04x17 - Mama Gets the Bird

[bunniefuu]

- Oh!
- Oh.

Lord, what a scorcher!

I just still can't believe
Uncle Oscar is gone.

Well, he lived a
long, full life, grandma.

What are you talkin' about?
He was struck down in his prime.

Mama, he was 92 years old.

Well, from where I'm sittin',
that's just about middle age.

Oh-wee, You'd have
thought there'd have been

a cool breeze off of that lake

but no, just hot air
and mosquitoes.

Nonetheless, Ray Lake was
a lovely setting for the service.

I've never been to a
funeral on a boat before.

Well, that's the way
Uncle Oscar wanted it.

He made it really big with
his boat-rental business

out there on Ray Lake

so it's only natural
that he be buried there.

I thought it was so touching
the way his ashes floated

along the ripples of the water.

Yeah, but it kind of broke
the mood when that water-skier

slalomed right through him.

At least she was
wearing a black bikini.

Oh, poor Oscar.

He was right here in this very
house no more than a week ago.

Now he's gone, I don't think
I'll ever be the same again.

Who wants a beer?

I do!

Don't try to take advantage
of my grief, mister.

You'll have iced
tea, and you'll like it.

Oscar's death has
really hit Thelma hard.

I guess so. He was
her favorite uncle.

Why was that? That
man was such a weirdo.

You'd be too if you'd spent
all that time alone on a boat.

A "little weird?"

He dressed up as a
pirate every day of his life!

He wore a black eye
patch and said things like,

"Shiver me timbers!"

Face it, he was a nut case.

Oh, Skeeter, nut
case is a little strong.

Vinton, his best
friend was a parrot!

What other kind of pet would you
have on a boat, a French poodle?

Oscar may have
had his little quirks

but that's what made
him such a success.

Yeah, everybody loved him
on those TV commercials.

"Avast, me hearties!”

"I'll walk the plank
to rent you a boat.”

"Arr!"

And then his
parrot, Captain Petey

would say, "Awk! Come on down!"

Oh, the late-night movie just
won't be the same without him.

Now that Oscar's dead
what's going to happen

to his Jolly Roger Rentals?

I have no idea.

Oh, I bet he leaves
it all to you, mama.

You were his favorite niece.

Wow! We could own our
own boat-rental business!

Me and Uncle Vint could take
turns wearing the pirate suit!

Mama, can I go first?

Shut up, you two knotheads!

I don't want to hear another
word about Oscar's business.

Yeah, what we ought
to be concentrating on

is his fortune.

Fortune? What fortune?

Well, Cousin Cora
said she heard him say

he had stashed away bars of gold

a hidden treasure.

Oh, Oscar was just
pullin' her fat leg.

He knew all she was
interested in was his money.

Well, somebody's
got to get it, mama.

- Yeah, it might as well be you.
- Not another word!

I don't care what I do
get or what I don't get.

Just knowin' Oscar was
reward enough for me.

When is the readin'
of the will, Thelma?

Tomorrow mornin', 9:45.

No, no, no, Bubba.

A bowline comes
down through the loop.

Boy, runnin' a boat business
is sure gonna be complicated.

I don't even know
my fore from my aft.

Champagne on ice to
celebrate Thelma's good fortune.

Champagne? This
early in the mornin'?

Well, sure, baby.

That's when all the
rich people drink it.

That's true.

I read that Joan Collins
rinses her mouth with it

when she brushes her teeth.

I bet grandma's gonna
be doin' better things

with her money than that.

Yeah, she's gonna
spend it all on us.

Mama!

Well, what the hell
are all of you starin' at?

What's the matter?

Didn't Uncle Oscar
remember his favorite niece?

Oh, yeah, he
remembered me, alright.

- Is it the boat business?
- Or did he go for the gold?

- What'd he leave you, Thelma?
- He left me in the lurch!

Get a load of this.

Come on down!

You mean, all Uncle Oscar
left you was Captain Petey?

Oh, no, there's also a
year's supply of parrot chow.

What about the boat business?

Oh, he left that to Cousin Cora.

She left that office
grinnin' from ear to ear

just like jaws swimmin'
back from the beach.

Well, what about
the bars of gold?

Did Cora get those too?

Bars of gold? Bars of gold?

Oh, shut up!

There were no bars of gold!

The nerve of Oscar
leavin' me this flyin' fleabag.

Don't say that, Miss Harper.

I think Captain
Petey's kind of cute.

Not so bad yourself, sweetheart!

Isn't he adorable?

It's just like he
understands me.

Oh, great, Naomi, you've
finally found someone

you can converse
with on your own level.

Hey, toots, wanna neck?

Ooh!

That bird cracks me up!

- Mama, can we keep him, huh?
- Oh, no, you don't.

I ain't about to have
another bird in my house.

Don't you remember when
Eunice just had to have that canary?

Buttercup, yeah. We loved him.

Yeah, for two days,
until the new wore off.

Then I was the one
changin' his little water dish

changin' his little newspaper

and scrapin' off
his little trapeze.

We'll help take care of
him, grandma, honest!

Forget it, Bubba.

When I find a store
fool enough to take him

it's bye-bye, birdie.

Oh, no, not the cover!

Button up, blabbermouth!

Thelma, maybe you shouldn't
go against Oscar's wishes.

Maybe he was tryin' to
tell you somethin' by leavin'

Captain Petey with you.

Yeah, I know what he was sayin'

"I'm leavin' everything to Cora,

"and I'm givin' you the bird."

Yeah, I understand
what you're sayin'...

Just a minute. Will
you put a sock in it?

A pet store could never
have too many birds.

Besides, I'm offerin'
you a real celebrity here

Captain Petey.

Captain Petey! The one
on all the TV commercials!

He wears the little
pirate hat and says...

Says, "Come on down!"

Hello?

Hello!

Well, how do you like
that? Everybody's a critic.

Pretty bird! Pretty bird!

Yeah, pretty
messy, if you ask me.

Look at your food. It's all
over my rug down there.

No wonder nobody wants you.

This is all I need
around here...

another birdbrain
to clean up after.

Looks like a full moon tonight!

Alright, you, that is
just about enough!

I'm about this close to turning
you into "Parrot McNuggets."

You can't say anything nice,
just don't say anything at all.

To Thelma Harper,
the niece I love best.

Yeah, well, that's more like it.

To Thelma Harper,
the niece I love best

I leave all the gold
in my treasure chest.

What did you just say?

Looks like a full moon tonight!

Not that, you dumb cluck!
The part about the gold!

To Thelma Harper,
the niece I love best

I leave all the gold
in my treasure chest.

Oh, my Lord.

Oscar really did
have bars of gold

and he's left them all
to me! Vinton! Naomi!

Get in here, quick!

Bubba! Come on down here!

Iola! Quit waterin' your
lawn! Get your buns over here!

Alright, Petey,
darlin', now, listen here

Uncle Oscar left me
the gold, but where is it?

For the pot of gold
at your rainbow's end,

just follow the clues from
my fine, feathered friend.

Oh, so that's why Oscar
left me this wonderful bird.

God bless you, Oscar!

God bless you, Petey.

Miss Harper, what is it?

Grandma, are you okay?

Okay? I'm on top of the world!

Knock, knock. Thelma,
this had better be important.

My Azaleas are dyin' of thirst.

This is only the
most important thing

that has ever
happened in our lives!

Petey, go ahead. Tell 'em.

Pretty bird.

Pretty bird.

Mama, I think he
said that before.

No, no, no! He just gave
me a message from Oscar.

There really is a treasure,
and Petey knows where it is.

Go ahead, sweetheart, tell 'em.

Pretty bird. Pretty bird.

Yeah, you're a pretty bird!
We've established that!

Now, get on with it!

I think the funeral has
been too much for you.

Poor thing, you've
been under such a strain.

Yeah, grandma, maybe
you better lie down.

Get your hands off
me, you big goon!

I know what I heard!
It was all in a rhyme!

He said, "To Thelma
Harper, my favorite niece

I'm leavin' all the gold,
and the bird has the clues."

Mama, that doesn't rhyme.

That's not the
poem, you numbskull!

I'm just tryin' to
give you the gist of it!

Petey, if you
don't spill your guts

I'm gonna spill 'em for ya!

To find Thelma's gold,

you won't have to roam.

It's right where you are.
There's no place like home.

Holy cow! It is true!

Ooh, Oscar did leave
you his bars of gold!

There you go, I told
you I wasn't bonkers!

Well, I never thought
that you were, Miss Harper

not for one minute.

Don't start kissin' up to me
just 'cause I'm an heiress.

You're not rich yet, grandma.
We gotta find the gold first.

Well, no problem there.

If we just think this
thing out logically.

Now, Captain Petey just said

"It's right where you are.
There's no place like home."

What was he tryin' to tell us?

You jackass!

The gold is right
here in this house.

I'll bet Uncle Oscar hid it
here when he visited last week.

Yeah, he brought
that big overnight case.

That thing could have
been filled with bars of gold!

But where would he have hidden
that much gold in this house?

Surely you'd have
found it by now.

Not if it's all over the place.
A bar here, a bar there.

- Just like an Easter-egg hunt!
- Goodness gracious!

This house is full of nooks and
crannies, it could be anywhere!

Well, don't just sit
there complainin'

get out your picks and
shovels, the gold rush is on!

Well, the only
treasure I found in here

is a leg of lamb from 1984.

Thelma, we have checked out

every major and minor appliance

every pot, every pan,
every condiment container

I think we can safely
rule out the kitchen

as the hidin' place
for Oscar's gold.

Where in the world can it be?

Two solid hours of
tearin' this kitchen apart

and what have we
got to show for it

the galley from "The
Poseidon Adventure."

Well, look on the bright side

I found those thread-spool
corncob holders

I made for you last year.

Oh, now, that is a blessing.

What in the world
they were doin'

at the bottom of that
broom closet, I'll never know.

Well, there's no
gold in the basement.

I took everything
out of the drawers

pulled everything
out of the closet

and yanked the
mattress off the bed.

Oh, yeah?
Straightened up, did ya?

Miss Harper, I am in no
mood for your snide comments.

Besides, what would
an old man like that

want to go into my
boudoir for anyway?

Beats the hell outta me, I don't
know why Vinton goes down there.

Oh!

Now, ladies,
ladies, we're all tired.

Why don't we just go in the
living room and sit a spell?

Good idea.

All this mess just
brings me down.

I'm gettin' lower every minute.

Oh, my, I forgot it was
a disaster in here, too

Yeah, looks like we got
hit by Hurricane Petey.

"Cleanliness is
next to Godliness."

You're gonna see God
if I don't find that gold.

Aunt Naomi, I
found it! I found it!

Hallelujah! I knew this boy
would come through for me!

- Where is it, Bubba?
- Right here!

What is that, a
gold certificate?

No, it's Mimi McCormick's
phone number!

I've been lookin'
for this for weeks!

- Gimme that!
- Grandma!

You're not callin' any chippy
until you find my gold for me!

Oh, face it, Miss Harper,
there isn't any gold.

I think Uncle Oscar
was just sendin' us

on a wild-goose chase.

Our problem here
is not a wild goose

it's this tongue-tied
bag of feathers.

Pretty bird.

Will you please quit makin'
goo-goo eyes at yourself

and tell me where my gold is?

It's not in the parlor
or kitchen, oh, no.

Now you tell us!

Examine the outside.

The gold's buried below.

It's outside!

Well, come on, everybody!
He buried it in the yard!

Ah, forget it. I
looked all over.

It's not out there.

Well, it's got to be!
Petey will show us.

Come on, Petey, I don't want
to leave a single stone unturned.

Believe me, I've turned just
about every stone there is.

Oh, my Lord!

What in the world have you
done to my beautiful lawn?

Oh, Thelma, your shrubbery.

And all your pretty flowers.

Ah, the flamingos
don't look so hot either.

What is the matter
with you, you nitwit?

Mama, Petey told me to.

He said the treasure
was buried outside.

You know how
persuasive that bird can be.

Yeah, Miss Harper,
it's not Vinton's fault.

It's Petey's.

Alright, my fine, feathered fink

where's my gold?

It's not 'neath the garden,
the lawn, nor the tree.

This bird is really
startin' to tick me off.

But open the cage, and
a surprise you will see.

Is that it, Petey? You
through with the poem?

'Cause if you got another stanza

now would be a real
good time to spit it out.

Pretty bird! Pretty bird!

Go ahead, grandma.
Open up the cage.

Yeah, Thelma, come
on, find the surprise.

Surprise, surprise!
Adios, amigos!

Petey! Petey! Come back!

Will you look at
that little sucker go?

And with him, our fortune!

Come back here,
you little sneak!

You can't do this to us!

Oh!

That dirty bird!

Well, that does it! The
treasure hunt is over!

Vinton, take this damn
cage and put it in the garbage!

Next bird in this
house had better be

in a bucket from the colonel!

Well, that's the
last box, grandma.

And the dining room
is all back in order.

Yeah, it's finally startin' to
look like my showplace again.

Yeah, and to think it
only took us a week.

Oh, well, Thelma, your
kitchen is all shipshape again.

Oh, by the way

I put those corncob holders
right on the window ledge

so you can enjoy them
the whole year 'round,

not just in the corn season.

I'm eternally grateful.

Mama, the yard
is back to normal.

I just set the last
flamingo in place.

- And here is the mail.
- Thank you, baby.

Well, what the...

It's a letter from Uncle Oscar.

- Uncle Oscar?
- That's impossible.

Maybe it's from the
dead-letter office.

"Dear Thelma

"I asked the lawyer to
send this letter to you

"a week after my death.

"I wanted to give
you plenty of time

"to solve the mystery
of my bars of gold.

"I probably made
it too easy for you

"but just in case I didn't

"here's the answer."

Oh, baby! We're gonna
inherit that money after all!

What's this "we?" The
letter's addressed to me.

Go on, Thelma.

"Petey told you there's
no place like home

"because that's where
I hid the treasure.

"All you had to do was examine
the outside of Petey's home

"to see that beneath
the black paint,

"the bars of his
cage, were solid gold!"

That is what he
meant by bars of gold!

"Thelma...

"at today's market value

"Petey's cage is worth
more than $50,000!"

Vinton, what did you
do with that cage?

You told me to throw it out.

But you never do
anything I tell you to!

I do too. Just last week, I
painted that back fence...

Never mind that!

Where is that cage?

I threw it in the garbage,
like you told me to!

Well, we have
got to get it back!

Well, it won't do any good.

They picked up the
garbage last Friday.

Oh, for pity's sakes.

Oscar, why didn't you just
leave a map with an X on it

like any self-respectin' pirate?

Ooh! Thelma, wait a minute!

All we have to do is call
Frank the garbage man!

He can tell you right
where he dumped it!

Well, that's right! Frank
can get it back for us!

He's the best garbage
man we have ever had.

Thank goodness I
remembered him last Christmas.

How much did you
send him, grandma?

I wouldn't insult that
man by givin' him money.

I gave him that
God-awful fruitcake

the insurance company
sends us every year.

Hello?

I would like to speak with
one of your collectors Frank.

Y-yes! Yeah, that's him,
mustache, nice smile.

Ye...

Say what?

Well... when was this?

I see.

What is it, Miss
Harper? Where's Frank?

He's retired.

Seems he suddenly
came into $50,000

and moved to Tahiti.

Well, maybe we can write to him

and find out where
he put our cage.

He put our cage in
the bank, you moron!

I swear, the closest I'm
ever gonna get to a fortune

is watchin' Vanna
White flip things!