggs are hatching.

- Eleanor!

Daddy's coming!

- Okay, now go turn Veronica
into moronica.

[laughs]

Got it.
No puns on the dark side.

- Hey, Veronica.

Evan is sick,
and I'm your new tutor.

- Whoever can help me
with my math homework

is fine by me.

- Great.
But a word of warning.

I have
some unusual tutoring methods.

We won't be needing
this math book.

- That was my English book.

- We won't need that either.

- All right, Billy.

We've checked every house
on the block.

[doorbell rings]
Maybe Darcy's seen Colosso.

- She does seem to be
everywhere.

- What are you guys doing
on my porch?

- Hey, we were wondering,
have you seen--

- Nope, haven't seen anything.

- Did you notice
all those carrots?

Do you know what that means?

- That she just got back from

the international
carrot museum.

I'm so jealous.

- No, Billy, it means
She has Dr. Colosso!

- We already had math today,
Phoebe.

Why are we waiting
outside the class?

- Because when Veronica gets
an "F" on her homework,

I get to watch her
get kicked out of the choir.

[school bell rings]

- Hey, girls.

Guess who gets to stay in choir

'cause they got an "A"?

[both squealing happily]

- An "A"?

- And guess who did my homework?

My new boyfriend.

- New boyfriend?

- Forgot your backpack
in the library, babe.

- "Babe"?

- Thanks, Max.

Sweetest boyfriend...

♪ Ever ♪

- Good news, Colosso.

Got a new girlfriend.

And ready to take a big step:

putting on deodorant.

[chuckles]

Because suddenly
what I smell like matters.

Oh, I get it.

The silent treatment?

This must be because I violated

the "bunnies before honeys"
code.

- [sighs]
Max?

- Ow!

Freeze kick?
What's next, a super wedgie?

[whooshing noise]

[in high-pitched voice]
Ooh! Ooh!

Let go!

- You got Veronica an "A"
on her homework.

You were supposed
to help me get revenge,

not become her boyfriend.

- Phoebe, I know you're mad...

- Continue.

- That's it.
I just know you're mad.

- [sighs]

how could you betray
your own sister?

We were on the same side.

Promises were made.

T-shirts were printed.

- Yeah, but that's the thing
about the dark side, Phoebe.

You don't know
who to really trust.

You would know that
if you read the handbook.

- You know what?

I don't need your help
or your dark side.

I can get that solo spot
on my own

with the power of my...

♪ Voice ♪

Huh.
That is fun.

- When are we going to Darcy's
To get Dr. Colosso?

- I wrote the plan on your hand.

- "Eat dessert.
Wait till dark.

Steel Colosso's butt."

- "Back."

"Steal Colosso back."

- Sorry, barbecue sauce.

Now what do we do?

- Just follow my lead.

Mom? Dad?
I'll be in my room.

- Okay, sweetie.

Billy, where you gonna be?

- I got nothin'!

- He'll be in his room.

- So, Barb...

I notice you got a new hat.

That doesn't have anything to do

with the comment Darcy made,
does it?

[dish clatters]
- Did Darcy make a comment?

- No, no, no co--
No comment.

It's a lovely hat.

- I knew
there was something strange

about those Thundermans.

I thought they were aliens.

But having a talking bunny
is way better.

Now, just talk for me,

and I'll give you
these delicious carrots.

Talk, you fat rat!

- I can't watch this t*rture,
Nora.

I just can't.

[doorbell rings]

- I'll get it.

Must be the bunny shaver
I ordered.

It's gonna be
a coooold winter.

- Dr. Colosso,
we're here to save you.

- Hands off the merchandise,
toots.

- But don't you want to go home?

Isn't this whole clown thing
a little weird?

- No more weird than the
lame costumes you put me in.

- We're back to that?

- We never left it.

- Fine. You can dress yourself
from now on.

- I want to be a lifeguard
and a firefighter

and three costumes
to be named later.

- Deal. Now let's get you
out of this freak show.

- I'm coming back, rabbit.

- Uh-oh.
Hide!

- Nobody was at the door.

Isn't that weird?

Well?

Say something!

Fine.

I'm going to stare at you
until you talk,

even if takes all night.

- ♪ My bro Max stabbed me
in the back ♪

♪ Back the in me stabbed Max
bro my ♪

Off to do
your "girlfriend's" homework?

Can't you see she's using you?

- Phoebe, when you're in
a committed relationship,

it is very common for the boy
to do the girl's homework.

- Did Veronica tell you that?

- Yes.

[alarm bleeping]

- Alert, alert.

Jealous nerd approaching.

- Jealous nerd?
Who's that?

[doorbell rings]

Evan?
You're the jealous nerd?

I mean, how's your iguana?

- I'm not here about lizards.

I'm here to fight Max
for Veronica's heart.

- Her heart?

I thought you were
her math tutor.

- I am,
but I'm also her boyfriend.

Well, at least on Wednesdays,
I am.

- Wednesdays?

- That's when I do her homework.

On the other days, she has
different tutor boyfriends.

- Tell me more
About these "tutor boyfriends."

- My staring isn't getting you
to talk.

Well, what about the evil glares
of my clown posse?

- Ah!
Creepy clown!

- Ah!
Creepy Thunderman!

- Hey, I'm not creepy.

I'm quirky.

Now give me back my rabbit.

- How can that be your rabbit
if he's in my room?

- He's mine.

It's not like I have
another rabbit in my house

that looks
exactly like this one.

Get the bunny!

- [softly]
oh.

- I already have the bunny.

- Thank you.

- For what?

- For...

Understanding
that I made a mistake.

That's not my bunny.

Sorry for the mix-up.

And for this.

- Ah!

- Hey, you guys here
because Veronica texted you?

- Yup.
What do you think she wants?

- Who cares?

I get to talk to her,
and it's not even Monday.

Tutor bump.

- Hey, did you say, uh,
you were meeting Veronica?

- Who are you?

- He's Veronica's new Wednesday.

- What are you talking about?
I'm her new boyfriend.

- Yeah, on Wednesdays.

- You're looking at

her Monday, Tuesday, and Friday
tutor boyfriends.

Thursday is pinkeye.

- Hold on.

Are you all dating Veronica
and tutoring her?

- We're just like you, buddy.

- [laughs]
no.

Veronica and I have
something special.

She said I put...

ALL: the "stud" in "study."

- So--so she's using
all of us.

Doesn't that bother you guys?

[laughter]

- We're freshmen.

Who's using who?

- It's "who's using whom," Tom.

I'm her English tutor.

- Welcome to the club,
Wednesday.

- Hey, Max.

- Why do I get the feeling
you just tutored me?

- It was the only way

I could get you to believe
how horrible she is.

- So you were willing to help me
even after I betrayed you.

- Of course.
You're my brother.

- Thanks.
That's...really nice.

[phone plays Beethoven's th]

Hey, isn't your audition
right now?

- Aw, you put my audition
in your phone?

- Actually, this is a reminder

to wish Veronica good luck
b*ating you.

Wait. You're missing
your audition to help me?

- Yeah, this was more important.

- Phoebe,
enough with being nice.

You have to get in there

and b*at the girl
who broke my...

♪ Heaaaart ♪

- Snap out of it, Wednesday.

[applause]

- That concludes our auditions,
everyone.

I've decided our solo spot
goes to--

- Wait!

I'm here to audition.

- Uh, sorry, Phoebe.

Auditions ended at :.

- But the clock says it's :.

- What?

How did that happen?

- Fine.

You've got two minutes
to dazzle me,

and then I'll make my decision.

[upbeat piano music]

- ♪ Just put a smile
on your face ♪

♪ And make the world
a better place ♪

♪ 'cause there is beauty
that surrounds you ♪

- She's good.

Time for her to choke.

- ♪ Lend a hand,
help out someone's day ♪

♪ Be the kind of friend... ♪

- Not on Wednesday's watch.

- ♪ I'll be standing
right beside you ♪

♪ And this is the kind of world
I dream of ♪

♪ The kind of world I dream of ♪

♪ The kind of world
I dream of every night ♪

♪ And this is the kind of world
I hope for ♪

- Let's see if she can handle

Evan's "don't say good-bye"
chocolate creme pie.

- ♪ The kind of world
where everything's all right ♪

♪ Da, da, da-da-da,
da da da ♪

♪ Da, da da da, da ♪

♪ Da, da-da-da da da da ♪

♪ Da, da-da-da ♪

♪ This is the kind of world
I hope for ♪

♪ The kind of world
I want more ♪

♪ The kind of world
where everything's all right ♪

[applause]

- After hearing
all the candidates sing,

I've decided to award
the solo spot to...

Phoebe Thunderman!

[applause]

- You have got to be kidding me.

This is so not...

♪ Coooooool ♪

[choking]

- Nice sh*t.
- Thanks.

Aimed for the hangy thing.

- Really, Barb?

A top hat?

- Excuse me for trying
to class up this house.

- Enough is enough.

You need to take your own advice

and let that stuff
Darcy said about your hair

roll off your back.

You're beautiful no matter what
your hair looks like.

- Aw, Hank, you're sweet.

Maybe I am being silly.

- Mm.

- I know.
It's awful.

I--I tried to use chemicals
to fix it,

and, well, this happened.

- No, no, no, no, it--
It's actually not that bad.

Um, I kind of like it.

It's fresh.
It's brave.

Everyone is gonna love it.

- [screams]
- Whoa!

- [yells]
- [yells]