02x01 - La Couchette

[bunniefuu]

Bonsoir et bienvenue a bord
ce train SNCF a destination de

Bourg-Saint-Maurice qui arrivera
a 7 heure quarante demain matin.

Schuldigung.

Ach, verdammter mist!
Could you close the window, please?

Eh? Schliessen sie
das fenster, bitte?

Oh, de-da-de-da-de-da...

Oh, it's here, look.
Where? Here. Number nine.

Oh, God, there's people
in here already. So?

They're asleep.
It's a sleeper train.

What do you expect them to be doing?
Playing ping pong?

Keep your voice down. Sorry.

Er, I'll just put these away.
Well, what about these?

Don't want them all
creased up for the wedding.

Well, hang them up. Find the ticket,
see which ones are ours.

Just get on with it, would you?
I'm trying to sleep. Yeah, sorry.

Here, they've got sinks for brushing
your teeth - but the water's brown.

I don't trust it.
Which one's ours? I can't see.

I'll put the big light on.
Les! Oh!

I think it's these top two,
but there's someone in that one.

Oh, you're joking... Well, it's all
right, we'll just take these two.

No, I want to go on the top!
Les, you're not six!

It's the only thing
I was looking forward to.

What, more than your daughter's wedding?
Let's just wake him up.

No! I've already disturbed
this gentleman.

We'll both go in this one, if you're
that fussed. Be an adventure.

It's not the Crystal Maze, you know?

What did she want to get
married in France for, anyway?

Could have had the back room
at The Cheese for free.

Because she wanted to wake up
in the French mountains, Les -

not in a pub garden in Bury.

They'd have put on a good spread.

And they'd have an artist on at the
night do. They'll do a good spread here.

You're in France - cuisine capital
of the world.

Yeah, well,
I'm not eating frogs' legs.

Oh, shut up about that.
You have crab's dicks. What?

You - you eat crab's dicks
in the pub.

That's "crab sticks", you idiot.
What's a crab's d*ck?

Well, I don't know. I thought they
were big. Would you be quiet, please?

Sorry, love. We're just
sorting ourselves out.

Yeah... No...

Oh, me too, babe.
I absolutely stink.

Haven't had a shower since Prague.

Oh, f*ck knows. Hold on...

Awesome. Excuse me,
does anyone know what country we're in?

You're in France, love.
Oh, my God, we're in France!

What happened to Austria? Yeah, right...

Hold on, hold on...
I'm going to go out in the corridor.

Yeah, I'm in the er, couchette.
No, it's like a room.

Yeah... Basically a hostel on wheels.
It's so f*cked.

No... Could you
close the door, please?

Excuse me? Excuse me!

Ridiculous!

Come on, let's get undressed.
Ah, yeah.

You...

What you doing? I can't...
I'm just trying to help!

Shh!

What are you doing?
Get your head out!

It's no good. We'll have to have to
wake him up. No! There's no room!

Hey, excuse me. Ah, was ist...?
Er, you're in our bed.

Huh? Er...you are in my wife's bed.

Ja? Ja. Is that OK?

Ja, warum nicht? Komm...

Oh, no, no, no, no, not with you.
You have to go down.

Ja, das klingt gut, ja. Don't give
him any ideas. No, er, here...

Er, er... 9D.

9D. Sie sind in der falschen bett,
sie mussen bewegen!

Was hat das mit ihnen zu tun, ha?
Sie haben die Fahrkarte!

Was fur einen unterschied macht es?
Ich bin schon in bett!

Weil ich nicht schlafen kann!
We've started World w*r Three here.

Das ist lacherlich...
Verdammt lacherlich...

Hey, watch those suits, pal.
The suits! Ignorant. Les!

Well, look at him - Baba Papa.
Thank you, sir.

We don't mean to cause a fuss, but it's
better to get it sorted, isn't it?

Look, I have a very important
interview tomorrow morning.

We have 8 hours and 42 minutes
before we arrive in Bourg-Saint-Maurice.

I should like to spend the
majority of that time sleeping!

Yeah, so would we. Sorry.
Go on, Les - shift yourself.

Oh, why do I have to go in?
It's all sweaty and horrible.

The gentleman's just told you
he's trying to get some sleep.

I'm going to hang these
suits up first, aren't I?

Hey, hey, hey? These are
for our daughters' wedding.

Verpiss dich! Ah, you pig!

Oh, please!

I'll be quiet now. Ah!

Oh, it stinks!

Night, night.

Les! I know, it's my travel alarm.

Turn it off.
Only lasts 30 seconds. Be over soon.

Not long, now.

Les! Told you.

Just down here.

Excellent. This is actually
much nicer than first class.

Seriously? Yeah. It's a lot more real,
if you know what I mean?

Here.

This actually reminds me of a hostel
I stayed in, out in Phuket.

The toilets were disgusting. I love
all that sh*t. Have you done India?

Oh, yeah, it was awesome. I got
hepatitis. Really? A or B? Only A. Oh.

Still, my friend Callum
got typhoid in Mumbai.

His parents had to pay for an
air ambulance to get him out.

It was like The k*lling Fields.
sh*t! Was he OK?

Yeah - he lost like 3st. He was really
pleased. He was a bit of a blob.

So, um... What are your
impressions of Europe, so far?

Oh, I just love all the history
and buildings and stuff.

Mm, what have you seen?

Um, what's the one in Belgium,
of the little boy with his d*ck out?

Le Mannekin Pis. Er, designed by
Hieronimus Duquesnoy in 1688, I think.

Yeah, I climbed over the railings and
got a picture of it pissing in my mouth.

Wow, you're so vile - I love you.

Well, if someone lends me their
toilet paper, I'm anybody's.

There's plenty more
where that came from.

Oh, f*ck. I keep forgetting
there's other people in here.

Shall we go to your carriage? Er...
No, actually, it's better here, yeah.

It's a right giggle.
It is, now you're here.

Mmm, barbecue sauce.

So erm, how have you found
the men, from country to country?

Not that I'm implying you're a slag -
or maybe you are. I don't know?

No, I am. You could say
I've covered a lot of ground.

Ah, OK. Who comes out on top?
Well, that depends -

whether we're in the marshy
wetlands or the arid desert.

Can't actually think of a desert in
Europe, other than Tabernas in Spain.

No, I meant up the shitter. Right, good.

Are you much of an explorer?

Er, well...
I can be quite adventurous.

Pot-holing in Derbyshire
was properly intense.

So you're used to going in
pretty deep, then?

Ah, it depends how cavernous
we're talking. Ooh!

Fasten your seat belts, it's going to
be a bumpy ride! What's the matter?

Oh, my God! What's going on?

He's dead! Someone put big light on.

What's going on? Who are you? I...I
was just having a night cap with...

Sorry, I forgot your name...

Shona. Shona. When, er...
this chap fell out of the sky.

Get out of my way. I'm a doctor.

Was ist passiert? Sind wir angekommen?
Dieser Mann aus dem bett gefallen.

I thought he was very quiet.

Is he all right, bud? He's dead.

Shittington.

He appears to have some sort
of lesion, or blister on his face.

Could be erysipelas...
Oh, God, sorry. No, that's...mine.

I'll just keep that, take that
for later. Fingers crossed, eh?

What do we do? I'll go and find a guard.
Everyone stay here.

Don't let anyone in or out.

Oh, ich fuhle mich schreklich.

What's he say? I don't know,
something about Shrek.

Ah, I thought he looked a bit green.
Oh, it was awful.

He was staring at me with
these horrible glazed eyes.

Sorry, it's just my sex face.

Do you want to come up here, love -
out of the way of it? Yeah, thanks.

Right, well, I'd better be
heading back to first class, so...

Oi, oi, hang on pal. Hang on.

That fella said we've got to
wait here, till the guard comes.

Oh, I just didn't want
to get... Shirley? Shona.

Shona... Shona... into any trouble.
Late night romps, et cetera.

Is that what you were doing?
In a room full of people?

I'm sure you would have just slept
through it. You know about that, Kath.

Hey, what's he doing? Hey, hey! What's
the idea, pal? Ich suche ein reisepass.

Here, get your fingers out of him.

Er muss ein grossvater sein.

Oh, he had grandkids - look.

His poor family.
They don't even know yet.

Hey, it's like we're the kids in
Stand By Me. Bags I'm River Phoenix.

Good film.

Couldn't find anybody.
All the carriages are closed.

Oh, they're never around
when you need them, are they?

There has to be someone -
it's not Runaway Train.

Ich hatte einen Vorschlag.
Warum benutzen wir nicht den hier?

Oh, vielleicht das ist
nicht geboten.

Wass meinst du mit geboten -
der mann ist tot!

What are you saying? Speak English. He's
proposing we use the emergency stop.

Ya, genau. Can I do that?
I've always wanted to smash one of them.

Oh, don't cut your hands. No, I won't -
cos I'm going to use one of your shoes.

Hey, I got them from Next!

I haven't got a ticket! What? Can't
stop the train - I don't have a ticket.

I'm sort of a stowaway.
Was is los? Er hat kein fahrkarte.

Tun sie was sie woollen,
ich brauche mein bett.

You told me you were in first class.
Sorry, I lied.

I'm completely broke. You bastard! So
what, you just hang around the toilets,

waiting for an Australian slapper
to offer you a bed, is that it?

Yeah, pretty much. Well, listen -
I'm sorry pal, I'm smashing it. Oh...

We've got a dead body, here.
Well, I have to declare an interest.

Tomorrow morning, I have an interview at
the World Health Organization in Geneva.

What do you want,
a round of applause?

Well, if we stop the train,
there will be a major delay

and I will miss my appointment -

an appointment that it's taken me
18 months to arrange.

What are you saying, here?

Well, this man has been dead
for at least four hours -

another three or four
will not make any difference.

What - you want to just leave him there?
Well, I propose we put him back to bed,

continue the journey without
delay and have the guards

find the poor gentleman
first thing tomorrow morning.

Oh, that doesn't sound right. Don't they
have to examine the body, like a Quincy?

Exactly, yeah. They have to
find out the cause of death.

Apparently, when you hang yourself,
you get an erection.

Sorry, irrelevant.

There's nothing we can do for him.
It's probably a heart att*ck.

It really would mean the world to me

if we could just finish this journey
without interruption.

Sorry, am I going mad here?

Are you suggesting we all just
bunk up with a rotting corpse,

so you can make your interview
in the morning?

Yeah, it's ridiculous.
Smash the glass, Les. Right, er...

We have got our Leanne's
wedding tomorrow.

I mean, what if he's right
and we end up late?

Well, the day-do's not until 12,
we'll easily make that.

Will we, though? What if
they don't let anyone off?

He rolled out of bed dead, it's not
m*rder on the Orient Express!

Oh, another good film.

I'm fairly confident that if
we do alert the authorities,

we both will miss our
respective engagements.

Exactly! Look, they'll find him
in a couple of hours, anyway.

We'll be gone and that's that.
I have to say I agree.

Good. Well, I'll just explain
the situation to our German friend,

so we're all on the same page.

Oh, come on, Kath.
We've come all this way.

We don't want to let our Leanne down.

Will you give us a minute please, love?
Sure.

Do you want a hand? Are you still here?

Why don't you go back
to first class?

Well, I thought, now that
there's a spare bunk going,

I might as well get my head down
for a couple of hours. What?

Unless you want to pick up
from where we left off?

That's been on a dead man's face.
Have some respect.

S...sorry. Too soon.
I can't believe what I'm hearing, Les.

I don't know who you are.
Who are you?

Oh, look - I'm just a man who
wants to walk his daughter

down the aisle on her wedding day.

Yeah, having slept with a
dead body, the night before!

Been doing that for the last 25 years
It was a joke.

Oh, come on, Kath. If that
Aussie bird hadn't of screamed,

you have slept through
and been none the wiser.

We don't even know who the man is -
makes no difference to us.

Imagine if that was you -
slung in a corner and ignored,

because it's more convenient for
everybody else. Shame on you, Les Cook!

Yeah, do you not think
you're over-reacting?

No, I think I've just woken up.

Ich hoffe sie fuhlen sich besser. Ya.
Is he all right?

Yes, just a little bit
compacted, that's all.

Too much beer and bratwurst, probably.
That should get him moving again.

Now, I really do think we ought to put
the cadaver back where we found it.

Cadaver?
He was a human being, you know?

Sorry? He had a family.
He's not a piece of meat.

Ah, yes, of course... Would
anyone like to say a few words?

Yeah, I would.

This man...

was a husband, a father
and a grandfather.

He always had a smile for everyone...
and he had a wicked sense of humour.

Well, I mean... We don't actually
know that. I'm going by the picture.

Right.

He loved sitting in his green chair,

his family all around him.
Yeah, he loved to drink - who doesn't?

But the main thing is...

..he was a man.

That's it.

Great. Ah, good. Well, shall we, er...?

That's it.

Oh! Not my first time handling a stiff.
Boarding school.

There - and that leaves
3 hours and 52 minutes.

Good. Er, could you um get
the light please, Mrs, um...

Cook. Thank you.

Well, good night.

Shirley, did we decide to...
f*ck off. OK, right.

Hope you don't mind
a bit of spooning, pal.

Night, Kath. Kath?

You all right?

It's been a very moving service -
even the wedding cake was in tiers.

Er, yes... Leanne has known
Phil for 14 years now -

which is funny, because I don't remember
her breaking two mirrors. Shhh!

Oh, soz mate, soz.
I'm, er...practising me speech.

Oh... Getting a bit nervous.
Oh, I'm sure you'll do just fine.

Big day for both of us, eh?
What's your interview for?

Pharmaceutical development. Oh, right.

WHO are offering a sizeable grant

for research into the
degenerative effects of angina.

If my bid is chosen,
it could be life-changing.

Yeah, that's exactly
like me and my decorating.

When I give a quote for...
Well, back bedrooms, say,

I've got to think you know,
"What's the other fella coming in at

"and how can I undercut him
without looking like a twat?"

Do you know what I mean?

Yes, it's...similar.

Well, good luck, pal. I hope you get it.
I'm optimistic.

My Auntie Gladys had acute angina.

Her tits weren't bad either

Hey, do you remember that, Kath?
K...Kath? Where's she gone?

Ah! Scheisse!

You OK? Has anyone seen our Kath?
She's just disappeared. Get him off me!

Ach, ich muss scheisse...
Er, sorry love, have you seen me wife?

No, what's happened? She stopped
this train! She wouldn't do that.

What are you doing?
Ich muss scheissen!

Do you need the toilet?
Someone get him some paper. Ah, nein!

Hold on! There's something
on the tracks...

Hey, that's our Kath's shoe box. What
is it? I can't... Looks like a body.

What? Who? If she's jumped,
we'll be here for hours.

God, no! It's not her, is it?
I can't see.

Of course it's her.
The stupid cow's cost me my job!

Shut up, you! This is all your fault!
OK, keep still. Here it comes!

Stay away from me!
I can see they're bringing it out.

Oh! Try and aim away from the
dead man's face! I can see blood!

So can I!
Oh, you bastard! Leave me alone!

We're going to need a bigger box!
It's...it's a deer.

Les, what's happening?
And what is that smell?

You might need to get
some new shoes.

Well, that was just a 32 minute delay.
Not too bad at all.

Try saying that to all the little fawns
who've just lost their mother.

I'm sorry, I don't speak deer. I'm not
Dr Doolittle. Well, you are to me.

Is he OK?
Yeah, he's just hosing himself down.

God, that was pretty traumatic.
Yeah, he must be mortified.

No, I meant for me.
I felt like Augustus Gloop.

Thanks for lending me the T-shirt.
No worries.

I don't know how I'm going to
get it back to you. Well...

where are you headed to next?

I thought I'd lost you there, Kath.
Don't be daft.

I'm not going to k*ll myself on the
day of me daughter's wedding, am I?

You're feeling better about it now?

We've robbed that man of
dignity in his final moments

and for that, I will
never forgive myself.

You're not going to say anything,
are you? No.

But after the wedding,
I want you to find out who that man was,

where his family live and we're
going to go to their funeral.

That's what I want. Right.

Who's paying for that?
Right, well - we're off.

Enjoy the wedding. Oh, thanks love.

Hey, it's at the Pavillion Hotel
in Vallandry,

if you wanted to pop in for a drink?

Ah, no. I think we're going to
go exploring, aren't we? Yeah.

Can't wait to see those valleys.
Is someone going to...

Yes, I'll inform the guard.
Nice to meet you.

Mesdames et Messieurs, nous arrivons
bientot a Bourg-Saint-Maurice...

Well, er...
Good luck with your interview.

Oh, thank you. I hope you get it.
Yes, yes.

And if you ever need any decorating
doing... Ah yes, I have your card.

Hello? Come on, Les. Yes.
'This is Dr Maxwell?'

Yes, this is Dr Maxwell. 'I am your
driver. I am at the car park.'

Ah, yes... We're just pulling
into the station now.

Sorry about the delay.

'We're also waiting for the
other candidate, a Dr Meyer.

'He's on the same train.'

Really? Well, I'll keep
my eye open for him.

See you shortly.

I'm terribly sorry about all this,

but there really could only ever
be one candidate for this grant.

Goodbye, Dr Meyer. Ja?

Bitte? Ich bin Dr Meyer.

Nein, nein, er ist Dr Meyer.
Nein, das bin ich.

No, no, Dr Meyer was in 9B... Neun B...

I checked. Ich kann uberall schlafen.

Vielen dank fur die hilfe,
ich fuhle mich jetzt viel besser.

Ah gut, I... Ich habe heute
ein wichtiges interview.

Yes, so do I... Ah, Dr Maxwell!

Sehr gut!

Unsere auto ist hier, ja? Ja.

Ah, so wie sagt man auf Englisch?
"May the best man win"!