07x12 - B.S. I Love You

[bunniefuu]

Oh, no.

A chain letter.

Ah! I hate these
stupid things.

Oh, I know.

I got one, too.

Oh, listen to this.

"Do not break the chain

"or bad things
will happen to you.

"Mr. Juan Nunez
of Lima, Peru,

"broke the chain,
and 36 hours later,

"his teeth fell out,

"his body was
covered in warts

and he exploded."

And it says
you're supposed

to send out 20 of these,
or this will happen to you.

What kind of moron
falls for that?

And 20.

Oh, please!

Fay, you don't
actually believe

this chain letter nonsense?

Oh, well, I don't know.

It says right here...

"This letter carries the power
of the sun god Ra."

Oh, the sun god Ra.

The sun god Ra?

I spit on
the sun god Ra.
( spits )

And on whoever
sent me this letter.

Hey, guys.

Oh, I see
you got my letter.

You sent this?

Well, thanks a lot.

You should
be thanking me.

"Good things
are guaranteed

to those
who send this letter."
Uh-huh.

My mom's roommate at the home
sent one to me.

Nine hours later, she was able
to recognize Jell-O.

Whatever you do,
don't break the chain.

Ah! Here's what I think of
your stupid chain letter.

Ow! Ow! Paper cut!

( chuckling )

You see? The bad luck
is starting already.

I was kidding, Fay.

You're so gullible.

Hey, is there
a pay phone in here?

Yeah, it's right over there.

Oh, thanks.
I can't believe it.

I just plowed my truck
into some poor guy's cab.

What do you mean

my cab will be in the shop
for a month?

It's only a dented fender.

What water?

How did it get into the ocean?

Wh-What do you mean,
these things happen?

Y-Yes, of course
I would like you

to get the smell out.

Can you believe my luck?

Just one moment, Antonio.

Oh, my!

I just scratched off
three Liberty Bells.

I won 50 bucks!

Thank you, Ra!

Ah! Please, Fay.

None of this has
anything to do

with that stupid chain letter.

( chuckling ):
Okay, pumpkin.

I'll see you
tonight, huh?

Same time and
same place. Oh...

Good-bye,
sugar-lips.

Roy?

Huh?

You and her?

Yup. Ridiculous, isn't it?

But, uh...
h-h-how?

Ra.

Ra-Ra-Ra-Ra-Ra-Ra!

(jet engine roaring above)

Well, hello.

Hello.
What's your
pleasure?

Well, gorgeous,
a few years ago,

my answer might
have been different,

but right now,
I'd just like a cup of joe.

"A cup of joe."
You only hear that
in those old movies.

You make it sound like
I'm ancient.

Oh, no, sir.

I didn't mean
that at all.

No, I am ancient.

I just don't like
the sound of it.

( chuckling )
I-I wonder
by any chance,

would you have
a phone book over there?

I sure do.

I'm trying to track down
my grandchildren.

Haven't seen them
in about 30 years.

And the truth is,
I'm not even sure

they're still on the island.

Wow. 30 years.

What are their names?

Joey and Brian Hackett.

Oh, my God! Grandpa!

Which one are you,
Joey or Brian?

I would have to say...

Mrs. Green...

in the library...

with a rope.

All right,
now, your turn.

Let me see.

What's the wildest sex
I've ever had?

I'd have to say...

Helen.
Oh, get out of here.

Helen,
Helen, Helen.
You're so...

Hey.
Whoa!

You'll never guess

who just walked in the terminal.

Mrs. Green?

No. I'm talking about
your grandfather.

Gr-Grandpa Jack?
Wh-What... wh...

I haven't seen him
since I was about four.

I didn't even think
he was still alive.

Well, he is, and
he's right out there.

Oh, wow. I don't
believe this.

What are we
going to do?

What am I going
to say to him?

We don't even
know the guy.

Oh, what are you
talking about?

He's your grandpa.
Get out there.

Okay, but don't think
that I'm going to get

all blubbery
and emotional

just 'cause the guy's
my grandfather.

Hi, Grandpa!

Uh, Brian...
Not now!

Got my grandpa back.
Brian.

You're back.

Brian...
What?!

Wrong grandpa.

Okay,
new security procedure.

You're clean.

Joey? Brian?

Uh... are you
Jack Hackett?

That'd be me.

Hi, Grandpa!

Hi there, son.

Boy, really great.

Oh, very nice.

Oh, really swell.

What do you say

we take a little
break now, huh?

Okay.

Well, this is, uh,
quite a surprise.

After all these years,
we'd just assumed you were d...

d-delayed.

Nope, I ain't delayed yet.

Well, come here and give
your grandpa a hug.

Uh...
Yeah, go on!

Go on and hug him!

Hug Grandpa.

Come on, Joe.

It's your grandpa.
Well...

I don't blame him
if he's not thrilled to see me.

Hell, I've been AWOL
for 30 years.

I wouldn't blame him
if he told me to hit the road.

Oh, we would never do
that to you, Grandpa.

Easy there, big fella.

Love you.

Look, I...

Don't get me wrong.

It's, it's great
that you're back.

It just might take me
a little time before I...

What I mean is that I-I have
a really busy schedule today.

Uh, I've got to take a flight
in a few minutes,

so maybe later
we could just sit...

( blubbering ):
Oh, Grandpa!

So, there we are in the
middle of the jungle,

these Zulu
tribesmen charging,

weapons raised,
w*r cries filling the air,

and I can't get
that damn jeep started.

Wh-Wh-What'd you
do next, Grandpa?

Just when I thought
it was all over,

my guide, Dekempe,
says some kind of a prayer

and suddenly, gloriously,
that engine kicks over

and, man, I'm driving out of
there like a bat out of hell.

And as soon
as we're clear of that,

I said, "Dekempe, if you're
this close to the big guy,

order us up
a bottle of whiskey."

You kids'll have to excuse me.

I'm getting kind of bushed.

( all groaning )

But before I hit the sack,

I brought along
a little something for the boys.

Presents!
Presents!

I picked these up

the last time I swung
through Singapore.

This is for you, Brian.

It's a noble warrior.

Joey, this is yours.

Wise chieftain.

Wow. This is great.

What do you say, boys?

Thank you.
Thank you.

What are you
still doing up?

Oh, I couldn't sleep.

Brian and Joe's grandpa
being here

got me thinking
about our grandpa.

Oh, Grandpa Chappel.

Popcorn?

Oh, no, I really shouldn't.

3% fat-reduced.

Thank you.

What's the movie?

Oh, it's called
Heart of the Jungle.

It's about this guy who
goes into the jungle

in search of
treasure.
Mm.

Man ( on TV ):
Damn jeep won't start.
We're surrounded.

( starter cranking )

( engine starts )

Your prayers worked.
It started.

( jeep engine revving )

Dekempe, if you're that close
to the big guy,

order us up
a bottle of whiskey.

Hmm. That sounds familiar.

Where have I heard that?

Oh, they rerun this
movie all the time.

No, I don't think
I've ever seen this.

Oh, my gosh.

That is what Grandpa said
to his guide Dekempe

when they escaped the Zulus.

Wow, that's a coincidence.

What are the chances?

None. Zero.
There are no chances.

Yeah, but Grandpa told us
that story happened to him.

Well, Grandpa told us
a lot of things happened to him.

What are you saying?

I think Grandpa's
full of Dekempe.

FAY:
Oh, my goodness!

Antonio, what happened?

I'll tell you
what happened.

He broke the chain.

Oh, it had nothing
to do with that.

I was driving in my rental car,

I swerved to avoid a squirrel,
and my brakes locked.

Well, you know
the little building

where Paul Revere
used to make silver?

That's gone now.

Oh, Helen...
Hey.

...what did Joe say
when you told him
about Grandpa?

Oh, I was going to tell him,
but then I decided not to.

I mean, what's
the difference?

He's a sweet old man,

and it's just
a harmless story.

Well... okay, but

you know,
I was thinking,

every story
that he told us
is from a movie.

Like the one about
taking the steamboat
down the Nile?

That's The African Queen.

And the one about pulling
the scam on the mob guy?

That's The Sting.

Oh, not every story.

You're exaggerating.

Joe, an old
army buddy and I

started with this
single shrimp boat.

We built up
a big company.

Forrest Gump.

Oh, hey, Antonio,
I want you to meet

someone very special.

This is our grandfather,
Jack Hackett. Antonio.

It's an honor,
to meet you, sir.

The pleasure
is all mine.

Why, you broke your sniffer,
huh?

I got mine busted once
in the ring.

Oh, man, you were
a boxer, too?

I spent a few years
in the fight game.

I was going
to hang up the gloves,

then this big Russian
k*lled a friend of mine.

Why, I-I had to show him
who's boss.

( coughs ):
Rocky IV.

So, how did you break
your honker?

Ah, well, I...

I had a little run-in
with a squirrel.

Squirrel that k*lled my brother.

Hey, Grandpa,
want to see me
fly the plane now?

No, wait a minute.
Grandpa's going to teach
me how to play pinochle.

No, no, no, no.
He's coming with me flying.
I asked him first.

No, he's coming
with me.
No, he's
coming with me!

Boys, please.

How about this--

first I take the flight
with Brian,

and then after we come back,
why, Joey and I will play cards.

How about that?

All right.

Come on, Grandpa.

Let's get away
from him.

Hey, um, Joe...

I need to talk to
you for a minute.

What's up?

Well, it's about
your grandpa.

Oh, Grandpa...

you know, I love
the sound of that.

And he is such a cool guy.

He has been everywhere.

He's seen everything.

Yeah, I think he's seen
everything twice.

It's so great to know
that I have family.

You know,
what with Mom running off,

Dad being
in the nuthouse.

I can't tell you what it means
to have him here.

So what were you
going to tell me?

Oh, just that I'm happy
for you.

Oh, thanks, honey.

Well, listen,
when Grandpa gets home tonight,

get him to tell you
about the time he was in Spain,

and he ran with the bulls.

Can you believe it?
My grandpa ran with the bulls.

Oh, the bull's sure running
all right.

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm looking
for an old picture

of Joe, Brian
and Grandpa

so I can frame it

and give it to Joe
for a present.

Oh, okay.

Oh, look, Grandpa Hackett

with Joe and Brian,
aged two and four.

Wow.

Grandpa sure
has changed.

I swear, he is
a lot taller now
than he was then.

Oh, you know what?
Maybe he wears lifts.

My ex-husband Stuart did.

He's bald in
this picture.

He has a full
head of hair now.

Maybe he wears a toupee.

Stuart did.

I could swear his nose

is a lot bigger
in this picture.

Oh, he probably
had a nose job.

Stuart had one.

You know, I just had
a very weird thought.

So did I.

Why the hell
did I marry Stuart?

What if Grandpa is
not really Grandpa?

What?! Oh, come on!
That's crazy.

I mean, why would anyone pretend
to be their grandfather?

I don't know.

Money.

Oh, yeah.
That's probably it.

I'm sure he's after
the great Hackett fortune.

No doubt he got wind of Joe's
Indian head nickel collection.

All right, I don't know
why someone would do this,

but in this picture,
Grandpa has tattoos
on both his arms,

so if this guy's
the real Grandpa

then he'll have them, too.

Yeah, but how
do we find out?

Simple. We just get him
to take off his shirt.

Well, how are we
going to do that?

I know.

We will get him
a gift certificate
at a tanning salon,

and while he's
laying there

with those little
cups on his eyes,

we'll pay off
the attendant

sneak in there and
peek at his arms.

( imitates Ricky Ricardo ):
Gee, Lucy, you think
we can pull it off?

Do you have a better idea

of how to get
his shirt off?

There are my girls!

I just came down to thank you
for a wonderful dinner

and say good night.

Well, good night.

Oh, no, no, no!
Wait, Grandpa!
What?

Um...

Casey and I were just talking

and...

It's laundry night.

Yeah! It's laundry night!

You girls are pretty easily
excited, aren't you?

Well, I got a big pile
up in my bedroom.

I'll be right down with it.

No, no, wait!
What?

Because actually it's just...

shirt night.

Oh, just shirts.

Well, I'll go get
a couple of them.

Oh, no, wait, Grandpa.

It's just...

plaid shirt night.

Okay, come on.
Let's have it.

What, this shirt? I just put
this thing on this morning.

It's fresh as a daisy.

Well, good night.

Uh, Grandpa?
What?

Um...

In case you get thirsty
during the night,

Casey, why don't you get him
some grape juice.

GRANDPA:
Oh.
Grape juice?

Yeah, grape juice.

Good!

Oh, yeah.

( as Ricky ):
Grape juice.

That's a good one.

Here you go.

( yells )

Oh, my.

That is a big mess.

Well, it's too bad
this is just plaid shirt night.

Good night, girls.

Uh, Grandpa...

Huh?

Do you have any tattoos?

Tattoos?

I hate tattoos.

Never had one,
wouldn't have one.

Well, good night.

Good night.

Yeah, good night...

whoever you are.

(gasps)

I know what
you're thinking,

but it's nothing to do with the
stupid chain letter, okay?

It's all perfectly normal.

A pack of wild dogs
was chasing me.

I ran under a ladder

when a man happened
to be painting a sign.

Antonio, are you
missing an eyebrow?

Pilot light, oven,
small flare-up.

Could happen to anyone.

Hey, did Grandpa
come back yet?

Not yet.

Listen, I've been
thinking about this.

Since Grandpa's decided
to stay on the island,
Yes.

he can come live with me and
Helen while we finish our house.

Oh, no, oh, no, because
when you move out,

then there'll be plenty of room
for him to live with me.

Yeah, but I want him with me.

So do I.

You're not going to
take him away from me.

Don't make me
take you to court.

Oh, please. I'm married.

I have a stable home.

There is not a judge
in this country

that will give
Grandpa to you.

Joe, Brian, I need
to talk to you.

Oh, hey, Helen,
great news.

Grandpa's decided to
stay on the island.

Yeah, and Helen,
I was thinking he could
come and live with us.

Oh, I don't think so.

Come on, Helen.
He's family.

Oh, I don't think so.

Listen, I have
stayed up all night

trying to think of a way
to tell you guys this.

Tell us what?

He's not your grandfather.

What are you
talking about?

Hi, everybody!

Hey, Grandpa.
Hi, Grandpa.

Hi... there.

What, what shall we do
with the rest of the day?

Maybe go fishing.
Play a little pool,
how about that?

I got a game we can
play-- 20 questions.

I'll go first.
Who are you?

Okay...
Will you stop it.

Joe, I can't let this
go on any longer.

I found a picture
of your real grandfather,

and he ain't this guy.

Grandpa, I want to
apologize for Helen.

No, you don't have to.

No, I want to...

She's right.

No, she's not.

Yes, she is.

I'm not your grandfather.

I just pretended to be.

What... what, are you
out of your mind?

Well, yeah. That's
about the size of it.

All righty-dighty,
time to go now.

Hi, boys.
I'm getting out
of your way now.

Just a second.
You're not going anywhere

without an explanation.

What in the world
were you thinking?

Why did you pick us?

How do you even
know about us?

Yeah, what were you
after? Wait a minute.

Where's my
Indian head
nickel collection?

Hey, relax.

I'm only taking
what I brought

except for the masks.
They belong to you.

Well, you're not
going anywhere

until you tell us
who you are

and why you
pretended to be
Jack Hackett.

Oh, well, okay.

( sighs )

My name is Leonard Stanwyck.

Aha. So, that's
what you were after--

a better name.

No, no.

I knew your dad.

How did you know our dad?

He and I were roomies
in the loony bin.

He used to brag
about you guys all the time.

It got to the point where

I-I knew the Hacketts so well,
I felt like you were my family.

And since I don't have a family,
why, when they let me out,

I just thought
I'd come see you guys.

Wait a second. Back up.

They let you out?

Believe it or not,
I'm much better now.

So, all those stories
you told us about your life

weren't true?

Afraid not.

Not even the one about
the great white whale?

The only thing I told
you that was true

was that your
father loved you

more than anything
else in the world.

When he was lucid,
he used to go on and on

about what great guys
Brian and Joey were.

And these last couple of days,

I found out exactly
how right he was.

Well...

that's nice
to hear you say and all,

but... you deceived us, Leonard,

and we loved you like you
were our real grandfather.

I know I was wrong

and I'm sorry
if I hurt you guys,

but for once in my life,

I just wanted
to be part of a family.

And for a couple of pretty
great days there, I was.

Well, I'll be going now.

Wait a minute.

Did our dad really
talk about us a lot?

All the time.

You and that colony
of little people

that are living
in the core of the earth.

I'll be going now.

Hey, hey, wait. Where
are you going to go?

Well, I think I'll do
a little traveling--

maybe see some of those
places I talked about.

Well, um...

all right.
Good luck to you.

We'll...
we'll miss you.

Yeah.

Even though you're
psychotic and delusional,

you're the closest thing
to a grandpa we've ever had.

You really mean that?

Love you.

Yeah...

Oh, yeah.
I got to go now.

I got to catch the
ferry to Boston.

Ferry? Nothing doing,
I'll fly you.

No, no, no,
I will fly him.

No, I will fly him.

I will fly him.
I will fly...

Boys, boys, we can
all fly together.

Let's don't fight.

Sorry.
Sorry.