05x06 - Jail

[bunniefuu]

Uh, anybody else have
any story ideas?

Uh, Max?

I have to go to the bathroom.

You don't have to ask
for permission, all right?

I know, but I hate to miss
anything at the meeting,

so if you could just pause
until I get back.

Fine, we won't do anything
till you get back.

Thank you.
All right.

Anybody else
have any story ideas?

Me, me, me, me.

Me, me, me, me, me,
me, me, me, me.

Oh, Matthew.
Thank you, Dave.

Well, my sources say
that the FBI is close

to making an arrest in that,
uh, D.B. Cooper case.

LISA:
Matthew.

Would your sources,
by any chance,

be today's New York Post?

Lisa, a reporter
never reveals his sources.

Do you even know
who D.B. Cooper is?

Yeah, he's the, um...

On November 24th, 1971,

a man calling himself
D.B. Cooper h*jacked a plane

and ransomed it for $200,000

and successfully
parachuted away with the loot

never to be seen
or heard from again.

Some think he survived the jump
and lived happily ever after.

No way, D.B. Cooper
parachuted to his death.

End of story.

Dave, I'd like to interject
something here.

Oh, of course, sir.

I don't think this story
shows much promise.

Yeah, well, actually,
I have no intention

of doing a story on
D .B. Cooper--

I don't wanna tell you
how to do your job. I'm just--

I'm just saying,
D.B. Cooper, who cares?

Uh, yeah, once again, sir,
I agree with you, so--

So, I, for one,
if you don't mind,

would like to say
that there's no way

that this station
should be doing a story

on D.B. Cooper.

Well, obviously
there's no way

I'm gonna win
this one, sir, so...

I'm sorry, everyone,
we're not gonna do

a story on D.B. Cooper.

The meeting
is now adjourned.

Jimmy James?
Yeah.

Oh, sh**t.

You are under arrest
for violation

of Federal Interstate
Hijacking Laws.

All right.
What the hell is this all about?

Huh? Oh, these guys
think I'm D.B. Cooper, so--

Have a good morning,
Mr. James.

Thank you, Max.

Did I miss anything?

[♪]

[♪]

Right this way.

[MOANS]

[GASPS]

Nice ass,
fresh meat.

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHING]
It's me, David.

I'm just messing with you.

I'm having fun.
Come on in here.

Thank you, Scotty.

Ah, welcome to Gattaca, son.
Eh.

Good to see you, sir.

Yeah, you too.
So-- So how's--

How's everybody
at the station holding up?

Oh, well, sir,
you know that, uh--

Um, they're all, I mean--

Everyone's worried sick
about you, obviously--

Oh, well, that's silly.
That-- That's just plain silly.

You-- You just tell them all
to relax.

My main office
is gonna be sending down

one of my middle managers
to help out.

Oh, well, that's--
That's terrific, sir.

But, you know--

Did I say sit
on my bed, bitch? No!

[LAUGHS]

I'm messing with you, yeah.

Well, sir, heh.
Excellent big house humor.

Tell you what, sir,
uh, you know--

We're all more concerned about,
you know,

how you're holding up, you know?

What do you mean?

Well, you-- Um...

You know, you're in prison,
and, um...

You're charged with hijacking,
and if you get convicted

you could go away
for 50 years--

And your point would be?

What's the gag? What is it?
Do you own, like, what?

Do you own this prison
or something?

No. No.

Is it like a promotional
stunt for some other company

you've got startin' up?

Like, uh, "D.B. Cooper's
House of Pancakes"? What?

No. It, it--
It's nothing like that.

I just happen to think
that there's no way

I'm gonna get convicted
on this D.B. Cooper thing.

Yeah, well, of course not.
Of course not. Yeah.

The government's case is all
circumstantial evidence.

Absolutely.

Not one shred
of hard evidence against me.

None exists, right?
Exactly.

Unless they find
that green duffel bag

that the money
was carried away in.

I mean, then I'd be
worried, yeah.

But, you know, as it is--

Why would it--
Why would it worry you if--

You know, if they were to find
this green duffel bag

that you're talking about.

Why would that worry you?

No reason.

Sir, I don't quite know
how to phrase this,

and so please forgive me.

Um, but...

Are you
in any way guilty?

Dave.

I'm not gonna lie to you.

And...?

That's it.
I'm not gonna lie to you.

[♪]

LISA:
Hey, Dave.

How's Mr. James doing?

Oh, uh, well, I guess
all things considered,

he's, uh, pretty comfortable.
Oh, great. Listen.

Next time you visit him,
see if you can slip him this.

A shiv?
Yeah.

It's the one I used
back when I was in juvie.

That bad boy saved my life.

Oh, look, you've even written
"bad boy" on it.

Well, as you might imagine,

I had a little bit
of free time on my hands.

Yeah, I can imagine.

Have you started working
on a story on D.B. Cooper?

Yes, I have, and I've uncovered

a lot of evidence that looks
really good for Mr. James.

Oh, good, good.
For example,

the flight D.B. Cooper h*jacked
was out of Portland, Oregon.

And as for the FBI's theory,

Mr. James did not live
in Portland at the time.

Oh, good.
Where did he live?

Maplewood.
Oh, where's that?

S-Suburb of Portland, but--

I-I-I talked to a couple
of the locals,

and apparently
it is quite a drive.

Well--

Joe.

Joe, what
are you doing?

What does it look
like we're doing?

We're practicing
busting Mr. James

out of federal prison.
Duhhh.

Nobody is busting Mr. James
out of prison, all right?

That's right, if anybody comes
around here asking questions,

that's exactly
what you tell them.

Okay, ready?
Get set. Go.

Okay, Joe has five seconds
to crawl through the air duct

and drop into the booth.

Time!

Got anything else
for me?

Um, yeah, I got...
some little stuff.

I have some of
Mr. James' old bank records

from the time
of the hijacking.

Nothing incriminating, I hope?

No, no, no.
Just a couple of large--

Large, what?
Large, um--

Large what?

Large unsubstantiated
cash deposits

made a week after
the hijacking.

But I'm sure
he can explain it.

Lisa, um, we are journalists.

And as such,
we must try to be unbiased.

Absolutely.

But I would prefer it
if the evidence

that puts Mr. James
away for life

did actually not come
from this station.

Me too, Dave.
I can't help what I found.

I'm trying the best spin
on it I know how.

I know, I know.
Just let me have a look here.

Now, it's all right, um...

Matthew, you're on
the D.B. Cooper story.

What?

[SCREAMS]

[GROANS]

Well, that was
very pathetic.

Let's do it again.

[SIGHS]

Max, what are you doing
under my desk?

Hiding.

Mm-hm. Obviously.
Now stop it and get up.

All right, now,
who are you hiding from?

G-men.

They got Mr. James.

What if they get me next?

Max, they're not gonna get you.
You're not guilty of anything.

Well, neither is Mr. James.

Right.

Look, I know it's silly,
but, I don't know...

It's just like ever since
I was a kid,

I've just had this unnatural
fear of prisons.

Look, Max, everybody's
afraid of prison.

Not like me.

I can just see it.

Those cold lesbian guards...

with their long batons.

The chow line.

Where everybody tries
to look up your skirt.

Max, I-- I just came back
from visiting Mr. James.

It's nothing like that.
All right?

Now, look, Dave.

I've seen enough
women-in-prison movies

to know what it's really like
behind bars.

Is there a Dave Nelson in here?

Um...

What was that?

Uh, that, um--
Oh, that was nothing.

Uh, can I help you?

Johnny Johnson,
Executive Vice President

for Eastern Operations
for Jimmy James Incorporated.

Oh, yes, Mr. James
said you'd be coming by.

Hi, I'm Dave Nelson.

I'm a fan, Dave.

Yeah, I flew in
from Kuala Lumpur

the second I heard
of this foolishness.

Oh.

Hey, is that Max Lewis
I see down there?

MAX:
It is.

Man, I'd give anything

to hear your dulcet tones
on the air.

I'm hiding from the FBI!

[LAUGHS]

Oh, you don't have to worry
about that, buddy.

If the feds come for you,
they gotta go through me first.

Really?
Oh, yeah.

Oh, then you got it, boss.

Dulcet tones it is.

[CHUCKLES]

I like that
little rascal. Uh-huh.

So the, uh--

The rest of the staff
pretty stressed out?

Uh, yeah, pretty much.

Then I guess it's up to us
to cheer 'em up.

Let's roll, partner.

Uh, listen up, everybody.

My name is Johnny Johnson.
I work for Jimmy too.

I'm here to help you guys out
during this crisis. Yeah.

Oh, great. Well, when
is Mr. James coming back?

Is he coming back soon?

Well, you know,
that's--

I see you're holding
a stopwatch.

Yeah.

Can that thing measure
a New York minute?

Because Jimmy could be coming
through that door any minute.

This is New York City.

I think the best thing
we can do for him is to, uh...

keep this operation running

at peak efficiency
until he gets back.

Don't you think
that's right, Dave?

Well, I--
You know it, pal.

You.

You have the build
of a man who fixes things,

makes them work.

Am I right?

Yeah.

I want you to run
another phone line for me

into Dave's office.

Oh, I'm kinda
busy right now.

Actually,
we're practicing

to bust Mr. James
out of the slammer.

Wow.

When Jimmy told me
you guys had heart,

he just didn't say
how big.

Okay,
you keep planning.

But first, why don't you
fix that phone line

while you go order lunch
for everybody on me.

Sounds good to me.

Thanks, Johnny.

Oh, uh, uh...
Johnny Johnson.

You must be Lisa Miller.

How'd you know that?

You don't have to work
in a rose garden

to recognize an American Beauty.

Uh, thank you, Mr. Johnson.

No, please. Johnny.

And that goes for everybody
in this office.

I don't see any misters
around here.

Hey, Johnny, did you hear me?
I was just on the air.

Sorry, slugger,
I missed you this time.

Oh, well, I--

I can't do it
if you don't listen, boss.

Yes, you can.

I wasn't talking to you.

[♪]

[WHISTLING AND HECKLING]

MAN:
Yeah, sweet stuff.

[MEN HOOTING]

Everyone here
is so friendly.

Yeah.

Yeah, they're good guys,
good guys.

So, uh, Matthew, what--

What brings you to prison?

m*rder. Ha-ha.

I'm just kidding.
I'm, uh, here to interview you.

Oh, okay, fine.
I got--

I got no secrets
from the press. Okay.

Have a seat there.
Good, because...

I'm not pulling
any punches on this one.

Uh-huh.
Okay? The kid gloves are off.

Okey-doke.

You just fire away,
Mike Wallace.

No. Matthew.

Go ahead.

Okay, well, let me, uh,
get right to the question...

All right.
that's on everybody's mind.

Mr. James,
are you Doobie Keebler?

No, uh, Matthew, I can
definitively state that no,

I am not Doobie Keebler.

Good answer, good answer.
Thanks. Anything else?

Yes.

Do you know
where Doobie Keebler is?

No.

What's your favorite holiday?
Thanksgiving.

And what's your favorite color?
Purple.

Are you Doobie Keebler?
No.

[WHISTLES]

You are good.

Well--

Well, that about
wraps it up for me.

Okay, well, good, good, uh...

Good interview.
Okay.

So, how's the--

How's the g*ng
at the station doing?

Oh, um...

They were
pretty tense. Yeah?

Yeah, until that guy, uh,
came from your office

and he helped
relax everybody.

Oh, who'd--
Who'd they send down?

Oh, um, I wrote it down
so I wouldn't forget it.

Doobie Kee-- Oh.

Johnny Johnson?

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

Oh, that's funny.
No, no, see?

What?
No, it can't be Johnny Johnson.

He's--
He's in Kuala Lumpur.

No, it is. I wrote it down.

No, it can't be.
Can't be Johnny Johnson.

Wait a minute.
A tall, heavyset guy. Yeah.

Devilishly handsome.
Real touchy feely?

Yes.
No, no, it can't be him.

I feel him, I feel him.
Are you okay?

Constricted a little bit.
I don't know.

I feel like
a caged animal, son.

I got to get outta here.
Let me out!

[YELLING]
Let me outta here!

Let me outta here!
Let me outta here!

[♪]

DAVE:
Johnny.

Did you put Lisa back
on the D.B. Cooper story?

I thought that's
what you wanted, guy?

No, that's what I did not want.

That was entirely your idea.

Wow, modesty.

You really are the complete
package, aren't you?

Hey, I pressed your jacket
like you asked, boss.

Well, I didn't ask,
and that's not my jacket.

But thanks anyways, champ.

Good work.

You bet, boss.

Now, listen, if you fellas
will excuse me,

I gotta make some calls.

Would you like me
to dial them for you?

Not this time,
but maybe later.

Say, Max,
what the hell are you doing?

I just can't help myself.

I feel so safe around him.
Don't you?

Well, I don't feel like

he's going to att*ck me
or anything.

Is that what you mean?

Exactly.
Not like the others.

[GRUNTS AND WHISTLES]

[COUGHS]

[GRUNTS]

I gotta tell you something.
What?

Privately. Privately.
What?

Privately.

I forgot to tell you
something really important

that Mr. James told me
about Johnny Johnson yesterday.

All right, what?
What is it?

Okay, I wrote it down
so I wouldn't forget.

Come on, come on, come on.
What is it?

Uh, "He's evil and must be
stopped at all costs."

I'll have to assume you're
misquoting him, all right?

No, no, no.
Actually, he wrote this down.

What?

See?
That's not my handwriting.

"He's evil and must be stopped
at all costs. Help me."

Matthew, why--

Why didn't you
tell me about this earlier?

Kinda busy, Dave.

You're-- You're the one

that assigned me
the Dobie Gillis story.

Look, Matthew,
just tell everybody

that I've gone down
to talk to Mr. James, all right?

Right, right, right.
Everybody, Mr. James--

Should have
wrote that one down.

D-Dave--

[♪]

Have a seat.
Ah.

You're not gonna shout
"bitch" at me again, are you?

No, Dave.

Sadly, the time
for jokes has passed.

This is serious business.

All right.
Now, sir, now...

Really right now,
don't you think you have

more important worries
than this Johnny Johnson guy?

Oh, Dave, being accused
of a major felony is nothing

unless that green duffel bag
magically reappears.

But what is not nothing
is Johnny Johnson.

He represents a thr*at
to my entire corporate empire.

It's like he's been
waiting years

for an opportunity
like that.

Well, sir, if he's out
to take over

your corporate empire,

why is he just hanging around
the station?

Dave, I have
a corporate empire.

Why do I spend so much time
hanging around the station?

You know, I don't know.

Because it is
the heart of the beast.

Oh, all right, sir.
Then, uh--

I'll just have to
go down there and throw him

out of the building.
Oh, Dave.

You know I think
the world of you.

You know I do.

But I mean, Johnny Johnson
eats the hearts

of little guys like you
for breakfast.

Sir, I'm serious.
Well, so am I.

Have you ever been
to a restaurant

in Kuala Lumpur?

[♪]

All right.

You'll find him in that office
right over there, gentlemen.

This won't take a second.

Dave, what's going on?

What-- What are you doing?

I'm having Johnny
thrown out of the building.

Why?
Well, because Mr. James says he's evil.

Dave, don't make up lies
about Johnny

just because
you're jealous of him.

Seriously, Dave.

Matthew, you're---

You're the one who first
told me that he was evil.

Yeah, that's before
I got to know him.

[LAUGHING]

Okay, okay.

Good to see
you guys again.

All right, who's the prankster?
Dave?

You almost got me.

[LAUGHS]

Good thing I hired those guys
in the first place.

Honestly, I can't turn my back
on this place.

[LAUGHS]

Look, he's evil, all right?

Look, he's evil. Come on.

Come on, you--

Look-- Oh, never mind.

LISA:
What's going on, Dave?

Oh, nothing.
Just that, uh--

Johnny Johnson is evil.

He's trying to take over
Mr. James' corporate empire,

and nobody believes me.

You know what?

I suspected something
like that myself.

You did?
Yeah.

I mean, yeah.

I mean, sure he's--
He's charming, you know?

And he's handsome.

And he's got
a really impressive physique.

What exactly is your point?
Well, I mean--

Maybe he's a little bit
too charming, you know?

A little bit too charismatic.

A little bit too sensual.

Again, get to the point.
Well--

It just makes you think
he's up to something.

That's all.
Well, yes.

I mean, I'm glad somebody else
can see that.

That's why I'm having drinks
with him tonight.

Well, he asked me.

And I think
it would be a good chance

to maybe try and figure out
what he's plotting, you know?

Yeah, that sounds a good plan.
Okay.

Good, uh...
Uh, do you mind if I knock off early?

Why?
'Cause I wanna change.

What-- What?

Dave, Johnny's evil.
He's not blind.

Listen, I think it's about time
you and I had a little--

Where's all the stuff
from my desk?

Well, I had it stored.
I hope you don't mind.

I do mind.
I mind quite a bit.

And why do you still have
my mother's picture out?

Oh, is this your mother?

Yeah...
Handsome woman.

Okay, you know what?
Johnny, you're just--

You're not welcome here anymore.
Do you understand that?

Dave, if I thought
you really meant that,

I'd just pack up my bag and go.

Well, I wish you--

[MOANS]

That's, uh--
Ooh, that's, uh--

That's quite
the green duffel bag

you've got there.

You like it?
It used to belong to Jimmy.

I found it while going through
some of his old stuff.

W-where?

Landfill in Mongolia.

Long story.

Hey, I think I know
what this is about.

Heh. Yeah, yeah,
I guess so.

Hey.

I get sensitive
about my mom too.

It's cool.

Hey, guys,
you have to hear this.

Come on.

LISA [ON RADIO]:
To repeat,

billionaire media mogul
Jimmy James,

accused of being

legendary skyjacker D.B. Cooper,

escaped from downtown
Federal Detention Center

just a few minutes ago.

Authorities are launching
a massive manhunt.

More news as it breaks.

Beth, Joe didn't, uh--?

Dave, trust me.

I worked with the guy
all week.

He's a washout.

Thank God. Thank God.

Everything's gonna be okay,
right, Johnny?

All we can do
is hope and pray

that Jimmy knows
what he's doing.

If you'll excuse me.

[LAUGHING]

There.

Do you hear that?
Huh?

Do you hear that?

What, Dave?

The sound
of Johnny weeping?

He's not weeping.
He's laughing.

Maniacally.

At least he can cry.

He's--

[GROANS]

Go.

[ALARM WAILING]

Mr. James?

The cavalry has arrived.

What the hell's goin' on?

Jimmy James just escaped.

Oh, man!

[GRUNTS]

Hey, somebody wanna
give me a boost?

A little help?
Anybody?

[♪]