08x02 - ...Like a Neighbor Scorned

[bunniefuu]

Oh! Here, Antonio,

let me help you
with that.

Wow. That's heavy.

What's in here?

All that remains
of my late uncle Bernardo.

Ah!

I hope we've learned

a little something
about volunteering.

No, no. These are
his personal effects.

My family wanted me
to have them.

They always said
Uncle Bernardo and I

were alike in so many ways.

Oh. That's sweet.

What did he do?

Uh, he was a poor,
pathetic wretch of a man.

He cut hair for 50 years,

lived in one room
behind his shop

never married and d*ed alone.

I don't know
if you look like him

but you sure got
the lifestyle down.

Well, let's see
what priceless family heirlooms

I've inherited.

Some old letters...

Ah. His old arch supports...

Oh. They're scented.

You're right.

No. No, Antonio, the letters.

And lovely handwriting,
signed "con amore."

Apparently your uncle was having
quite an affair

with some woman named "Gina."

No way.

Yeah.

Let me see that.

"G. Lollobrigida"?

Oh, my God!

Gina!

Gina Lollobrigida!

These are love letters
from Gina Lollobrigida!

When I was growing up,

she did make a movie
in the next town

and Bernardo used
to go and watch.

What's going on?

Well,

it seems my Uncle Bernardo

was having an affair
with Gina Lollobrigida.

( wheezing laugh )

Your uncle and the sexiest
movie star in Italy?

Well, I'm not surprised.

Did I ever tell you
about my mom and Warren Beatty?

That's still going on, you know.

Oh, did I ever
tell y'all

about the time
that Michael Dukakis

was running
for president

and his cousin, Olympia Dukakis

came into this very airport

sat on that very stool
and said

"Great cup of coffee."

"Are you sure
you're not Greek?"

I told you that already?

Look, we live
on this little island.

We see each other
every day.

Let's face it:

We have absolutely
nothing new

to tell each other.

Hey, Joe.

Oh, Helen,
did I tell you we got

the neighbors' mail
by mistake?

Really?!

Sit right down.

Tell us all about it.

Well, okay. I guess
it is pretty interesting.

Well, it all started out
this morning

when I went out to get the mail.

The first letter I opened
was from the electric company

and I thought, we do not average
80 kilowatt-hours a month.

Then I realized...

...it was a two-month bill.

So she thought
you were Greek, huh?

Those were her very words.

Sat right there.

Wait, wait, you didn't
let me get to the best part.

Really? You mean you can
top that kilowatt thing?

Well, listen, I took the
mail over to the neighbors,

we got to talking.

They seemed like
nice people

so I invited them
over to dinner tonight.

That's great.
That's a good idea.

I want to get to know
our neighbors

and do all that great
neighbor stuff,

like having them
borrow our lawn mower

or feed our dog,
or watch our kids.

FAY:
I have a nice neighbor,

Old Mrs. Babcock.

A lovely widow.
We've been friends for years.

Well, at least I thought we were

but lately,
she's been snubbing me.

I haven't seen or spoken to her
in weeks.

I've left messages
on her machine.

She doesn't call back.

I pound and pound on her door,
no answer.

Newspapers are piling up.

The TV is on
24 hours a day

like she can't
just get up and...

Excuse me.

Hello, there.

What's up?

Oh, nothing much.

I met the people
who live next door.

Yeah, he invited them
over for dinner.

Oh, no. No, no.
Big mistake. Big mistake.

You get too friendly
with your neighbors,

you never get rid of them.

Here, observe:

The only correct way
to greet a neighbor, all right?

Yeah.

Well, Brian, they're
coming over. That's it.

Well, I mean,
I live there, too, you know.

Don't make me put my foot down.

Put your foot down?

All I'm saying is...

No, no. Listen--

you are a guest in my house.

You have no say.

You have no foot.

But...

You have no "but."

Uh, Joe, I'll be back
in about an hour.

Where you going?

I have to go downtown
and... identify something.

And Ms. Olympia Dukakis
sat right there,

and she said,
"Great cup of coffee."

are you sure
you're not Greek?

( laughing )

That's wonderful.

Barbara, I've got
to tell you something--

this is the best peach cobbler
I have ever had.

Oh, please call me Babs.

And I have a teensy
confession to make:

I found out peach cobbler
was your favorite

form your lovely wife,
who's just a peach herself.

Oh, stop.

Thanks, Babs.

More coffee?

Love some!
Love some!

Oh!
Oh!

( laughing )

Oh, Brian, hey.

Uh, Steve, Barbara,
this is my brother, Brian.

Hi, brian.
Hi, brian.

Yeah.

He seems nice.

Yes, he does.

Well, look, we hate
to call it an evening

but we've got to kind of
get up early tomorrow, so...

Thank you for such
a wonderful time.

That Dukakis story
is a k*ller.

STEVE:
Oh, geez,
I almost forgot.

Uh, in case
of an emergency,

um, we'd like you guys
to have a set of our keys.

Oh, oh. Okay.
Are you sure?

Joe, yeah. Sure,
we'll take your keys.

Great.

And, uh, now,
how about yours?

Ou-Ours..?

Oh. I mean, I guess...

Well, we totally understand.

I mean, if you don't,
you know... trust us... yet.

Oh, no. No, of course.

Let me... let me
get you a set.

Well, if you can't
trust your neighbors....

STEVE:
That's right!

Terrific. Buddy.

Big guy.

Come here.

Helen.

And you come
here. Come on.

Babs.

Night.

Bye-bye.

Good night.
Take care.

Thanks again.

Joe! We have neighbors!

Yes, we sure do.

You think it was
just a little weird, though,

that we exchanged keys?

I mean, we just met them.

Joe, I know these people.

They're honest people.

They're good people.

They're people
that appreciate

a good Dukakis story.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Anyway, it's like
Steve said--

it's only in case
of an emergency.

Oh! Geez.

Oh, honey.

Darn it. I just bought
these pants.

Take 'em off, and I'll just
throw 'em in the washer.

( key turns in lock )

oh.

Uh...

We almost forgot.

Uh, tomorrow night.
Our place.

8:00 sharp.

Don't be late.

Giddy-up, big guy.

( clicks tongue )

So, uh... we're on
for tomorrow?

I can't believe
I'm going out with a man

I just met in a cab.

Yeah, but you never met
a Scarpacci before.

A domani.

Ciao.

Oh, close your mouths.

I'm simply following
in the footsteps

of that legendary lover...

Uncle Bernardo.

It's all in the genes, baby.

Uncle Bernardo had it,
I've got it,

and tomorrow night...

I'm giving it away.

Ah! Joey, guess where
we're going tonight.

( playing blues lick )

Our separate ways?

No. I've got four tickets
to the blues festival

in Boston tonight,
so what do you say--

you, me, Casey,
and Helen go...

Sorry, but Helen and I

are doing something
with the neighbors.

Two nights in a row?

No, you can't
do this, Joe.

You cannot do this.

You're turning into
a suburban geek.

You're one step away from
hosting a Tupperware party.

( knock at door )

Hiya, buddy boy.

Hey, Steve, come on in.

Oh, hi, Brian.

( grunting ):
Yeah.

He's okay.

Hey, what's up, man?

Well, uh, I know
we're on for tonight

and everything,
but, uh...

well, I just couldn't
wait to give you this.

Wow!

CDs!

Mm-hmm.

"Peaches and Herb"!

This is so great.

Hey, listen, if
there's ever something
I can do for you...

Oh, come on, please.
That's not what this is about.

Don't worry about it.
Oh, great,
Well, okay, then,

I guess I'll see you...
Well, maybe there
is something.

Sure. If there's something
I can help you with.

I need five grand
by Tuesday.

Wha-What?

How did I get in so deep?

Oh!

I'm weak! I'm weak!
That's what it...

I'm sorry, man.

I don't want to lay
this on you, really.

Okay. Well...

thanks for the CDs.

It's, uh...
it's gambling, Joe.

I got myself a little problem
with the ponies.

Well, that... sounds really bad.

Hey, hey...

don't you judge me, man.

Okay?

Listen, I just think

that maybe you should
talk to Barbara.

Barbara? No!

Are you crazy? Barbara?

If Barbara found out,
she'd leave me.

Don't you understand?

You're the only one
in the world I can turn to.

Okay, listen, Steve, I
can sympathize with
your dilemma...

Yeah, here comes
the big "but", right? Okay.

No, no, no. No "buts"...

but with the new house
and all the expenses...

Yeah, right. Okay, look--

I'm gonna be fine. I'm sure I
can tap-dance for these g*ons

a little bit longer.

I mean, it's not like we're
totally out of silverware.

I could probably melt down
another spoon or two.

That's fine.

Okay. That sounds
like a plan.

Okay, shake it off, Stevie,
shake it off.

There you go.

( sighing ):
Okay.

Ah, well... great.

I'm looking forward
to tonight.

Yeah, uh, Steve...

about tonight...

What about it?

About... 8:00?

Let's make it 7:30.

You and me can catch
the end of the game.

I got two big ones
riding on it... my legs.

( doorbell rings )

I hope you don't mind--
I just saw you get home.

I thought we could have
a little tea

and blackberry jam together.

Oh, wow! I love
blackberry jam.

I hope you didn't go
to too much trouble.

Oh, please.

I use the "open
kettle" method.

What's four hours
out of the day?

No biggie.

Open kettle method?

I usually just open a jar.

( both giggling )

This is nice...

Helen?
Mm-hmm?

Can I ask you
something?
Surely.

How often do you and Joe
have intercourse?

Steve hasn't touched
me in ten months.

Toast point?

Thanks.

Can I get an
honest opinion?

Sure.

You think my breasts
are too small?

Mmm... no, no, no.

Okay, you can go ahead

and cover those
babies up now.

Now you sound
like Steve.

You okay?

You seem a little nervous.

Uh-uh.

Oh, wait a minute...

okay... this all
makes sense now.

You're boinkin' Steve,
aren't you?

Oh, would you listen
to me? My God!

Where would you have
the time for Steve

what, with you and
Joe going at it
all the time?

What?

Oh, I've been watching.

I see those bedroom lights
going off around 10:00

and that glow I see
isn't from the TV--

winky, winky.

Helen, you would not believe...

oh... hi, Babs.

Hi, Joe.

Oh, my gosh, what am I
doing sitting here?

People are coming over
for dinner in a couple of hours.

I got to get home
and baste the bird.

Oh! Better bring
your own spoons.

I seem to be running short.

Listen to me--

I know how much
you like Babs...
No, listen to me....

No, no, no, listen, listen--
her husband is a psychopath

whose only redeeming quality
is his taste in music.

She is crazier than he is.

What-- really?
Are you sure?

Trust me. I know Babs.

I know more than I want
to know about Babs.

I know Babs' boobs.

Okay, all right.

That's enough information.

We got to stop this dinner.

There's no way we're spending
another evening

with these people.

How are we gonna get out of it?

Well, I think
that's pretty simple.

We just make up an excuse,
and we stay home.

No. They'll see through it.

They watch us, Joe.

They watch us real good.

All right, then we'll say
that you have a sick aunt,

and we'll go spend the night
in Boston.

No. We are not gonna let

those horrible people

force us to spend the night
away from our home.

You know what?
You're absolutely right.

We're not going to let them
push us around

and take away our dignity.

HELEN:
I can't believe we are
sneaking into our own house.

How's your leg?

It's bad, Joe.

The Hendersons' dog
really clamped on.

No, no, no!

No lights.

Oh, yeah.

Do you think they bought the
sick aunt story?

Yeah, sure.
Why wouldn't they?

(latch clicking)

Freeze, scum!
Right there!

One more step
and your brains
are on the wall!

Okay, on the floor,
spread-eagled!

Move it! Now!
Now! Now! Now!

Hands up where
I can see 'em.

All right,
cuff 'em, Babs.

Wait a minute!
Wait, don't sh**t!

Don't sh**t. It's us.

All right,
hold your fire.

It's Helen and Joe!

Hi, neighbors.

What are you guys
doing back?

I thought you
said you'd be
away all night.

Um...
Uh... well...

Good news.

Yeah.

Uh, Aunt Sophie d*ed,

so there was no sense
in hanging around.

Uh-huh, okay.

Well, I think I know
what's going on here.

You people just wanted out
of the evening, didn't you?

There's no dead Aunt
Sophie, is there?

Well...

Is there?!

Listen, we're
very sorry.

We didn't mean to...

Hey, whoa-- save it,
sister, okay?

You want to be those kind
of neighbors? Well, fine.

We can be those kind
of neighbors too.

Sweet dreams.

Hello, friends.

Is the, uh, 2:00 flight
from Boston on time?

I think so.

Are you expecting someone?

Just a little lady
who's fallen victim

to the legendary
Scarpacci charm.

Antonio, what a beautiful watch.

Where'd you get it?

It's just part
of the legacy left me

by my late great Uncle Bernardo.

There's a compartment
in the back

and it has a picture inside.

Really? I didn't
even notice.

Ah, there's
Uncle Bernardo.

That hound.

Who's the guy next to him
with his arm around him?

My, what a handsome man.

Oh. Look.

There's something written
on the back.

"My darling Bernardo,

our love will last
till the end of time."

"Forever yours, Gino."

Let me see that.

( laughing ):
Oh, sure.

Your uncle was having an affair

with Gino Lollobrigida,
not Gina.

( laughing )

Gino?

Not Gina?

That's... that's not as good.

Joe.

Don't sh**t!

No, honey.
It's just me.

I'm sorry.
I'm just tired

from guarding the house
last night.

About 4:00 a.m.,
a car backfired.

I b*at the crap
out of a lawn jockey.

Oh, man, that blues festival
was fantastic.

I got the blues.

( scatting )

Yeah. 12 solid
hours of songs

about desolation,
destitution, desperation.

I didn't know whether
to dance or hang myself.

( scatting )

Then, he'd do that, and
I'd think, "hang myself."

So, how was last night
with Fred and Ethel?

Brian, it was a nightmare.

They burst through the door
with shotguns,

threw us
on the ground,

tried to cuff us
and threatened our lives.

All right,
all right.

You don't have to be so snide.

I was wrong about them, okay?

No. No. Brian, she's serious.

Those people are dangerous.

Really?

That-that-that sounds terrible.

Well, I guess you might say

You got
the bad neighbor blues.

That's not helping.

Right down to my shoes

I got
the bad neighbor blues.

What are we going to do,
Helen?

I keep running their words

over and over again
in my mind.

"We can be those kind
of neighbors, too."

Only one language whackos
like that understand.

What?

We are going to pucker up
and kiss their behinds

until they
like us again.

Complete and total submission?

Damn!

What's wrong?

Well, I'm the man.

I should have thought of it.

( doorbell ringing )

Okay.

Uh, won't you come in,
please?

Your call, Steve.

Let's play it out...
wherever it goes.

Rice Krispie squares?

I believe Barbara
baked you cobbler.

We are wasting our time.

No, wait a minute.

You're our neighbors,

and we have to figure out
some way to live peaceably.

I think maybe it's just
a little too late

for that, girlie-girl.

Okay, all right.
You know what, Steve?

I have had just
about enough of this.

Would you care to step outside
and settle this like men?

With pleasure.
Come on.

You know
something, pal,

I always knew
one of these days

you and me were going
to go 'round and 'round.

Come on.

Okay. Let's get busy.

Come on.

All right, Steve,

I'm going to give you exactly

what it is
you've been asking for.

Great. What's that?

Just a little something
to help out

with your gambling debts.
Huh?

Wow. That's a lot of lettuce.

Geez.

Yes, it is.

I don't get this.

The other day you were saying

you were overextended
on your house.

Or was that simply
a crock of poo?

No.

No poo.

I wouldn't poo you.

Joe and I booked
this romantic weekend

at a bed and breakfast
in Vermont,

and, uh...
it's all paid for

and I'd like you to go.

With Joe?!

No. With Steve.

Oh.

Oh, no.

You'll really love it.

I mean, it's not
a big old set of...

but it's good.

Oh, Helen, you're the
best friend I ever had.

Hey, where's
my little gal?

Come here, honey.

Everything's going
to be okay.

You bet it is.

Helen just gave us
a weekend in Vermont.

Wow. That's great.

You know, they have
a dog track up there.

I want you guys to know
something.

You really showed
some class here tonight,

and I'm glad you did,

because we were thinking
about getting back at you.

And believe me,
it wouldn't
have been pretty.

STEVE:
Yeah. We were going

to leave town
without saying good-bye.

What?

You're leaving?

Yeah. Tomorrow.

We just rented the
place for the month.

But-but-but the-the...
my money...

(blubbering):
Mmm. Mmm.

BARBARA:
Well, I hate
long good-byes.

See you, folks.

Yeah. We'll miss you.

Oh.

For the trip.

You know what?

I'm through with being
stepped on by those people.

I'm not letting them
get away with this.

Hey!

When you're done
with those Krispies,

we want that plate back!

( doorbell ringing )

I'll get it.

Hi, we're your new neighbors.

We just moved in
next door, and...

Helen, have you

learned nothing
from our experience?

Mmm.

That's better, honey.