02x05 - Taking sh*ts

[bunniefuu]

Guys, I'm freaking out.

Dan O'Connell is performing
at Essex, and I just found out

I get to be his official
student liaison.

- Wait, Dan O'Connell
the stand-up?

He's so funny.
- Yeah.

I love his late-night show.

- He's adorable. He's so cute

in his little suits.
- Wait.

You guys know who he is?

- Uh, yeah. He's,
like, cool and famous.

- I guess I'm just
not used to you guys

knowing anything
about pop culture.

It's like living with
three of my grandma.

- I know things!

Who told you guys that Al Roker

and Lenny Kravitz were cousins?
- Yeah.

My fashion TikTok was
very well-received

until I forgot my password
and I couldn't log back in.

- So what exactly does
a student liaison do?

It sounds like a
super exciting title.

- It is... I get to pick
him up from the airport,

drive him back to campus,
and make sure he has

his favorite turkey
jerky in the greenroom.

I'm the luckiest
girl in the world.

- So you're basically his
free assistant for two days?

- Yeah, I mean, if
I can get this guy

to think I'm funny,
I could leverage it

into the holy grail

for aspiring comedy writers:

being an unpaid intern

on his late-night show.

- That doesn't sound that good.
- No, it is.

Unpaid internships have
been launching nepo babies

and rich kids into successful
careers for decades.

Oh, is that Jackson?

- Hey!
- "Just checking in on you."

Oh, my God. He is
obsessed. I have never once

checked in on anyone.
- Okay, so first he calls you

hot as the KJ party, and then
he, like, nurses you back

to health Jane Austen-style.

Y'all are gonna bone.
- I don't know.

Ever since Jackson took care
of me after my procedure,

things between us have
been, like, clinical.

- Oh, you got med-zoned.

- What's that?
- Med-zoned.

You know, he saw you
looking weak and pitiful,

and now that is how he sees you.

- Dude.
- Sorry, not pitiful.

Just unsexual.
Sickly, like Tiny Tim.

- I'm Tiny Tim?
- Wait, I think it's hot

to take care of a sick guy.
- Totally.

Women think it's hot
to take care of men.

Men don't think it's hot
to take care of women.

Lance Armstrong, Sheryl
Crow, it's all right there.

- As a reminder, I'm not sick.

- If Jackson was into you
once, he can be into you again.

The whole med-zone thing,

it's not real.
- Uh...

Kimberly?

- Hey.
- Hey, I found these

in the bathroom. I
think they're yours.

- Oh, no. Those are not mine.

- It says they're leakproof
postoperative pads

for a heavy flow.
- No, my flow's pretty dainty.

- It has your name written on
the package, Kimberly Finkle.

- Cool, I'll just take those
and you can stop reading things

on the package.

- Man, were you sick.

I will never forget
how gray your face was.

- Yeah.

- All right. Anyways, bye.

- Mm.
- I take it back.

Delete his number.

You two are done.
- Mm-hmm.

- In this lab, you
will try to determine

whether yeast are capable
of metabolizing fructose,

sucrose, glucose, and lactose.

We will be breaking
up in groups of three,

so please find your
name on the wall

for your assigned groups.

- Oh, come on.

- Damn, dude, that wasn't
even under your breath.

- Where's Bela?
- Bela's not gonna make it

to class or lab today.

She has some comedy thing.

- Hmm, I don't really
like funny things.

- Yeah, I can see that.

Well, I'm psyched about
his yeast experiment,

which is not a sentence
I ever thought I'd say.

Look, I'll handle

this lab assignment myself
and get you all an A.

I'd rather do the whole
thing alone than risk

you or Bela messing it up.

- I don't need you doing
the assignment for me.

I've been paying attention
and prepping for the lab too.

I'm gonna do a good job.

Oh, maybe I do like comedy.

I'm just gonna do it, but if
you really wanna be involved,

you can, um, design the
cover page for our report.

Maybe find some cute clip art?

- That's about...

- Willow, Willow, Willow!

Hey, friend. It is
so good to see you.

Hi.
- Oh.

You're Whitney's
roommate, right?

Kimberly, is it?
- Kimberly?

You think
I'm Kimberly?

I would slap you, but I
need something from you.

- Hey, y'all go
ahead without me.

What's up?
- So you're a sophomore, right?

And you know all the
hot girls on campus.

- I am a keeper of
that information, yes.

- I had a run-in with
this girl the other day,

and I've never seen her
before, so I was wondering

if you could tell me who she
is and I did take a picture.

- Oh, my God, this
is some stalker sh*t.

- Don't be dramatic.
It's not stalking

if the stalker is just
as hot as the victim.

Shouldn't have said "victim,"
but could you just zoom in

and see if you recognize her?

Oh, I do know her.
Her name is Tatum.

She's a junior on
the tennis team.

- Yes, I knew I
would figure it out.

- That girl looks
exactly like you.

Oh, are you in the twincest
phase of coming out?

- Twincest?
- Mm-hmm.

- Like I'm interested in Tatum
'cause she reminds me of me?

No. Okay, that's gross.

- Lies, that what I told
myself when I dated Jazmin.

- Hmm. Yeah, that's weird.

- Yes, it is, but
it's not not hot.

- Do you think you know Tatum
well enough to introduce me?

- Do you want that
enough that you'd, like,

buy me a jacket?

- Are you serious?
- I am. I'm being friendly,

but I consider
this transactional.

- Fine, yes. Yes.

If you help me, I
will buy you a jacket.

- Okay, deal. Now
I know this may be

a silly question to
ask a white person,

but do you own a tennis racket?

- Wilson or Babolat?
I have both.

- We just need one.

- Well, you're
probably wondering

why I called this staff meeting.

This is one of
the hardest things

I've ever had to say.

- Oh, no. Did someone die?

- In a way, yes.

This is officially
my last day at Sips.

I have been let go.

- Let go?
- Oh.

- Oh, no. They found
some weird sh*t

on your computer, huh?
- I knew it.

Oh, my God, we're
gonna be on "Dateline."

- No, it's nothing like that.

The administration
said, and I quote,

"A student could do my job."

Can you believe that?

- No.
- What?

- Mm-mm.
- That's crazy.

- It has been the honor

of my life to oversee this place

for 30 years.

- 30 years?

How old is this man?

- We're gonna be starting
a little Venmo fund

for a goodbye gift,
just a little something

to say "Thank you, Roger."

- So we, your employees,

are going to be giving
you, our boss, money?

- That is correct.
I have no savings.

- Well, I think I can say
for all of us when I say,

words cannot espresso
what you bean to us.

- Oh, my God.
- Jesus Christ.

Everything I brew,

I brew it for you?

- Whatever you do next,

I hope it will mocha
you very happy.

Puns about coffee.

That's my favorite.

It's why you guys
are my best friends.

Come here.
- Wow.

- I'm getting a little
nervous about meeting Dan.

Should I say "hi" or "hello"
when I first see him?

Which word is funnier?
- Just try to be normal.

I mean, I know you're
incapable of doing that.

- The good news is, it's
an hour-long trip back

to campus for some
uninterrupted one on one.

So I'll have him trapped.

- Do not use those
words with him.

- I mapped out a
route that takes us

by a Taco Bell because
I came up with a joke

about Taco Bell. It adds
23 minutes to the trip,

but I think it's worth it.
- Bela, you sound insane.

You just need to be yourself
and I'm sure this guy'll think

you're great and funny.
- Thank you.

I needed to hear
that. sh*t, he's here.

Okay. I gotta go, bye.

Hi.
- Hi.

- Hello. I'm Bela Malhotra,

your student liaison.
It's an honor to meet you

and have the opportunity to
pick that brilliant brain

of yours.

Okay, I'll take your bag.

- Oh, are you sure?
- Yeah, I go to the gym.

You sure you wouldn't be
more comfortable up front?

I don't mind.
- Oh, that's great.

- Okay, great, I'll pull
over maybe at a Taco Bell

that's coming up? You
know, the funny thing about

Taco Bell is that even
though it thinks...

Sorry. I was
talking to my agent.

- Ah.
- Sorry, yeah, uh-huh.

Look, listen, I know that
it's a Super Bowl ad,

but mayonnaise just
seems kind of gross.

Hey, Bela.
- Yeah.

- It's a little
chilly back here.

- Yeah, I guess the question is

how much mayo would
I have to eat?

- I got you, boo. A cappuccino

and a white chocolate biscotti.

- And you drew Shakespeare

in the foam!

- You're one of a kind, Lila.

- Oh.
- Isn't she great?

- She's definitely
a big presence here.

- Enjoy it, Professor Dobson.

And try not to fall
asleep on the table again.

- How could I, with
a drink like this?

- Lila, I have sort
of a crazy idea.

- That we should
get new uniforms

now the management's changing?

Agreed, 'cause this maroon polo,

it's not emphasizing my assets.
- No.

Lila, I think you would be a
really good manager of Sips.

You should apply for the job.

- You think I want Roger's job?

- You would make so much money,

and you'd be the boss.

- What makes you think
I'd have any interest

in climbing the corporate ladder

of some little coffee shop?

- You're just
personable and caring.

It's just an idea.

- Yeah, a bad one.

I'm going on a break.

- Wait, how am I always
the only one working?

- And then she completely
flew off the handle.

I don't get what I said wrong.

- Well, telling somebody
that they should do a job

that you wouldn't
wanna do yourself,

it's like telling
someone their mom is hot.

No one wants to hear it.

- Yours really is though.

- For the last time, stop.

- Yeah, my day's
been pretty bad too.

This bio bro in
Professor Harpin's class

keeps icing me out of
our lab assignment.

I'm sure he'll get
us an A, but still.

It's infuriating.

- Not to be anti-feminist,

but I don't see the problem.

I would die for somebody to
do my boring science homework.

- Okay, believe it or not,
I genuinely like this class.

We're determining the
respiration rate of yeast

using different sugars.

- Who are you and what
have you done with Whitney?

- Okay, don't diss me for
liking science, math nerd.

- Math is objectively
cooler than biochem.

Ask anyone, calculated
variables are the sh*t.

- You wish.
- Wait, are you nerds,

and am I the cool roommate now?

No.

Oh.

- Oh, sh*t.

- You good? You're
eating your food

like you're mad at it.

- I just got a text from Dan.

He has a zit. Duty calls.

- How did it go in the car?

Did he agree to read your stuff?

- The moment didn't feel right,
so I haven't asked him yet.

I didn't want to bug him and
come off like a try-hard.

- Why not? That's, like, one
of your defining qualities.

- It's okay. I have a plan.

First of all, show
him I'm above nothing

and don't respect myself,
and then he'll hire me

to keep doing that.

- Again, that doesn't
sound like a good job.

- Okay.

Yes! That is match point!

In your face!

- I know we agreed that
I would lose to you,

but you don't have to
be so annoying about it.

- It needs to be impressive.

Do you think she saw?

- Mm-mm.
- Damn it!

Tatum hasn't looked
over here once.

I wonder if it's
my backhand form.

- I think it's that
she doesn't know

or care who you are.

- She is so indifferent.

It's so f*cking hot.
- Mm.

- Okay, they're
taking a water break.

This is our chance.
Come on. Be cool.

- Can I still peel my orange?
- Just...

- Hey, what's up, Kate?

- What are you
guys up to tonight?

Anything good?

- Um, I might go to
that Dan O'Connell show.

My roommate helped organize
it, so I kind of have an in.

Do you think, um, you might go?

It's Tatum, right?

- Yeah, no, I'm not really
into campus-sponsored events.

But that should be fun
for, like, gen pop.

- Oh, agree. Agree.

I hate campus-sponsored events.

Oh, my God. I was only going

so I could, like,
make fun of it.

Just own it

if that's what you're into.

All right, come on.
Let's get back to it.

- That was humiliating.

Not only did she reject me,

but she condemned my personhood.

- I'm really sorry. It
happens to everyone.

- No, not young,
beautiful blonde women

who have gone to the Met Gala.
- You're losing me

- Take my credit
card. Buy your jacket.

- Like, right now?

- It's your lucky day.

I brought fancy doughnuts,

coffee, and my big ol' brain

to help us destroy this lab.

- First of all, I hate
this kind of doughnut.

I don't need, like, a slice
of bacon on my doughnut.

And secondly, why are you
here? I told you not to come.

- Well, I don't just do
what you tell me to, bro.

- Look, I know your mom
is a senator or whatever,

so I'm trying to be respectful.

- This is your respectful?

- But this class
is important to me.

I wanna go to med
school and be a doctor.

I'm not some rich
soccer jock party girl

whose mom will bankroll
the rest of my life.

- You don't know me at all.

I've been working my ass off

in this class, and I
understand this lab.

Give me a chance
to prove that I...

sh*t! f*ck.

- Well, I'll hand it to you.

You did destroy this lab.

- Kimberly! Wait up.

- Oh, hey.

- Uh, it's a latte.

I drew Elena Kagan on it
because I know you like her,

but then I tripped on
the way coming over here,

so now she looks
like Chris Farley.

I'm sorry if suggesting
the manager job

at Sips was insulting.

I just thought about who
I would want to be my boss

and it would obviously be you.

- Girl, I overreacted.

Honestly, I think I'd
be good at it too,

but the idea of
interviewing for it,

it scares me.

I've never been
good at interviews.

- You're not good
at interviewing?

I don't believe that.

You can be so charming

when you're not angry or hungry.

- Thank you, bitch. I agree.

I'm charming as sh*t.

It's an aura, but
for some reason,

when people with authority
ask me questions,

I just... I get so nervous.

- Oh, but everyone gets nervous.

It shouldn't stop you
from going after the job

if you want it. You know what?

Let's do a mock interview.

We can practice, and that way

you won't be nervous on the day.

- Okay.

But I have never
done role-playing

outside of a sexual context.

- I believe in you.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

- Let's do this.

Again,
sorry you were cold.

They're gonna make
sure the temperature's

exactly at 75.

- Thank you. Yeah,
it's just the cold

is, like, hurting my bones.

- Hey, I just wanted to say,

you've been such an
inspiration to me.

I've been trying
to play it cool,

but I'm a huge comedy nerd,

and I hope to do cool
stuff like you one day.

- That's really sweet
to hear. You know,

I was like you in college.
- Really?

- Conan O'Brien did a show
at UPenn when I was there,

and I was so nervous to meet him

that my hand was
dripping with sweat.

- Well, that's me right
now, but it's my armpits.

Shouldn't have worn wool.

Hey, if you like comedy,

I actually have a question
you could be helpful with.

- Oh, my God, yes.
- So could you tell me,

like, any details about what's
going on at Essex these days?

- Ah, okay. Lemme think.

- Yeah.
- Um...

a sophomore got trampled in
the crowd at fajita night.

A bunch of students
are suing the school

from being scalded
by the showers.

- Okay. Well, maybe not those.

- Um, the girls softball team
got suspended for doing MDMA.

- Really?

High female athletes

tripping balls instead
of throwing them.

That's perfect. Thank you.

Hey, I love your show

and would k*ll to be
considered for an internship.

It would mean the world to me,
and I would do such a good job.

- You know what?
Send me your résumé.

I'm always setting
up new projects,

and we're always
looking for free labor.

- Oh, my God, thank you.

Of course.

- It's time to go on.

Okay, great.

Thank you.

Here we go.

- Have a good show.

Yes! Yes!

- Ladies and gentlemen,
Dan O'Connell.

Hello! My goodness!

Holy cow!

Hello, Essex College!

My God.

A little amped up, aren't we?

Yeah!

Wow, have we been partying

with the girls softball team?

That's what I thought.

A student named Bela
helped me with that one.

Thank you, Bela.

So who's single?

- Okay, so I'll play
the interviewer.

- Thank you so much for
applying for the job.

What made you interested in it?

- Easy. The money
and the power, bitch.

- That might be too
honest, and I don't think

you should call the
interviewer "bitch."

- My authenticity
is my greatest gift.

- Let's start over.

How are your customer relations?

- Oh, so good.

And I'm not above
giving a butt squeeze

to a good tipper.

- That is problematic,

and I think illegal. Can
you take this seriously?

Kimberly,
this is impossible.

I can't be this
polite, professional

little miss perfect.

- You don't have to be perfect.

You just have to show
them the real Lila,

not the tough, outrageous Lila

who doesn't care
what people think.

The one who does care.

- I don't think I can do this.

- Yes, you can.

Now again, why do
you, Lila Flores,

wanna be the manager of Sips?

- I started working at Sips
because I needed the money.

- Mm-hmm.
- But then I actually

started liking it.

I like scheduling.

I like making oat milk lattes

and seeing how happy
it makes people.

Sips is my community,

and I want the chance to be
the leader of my community.

- That was so great.

- It was?
- Yes.

Yes, honey.

I'ma breathe and
body this thing.

- Oh, and just remember
the most important thing

I told you.
- Oh, I know, I know, I know.

Wear a bra. I got this.

- And he used my joke.

Well, not my joke exactly,
but my observation,

which he turned he turned into
a funny topical shout-out,

which is, like, a quarter
of a joke, I think.

- And he agreed to consider
you for an internship?

That's amazing.
- I know, right?

But right now, I need to
hurry up and get him a beer.

He specified that he
wanted it ice-cold.

- Oh, yeah. Cool. I got it.
Can I get a beer, please?

- No, that's okay. I...
- Let's go.

I'm dying to meet him.

- Nice to meet you guys.

- Want an icy cold beer?
Heard ya weirdly like 'em

like that.
- Thanks, man.

- Dan, this is Eric.

- I'm a huge fan, and
I'm the editor in chief

of "The Catullan."
- "The Catullan!" No sh*t?

About half my writing
staff's from "The Catullan."

You run the whole thing?
- Look, that's only a big deal

to, like, two dozen
people in the whole world,

so I'm really glad
you're one of 'em.

You know, people said

late-night variety
shows were dead,

but you're, like,
making 'em cool again.

- Thanks, man.

Yeah, it is so much work,

so that really means a lot.

You know, you guys
should really work

on your writers'
submission packets

for the show.

- Writers' packets?
- Yeah.

- Hypothetically, what
do you like to see

in a typical writer's packet?

- Well, ideally it would be

50 monologue jokes, 3
pages of segment ideas,

a handful of sketches, some
hard-hitting desk pieces,

and nothing I've
ever seen before.

- I'm gonna be
real with you, Dan.

I don't have any of that stuff,

but I'm gonna work really
hard tonight and make sure...

- Uh, Dan, I actually
have a packet

that meets the criteria,
and I would love

to have it be considered.

- Yeah, sure. You know, hey.

Gimme your phone.
Yeah, come on.

I'm gonna put my info in it.

I like your attitude.

Here you go.
- Thanks.

- Well, if you excuse
me, I'm gonna find

a bathroom in this frat house,

and I really hope a drunk
guy hugs me at the urinal.

All right, have fun.

- What the hell was that?
- What?

- You know how important
this was to me.

I've been Dan's sl*ve
for two days now.

I had to get him a Zyrtec
at 2:00 a.m. last night

because Vermont
makes him sneezy.

- Bela, in case you forgot,
being a comedy writer

is also my dream.
- Yeah.

But I clearly had dibs on him.

- Dibs? Are you serious?
This is my future too.

That doesn't change just
'cause we're dating.

I'm gonna do whatever
it takes, just like you.

- Great, so instead of
being here until 2:00 a.m.,

we'll be here until morning.
Now I'm stress eating

your crappy doughnuts.

Are you happy?

- Wait, you made a mistake.

- By not tricking
you into thinking

this lab was in a
different building?

Yeah, that was a mistake.

- No, in the lab.

I'm looking at your work,

and your penmanship is horrible,

by the way, but
your math is off.

We're measuring the rate of
CO2 as the yeast respires.

Yeast can metabolize
sugar in two ways,

but you didn't account
for aerobic and anaerobic.

- I probably just made an error
'cause you were distracting me.

- You did this
before I got here.

I guess I did.

- Mm, you did what?

- I made a mistake.
- I guess

it's a good thing I came,

otherwise you'd have ended up

doing the entire thing wrong.

You should be grateful I
spilled on your papers.

- Okay, you did one thing right.

Let's not get carried away.

But thank you for catching that.

Hmm.

Oh, my God, it's Tatum.

No, no, no. Do not look, okay?

I had a super
embarrassing run-in

with her earlier.
- Wait. That girl?

Earlier I talked to her
for, like, 20 minutes,

thinking it was you.
- Oh.

- Leighton, you
should go say hi.

- I can't. It was
brutal. All right?

My only move now is to avoid her

at all costs until I graduate.

- Sometimes you build
things up in your head,

and they're really
not as bad as...

Oh, my God, she hates us.

I didn't know it was
possible to bully someone

with just your eyes.

- Sorry.

- Hey.
- Oh, hi.

How was the comedy show?

- You know what? It was great.

There was nothing cool about it,

but I f*ckin' loved it.

It was fun to be around

other excited gen pop

all enjoying something together.

- Wow, okay.

- So you can be as judgmental

as you want, but I
promise you, babe,

there is no way you are
as judgmental as me.

- Oh, really?
- Mm-hmm.

And yeah, like, you
know, um, I used to have

those exact same Prada boots

until I realized that they
were way too many seasons old

to keep in my closet.

Damn.

Okay, I've never been
Prada shamed before.

- Mm.
- Here.

Put your number in my phone.

- There.

- 917, cool.

I'm from New York too.

I just texted you.

- New York, huh?

Brave thing to say when
you're a 516 number.

Long Island. How sad.

- Oh, my God,
him. It's Jackson.

- Wait, that's Jackson?

He looks like Thor's stand-in.

- Yeah, I know, but
it doesn't matter.

He saw me at my lowest point,

and now that's all he
associates me with.

I've been med-zoned,
which means...

- Yeah, yeah. I get it.

You need to practice
what you preach.

I thought no one
would ever see me

as management
material, but you did.

And just because no
one would ever see you

in a million,
billion years pulling

that luscious Midwestern
corn-fed m*therf*cker,

does not mean that he
might not be into it.

- Go get him.

- Oh, hey, champ. How
you feeling today?

- While I appreciate
your concern, I'm good.

Like, 100% healed.

I'm not fragile, not
Tiny Tim. I'm good.

It's almost as if
it never happened.

So you don't have to
ask me how I am anymore.

I'm ready for anything.

- Is that so?
- Mm-hmm.

- Are you looking at my arms?

- No, no. I mean, I
thought you had a stain

on your shirt, but you don't.

It's okay. I don't mind.

So I'm gonna head out.

- Yeah, sounds good.

Good night.
- Good night.

- I'm officially serving
corporate realness.

I got the job.

- Oh, my God!
- Ay, congratulations.

- I'm so happy the
interview went well.

- I still blurted
out a few awkward

and highly inappropriate things,

but I got the earnest sh*t
out first, so they ate it up.

Should we
honor your achievement

by ending our shift early...

- And playing a little
pong at the KJ house?

- Are you out of your
minds? Cutting out early

to d*ck around on
the company's dime?

Not on my watch.

Get back to work.

- We're just trying
to celebrate you.

- Yeah, but the thing is,

I work for the man now, b*tches.

And I found out I
get a big, old bonus

if I keep profits up.

Oh, I'm gonna like
this.

- Can't believe I miss Roger.

- How's your packet going?

I've never seen you pull
an all-nighter before.

I'm impressed, and
it was way easier

to sleep without
all your snoring.

- I don't know how to do any

of this sh*t.
It's so annoying.

The only reason Eric
even knows is because

of years of patriarchal access

to the old boys' network.

- Oh, my God, it
is way too early

for all this angry
feminist sh*t.

- I'm never gonna have
this submission in

before Eric, and his is gonna be

so much better.

- Hey, he's got
nothing on you, okay?

You make me laugh
every single day,

even when you don't mean to.

You're funny as hell.

- Thank you.
- I'm sure

that you've already
impressed Dan.

You just gotta take
every opportunity

to make him remember you.

- Hey. Whoa.

Oh, thank you.

You know, no one
should look that good

this early in the morning.

That's why I look like sh*t.

I have the car downstairs ready

to take you to the airport.

- Great. I'll grab my luggage.

- Go to bed.