08x01 - p*rn for Pyros

[bunniefuu]

JOE:
Previously on Wings:

There was an accident.

(erotic moaning)

CASEY:
Fire!

Fire!

Fire?

Fire!

What is that?

It's a welcome home gift
for Joe and Helen.

Uh, kitten...?

We already gave them
a welcome home gift, remember?

We b*rned their house down!

JOE:
And then a year later,
there was...

well, kind of...
um, another accident.

What are you doing?

You can't light a cigar
in the house...

Oh, it's not our
house anymore.

Fire it up, babe.

Smoke, Joe! Smoke!

Trust me, I've already got
the pedal to the metal here.

Fire!
What?

Helen...

Yeah.

Brian's house is barbecue.

Maybe it just looks
worse than it is

because of
all the smoke.

And sh**ting flames.

Let's not lose hope.

I'm sure they
can save it.

MAN:
Stand back!
She's going down!

Boy, I was just
way off on that one.

At least we're okay.

Oh, yeah.

When you think of what
could have happened to us.

Yeah, it's
times like this

that makes you realize
what's really important in life.

Yeah.

Oh, Joe, I love you.

I love you, too.

So... what did you do?

What do you mean,
what did I do?

Well, fires don't just
start themselves.

You must have left
something on.

Well, I don't think I did.

Come on, think,
think, think.

I don't know--

um, the hair dryer,
the styling wand...

No, I turned all
my stuff off.

Now come on, think.

I don't know.

The last thing
I remember is

Brian and Casey
took the last boxes

over to our new house,
and we sat down

and then you got out
that cigar to celebrate.

And then you
lit the cigar.

And then you puffed on
that cigar for a while.

What difference does
it make how it started?

What's done is done.

You did put the cigar
out, didn't you?

Oh, would you stop obsessing
about that stupid cigar?

What's important
is all that garbage

about us not losing
each other.

You b*rned
Brian's house down?!

Shh!

We're okay, guys.

It's all right.

I wonder what's keeping
Joe and Helen?

They should have
been here by now.

I don't know.

I just wish
they'd hurry up.

I'm tired. I'm cranky.

I just want to get
back to my house.

Oh, it feels good
saying that.

My house.
(sirens passsing)

Hey, I got a room
there, too, remember?

Yes, that's true.

And you shall have
your little rented space,

but never forget that
it's contained within the walls

of my house!

(sirens wailing)

Sounds like some big fire.
I wonder where it is.

Who cares?

It's not my problem.

Hey, we've all got places to be.

Go around me next time.

Damn firemen think
they own the road.

Hi, Antonio.

Fay, help
me unpack.

Well, why don't you
just hand me

a sponge and a bucket
and point me to the toilet?

Oh, look at this place.

And right
on the beach.

You know what that
means, don't you?

Holiday weekends,

Fourth of July parties.

Yeah, right.

If you think you're ever
going to see this place again,

you're kidding yourself.

What are you
talking about?

They're not going
to be hanging out

with us inlanders anymore.

They're beach people now.

What do you mean,
"beach people?"

You know--
beach people.

You've seen them
with the tans

and the sandals,
the daiquiris...

and always with the volleyball,
volleyball, volleyball.

That's ridiculous.

Joe and Helen
are friends.

We're like family.

Uh-huh.

Oh, you're right.

Who am I kidding?

The only way I'll see
this place again

is if I fall off
the ferry

and wash up on shore.

Antonio, give Joe and
Helen a little credit.

Just because they
bought this house

doesn't mean they're going
to become beach people.

Helen!

Just let it go.

You're an inlander.

You're dead
to her now.

(Fay screaming)

What's the matter?
What's going on?

In the hot tub...

I saw...

Oh! Oh!

Hey, hey, there's no sign up
saying "suits required."

Roy, what gives you
the right

to just walk in
and use their hot tub?

What's the big deal?

So I came here
a couple of times

to sit in it and watch
the sunset, huh?

And occasionally
to have my morning coffee.

And once with Big Dot
from the gas station.

Would you look
at this.

Helen has a cow creamer.

Is that tacky enough for you?

Moo. Moo.

That's mine, thank you.

(door closing)

That's them!
Here they are.

Get a glass.

Get ready.

Ready?
Here we go.

ALL:
Congratula...

...tions!

FAY:
Oh, my God!
Joe, Joe...

You all right?

Why are you guys
wearing blankets?

Yeah, what's the matter?
What happened?

I... I've got
something to tell you.

Well, I've got something
to tell you, too.

You've got an algae problem
in that hot tub.

It doesn't bother me,

but Big Dot was really
sliding around.

You guys,

what's going on?

Brian, I've got
some bad news.

Now, I could
have sent

some stranger
to tell you,

somebody cold
and impersonal,

but I think you deserve
to hear it from me--

from the heart.

"At exactly 2100 hours,
Unit 42 responded

"to a fully-involved
level-four conflagration

"resulting in
the complete

dissolution of lot 49-B."

There, I said it.

Said what?

Joe b*rned
your house down.

Wh-wh-what?

It was an accident.

You... you b*rned
my house down?

I'm so sorry.

Wh... How, how bad is it?

There's nothing left.

My room, too?

No, oddly enough,
your second story room,

supported by no house at all,
is still standing.

Brian, I'm...

really, really sorry.

Fay, have you seen Brian?

Not since last night.

Didn't he come home?

No.

How could he just
walk out like that?

At least when he b*rned
Helen's house down,

I had the decency
to scream at him

and throw him out of my life.

Well, you've always been
the bigger person.

He lost everything
in that fire.

He hasn't even said
a word to me.

Oh, look. He's in shock.

He's not thinking
about possessions.

W-when my third husband d*ed,

do you think
the first thing I thought of

was the cruise
we booked to Bermuda?

The luggage
we bought?

The exciting new deck wear?

Whether I could get
a rain check

on the sister ship that was
leaving Fort Lauderdale

for St. Thomas in two weeks,

which, thank God,
it turned out I could?

My new lavender shoes?

Gone.
All my makeup?

Gone.

My gold locket?

Was your locket
made of asbestos

and buried in a fireproof
safe underneath the house?

Course not.

Gone.

Casey, I know what
you're going through,

but you're just going
to have to face the fact

that you lost everything
in the fire.

All right.

Okay?

All right.

My blue Donna
Karan dress?

That's not your blue Donna Karan
dress-- I lent that to you.

Oops.

Gone.

Brian? I...

Gosh.

Look at him.

What are we
going to do?

It's not
good for him

to keep this all
bottled inside.

Let me try. Maybe I can
get him to open up

just a little bit.

Brian?

My house is gone!

My life is gone!

The only thing in the world
that says

that Brian Hackett
was ever here

is this juicer.

Hey, th-that's mine.

Don't you people ever
return anything?

Now...

now I really

have nothing.

Brian, I'm really,
really sorry.

Oh, come on.

If you had a shred
of decency,

you'd scream at me.

Come on, hit me.

Hurt me, humiliate me.

Come on, man,
I need it.

Call this number
in Boston.

Ask for Katrina.

She'll put you right.

HELEN:
Come on, Brian.

I know how you feel.

You b*rned my house down.

I lost everything.

How could you possibly know
how I feel?

Last year, you b*rned
my house down

and I lost everything.

That's a completely
different thing.

I know it's hard for you
to believe this right now,

but it's going to
get a lot better

when you get your
insurance check and...

You know, that's right.
She's right.

You get a big
insurance check

and you'll start replacing
things, and bit by bit

your life will come
together again.

Yeah, yeah, a check.

Money-- like that's going
to make everything better?

Do you know what I lost?

No, really, I'm asking you.

Do you know what I lost?

Because right now
all I can think of

is a damp old house
with some lousy plumbing

and some ratty
old furniture.

And a clock radio
that I borrowed from Fay.

Nothing my insurance check
won't cover.

Your big insurance check.

Your big fat
insurance check.

Joe? I'm a-gonna get
a big fat check.

Oh, yes, you are

and everything
is going to be okay,

so, tell me--
do you forgive me?

Forgive you?

You b*rned
my house down.

I love you!

Check, please!

Check, please.

Check, please.

Check, please.

Check, please.

Excuse me.
Excuse me.

I am looking
for a Brian Hackett.

I'm a Brian Hackett, but you're
gonna have to give me a minute,

I'm dancing with my brother.

Check, please.

Check, please.

Fine. Soon
as you boys

decide to sit one out,
let me know.

I'm Claire Barnett
from Whitewood insurance.

Hell-o.

You insurance guys
are really fast.

And good looking.

Incidentally,
I'm not from claims.

I'm from...

investigations.

Oh, flip that badge.

What's to investigate?

It was a fire.

Who are you?

I'm Joe Hackett.

Oh, yes. The brother.

It was just about a year ago,
you and your wife were paid

a six-figure settlement
for another fire.

Hold it. What has our fire
got to do with anything?

We already
got our check.

And now I want
my check.

My big fat check.

Before you get

your big fat check,

I got some big fat questions.

What questions?

And you are?

Casey Chappel.

Oh, yes, co-starter
of the first fire,

co-victim of the second.

There's no problem,
is there?

Is there someplace
we can talk in private?

You can use
my office.

Good. Let's get started.

One at a time.

You first.

I'll bet a woman like that

could wear wool
without an undershirt.

Thank you all
for your time.

You'll be
hearing from us.

Hold it a minute.
That's it?

"You'll be hearing
from us"?

Yeah, we answered
all your questions.

I think you should tell us
what's going on.

I'm beginning to think

that there might be some
delay with my check.

A delay with your check?

You people don't get it, do you?

We're talking about arson
and insurance fraud.

That's a crime.

Maybe on this quaint
little island,

they tie you up
in the town square

and they lob fruit at you,

but where I come from,
they toss your can in jail.

Now, if you'll
excuse me,

I am going
to write up my report.

Arson?

Insurance fraud?

What the hell
just happened here?

I don't know.

But we didn't do
anything wrong.

Yeah, well, that investigator
sure thinks we did.

HELEN:
This is crazy.

It was an accident.

How could she
possibly think

we would set that
fire on purpose?

Obviously, somebody
said something

that made her
suspicious.

Who?

It wasn't me.

It wasn't me.

I didn't say anything.

Well, it sure as
hell wasn't me.

Look, I didn't
do anything.

I didn't.

Well, I didn't!

Just relax, Mr. Hackett.

I haven't even asked you
anything yet.

And if you didn't...

I didn't!

Then you have nothing
to worry about.

Smoke?

I don't smoke.

Really?

According
to the report,

you stated
that the fire

was touched off by a cigar.

That's right.

But you don't smoke,

so I guess it
must have been
an unlit cigar.

No...

uh, no, I lit it.

So you lit it, but
you didn't smoke it

because as you just
said, you don't smoke.

I only smoked that one time.

So the one time
in your life

that you smoked, you
b*rned down a house.

Exactly!

No, wait--
that didn't sound good.

Oh... you know what?

I want to ask you something.

What?

Why do I have to go first?

I'm a little confused
about something--

once you saw the cigar
setting the house on fire,

why didn't you call
the fire department?

We didn't see it
set the house on fire.

We weren't there.

Well, of course not.

I wouldn't hang
around either

if I'd just
torched a house.

No, we were there...

Oh, so now you were there.

Which is it?

Well, we were upstairs.

Upstairs?

What could you possibly

have been doing upstairs

that you didn't notice

that the house was on fire?

We were... we were having...

sex.

What?

Sex-- we were having sex.

Wait a minute.

You are telling me

that you were so involved
in having sex

that you didn't smell the smoke,
feel the heat?

Sure, but I just thought
Joe was really on his game.

Haven't you ever had the kind of
hot, sweaty, out-of-control sex

that you lose all sense
of what's going on around you?

Well, I guess not.

So, you expect me to believe
that two houses b*rned down

because the people inside
were lost in the throes

of some kind
of sexual frenzy?

It happens.

Not according
to our records.

I ran the possibilities
through my computer

and the answer came up:

"No freaking way, cupcake."

I'm sorry.

I just don't buy it.

Okay, then.

What would you buy?

I want to make this
very easy for you.

What would get me
my check faster?

You seem very eager
to get that check.

Are you kidding?

Joe and Helen got a beach house
out of the deal.

Now it's this boy's turn
to cash in and...

and-and donate a major portion
of that money to...

to orphans...

uh, unwed moms...

insurance investigators?

Let's cut through
the bullion.

This was a very neat
little scheme--

you burn down
their house,

they burn down
your house,

everybody
gets a check

and the next thing you know,

you're beach people.

We would never do
anything like that.

We're innocent, I tell you.

Innocent!

You have to believe us.

If you take that money away,
we'll lose our house.

Oh, please, don't make me
go back to being an inlander.

Um, by the by,

do I get the money
in one lump sum

or do you weenie it out
over 20 years

like the lottery?

You look pretty smart.

I bet you were the brains
behind this little scam,

weren't you?

No.

No!

No.

Well, if there was a scam,

I'd certainly be
the brains of it.

Who wants to
say it first?

No one?

Okay, I will.

We're screwed.

We can't be screwed.

We're innocent.

Two fires in a year

in the same family

both caused by sex?

I know it's
the truth

and I don't
even believe us.

You know that woman
never will.

Oh, yes, she will.
She will.

You know why?

Because it's
the truth.

Trust me-- we've got
nothing to worry about.

Where you going?

Call a lawyer.

Good idea.

We are so screwed.

I'll, uh... just put
your bag down over here

if that's okay.

What are you looking at?

Nothing.

Nothing.

You've been staring at me

from the moment I walked
into that airport.

No, I haven't.

Yes, you have.

Don't deny it.

I'm a very observant person.

You were checking me out,
weren't you?

No.

Weren't you?

No!

Weren't you?!

Yes!

Yes, I've been
staring at you.

I can't help it.

From the moment
I saw you,

you stirred a passion
deep inside me.

I just can't take
my eyes off you.

There, I said it.

Am I in trouble?

I think we're both
in trouble.

Okay, you guys, we got
to be at the lawyer's

in about ten minutes.

Yeah, um...

about that...

Yeah, Brian and I...

aren't going.

What do you mean?

Well...

we changed
our minds.

What's going on?

Something stinks here.

Yeah.

I think they
cut a deal.

Oh, that's
ridiculous.

Right. At this point,

there's only been
a conversation.

A conversation, huh?

You're wearing a
wire, aren't you?

Ahh!

How could you
do this?

My own brother...

my blood...

I danced with you.

There is no point

in all four of us
going to prison.

So you'll get five to ten.

You'll be out of there
in 2 1/2 years.

You can do that time
standing on your head.

Although I wouldn't advise
doing it that way.

You'll just be inviting trouble.

Well, if we're
going down,

you're going
down with us.

JOE:
It's all right, Helen.

We're not going anywhere.

Oh, that's right.

It's our word
against theirs.

Now, wait a second.

What makes you think

that they would
believe you over us?

Because we're
beach people.

I knew it would
come to that!

I knew! I knew it
would come to that!

(all bickering)

About that check--

it'll be in the mail.

I can't believe
it's come to this.

Hey, we had
no choice.

Come on, we could be
in jail right now.

Let's face it, Helen--

this... is the lesser
of two evils.

Great game, fellas.

Hey, Joe, we got winners.

Helen, what's keeping
those daiquiris?