03x01 - President

[bunniefuu]

[♪]

Welcome back, Dave.
Oh, thank you, Beth.

How was your vacation?

Oh, it was great. Oh, thanks.
Let me get that for you.

I brought back some
souvenir glassware.

So how was your vacation?
What'd you do?

I got to see my folks,
visit a few museums.

Museums? Really?
Where?

In Wisconsin.

[LAUGHING]
Yeah, sure.

Hi.
Hey.

Mm, did you miss me?
Well, it was only a week.

Ah, it felt like an eternity.

Well, a week in Wisconsin will
feel that way, right, Dave?

[LAUGHS]

Beth.
So good to see you--

Yeah?
Could we have a minute?

Oh, my God, I left my muffin
in the microwave!

Hey, what's up?
Ah, Joe. Hi.

Hey, Joe.

Hey.
What's up, Dave?

Huh? Nothing.
Welcome back.

Well, thanks.
How was, uh, Wis-can-sin?

Uh, Wisconsin was great.

You know, I got to see my folks,
uh, visit a few museums.

So, uh, what's the story
with you and Lisa?

You guys back together again?

Look, we don't want this
to be the cause

of a lot of office gossip,
but, yes,

we've been talking about...
Yeah, I hear that.

issues that have been...

bothering us in the past...

Hey, Dave.

Back to the old grindstone,
huh?

Joe!

Joe!
Joe, come back.

I think there's been
an accident.

What?

[CACKLES]

What-- What up?

What, did I miss--
Did I miss something?

Yeah, I think you missed
Dance Fever by about 15 years.

Oh, yeah, this, um...

Yeah, what is that?

Laugh it up.

But between me,
you and these four walls,

chicks really dig this,
David.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.

It's a chick magnet.
Really?

Yeah.
How was Wisconsin?

Oh, Wisconsin was great.
Got to see my folks.

Got to visit a few mu-- I can't
pretend that's not there.

Dave, if you were a chick,
you wouldn't be giggling.

If I were a chick,
I wouldn't be talking to you.

Now, do me a favor.

Just-- Just turn around
very slowly.

Why? What's up?

[SCREAMS]

[♪]

[♪]

LISA:
Uh, Mr. James is in your office,

and you have to talk to him.

Why?
Uh, trouble.

Oh, what kind of tr--
Another crazy wife search?

Oh, no. Worse.

Oh, what? He finally found
a wife, but you don't like her?

No, this has nothing to do
with the wife search at all.

Husband search?

Hey, Mr. James.

Hey, Dave, how was Ohio?

Uh, Wisconsin, sir.
Same thing.

Well, the heartland appreciates
your respect, sir.

Did something important happen
involving you while I was away?

Oh, we can talk about me later.
Tell me about Ohio.

You didn't put my mother's name

back on your wife-candidate
list, did you?

Dave, please,
I'm trying to be polite here.

Ohio, let's hear it.

[SIGHING]
Okay, well, it-- uh, it was great.

I got to see my folks,
got to visit a few museums--

Okay, that's enough.

I have decided to run for
president of the United States.

No.

Yes.

No.
Oh, yeah.

Why?

[CLEARS THROAT]

Why not?

Have you ever held
elected office before?

Nope.
A-an appointed office?

Mm...nope.
Ever done any public service?

[LAUGHING]
Public service?

Where'd-- Where'd you grow up?
Canada?

I'd be-- I'd better get
Lisa in here.

Great. Tell us both
about Ohio.

Lisa, can...?

Would you mind helping me out
with this? I--

Okay, but, um,
Mr. James...

Uh, as a reporter, I am warning
you that anything embarrassing,

damaging or just plain stupid
you might say

will be used
against you.

Well, what the hell
did I ever do to you?

I'm sorry, sir.
It's my job.

Okay. All right.
That's fine.

Just, you know, dig away.
I have nothing to hide.

Oh, come on, sir.

You must have
some skeletons in your closet.

Oh, hell, yeah,
I got skeletons running around,

raiding leftovers
from the fridge.

It's like... It's like
a skeleton convention in there,

but you are not gonna find
anything out about 'em.

Yes, I am.
No, you're not.

Yes, I am.

Lisa, I am a cipher,

a cipher wrapped in an enigma,
smothered in secret sauce.

And no one, not even you,

could ever uncover
the mysteries I hide.

It is impossible.

Could you stand up and turn
around for a second, sir?

Why?

Well, I'd just like to see
what I'm getting,

because as of now,
your ass is mine.

Woof!

Yeah, that-- That's a real
spitfire you got there, Dave.

[HUMMING "HAIL TO THE CHIEF"]
There's my campaign manager now.

Ow!

Well,
if you'll excuse me,

I got babies to squeeze
and butts to kiss.

Beth?
Yeah?

How did you get dragged
into this?

I figure
if I play my cards right,

Mr. James will make me
secretary of transportation.

Well,
why transportation?

Dave, because!

When you're
secretary of transportation,

you can walk up to anyone
and say:

"I need your car
for government reasons--"

That's not true.

[SIGHS]

Dave, don't make me take your
driver's license away, okay?

Beth-- Ow!
[HUMMING "HAIL TO THE CHIEF"]

How 'bout "Jimmy James
for a new tomorrow"?

How 'bout
"Jimmy James: no more lies...

I like it.

about the government cover-up
of alien bodies at Area 52."

I thought it was Area 51.

Area 51 is just a decoy.

Jimmy?
JIMMY: Yeah?

I'm still unclear
on your platform.

My plat-- Okay, my platform.
My platform is...

Let me ask you guys a question.

What do you think's wrong
with this country?

Unemployment.

The federal deficit.

Government cover-up
of alien bodies.

Overly-complicated
tax system.

Alien bodies the government's
trying to cover up.

Okay. Thanks, Joe.

That was a rhetorical question.

You know what's really, really
wrong with this country?

Nothin'.

Your confusing thesis
has captured my attention.

Tell me more.

Well, you know, every--
Everyone's down on America,

you know, but from where
I stand, she looks A-okay to me.

Not perfect.
Not perfect, mind you,

but when those scrappy,
little pilgrims

first landed about 300...
years ago--

Hang on a sec.
Matthew, come here.

What's the story
with your face, son?

Oh, yeah. This, uh,
just is something I, uh--

You know,
I grew out on vacation to...

well, you know,
make myself sexier.

Yeah.

You know, every man has a right
to sex himself up

however he sees fit,
but you-- You...

You look like you belong
in an amateur p*rn convention.

Thank you.

No. No, Matt-- I tell--
M-Matthew, tell you what.

Let me-- Let me show you
something.

Are, uh-- Are you ready?

I'm ready.
No, no! Are-- Are you ready?

Oh, yeah, I'm ready.
No, I don't think you're ready.

Hey, who's that?

Oh, God.
Yeah.

That's right.
That is me with a moustache.

[CHUCKLING]
Oh...

Yeah.
Oh, uh-uh.

Yeah, well,
I carry this around with me,

you know,
wherever I can,

and if I get the urge
to make myself over,

I just look at this, and...

damn near throw up.

Well, mine's gotta look
a little better than that.

Matthew,
that's what he would have said.

Poor, misguided freak.

I want you to think about that.

[♪]

LISA:
I just don't understand

what Jimmy is doing.

BILL:
Eating a sandwich.

No. I mean, what could
he possibly be thinking?

Probably,
"Mmm, good sandwich."

This just doesn't make
any sense to me.

No, I agree. He has to have
an ulterior motive.

Exactly.
And I know what it is.

What?

Insanity.

The man's going nuts,
and we've got front-row seats.

Do you think he needs help?

I will personally k*ll anyone
who tries to help him.

This is going to be the biggest
story of the year,

and I'm gonna be right there
on the inside.

Like that guy who was friends
with the Kennedys,

who got the inside scoop
and wrote the book about it.

I think that was actually
70 or 80 guys.

Every journalist in the country

is going to be eating
right out of my hand.

Oh.

I just had this vision
of Diane Sawyer

licking birdseed
out of your palm.

That's right, baby.

Eat it up.
Eat it all up.

I mean,
does he think he can win?

"Can" win?

He's going to win.

He's got a billion dollars.

He could hire Steve Forbes
as his cleaning lady.

Yes, but a presidential race
isn't just about money.

Right, and Christmas
isn't just about presents.

We can't just sit and let him
make an ass of himself.

Come help me talk to him.

So dig anything up yet?

Did you lose a bet, sir?

Huh?

You know, like with one
of your rich friends.

The loser has to run
for president, ha-ha.

No.
Let's see, last, uh,

Last time I made a bet
with a rich friend--

[CHUCKLING]
Oh, yeah.

I ended up
streaking through

the Chicago
mercantile exchange at noon.

Ouch.

What do you mean "ouch"?
I was the winner on that one.

Sir, can't you just go back
to the wife search?

I mean, that was a perfectly
good eccentricity.

Quick slogan idea.
Yep?

"Jimmy James is so rich,
he can't be bribed,

even by the tobacco
companies."

I like it. It's a little wordy,
but I like it.

Tell you what, how 'bout
for a campaign theme song,

that song:
"My Maserati does 185"?

Yeah, "Life's Been Good to Me."
Joe Walsh, 1978. I'm on it.

That's my girl.

Sir, is-- Is there any way
I can talk you out of this?

No. Well, some reporter digging
up a good scandal

might, uh, do the trick,

but apparently
that ain't happenin'.

Hm-hm.
Don't be so sure, sir.

Oh, brave talk.
Brave talk, but come on.

It's been a long time
since I opened up the newspaper,

read about Lisa Miller of WNYX
breaking a news story.

Oh, yeah, well, uh...
A-ha-ha. Huh.

Light the fuse and run away,
huh, Dave?

You baffle me, sir.

Thank you.

Excuse me, Jimmy.
Yeah?

Could I borrow Dave
for a moment?

Mm-hm.

This is a very difficult time,

and we need all the support
we can get.

Look, Matthew, I've
known you a long time, man.

I just can't sit here and watch
you do this to yourself.

It's just a moustache.

Matthew, at this point,
we'd like you to just listen.

We're going to go
around the room,

and I'd like each person to tell
how Matthew's moustache

has affected them.

Dave.

Okay, this is silly.

See,
Dave likes my moustache.

No, I don't.

Matthew,
I'm black.

I know.

And being a black woman
in this country

has made things
a bit harder for me.

Now, I can't change
the way I look,

nor would I want to.

But you. You're young,
you're white, you're male.

Now, honey, why do you wanna
flush all that down the toilet

by making yourself look like
Freddie Mercury, circa 1980?

Matthew, no one can force you
to do anything.

Only you can decide
to make the right decision.

Bill, what are you doing?
JOE: Dude!

Oh, sorry.
Hey!

CATHERINE:
What's wrong with you?!

Can I go back to work, please?

Matthew, let's try
a visualization exercise.

[SIGHS]
Oh...

I'd like you
to close your eyes.

Imagine you're--

Lisa!
Hold on.

Dig up anything, uh,
juicy yet?

Maybe.
I didn't think so.

Tell you what,
I got a couple of seconds.

I'll give you an exclusive
interview. Three questions. Go.

Been indicted for insider
trading? Nope.

Are you a tax cheat?
Huh-uh.

Philanderer?
I wish.

All right--
Interview's over.

Sir?
Mm-hm?

You know that I don't
necessarily think

you'd make a bad president,
right?

It's just that I--

I think you'd be wise
to start smaller.

Oh, come on, Dave.
What am I gonna do?

Run for prime minister
of Cambodia, work my way up?

No, no, that's not me.

I tell you what,
between you and me,

I-- I think I can win
this thing.

Maybe.

Or maybe you'll just
make an ass of yourself

in front of the entire nation,

lose all your money
and your credibility

and become known as that crazy
old man children taunt

by shouting,
"How's it going, Mr. President?"

I don't see Bob Dole
complaining about it.

I just think
you should slow down.

No. No.

No, David, if-- If nattering
nabobs like you had their way,

nobody would run naked through
the Chicago mercantile exchange.

It's just a moustache.

[♪]

So, what do you think,
Dave?

Very impressive, sir.

JIMMY:
Yeah, thanks.

I just wish Beth had blown up
a more recent photo of me.

BETH:
I'm sorry, Mr. James.

Matthew was carrying it around.

I saw it and thought
you were going for a Teddy Roosevelt look.

No, no, the, uh,
Teddy Roosevelt look I like.

It's the, uh, "he might just be
a redneck" vibe

that disturbs me.

Tell you what, can we, uh--
Can we lower this thing

so my shameful tickler
isn't quite so prominent?

Yeah, uh,
you wanna lower the head?

Well...

what took you guys so long?

We ran into Ted Koppel,

so I took the opportunity
to wet his beak a little.

Bill,
that wasn't Ted Koppel.

It was just some audio
technician with a funny haircut.

Once you get
old Ted talkin',

well, you just can't
shut him up.

Really?
What'd he have to say?

"I'm not Ted Koppel,

and you're standing
on my cable."

That Ted.

A little envious,
but who wouldn't be?

Imagine me,
working for the crazy man

who's going to be president.

Way to go,
crazy man!

DAVE:
Dig anything up?

Finally.

I have enough dirt on Jimmy

to make Chappaquiddick look like
a ride at Disneyland.

Let's not go overboard,
all right?

Let's try to remember
that at heart,

Mr. James
is a decent person.

Well, they're all
decent persons, Dave.

But once a man throws his hat
into the ring,

it is my duty as a journalist,
to make him my bitch.

Hey, don't talk about
my crazy man that way.

Whatever you've got, let's just
hold off unless it's necessary.

How'll I know it's necessary?
I'll tell you.

What if I don't wait for you
to tell me?

I'll be forced to set myself on
fire as a diversionary tactic.

Hey...

"Crazy candidate's
press conference

marred by actions
of disgruntled other crazy man."

I love it!

I can't believe all the stations
are going live with this.

I know.

Actually,
this is the kind of thing

that could transform
the whole presidential race.

Dude, just shave it off.

[BAND PLAYING
JOE WALSH'S "LIFE'S BEEN GOOD"]

[MUSIC STOPS]
Thank you.

[CLEARS THROAT]
Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen
of the press,

I'm gonna make
a short statement.

Then I'll take your questions.

[CLEARS THROAT]

I am running for president.

That was the short statement.
Any questions?

ALL: Mr. James.
Yeah?

Uh, Mr. James,

you own a lot of media outlets,
such as New York's WNYX.

Does this mean you're expecting

special treatment
from the press?

No. No, not at all.

In fact, I'm, uh--
I'm holding my reporters

to the highest standard.

I am expecting them--
Nay, ordering them.

--to give me more hell than
all of you combined, you know?

[LAUGHING]
Okay.

Next question.

Bill McNeal, WNYX.

JIMMY:
Yes, Bill.

Uh, Mr. James, you're a veteran
of the armed forces,

an accomplished businessman,

a tireless supporter
of numerous charities.

As a personal friend,
I have to wonder,

aren't you perhaps
overqualified

for the position of
president of the United States?

Not at all.

Next. Next, uh-- Next question.
ALL: Sir! Sir!

Excuse me, uh,
a follow-up, if I may.

Yes, Bill.
Uh, do you have a dog?

Why, yes, I do.
A big, beautiful Irish setter.

Sounds like a real champ.

JIMMY:
Thanks.

Okay, I think
it's absolutely necessary.

No. No, not yet.

Excuse me, Mr. James.

JIMMY: Yes?
Bill McNeal again.

Is it true that you don't wear
the medals you won

while fighting for our country
because you're just too modest?

Hello?

All right. Go ahead.
Thank you.

Could you tell us more
about that wonderful dog?

Why--
LISA: Excuse me, sir.

I have a real question.

[WHISPERS] Shut up.
You shut up.

Uh, Lisa Miller, WNYX.

Yeah, I know you.
Hi, Lisa!

Hi.

Um... Okay, uh,
Mr. James,

drug abuse has become a very
serious problem recently.

Have you ever smoked marijuana?

No.
No, I have not.

Oh, really?

Because--

But I did eat some
marijuana brownies

at a, you know--
An office party once.

By mistake. I'm not gonna--
I'm not gonna lie about it.

I'm not perfect.

But then,
neither is this country,

and maybe, just maybe...

we both need a little work.

[APPLAUSE]
JIMMY: Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Pfft. Right. How do you
smoke a brownie?

JIMMY:
Next question.

LISA: Lisa Miller.
JIMMY: Yeah?

It's not in your official bio,

but my sources tell me you were
a lobbyist in Washington,

with close ties to the Nixon
White House prior to,

and during,
the Watergate affair.

Could you tell me--

I was Deep Throat.
Does that answer your question?

[CROWD GASPS AND MUMBLES]

JIMMY:
You remember?

Deep Throat, the guy that got
the crooked president

kicked out of office.
That was me.

You were not Deep Throat.

Well, then, I challenge the real
Deep Throat to come forward.

Yeah, I didn't think so.

LISA:
Well, sir,

what if the real Deep Throat
is not here?

Yes he is. Boom.
Next question.

Is that all you've got?
Yes.

That's it?
Yes, I'm sorry.

I thought pothead co-conspirator
would be enough.

Excuse me.

It's time for a little more
slow-pitch softball.

Excuse me,
Mr. James, uh...

Yes, Bill?

Who are you considering
as a running mate?

Good question.

Thank you, sir.

I am looking for a woman.

A woman of great courage.

A paradigm of intelligence,
fortitude and...

feminine grace.

JIMMY:
And I'll tell you the truth.

I-I have not found
that woman yet.

I got it.

Hm?
I know his secret.

Well, then--
Well, then, ask him.

I can't.
It's too humiliating.

Don't you wanna take him down?
Yes, but not this way.

I can't. No.
JIMMY: Yeah, Lisa Miller.

WNYX. Go ahead.

JIMMY:
You have a question, Lisa?

Uh...yeah-- Uh...

[SIGHS]

LISA:
With all due respect, sir...

are you running for president
just to meet women?

Yes.

Yes, I am.

I didn't think anybody'd figure
that out, but, uh...

I guess I underestimated
Lisa Miller of WNYX.

I suppose it was less of a bid
for the presidency than...

a cry for attention
from a lonely, lonely man.

I apologize, America.

And I hereby withdraw.

But...

if you're a young woman over 18,
who'd like to help console me

in my darkest hour, I have set
up a toll-free number.

1-800-J-JAMES.

That's 1-800-J-JAMES.

Won't you please
pick up the phone?

JIMMY:
You'll be glad you did.

That's 1-800-J-JAMES.

Thank you,
and good night, everybody!

[BAND PLAYING
JOE WALSH'S "LIFE'S BEEN GOOD"]

Wait a minute.

How many people
are watching this?

Fifteen million.

That's 7.5 million women.

[PHONES RINGING]

He's too smart to be president.

[♪]

JIMMY:
Would you look at that?

"Billionaire bachelor candidate
brought down by own reporter."

It looks like you got
everything you wanted, sir.

Yeah, I just was kind of hoping
for the front page, not C-18.

Well, you-- You were only
in the race for seven minutes.

Yeah, seven minutes.
Seventy thousand dates.

What a country, huh?

Hey, way to go, Scoop!

Really put NYX on the map,
didn't we?

Yes we did, sir.

I-- I do feel
a little bit manipulated.

Well, that's what Woodward
and Bernstein used to say.

Yeah.

You know what?

This is sexy.

Okay?
S-E-X-E.

You know what I think?
I think you're all jealous.

Whatever. I'm not.
MATTHEW: Oh, no.

You're not. You're a frightened,
little girl.

No, I'm not.

Frightened of the feelings

that this stirs up
in your most secretive places.

Matthew,
it's disgusting.

No woman wants that thing
rubbing against her face.

Oh, I think I know a few women
who might just disagree.

Name one.

Uh...Jill.

BOTH:
Who?

She's from Canada, and...

you don't know her.

MATTHEW:
But you know what?

I'll tell you what.
Uh...I'll kiss one of you,

and if you really do find it
disgusting,

I'll shave it off
right now.

How about that?

No way.

Oh, come on.

Babe, you got what it takes?

Oh, I don't have anything

that even remotely
resembles what it takes.

Well, Beth, it looks like me and
you are gonna swap some spit.

How about it?
[SNICKERS]

You know what?

Why don't I just spit on you
from here.

Oh, for crying out loud,

do I have to do everything
myself?

Actually,
that wasn't entirely unpleasant.

[♪]

Aren't you Al Roker?

No. I get that all the time.
I'm just a sound technician.

I was talking to Ted Koppel
earlier--