01x10 - Kids in America

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "That '90s Show". Aired: January 19, 2023 - present.
In the summer of 1995, Leia makes friends with a new generation of Point Place kids while visiting her grandparents.
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01x10 - Kids in America

Post by bunniefuu »

Leia, take the picture.

My eyes are burning. I need to blink.

There's only 24 pictures on this camera,

and I don't want to waste any of them.


I just took one of Ozzie's butt.

Send me a copy.

I can never get a good angle.

Why don't I take the pictures?

Oh great! Try to make me look really cool.

It's just a camera.

Ready to party?

I got the snacks. Nate's got the keg.


I walked into a spiderweb,

and she got away from me.

Dude, it's Leia's last night,

and you brought that nasty keg

from Fourth of July?

I took care of this thing

like it's my baby.

Till I dropped it down the stairs.

Just like Mom did to you?





Old, flat, skunky beer?

We are not this desperate.

I wish I was a little bit taller ♪

I wish I was a baller ♪

I wish I had a girl who looked good

I would call her ♪

I wish I had a rabbit in a hat

With a bat ♪

And a six-four Impala ♪

I wish I was like six-foot-nine

So I can get with Leoshi ♪

'Cause she don't know me

But yo, she's really fine ♪

You know I see her all the time

Everywhere I go ♪

And even in my dreams

I can scheme of ways to make her mine ♪

'Cause I know she's livin' phat ♪

I think I'm a really good dancer.

It's your last night, so sure.

Ozzie, are you gonna be sad when I'm gone?



He isn't great

about expressing his emotions.

If I say how I feel,

people say how they feel.

And I don't care.

Well, this is the perfect last night

to cap off the perfect summer.

I'll drink to that.


I was worried when you had that talk

with Leia about breaking things off,

it was gonna harsh the mood.

But it didn't!

I'm having a blast!

I haven't told her yet.


One, two, three, four!

Hangin' out down the street ♪

The same old thing we did last week ♪

Not a thing to do ♪

But talk to you ♪

We're all all right! ♪

We're all all right! ♪

Hello, Wisconsin!

- You're breaking up with me?

- No, no, no. Don't say it like that.

It's not a breakup.

It's like we were boyfriend

and girlfriend,

but we're gonna stop.

That's a breakup, you donk!

Oh my God, I'm one of

your summer things, you jerk.

Whoa. She cheesied your deezy.

Leia, I'm not being a jerk.

We're gonna be apart for nine months.

Long distance relationships are hard.


I don't want to put us through that.

So that's it?

We're not even gonna try?

Leia, I know you're upset,

but he's making a lot of sense.

This way you both can go off

and live your lives. Right, babe?

Yeah, long distance is nuts.


It's not for the faint of heart.

Do you know how much it costs

to call my boyfriend in Canada?

Well, your grandparents

are about to find out.

Gwen, help me out here.

He has a point.

You're with them?

No, I'm looking out for you.

I mean, it is a long time apart, and also


- Unbelievable!

- Leia

Do not follow me!

I am not afraid to use this thing!

Hold on. Let me get her.

Leia, phone!

I thought you'd be in a worse mood,

what with Leia leaving.

I was upset, but then I realized

she won't be gone for long.

Her boyfriend is here,

her best friend lives next door,

and she loves my potato salad.

And what about me?

I'm fun.

Hey, Grandma.

Hi, sweetie. It's Jay.


You suck!

Oh dear.

Hey, Leia. You feeling any better?

Oh, I just I I don't think she is.

Okay, so what's going on here?

Boyfriend stuff, me stuff,

and yesterday she got sick

from some weird potato salad.

Oh my God! Those are the big-ticket items!

She may not want to come back

next summer. I gotta talk to her.

Good luck.

Oh no.

Don't everyone leave.

Then it'll just be me and my newspaper.

Your tree could've k*lled someone.

I should sue.

My tree?

That tree came from your property.

Oh, then we'll call it an act of God.

Could've happened to the best of us.

But it didn't happen to the best of us.

It happened to you.

I have been telling you

that this tree is rotting,

and you need to take care of it.

I've been busy.

Doing what?

That would be me.

Oh, come on!

You had time to put on pants.

My pants take time to wiggle into.

Sometimes I have to, uh, grease my thighs.

This is attractive to you?

We bumped into each other at the Chili's,

and we decided to give it another try.

Yeah, it turned out I wanted

My baby back, baby back ♪

Could we get back to the tree?

You need to get ahold of your landlord

and get rid of this.

Oh, that guy's a real piece of work.

Can you talk to him?

You're so good at yellin' at people.

Fine, I'll take care of it.

Thanks, Red. You're a lifesaver.

I'll go call him right now.

I'll be right in.

- Did you do have fun cutting off my balls?

- What?

I should be the one

dealing with the landlord.

I need Sherri to see

that I am invested in our relationship.

Fine, call the landlord.

Just get this tree outta my driveway.

Oh, Mr. Red!

What the hell?


I don't know what you heard,

but this show ain't free.

They eat my popsicles,

they take over my basement,

and they turn my life upside down.


Okay, now you're starting

to sound like your grandpa.

Let's not forget how much you love it here

and how you can't wait to come back.

Come back?

I I just want to get out of this

this crappy Podunk town.

Well, I have carved out

a pretty nice life here in Point Place.

But I guess that doesn't matter.

Hey. I know I'm early.


I tried to call,

but it sounded like someone was

banging the phone around in a pot.

Mom, thank God you're here.

Everything's ruined.

My boyfriend broke up with me,

and for some reason I took it out on Gwen.

- Boyfriend?

- Jay Kelso.


We talk all the time.

You don't mention any of this?

Well, no, I think

I think what is truly important here

is that Leia had a hoot this summer.

Which she seems to be forgetting.

Movie nights,

trips to the lake house, the rave

- A rave?

- Oh, don't be such a square, Donna.

Look, I'll explain everything in the car.

Right now I just need

to get out of this hellhole.

Well, would a hellhole have

such a catchy commercial?

Everything points to this place ♪

- Let me talk to her for a sec?

- Fine.

George Harrison's sister lived here.

Mom, I

I feel so stupid.

I thought I was having

this perfect summer, and

now it's all ruined.

Honey, breakups suck.

How would you know?

You've been with Dad since high school.

- Actually, we broke up a lot.

- You did?

Yeah, and one of those times

I dated Jay's uncle, Casey.

A Kelso?


Look, being a teenager gets messy.

Whenever I was going through something,

you know who helped me through it?

My friends.

So just go talk to Gwen.

What is it with these Kelsos?

- It's the hair.

- I know. It's so perfect.

Thanks again for helping me

deal with my landlord.

That was the sexiest thing

you've ever done.

I mean, besides the way

you say "pistachio."



I don't know what's happening,

but it seems weird.

Oh, Gwen. You remember my friend, Fez?

Yeah, your "friend" used all my bodywash.

It's so nice to meet

another fan of the cucumber-melon.

Can I have 20 bucks?

I need to get something for Leia.

Oh, allow me.

Oh yeah, I feel it.

Fifty it is.

Thanks, new Dad.

Oh, that was awful sweet of you.

Well, I'm a problem solver, baby.

Oh. Good.

'Cause my landlord's here.



It's you.

- Fenton, what are you doing here?

- I own this place.

Along with three other homes,

one duplex, and a Dippin' Dots.

Yeah. Take it all in, Fez.

This is what success looks like.

Oh, I know what success looks like.

Have you heard of Chez Fez?


I sat through one of your annoying

commercials when I was in the bath.

I'd already put in my salt, so I didn't

wanna get out and change the channel.

Which is a long way of saying

I have a TV in my bathroom, bitch.

Okay, then! Now that we're

all caught up on everything, I guess

When you signed your lease,

it specifically said

no pets over 150 pounds.

I'm 149!

With those thighs?

- I'd rather these thighs than that face.

- I'd rather this face than those shoes.

- I'd rather these shoes than no hair.

- Go to hell!

I'll see you there!

Let's not get our panties in a bunch.

We still gotta deal with that tree.

I'm not touching that tree

until you pay your rent.

- Which just went up because of that.

- What?

And stay the hell away from

my Dippin' Dots!

You will never taste

the ice cream of the future.

- Pistach

- I am not in the mood!

Hi, Jay.

Mrs. Forman?

It's time we had a little chat.

How did you know I was here?

Oh, this is my town, sweetie.

I have eyes everywhere.

How's Leia doing?

I mean, I feel really bad about

how things went down, but I had to do it.

Well, that is what

I wanted to talk to you about.

She is so upset,

she may not come back next summer.

That's not what I wanted.

This isn't about you!

No, no, it is about you, honey.

You were saying?

I wasn't trying to hurt her, Mrs. Forman.

It's just, you know, anything can happen.

What if she meets someone else?

Or what if I get asked

to star in the next Karate Kid?

I mean, I'd have to move to Reseda!

Okay, okay.

Let me tell you a little story about

a long distance relationship of mine.

I was dating this boy

I was madly in love with.

And then the w*r started.

He was being shipped overseas.

World w*r I?

Anyway, we decided

we would still give it a sh*t.

And I never regretted that decision.

And that guy was Red?

No, I think his name was Steve.

So your point is

long distance doesn't work?

Not with Steve.

He had a giant belly button.

I could see it through his sweaters.

The point is, at least we tried.

Honey, don't go through life

wondering what could have been.

You're squeezing my hand pretty hard,

Mrs. Forman.

I really want you to give it a try.

It's getting tighter.

I open a lot of mayonnaise jars.


A fly landed on my crotch, and I'm trying

to decide if it's worth the swat.

Damn. It flew away.

That's probably a good thing.

- Oh, where's Gwen?

- She's out somewhere.

I don't want to leave

without saying goodbye to her.

I totally overreacted.

This is my first breakup,

and I'm not handling it too well.

Yeah, it sucks.

My first breakup felt like my heart

was getting ripped out of my butt, so

And it made it even worse

that everyone was agreeing with Jay.

Not everyone.

Look, I was in a tough spot

'cause Jay's my best friend, but

I agree with you.

- You do?

- Yeah.

And then Nikki chimed in

talking about living separate lives,

and I got worried I'd get

my heart ripped out of my butt again.

Come on, Nate. That's just how she is.

I know. I just

I wish she wasn't always so

- God, there just isn't a word for it.

- Practical?

Cool. We just invented a word!

Well, thanks for telling me

all this, Nate.

It's nice to know there's

another hopeless romantic out there.


I mean, what's more powerful than love?

Maybe lightning. But that's it.

Right. If two people are meant to be,

then they can survive anything.


Do you know how lucky it is

to find that special person?

Someone who you feel comfortable with?

- And someone you can talk to.

- And everything's just easy.

- Right. I mean, someone who just

- Gets you?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

What the hell?


- Leia?


- Gwen?


- Nate?


- Gwen?


There was a fly on my junk.

Oh, that Fenton makes my blood boil.

But I also want to be there for Sherri.

Oh, so much drama. Right, mama?

Who are you?

I think he's banging Gwen's mom.


Yes, I am.

Oh, and we had just rekindled

the flame to our relationship.

Then Fenton just stomped it out.

Oh, cry with me.

Sorry. I can't get water from a stone.

Oh, you two are no help.

I miss my people.

Maybe this life doesn't even matter,

you know?

Maybe we're not even here.

Or, no. Maybe I'm here, but you're not.




I just totally forgot why I was laughing.

Isn't that funny?

I'm losing my patience with you, man.

You gotta get with her.

I mean, there's nothing more beautiful

than when two people

fit together perfectly like

Well, like two of these potato

How do they do this?


That's it?

I have to let go of my grudge with Fenton

to fix my relationship with Sherri.

Fez, what are you doing here?


Oh, this is so great.

The old g*ng is here.

Maybe we should get you some fresh air.

Donna, Donna. I can't.

Eric is my best friend.

- How?

- I don't know.

- Why?

- I do not know.

He's Jay's best friend.

He's Nikki's boyfriend.

He's your brother.


This is so bad.

- Why are you laughing?

- Sorry.

I was just thinking about

the first time we came up here.

You'd never had a beer.

You'd never kissed anyone.

You never stopped

talking about debate club.


I was such a dork.

But now look at you.

You're an agent of chaos. I love it.

Gwen, what do I do now?

There's nothing to do.

You didn't kiss Nate.

You don't owe Jay anything.

So, for now, you go back to Chicago,

you call me every freaking day,

we see each other as much as we can,

and then come back next summer,

and we do it all again.

I like this plan.

Hang on. I got you something.

Wanna break one more law before you go?

At this point, why the hell not?

I don't know what you said to Fenton,

but he's completely backed off.

He's getting rid of that tree,

and he promised to re-carpet the bathroom.

Well, I like you,

so I put my ego aside

and, uh, made him a peace offering.

Well, I made that birch my bitch.

Guess I can take this off now.

Take a picture. It'll last longer.

I got that hair

from a dog groomer.

I win.

Hey, thanks for helping me out

with this, Fez.

Most guys would have just

left me in the lurch.

Oh, hearing you say that

makes me emotional.

And those emotions

are going into my pants.

Oh, my body's such a puzzle.

Well, let's go into the bedroom

and put our pieces together.

Oh, I was hoping to have sex, but

Sure, whatever.

Let's do what you wanna do.

- Thanks for everything, Grandpa.

- Come here, kiddo.

Loved having you around.


But you tell your friends,

the basement is off-limits

while you're gone.

My turn! My turn!


I love you, honey.

Tell your friends

they can use the basement

as much as they want while you're gone.

Thanks, Grandma. I love you too.


Grandpa, it's getting tighter!


She's tappin' out.


We don't have to talk about it.

It was nothing.



- No, it was something.

- Yeah, it was definitely something.


I'm so glad I caught you before you left.

- Oh. Hey, bro.

- Nothing.

What are you doing here?

I did some soul-searching

and a crap ton of karate,

and I realized I was wrong.

I'm not ready to give up on us.

And I know I was a jerk,

but if you give me another chance, Leia,

I will spend every day

making it up to you.

Jay, that's

That's so sweet, I

I'm just a little confused right now.

Maybe this will help.

That was a good one.

Um, Gwen?

She'll call you when she gets to Chicago.

- Not if I call you first.

- Okay, keep it moving.

Okay, Le-Le. Last goodbyes, we gotta go.

- You're calling me soon as you get home.

- Oh, we have a lot to talk about.


That was the last picture. My job is done.

I am so sorry.

- What?

- Nothing.

Get in the car. Get in the car.

Get in the car. Get in the car.

I'm really gonna miss her.

Me too.


Leia, nooo!

It's okay, buddy.

Come back, Leia! Come baaack!

Looking out a dirty old window ♪

Outside the cars in the city

Go rushing by ♪

I sit here alone and I wonder why ♪

Friday night and everyone's moving ♪

I can feel the heat

But it's soothing, heading down ♪

I search for the b*at

In this dirty town ♪

Downtown the young ones are going ♪

Downtown the young ones are growing ♪

- We're the kids in America ♪

- Whoa-oh ♪

- We're the kids in America ♪

- Whoa-oh ♪

Everybody live for the music-go-round ♪

Bright lights, the music gets faster ♪

Look, boy, don't check on your watch

Not another glance ♪

I'm not leaving now, honey

Not a chance ♪

Hotshot, give me no problems ♪

Much later, baby

You'll be saying never mind ♪

You know life is cruel

Life is never kind ♪

Kind hearts don't make a new story ♪

Kind hearts don't grab any glory ♪

- We're the kids in America ♪

- Whoa-oh ♪

- We're the kids in America ♪

- Whoa-oh ♪

Everybody live for the music-go-round ♪
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