02x02 - Penguin Cam and Chill

[bunniefuu]

[CHRISTOPHER]

Mom, how long is your friend going to be sleeping in my train room?

- There's a 10 a.

m.

to Santa Fe.

- It's a guest room, Christopher.

And don't be rude.

Ignore him.

He's a pill.

[SIGHS]

This is the tightest made bed I've ever felt.

- Were you ever in the m*llitary?

- I like to be really wedged in.

- Like I'm buried underground.

- And did you vacuum the rug?

I got up early.

I also gave the bathroom a teensy scrub.

Hope you don't mind, I put out ingredients for blueberry-buttermilk coffee cake, just to get them down to room temperature.

Marry me.

[CHUCKLES]

[DEEP BREATH]

I really appreciate you letting us stay here.

And I promise Monkey and I will be out of your hair soon.

Someone as annoying as Kathy does not deserve a cat this cute.

- Right! - I mean, look at her! - She's such a little cuddle-pud.

- [SIGHS]

Oh! I cleaned out a drawer for you.

It was mostly handwritten train schedules and Ziploc bags full of empty pistachio shells.

[CHUCKLES]

Thanks.

I won't need it, I'll be home before you know it.

You think so?

Yes.

I mean, Doug and I have been through so much.

Twenty-two years of marriage, it doesn't just end like that, right?

Well, you're welcome to stay here for as long as you want.

[CHRISTOPHER]

No, she is not.

[SIGHS]

[SAM]

After a female emperor penguin lays an egg, she immediately goes away, leaving the male to care for and warm the egg until it hatches.

Oh, yeah?

[PENGUINS SQUAWK]

- Where's the egg?

- Under the father's tail feathers.

That's a dude?

That's cool.

- [SHOUTS]

Hey! - Ketchup.

What are you watching?

[BOTH]

Baby penguin cam.

More like baby boring boring.

Hey, looking good, Case.

[CASEY]

Mmm.

This uniform is so lame.

It's your first day, you excited?

I don't know.

Sam, are you sure you're going to be okay without me?

- [POURING JUICE]

- Yes, you're so annoying.

I feel like I've adequately prepared him for the real world.

- Yeah, thanks for that.

- Yeah.

- Knock, knock.

- Mom.

And a cat.

What are you doing here?

I just came to see everyone off on their big first day back, after the break.

Also, I left a couple things.

Like, I didn't pack any good socks.

We're just getting ready to go.

Fridge is pretty empty.

Maybe I should go by the store and pick up some supplies.

- I could make dinner.

- We got it.

What about something else that I could do, dishes or beds.

[DOUG]

It's all done.

- You don't live here anymore, lady.

- Come on, let's go.

We can't be late.

It's the first day.

Sam Sam?

Sam, honey?

I really missed you.

It's the first night I've ever been apart from you.

[SNIFFS]

- You have a cat now?

- Temporarily.

[EXHALES]

Why do villains always have cats?

[DOUG]

Come on, we can't be late.

[CROWS CAWING]

[SIGHS]

- Hey.

- Hi, you're Izzie, right?

I'm Casey.

I'm the Sorry, you know that.

I'm, like, super nervous.

Oh, I'm the new kid from Newton.

- Look, new kid from Newton.

- Casey is my name, actually.

I'm sure you were hot sh*t at your last crappy school, but Wow, warm welcome.

They should put you in the orientation video.

- But I've heard about you.

- Good things?

You punched a girl in the face and got suspended, so, no.

I've worked my ass off to build this team and we don't need any drama.

- [TSKING]

I don't want any drama either.

- Don't care.

Just handle yourself.

Um Coach said you were going to show me around.

Is that Classes are in there.

Good luck.

Okay, thank you.

That's super helpful.

[STUDENTS CHATTERING]

- Hi, Sam, I'm back from Maine.

- Obviously.

You look like Roald Amundsen, dressed for an expedition.

Without the frostbite and the beard.

- Is that a compliment?

- Of course.

Thank you.

My mom wasn't feeling well and she gave me her credit card and I may have gone a little bananas at the L.

L.

Bean outlet.

Anyway, um I did some thinking while I was away.

The pastoral beauty just really encourages quiet reflection and I'm thinking we should keep things casual between us.

Okay.

[STUDENTS CHATTERING]

What does that mean?

Well, my cousin Coco was home from Skidmore for the holidays, and she has several casual relationships.

It allows for adult fun, while keeping a focus on what's important, like her own life and future.

Plus I only have 12 more years to make it on the Forbes 30 Under 30 list, so And I was thinking of taking a trip to Oprah's girls' school Sometimes when talking to Paige, I lose track of what her words mean.

It's like she's a whale or a dolphin using echolocation.

[BREATHES]

And I'm a boy speaking English.

[WHALE SONG]

- [WHALE SONG CONTINUES]

- [SAM CHUCKLES]

What?

I was just thinking about how you're like a whale.

What?

- Echolocation.

- God, Sam, I swear sometimes it's like we speak completely different languages.

- Exactly.

- Anyway, as I was saying while things between us will be totally casual, and no strings we can still do this.

[WET KISSING]

Good.

I agree.

More of that?

Oh, sorry, no, I have studying to do.

But see?

It's casual.

[STUDENTS CHATTERING]

Sam.

What are you doing?

We can't hold hands.

We're not together.

We were just making out.

So?

[STUDENTS LAUGHING]

Excuse me, do you know where CL172 is?

Awesome.

Thank you so much.

[BELL JINGLING]

Really?

That's your bell?

[MORE INTENSE JINGLING]

I mean Step five directly produces ATP because the substrate link to coenzyme A is sufficiently energetic to - Power the reaction?

- Exactly.

But it also makes something else happen.

The manipulation Of the substrate to produce its original form.

[VOICE FADING AWAY]

Now, with step six, the carbons are finally removed - [TEACHER'S VOICE GROWS MUTED]

- [DISTORTED AUDIO]

Is this AP?

'Cause I'm supposed to be in regular Bio.

This is regular.

Oh, cool.

Yeah.

I just never knew I was dumb.

- chapters seven through 12.

- [SAM]

I don't understand this at all.

First, Paige made out with me in the art room, but then she wouldn't hold my hand even though she's the one who came up with the hand-holding rule in the first place, months ago.

Tale as old as time, beautiful vixen using her wiles to scramble your brains.

Yes, they do feel scrambled.

Because you, my man, are in the gray area.

First, you and Paige were hot and heavy: relationship.

Then you broke her heart and she m*rder*d that poor penguin: not a relationship.

So she wants to protect herself, but still finds you really cute, obvi.

And now, you're all up in that gray area.

Is the gray area a bird or me?

Yes.

Okay.

Advice incoming.

Sit down.

Good.

I was hoping for this.

I brought my notebook.

Uhh! You ready?

Here's what you do.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

- Nothing.

- What?

Dude, the gray area is the b*mb! You get all the nookie and none of the responsibility.

Let me put it this way: What's the reason you'd never have a dragon as a pet?

- Ahh! So many.

- Exactly.

Where are you going to find the treasure for it to fall asleep on?

How do you keep it from burning down your house?

How do you keep it a secret from the FBI, so they don't take him away, wrap him in plastic and take away his powers like ET?

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

If all those problems just magically went away, then poof! You get to pal around with a dope-ass dragon all day.

- I don't think I'm following.

- The gray area is good.

I don't know.

I like rules, I need rules.

Then ask her for the rules.

But for real, how baller would it be to have a dragon?

- Not very.

- What if it could sing?

Still no.

[DRUMMING]

Hi.

[SIGHS]

You look tired, Newton.

Tough day?

[CASEY]

No.

It's been great.

Find your way around alright?

Yeah.

Actually, this super helpful girl showed me around, so [STUDENT]

Isn't this place great?

You're gonna love it.

- Are you bulimic?

- No.

Oh, good.

I don't need those kind of influences in my life.

Cool shoes.

My mom made me get new ones for Christmas, which is dumb 'cause we were in Paris and the Euro conversion is ridic.

I like when they're old and worn, like yours.

- Thanks.

- We were in Aspen again.

So boring.

My parents are on this kick, they take us to a European city each year.

Exhausting.

What'd you do for break?

Um Nothing, really.

Went to Target a couple times.

[GIRLS LAUGH]

[PANTING]

Um I think I'm stretched.

- Is this the path, here?

- Yeah.

Okay.

She's hilarious.

Hi.

Did Mom come back here?

I don't know.

How's the penguin dad doing?

If I had to guess hungry.

He hasn't eaten in over a week.

I got pizza.

Oh.

[TYPING ON MOBILE]

[PHONE CHIMES]

[TYPING ON MOBILE]

[ELSA BREATHS DEEPLY]

Damn.

That must have been one good lasagna you left.

I can't lie, it was pretty impressive.

This is good.

I think this is good.

This is good.

So what are you going to wear?

I'm thinking, we accentuate the chestal area.

Want to look at my closet?

- I'm gonna cut bangs.

- What, like now?

I used to have bangs.

They looked good.

They were cute.

I'm going to do it.

[SCISSORS SNIP]

- [CASEY]

I'm quitting.

- [CHUCKLES]

No - No, you're not.

- I hate it there.

It's only been a day.

Just give it a chance.

No.

Come back to Newton.

[WHISPERS]

Give up your dreams, Casey.

Maybe I should.

Honestly, the students suck, the classes suck.

Just a big old ball of suck.

And the school bell sounds like an elf hitting a tiny triangle.

Which, at first I thought was soothing, but then it gets really creepy.

Yeah, that would weird me out, too.

And the team captain, Izzie, hates me for some reason.

I will k*ll her.

You're pretty wound up today, aren't you?

Yeah, it's really hard without you.

- Mm-hmm.

- You balance me.

[OMINOUS RINGTONE PLAYS]

Ugh! It's my mom.

She's been calling me, all day, to see how it went.

[GRUNTS]

That's cool of her.

No, it's not.

Ugh.

She's awful.

- Yeah.

Correct.

- We hate her.

Look, I know it's tough for you at school right now, but you're awesome.

And anybody that gets to know you loves you, even snooty assholes.

I should probably be worried about some fancy rich dude stealing you away from me.

[CHUCKLES]

You probably should.

Yeah.

[SIGHS]

I mean, you guys can do this, but I am not leaving.

Okay.

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, Sam, don't you think Casey should come back to Newton?

I actually didn't miss her at all today.

So, no.

Well, that's totally not hurtful at all.

Dad brought pizza.

There's enough for everyone, but only if all non-family members only have one slice.

Okay.

[ALL SIGH]

Hey, don't worry about school.

You got this.

And if you don't, you can always come back to Newton.

Go, Owls! Hoot, hoot! [LAUGHS]

What's happening to me?

[CHUCKLES]

[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]

[STUDENTS CHATTERING]

Oh, Sam, good.

Which thank you note for the Dean of Admissions at Bowdoin?

I think the whimsical design says, "I can think outside the box.

" But the flowers say, "I'm traditional and I can buckle down.

" I don't care.

Paige I need you to clarify the rules of a casual relationship.

Oh! Um I haven't really thought about it, but Rule number one: We don't hold hands.

We don't hold books, we don't hold anything.

Well, except for each other, when I say that we can.

I don't need you to do anything.

I'm just telling you how I feel.

Okay, we don't discuss feelings, crushes or finances.

Oh! And our weekends are our own.

If we happen to be eating lunch together or studying together, sit across the table from each other, not side-by-side like the French.

- But we do kiss like the French.

- Got it.

You want to watch the penguin cam with me?

[LAUGHS]

Absolutely not.

A shared interest that involves birth is a minefield, definitely against the rules.

Okay.

[TYPING]

But that looks really cute.

Send me the link.

[STUDENTS CHATTERING]

[PHONE CHIMES]

Excuse me?

Why is no one in uniform?

Casual dress day.

Great.

- Enjoy.

- Thanks.

- [CHATTERING]

- May I help you?

Could I get a slice of pizza, please?

Sure thing.

That'll be 23 convenience points.

What's a convenience point?

They're on your Flex card.

Okay, yesterday was my first day and I brought my lunch.

So, do you take cash?

No.

Sorry.

Convenience points only, but there is a vending machine around the corner.

Great.

Can I help you?

- [SIGHS]

- [LOCK RATTLES]

Try 32-12-17.

[STUDENTS CHATTERING]

- How did you know?

- Because that's my locker.

Great.

Bad day?

Bad week.

This place is impossible.

The classes are hard.

The toilets are, like, hidden.

What is a convenience point?

What's wrong with real money?

You Clayton people too delicate to touch actual cash?

I've been surviving off of granola bars and peanuts I found in my pocket.

Actually, this is a nut-free campus.

[CHUCKLES]

Sorry.

I think they hide the bathrooms on purpose.

Sends the message that we're too fancy to take a dump.

[LAUGHS]

I'm Casey.

- Nate.

- It's nice to meet you, Nate.

You're, like, the only halfway nice person I've met.

Halfway nice?

- I'm being cautious.

- Well, that's no fun.

- Nate.

- Hey.

I see you met Newton.

I thought your name was Casey.

Bye, Newton.

It is, it's Casey.

It's Casey.

[SCHOOL BELL]

That's the warning bell.

Okay.

Bye.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Hi.

[EXHALES]

Hey.

Hey.

[SIGHS]

So - Should we order some coffee, or - No.

That's a good idea.

I had an extra cup at Luisa's this morning.

She makes this incredible hazelnut blend and I'm a little, you know Too much.

[DOUG CLEARING THROAT]

Listen, Elsa, you can't just come by the house whenever you want.

Okay, we need to set some ground rules.

Ground rules?

Yeah.

[UNFOLDING PAPER]

You wrote them down?

- Yeah, it helps me remember.

So?

- Okay.

No [CLEARS THROAT AGAIN]

If you want to see the kids at the house, that's fine, but I need at least a couple hours' notice.

Why?

So you can hide the body?

[LAUGHS]

I was just wondering why you need so much time.

[DOUG]

Only text me in an emergency.

I don't need to be hearing from you 30 times a day.

I think that's an exaggeration.

And assume I have all the household chores done unless I say otherwise.

Doug, sweetie, you don't have to do everything by yourself.

Penguin dads do it.

I'll be fine.

Hey, Doug.

I know how hurt you must be.

And what I did is unforgivable.

[DEEP BREATH]

But we can work through this.

I know we can.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Just follow the rules, Elsa, and we're gonna be fine.

You're not What?

What?

[VOICE BREAKING]

Nothing.

Okay.

I gotta go.

Rings go on and then they go off.

It could just be temporary, honey.

At least you have this cute new haircut.

[VOICE BREAKING]

He didn't even notice my bangs.

Well, men are dumb.

[PHONE RINGING]

Kathy.

Ugh! [DEEP BREATH]

Hello?

Hey, lady face, so we're back and I am coming to pick up Monkey.

Put me on speaker.

I want to talk to my gal.

- No.

- Wait, what?

[CHUCKLES]

No.

You can't have her back.

No, [SOBS]

I need her more than you do.

And she needs me.

Okay.

She's lost it.

That was awesome.

Yeah?

Oh Oh.

- Hello again.

- I got a stupid Flex card.

- Can I eat now?

- You sure can.

- In 48 hours.

- What?

There's a holding period.

I'm sorry.

But, there is a vending machine around the corner I know that.

Yeah.

Oh.

Oh, dear God.

[SIGHS]

- Yup, it's why I got a large.

- Thank you, I will eat this whole thing.

You can have my granola bar and nuts.

[MUNCHING]

- 48 hour waiting period?

- Yes.

It's easier to get a handgun than lunch at this place.

You know, it may not feel like it, but I know the track team's glad you're here.

You're right.

It doesn't feel like it.

You should've heard them after you broke that record.

It's why Izzie is so threatened, you're faster than her.

[STUDENTS CHATTERING]

Should you really be saying that about your girlfriend?

I won't tell if you don't.

[LAUGHS]

Yeah, I feel that.

Two times a year I'll wear a pair of my dad's underwear to remind myself why I'm not a tighty-whitey guy.

And why he's always so grumpy.

That's why I like Paige.

She doesn't mind when I say weird stuff.

And now that she's explained the rules, I like the casual relationship because we still get to make out.

And you get to buzz around other flowers like the horny little bumblebee you are.

Oh.

There's a cutie.

[CUSTOMERS CHATTERING]

[PHONE RINGS]

- How does she know?

- That right there is witchy.

She wants me to come over.

You know what that means.

Need a condom?

I carry 12 at all times.

Three in my shoes, two in my back pocket, several in my front pocket and one in your ear.

You walk around with condoms in your shoes?

It helps my plantar fasciitis.

- Huh.

- [DOOR CLOSES]

Thanks for coming.

Rule number nine: No kissing hello or goodbye.

Remember?

Yeah.

Sorry, I just I just found out I got wait-listed for Bowdoin.

[SOBS]

I've been sad-baking all day, I already ate, like, six cookies.

[CRIES]

- I feel really rejected.

- Rule number three: No talking about feelings.

So, where should we make out?

The couch?

Um Honestly, I feel pretty bummed.

I mean, can't we just, like cuddle and watch a movie?

Is that a joke?

- Rule number four and eleven.

- Sam, forget about the rules.

Okay?

How do you feel about me?

I don't know.

I don't know how I feel.

- But Julia says that's okay sometimes.

- When did she say that?

Last week, when I went to tell her about all the stuff happening with my parents.

What do you mean?

What What stuff?

Oh! My mom cheated on my dad and now she lives with Christopher and has a cat.

- What?

- I know, cats are the worst.

No.

Sam, why wouldn't you tell me about your parents?

I didn't need to, I told Julia about it.

[EXHALES]

Okay, Sam, I'm really sorry and I'm here if you want to talk, but, I mean, when I got wait-listed for Bowdoin and, you know, something bad happened to me, you're the first person I wanted to tell.

And for For you, that person is still Julia.

She's really helpful.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

I think we need to end our casual relationship.

What?

But now that I know the rules, I'm really good at it.

I know you are.

But I guess I'm not.

I got to hand it to you.

I never left a break up with homemade cookies.

She said she wanted them and me out of her sight.

I get that.

Ooh.

Give me one.

What's up?

Paige broke up with me.

Oh I didn't know you were back together.

I don't even know if we were.

Hm [MELANCHOLY POP MUSIC PLAYS]

[KNOCKING THE DOOR]

Cute bangs.

Thank you.

My little Monkey, I missed you [SAM]

I know it was just a casual relationship, but it was still nice to know that Paige was there if I needed her.

I'm sorry, Sam.

- Me, too.

- Me, too.

Hey do you want to go watch the penguin cam thing?

Okay.

If the wind picked up, the father might have shifted positions.

That would be crazy.

You're a good kid.

Shut up.

Give me 20 bucks, I won't tell anybody.

Get out of here, you're so stupid.

[SAM]

He's in a different position! Come look! [PHONE CHIMES]