01x03 - Lip Smackers

[bunniefuu]

[rock guitar riff playing]

So how was last night?

Did you break up with your boyfriend?

Aren't you just dying to know?

Oh, I'm on pins and needles.

[Kitty laughs]

Well, he took me

to one of those fancy places

where you order at the table.

Wow!

He spoils you. [chuckles]

Well, he can afford it.

I don't know if I mentioned this,

but he's kind of a local celebrity.

Is it Gary Storm?

The weather guy on Channel 2 news?

I love his bow ties.

Gary Storm d*ed in a tornado.

You're thinking of Johnny Thunder.

Oh my God! You're dating Johnny Thunder?

No, no. My guy's not a weatherman.

He's got a bunch of salons.

You may have seen his commercials.

[electronic dance music playing]

Where's the hair?



There's the hair.

There's the hair.

Where's the hair?



There's the hair.

There's the hair.

There's the hair.

expl*si*n.

[booming]

[Fez] Chez Fez, where every day

is a good hair day.

I said, good day.

You're dating Fez?



You know Fez?



Oh, we know Fez.

- [rock music playing]

- [young woman] One, two, three, four!

Hangin' out down the street ♪

The same old thing we did last week ♪

Not a thing to do but talk to you ♪

We're all all right! ♪

We're all all right! ♪

[young woman] Hello, Wisconsin!

Do they know you guys are here?



Oh, they don't care.

They're in the zone.

Nothing breaks it.

Watch this.

How can she kiss my brother?



His dentist quit in the middle of an exam.

[Ozzie] Guys.

I got too close, and now I'm stuck in it.

We've all been there.

When you're in the middle of

a make out session,

and you're in the moment.

And your lips just melt together.

And his tongue hits the hangy thing

in the back of your throat

and it feels so good.

What?



The uvula.

The U-spot?

[chuckles]

Leia, have you ever kissed anyone?



Never. Not once.

It's just never happened, okay?



In sixth grade, I was a foot taller

than all the other boys.

And just when they got up to mouth level,

I did two years of advanced braces.

Like headgear?



It was so much worse.

There was a crank

my parents had to tighten every night.

It was like starting an old-timey car.

Well, it was worth it.

You have such a beautiful smile.

Do you ever take a day off?



I wanna kiss someone.

I think about it all the time.

What's it like?



Okay. This is an emergency.

We need to get you your first kiss.

Let's go to the mall and knock this out.

The mall?



Oh, don't make me start on a mannequin.

That's so embarrassing!

No. It's full of guys.

We'll find some goober, chat him up,

show him your teeth, lay one on him.

I don't want my first kiss

to be with a goober.

You're right.

We should just wait until

you're confident enough,

emotionally ready, secure in who you are

Okay, okay! Mall.

Summer of our first kiss. Right, Ozzie?



Don't lump me in with you,

you mouth virgin.

I have Etienne.

Bro, I wanna support you, but you gotta

stop with the fake Canadian boyfriend.

Oh, he's real as hell.

My parents took me

to see Phantom of the Opera in Montreal.

And I met the cutest guy Etienne.

We were both reaching for

the last kids' XL souvenir sweatshirt.

And he let me keep it.

We've never seen the sweatshirt.

Whatever. You wouldn't know romance

if it threw acid in your face,

forcing you into a life of solitude,

composing the music of the night.

God, I hope he's real.

When did you guys get here?



We were making out. [chuckles]

[rock music playing]

Fez was one of Eric's friends.

He started out

as a foreign exchange student, but

then I guess someone forgot

to exchange him back.

Where is he from?



[kettle whistling loudly]

I hear it's just lovely there.

So, what did he say when you told him

you didn't wanna see him anymore?



I didn't get that far.

I mean, I tried.

I told him it was over, and he said

Over, under. I don't care. [chuckles]

I'm flexible, baby.

So I said,

"I'm trying to focus on myself."

I understand!

And I'd like to watch you.

Watch you focus on yourself.

And then I said, "We gotta

act like adults here. We gotta talk."

I can't.

My mouth is full.

He sucked off two of my Lee Press Ons.

Well

He's got a strong tongue. That's fine.

No. He really is a lovely guy,

and he obviously likes you.

Maybe see where it goes.

Kitty, I really took

all that advice you gave me to heart.

I need to stop jumping from guy to guy

and focus on myself for a while.

Darn it. That was good advice.

I don't know what to do.

Normally, when I break up with a guy,

I just tell the parole officer

to check his pee,

and it takes care of itself, you know?



Why don't I go talk to him?



Maybe I can let him down easy.

Oh good. 'Cause if I do it,

I'm definitely gonna sleep with him again.

What?

I was trying to focus on myself,

and last night myself wanted

to have sex with that guy, so

[electronic dance music playing]

Welcome back to Chez Fez.

[chuckles]

It's always an honor

to have your hair in my chair.

[Kitty laughs]

Well, I love coming here.

I'm always so happy

to see how well you're doing.

I mean, free Tootsie Rolls.

Are you made of money?



Yes. Can you believe it?



I tell you, Ms. Kitty. I love my life.

My business is booming.

I have the waist of Linda Evangelista.

And, as you know,

I have taken a lover.

Actually,

I wanted to talk to you about Sherri.

Oh yeah. She's so beautiful, right?



She's warm and gooey,

like a chicken pot pie.

Uh-huh.

- But

- Oh, and don't get me started on her butt.

[laughs]

It's like the eighth

and ninth Wonder of the World.

[sighs] Ms. Kitty, I haven't felt this way

about a woman since, uh

- Jackie.

- [gasps]

Yes!

Whatever happened between you two?



Oh, Ms. Kitty!

We were at Hedonism Resort.

In Hamaica.

And I caught her on the phone one night

[dramatic gasp]

with Michael.

Kelso?



Dukakis.

Yes, of course Kelso!

She left me there.

And I spent the next five days

getting kicked out of hot tubs

for talking too much.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

Oh, but that is the past.

And Sherri is my future.

You know, Ms. Kitty,

when I'm with her I'm no longer a man.

I'm like a little boy

seeing the world for the first time.

Don't get me wrong, I still have

the voice of a man and the hips of a man

and, uh the mouth of a man.

It's very confusing.

But when I hold her in my arms

Oh, Ms. Kitty.

It's like the world just melts away

and there's only us,

for eternity.

I'm sorry, Ms. Kitty.

What were you saying?



I was saying

- I love love!

- Oh!

Don't ever let her go!

[funky rock music playing]

Thanks for the ride, Grandpa.

Any time you kids wanna

get out of my house, I'll drive you.

This shouldn't take too long.

You guys need anything?



A miracle.

Fine.

I'll be right over here, reading my paper.

You have great taste.

This is the new ionic massage chair.

- Let me show you some of the features.

- Look. I know you're just doing your job.

But go do it over there.

Any place that's not here.

[chortles]

You are gonna have to do

better than that to get rid of me.

[chuckles]

It's got variable speeds,

Corinthian leather,

and if you turn that frown upside-down,

I'll throw in same-day delivery.

I'm about to same-day deliver

your ass into that planter if you

[chair whirring]

Oh

Sweet Lord.

This chair's got fingers!

All I need is, like, a credit card.

Just make it happen.

I'm really nervous.

My back sweat's

being funneled right into my butt.

That's just your body

getting ready for romance.

You're cute, you're smart,

and you're awesome. You can do this.

It's a total sausage fest.

Yeah, look at all these guys.

No. Hickory Farms is giving out

free samples.

Etienne loves a nice smoked Gouda.

- Fine. If he's real, what's his last name?



- St. Bernard.

- What school?



- St. Bernard's.

- Does he have any pets?



- Bichon Frisé.

Wait. That reminds me.

I've given CPR to a dog.

Does that count as a kiss?



- Go. You got this!

- ["This Is How We Do It" playing]

I'd like two scoops. Of you.

I'm sorry.

Hey, sexy. You eatin' grapes?



Yeah, because he's nine.

I'm so sorry. My dad has that shirt!

[sighs]

Ma'am, you are not allowed

behind the counter.

I don't care anymore.

Now put down the scooper,

and let's do this.

You don't have to make this so difficult!

Got away. [scoffs]

- Okay!

- You kids need to leave.

You don't happen

to have a son my age, do you?



So it went well?



No. Let's go. Where's Gwen?



Gwen, let's bounce.

Gwen!

Bye, Kevin. That was fun.

Best day of my life.

Calm down, Kevin.

Okay.

Seriously?



One of us had to get some.

[hip-hop b*at playing]

Babe, I think you might be having

a reaction to one of my Lip Smackers.

Really?



I feel fine.

Yeah, it looks fine.

That was a disaster.

And I'm on a list now, so I can't go back.

- What if I need new shoes?



- What do you mean, "what if"?



Whoa, gross.

Why does your mouth

look like a monkey's ass?



A monkey's ass?



Like, in a good or bad way?



Come on. We should probably

get you to the urgent care.

You said it wasn't bad.

I was just comfortable,

and I didn't wanna get up.

Oh my God. I'm at the mall

throwing myself at randos.

Meanwhile, they're making out so much,

his lips revolted.

What's wrong with me?



Doesn't anyone want

to lick these $2,000 teeth?



Wow. Okay.

Well, there is another idea,

but I didn't wanna bring it up

because it feels

kinda weird and desperate.

I think we're there.

You could kiss Jay.

He's cute. He's always flirting with you.

Plus, he's a Kelso.

So?

What does that mean?



He's a man-whore.

Oh. [chuckles]

As great as that sounds, I'm gonna pass.

Plus, he's our friend. It's too awkward.

There's gotta be someone else.

There's always Town Pool Ricky.

Oh great, a lifeguard. That's hot.

No, he just hangs out

and collects the floating Band-Aids.

But he's single and ready to mingle.

At least that's what his shirt says.

So Jay?



Jay, it is.

Red, I'm not sure

about this massage chair.

We said we wouldn't change anything

in case one of us went blind.

[chair whirring]

I'm sorry, gorgeous.

The last thing I wanna do

is stress you out or upset you.

Are you feeling okay?



I'm awesome.

[knocking]

Kitty, you did a terrible job with Fez.

He told me he loved me.

What did you say to him?



I I'm an older lady.

I can't recall the exact words.

Kitty. He talked about a life together.

He started crying.

Then he got his mom on the phone.

She started crying.

Honey.

Sherri's here.

I know she is. I'm not sure you are.

Good one, babe.

[laughs]

I'm sorry. I just I got

I got swept up in the moment.

He's so sweet.

And his words sound like

a romance novel that I barely understand.

What am I gonna do?



This guy is undumpable.

Well, clearly, I can't hack it.

We need someone who is just ruthless.

Who will go straight for the jugular.

An a* m*rder*r.

Red, honey?



Should we get a cat?



Just something warm to have right here,

while I'm chillin'.

Chair, I need to talk to the real Red.

[whirring stops]

Damn it, Kitty!

Did you have to pull the plug?



That's exactly why I don't put your name

on those papers at the hospital.

There's our a* m*rder*r.

[rock music playing]

Hey, you.

Where is everyone?

I thought

we're meeting up here before bowling.

Oh, the bowling alley's closed.

They ran out of balls.

Come sit.

Okay.

Look at that sky.

The stars are so bright, and the moon is

also bright.

I never thought of it like that.

Kind of romantic, don't you think?



Whoa, you can see

right into that old lady's bathtub.

Oh, she's crying.

I think her husband just d*ed.

- Leia?



- Yeah?



I know what's going on here.

Oh good. Gimme a sec.

Okay, I'm back.

Leia.

I'm not going to kiss you.

What?



Not even you?



Oh my God, this is so embarrassing.

I'll be in here now.

Hey, stop. Don't be embarrassed.

Look. I think you're great.

You're cute and smart and interesting.

Really?



Yeah.

That's why I don't think we should kiss.

Look.

Leia, I just don't want to be

some meaningless hookup.

You know?



Like, if it's gonna happen,

I want it to just happen.

And I want it to be amazing.

Okay, that was really nice.

You sure you don't wanna kiss?



Because my back sweat is

really telling me it's time for romance.

Let's just see where the summer takes us.

Who knows?



It might be somewhere really special.

[exhales sharply]

[rock music playing]

Hello, Mr. Red.

Oh.

Fez, you're here. Good.

Look.

There's no easy way to say this.

It's over.

Oh no.

That's terrible.

How long do you have left?



- What?



- Don't worry, Mr. Red.

I'll take care of Ms. Kitty

when you're gone.

In every possible way.

I'm talking about you and Sherri.

The two of you are over.

What?



What are you talking about?



Is this a joke?



- Knock, knock.

- Who's there?



Sherri's dumping you.

That's not funny.

Chin up, kid.

You gave it your best sh*t.

Look at me!

Look me in the eyes

if you're going to rip my heart out!

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Red.

I shouldn't have raised my voice.

But I saw a life for us.

Holidays, travel, dying of an old age

while making love so we could be

buried together like a pretzel.

Tough break.

Yeah. Really tough.

Everything else in my life

has lined up perfectly.

But the most important part,

someone to share it with

it's missing.

Here's the thing, kid.

You're weird.

But, one day, you're gonna find

someone who loves that.

Besides, were you really ready for

the responsibility of a woman with kids?



She has kids?



It shouldn't be shocking

that a woman in her forties has kids.

She's in her forties?

!

Whew!

Really dodged a b*llet there. [chuckles]

[rock music playing]

I still can't believe Jay didn't kiss you.

It's so weird. Even though things didn't

turn out like I wanted, I'm not worried.

Kind of excited for what's next, you know?



I so do.

I just feel like a brand-new woman.

I can't wait to see

what's on the horizon for me

Mom. Thanks for the ride, but could you

go get your groove back somewhere else?



Okay, okay. I'll go find myself

at Contempo Casual.

So what's the plan?



Just wait around for Jay?



If he wanted me to wait for around him,

he shouldn't have told me

how cute and smart and interesting I am.

You dork.

I've been telling you all along

how awesome you are,

but it took some guy to say it

for it all to sink in.

No.

Yeah, that's what happened.

Whatever. I like the new confident Leia.

Me too.

Actually, I'll be right back.

- ["Shoop" playing]

- Hey, yeah ♪

I wanna shoop, baby ♪

Damn, that sounds sexy ♪

Here I go, here I go, here I go again ♪

- Girls, what's my weakness?



- Men! ♪

Okay then, chillin', chillin'

Mindin' my business ♪

Yo, Salt, I looked around

And I couldn't believe this ♪

I swear, I stared, my niece my witness ♪

The brother had it goin' on

With somethin' kinda ♪

Wicked, wicked, had to kick it ♪

I'm not shy so I asked for the digits ♪

A ho?

No, that don't make me ♪

See what I want

Slip slide to it swiftly ♪

Felt it in my hips so I dipped

Back to my bag of tricks ♪

Then I flipped for a tip

Make me wanna do tricks for him ♪

Makes me wanna shoop, shoop, shoop ♪

["Shoop" chorus playing]

[song fades out]

Bonjour, Etienne.

[in French] I miss you too.

What do you mean

your friends don't think I'm real?

It's the same thing

with these gauche Americans.

[laughing jauntily]

Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes.

Yes.

[somberly] Yes.

[rock music playing]