02x07 - Dress Me Up! Dress Me Down!

[bunniefuu]

♪ ("ON THE GROUND" BY GRACE IVES
PLAYS) ♪

GOSSIP GIRL: Good morning,
Upper East Siders.

Gossip Girl here.
Your one and only source

into the scandalous lives
of Manhattan's elite.

Pardon the throwback,
but I'm feeling nostalgic today.

- Hello.
- AUDREY HOPE: Hey.

- My literal lord and savior.
- Every launch needs fuel, right?

GOSSIP GIRL: On that note,
there's nothing quite like

having someone who knows you better

- than you know yourself.
- KIKI HOPE: Hi!

This latest round of adrenaline,
courtesy of Julien.

- KIKI HOPE: Oh, thank you.
- ELEANOR WALDORF-ROSE: Oh, thank you.

These are beautiful.
I would literally wear

- every single piece here.
- A sign these will get you buzz.

Maybe just ask me this time around?

Yes. (CHUCKLES)

Won't happen again.

God, I know I should be terrified,
but for the first time in my life,

I don't have an ounce of nerves.

Because you've done the work,
and tomorrow

at the spring luncheon,
everyone will know it.

Thank you. Thank you all.
Hey, breakfast on me.

It's the least I can do.

I'd love to, but Audrey already...

Claimed her for, uh, book club.

Uh, if only you had read
Yanagihara, you know?

Um, I'll let you two geniuses,
uh, get to it?

GOSSIP GIRL:
Someone who knows the old you,

the new you, and everyone in between.

You didn't tell her?

The last thing my mom needs to
be thinking about right now

is my father
and his mistress/girlfriend.

They're only in town for a few days,
and then they're going to Paris,

so when they're gone
and this event is over,

then I'll tell her.

You're still down to come, right?

I really need a hand to crush
whenever Jessica speaks.

Of course, babe.

GOSSIP GIRL: But what about
the poor souls

sans a tried and true? A ride or die?

Especially those of you
who show up for yours,

when they don't bother
showing up at all?

For those, I have a little advice.

No matter how close
you feel to someone...

(CELLPHONE CHIMES)

...how much trust you may have,
how much you feel connected,

in the end it doesn't matter.

Throwback?

Morning, sleepyhead.

I, uh, saw you posted
to Gossip Girl without me.

- Thought we had a deal.
- You need to speak up, sweetie.

I'm outside of a Barry's
where someone spiked

their alkaline water
with bacteria from the dark web.

You didn't. Why?

We promised to f*ck sh*t up,

so I posted on GG to light
a fire under your ass.

Gossip Girl really works better
when it's just the one voice.

Boring, it needs more drama,
blood, pizzazz.

We're gonna restore her
to her glory days.

But... but people don't want
the old Gossip Girl.

They're fine with the new Gossip Girl.

GEORGINA SPARKS: You know
what else they're fine with?

Fennel. Amazon. Democracy.

You have hours to turn up the heat

or else I'm taking control permanently.

How am I supposed to do that?
I only report drama,

I don't create it. I am not playing God.

You don't play God, you are God.
Jesus f*cking Christ.

And I can say that because
He and I are good now.

What you need is a rivalry.

I tried that. It didn't work.

It only brought Zoya and Julien closer.

Oh, stop going for the heart.
Go for the jugular.

You find that rivalry, or else.

Tick, tock.

GOSSIP GIRL: After all, the road to hell

is paved with the best intentions.

My intentions, to be exact.

♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Ew. Who gave you my address?

- Uh, the Constance contact list.
- My parents redacted that.

Town & Country did a whole feature.

It wasn't hard to deduce
through Google Maps from there.

What exactly is it that you want?

I know that we haven't always
gotten along.

We've never gotten along.

But I wanted to say thank you
for, um, for helping me.

I helped you? No, no.
That doesn't ring any bells.

I made scones.

They're lemon-lavender,
which I know you like.

I did my homework.

You brought me food? No one d*ed, Zoya.

I was just trying to be nice.

Okay. I'm gonna be late
for school. (SMACKS LIPS)

So you can leave those anywhere

and they'll be decorative, I guess.

(TO POODLES) Come on, let's go.

Hello?

Oh, Mrs. de Haan. I'm so sorry.

Monet just asked to put these
down somewhere. Um, I, I...

Zoya, we're quite fond of your father.

It seems you've inherited
his aptitude for kindness.

(CHUCKLES)

Might I guess my daughter
doesn't appreciate this quality?

Um...

- Uh, may I?
- Yeah.

Thank you, Zoya. This will go
very well with my coffee.

- Have a wonderful day.
- You as well.

Well, Jessica's dying to visit

la Fondation d'entreprise Louis-Vuitton,

which if you ask me is, uh,
juste pour les touristes.

- (LAUGHS)
- Ne sois pas si basique.

Will also got us reservations
at L'Ami Louis

and La Rigamarole.

Plus, a private tour
of the Luxembourg Gardens.

Sounds like a great trip.

Well, maybe both of you
can come with us next time.

Ah, excuse me, the three of you.

- (LAUGHS)
- (JESSICA BRADLEY CHUCKLES)

I'm still getting used to it.

- Us too.
- JESSICA: Three! (LAUGHS)

- MAX WOLFE: Right. (CHUCKLES)
- (FORCED LAUGH) Three.

Jules! God, I...

I know this must have been
a rough few months for you, huh?

I mean, that was some pretty crazy sh*t

that went down with your dad,
right? (LAUGHS)

He called me, you know?

We had a long, long talk. Yeah.

I mean, he told me none
of it was true, of course.

♪ ("HOLD ME CLOSER" BY ELTON
JOHN AND BRITNEY SPEARS PLAYING) ♪

I'm... I'm just glad to see you're okay.

Thank you. Well, I couldn't have
gotten through it

without Audrey.
And her wonderful mother.

So, you, uh, you're living
with your half sister

on the Upper West?
Can't imagine you like it there.

(CHUCKLES) I mean,
that's not your scene.

Oh, I don't know.
A stable home with a dad

who loves his daughter
enough to stick around.

(CLEARS THROAT) Uh, it's nice
to see you again, Ak-eye.

I heard your mother
got the latest strain.

- Is she doing better?
- Aki's mom is doing great.

Personally, I think
Ak-eye is a great nickname.

Don't you, Will?

What is with the Sydney Sweeney
White Lotus impersonation?

I thought I was here to support
you, not your dad. He's a d*ck.

(SHUSHES) I think that
you're projecting right now.

Um, the one who cheated
on your mom with her assistant?

That guy, right there.

And they've been together
for a year now,

so maybe it's real love.

I am trying to make an effort. Please.

You're letting him off the hook.

No, I'm not.

I have to use the restroom.

Sorry. She's going
through a lot right now.

It's okay. I was just telling,
uh, one of your boyfriends,

it must feel weird being here
with me in this new context.

- Babe, you don't have to.
- No, it's okay. I want to.

It's uncomfortable for all of us,

but I appreciate your generosity.

And I know it's hard to hear, but...

I miss your mom.

And maybe... maybe we can't be friends,

but I just... I hope she knows
that nothing happened

until after the separation.

Just a close friendship
that become more...

It's okay. It's in the past.
Don't worry.

Okay. Okay. Mm. Well,

now we can see if this L'Oreal
really is waterproof.

(CHUCKLES, SNIFFLES)

- Excuse me.
- (WILL GRUNTS, CLEARS THROAT)

So, uh, Will,

what else are you getting into
while you're in town?

If you're a fan of theater,

you know, it has its privileges
to know a Wolfe.

Name any show
and the best seats are yours.

Oh, I'd never take advantage of that.

I mean, that should be
for people who can't afford it,

not people who can, right?

(LAUGHS WEAKLY)

Don't take it personally.

It took him a while to warm up to me.

Oh, yeah? Well, I'm not you. I'm me.

Before she gets back,
I have to tell you something.

Oh, I thought things were going
good between you two.

Oh, very.

I'm gonna propose. Tonight.

- Congratulations.
- Oh. Uh, wow.

Well, I didn't wanna hide it from you.

I'm trying to do
things differently this time.

Yeah, no, it's... it's great.

I... I'm so happy for you two,
it's just...

Do you think you could wait a few days?

Mom is debuting some of her
new pieces at this big event

at the Ukrainian Institute
tomorrow and I just...

I really... I would hate
for anything to derail her.

Well, uh...

Jessica's always dreamt
of a Central Park proposal,

but I suppose, uh, Paris is a level up.

Thank you.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, this is wonderful news.

Should we order some champagne? Hmm?

It's not even : a.m.

(CHUCKLES)

(TOILET FLUSHING)

Remember when I would take
you and Audrey

skating on the weekends?

Will and Katherine would be working late

and you felt bad that Audrey was alone.

Even as a kid, you were always
looking out for her.

She's my best friend.

It... it's more than that.
You stand up for what's right.

Like with the whole
"Stop the Story" thing.

Sorry. Ugh. (SNIFFLES)

I promised I wouldn't fangirl,
but I watch it religiously.

Thank you. I appreciate that.

I know this might be crazy,
but what if you had me on?

The way things went down
has bothered me for so long.

I never wanted to hurt Katherine
or cause Audrey pain.

I... I would love the opportunity
to come clean

about the role I played in it all.

Admit my wrongdoing.

Show how much I still care
about both of them.

Maybe heal some wounds.

I don't know, Jessica.

I would love to see that,

but there's just too many
toes to step on here.

Totally. You're right.
Forget I even brought it up.

It's great seeing you again.

Have you talked to him?
Do you know if he's okay?

I'm officially resigning
as relationship intermediary.

I'm for . First, McKay
and Ferrell, now you two.

You could call him.

I can't lock out Georgina.
She'll just hack her way back in

and who knows what
she'd post in retaliation?

I mean, how do you b*at someone
who's practically invincible?

Give her what she wants.
Georgina's a pit bull.

The more you struggle,
the tighter her jaws grip.

If you wanna get rid of her, go limp.

She'll get bored and find
something else to latch on to.

So, what, I just go back
to posting lies?

That didn't work the first time.

Give her that rivalry she wants
until she doesn't want it anymore.

But Julien's changed, thanks to me.

She isn't fighting with anyone anymore.

I don't understand
the point of you coming

if you're not gonna be supportive.

This was breakfast with my dad
who had big news to share.

The divorce was finalized what,
four months ago?

Don't you think it's fast?
Not to mention disrespectful to Kiki?

If they love each other so much,
why don't they just wait?

I don't know, Julien, but I am
so overwhelmed right now.

There is so much resting
on tomorrow for my mom

and I need to focus on that.

My dad said he would delay.
I trust him, okay?

He would never hurt me.

I... I need to be done
with this conversation.

WENDY FINEMAN-WALSH:
Julien not fighting?

♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

- (CLEARS THROAT)
- No.

Right in front of you the whole time,
simmering for seasons,

waiting for someone to stir the pot.

I can't do that to them.

Well, it's them or, in hours, you.

- On a scale of one to ten...
- Less than zero.

Yeah. I mean, he liked me
fine as her friend,

but as her boyfriend?
He, uh, he loathed me.

I mean, I may as well have been
a line cook or a busboy or a...

Entitled brat if you expected
to be immediately accepted

as the man debauching
the apple of his eye?

Yeah, but I am in her life now.

Okay? She loves him. She's into me.

How do I make this
a transitive property?

Stop caring.

This is my first relationship.
It wasn't easy getting here,

and there is no way
that I'm taking a backseat now.

Can you at least give it time?

He leaves for Paris tomorrow night,

which gives me one day

to show him how right
I am for his daughter.

And f*cking charming. Thanks, Luna.

Zoya. There you are.

Ms. de Haan? I was told the, uh,
head teacher wanted to see me.

Uh, she and I spoke
and have come to an arrangement.

I have a proposal for you,
one you should not pass up.

GOSSIP GIRL: Spotted. Constance's elite

finally making some moves of their own.

- ♪ (RAPID MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- GOSSIP GIRL: Moves to align.

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

- How'd you get in?
- Lewis owed me a favor.

I heard you were in town,
and I need your help.

(CELLPHONE CHIMES)

GOSSIP GIRL: To hold others accountable.

Seriously? I was cold to your dad,

so you lie to Gossip Girl about me?

You knew about my dad's affair
months before I did?

(SCOFFS) GG's messing with us,

- or someone is.
- (CELLPHONE CHIMES)

Really? Because "someone"
just leaked an email you sent

to your dad two years ago,

asking whether
or not you should tell me.

GOSSIP GIRL: And my personal favorite,

moves to the front line,

where I'll be posting up
a storm just for you.

- That didn't happen.
- But you did know about them

before I did, because you saw
them at Balthazar together,

didn't you? Right?

I did, but I never thought...

- Oh, my God.
- Audrey.

GOSSIP GIRL: The best part
of a duel is knowing

only one person survives it.

- Let the game begin.
- (KATE KELLER EXHALES)

Love what you've done.

I know you always wanted your own place.

What do you want?

This isn't me being Noble O,
Heidi. It's not, okay?

Closing down shelters,
cheating on taxes,

that's one thing, okay? But this?

Do you really expect me to turn
on Mom and Dad

over a little corporate greed?
We were raised on this sh*t.

It was practically our baby food.

Mom did more than use her power
to... to work a system.

Daniela k*lled herself
because of the situation

that Mom put her in,
and who knows what's next?

I'm not only here because
you're my sister, all right?

You are also a good person.

And this is different,
and I know that you know that.

Let's say I did agree

that maybe she went too far this time.

What could I possibly do about it?

Prove that it wasn't Daniela's idea

to bribe the engineer, okay?
It was Mom's.

- She could go to jail!
- Yeah, but, Heidi...

she's a billionaire, okay?

She gets arrested
and her money gets her off.

It's that simple. But at least
then she's under scrutiny

and maybe she changes her ways.

I'm sorry.

I can't.

♪ (PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

You know, I really thought
that you were different.

(SCOFFS)

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

She bought the engineer's silence

through the Navy Yard project.
That's how she hid the money.

Can you prove that?

♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

- Welcome back, Mrs. de Haan.
- Thank you, Chef Noz.

- Enjoy.
- Please.

ZOYA LOTT: Um, so, Mrs. de Haan,

why did you pull me out of school

to bring me to lunch? (CHUCKLES)

PEN America's luncheon is tomorrow.

Something I'd imagine
you'd have a keen interest in.

How would you like
my daughter's unused ticket?

Really?

There'll be a lot
of influential people there.

They're honoring, uh, Brandon Taylor,

Terrance Hayes, the Bergmann Foundation,

Gururaj Deshpande.
There will be authors,

playwrights, university deans.

I can help you shake the right hands.

Maybe even get you
in line for a scholarship.

ZOYA: Why me?

I mean, you barely even know me and...

to be honest, I'm not a big fan
of what you do.

That's fair.

But I'd like the chance
to get to know you

and for you to know me.

For us to, um,
both set aside our assumptions.

What do you say?

WILL: Well, about time you showed up.

Max. Did you go to Harvard?

Because that's the only way
they let you in here.

(CHUCKLES) My, uh, my bio mom
has something on Matt Damon.

So once inside,
I traded your usual partner

a Macallan for the privilege

of playing with you this afternoon.

Well, sounds like you got a raw deal.

Nonsense. I'm excited to spend
some quality time with you.

All right. Let's see what you got.

(GROANS, BREATHES HEAVILY)

Nine serving two.

(GROANS) Well played, sir.
I see where Audrey

gets her competitive edge.

Next time I want a compliment,
perhaps I should just

pull your string
and save you the effort.

Look, I'm just calling it as I see it.

Yeah. Every five minutes. I'm so spry.

I'm so strategic and fast.

Since I am all those things,
I know that this is just a make-good

for how you felt
you came across this morning.

Yes. I was worried that I...

I didn't leave the right impression.

Well, that's funny. (INHALES DEEPLY)

I felt like I learned everything
I needed to know about you.

Look, I have a lot of respect for you.

Uh, you've raised an amazing daughter.
And I care about her so much!

(GROANS) Oh, God...

As do I. (PANTS, SNIFFS)
I also love a good game.

I don't mind the smell of sweat.
But you...

You reek of desperation.

And that is something I cannot abide.

It's always covering up
for something, you know?

Insecurity. Doubt.

The feeling that you're not worthy.

Good game, Max.

Maybe try a little less hard next time.

♪ (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(EXHALES HEAVILY)

Great. Now I've lost my appetite.

- Seriously, Audge?
- You're acting like this was

some blind item. It was an actual email.

You think I would send an email
to my dad about that? An email?

Gossip Girl is a lot of things,

but she does not lie
when she has receipts.

She lies all the time.

You would say anything
to get out of something.

You act as if I haven't known
you your entire life.

- You want me to prove it?
- Yeah.

All those rumors that she started

at the top of the semester,
those were from me.

And most of them were lies.

What the f*ck? Are you serious?

You sent in that Max
was groomed by Rafa?

And that most of my bags
were from Canal Street?

And that you both hooked up in
the same room as her and Obie?

Well, that was true, but still.

Honestly, what is wrong with you?

I thought that it would make us better.

Hold us accountable.
Make us be nicer to each other.

AUDREY: And why should that be
your decision?

We are not some broken toys
that need fixing, Julien.

You're right. I was wrong.
I... I realize that now.

You realize that now?

Okay. I'm gonna go before
this gets even more offensive.

Let's go.

I understand if you're mad.

I'm pretty sure
that rumor's the only reason

no one's stolen my Bottegas
at Lovers Rock in ages.

I just wish Audge
could be as understanding.

It'll blow over. Just give it time.

(CELLPHONE RINGING)

(CELLPHONE CHIMES)

Jessica?

Oh, my God, Julien.
I'm sorry to call you like this.

I saw that email of yours
on Gossip Girl.

- Um, that was... that wasn't...
- JESSICA: I had no idea.

I feel so terribly about what
I've done to Audrey, to you.

Please let me make it up to both
of you on "Stop the Story."

I won't take no for an answer.

Uh... Okay.

Oh, my God. Yes!

Hey, but... but don't...
Don't tell Audrey about it.

I don't want her dad finding out.

I'll deal with him after.

Better to ask for forgiveness
than permission, right?

(LAUGHS, EXCLAIMS) I am so excited.

I'll text you where I'm staying.

♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

What does my mother want with you?

- I have ears everywhere.
- Right.

Um, she just wanted to invite me
to a fundraiser luncheon.

Not possible. I'm her plus-one.

She said you weren't interested.

I'm not. Neither is she, in you.

She's just...
She's just trying to get at me.

Look. I don't know your mom,
but I'm pretty sure she's not like that.

Well, have fun learning
I'm right the hard way.

Everyone else does.

- (PHONE RINGING)
- (SIGHS)

Loving your work today, friend.

The DMs, that fake email.

I knew you had a little Sparks
in your blood,

and not just because I gave you
that transfusion

while you slept.

You were right. I haven't been using GG
to its full potential.

Zuckerberg said
the same thing to me in .

What can I say? I have a gift.

You really do.

Uh, now, what do you say
we drop the whole

" hours or you'll take
Gossip Girl from me" thing?

GEORGINA: Let's not get
ahead of ourselves.

You still have hours to prove
to me that you're ready.

I'm ready. Really.

Basic Blair and Serena are going

to that whatever luncheon tomorrow.

That's when we get them
to go full Chernobyl in public.

Um, wow.
W... w... what are you planning?

GEORGINA: And ruin the surprise?

I wouldn't want you to try and stop me.

I wouldn't do that. You can tell me.

GEORGINA: Keep up those delicious posts

and maybe I will.

Here's a hint.

- (PHONE BEEPS)
- KATE KELLER: She hung up.

JORDAN GLASSBERG: Excuse me.

Sarah, right?

- Mm.
- Uh, Jordan.

We matched on Hinge this morning.

You liked that pic
of me dancing with my niece

- at the wedding.
- Jordan.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

What a crazy coincidence
running into you here.

(CHUCKLES) So crazy.

I... I was just headed out on a break,

but is there something
I can help you with?

I know it says teacher
on my profile. That's not a lie.

I am a teacher.
Well, I was until recently.

(LAUGHS) Now I work here.
It's a long story.

Do you like long stories?
I... I... I tell a lot of long stories.

I have all the time in the world.

How long is your break?

Oh. Um, like, uh, right now?

Let's see, uh, there's a Blue Bottle,

or a... a hole in the wall
around the corner,

- or we...
- Why don't we just go for a walk

- and take it from there?
- ♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

GOSSIP GIRL: Eve gets all the blame

for tempting Adam
with the forbidden fruit.

But let's be real,
it takes two to tango.

Keep your eyes on me,
followers, because tomorrow

I'll be pulling back the sheets

on the most illicit affair
to grace my page to date.

You have to admit,
she's got the voice down to a T.

What is she planning?

I have to find out. I have to stop her.

You have to keep calm and carry on.

Prove to Georgina that you can
be even more shocking

than she can,
and then she'll have to bow out.

That's not possible.

Disagree. She was right about one thing.

You have an evil genius inside of you.

Tap into her.
What would she make up next?

- (CELLPHONE CHIMES)
- (GASPS)

Looks like she won't have
to make up anything.

WENDY: Fun.

Hey, Stoppers,
your favorite truthteller here.

You can consider today's
"Stop the Story" a sequel

to the interview I did
with the designer Katherine Hope.

You remember when Kiki opened up

about the pain of watching her
marriage fall apart

when her husband fell in love
with her assistant.

Well, I'm here with that assistant.

- Jessica Bradley.
- Hi, everyone. Glad to be here.

Jessica asked me if she could do
a "Stop the Story" to apologize

for her behavior.

Jessica, my platform is all yours.

Let me start with that apology.

Kiki, if you're watching,

I never meant to fall for Will.

And the last thing I ever wanted
to do was to hurt the woman

I considered my mentor
and closest friend.

Yet that's exactly what happened.

There's no excusing it,
but for what it's worth,

my affair with Will
was strictly an emotional one

until he and Kiki separated.

Looking back now,
do you think there's anything

that you would have wanted
to do differently?

(SIGHS)

It kills me to think of the toll
my choices took on her.

Bringing on her breakdown.
Her loss of creative spark.

It's no wonder
she had to resort to stealing

designs I created
when I was her assistant,

including what she's debuting tomorrow

- at the PEN America luncheon.
- (SCOFFS)

I blame myself, really.

- (RECORDING STOPS)
- What the hell are you doing?

Giving you the full story.

I... Your whole thing
is radical honesty, right?

That was a lie.

I watched Kiki put those outfits
together herself.

Is that why you wanted
to do this with me?

So you could sabotage her?

I was just giving you my side of things.

When can I expect to see it posted?

Try never. Audrey was right.
I never should have come.

♪ (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

HEIDI BERGMANN: These statements
are the smoking g*n

and we're just handing them
to Gossip Girl?

You're doing the right thing.

Not looking forward to the blowback.

She's not gonna know it's us.

We leave for the airport tomorrow night.

So whatever she's doing,
she has to do it before then

because Germany will
never extradite her.

Tell Gossip Girl to post during
the fundraiser luncheon.

Okay, and I'll make sure I'm there
to see that it happens. Okay.

- (CELLPHONE RINGING)
- Obie, hey.

Hey. Uh, do you think
I could be your plus-one

to that fundraiser thing tomorrow?

Sure. Uh, why would
you wanna see your mom

get an award after all
she's done to you?

Uh, get exactly what she deserves?

I cannot think of anything
more cathartic. (CHUCKLES)

And it would be a nice way
to spend some time with you.

♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Yeah. Be nice to see you, too.

Things have not been so great
for me lately.

Yeah, me either, honestly.

Just tell me what to wear
and I'll see you there.

- (CELLPHONE CHIMES)
- GOSSIP GIRL: This just in.

Seems the Empress
has no clothes after all.

It appears that Audrey's mom's designs

were stolen from her own assistant.

If any of Manhattan's socialites
want to avoid

hari-Kiki tomorrow,

I'd steer clear of wearing
anything Hope-full

to the PEN American luncheon.

Don't believe me?

Look what story
the not-so-fair-and-balanced

JC tried to put the stop to.

Seems Julien Calloway's authenticity

- is just as curated...
- f*ck.

- GOSSIP GIRL: ...as she is.
- (CELLPHONE CHIMES)

Julien Elizabeth,
have you gone certifiable?

JULIEN: Jessica
was secretly recording me!

Why were you there in the first place?

She said that she wanted
to clear the air about things

that happened between her
and your parents.

She said she was on your side.

And you believed her?
Now you've let her spread lies

about my mom's line. I mean,
you've ruined her debut.

Not me. Gossip Girl.

No. You, for never listening to me

and always thinking you know best.

I did it because I care about you.

You don't care about me, Julien.

You care about me caring about you.

Is that really what you think?

- I gotta go.
- JULIEN: Audge, wait. Please...

No. I need to talk to Kiki
and tell her what you did.

(CALL DISCONNECTS)

♪ ("PRIVATE IDAHO"
BY THE B- 'S PLAYING) ♪

(PHONE RINGS)

♪ You're living in your own
Private Idaho ♪

♪ Living in your own... ♪

Okay. Uh, Aki is on his way.
Do not worry.

He will not be missing your big moment.

Okay.

- Ah, Mrs. Rose.
- There you all are.

I have been doing laps,
warming up the right people.

Now, just stick to the new plan.

- They won't know what hit 'em.
- New... plan?

Yeah, I thought we were here
to show the world

that Jessica didn't get to you.

Yeah. Well, Eleanor was offered
some unexpected help

and it just seemed wrong
not to take the opportunity.

And I just... I didn't tell you
'cause I didn't want you

to be upset or to interfere.

It involves Julien, doesn't it?

- Unbelievable.
- Hey, honey,

this is extremely important to me.

Exactly. That's why you should
not be trusting Julien.

- Oh my, God.
- Audge...

ELEANOR: (SIGHS)
It'll be fine. It'll be fine.

There's someone I want you
to meet right now.

- (GUESTS CHATTERING)
- (SIGHS) What the f*ck?

- Excuse me. Your...
- Waiting for a friend? Yes.

I was just gonna say your tag is out.

I figured you'd like to know
before you hit the photo op.

I'm waiting for a friend, too.

He's not nearly as beautiful as you.

Enjoy the luncheon, Miss La.

MAX: Every head is turning for you,

while I've become the Invisible Max.

(SIGHS) I told you,
the key is to not care.

I used to never care. Now I care
too much about everything.

I'm broken. I...
This relationship's broken me.

You're not broken. You're growing.

Will matters to Audrey,
so therefore he matters to you.

The problem is, you think
you have to be someone else

to get you to matter to him. You don't.

You know what? Giving a sh*t ends now.

Messy Max is back.

Are you sure
you don't wanna check this coat?

Or I... I could hold on to it.

(SCOFFS) And waste the moment on you

and the other guests
who arrived on time?

A big reveal at a photo op.

It's like it's
all over again. (GIGGLES)

♪ ("JUKEBOX" BY THE FLIRTS PLAYING) ♪

I can't wait to see what's under there.

It's very beautiful. I can assure you.

Very beautiful, indeed.

♪ So I saw you in the pizza place ♪

♪ You were with another girl... ♪

And now it's time for your big reveal.

- Huh?
- To start over. Reconnect.

I plan to. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

WENDY: You spent all night
researching Georgina's heyday

and all you have to show
for it is mommy issues?

I could have told you that.

The only people who've
ever had control over her

were her parents. They sent her
to a religious boot camp.

Hoping their daughter would
pray away the cray.

Newsflash. It didn't work.

- (CELLPHONE CHIMES)
- So you invited her mother?

Um, I couldn't find
any traces of her online,

although I wanted to.

But she doesn't have
to actually be here.

Georgina just has to think she is.

Once she sees who's sitting
next to her at her table,

she'll leave the party.
Maybe even the country.

Well, if she's as afraid of her
as you said she is,

she probably had her offed.

KATE: Jordan? (SIGHS)

Z, I didn't know you were gonna be here.

I didn't know you were, either.

Actually, Camille invited me
as her guest.

Camille de Haan?

Mm-hmm. I know. I myself was shocked.

I always thought of her
as this dark, malignant evil,

destroying everything
that's fair and good,

but, you know, she's actually
really smart and cool.

How do you know if you can trust someone

despite their reputation?

I like to believe that people act
with their best interest at heart.

Look, even Obie is making up
with his mom as we speak.

Even I'm here trying to make
things right with someone

that I hurt,
whether she knows it or not.

People can surprise you
if you just give them a chance to.

We just usually don't.
Or Gossip Girl doesn't let us.

Very true. Well, maybe one day
Gossip Girl will be gone

and we can figure things out on our own.

- I hope so.
- Yeah.

JULIEN: Good luck with Camille.

(SIGHS) Yeah. Thank you.
Good luck with Audrey.

(CHUCKLES)

ZOYA: Hi.

I had no idea
that Georgina Sparks was back.

Why didn't you tell me?

Wait. Is that why you...

Doesn't explain why you're here
in her place.

(SIGHS) She made me come.
She has some... leverage on me.

What?

It doesn't matter.
She threatened to leak it

if I didn't come as her proxy
and execute her plan.

It kind of matters.

KATE: What is her plan, exactly?

JORDAN: You know that blind
item she posted about an illicit affair?

It's about Julien and Aki.

(GASPS) They're sleeping together?

No, but she wants us to get pics of them

in a compromising position to post,

so the Audrey and Julien feud
blows up in front of everyone.

How the hell are we supposed to do that?

It's rohypnol.

Fun. Save me some for later.

- MAX: A rye dry Manhattan.
- Excuse me. I was...

Waiting here? So?

Hmm.

(CELLPHONE RINGING)

Entschuldigung.

I... I must take this.
I'll be right back.

Lucas, hello?

Gossip Girl hasn't posted
and we're wheels up in two hours.

Yeah, well, look,

I'm... I'm sure that it'll be
up shortly, all right?

I'm... Sh... she's probably
just waiting for the ceremony.

Or she's left you on read?
If she doesn't post before we go,

Mom will never step foot
in the States again

and completely get away with it.
I need a drink.

Ms. Harris, it is such an honor
to meet you. I'm Zoya Lott.

Hello, Zoya. This is my friend, Kurt.

Hi.

ALESHEA HARRIS:
Camille, great to see you.

- (CHUCKLES)
- I'm actually a writer myself...

So wonderful to see you
as well, Aleshea.

The three of us go way back.

We featured the de Haans' Hamptons house

in our Spring Design issue.

Wow. Um, I've read Is God Is
at least three times.

And I think it's so visceral
and just so beautiful

- at the same time.
- That is very kind.

- I'm so inspired.
- Greyson and I are so grateful

that you've joined the board
of the De Haan Art Foundation.

I'm grateful to have been asked.

Uh, did I hear you're doing a piece
on Maybeck in Berkeley?

Oh, we just sh*t
Dorothea Lange's former house.

(GASPS) One of my
favorite photographers.

- Did you see the show, um...
- Uh, Zoya,

let them enjoy themselves, okay?

No one here wants to talk shop.
Excuse us.

♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Did I upset you, Ms. de Haan?
I thought...

I thought the whole point
of me coming here

was to meet people like them?

No, the whole point of you coming here

was to teach my daughter a lesson.

Monet was right.

Just as I was right about her
finding a way to sneak in.

In order to witness this moment.

What moment?

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

Return to sender.

Champagne?

- Thank you.
- That's from a case.

They have Krug Grande Cuvée at the bar.

You seem like someone
who doesn't settle.

And yet you think you have a sh*t?

So, no fucks given
and still no progress.

Has it ever occurred to you

that it's okay if not
everybody likes you?

Oh, wow.

Has it ever occurred to you
that it's okay if someone does?

Mm-hmm. Verstehe. Danke.

Otto.

Unfortunately, we need to leave early.

There's weather on the way and the pilot

thinks it's best to go
before it arrives.

I'll speak to Michelle and I'll tell her

that you will be accepting
the award on my behalf.

I can think of no better way
to show we're still a family.

But you... you can't leave.

I'll be back. And please come home.

You should be living at the loft
where you belong.

There's Michelle.

I knew this was gonna happen.
Nothing ever works out with you.

- All right. Hold on. I...
- You are going to get caught,

like you always do.
You are going to get in trouble,

like you always do.
And when that finally happens,

you better not bring me down with you.

- Ready to go?
- (CHUCKLES)

Walk us out?

There has to be a way that
doesn't involve drugging teenagers!

Uh, we could trick them.

Tell Julien that Aki wants
to help clear the air

- between her and Audrey.
- Then what, convince them

to have that conversation
on top of each other?

- There's no other way.
- There has to be.

I've already lost my job. I've lost...

I can't lose any more.

I'm doing it.

MAX: I found some embarrassing old pics

- of Audrey's dad. Check it out.
- Seriously?

Wait... Go...

(LAUGHING)

♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Jessica's wearing my dress.

(GASPS) How is she wearing my dress?

ELEANOR: That's impossible.

She must have stolen the... the design

or... or was spying on me.

If Julien shows that dress, they're

going to think I stole it from her.

Go.

- Everyone.
- (GASPS)

JULIEN: Everyone, good afternoon.

Look.

No, no, no. We've got to stop Julien.

The pleasure is all mine.

Today, I will be debuting
a brand-new Kiki Hope...

AUDREY: Julien, no, you are not.

- Yes. I most certainly am.
- No, you are not.

- Your mother wants me to.
- Nobody wants you to.

- (GRUNTS)
- Audrey, don't.

- Stop it. Stop it!
- (FABRIC TEARS)

(ALL GASP)

- Oh!
- AUDREY: Oh, my God.

- JULIEN: What?
- (GASPS)

- (JULIEN GASPS)
- JESSICA: That's right!

Julien is wearing one
of my Jess Bradley originals.

I'm in the full-length,

but it's convertible, as you just saw.

Thank you to my muse
and my new stepdaughter

- for staging this reveal.
- (CROWD APPLAUDS)

Audrey, I'm so sorry. I had no idea.

I swear to God, I had no idea.
Audrey, please.

How did you know Julien
was going to wear that dress?

I was your assistant.

You really should change your passwords.

I thought you'd be proud.
Look how fast I knocked you off.

- (JESSICA LAUGHS)
- JULIEN: Audrey, no.

No, I didn't know!

(CROWD MUTTERING)

- You made me miss my chance.
- (SIGHS) Don't you see?

This is better now.
You don't have to do it anymore.

And JC and Audrey
had the public expl*si*n

Georgina wanted without her plan.

And what about the blind item?
She promised an illicit affair.

She's not gonna let that go.

You know what? She won't have to.

I think I know how to get rid of her.

You're not gonna like it. You might.

This was supposed to be
my debut for my line.

Is there anything
this woman won't take from me?

I'm afraid this is not the way
that you want to make a debut.

So we can look towards
Spring , maybe.

Wait, wait, wait. That's... that's it?

We're just gonna give up?

You want her to introduce
a line like this?

Top of Page Six?

You need to distance yourself from this.

You need to let her win this one.

No. She's won them all.

No, Mom...

Just...

I know you probably don't wanna hear...

Anything from you? You're right.

I didn't know what Jessica
was gonna do. How could I?

Because anything you try to do
always fucks up, Julien.

- You're blaming me?
- Yeah.

I tried to warn you about your dad.

You wouldn't listen.

- This isn't my fault.
- It never is.

It's Jessica's or Obie's
or Zoya's or Gossip Girl's,

but you're never the one
to take the blame.

Do you ever stop for a second and think

what the common denominator is
when something malfunctions?

It's you. Always you. Every time.

That's not f*cking fair.

Maybe it's not, but it's true.
You can never take a back seat.

Sit something out for once.

Let a single f*cking thing happen

without making it into your own show.

A shitshow written by,
directed by, and starring you.

But I am done. I am not buying
a ticket anymore.

I need a break.

And not like before.

I need a real break from you.

I want you to stay away from me.

You're just... You're just too toxic.

♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

- (CELLPHONE BUZZES)
- (GASPS)

- Georgina.
- What the f*ck happened?

Did you accidentally roofie yourself?

Aki left before we could do anything.

And you promised an affair,
so I had to post something.

Literally any other two people
at that event

would have been better.

My bad.

GEORGINA: Reporting on teachers?

You've tainted Gossip Girl forever.

I want nothing to do with it or you.

You really disappointed me, Keller.

(SIGHS)

She's gone. She's really gone.
You're a genius.

Oh, I wouldn't go that far.
I'm just... fluent in crazy.

We spoke it at home growing up.

Hmm. Well, let's go find Jordan
and tell him the good news.

(KEYBOARD CLICKING)

Hmm.

♪ (VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Hey.

Congratulations on your new line
and your new last name.

We got married last night.

WILL: Yeah. Sorry, honey.
I couldn't wait.

And once you mentioned this event...

It was too good for us to pass up.

Dad, this is not who you are.

She's turned you into someone else.

Or your mother
was the one holding me back.

Now that I'm away from her
mental health issues,

which conveniently arose every time
I was unhappy with her,

I'm finally able to be
who I'm supposed to be.

You wanna join us?

I mean, it was a rye dry
Manhattan, right?

Wow. I can't... (CHUCKLES)
I can't believe that I spent

the last two days trying
to get you to like me.

Because that was never gonna
happen, was it?

Because...

Because you don't even like yourself.

And you are determined to make

everyone around you
miserable as a result.

We should go.

♪ (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

He isn't in the dining room
and he's not answering any of my texts.

Mine either. That kiss must
have really f*cked him up.

He's not the only one.

- Wait.
- (SIGHS)

Are you saying...

- (CELLPHONE CHIMES)
- Jordan?

Georgina. "You didn't think I'd
depart without a bang, did you?"

(CELLPHONES CHIMING)

GOSSIP GIRL: Spotted.

MDH stirring a little sh*t
like the little sh*t she is.

Sex-shaming poor little Z?

Monet must really be over if
she's pulling such a millennial move.

She was supposed to be on my side.

Siding with a sex shamer?
Even Gossip Girl has standards.

MONET DE HAAN: (WHISPERING) Oh my God.

Can you get through one party
without some childish stunt?

It's bad enough you crashed,
but you had to add misogyny to the mix?

GOSSIP GIRL: This semester's
power grab has been powered down.

The only queen we've ever
cared about is Calloway.

Monet de Haan, you're dismissed.

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

You had good intentions, Jules.

And when she calms down,
Audrey's gonna realize that.

I mean...

Honestly, f*ck it.

No matter what I do, I get nowhere.

Yeah. Tell me about it.

Do you want to, uh, maybe
get out of here?

Like us? (CHUCKLES) Me and you?

Yeah. Like us. Me and you.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

- So, what are you thinking?
- Oh, so many things.

Like, maybe Georgina wasn't all bad?

What she did to Monet
was kind of genius.

Speaking of,

what were you gonna say
about kissing Mr. Genius Bar?

That I felt something.

How could I not?
He's literally put himself

on the line for me a million times.

- I don't deserve him.
- You don't. But he doesn't care.

Go tell how you feel.

Go.

Finally.

(EXHALES HEAVILY) All right.
Do you need anything else?

Water? Comfier clothes?

Time machine?

(CHUCKLES) How far back can you take it?

(CHUCKLES) Hmm.

Depends. How far back do you need to go?

Too far.

Back to before you and I broke up.

Before Gossip Girl.

Yeah. I am... so sick
of hearing that name.

Yeah. She gets to wreak havoc

without any
of the consequences, unlike us.

Do you even remember life before her?

No, I don't, actually. (CHUCKLES)

No. Maybe...

we should just pretend
to go back before she existed.

You know, before I...

started this w*r with my family.

Before I tried to run away
from who I am.

Before I hurt you.

Before I hurt you.

(INHALES)

Okay. What do you think we'd be doing

right now, back then? Like...

before?

Probably just sitting here like this.

Maybe just a little closer
though, you know?

♪ (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

And just talking. Just like this.

Or not just talking like this.

Obie...

♪ (SOFT MUSIC FADES) ♪

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

GEORGINA: Kate!
Funny running into you here!

(SIGHS) If you're here
to do something awful,

just do it to me
and leave Jordan out of it.

Cute.

You think this was about you?
It's about me.

And trust me,
Jordan did not feel left out.

- You and Jordan?
- We f*cked.

Before I threatened him.
It was surprisingly satisfying.

It's always the quiet ones, right?

I told him I would tell you
if he didn't do what I said.

- That was the leverage?
- You tainted Gossip Girl.

And I tainted Jordan.

I told you I would go out with a bang.

(KISSES)

AUDREY: Mom, let's just forget about it.

Everyone else will have
by tomorrow anyway.

We can... we can take a look
at some of your other designs,

find... find something new
to take to Eleanor...

God, stop.

Just stop. You need
to let this go, okay?

It is done. All of it.

My career, everything.

- AUDREY: Mom.
- Look, honey, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

But I need you to leave me be, okay?

Please.

- Mom.
- Please!

♪ ("SOMEONE TO BLAME"
BY DIXIE PLAYING) ♪

♪ Everyone needs someone to blame ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ And this time think it's gonna be me ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Guess you need
Another villain for your story ♪

♪ God knows without it
That sh*t would be boring... ♪

Hey.

♪ 'Cause everyone needs
Someone to blame ♪

(SIGHS) Well, you missed a fun luncheon.

♪ Guess you can blame me... ♪

Where once again, I trusted someone
and once again, they hurt me.

I know what you're gonna say and...

I don't think you do.

♪ Now I'm dreamin' of peace... ♪

Zoya, I'm sorry.

I should have never accepted
that job and Davis's money.

I've lost myself.

I've lost myself, too.

♪ ...when it's really not that bad ♪

Hey, maybe we can remind
each other of who we used to be.

♪ And it really makes me sad ♪

I've missed you.

♪ Everyone needs someone to blame ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ And this time
Think it's gonna be me... ♪

- KATE: Hello?
- WENDY: How'd it go with Jordan?

It didn't.

Sorry. Well, I guess
time to start thinking

about your first post back.

What if Georgina's right?

What if I pulled too many punches,

played it too safe?

I mean, maybe there
is an evil genius inside of me.

You like to be right, not rotten.

Can't I be both?

It's time we set our sights
on bigger fish.

When you catch the predators,
the small fish get to thrive,

grow bigger themselves.

- What do you have in mind?
- I wanna be an apex predator.

Which is what I should have been
doing all along.

No more Harriet the Spy.

It's time for Jurassic f*cking Park.

(SIGHS) Are you with me?

Well, I'm always down for a good time.

How do we start?

♪ So I guess you can blame me ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ I guess you can blame me... ♪

(CELLPHONE VIBRATES)

♪ Everyone needs someone to blame ♪

♪ To make up
For their f*cking mistakes ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Guess you need
Another villain for your story ♪

♪ God knows without it
That sh*t would be boring ♪

♪ 'Cause everyone needs
Someone to blame ♪

♪ So I guess you can blame me ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ I guess you can blame me ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ I guess you can blame me ♪