01x09 - Dirty Double Booker

[bunniefuu]

[rock guitar riff playing]

Summer's almost over.

They gave me everything,

and now they're taking it all away.

- Who's they?

- I don't know!

School.

Son of a bitch.

I haven't even started my summer reading,

so I'm reading one line from each book.

"Big Brother is watching you."

Okay. So it's about a perv. Next.

Hang on, there's a lot to love

about starting a new school year.

New homerooms,

the smell of fresh textbooks,

getting up early to learn.

[Gwen, Ozzie, and Jay] Boo!

Hey! Go easy on her.

School is cool.

I mean, we learn stuff,

and there's lockers, and

I'm sorry, babe. My heart's not in it.

"Once you stop learning, you start dying."

You know who said that?

Einstein.

- Einstein the bear?



- I'm done.

I am so screwed.

I was supposed to be working out

all summer for football. But instead,

I didn't.

Bro, come to my gym. I'll get you ripped.

Here, check it out.

It's like a snake ate a big rat,

and it hasn't digested it yet.

I want snake arms. Let's do this.

Sweet.

Oh, since it's your last weekend,

I traded shifts at work

so we can spend tomorrow together.

I wanna take you

to my special place in the woods.

And that was the last time

anyone saw her alive.

No, for a picnic.

I want to show you this overlook

with an amazing view.

That's so romantic.

There's this rock up there,

and it looks like two people doin' it.

They call it the bone stone.

Slightly less romantic [chuckles]

But I can't wait.

See you tomorrow.

What the hell?

You're blowing me off?



We're supposed to sneak

into the country club tomorrow.

Oh crap. I totally blanked.

But Jay's right.

It's our last Saturday together.

Dude, but it's our

last Saturday together too.

A bunch of rich people put up a fence

to keep us out?



Screw them. They're not better than us.

Right, Ozzie?



I mean

No. I'll cancel with Jay.

Nice.

The revolution starts tomorrow.

I'm gonna go see if my mom can drive us.

[door closes]

So you're canceling

the romantic picnic with snake arms?



Um

- You're gonna ditch your best friend?



- Ehh

You're a dirty double-booker!

I don't know what else to do,

but I think I can make it work, right?



I mean

- [rock music playing]

- One, two, three, four!

Hangin' out down the street ♪

The same old thing we did last week ♪

Not a thing to do ♪

But talk to you ♪

We're all all right! ♪

We're all all right! ♪

[young woman] Hello, Wisconsin!

Are you finished with the finance section?



Why are you here?



I can't be in the basement anymore.

Those kids are idiots.

I like you!

Okay, 3:00 p.m., great. I will be there.

[contented exclamation]

Red, that was Penny McFadden.

Penny McFadden?

!

[laughs] Yeah!

[both laughing]

I have no idea who that is.

From the high school.

Their school nurse didn't know

she was pregnant,

and just had her baby in the LensCrafters.

Eww!

That's where I get my contacts.

Well, she is taking

an extended maternity leave,

and I have an interview tomorrow

to replace her.

Kitty, why would you

want to go back to work?



You know what's there, don't you?



Work.

Leia will be leaving soon, and I really

enjoyed being around the kids.

Yeah, but you're forgetting about the part

where there's some jerk there

bossing you around.

By the way, I could use a refill.

Don't listen to him.

I think it's a great idea, Mrs. Forman.

I don't like you anymore.

Think about it.

You haven't worked in years.

You've gotten older and slower and softer.

Uh-huh?



You might need another refill.

How long have you been married?



'Cause that was a rookie mistake.

[rock music playing]

Bro.

Are you ready to shred?



Call me a block of mozzarella

and grate me over a pizza.

That's what I'm talking about.

- Bro!

- Bro!

- Bro!

- Let's go!

Let's go!

["Cowboys From Hell" by Pantera playing]

[screaming]

[straining]

[Nate yelling]

[both yelling]

You are so sweet

to help me with my résumé.

Some people are not so supportive.

Oh, I meant "softer" in a good way!

You know, like an old pillow.

I got it.

- Okay, tell me about your last job.

- I was a head nurse.

Perfect. Do you have any references?



Oh, my bosses all loved me.

But they are dead.

[rock music playing]

Come on, slowpoke.

Don't make me have to carry you.

[panting] Wait, hang on.

Look at the way

the sunlight is hitting those branches.

Nature can be so overwhelming.

Cool. Clocked it. Moving on.

Hey.

What's the rush?

We've got all day.

About that, um

I didn't want to tell you this,

but I might have to leave a little early.

- Why?

Do you have something else to do?



- No, no, it's just, um

I want to start getting back

on Chicago time before I move home.

- Isn't it the same time there?



- No. It's It's way different.

Because of the, um

the gravitational pull of the lake.

That makes sense.

Those lakes are doing

more than we think they're doing.

Yeah. So are we almost there?



Uh

- Actually, I'm kinda turned around.

- So, what, we're lost?



Wait, are we lost?



No. No, no, no. I think we're close.

Here, let me ask this guy if he knows.

Excuse me?



Do you know

where we can find the overlook?



Yeah, you've got to find

the under-look, okay?



And it's right above that.

Wait, Leo?



Good guess! [laughs]

Okay, let me try.

Patricia?



Yes. Patricia.

I knew it.

Um, but the overlook is up this way?



Yeah, yeah. Just around the corner, man.

Thanks.

Wait, wait, wait!

If you stand here, you can see

the very tip of the bone stone.

Uh-huh.

[gasps]

[rock music playing]

[pained grunts]

[panting]

I am so sore.

It took me 20 minutes

to get up your driveway.

Why did you think you can do an entire

summer's worth of workouts in one day?



He never thinks ahead.

Now he's so sore

he can't even use a toilet.

You're making me sound pathetic.

I can use it.

I just can't get up.

Those cookies look good.

[straining]

[pained breathing]

Here.

Now go downstairs. We're busy.

[with mouth full] Thanks, babe.

You know what would help you, honey?



Rub some Bengay on it.

I use it on my shoulder when I go too hard

on a big bowl of scrambled eggs.

Oh jeez.

Maybe Red was right.

If I get sore making breakfast,

how can I keep up with

a bunch of high school kids?



[light instrumental music playing]

Grandma. I got a little paper cut

in math class.

Oh, honey, let me get you a Band-Aid.

Mrs. Forman, I'm having a problem

with my eye. It fell out.

Oh dear. How did that happen?



It's a long story. Do you really feel like

we have time for that?



This paper cut's a gusher!

Oh! Put Put pressure on it!

I need this kidney transferred

into my body before sixth period.

Surgery?

!

She's having a baby now!

She was gonna go to the hospital,

but I said,

"No, let the school nurse handle it."

- What do I do?



- Don't push!

I pushed!

- [screaming]

- [baby crying]

[screaming]

I told you, you were in over your head.

Wah!

Wah! Wah!

[screaming]

That could all happen.

Hey, Mrs. Forman.

[Kitty gasps]

Holy smokes! How cute are the two of you?



You look like you just

came out of The Great Gatsby.

I read a line from that book today.

Where's Leia?

We're supposed to hang out.

Oh, she's not back yet.

She went on a picnic with Jay.

She's with Jay?



- Can you believe this?



- Yeah, she told me.

Ozzie!

A part of me thought

she could pull it off.

The same foolish part of me that believed

that Madonna and Dennis Rodman

would be together forever.

Whatever. Tell Leia she can bite me.

Okay, I'm just

I'm gonna put my own spin on it.

[Nate whimpers]

Hey! Be careful!

Are you still here?



Jay, why are we stopping?



We have no idea where we are.

I know.

Let's just take a break

and have our picnic.

Then I can start

working on the signal fire.

A signal fire?



I was supposed to be done with you by now.

Done with me?



All right, you've been acting weird

since we got here.

Is it 'cause I cried

when I saw that butterfly?



The truth is, I

I made plans with Gwen today too.

[gasps]

You're a dirty double-booker!

I know. I'm not proud.

Leia, you should have just told me.

I mean, I know I don't let anyone

touch my hair,

but other than that, I'm not unreasonable.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have lied. I

I didn't want to disappoint you,

and I didn't want to disappoint Gwen.

- I messed up.

- And what about Chicago?



It's the same time zone.

That one hurt.

- Leo?



- Hey! Great guess, man.

Hey, I got a question.

You guys know how to get to the overlook?



You just gave us

directions to the overlook.

Oh good. What did I say?



Great, we're all lost.

Just a heads-up.

There's a squirrel

that's been picking on me, man.

Tells me a joke and then he runs away

before he gets to the punch line.

Not cool.

How are we ever getting home?



Hey. Why don't you use my car?



Yeah. It's parked on the road

that goes right into town.

[squirrel chittering]

Knock-knock what, you jerk?

!

I'm so pissed at Leia right now.

Yeah, yeah. She's a monster.

I have bigger problems.

Um, excuse me.

I'd like to send this lemonade back.

I can taste the can.

I want freshly squeezed,

and I want it pronto.

Okay. May I have your member number?



May I have your unemployment number?



I'm so sorry.

I'll be right back with your drink.

And bring some nachos for the lady!

I'm here. I know I'm a little late,

but I can explain.

Oh my God, I can't wait to hear.

Oh wait. Don't care.

You know what I went through to get here?



I risked my life.

I just rode in a car where the seat belt

was a dried-out rattlesnake.

- Do you want to split a cheese plate?



- I got you.

Cheese plate!

Gwen, are you serious?

You're ignoring me?



You knew how important this was to me,

and you still blew me off for Jay.

Just forget it.

- Forget what?



- Everything.

Go back to Chicago and leave me alone.

What?

No, I'm not leaving

until we talk about this.

Excuse me?



Oh, good idea. Order some food,

and we'll have

that heart-to-heart we need.

She's not a member.

Gwen, you don't have to do this.

At least let me try the cheese plate!

They are just letting

anyone in these days.

[rock music playing]

Thank you for coming for moral support.

I hope it wasn't

too much of an inconvenience.

Are you kidding?



Being inside of the school before everyone

else is giving me such an adrenaline rush.

I feel like I can flip over a car.

Oh no.

Where is my résumé?

It's not here.

A can of tuna?



Yeah, I put that on top of my résumé

so I wouldn't forget it.

"To not" forget your résumé.

- But you forgot it.

- Okay, why am I on trial here?



Maybe this is a sign.

I have no business going back to work.

Red was right.

Well, I like the sound of that.

Red, what are you doing here?



- You forgot your résumé.

- [Kitty sighs]

And your wallet.

And I found a slipper in the microwave.

Yeah, yeah. I was I was a little nervous.

Yeah.

And now that I'm here,

I think I'm losing my nerve.

I mean, look how young they are.

I bet none of them even remember

the days when you could smoke in the ER.

Look.

Any time that you have set your mind

to something, you have done it.

I mean, I only wanted one kid,

and you talked me into Eric.

And that turned out

So don't give up.

You're a damn good nurse.

Go on in there and get this job.

Thank you.

They are not gonna know what hit them.

They'll call me when it's my turn.

Nate?

Are you okay?



[sighs] I'm so thirsty.

Can you reach that water for me?



And bring it to my lips?



And tip it in my mouth?

I'll do the rest.

[straining]

I thought you were

at the country club with Gwen.

[sighs] We got in a fight.

She went off on me

for being a little late.

She said some really mean things.

Did she say you had dog nipples too?



Um no.

[scoffs, chuckles] Yeah.

Me neither.

Look. Whatever she said,

you gotta let it roll off your back.

She gets like this. I mean

You're leaving soon.

But I don't understand.

I'm the one who has to go back to Chicago

and be invisible again.

Gwen's gonna be all busy doing cool stuff,

hanging out with friends at school.

Look, I know Gwen is like "Gwen" to you,

but it's different at school.

A lot of people don't get her.

I think she's gonna miss you

a lot more than you realize.

She wasn't acting like it today.

She got me tossed out of the country club.

Tossed.

Like DJ Jazzy Jeff.

I don't know,

but it's probably just Gwen's

messed-up way of dealing with losing you.

She's not.

I'm gonna call and and write

and visit whenever I can.

She's my best friend.

Can't imagine my life without her.

Have you told her that?



Maybe not enough.

Thanks, Nate. You're really smart.

No one's ever called me smart before.

It sounds weird.

Aw, Nate.

Ow, ow, ow, ow!

[rock music playing]

I got the job!

Attagirl! I knew you would.

They were so impressed

with my knowledge and my experience.

And the woman who was interviewing me

forgot her lunch,

so I gave her my can of tuna.

Sealed the deal.

[laughs]

Well, as long as you're happy,

I am happy for you.

I am.

I can't believe it.

I'm going back to work.

[chuckles]

[light instrumental music playing]

It happened again.

I'm not cut out for woodshop.

[suspenseful music playing]

[screaming]

Neat. Guess I'll be having those

all the time now.

[somber rock music playing]

I know you're there.

Hey, buddy.

- Don't.

- Oh, I'm gonna.

Look. Sometimes distance

can bring you closer.

Have you ever made someone laugh

from thousands of miles away?



Or or faxed your friend a recipe

from the beach?



That's from an AT&T commercial.

I'm trying here.

You can try all you want,

but I'm not doing this.

Yes, we are doing this.

You think I'm gonna leave

and never talk to you again?



That's not an option.

You have to talk to me.

Because, with AT&T's

new long-distance plan,

you can't afford not to.

Gwen, for real, you're my best friend,

and nothing will ever change that.

If I'm in Chicago, I'm here for you.

If I'm on the moon, I'm here for you.

When we die,

my ghost will haunt your ghost.

So get used to it,

because you're stuck with me.

I'm gonna miss you.

I'll miss you even more.

You're listening to Michael Bolton?



[chuckles] You really were

in a dark place.

If you tell anyone, I'll k*ll you.

Come on. You got this.

Push. Push, Nate!

[yells]

[giggles]

Nice.

You're an animal.

Thanks, bro.

This time tomorrow,

I'll be able to use a fork.

[both chuckle]

Hey. Sorry I wasn't here to help you out.

That's okay. Nikki wasn't either.

I think she was pretty annoyed.

But you know who did help me out?

Leia.

You lucked out, man. She's pretty great.

Yeah, when she's here.

What do you mean?



Well

How am I supposed to make this work

with Leia when she leaves?



I mean, yesterday was a mess,

and it's only gonna get more complicated

when she's all the way in Chicago.

I'm kinda freaked out.

- I think we need to have a serious talk.

- We are having a serious talk.

I meant me and Leia.

Oh.

Oh!

[rock music playing]

[rock music playing]