07x01 - Merrily, Merrily

[bunniefuu]

Laurence!

Oh, my God!

How are you?

Hey, Callum!

You're looking good!

I think the last time I saw you
was this century, wasn't it?

It was. Kenzie's wedding,
so June 2010.

Was it really?

Yeah. God, poor old Kenzie.

Poor Kenzie's wife.

Well, quite.
Are they still together?

No, no, no. He lives in Germany now.
We're Facebook friends.

Are you? Well, you know,
I don't do any

of that social media crap.
No, I noticed.

You didn't want to be Linkedln,
in spite of several attempts.

Bless you for trying,
Laurence, but I'm too old.

I prefer seeing people face-to-face.

Every 12 years.

HE LAUGHS Exactly.

Anyway,

can you give me

a hand with this?
Yeah!

It's very quiet.

You haven't lured me here under
false pretences, have you?

Closed for the winter.

A friend of Bonnie's runs it.
She let me have the key.

How is Bonnie?
Will we get to see her today?

Ah, yeah. Yeah,
she'll be... here later.

How's... your partner?

Pablo?

Oh, you know, we muddle through.

He's doing an online course
in fine art at the moment,

which is bewildering to me,
but never mind.

He'd have loved this.
Yeah. Beautiful, isn't it?

Remind you of the good old days?

Which good old days?

Uni!

We used to go for those big
walks round the lake.

Oh!

Yeah. A little bit.

So few places nowadays where
you can actually find peace.

Mmm.

Oi, oi, saveloy!
Brap-brap-brap-brap-brap!

Oh, Jesus, you never told me
Darren was coming.

I told you it was a reunion.
Hi, Dazza!

All right, lads? How are we?

Come here! Give us a hug!

Ohhh! So good to see you, mate!

Yeah, you too.

Hey, you've still got the old
university scarf, you saddo!

This is my third one.
They keep updating it.

I think this one
has got a slightly...

And Cal's all glammed up

in his Marks & Sparks
Blue Harbour gear.

Er, Hugo Boss, you cheeky sod!
What have you come as?

You look like a homeless
Shakin' Stevens.

Eh, it's the latest fashions.

Do they not have this
in that London, eh?

Eh? Eh? Eh?

Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh?

Ah!

It's been a while, hasn't it?

Kenzie's wedding, apparently.

Oh, God, yeah, course.
Is he coming?

No, no, he's in Germany.

It's just us three,

like in the good old days.
The three amigos.

What? I thought it was

like a big f*ck-off party
cruise with loads of people.

Sorry, have I got
the sh*t end of the stick here?

No, no, it's going to be great.

I've got it all planned. We're
going to get out on the lake

when it gets dark.

We've got so much to catch up on.

f*ckin' hell!
Anyone got a dock leaf?

I think I've just
stung me fanny on a nettle.

Sorry, "front bum".

Hiya!

Who's this?

It's me new bird, Donna.
I promised her we were

going out on a boat. We are.

Oh, sh*t...

Hello, hello. Hi.

I'm Donna. Pleased to meet you.

Laurence. Hi! Callum.

Hey, it's well nice here, innit?

Me mum's got a tray like this.
Wait till I tell her!

Hey, has the yacht
got an inside bit?

Cos I'm freezing
me tits off already.

Er, Darren,
could you give me a hand?

Oh, yeah, course.

What are you playing at?
The invite was for you only.

Well, I was trying
to impress her, wasn't I?

We've only been shagging
for a few weeks.

I wanted it to be
just the four of us.

It is!

What's the matter, Larry?
I wish you'd told me,

that's all.
It makes things very awkward.

It's awkward for me, an' all.

I thought it was all
plus-ones and wristbands.

She's missing her mate's
hen do for this.

So, does this take us
to the party boat?

Yeah. Yeah, just, er, jump on
the paedo and we'll be off.

You what?

We're just going to have
a quick go on the paedo.

You mean "pedalo".

Is that what it's called?

I thought they were called paedos.

I thought it was a bit weird!

Right, well, come on,
let's cast off.

Ladies first.

I'm not sitting in that.
The seats are all wet.

Actually, the cold water

will help with
your vaginal irritation.

Er, 'scuse me,
his name is Darren.

She got you!

Here we go. Whoopsie-daisy.

You ready? Bloody hell!
These are brand-new!

You all right? Come on.

Oh... Christ!

Here we go.

I haven't done this for years!

Hey, it's great, innit?

Going to be like Ibiza, babe!
Whoo-whoo!

Whoo-whoo!

Whoa, this is cool, isn't it?

It's charming.

Three Men In A Boat,
To Say Nothing Of The Dog.

Er, sorry, say that again.

It's, er, Jerome K Jerome.
Full title.

Only five minutes,
and he's calling me a dog.

Probably just admiring your puppies.

I thought you said he was, er...

Oh, no, that's me.

Oh! Could never tell.

Are you the one that knows
Judge Rinder off Strictly?

Our paths have crossed.

Cos Darren said
he's going to be at the party.

I only said he might be!

I only said he might be.

Well, stranger things
have happened at sea.

So, you were all
at school together?

No, university.

Callum was a medical student.
I was reading psychology.

Oh, I've seen that -
where she gets stabbed in t'shower.

I didn't know they'd made
a book of it, though.

What did you do?

Er, nothing.

I dropped out in t'second
year. It was boring.

Darren was studying, er,
sports science,

if that's not an oxymoron.

Bloody hell! He's calling you a dog

and me a moron.

I thought you were
supposed to be my mate.

He still teaches there,
y'know, Phil Crawford.

Does he? Creepy Crawford?

He was a bit of a pedalo.
How do you know?

Oh, didn't I tell you?
I work there.

At our uni?

The psychology department.
Since when?

About eight years! I put it all
in my Christmas round-robin.

Don't you read them?

Oh, I think it must just go
straight into my spam folder.

Bloody hell!

So, what's it like there now?

Oh, it's exactly the same.

The library, the common room...

They even dress up the Newton statue
every freshers' week. What statue?

The Isaac Newton one!

We put a dress on it
in our first week,

with apples for breasts.

Don't you remember?

Vaguely.

Come on! I remember it
like it was yesterday.

It was the funniest thing ever!

You need to get out more.

Shall we just drift for a bit...

..take in the view?

Oh...

How about you two, then?
Where did you meet?

Five Guys. He spilt an Oreo
milkshake all down me back.

I think he was just trying
to get my attention.

Worked, though, didn't it?

Sounds very romantic.

Have you been in Five Guys, Callum?

Oh, at least.

So, are you and Bonnie
still living in the same place?

Yeah. Yeah.
Rattling round now, of course,

cos Alex is at uni.
I'm an empty-nester.

How about your two?

Oh, smashing, yeah.

Yeah, I don't get to see them
as much as I'd like, y'know.

But I've got them for a couple
of weeks in the summer.

You wanna go t'Disney, don't you?

Yeah. You can have breakfast
with the characters.

I can't decide between Goofy's
Kitchen and Ariel's Grotto.

Not sure I fancy eating somewhere
called Ariel's Grotto.

Oh, I would!
Don't ruin it, you pig!

Pabby and I are going to
take the girls to Cornwall

this year, have a staycation.

You've got girls? I didn't know.
Yeah, five and nine.

Well, good for you!
What are their names?

Millie and Liza.

We're absolutely run
off our feet with them,

but you adjust, don't you?
Your life becomes about them.

Oh, yeah, true.
Do you have pictures?

Yeah, of course!

Proud dad!

Actually, I'm a grandfather now.

You what?

Yeah. We took Millie
to a breeding kennel.

She had a litter of five.

Our beautiful girls.

Oh. I see.

Not quite the same thing.

Anyway, shall we press on?

Oh, hang on, hang on.
I'm not ready yet.

Can I have a go at pedalling?
It'd be good for me glutes.

No, you don't know
where we're going. I do.

Oh, let her have a go.
What's the problem?

I just don't want to
veer off course, that's all.

Come on, Laurence,
it's not Shackleton.

She can swap with me. Thanks.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Help me, then!

All right, there we go.

Whoopsie-daisy!

Careful!

How do you work it?

You just put your feet
on the pedals.

Hey, it's fun, innit?

Right, let's get to this party!

Woohoo!

f*ckin' hell.

This is hard work, innit?

It's like a spin class.

How long have I been doing it?

Two minutes.

Ohhh! Sweating cobs!

Can't have Judge Rinder
seeing me like this.

Will there be cabins
on the boat to freshen up?

Who wants a bevvy?

Larry? No, thank you.

Cal? Why not?

Do you want them Doritos, babe?

This time yesterday,
I was draining a pelvic abscess.

Don't say that,
you're making we want a wee.

So, er, are you still
at the Royal Free?

Yeah, head of obs and gynae now,
which is quite a responsibility.

Well done, mate.
I'm really proud of you.

Thank you.

How about you? You were...

..teaching PE in some god-awful
school, weren't you?

Supply, yeah.
I jacked it in, though.

Kids can be cruel little f*ckers.

I was. I was a total bitch.

Calmed down a lot now.

Are you actually
pedalling, or...?

I'm doing it!

What are you up to now?

Oh, this and that, y'know. Tell him!

Don't be embarrassed.

Well...

..I'm a children's author.

Really? Congratulations!
Are you published?

No, not yet, no. Er, still at
the development stage, y'know,

mapping out the structure, an' that.

Tell him your idea. It's brilliant.

No!

Go on, have confidence in it.

All right, well, basically,
it's like a hardback book,

and on the first page
there'll be a picture of a ball

and on the opposite page
the word "ball".

So, you turn the page,
and there'll be

a picture of a boy and on
the opposite page the word...

"Boy." Have I told you
about it already?

No. Carry on.

So on the next page there'll be
a boy and a ball, and it'd say

something like, "Boy got ball,"
or, "Boy play with ball."

I haven't really
worked it all out yet.

So it's like baby's first words.

Yeah, but with a story
gradually developing out of it.

I've read it twice. Made me cry.

Sorry, Darren,
this isn't an authored book,

is it? It's just
words and pictures.

Well, like I say,
it's early days.

I think people will buy it.

They are buying it!
It already exists.

It's hardly going to make you
into the next JK Rowling,

is it? All right, Callum,

you don't have
to sh**t it down in flames.

We can't all be elbow-deep
in fannies every day.

Can we not talk like that, please?

I could be where you are now, top
of me tree, on a good wage,

but I never had the chance,
did I? If I'd have graduated,

I could've made something of meself.

Could've been a contender? Yes!

Yeah. In sports science?

Give me a break! Leave it, Callum!

You can't possibly compare

me doing seven years
of medical training

to you playing rounders

and learning about Lucozade.
I was good at it.

Really? Yes. So why did
you drop out, then?

I'll drop you out in a minute!

That's enough!

I didn't invite you both here today

just so you could open
up old wounds.

I wanted it to be a celebration
of... who we used to be.

As opposed to who we are?

Uni was 30 years ago, Laurence.
Move on!

Sorry, I think something's happened.
Why's it not going?

What?

Pedals are stuck.

Er... All right,
try going backward.

We're tangled up in all these weeds,
look. They're everywhere.

Oh, for Christ's sake!
This is all your fault!

Why didn't you look
where we were going?

What do you mean,
look where I was going?

We're on an empty lake, mate!

Yes, which makes it
even more idiotic!

Don't blame her, Laurence.
It was an accident.

Keep waggling the pedals.

She wasn't even meant to be here!

Er, excuse me, I was invited
to this party by Darren.

For God's sake, there is no party!

This was supposed to be
a reunion of three friends

from university. I wanted
everything to be perfect.

You've managed to ruin it!

Darren, is that true?

I cocked up, didn't I?

I didn't read the invite properly.
This is it.

This... is the party.

So, what, Judge Rinder's
not even coming?

Doubtful.

I'm missing Gemma's
hen night for this?

They'll have a stripper

helicoptering all over them
now in Sugar Hut

while we're playing Swallows
And f*cking Amazons.

Soz, babe. I'll make it up to you.

Oh, shove it up your arse!

So, I think that's everyone
fallen out with everyone.

Reunion 101.

What are we going to do now?

♪ Row, row, row your boat

♪ Gently down the stream

♪ Merrily, merrily,
merrily, merrily

♪ Life is but a dream

♪ Row, row, row your boat

♪ Gently to the shore

♪ If you see a lion there

♪ Don't forget to roar... ♪
Roarrrr!

♪ Row, row, row your... ♪

Please stop.

Fine. So, what are you going to do?
Just sit here

and wait for someone to find us?
Is that your plan?

Yes.

I told you, I saw someone
earlier over there.

Probably a fisherman.

Well, it's going to be dark
in half an hour.

That's all I'm saying.

Can't one of us go under
and untangle the pedals?

Not recommended.
The water's freezing.

You'd have hypothermia
within 20 minutes.

Right, well, I'm sorry,

but you're all going
to need to look over there.

Why? Have you seen someone?

No, because I need to do a wee.

Oh, no, are you serious?

Yes! I've been busting for ages.

It's all the tinkling of the water.

Well, talk amongst yourselves.
I don't want you listening to it.

Good idea, actually. Might
k*ll off some of the weeds.

It's not acid!

Oh! Bonus ball.

I like her.

This is the story of my life.

What, listening to a woman
pissing off a paedo?

Pedalo. No, being stuck.

When we graduated, I stayed
in the area, married Bonnie,

did a PGCE.

Next thing, I'm back
teaching the same course

I just graduated from.

You've all moved on and had lives.

I'm still living in 1989.

I wouldn't worry about it, Larry.
You've not missed much.

Although Game Of Thrones
was pretty good.

Even then, they ruined the ending.

Well, I'm not going to do that.

All right, I'm done.
You can turn round now.

Oof! Do you think that's why
they say, "Relieve yourself,"

cos you're relieved
you've not pissed your pants?

Oh, come on!
This is ridiculous!

I thought you said
Bonnie was going to be here.

She is. Well, call her.

Tell her to come early.
There's no signal.

Well, can't we all just check again?

Yeah, I'm sure I had
a couple of bars earlier.

Is she still on the same number?

What network are you on?
Give us your phone, Larry.

No. Give it to us!
There's no point.

Why not?! Because Bonnie's dead!

What?

She's dead. She d*ed.

A year ago.

It was a short illness.

And she was very brave.

She's in here.

Sorry, is...?

Is Bonnie a... guinea pig?

No.

She was my wife.

I just got confused cos of him
and his... dog daughters.

I'm really sorry, mate.

Why didn't you tell us?

I wanted to.

I didn't know how.

I wanted to see you face-to-face.

It's not the sort of thing
you can say in an email

or round-robin.

A week went by, and then a month,
and then, in the end...

That's why I... I wanted...
to have you both here today,

one year on.

You were there when we met,
you were there when we married.

I wanted you to be there
for the final goodbye...

..because even though I know that
we don't see each other any more...

..you're still my best friends.

So you wanted us to be here
to scatter her ashes?

Yeah.

Sort of.

Oh, my God!

Jesus, Laurence!

Where's he gone?

Laurence, come back, man!
You'll freeze to death!

Laurence!

Can you still see him?

Yeah, I think so.

What's he playing at?

He always talked about how he
proposed to Bonnie on an island.

I thought he meant the Caribbean
or somewhere, but...

..it must be that one there.

I can't believe she d*ed
and he never told you.

I suppose that's what all those
Linkedln requests were.

I feel terrible now.

I bet you do! Poor man.

I nearly cried when he said
you two were his best friends.

We were.

Used to be.

But...

..life moves on, doesn't it?

Not for Bonnie.

Maybe I have become
too self-absorbed.

But we're all dealing
with our own sh*t, aren't we?

Yours is mostly dog sh*t,
by the sound of it.

His wife's d*ed.

You can't just scoop that up
in a little blue bag

and hang it off a tree.

I once did one in a paintpot
and left it in the cellar.

I was moving house,
so it didn't really matter.

If it's any consolation,
I absolutely hate my job.

I spent years
trying to get to the top,

and now I'm there, I realise

it was just the endeavour
that was keeping me going.

I got to the end of the rainbow
and found the pot of gold.

Now I'd give you anything to
give it back and start again.

Like you. I envy you.

Well, it was not a choice.

What do you mean?

I didn't drop out of uni.

I got kicked out.

Really? Yeah.

I'd done so well to get me A levels,
but... uni was just so hard!

Even if it was only sports science.

Then one day, I realised,

if life gives you melons...

..you're probably dyslexic.

What?

I've got surface dyslexia.

I was too embarrassed
to say anything at the time.

But that's why this book
is so important to me.

It's not for babies.

It's for kids and adults...

..like me.

Have I got to think of something bad
that's happened to me now?

Cos nothing really has.

I've had a great life - good mates,

loving family,

nice little job...

By the sound of it, it's cos I
never went to f*cking university.

Well... er...

..this is it.

Er, it's not... gone
quite according to plan.

Er, Darren...

..he brought an uninvited guest...

..which really irritated me,
of course. But, er,

if you'd have been here,
you'd have welcomed her

with open arms and said,
"The more the merrier,"

cos that's the kind of person
that you were...

..and why I have...
found it so hard...

..to live without you.

Anyway, I, erm...

I didn't want to just
scatter your ashes

in the normal way, so, er...

..I hope you approve.

Hang on. What's this?

"Ashes To Flashes
Memorial Fireworks"?

So she's...

I promised you a party, didn't I?

Now I AM going to cry!

Burn bright, Bonnie.

Burn bright.

Right, one of us needs to swim over
and make sure he's all right.

Not a good idea, Darren.

Well, maybe we can
get a signal over there!

The water's too cold.
You'll freeze your bollocks off.

Well, do another wee in it, then!

Sit down, Darren.
Don't be so stupid.

Don't call me stupid,
all right?!

Stop it, you two! Stop it!
I'm going over there!

Gerroff! Stop it!

Excuse me...

..do you know what
happened to my friends?

They got stuck in the weeds.
Were they rescued?

Please, we have to do something.

There were three of them.

Don't worry about them.

They're fine.

Where are they?

On the other side.

Oh!

Thank God. Did they tell you
where to find me?

I knew where to find you.

I've been watching you
for some time.

Thank you.

Oh...

Really sorry. I...

Laurence...