01x02 - Free Leia

[bunniefuu]

So what's the deal?

Are we doing this or not?

I don't know.

I'm literally wearing this.

Yeah, they're daring us to do it.

Yeah, they didn't think

that messaging through.

Bro, does this count as a lighter?

Uh, yeah.

I don't know if I can do this.

I'm from a famous family.

My cousin did Brett Favre's bathroom.

I'm sorry. I can't do

your Brett Favre bathroom story again.

Guys, we learned about this

in health class.

I think we should just say

Whoa.

- Babe, are you feeling it?



- I don't think so.

Why is Donkey Kong

a gorilla and not a donkey?



It's a lie.

They based their entire empire on a lie.

Yeah, I'm not feeling it either.

Interesting.

Dude, these old flannels are so dope.

Those are my grandpa's flannels.

He's married to what's-her-name.

Wait What's her name?

!

Hey, who am I?



Your grandpa's body.

It was there. It was gone.

Just like love.

Leia, do you want to hear about

the Donkey Kong conspiracy?



He's a gorilla!

It's kinda like how Sheryl Crow

isn't actually a crow.

Totally.

Grandpa's body's hungry.

I'll get snacks. What do you guys want?



Raisin Bran.

Raisin Bran.

Raisin Bran!

On it.

Wait, what was I getting?



One, two, three, four!

Hangin' out down the street ♪

The same old thing we did last week ♪

Not a thing to do but talk to you ♪

We're all all right! ♪

We're all all right! ♪

Hello, Wisconsin!

Well, I just I don't know

what to do with my evenings anymore

with these summer reruns.

I would m*rder someone

for a fresh Party of Five.

If I have to sit through

another Grace Under Fire rerun,

I'm gonna root for the fire.

Kitty, I've got the first haul

from my vegetable garden.

Show us your harvest.

Wow!

I am gonna just slice this up

and put it on some burgers.

Doll burgers.

- What are you doing out of the basement?



- Calling it like I see it.

Oh, here's the kitchen. Wild.

Hi!

Clearly.

So you having fun downstairs

with your new friends?



It's everything I've ever wanted.

Besides Raisin Bran.

Oh, I think we're all out.

What?

!

But I I promised Raisin Bran.

If I don't find some Raisin B,

I'm gonna be alone again!

Are you okay?



Well, now, who wouldn't want

to be your friend?



You are smart and charming.

In fact, you deserve a cookie.

If any of those kids give you guff,

I will grab them

by the back of their collar

and toss them into next week.

That's right. He can do it too,

now that his shoulder is healed.

Which reminds me,

are you gonna be able to drive me

to physical therapy tomorrow?



Oh. I'm getting my hair done.

But I'll make it work.

Now, dance with me, you big gorilla.

Okay. Good talk.

- I think this is Leia's room.

- Yeah. Where is she?



Huh.

Pretty sensible sleepwear.

Oh no. She's got high blood pressure.

It's her grandparents' room.

Holding this has become less exciting.

It's the mother lode!

I'm goin' in.

Oh, you'd look so good in this, babe.

Like a hot lumberjack.

Makes me wanna do stuff with you

in the woods.

I just pitched a tent.

Bro, this will make it go away.

This is mine now.

Oh, here you guys are.

In my grandparents' room.

The room I've never dared

set foot in my whole life.

- Is it cool that we're up here?



- Yeah, I'm cool.

It's the summer. Let's have fun.

We should do whatever we want. Right?



Wrong.

- Buh-bye now.

- Get out.

- See you soon.

- Get out.

- Don't be a stranger.

- Get out.

Extra icing.

That was mine.

- We never lock the sliding door.

- We do now.

I'm sorry, Grandpa.

Look, I lived through this once before.

And I'm not gonna do this again

without some ground rules.

So you tell your friends,

no eating my food, no drinking my drinks,

and if they go in my room,

my foot goes in their ass.

You know, people keep all kinds of

private things in their bedroom.

My father kept a whip hidden

in my parents' room in case of a burglar.

Also, he had a pair of furry handcuffs,

in case

Oh dear lord.

I think they think I'm cooler than I am.

Since I got here, it's been amazing.

We smoked

a ham,

and we tapped a

a ham.

I'm worried they're expecting

more ham, you know?



That's an awful lot of ham.

Honey, I think you're putting

too much pressure on yourself.

Why don't you invite them back

for a movie night?



Is nobody listening to me?



I don't know, Grandma.

A movie night?

It's not boring?



No, it'll be fun.

We'll do it tomorrow.

We'll rent a movie and make a ham.

Since you kids are so obsessed with it.

I'll get it!

Hey, which one of you yelled at my kids?



Red, it's for you.

I don't know which ones are yours,

but they deserved it.

Oh, that's Gwen and Nate, and thanks.

I'm sick of yelling at them.

Yesterday, I caught Nate

on the roof trying on rollerblades.

I was pregnant with him for ten months.

The doctor said it was okay,

but I don't think it was.

You moved in next door, right?



I waved at you last week, but you were

washing your hair with the hose, so

I am Kitty and this is Red.

Oh, I'm Sherri.

And, yeah, my shower head's broke.

Turns out it can't support

the weight of two fully grown adults.

Oh, well, look at you and your hubby

keeping things saucy.

Oh. Actually, the hubby's

out of the picture,

but the guy I've been seeing

is talking about us moving in together.

How long have you been seeing each other?



Two weeks.

Two weeks and he already wants to move in?



Yeah, he's kinda clingy.

I should probably break things off.

It's too bad. He's got it all.

Good looks, good job, blue Miata.

Hey. You guys mind

if I pop this in your microwave?



It'll take a hour if I use mine.

Sure, sure. It's in the kitchen.

Oh. Kitty, you're a sweetheart. And Red

Yeah.

She has all sorts of things in that bag.

Yeah, she's like a trashy Mary Poppins.

Maybe you're overthinking this.

Could we fast-forward

to the part where you pick a movie?



Oh!

"Fast-forward"! That is clever!

I should send that in to Leno.

It's really important I don't pick

something everyone will think is dorky.

Well, you couldn't pick something dorky

if you tried.

- Come on. What's your favorite movie?



- Um, I guess Free Willy.

Whoa. Dork city!

I'm gonna go ask for some help.

- Stick 'em up!

- Aah! Take my money! Take everything!

My boss never locks her car!

Her license plate says MOVIESLUT!

I know. I don't want to say it.

I'm just letting you know.

Please

Jay, it's just me. I was joking.

Oh. Yeah.

Me too.

Good one.

- I, um, didn't know you worked here.

- Oh.

Well, I didn't want to brag about

being in show business.

Right. Um

So I'm trying to find

a cool movie for movie night,

and, not that I'm super worried about it

or anything,

but what's that one movie?



You know, with all the guys

and the place and the guys?



- Uh, Clerks?



- Clerks, yes!

Get out! I love Clerks.

Kevin Smith, right?



Oh yeah! He was so sexy in that.

Okay. Cool.

Uh, well, let's see if I have it.

Let's see

Ah, crud, it's out.

Some guy has had it for six weeks.

Yo, Jay. I need your help in the bathroom.

It's a Joe Versus the Volcano situation.

Later, girl.

- Come on, Grandma. We gotta go.

- Oh, just a sec.

Pastor Dave, it's Kitty!

I haven't seen you since the potluck.

That was very unholy.

Hey, Mr. Forman.

Look what I found

in your garden of tiny vegetables.

Baby cucumber.

Give me that.

That is normal-sized.

Don't be embarrassed.

Maybe it's a grower, not a shower.

Anyway, I came by

to talk to you about your flannels.

Can I have one?



Why?



My girlfriend said I looked good in it,

and she's kinda out of my league.

But I love her so much,

and I want to keep her happy.

That's sweet.

I had a similar thing

with my first girlfriend.

You know what her name was?



Get out.

Yes, sir.

Hey, neighbor.

Kitty said until I get

my shower situation fixed,

I can rinse my nooks and crannies

over here.

Well, this is my house too.

So you can just take your crannies home.

I'm gonna need to borrow a razor too.

Blue Miata is taking me

to dinner at Houlihan's.

When a guy springs for Houlihan's,

you gotta whack the weeds.

Are you sure it's okay

that we're just showing up

at somebody's house to get a movie?



I'm out of options here, Grandma.

What if we get m*rder*d?



Who's gonna turn off the Crock-Pot?



Aw, man!

Halloween snuck up on me again.

Hey, listen. I don't have any candy, man,

but I do have some matches

and a parking ticket from 1975.

Leo. Hi.

Don't you recognize me?



I do.

Yeah. You're dressed like Kitty,

the lady with the house and the hair.

k*ller costume, man.

Did you rent the movie Clerks

and not return it?



Are you guys cops?



Leo, focus.

Hey, if you cops are looking

for Leo Focus,

you got the wrong guy, man.

Please, Leo. This is important.

You know what I've been watching

a ton of lately?



The Real World.

Because think about it.

If that's the real world, what's all this?



This might be a dead end.

Wait. Leo, it is Halloween.

And you know what I really want

instead of candy?



The movie Clerks.

Crazy! I got a copy.

I'll get it for you.

- Wait. So how do you know this guy?



- Oh, he just He's

It's the usual.

You know, he's an older man

who used to hang out with your dad

and his friends when they were teenagers.

Nah.

They would have said something.

Okay, are you the cops

looking for a movie?



Yes, we are.

- Happy Halloween, man.

- Thank you. Thank you.

There you are.

Leia and I had such a fun afternoon.

Kitty, this house is under att*ck.

There are teenagers everywhere

and a half-naked lady

swinging her bits around my house.

Oh good. Sherri's using the shower.

Why did you open our house to chaos again?



We had it made.

All the dumbasses were gone!

Well, I miss them.

It's been too quiet

around here for me, Red.

Well, then, get a parrot!

And if that's not enough squawkin'

for you, invite your sister.

I like having Leia visit for the summer.

The house is alive again.

The other day, I walked into the bathroom,

someone had tinkled, left the seat up,

and it made me so happy.

I could do that for you!

Complain all you want,

but these past few weeks

I have seen glimpses of the old Red.

The fire, the passion. I miss him.

He's retired.

But he's still alive.

You can't spend all day

scraping around in your garden,

playing with your tomatoes.

- You love my tomatoes!

- Your tomatoes are small!

Your head is sweaty.

Your chest is heaving.

Tell me something good ♪

Well, so much for a quiet retirement.

There's no more lint in my dryer filter.

Is it safe to come out?



Sherri.

I was taking a shower. When I got done,

you guys were dirty doggin' it,

so I just hunkered down

and rode out the storm.

I told you I heard the toilet flush.

Sorry, I was only up here 'cause I was

getting ready for this mistake of a date.

A date?



Blue Miata, Houliha Keep up.

But it did give me time to think,

which I never get to do.

I mean, what do I want from my life?



Because I'm pretty sure

hiding in my neighbor's bathroom

listening to old people bang isn't it.

Sounded like somebody was eating

corn on the cob.

What's wrong with me?



Why do I keep making the same mistake

over and over?



Oh, honey. Go easy on yourself.

You have a steady job.

You are raising two wonderful kids

all on your own.

You are amazing.

- Kitty, why are you lying to her?



- Red

But he's not wrong.

Okay, maybe it's time

to take a break from the fellas

and see what it's like on your own.

Being alone sounds scary.

Well, you're not alone. You've got us.

Us?



You'd think you'd be

in a better mood right now.

Welcome to movie night.

It's gonna be pretty major,

so to kick things off right

I got everyone

their own box of Raisin Bran.

Raisin Bran! Raisin Bran!

Raisin Bran!

Everybody loves it. Remember?



No?

Did that not happen?



Oh, you know who loves Raisin Bran?



My cousin who did Brett Favre's

Do not.

- So what are we watching?



- Uh, my favorite movie.

Clerks, starring Kevin Smith.

I'll take a slice of that.

Okay

Hey, MTV. I'm Leo, man.

I'm 74 years young,

and I'd be perfect

for The Real World, man.

What's this?



I don't know.

It was supposed to be Clerks.

Fun facts about me.

I've fallen off of

three roller coasters, man.

Well, four, if you count the fourth one.

Uh forget movies.

Does anyone have

any funny stories to share?



Oh good, Nate.

No. He's choking on the Raisin Bran.

It's too dry.

Give him something to drink.

Forget the straw!

Okay. Drink, baby, drink.

I'm good. It went down.

No, you gotta clear it out like this.

Like

Leia, you should be an event planner.

This is so fun.

Gah! I'm sorry!

I really wanted this

to be a perfect night.

Forget it.

Leia

Hey, stop eating that.

I'm hungry!

Yo, drama queen. What was up with that?



I'm a fraud.

I've never even seen Clerks.

My favorite movie is Free Willy.

It's about a boy.

And his whale.

So?



So he tries to get Willy

back in the ocean.

No. I mean,

why did you melt down in there?



It's just

I feel like an imposter in this group.

You guys are all so close and so cool,

and I'm just me.

If you're ever doubting yourself,

just remember,

you have a k*ller basement.

I thought you were gonna say

something way nicer.

You know how boring it is around here?



Last week, we threw a stick in the creek

and tried to hit it with other sticks.

Nate called it Stick Stick.

It's not just about your basement, dummy.

If you're stressing about me, we're good.

And if you're worried about

fitting in with everyone else,

you found the people who don't fit in.

And I am their queen.

Never had a friend like you.

I know.

Guys!

We just found another bag inside this bag.

Bag bag!

I just came up with that.

The stuff in that bag bag was good good.

Not as good as Free Willy. I love it.

Check yourself.

This is just E.T. with a whale.

I know it's not Clerks,

but it's kinda cute, right?



It's like I'm the boy

and Willy's the rubber band.

I get it now.

Leia, is Willy gonna make it?



Did E.T. make it?



- Come on, Willy.

- Come on.

You can do it.

- You got this. Come on.

- Yes, Willy.

Yeah!

He made it!

This never happened.

Hey, Mr. Forman.

I found this in my van.

Looks like I have a secret admirer.

It's you, isn't it?



It's just a shirt. Don't make it weird.

I'm not.

- Can I call you Uncle Red?



- Get out.

Bye, Uncle Red.

Kitty.

That's what you're wearing

to break up with a guy?



I can't imagine

what you would wear to a pool party.

What?

This is my funeral outfit.

It's what I wear

to say goodbye to someone forever.

That's him. Oh God, I'm just so nervous.

I've eaten a ton of my hair.

This was so much higher.

Well, stop that.

- You are strong.

- Yeah.

- You're independent.

- Yeah.

You're still young

- Yeah.

- ish.

- He is just some guy with a fancy horn.

- Right.

Now, go.

Dump that chump!

That's what they say on Ricki Lake.

I thought it would be fun

for you to see me look this sexy.