05x10 - Spooky Rapping Crypt

[bunniefuu]

[MUFFLED]
Hey, Dave.

Hey, morning, Mr. James.

So, what's going on?

Oh, you know, not much, sir.

Oh, good, good.

Is, uh, is there something wrong
with your mouth?

No, no,
everything's fine, it's fine.

Are you sure? Why are you--

Why are you
covering it up with your hand?

Because I'm trying
to hide this.

What? Your-- Your great, big,
beautiful smile, sir?

No, no, no, not just--
Not just the smile, Dave.

It's the beam.
I'm beaming here.

I-I can't get this
thing off my face.

Really. Why? Are you profiting
from the collapse

of some foreign economy?

No. I-I wish, but no.

No, I'm about
to give the staff of WNYX

a great, big,
beautiful present

and you know
how I love giving presents.

Yes, well, uh,
may I ask what it is?

Well, you can ask,
but it might just make you beam.

I'm ready to risk it, sir.
Yeah.

Okay. Profit sharing.

Sorry? What?

No, no, employee profit sharing.

I read an article
in the paper this morning

about a soybean plant
in Georgia

and they gave their employees
profit sharing.

Their-- their productivity,
you know,

it went up, like, like,
300 percent.

I see, so, you're going
to give us profit sharing

in order to increase
our productivity?

No. Hell, no.
I-- I just want to see the looks

on their shiny,
happy people faces.

Dave, can we start
the morning meeting already?

Max is boring the crap
out of us out here.

Yeah, we'll be right out, Joe.

Joe's bored now, but, you know,

as soon as we drop the news
on him he's gonna--

Beam.
Bam, boom.

Yeah.
Come on, let's go!

And when we cut it open,
what do you think is inside?

Another boring story?

No, but that reminds me.

Okay, uh, let's get this meeting
going, all right?

Thank God.
All right, now, uh,

before we start,
Mr. James has an announcement

he'd like to make.

Yeah.
Actually, sir,

Would it be all right
if I went first?

I have something important
to talk about.

Oh, you know I can't
deny you anything, sweetie pie.

Oh! I was hoping
you would say that.

Okay, go ahead.

Um, this morning, I was reading
a newspaper, okay.

And there was this article about
a soybean plant in Georgia.

Oh, yo-yo-you read that,
did you?

Uh, yeah, I did.

Yeah, and, um,
they gave the employees

a share in the profits,
and then the productivity

went, like, sky high, like 300
percent or something, right,

And so, um, on behalf of all
the employees of WNYX,

I'd like to formally request

that you put us
on a profit sharing system.

Well!

I think you're going
to be pretty interested

in what Mr. James
has to say, then.

So, you--
You want profit sharing, do you?

Yes, I do, sir.

Well, you will get profit
sharing over my dead body.

[♪]

What's wrong with Mr. James?

I don't know. I, uh...

More importantly, Beth,

since when do you care
about profit sharing?

Well, I know you guys think
that I just coast along

on my funny outfits, and my,
you know, quirky mannerisms.

But down deep I'm a very
serious, cause-oriented person.

Hey, I have a cause.

Really? What is it, Max?

Cute girls with red hair.

Wanna have a rally?

Hello. I'm sorry
I'm late, everybody.

No one cares. Now, look.

This is some simple
misunderstanding.

Don't you wanna know
where I was? No.

Now, I promise I'll talk to--

Well, I'm late
because I just got back

from my first session
with my therapist.

Oh, then good.

Oh! Yeah.
Good for you, Matthew.

Yeah, that's right,
good for me.

Bad for you, Lisa.

What's that supposed to mean?

You know what it means,
all right.

Okay, that was weird. So, um...

I suggest we all pretend
it never happened.

All right? And the, uh,
meeting's adjourned.

Sir, do you feel okay?

No, Dave, I feel like jumping
out of this window. Why?

Why did she have to go and ask
for profit sharing, Dave?

Why'd she have to go
and do that?

Why'd you have
to turn her down?

I thought you wanted
profit sharing.

I do, I do, Dave, but then
she had to go and ask for it.

She screwed it all up.

I mean, you saw me, didn't you?
I was beaming and everything.

Yes, you were, sir. I'm--

But I'm afraid
I really don't get it.

All right,
just sit down for a second.

Le-Let me tell you
the first rule of business.

When an employee
asks for something,

don't give it to 'em.

Why not?

Because if I give it to 'em,

it looks like I'm caving in,

like I'm a-- Like I'm a caveman.

But, sir, uh,
cavemen didn't cave in.

Did some cavemen cave in?

Well, I would assume some did.

Well, point to Jimmy.

Okay, so, what?
So this means what?

No profit sharing ever, right?

No, it doesn't mean that.
It means when she stops asking,

then I'll give it to her.

Oh, well, if it makes
any difference to you,

you know, she wasn't speaking
for the rest of the staff.

She was acting on her own.

That's supposed
to make me feel better?

Beth is my favorite person
in this office.

I'm not going to pretend
that doesn't hurt, sir.

Oh, you, come on over here,
cupcake.

You know
I think you're great.

You're just great
and everything.

But, you know, Beth is like
a fragile, little helpless doll.

The hell she is.

Now, would you le-let me finish.

A fragile little helpless doll
who's now filled

with bile and corruption
and who must be crushed.

Joseph,
I need to talk to you.

So talk.

No, in private, please.
It's about my therapy.

Dude, no offense,
but one of the reasons

why we encouraged you
to go to therapy

is so you wouldn't talk to us
about your stupid problems.

I know, I know, I know, but this
is very serious. Please?

All right. What?
What's it about?

Well, my therapist
put me under hypnosis, right?

And in that state
I was able to...

[CHOKING UP]
Recover some memories

of some things
that happened to me.

What kind of things?

Satanic ritual abuse.

What?!
Shh! Please.

What, do you mean sacrificing
live chickens, stuff like that?

Nothing like that.
This was basically just...

Psychological t*rture, demon
worship. You know the drill.

Look, dude. I've read a lot
about this memory crap.

And, mostly, it turns out
to be totally bogus.

You know, I bet your parents are
probably completely innocent.

No, no, no. Not my parents.
You guys.

What?!
Shh!

It was, like, five or six
weeks ago. Don't you remember?

No.
Yeah.

Because you guys
were just victims like me.

But I happen to know
who the ringleader was.

Who?
Well...

Hey, you guys.

[HISSING]

Back off, witch.

I'll take care of this.

All right,
what the hell was that?

What was what?
Nothing happened.

I'm having
a perfectly normal day.

Paging Mr. James.
Mr. Jimmy James.

Right here, Max.

Mr. James.

Beth will now negotiate
with you

on the subject
of profit sharing.

Where?
In the break room.

Kind of table?
Table in the break room.

Arrival?
She's there.

Time limit?
None. Sucker.

Come on, let's get it on.

If you could just wait here
for a moment? Mr. James?

Uh, Beth's on a long-distance
call to Japan.

Oh.

Can I offer you a refreshment?

Yeah, I'll take a soda.

We don't have any soda.

Actually, there's a fridge
full of soda over there.

And I said,
we don't have any soda.

Wow! This is gonna be tougher
than I thought.

Hello, Mr. James,
I'm sorry to keep you waiting.

I was tied up
on a long distance call.

No problem.

Won't you have a seat?

Yeah.

It's kind of intimidating.

It's nice work, kid.
You're doing great.

Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.

But! If you think I'm gonna
give you profit sharing,

you are out of your mind.

I would not be so sure
about that if I were you.

Oh, yeah? Okay, fine. You--
You-- You want to negotiate?

Bring it on.

All right. That's fine.

[SHOUTING]
I will bury you!

What was that?

Oh, it's just
a standard opening move.

Now it's your turn.
Go ahead.

So you're telling me,

Lisa ritually abused you
in the break room?

Yes. Don't you remember?

Let me think.

Lisa Miller, ritual abuse,
break room. No!

Okay, maybe this
will jog your memory.

She decorated the whole room

with these huge,
hideous orange heads

that glowed in unearthly light.

Sorta like jack-o'-lanterns?

Yeah, sort of,
but much scarier, okay.

And then Lisa, acting as some
kind of ceremonial priestess

forced my head
into a bowl of water

and made me try
to bite this evil fruit.

Sorta like bobbing for apples.

Yeah, sort of.

But then we all had to dance
to this occult music, right?

We're all dancing around
to this crazy song

about monsters and vampires.

Sort of like the "Monster Mash".

Wait a minute.
It's coming back to me. Yes.

It was a lot like
the "Monster Mash"

except this was definitely
not a graveyard smash.

It sounds like you suffered
through quite an ordeal.

Yeah, don't I know it.

It also sounds
like you're talking

about the office
Halloween party.

Nice try. We did not have

an office Halloween party
this year.

Sure we did. You drank too much
of Max's spookadelic punch.

You wound out making out
with that girl from accounting

that smells like garbage.

Yeah, you passed out
right over here.

No, I think
I woulda remembered that.

You know what? You're right.
See?

We didn't have an office
Halloween party this year.

I know, see?
You know what?

I think you should devote
yourself to tormenting

the notorious ring leader
of WNYX ritual abuse club.

Yes.
Lisa Miller.

Excellent.

Now, here we see how we work
without profit sharing.

It's pretty pathetic, huh?

You said it.

[WHISPERS]
Max.

But here we see how we work
with profit sharing.

Wee.

Well, that's very scientific.

You understand.
So we get it. Right? No way.

Mr. James,
I represent the entire staff.

Max, does Beth represent you?

No.
And you're helping her because--?

She's a cute girl
with red hair.

[♪]

Ah! Put your hand in the garbage
disposal, huh? Mmm. Messy.

Ha-ha. Matthew
filled my purse with ketchup.

Why would he do that?

You don't wanna know.
That's true.

Well, well, well,

looks like the victimizer
has become the victim.

How's it feel?

Oh, God, those eyes. Back off.

Do you have anything
I can wipe this off with?

Uh, no, nothing handy,

but I was gonna get
French fries with my lunch

if you wanna wait.

Fine, Dave.

Now you've forced me into it.

I curse you, and your domain.

Dave?

Why does Mr. James hate me?

Doesn't hate you, loves you.

No, he used to love me,

but now I ask him
for one tiny, little thing

and he treats me
like the rest of you.

Well, that sounds
just terrible, Beth.

Look, you know what?

Just trust me on this,
all right?

Jus-Just give in
to Mr. James. No.

And everything
will be fine.

No, Dave. This is about justice
and doing what's right.

I am fighting for the American
dream, damn it.

The American dream
is profit sharing?

No. Dave. The American dream
is a six-pack

and a subscription to Playboy.

But how are we gonna get there
without profit sharing?

Okay, Beth. Let me tell you

the whole story
of what happened--

Ah, Dave.
When we-- Oh.

Well, well, well,

We meet again.

Oh, come on, honey,
why don't you just give it up?

I'm holding all the cards.
You can't b*at me.

Then I guess
I have to play my ace.

Oh, yeah? And what is that?

I quit.

Can't do that.

So you'll give us
the profit sharing?

Can't.

Well, it's nice to finally know
how important I am around here.

Fine, fine.
Jus--Just see if I care.

See if, see if I care.
Hasta la vista, baby.

No. No, Mr. James, no.

[♪]

What are you doing?

Welcome to my little
altar of terror.

Shoe's not so comfy when it's on
the other foot, is it?

Or should I say hoof?
Joe?

I'm just an impartial observer.

Put the voodoo doll
over the fire.

Oh, good idea. Here.

Hey, Lisa, anybody ever tell you
you have a hot ass?

Matthew, I did not
ritually abuse you.

Wait a minute.

I'm recovering
another memory. Yes.

I see you
in your ceremonial finery.

Some kind of red sash,
and-- And--

And a frilly shirt
and an eye patch.

A pirate. I was dressed
as a pirate for Halloween.

Sounds pretty satanic to me.

Oh, my God.

Then you made me make out
with some hideous she-demon

who smelled like garbage.

Ow!

Get away from me.

Okay.

You win this time,
but I will be back.

And you can tell
your little boyfriend,

Lucifer,
I'll be back for him too.

Joe, it is not funny.

All right, all right,
If I was you, I'd be pissed too.

Thank you.

But since I'm me,
I'm laughing my ass off.

[CACKLING]

Ow!

She-devil.
Save that stuff for the freak.

[♪]

Dave, don't-- Don't you see how
serious this is?

I made Beth quit.
And she'll be back, sir.

No, she won't be back.

She's got a little thing
called gumption.

She's got a little thing
called pride.

All right. Why don't you
stop being so stubborn

and give her her profit sharing?

Yeah, well,
if I only could, Dave.

But then I'd just be
Jimmy the Caveman.

thr*aten to quit,
he'll give you anything.

I'm a tortured soul here, Dave.

Sir, I think exactly who

is being tortured right now
is debatable.

Okay, Dave, this is serious.

Don't you realize
she's out there alone,

prey to all the wolves
that haunt

the mean streets
of New York City?

Sir, Beth is one
of the wolves that haunts

the mean streets
of New York City.

Okay, I'm gonna cry now.

Thanks for the warning, sir.

What do we want?

Profits.

When do you want them? Max?

Now.

That's right.

What do we want?

Well, Beth, nice to see
you back. What a surprise.

I'm only here to free
my oppressed co-workers, Dave.

Really? Tell me, Max,

how do you feel
about this whole thing?

I think it's silly.

But look how red she gets
when she gets excited.

She's like a glorious sunset.

Beautiful.

Beth, I think you're gonna
have to give this up.

I don't think Mr. James
is gonna budge.

I know you mean well, Lisa,
but with an attitude like that,

it's no wonder you've got blood
all over your shoes.

Damn it. Matthew?

Don't hit him
till I get there.

Beth, I know this sounds crazy,
but ju-just trust me on this.

If you really want
profit sharing, just give up

and Mr. James
will give it to you.

You know, Dave, unless
you're a federal mediator,

I would rather take this up with
the puppet master himself.

Hey, you talking about me?

That's right. I'm back.

Yes, sir, she's back,
and you're happy she's back.

This isn't your fight, son.

Beth, as happy as I am
you are safe,

I'm gonna have to ask you
to leave the building

before I have you thrown out.

You wouldn't dare.

Oh, yeah? I've called
the security guards.

Sir, what are you doing?
Come on, sh-she's back. Make up.

Dave, do I look like I'm wearing
a leopard skin loincloth to you?

Does it look like I'm dragging
my wife by the hair?

I can't back down now.

That's all right, Mr. James.

You can have me beaten
by security guards,

because one of them
is bound to be cute.

And while he's throwing me on
the pavement,

he'll fall in love, marry me,

and come back here
and give you a whoopin'.

Formidable, but you should never
tell an adversary your plans.

You know you can have me
thrown out, Mr. James,

but my message lives on.

Fine, but if you come back here,
I'll have you arrested.

Poor little lamb.

[♪]

Mr. James?
Yeah.

All of us would like to say

that we think you've treated
Beth very shabbily,

and would like you to do

whatever it takes
to get her back.

I don't cave in that easy.

Well, why not?

Because, next time
one of you guys wants something,

all you have to do
is thr*aten to quit.

Yeah, but we wouldn't do that.

Well, actually
I-I probably would.

Mr. James, can you
just please give in

to Beth's demands
so she can come back here

and we can
get back to normal?

And what will you do
if I don't?

Lisa will ritually abuse you.

Is that true, Lisa?

Yes, sir, yes,
if that's what it takes, yes.

All right. Come on, you too.
Come on. Come here. Come on.

All right, we're gonna
settle this right now.

Beth, tell Mr. James
you don't want profit sharing.

No, not on your life. I haven't
even begun to fight yet.

All right. Fine, fine.

Now, Mr. James,
tell Beth what you told me

before the meeting this morning.

Can't do that.

Oh! Look, Max,
this is a private meeting.

Look, Dave,
I know when I'm not wanted,

but that's when
I'm needed the most.

Okay, okay. Let's just--
Listen to me, Beth.

Mr. James wanted to give
you profit sharing.

Dave.
No, Mr. James.

But he wanted
to give it to you as a gift.

So when you asked for it
at the meeting,

he-he was afraid
it would look like

he was caving in
to your demands.

An-And you.

Sir, Beth believed passionately
in profit sharing, all right?

And then, because of her special
friendship with you,

apparently a friendship
that's more special

than all your other
friendships around here.

She was a little upset

when you wouldn't even
discuss it with her.

Is that how
you really feel about it?

Is that how you
really feel about it?

I am so sorry.

Oh, let's not
ever fight again.

BOTH:
Never, never, never, never, never, never.

Max?

Fine. I didn't wanna be part
of your stupid hug anyway.

Okay, look.
All right, let's go outside

and talk about profit sharing.

Well, that was
kinda sickening.

Yeah.

Want a hug?

Yeah, but don't tell anyone
about it.

What's the matter, Lisa?
Are we all out of eye of newt?

Matthew, for the last time,
I am not a witch,

and I do not worship Satan.
Now leave me alone.

Oh, really?

Well, there's only one way
to find out.

What's that? Ah, whoa!

What the hell is this?

A little liquid treat
I call water.

When does she start melting?

You did use holy water,
right?

Well, mineral water.
That's the same thing, right?

You know? I'm gonna go get

some crosses and stuff.
I'll be back.

Matthew.

What do I have to do
to make you stop doing this?

Just admit that you're
the unholy succubus

who tried to corrupt my immortal
soul and apologize.

I'm the unholy succubus

that tried to corrupt
your immortal soul.

I'm very, very, very sorry
and I'll never do it again.

Okay, apology accepted.
Great.

But that's not good enough.
God, no. What?

What else? What more
could you possibly want?

Teach me how to do it.

All right, first of all,
you're gonna need a live chicken

and a working knowledge
of Latin.

Okay.

[♪]