02x10 - Ernest Shackleton's Rules for Survival

[bunniefuu]

Contrary to popular belief, being a successful explorer is not about being brave.

[SAM]

Or even taking risks.

In fact, when you're in unfamiliar territory This Friday night.

No cover before 9:00.

- [PEOPLE CHATTERING]

- [MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, what's up, man?

[SAM]

taking risks is the last thing you wanna do.

You remember me?

[GULPS]

Oh! What are you doing here?

I don't know.

[GROANS]

Risks are what get you in trouble.

- [DOORMAN]

Hey, what the hell?

- [BARMAN]

It's cool.

[BARMAN SIGHS]

Look I deserved that.

[PANTS]

We're done now.

Don't come back here.

[SAM]

Because success is about preparation and planning.

He broke my tooth, man.

And if you are in Antarctica warm socks.

[SAM]

Ernest Shackleton is one of the top three bravest guys in the history of the planet.

No one would ever disagree with that.

Very nice, you passed.

[SAM]

But if he hadn't been prepared he would have frozen like a Popsicle in the Antarctic tundra.

Sam?

- Did you get my invitation?

- Yes.

- Are you pregnant?

- Yes.

That explains the belly.

Hmm.

Graduating isn't exactly the same as completing a 1,400km journey through sub-zero temperatures with a team of sled dogs.

[SAM]

But for me, it's not far off.

- Did you get married?

- No.

- Is the baby a boy or a girl?

- A boy.

- Who's the father?

- That's private.

- Is it Miles?

- Private.

Do you feel sad or happy?

Thanks for asking.

Happy.

- Okay.

- Okay.

Can we talk about graduation now?

Sam, it's a big deal.

I know.

And I have the third-highest GPA in the class.

Paige has the highest, which is good because she's the one who has to give a speech, not me.

I hate speaking in front of large groups.

Me, too.

Did you pee your pants in the third grade play in front of the school, too?

[LAUGHS]

No, but I did give a really terrible speech at my cousin's wedding.

But she's divorced, so I guess it's all good.

Oh.

Speech or not, this is very exciting.

When you first came to me, you were so focused on things you couldn't do and, now you've done so much.

You're becoming really independent.

I'm getting there.

I'll need to be completely independent by the time I go to college.

- Yeah, well, that's a tall order, but - Will you be at graduation?

- I wouldn't miss it.

- Great.

Bye, Julia.

Bye.

Hey, there you are.

How's your hand?

- [DOUG]

Good, fine.

- You should talk to your boss.

Who knew those corners on those metal gurneys were so sharp?

It's okay.

- So guess what?

- What?

I finished my website, and I already have three new hair-cutting appointments.

- Three! - Oh, good.

That's cool.

Yeah! It's very cool.

Yeah.

I mean, I know it's just a tiny thing, but I love working with the kids.

Keys?

- Nope.

- How come?

I'm a legal driver.

- It's dinner time.

- I'll go to a drive-thru.

[SAM]

Oh, good.

You're all here.

Oh, honey, look at you.

Oh! - I have to get a picture.

- No, you're a terrible photographer.

- I'm getting better.

Where's the camera?

- Right there.

[ELSA]

There we go.

Okay.

- This is - Oh, that's me.

There'll be plenty of time for pictures.

Why are you even wearing that?

[EXHALES]

I'm preparing for the big day, to get used to the feeling of the gown.

- Well, how does it feel?

- So far so good.

But it is a little cold on my thighs.

Wait Are you not wearing anything under there?

- So?

Zahid didn't.

- Oh, gross! Zahid graduated?

[SAM]

Attention, please.

- I've gathered you all here - You didn't gather us, it's dinner.

to say that while I greatly appreciate your help over the years, I'm no longer in need of your assistance.

What?

Wait, what is he saying?

Can you please close your legs?

I'm graduating.

I need to be independent.

So from this point on, I'd like it if you stopped helping me in every single way.

That has nothing to do My mind is made up.

Now, if someone could please pass me Never mind.

No.

No, no! Get off me! You're naked! [SAM]

Ernest Shackleton wasn't always a leader.

Oh, my God.

I touched his butt! [SAM]

He got his start on someone else's expedition.

[CASEY SCREAMS]

Oh, no! Sam, honey, time to wake up.

You're four minutes late.

Since I relied on myself, I've been awake since 5:30.

I've already read the entire newspaper online.

I'm actually very exhausted.

Did you hear about the deadly earthquake in Peru?

Well, anyway, time for breakfast.

[SAM]

When Shackleton finally led his own expedition - Can I help you with that?

- Nope.

[SAM]

it was based on knowledge he gained from his time with Robert Falcon Scott.

[ADJUSTING TIME ON MICROWAVE OVEN]

[MOBILE PHONE BUZZES]

- [ELSA]

Honey, just let me - [SAM]

Independent! [MICROWAVE OVEN BEEPS]

Still frozen, hence I will put them back in the microwave.

[ADJUSTING TIME ON MICROWAVE OVEN]

- Oh, no, honey.

That's too - Mom, I got this.

[TYPING ON MOBILE PHONE]

[MICROWAVE OVEN BEEPS]

[BURNS HIMSELF]

Way too hot.

[SAM]

Shackleton learned, he applied I'm sure it took practice.

One minute should do.

You can leave.

You will not believe what happened.

I was practicing my valedictorian speech in my nightly bubble bath and [HUFFS]

Let's just say my note cards were involved in a vision-candle accident.

Really lucky I was in water.

But anyway, now I have to rewrite them all from scratch.

And buy a laminator.

Well, not to pile on the bad news, but effective immediately, I will no longer require your services when walking down the hall between second and third period.

Oh, um Okay.

Will the new girl that you've been kissing be taking over?

No.

So are you two in a relationship or are you just making out a lot?

Neither.

We're not in a relationship, and we only made out three times.

Once on your bench and twice not on your bench.

[DOOR OPENS]

- Alright, here you go.

Go, Owls.

- Thanks.

Gardner comma Sam.

Wait You made out on my bench?

- Yeah, one time.

- When?

Was the paint wet?

Samuel David Gardner, are you the smudger?

No, I'd have to put my back on the bench.

I never put my back on the bench.

That's true.

Whoo! That is a relief.

- Although - What?

Now that you mention it, the girl I kissed, whose name I can't tell you, did get some paint on her jacket.

Maybe she's the smudger.

Perfect.

Bye, Paige.

[STUDENTS CHATTERING IN DISTANCE]

[ELSA]

Don't you just love zucchini bread?

It's like cake with vegetables.

You know I was intimate with a woman once Oh Mom! She was vibrant and spontaneous.

- She was tender.

- God, I need to bleach my ears.

She was tall.

She had red hair.

She was kind of like a female version of your dad.

This is so terrible, my eyes are watering.

Honey, I made a lot of big mistakes this year.

I've become kind of an expert on accidentally hurting the people I love most.

So if you ever want to talk I'm here.

Sorry, I'm I'm just still picturing a female Dad.

- It's not pretty.

- You'd be surprised.

- Very pretty - [CASEY GRUNTS]

- I may have a picture.

- No! This person said, "Have a nice summer," which is very thoughtful.

And this one said, "Stay cool," which is funny 'cause I didn't know I was cool to begin with.

Oh, you're cool, bro.

You're as cool as a pickle in the freezer.

- Hmm?

- I don't know.

I usually don't let people sign my yearbook because I don't like to talk to people that I don't know, but so far it's been okay.

Are you really eating brownies for dinner?

They're not just brownies, Samuel.

They're pot brownies and pot is a vegetable.

Cousin of cauliflower, stepbro of sage.

You know, on a proper nutritional pyramid, dank chronic is the bottom floor.

That is definitely untrue.

Seems like the man eating dry cereal out of a baggie should not be throwing stones.

I've been making my own meals.

I'm independent now.

Speaking of which, I'll no longer require you to give me advice about getting girls.

I'd like to handle that all on my own from now on.

I accept that.

Your game is def going to suffer.

But hey, bust out of that chrysalis, little butterfly.

- [ZAHID LAUGHS]

- Oh And I have something for you.

Invitation to graduation, non-transferable.

- For moi?

- Mm-hmm.

- Sammy, I could kiss you.

- No.

- I'm gonna.

Let me.

- Please, don't.

[SAM GASPING]

She said "tender.

" It was the worst moment of my life.

- [MUSIC PLAYING]

- [MOBILE PHONE BUZZES]

So we're good right now, right?

- Yeah.

- Yeah?

I mean, I guess so.

What, why?

Well, you never gave me my birthday present.

Yeah, I gave you that neckla Oh, you're talking about [CASEY CHUCKLES]

Are you sure, 'cause we could wait.

[CHUCKLES]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

I love you.

- I'm ambivalent.

- Hey.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm, like, really ambivalent.

- You see how it feels?

- [CHUCKLES]

You love me.

- You do.

- Yeah.

I love you.

[EVAN]

Whoo-hoo! - Throw it away.

- [CASEY CHUCKLES]

- Come here.

- [CASEY MOANS]

[SAM]

Of course, there's a big part of being an explorer that involves doing things you're unfamiliar with.

That's where something called a spirit of adventure comes in handy.

I never really had one before.

Until now.

[STUDENTS CHATTERING]

Hi, I'm Sam Gardner.

Would you please sign my yearbook?

Good, and pass it around.

Bailey Bennett.

You've been kissing Bailey Bennett?

- Nice work, dude.

- Thank you.

She left her jacket on a chair in history class and I absconded with it.

So it's true?

Well, I'm not supposed to tell, but since you found out on your own, yes.

God, I can't believe this.

And to be clear, the vandalism is what bothers me here, not the kissing.

You can kiss whomever you want, they're your lips.

But when it comes to my hard work, and my beautifully painted "Live Love Laugh" bench is ruthlessly smudged, then I do have to get involved.

[SAM]

Turns out, not everyone in school thought I was cool, like a pickle in the freezer.

- [MAN]

What a loser.

- [GIRL]

What a weirdo.

[MAN]

Freak! - [GIRL LAUGHS]

- [MAN]

That kid's a spaz.

[SAM HEARING VOICES]

And I'm holding this jacket hostage until Bailey Bennett gets me a new senior gift.

[PAIGE]

Wait, Sam, are you okay?

Sam.

- I need a new yearbook.

- But you already had one.

This one is ruined and I need a new one.

To be independent, you need to know what to do when things go wrong because you can't expect someone to fix it for you.

You need to know how to do it yourself.

[PANTS]

Even if you really, really, really, really don't want to.

What's wrong with it?

[SHOUTS]

I just need a new one! Sorry, it's one per person.

[GRUNTS]

Dude! - [BOY]

Did you see that?

- [GIRL]

What is he doing?

[SAM]

Not every expedition is possible.

Not everyone is meant to be an explorer.

Even if you do all the right things, stuff can still go wrong because sometimes some people they're just failures.

[DOOR RATTLES]

[MOBILE PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

What?

Whoa! - Hi.

- Are you going somewhere?

No, I just heard your car.

Sometimes you're just like Sam.

Oh, yeah, Sam's boss Bob just called.

Sam never showed up for work.

Sam has never skipped work before.

I texted Zahid, but he still hasn't texted me back.

I'm really trying not to freak out, but I am freaking out.

Okay.

It's okay.

Calm down.

It's okay.

Hey, guys.

I talked to Paige.

I think I know why Sam ran away.

Oh, no.

Why does Sam say he'll always remember becoming a father?

He's talking about the baby penguin.

I think I know where he is.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Hey.

Hey, little dude.

Hi, Sam.

You just missed feeding time.

It was a real frenzy.

Bad day to be a herring.

You know When you were five I made a list.

You got your love of lists from your mom.

She loves a list.

[CHUCKLES]

I do.

Anyway, I made a list of everything I hoped for, for you.

I was trying to manage my expectations.

Here.

[UNFOLDING PAPER]

"I hope he makes a friend.

I hope he can communicate clearly.

I hope he can leave the house on his own.

I hope he does okay in school.

I hope he finds something he loves to do.

" - Those are so easy.

- No.

They weren't.

They were hard.

But every time I thought you couldn't do something, you did it.

You're strong and determined.

And I'm so sorry I underestimated you about college.

You can do anything.

Sometimes I just can't believe that I have these amazing funny [SOBS]

great kids.

Which one's yours?

That one.

- With the gray head?

- No, that one.

Oh, with the white wing tips?

Are you crazy?

That's a male! He looks nothing like her.

Right there.

- She's so cute.

- Yep.

I just hope the other penguins are nice to her.

Even if they're hard on her, every now and then you're always going to have her back.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[BLOWS]

It's a big day, dude.

Let's keep it cool.

I was looking at the Denton course catalog.

There are so many cool classes Sam can take.

- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah.

Made me kinda wish I could go back to school.

- Well, you should.

- Yeah?

Why not?

- Can you Your arm is on my side.

- No, it's not.

- [MOBILE PHONE BUZZES]

- [MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR RADIO]

[TYPING]

Arm! I'm taking up a reasonable amount of space.

I'm a grown man.

And I'm a grown woman.

- She licked me! - Casey, really! It's graduation.

I warned him.

Wipe it on your robe, Sam.

Are you crazy?

This is a rental.

Okay, for Pete's sake, I'm sure I can find a napkin in here somewhere.

Do you have a Maybe in your jacket?

[UNFOLDS PAPER]

Napkin?

It's dry and cold.

Just wipe it on your robe, honey.

[SEAT BELTS UNBUCKLE]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[SECOND DOOR CLOSES]

[SIGHS]

What did you do?

Nothing, [STAMMERS]

it wasn't a big deal.

You went to see him?

Is that what happened to your hand?

I've tried everything to get you to forgive me.

Everything.

And I've been patient, and I haven't expected much.

[SIGHS]

But I need to know Are you ever going to be able to get past this?

Are you ever going to be able to let this go?

Because you need to.

I mean, if this is ever gonna work out, you you need to.

- I want to - Guys! Come on! 47 minutes till graduation.

You heard it from the horse's mouth.

[SAM]

Shackleton's greatest legacy was not reaching the South Pole I can't tell you what an impressive group of young people this is.

Well, you know, you raised them.

[PEOPLE LAUGHING]

[SAM]

because Shackleton never actually got to the South Pole.

If you can believe it, he's most famous for turning back.

This is really exciting.

Our boy's really growing up, huh?

Hey.

After this, you wanna go check and see if the band room is unlocked?

- They've got a couch in there.

- Don't be gross.

[WOMAN COUGHS]

But text me later.

I was supposed to hang with Izzie, but maybe you can come over after.

[TEACHER SPEAKING ON MICROPHONE]

There you are.

You're 19 minutes late, which is unlike you.

And now it is time to here from this year's valedictorian, Paige Hardaway.

[PEOPLE CHEERING]

Paige.

She called your name, you have to go.

Paige?

- Paging Paige.

[CHUCKLES]

- [PEOPLE LAUGHING]

Paige, I see you.

You're right there.

- Paige?

- I can't do it.

- What?

- I can't do it.

Why is your voice so hoarse?

Are you sick?

[SHOUTS]

All right! Which one of you scumbags was it?

Cowards! You know, I really try to see the best in people.

But somebody here is nothing but bad! Rotten to the core! - [GRUNTS]

- Dude! I mean, "spaz"?

"Freak"?

"Weirdo"?

I am ashamed to call myself an Owl.

No, you know what?

You! All of you should be ashamed to call yourselves Owls! [SHOUTS]

So, hoot-hoot-who did it?

[SHOUTS]

Die slowly, you shitbirds! [SCREAMS INSANELY]

So are you sick?

Yeah, I'm sick.

Paige, please come up.

I simply cannot talk anymore.

[PEOPLE LAUGHING]

Well, you can't give your speech like that, that would sound very annoying.

[SOBS]

I know, I've just been preparing for this since I was eight years old.

And, I've worked so hard on it and now no one's going to hear it.

[WHIMPERS]

Yes, they will.

I'll do it.

What?

I'll give your speech.

Sam, you peed your pants in the third grade.

Well, that's a risk I'll have to take.

I haven't had any water today.

[SAM]

Shackleton knew some of his team wouldn't make it, so he turned around and went home with only 93 miles left to go.

Okay, this is not Paige, but I'll take it.

What's he doing?

I think he's going up on the stage.

Damn straight he's going up on the stage! Get it, Sammy! Rock out! What is going on?

[SAM]

But sometimes in life you need your team behind you and sometimes you need to be someone else's team.

- I should go up there.

Should I?

- Please do not.

- "Hi, I'm Paige Hardaway.

" - [PEOPLE CHUCKLING]

That's not true.

I'm Sam Gardner.

I'm just reading Paige's speech for her because her voice is scratchy and annoying.

- [PEOPLE LAUGHING]

- Um "Thank you for coming, and to my fellow graduates congratulations.

We did it.

It's been a long road.

[STUTTERING]

I came to this school as a girl and I blossomed into a woman.

" [PEOPLE LAUGHING]

- So far, so good.

- Oh, Sam.

- I love this so much.

- [LAUGHS]

Word.

"A good friend once told me penguins mate for life.

" Was that me?

I think that was me.

[SAM CHUCKLES]

"And, well, the friends I've made here are like penguins because they're for life.

" That doesn't make any sense.

[PEOPLE LAUGHING]

"Our time at Newton High has been nothing short of transformational.

Dramatic pause.

" Am I supposed to pause dramatically?

[PEOPLE LAUGHING]

[MAN COUGHING]

"Brilliant mother, poet, spirit guide " What?

[PEOPLE LAUGHING]

"Maya Angelou once said, 'If you find it in your heart to care for somebody else, you will have succeeded.

' - And by that metric " - Mom, are you crying?

- " I think we've already succeeded.

" - Maybe.

- This speech is ridiculous.

- I know.

But he's doing it so well.

"The future is unknown, so I can't promise much " Don't make it weird.

"But I will promise you this: I will never forget Newton High.

Not when I graduate at the top of my class at Bowdoin, or when I'm the first female President of the United States.

Hold for applause.

'' [PEOPLE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[PEOPLE WHOOPING, APPLAUDING INTENSIFIES]

''I thought I was coming to Newton for an education, but I got so much more than that.

Friendship, support, independence, guidance, a push when I needed it.

Thank you all for being a part of my epic journey.

The future is female.

" I don't know what that means.

I'm finished.

[PEOPLE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

- He did that so well.

- So good.

That's my brother! Look I think we need to talk about everything.

- Can you do that?

- Yeah.

I was thinking maybe tonight because Sam has his senior lock-in thing, - and Casey's going out with Izzie.

- Okay.

- I'll be there.

- Okay.

Great.

You know I babysit.

Okay.

Hey, Sam.

There you are.

We're almost late for the lock-in.

I packed and repacked my pajamas six times because I didn't know what to do.

Sam you once told me that you're not a champion of anything.

But that's not true at all.

You're a champion of being there for me.

I mean, I can't believe that you gave my speech for me today.

How did you manage to do it?

I've thought about that a lot.

I was thinking about how I jumped into the pool for you, and how I gave a speech for you, and how when I kissed Bailey Bennett, it was nice.

Really nice.

But not as nice as when I kissed you, and I realized that I think the reason I gave your speech is that I'm in love with you.

[ZIPPING BAG]

Well, should we go or what?

Come on.

[DOUG]

I don't know what to do.

[STAMMERS]

I'm trying to get past everything.

I'm trying to forgive.

I want to, I I really do.

I just haven't been able to do it.

Do you want to come in and talk?

I can't believe we drove four towns away just to find a 7-Eleven that serves cotton candy Slurpees.

I have no regrets.

So guess what?

I had sex again.

With Evan?

No, with myself.

- Still counts, though, right?

- Shut up.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, with Evan.

I really love him.

I know you do.

It's just, sometimes a thing feels, like so right.

You know?

["DESTROYER" BY PANAMA PLAYING]

[MOBILE PHONE BUZZES]

God, how I wish you could be here You have to be near You have to believe You know how I want for you to return Beaten and alone Oh, oh, oh, oh You're such a time destroyer Oh, oh, oh, oh You're such a time destroyer