05x05 - Flowers for Matthew

[bunniefuu]

You finished
with the comics yet?

No.

How about now?

Hey, here, read this.

Yeah, nice try.

That's the paper that doesn't
have any comics in it.

Well, sometimes they have comics
on the editorial pages.

Yeah, but those are
always about that donkey

and his elephant friend,
which are just stupid.

Hey, where's the coffee maker?

Joe took it
into the break room.

What--? What, is it broken?

Well, how the hell
should I know?

I beg your pardon?

I'm sorry, David.
I just,

I haven't had
my "Sally Forth" yet.

DAVE:
Hey, Joe, what's with the coffee--?

Oh, no.

Relax, dude. This is all
part of an experiment

that society
will thank me for later.

What,
you're building a robot

with a coffee maker
for a head? What?

Listen, man, I don't bring
my home life into work.

So what's the point
of this experiment?

My hypothesis is as follows:

By combining certain vitamins,

amino acids,
and herbal extracts together,

I can make a drink

that actually increases
human intelligence.

Ah, the search for the elusive
homemade smart drink.

Hey, what's with
the banana peels?

Oh, that's for
the test subject. Test?

Joe, what have I told you
about experimenting on Matthew?

Relax, dude. It's not like
I'm testing cosmetics on him.

Sure, not anymore.

Man, even I admitted
that was wrong.

Here he comes.

MATTHEW:
Hey, guys, what up?

Oh. Oh, ho-ho.

Banana peel.
See? That's mighty slippery.

Someone could trip on that,

but don't worry,
I took care of it.

And, Joe, what are we
to have learned from this?

The results are inconclusive
at this juncture.

A little help, please.

[♪]

[♪]

That's a very handsome tie
you're wearing, Max.

Oh. Well, thank you.

I was about to say
the same to you.

I'm not wearing a tie.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Oh, you're a silly little man,
Max Lewis.

[LAUGHING]

Darn it! It's incredible.

I tell you,
it's just incredible.

"What's incredible, Max?"

Well, I'm glad you asked,
Lisa.

Yes?
I didn't ask.

Lisa, can you be trusted
to keep a secret?

You like Beth.

Shh!

Who told you?

You did, yesterday,

and the day before,
and the day before that.

You haven't told anyone,
have you?

If you like Beth,
just ask her out.

She obviously likes you,
you silly little man.

Yeah, but what if
she just wants to be friends?

Well, so she likes you
as a friend.

Lisa, I have friends.
What I need is sex.

You have friends?

No.

But what I need is sex.

Last week, you told me
you wanted a soul mate.

Yes. A soul mate
to have sex with.

Max, I don't wanna be
a confidante, okay?

I know, but it--

Does that car come with a V8?

This is a news station,
not a car dealership.

At least try to make
your lies plausible.

Okay, I'm sorry. I panicked.

How much is a driver's side
airbag, sir?

JIMMY:
Hey, Matthew. What you got there, son?

Smart drink.
Joe made it for me.

Oh, yeah?
Well, is it working for you?

Considering that Joe made it,
and I have no idea what's in it,

but I drank three quarts
of it anyway, probably not.

Quick question, Dave.

Oh, somehow I doubt that.

Touché. Anyway,

I was looking at this story
assignment that you gave me,

you know, "Donuts versus bagels:
which one Is rounder?"

Yeah?

And it kind of occurred to me

that this is the sort of thing

that we would never ever
put on the air.

Oh, I don't know about
never ever.

I do. In a way it seems like
it might be busy work.

You know, maybe keep me
out of your hair.

What?

Well, you know,
it sounds to me

like a very,
very special story, Matthew.

One that only
a very special reporter

like yourself could handle.

Well, that's--

That's very flattering,
of course.

But simultaneously,
a tad bit patronizing, no?

Matthew, is there another story
you'd rather do?

Well, isn't it almost time

for our annual
city budget review?

Actually, Matthew, that's--

Actually, that's correct.

I thought so. I'll just start
crunching the numbers.

Ha, ha, huh? Heh, heh.

That doesn't prove anything,
Joe.

What exactly is in that
smart drink, Joe?

What's it worth to you?

You got scientific
documentation?

I just updated my data.
Let's see.

"11:35 a.m.,

test subject now wicked smart."

Hey, Lisa, what's going on?

Three things are going on.
One, Max likes you.

Two, he doesn't know
how to tell you.

Three, he won't stop
talking to me about it.

Really? Max likes me?

It's supposed
to be a secret.

Why?
Don't know. Don't care.

But the ball's
in your court now.

Wait a second. Why doesn't
he just tell me he likes me?

Because Max is afraid

that if he tells you
the truth and you just--

Oh, God.

Just when I think I'm out,
they drag me back in.

Sorry. I guess I really
should've disinfected

before walking through the lab.
Shh!

Check it out. The guy is reading
four books at the same time.

I'm see that.
It's unbelievable.

If this pans out,
we're talking about a billion.

A billion dollars a year
in revenue

for James-Garelli
Pharmaceuticals Inc.

Garelli-James
Pharmaceuticals Inc.

Jam-Arelli Pharmaceut Inc.

Garm Phinc.

That sounds like a name
people can trust.

Hey. Hey, Matthew.
How you doing?

Never better.
DAVE: Uh-huh.

You fellas have a good time
talking about me in there?

How'd you know
we were talking about you?

Well, A, it stands to reason.
And, B, I was reading your lips.

You read our lips
like a computer?

No, like a deaf person.

Oh, here's that city budget
review I promised you, David.

Oh, well, thank you, Matt.

Also, I did an extrapolation

of the figures
for the next three years.

That kind of wrote itself.

Son, you really reading

all these books
at the same time?

Yep.

What about this one?

It's-- It's upside down.

Mr. James, no offense,

but have you ever read
four books at a time?

No.

Then don't tell me
how to do it.

Hello, you big chicken.

Hello, you little steak.

I just had a very interesting
conversation with Lisa.

Lisa who?

Lisa, who says
you have a crush on me, Lisa.

Hm.

What?

I don't have a crush on you.
That would be juvenile.

Well, then why would
she say that?

Because...

Lisa's in love with me.

[LAUGHS]

What?

Well, isn't it obvious?

Her every move,

her every emotion betrays her,
her secret passion.

Wait a minute. But if
she is in love with you,

why would she tell me
that you had a crush on me?

Ah.

See, well, my theory
is that she wants to see

what kind of a thr*at you pose.

I mean,
we are dealing with

some pretty sick,
twisted stuff here.

It's just so odd to me because
I always got the impression

that Lisa found you
kind of annoying.

No.
She's a slippery one, Beth.

I just hope
I can slip out of her hands.

Okay.

So, Matthew, you--?
You actually feel smarter?

No, David, I don't feel smarter.
I am smarter.

Really?

Oh, I was skeptical
in the beginning too.

When Joe first
gave me the drink,

I thought,
"This is highly unlikely."

Right.

No, actually,
my first thought was,

"I wonder if there's
a surprise in the bottom."

Then I thought
the other thing,

and that's when I realized
I was getting smarter.

But physically...?

Physically you feel okay, huh?

Honestly, Dave?
I've never felt more alive.

Whole new vistas
are opening up before me.

Mathematics, philosophy,
literature.

I finally understand
National Public Radio, David.

You understand
everything they say?

No, I understand
that it's boring crap

masquerading as bourgeois
intellectual discourse,

and therefore
not worth my time.

[♪]

LISA:
You know,

I used to have
a life of my own.

I used to sit at my little desk
and do my little job

and I was so happy.

No,
I was out of line and--

Out of line?

You told Beth
I was in love with you.

Well, I know.
I-- I panicked. But--

Hey, look, now that the genie's
out of the bottle,

why don't you play along?

Absolutely not.

No, no, no. No, no, no.
Absolutely not.

Oh, a little too real for you?

No, it's not.
I don't have anything

that even remotely resembles
the hots for you.

Okay, reminder:
I am a human being.

Tell her the truth, okay?
It'll be good for you.

It'll be good for her.
It'll be wonderful

for me
to have my life back.

You know what? You're right,
all right? And I'm sorry.

And I'll do that
and I'll handle it with dignity

and with grace.

Thank you very much.

I appreciate that. And--

God, woman,
can't you take no for an answer?

What just happened?

You know, I apologize, Lisa,
if you misinterpreted my vibe.

But that does not
give you license

to make my body
your plaything!

Lisa, you have
got to accept the fact

that Max
is not attracted to you.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Oh, my God, Max.

You were right. I'm so sorry.
I owe you an apology.

Oh, it's Lisa
we should be thinking of now.

She's so fragile.
Max.

Please don't
b*at yourself up about it.

No, I'm okay. I'm okay.

Okay, good. Okay.

No, no. I mean,
I do blame myself.

[♪]

Oh, I never really
thought of it like that.

Well, who thinks of allegory
these days?

Oh, I know. But I mean,
Star Wars as a metaphor

for the whole Nixon
administration.

I mean, that's fascinating.

Once you realize Lord Vader
represents McNamara

it all falls into place.

My question is,

Do you think that the people
who made Star Wars

intended it that way?

No, David.

I came up with that metaphor
realizing the best way

to explain
triangular diplomacy to you

is by comparing it
to a popular children's movie.

You know, I hate to admit this,
but it worked.

You know, it's kind of hard
to even, like,

you know, think of you
as Matthew, you know?

I can appreciate that.
Yeah?

If you'd prefer,
you can call me Smatthew.

"Smatthew"?

Short for "Smart Matthew."

Just an arbitrary way
to differentiate

who I am from who I was.

Ah, Smatthew, I like that.

I knew you would.

But wait, wait a second.

Okay, well, who's Nixon?
Yoda.

Now, see,
here it falls apart

because Yoda
was a wise old pacifist.

No.
Yeah, no, he was.

No, he was a--
Yoda was a Muppet.

The puppeteer
who made Yoda authorized

the secret bombing of Cambodia,
on the other hand.

Kissinger?
Exactly.

While losses were heavy
and brokers pessimistic,

Federal Reserve Chairman
Alan Greenspan said--

More after this.

Oh, a cliffhanger.
I like it.

First of all,
don't ever kiss me again.

Second of all,
don't ever kiss me again.

And third of all,
don't ever kiss me again.

I'm sorry. I panicked.

Doesn't matter.
That was beyond inappropriate.

What?
The kissing itself,

or the involvement
of tongue?

Ugh!

Both. Both.

I think you owe it to me
to go in there

and tell Beth the truth.

About the involvement
of tongue?

No.

About this massive lie
you have fabricated.

I can't.

Listen,
if I tell her I lied,

she's gonna think
I'm pathetic.

You are pathetic.

Well, obviously.

But she doesn't need
to know that.

Joe,
take his blood pressure?

It's 120/80.
Is that normal?

I have no idea.
All right.

It's well within the predicted
mean for a specimen of my age.

Check his pulse.
Gentlemen, hear me.

I am experiencing
no side effects.

Please leave me be.

Just a few more tests.

Joe, you wanna
see something cool? Okay.

His heart stopped b*ating.
His heart stopped b*ating!

Are you sure?
I'm on it. Call 911.

No need.

I've started it up again.

Just a little parlor trick
to amuse you, my friends.

Good, huh?

Yeah.

What you did was good,
Matthew.

Real, real good.
Real good.

Well, It's a simple matter
of training the mind

to control
the involuntary musculature.

Smatthew, do you wanna go
to a movie tonight?

But of course.
Excellent.

David?
Mm-hm?

Did you go to the movies
with the old Matthew much?

Well, uh...

If I lie to you, you'll just
see right through it, right?

I'm afraid so.

Oh, well,
then to be honest, no.

I kind of avoided socializing
with the old Matthew

as much as was possible.

Cretinous ape.

I'm sorry.

No, I was referring
to the old Matthew.

Yeah.

Hi, Beth.

Are you stalking me now too?

No. I just wanna tell you,
whatever Max said,

I don't have a crush on him.

We've been friends
for a long time.

Don't start lying to me now.

Why would I lie to you?

Because you're embarrassed.

You're in love.
It's understandable.

But the truth is out now,
so let the healing begin.

You know what?
You're right. You're right.

There's just something
about that brown little man

that sets my heart
all aflutter.

Okay. You're putting me on now,
right?

Yes, I am.

Could we please
drop the little fibs

and the lies, the games
and just get down to the truth?

Yes. The truth is--

The truth is
is that you have no intention

of letting Max Lewis go,
do you?

Well, that's fine. You can have
him, all right? Are you happy?

DAVE:
Hey.

What's going on?

Smart drink party.

Well, I have to admit that
that stuff is responsible

for some pretty major changes
around here.

It sounds like you're warming up
to Matthew a bit.

No, not Matthew,

Smatthew.

"Smatthew"? What does that--?
Oh, let me guess.

Smooth Matthew.

No, no, no, no, no.
Smart Matthew.

In fact, I'm gonna go
have a chat with Smatthew

since you guys obviously
have some drinking to do.

You can call me Smimmy.

And I just wanna sit
at my little desk

quiet as a mouse,

and not be involved
in any of this.

There, there.

It's so junior high school.

Well, it goes back
further than that, Lisa.

Try Euripides.

You've read Euripides?

I took a long lunch.

Well, what should I do?

Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

You okay?

Oh, I knew this
was going to happen.

I just didn't count on it
happening quite so soon.

What's--?
What's wrong?

It looks like Joe's smart drink
is starting to wear off.

I'll get Joe to make a batch.

No, it won't work.
Well, why not?

Because Joe's drink
is basically just a placebo.

It has no chemical effect
at all.

It does too have an effect.

Doesn't it, Smatthew?

David, Lisa,
Joe told the stupid Matthew

that the drink
would make him smarter.

The stupid Matthew
believed him

because he'll believe anything,
and thus, it worked.

I'm having a little trouble
following this.

Well, consider Wile E. Coyote.

When he runs of a cliff,

he can stay in midair
indefinitely

as long as he doesn't know
he's in midair.

Yeah.

Who is Wile E. Coyote?

Oh, a latter-day Sisyphus.
It's not important.

I just needed a cartoon metaphor
to help little David understand.

Ouch.
Wha--?

How much longer do you have?

I don't know. Not long.

[♪]

LISA:
Max, I have known Beth

for a long, long time.

And you just have to trust me
on this. Tell her the truth

and I guarantee you everything
will work out for the best.

Hi.

Hi, Beth.
Hey, Max.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Listen, I have something
to tell you

and it's not gonna be easy

so I think it's best
if I sit down.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Lisa doesn't have a crush on me.

And that was just a big, stupid
lie I made up because I was--

I just couldn't tell you
how I really felt about you.

Oh.

So you just lied to me
over and over and over?

Sort of.

Why?

Because I was embarrassed.

Max. Max, you didn't need
to be embarrassed.

Well, then you forgive me?

Not a chance in hell,
you loser.

So how'd that go?

Not very well.

That's okay.

Beth doesn't really usually
stay mad for long.

I hate you and I hope
you get run over by a bus!

[♪]

All ready to go to the movies,
Smatthew?

Who's "Smatthew"?

Smart Matthew.

Oh, right. He, um...

He kind of fades
in and out on me.

Mm-hm. Well,
whichever one you are,

I've enjoyed
talking to you today.

I know you did, David.
But don't be sad.

The butterfly lives
only a few weeks

but that doesn't mean
we cannot enjoy his beauty.

Let's try to enjoy
Smatthew's beauty

while he still
has a few hours left, shall we?

Yeah.

You know,
I kind of wish

you could have met
the other Matthew.

The stupid one?

Yeah, yeah.

Why?

I think it'd be nice
for you to know

that he really is
quite a sweet guy.

I did meet him, Dave.

Oh, how so?

Today, you were
my stupid Matthew.

[♪]

[♪]