04x02 - Planbee

[bunniefuu]

Excuse me.
I think that you spilled some paint over here.

- No, we didn't.
- Oh, well, then who did?

Take a guess.

I just wish I'd been here
to see that. Matthew?

Hi, guys.
Look, I am a mess, so do not touch me.

According to this,
this station is losing...

twice as much money
as we're bringin' in.

Well, I don't know who
your accountants are, sir,

but this should
read six percent,

and 15,654 times
12 months is 187,848, not 18,784,

which means
that we're losing--

Well, I guess, three
times as much money as we're bringing in.

Thanks a lot, Lisa.
Let me put it this way, folks.

I tried to unload
this station yesterday and no one would buy it.

Rupert Murdoch laughed at me
so hard my speakerphone almost burst into flames.

Jimmy, how dare you try and sell
this station without warning us?

Warning you? Warning--
I've been warning you people for three years.

What the hell you think
I've been tellin' you over and over and over again?

You have got to start
makin' money.

Well, I don't know
about anybody else here, but I am makin' money--

more so now than ever before,
thanks to that raise I got last month.

Mr. James brings us
a message here this morning,

a message that I think
we all hear loud and clear.

- Am I right?
- I'm sorry.

I'm still hung up on
Matthew getting a raise.

Look, that was a clerical
error and it's neither here nor there, all right?

If there was ever a time for us
to pull together as a team, now is that time.

Thanks. Thanks, Dave.
In fact, I think--

Thanks for the pep talk,
but you're not back in Wisconsin at your 4-H Club.

I know, sir, but I--
And if we were, we'd be lookin'...

at a lot of dead baby cows
and a bushelful of the world's smallest tomatoes.

Well, sir,
call me naive-- You're naive.

but I think that--
That we should start f*ring people?

No.
Well, that's what I'm sayin'.

Huh?
Now it's just a matter of figuring out who.

I'm sorry, I'm still
not clear on this.

Are you telling me that due
to some screwed up paperwork, Spaz actually got a raise?

Sir, can't we sit down
and just come up with a solid plan?

No. No, no more plans.
Plan "A" was a bust.

Ladies and gentlemen, I would
like you to meet Plan "B."

Hi, everybody.
[ Giggles ]

"Planbee,"
what an unusual name. Is that Chinese?

You must be Matthew.
Call me Andrea.

Oh, well, it's a pleasure
to meet you, Andrea Planbee.

Okay, now I'm sure you're all
wondering why I'm here. [ Bill ] I think it's obvious,

and I'm just glad someone
finally realized the good...

a professional masseuse
can do for us all.

Um, No. Actually,
I'm not a masseuse,

but I am here to smooth out
some of the rough edges...

so we can all be happy
employees at just the best radio station around.

No. Wait a minute.
I thought you were here to hack off all the fat,

chop up the deadwood
before this station goes into the toilet.

Do I look like the kind
of person who would do that?

No, you don't. So when
do the back rubs start?

You're an efficiency
expert, right?

Yes. That is exactly
what I am.

Mm-hmm.
Good guess, you.

You must be Dave.
Uh, yeah. Hi.

Excuse me.
Exactly what do you mean by "smooth out the rough edges"?

Oh, you must be Catherine or
Beth or Lisa. Okay, does anybody have any other questions?

Yeah. How many people
are gettin' canned, and who are they?

[ Laughs ]
You have got to be Joe. Any more questions?

Plan "B" isn't a plan at all--

It's a witch hunt.

Now, that is--
that is just silly.

Well, if you're lookin' for
a witch, Beth's your woman.

Look how she dresses.

Case closed. You may go.
And, yes, I must be Bill.

Mr. James, can I speak
to you in my office, please?

Why? So you can tell me
it's a bad idea,

that you'd rather handle
it yourself,

that you hate this woman who
has the power to fire you...

even though you don't
even know her? [ Laughs ] No.

No.

Hey.
Hey. Good. Good.

Because I'm not
in the mood for it.

I don't know if I'm crazy
about this plan, either, but whatever this woman says goes.

Um, sir, uh,
where are you going?

Dave, please.
You don't drop a piranha in the kiddie pool...

then stick around
to watch bubbles.

You have to admit,
things have gotten pretty darn inefficient around here lately.

What on earth
does that mean? Well, for instance,

when was the last time
we all hung out as a group after work?

Dude, see if you can
follow me here.

Being inefficient
and you bein' lonely, they're not the same thing.

Okay, but it was,
like, months ago.

My only goal in being here,
really,

is to get this place
fine-tuned and back on the road to success.

That's my goal too.
Oh, good.

Excellent.
[ Giggles ] Great. Oh, this is gonna be fun.

I can virtually feel it.

- Oh, great, 'cause I got
a fun feeling too. - Uh! Well, join the club.

So, who should we fire first?

And I for one think that we
could all benefit from a little conductive criticism,

so I say let's just get
out there and let's show...

Plan Andrea what
we're made of.

Come on!
Let's do it, people!

Okay, I have never said
this before, but I think Matthew has a point.

Lisa, Matthew's the one
who's gonna get fired.

- [ Beth ] Joe's right.
- Hello?

Oh, come on.
I think that you guys are jumping to conclusions here.

Hey, guys, if you run out
the door like I just did,

be careful of the wall
'cause there's, like, wet paint.

Trust me, it does not taste
as good as it looks.

I've gotta tell you, Bill,
I'm so glad you finally decided to give TV news a sh*t.

What made you
change your mind?

Well, radio's fine and all,
but it's strictly minor league ball.

I'm startin' to feel like
Jackie Rubinson playing for the Sacramento Bumwads.

I hear that. Uh, so,
this is where we'll be doin' your test.

I assume you've worked
with a teleprompter before.

Yeah, I've got one at home.

Well, why don't we get you
into makeup and how 'bout I show you the way?

No need.
I know my way around a television studio, friend.

Terrific.

Who's the man who once
fell asleep at his desk for 36 straight hours?

- Matthew.
- Who missed three days of work...

because he thought one of
his cats was on the verge of learning to speak?

That would be Matthew.

Who once tried to check himself
into a rehab clinic...

because he thought
he was addicted to computer solitaire?

Well, that was my fault
because I suggested it to him, and he didn't know I was joking.

Who once ate so much sugar
he got on the air and screamed,

"I'm alive" before he passed
out and slammed his head off the mixing board?

I think we need to come up
with a plan.

So I figure the more productive
and efficient we become,

the more time we're
gonna have to play computer solitaire.

- Is that right?
- Uh, sort of.

Okay, well, when do we start,
'cause I am raring to go!

Oh, great. Actually,
today I'm just gonna be observing, so--

Oh, well, observe away.
Okay.

Hey, wait.
You know, I wanna ask you something seriously.

What do you find more efficient,
brushing your teeth in your day clothes or in your pajamas?

I don't understand
the question.

I think p.j.'s, 'cause
if you get toothpaste on your day clothes, you're screwed.

True story.

Great. Um, so, don't
let me distract you...

'cause I'm sure you just
have tons of work to do.

Not really.
What are you workin' on there?

Oh, just-- Oh, well.
Look. You got somethin' on your sleeve.

Oh, poo. Paint.
Oh.

Messy stuff, that paint.
Yeah.

This is, like, the second shirt
I've ruined today.

I'll wipe that
for you, please. Oh, no.

Your shirt's
just makin' it-- [ Gags ] worse.

You know what?
My pants are clean. Okay.

Matthew! Matthew!

I need your help,
okay?

Lisa wants you to help
her with some reports.

I thought I wasn't
allowed near her desk.

Oh, Matthew, you make me
laugh so much.

I swear,
it increases my productivity by at least 50%.

Matthew.
What? What? What's goin' on?

You're half naked.
An optimist would say I'm half dressed.

Okay, I cannot go
into it now,

but it is very important
that you do not strip nude...

in front of
the efficiency expert, okay?

As a matter of fact,
you should be on your best behavior today, all right?

You got it.
Okay.

Do you have a blouse
I could borrow? [ Indistinct ]

Hi. Mind if I observe?
Hi. No.

Uh, hey, Matthew, could
you give that story...

the standard Matthew Brock
once-over and then sh**t it on over to Dave?

Probably not. I mean,
I could give it a try, but good luck.

[ Laughs ]
Oh, you have computer solitaire on this one, don't you?

Thanks a bunch.
Hey, maybe we should let him work his magic, huh?

Does Matthew often edit
your work?

Oh, yeah.
Yeah, all the time.

Actually, nothing goes on here
without his go-ahead. Really?

Yeah.
Now, isn't that usually the news director's job?

Oh, yeah.
Well, Dave helps,

you know, but when
you have an incredible resource like Matthew,

you know, you'd just be
insane not to use it.

Well, I-I guess
I see your point. Yeah.

Uh, anyway, um--

Do you know--

Do you know that I have
always thought...

that efficiency was a really
interesting field of inquiry?

[ Sneezes ]
[ Spraying ]

Wow. That was
some sneeze. Allergies.

What are you
allergic to?

Workplace inefficiencies.
Oh.

Wow, that Matthew works fast.
Yes, his alacrity is matched only by his thoroughness.

You know, that is a very
articulate way of putting it.

Thank you.
I-I think a little bit...

of Matthew's inexorable
learnedness has rubbed off on all of us.

Excuse me, Andrea.
I was wondering if you could show me...

how to use the elevator
more efficiently.

Oh. Oh, gee.
You just press the button.

Oh! Oh, well,
this I gotta see! Oh!

Uh, what's going on
out here?

I think we just
saved Matthew's job. Leave that to me, all right?

I've got a plan.
I've got a plan too.

Hot computer,
comin' through!

Joe, I just wanna
play solitaire.

So we're talkin',
when we realize Catherine and Beth...

are eavesdropping on us,

so Joe rigs up a pipe b*mb
of some sort...

and sets it off
right next to them.

Knocked 'em flat
on their asses. [ Chuckles ]

We laughed and laughed.
Sounds like those girls have a good sense of humor.

Well, not them.
Joe and I laughed.

I think you'd be makin'
a big mistake if you left 'em.

How's that?
A wise man once said...

that a job is only as good
as the people you work with.

Then I must have
the best job in the world.

Then again, another wise man
said if you can get more money, screw your friends.

That guy doesn't
sound so wise to me.

Yeah, my father
was very misunderstood.

You're very lucky
to have found a place where you fit in.

Sounds like those people
really love you.

Of course they do, but other
people will love me as well, right?

Just do the makeup.

Tommy?

Hey! Hey, Tommy.

My name's Carl.

Of course it is. I was
just kiddin' ya, Carl.

Join us for lunch.
Come on.

Come on!
Come on, Carl.

Hey, when was
the last time, you know,

we all got together
and sat down and had lunch, huh?

Never.
In fact, I've been waiting three years for this.

Well, today's
the big day. Oh.

Everybody, you know Carl.
He's gonna join us for lunch today.

[ All ]
Hey, Carl. Hey.

Hey.
Ah, where were we? Oh, right.

Who to fire?
Who to fire?

Oh, boy, I hate
that word "fire."

I know, but these are desperate
times and they call for difficult decisions to be made.

So, shall we?

Well, there they are.

A great group,
for the most part. So where's Bill?

You're not thinking of
f*ring Bill, are you? I mean, he's the voice of WNYX.

Just asking.
Uh-huh. All right.

Well, there's Catherine,
a consummate broadcaster and a joy to work with.

And, of course, Lisa.

Indispensable.
I mean, she could be the news director herself.

Joe-- Well, without Joe
everything would just break down around here,

and besides, he's in a union,
so don't even think it.

Beth, the glue that
holds it all together.

Matthew, I guess, is off doing
what Matthew does best--

excellent work.

Then there's Carl.

Carl, Carl, Carl.
Carl.

Yeah, Carl. Great guy,
but not the best engineer in the world.

Oh, gee, it says here
he's an accountant.

An accountant who seems to
prefer pretending to be an engineer to minding the books.

Okay, okay.
Let's go back.

Um, what do you
think of Matthew?

Matthew?

He's absolutely essential.

Genius level I.Q. and instincts
like I've never seen before.

Of course, he has
a problem with Carl,

and I, for one, can't
blame him for not liking Carl.

Hmm. So, now, Matthew
and Lisa basically do the same job.

Yeah, yeah. You know, Carl
actually tried out for Matthew's job,

but he couldn't handle it.

Strike three for Carl,
I guess.

So it seems like
Matthew could do all the reporting himself.

Oh, I'm sure he probably
could, yeah. Oh, great.

Then we're agreed.
Uh-huh.

Lisa has to go.
No, fire Matthew--

I mean, Carl.
Fire Carl.

In Albany today, State
Assemblyman Bruce Sparks...

inched closer to achieving
a bipartisan consensus.

[ Man #1 ]
This is the weirdest thing I've ever seen.

[ Man #2 ] Lighting guys
do anything different? No, no.

It's the same setup
we always use.

- Did you do something different
with his makeup? - No. I think he's just...

one of those people
who doesn't photograph well.

Yeah, but I've never seen it
this bad before.

- I mean, the poor guy.
- He has a good radio job...

with a group of people
he really loves,

even though he won't admit
that he really loves them.

- Thank you, Marion.
- I'm just saying that he should stay at that radio station...

with all those good people,
because he just does not look good on television.

Say, Bill, could you come
over here, please? Sure thing.

[ Clears Throat ]
So, what are we thinking?

Guys, you should all
feel really proud, 'cause it was just...

a super effort,
but I've seen this in every office.

There's always one guy people
are tryin' to cover up for.

But Matthew isn't like the
hundreds of other completely incompetent guys out there.

He's very special.
Yeah, just give it some time.

I guarantee the little
freak'll grow on you.

You guys are just such
a super team, you know,

and I think the best thing
for this team...

is to get Matthew
off the field before he gets trampled.

Look, is--
is it really worth it?

I mean, is it really worth
ruining the life of an innocent guy just to save a few dollars?

I know that sort of thing
happens in New York all the time, but where I come from--

Well, where's that, Dave?
Well, it doesn't really matter.

No, no, really.
I'm just naturally curious. I'd like to--

Wisconsin.
Oh! Neat-o.

Way to go, Dave.

Hey, g*ng.
[ All ] Hey.

Dave?
Huh? Yeah.

I organized those doughnuts
by color, like you asked.

Oh, did I say, "By color"?
I meant to say, "By size."

Oh, sh**t. Can I do that
after the meeting? Yeah, I'm sorry.

I just don't know
if that would be the most efficient thing.

Got ya.
Over and out.

Bill, where have you been?

Turning down yet
another TV job offer.

I tell them
I'm not interested, but they just don't listen.

Do I look funny to you?

Listen, you guys, once this
is all over you'll realize...

this is the best thing--
both for the station and for Matthew.

- Wait a minute.
Where are you going? - To tell him.

No. No, no, no, no.
Let me.

- As much as I'm against this,
it's my job. - Both of you sit down.

I'll tell him.

Bill, this isn't a joke.
This is for real.

I know that,
but let's face it.

Matthew worships the ground
I walk on.

Never really understood why,
but then again, I don't particularly care.

- Anybody disagree?
- Bill,

are you gonna send him out
to the cold, cruel world...

with a "kick me"
sign taped to his back?

[ Chuckles ]

Uh, no. Now would probably
not be the right time for that.

Matthew, buddy,
we need to talk.

What is it?

This isn't gonna be
easy to hear,

but I think it's best that
I just give it to you straight up, man-to-man.

Oh.
Andrea feels you're just not working out.

Well, she's wrong.
I do five sit-ups and three push-ups every day.

No, I mean here
in the office.

Come on. Why would I wanna
exercise in the office?

Look, you've been fired.

Are you tryin' to say
that I've been fired?

Yes.

Wait a minute.
What are you trying to say?

You don't work here
anymore.

You're fired.
Oh.

Are you saying that I--
Yes, I am.

Wow.
I'm really sorry, pal.

Well, do you even know why?
Well, it's that efficiency woman's idea.

Everyone fought her tooth
and nail, but there was nothing we could do.

Well, we're gonna still
see each other, right, Bill?

Nothing's impossible.

Okay, that's good
to hear.

You know what? I'm just
glad I heard it from you.

Happy trails, Spaz.

[ Sighs ]

How'd he take it?

Oh, I don't think we've
seen the last of him, unfortunately.

[ Chuckling, Sobbing ]

Oh, I wish you guys
wouldn't make such a big deal about this.

I'm gonna be fine.
Good-bye, big guy. All right, man.

For what it's worth, dude,
I really think it sucks you lost your job.

Beth, what can I say?
Bye, Matthew.

One of the things I'm
always gonna treasure about working here...

is the way you were such
a good friend--

Thank you.
to Bill.

So keep in touch.
Okay, I'm gonna call you tomorrow, I promise.

No, keep in touch
with Bill.

I'll do my best.
[ Elevator Bell Rings ]

Hey, g*ng--
Oh. Hey. Uh, Matthew--

Gee, what can I say?
I'm-- I'm sorry, buddy.

Don't worry about it.
I mean, I'm guessing you were probably fired...

from a few jobs yourself,
and look where you ended up, right?

No, actually I've never been--
had much luck, really,

holdin' down any kind
of a job till I stumbled onto this multi-billionaire gig.

Yeah, and, Matthew,
please don't take this the wrong way,

but Bill made me promise
to give you this. [ Scoffs ]

Well, you know what
to do with it.

[ Quavering ]
Thanks, Dave.

Oh, Matthew, I think
you got some paint on your hands.

No, I was very careful
this time.

Good-bye, everybody!

See ya, little guy.
Bye. Bye.