01x01 - Katie the Crook

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Gimme a Break!" Aired: October 29, 1981 – May 12, 1987.*
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Nell Harper is the no-nonsense housekeeper and surrogate mother for police chief Carl Kanisky's children: Samantha, Julie and Katie.
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01x01 - Katie the Crook

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ Gimme a break, I sure deserve it ♪

♪ Gimme a break, I sure deserve it ♪

♪ It's time I made it to the top ♪

♪ Gimme a break, I'm looking forward ♪

♪ Get behind me, pull out every stop ♪

♪ I want a happy ending, I'm tired of pretending ♪

♪ Won't let 'em get the best of me ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa

♪ Gimme a break

♪ The game is survival

♪ Gimme a break

♪ And plan my arrival

♪ Gimme a break

♪ For heaven's sake

♪ What happened to my piece of the cake? ♪

♪ Gimme a break

♪ Gimme a break

♪ Gimme a break!

♪ Me, me, me, me ♪ you, you, you, you

Hi, sam.


What happened to you?

Dewey mitten hit me.

Oh, my poor baby.

Oh, that's a bad one, too.

Think I should put a steak on it?

At $ a pound?

How about a scoop of hamburger helper?

I just wish I could have gotten one punch in.

Samantha, I have told you, that's not very ladylike.

But you told me to stick up for my rights.

Yeah, but that's when they're smaller than you.

He is smaller than me.

It's not fair that boys can beat you up.

Yeah, you're right.

Come on, follow me.

Put up your dukes. What?

I'm gonna teach you how to box.

Come on. But you're a girl.

Honey, I am woman.

Come on. I'm gonna teach you how to box.

Come on.

Get the vibe.

Bob and weave! Bob and weave!

Come on!


Now, you eat that, sucker.

Listen, when everything else fails,

You got to kick him where it hurts.

Where's that?

That's another lesson.

Go set the table.

When are we gonna eat?

As soon as your father gets home from work

And that sister of yours gets home from school.

You know she's late again today?

You think she's late today?

Yesterday she got home from school at at night.

You should have heard dad scream.

Was that your daddy screaming?

[ Snickers ]

I thought I heard a greyhound bus hit a pig.


Tonight, why don't we try to get the chief

In a good mood for a change?


Why don't you take off these overalls

And put on a nice little dress, huh?

Nell! What?

I hate dresses!

They show off your boobies.

That turns boys into animals.

You know how it is.

Yeah, it's m*rder.

Get out of here.

Go wash your hands.

Oh, you're studying.

Yeah, right.

You know, you're not like I was, honey.

Let me see that.

"The official sex manual." You are like I was.

This is our homework.

Oh, what's next semester, "do it in the road"?

We don't want to read this book. We have to.

We're studying for a test.

George, I hope it's a written test.

You've got nothing to worry about.


Listen to this.

They're telling how a woman gets pregnant.

[ Gasps ] girl, I have often wondered about that.

You see, I've heard these rumors.

Just listen to this book.

"To make a baby, a man releases a substance

Made up of thousands of tiny, little pollywogs."


Who wrote that?

Wait, here comes the spicy part.

"These pollywogs wiggle their way

"To a special part of the woman.

This is called 'the oven.'"

Yeah, that's where, um...

That's where most people get burned.

"It's a very long trip for the pollywogs.

"Some get sick, some get tired.

"But if just one pollywog makes it to the oven,

A momentous event happens to the woman."

Yeah, she throws up after breakfast.

George, a mind is a terrible thing to waste.

Listen, julie, don't you and george

Get too carried away with this stuff, okay?


We wouldn't do anything you wouldn't do.

If you did, dear, you better blindfold your teddy bear.

[ Humming ]

[ Vacuum humming ]

Oh, sh**t.

I'm sorry, gertrude.

[ Humming continues ]

Oh, you're home.

You figured that out, huh?

What's for dinner?

Meat loaf and squash. You'll love it.

I hate meat loaf.

And I hate squash.

Good, you'll have a balanced diet.

[ Screams ]

Oh, master, master, please don't sh**t me!

[ Speaks indistinctly ]

Gimme a break, will ya?

You wouldn't believe

What I went through at headquarters today.

This cop doesn't want to work in the park.

That one doesn't want to work nights.

This one wants to come out of the closet.

A gay cop.

Is there nothing sacred?

How do I know he ain't in there kissing a suspect?

Where the hell is gertrude?

I sent her to the cleaners.

I'll tell you, nell, I'd put in my retirement papers tomorrow

If I didn't have three kids.

It's getting to be just too much of a...

What do you mean you sent her to the cleaners?

You don't send goldfish to the cleaners.

My people do.

[ Sighs ]

Phone bill.

Gas bill.

"Win two glorious weeks in hawaii."


No hawaii for me, honey.

All that pineapple reminds me of that beverly hills diet.

Hey, what is it?

I always promised margaret I'd take her to hawaii.

I never took her.

Oh, chief, I'm sure she understood.

[ Door closes ]

Hi, daddy.

Hey, sweetheart!

Aw, my little girl hurt her eye?

Yeah, dewey mitten hit me.

But tomorrow, I'm gonna waste that sucker!

Do you believe that?

My little girl fighting for her life

In that ghetto schoolyard?

It's that damn busing.

Your fish is dead.

Hey, when I was talking about busing,

I wasn't talking about black people.

No, no, the australians are causing all the problems.

Where are you going?

To the kitchen for some alka-seltzer.

Alka-seltzer? You haven't even eaten.

With your cooking, my stomach needs a head start.


Hi, daddy.

Uh, good evening, chief kanisky.

I'm gonna stuff you in the toaster.

Uh, chief kanisky,

I want you to know that it wasn't just lust.

I mean, I have deep emotional feelings for julie.

You're too short for deep emotions.

Daddy, george is very sensitive about his height.

What height?

We were just kissing.

Kissing is bad!

Kissing in front of me is suicidal.

Sit down.


Look, I'm sorry I made that crack about your height.

It's all right.

You're not that short.

You're not that tall, either, but you're not that short.

Maybe I got a little bit too mad, but...

What's a pollywog?

It's what comes --

Never mind, I figured it out.

What are you reading this garbage for?

It's our schoolwork.

Is that what they teach you?

No wonder the schools are overcrowded.

It's really stupid, isn't it?

That's right, george.

They shouldn't be teaching you this kind of stuff.

Yeah, we already know it.

Get out of here, you little runt.

Mr. Kanisky -- out!

You're grounded.

That's not fair.

I don't have to be fair.

I'm your father.

You're so old-fashioned.

Didn't you ever suck face?

"Suck face"?!

That's it!

You're not dating any boys until after you're married.

Dad, that's crazy.

You think that's crazy?

Wait till the next time I catch you

With your lips stuck on a runt.

Well, you handled that well.

Listen, could we eat?

Obviously, you know the meaning of that word.

When katie gets home from school, you can eat.

She's not home from school yet?

It's already.

Well, maybe she's studying.

Oh, yeah.

It's tough keeping up a straight "f" average.

I don't know what's gotten into that kid

Ever since her mother passed away.

It's gonna take her time to get over it.

Just relax.

[ Knock on door ]

There's somebody at the door.


[ Knocking continues ]

I'm coming! I'm coming!

Katie! Are you all right?!

She's okay, chief.

I just thought it'd be better to sweep this under the rug

And not book her.

For what?!


What the hell were you doing? Don't make a big deal out of nothing.


To me, stealing is something.

A big something.

Yeah, to you, everything's a big something.

I get paid to put crooks like you in jail.

Will you stop acting like a cop?

The whole thing was a joke.

Then, how come I'm not laughing?

Dad, all my friends do it.

I know all your friends -- they're a bunch of bums.

You don't understand anything.

I understand that my daughter's a thief.

What would your mother say?

Well, she can't say anything. She's dead!

Did that make you feel good?

Now, that's enough, katie.

Why don't you just get out your rubber hose?

That's it!

You don't listen to me, you run around with trash,

You're failing in school, and you're failing your family --

I want you out of this house.

I'm not taking care of you anymore.

You think you got all the answers?

Go ahead, make it on your own.



I can't wait to pack and get out of this house.

Don't steal a bed.

You're making a big mistake.

I don't want to talk about it.



That's the nice part about having a sister --

You've always got somebody to talk to.

What are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing?

I'm packing.

That's what it looks like you're doing.

What happened?

I heard a lot of screaming.

Did dad catch you sucking face?

I got caught shoplifting.

Holy crud.

You should have heard the way he was yelling at me.

It's just dad's way of saying he loves you.

Yeah, he sure loves me.

He called me a criminal, he said my friends are trash,

And he wants me out of the house.

Sometimes he has a hard time expressing himself.

Look, julie...

I don't want you to feel bad,

But I'm moving out of the house and I'm not coming back.

Can I have your room?

That's warm, jule, real warm.

Yeah, sure, why not?

It's just gonna be sitting here...



I don't want your room.

Don't tell me that you're gonna miss me, julie.

Miss you?

I hated you for years.

But it's your room, and you belong in it.

Hey, what are you two doing?

Get out! Get out!

It's my house. I can go anywhere I want to.

Out! Out!

Are you talking dirty?

Can you believe this nerd?


Look, we're just talking, and we want to be alone, okay?

I know all about sex.

It's what you do when you're .



I'm gonna tell dad you spit on me.

[ Sighs ]

Just come down to dinner like nothing happened.

Julie, something happened,

And dad's not gonna forget about it.

Neither am i.

What's that?

It's a rubber duck, stupid.

You're , in love with a duck, and I'm stupid.

You sleep with that?

Mom gave it to me when I was little, and...

I don't know.

At night, I just like to know it's there.

Taking it with you?

It's dumb, huh?

I mean, if I'm old enough to live alone,

Then I'm old enough to live without a duck, right?


Can I have it?

Yeah. Sure.

[ Toy squeaking ]

It's cute.

Yeah, so are you.


I thought you wanted something to eat.

I'm not hungry.

Yeah, now you're not hungry

'Cause now you're worried about katie.

I'm not hungry 'cause I'm looking at that meat loaf.

You like to pretend you don't have any feelings, don't you?

But I can tell what's going on.

What are you talking about?

Every time you get upset,

You have this one, lone, skinny, little vein

On top of your forehead that pops out.

I am not upset!

Yep, there it is.

She was caught shoplifting.

Haven't you ever done anything that was crazy?

Yeah, hiring you.

First of all, you did not hire me.

I volunteered.

Now, before your wife died,

I promised her I would stay around here

To make sure you didn't do anything stupid.

Well, today you win the medal of dumbness.

Look, as long as katie's in this house,

She's got to learn to live by my rules.

That's exactly what my father said.

He sounds like a smart man.

He was a stubborn, old jackass...

Just like you.

You know, um, one day my daddy caught me upstairs

In the bedroom with this little boy from next door.

And he would not believe me

When I said we weren't doing nothing.

I don't believe you either.

Well, we weren't doing nothing.

The kid didn't know a damn thing.

Anyway, my daddy threw me out.

Then he started to miss me.

So he started looking for me.

And he looked and he looked and he looked.

[ Laughs ]

I never thought of you as hard to find.

He started to hear me in the house, even when I wasn't there.

You know, he used to wake up calling my name.

"Nell? Psst!


[ Imitates sobbing ] nell!"

Well, he died a miserable, old man.

Now, you already old.

All you got left is miserable.

Honey, you want me to call you a cab?

I don't have any money for a cab.

You don't want to leave.

Nell, I can't stay here.

He hit me.


Look, just sit down for a minute, okay?

[ Sighs ]

Honey, you brought that on yourself.

You had no right to talk about your mama like that.

Your daddy's still all torn up about it.

Torn up?!

Nell, he never cried.

How do you know? Not even one damn tear!

Honey, your daddy's a policeman.

Policemen are not allowed to cry.

Did you know if they caught a tear in a cop's eye,

They take his badge, take him off the swat team,

And immediately turn him into a meter maid?

Nell, you don't know what you're talking about.

I do know what I'm talking about, katie.

Every morning when I make up your father's bed,

I can still tell he doesn't sleep on your mother's side.

It's like the man's waiting for her to come back.

But, nell -- no, you wait a minute.

Honey, you and your daddy

Are so angry about losing your mama,

You're gonna end up losing each other.

I thought you were leaving.

I am.


[ Sobbing ] I'm sorry, daddy.

So am i.

I didn't mean what I said about mom.

It's just that sometimes I get so mad at her

Because she left us like that.

I know. I miss her, too.

[ Sniffles ]

I love you.

Oh, I love you, too, honey.

[ Loud wailing ]

What are you crying for?

Gertrude, your goldfish.
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