02x10 - I Am Gossip

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Gossip Girl". Aired: July 2021 to present.
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02x10 - I Am Gossip

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GOSSIP GIRL: Greetings, followers. Do you feel it?

The aftershocks from my b*mb's direct hits

in Hudson yesterday are still reverberating

through all five boroughs.

- But don't blame me...

...for that unsteady sensation below your feet.

That, my dear followers, is the feeling of regret.

Maybe it was that wrong thing you did for the right reason,

but now, somehow just feels even more wrong.

AUDREY HOPE: Tenth time's the charm?


- Shit.
- He said no?

- Worse.
- He blocked us?

♪ I got two sugars Can't stop thinking... ♪


♪ Sugar on my mind
And it hurts so bad... ♪

GOSSIP GIRL: Or maybe it's something

- even worse than regret...


Remorse for the things
we didn't know we did

until it was too late.

♪ I got two sugars
And that's you, sugar ♪

♪ Guess I'm leaving Malibu... ♪

MONET DE HAAN: Morning, Mother.

I know there's nothing you love more

than destroying people
over a London Fog latte, so...

Um, if you ever need a break,
I can help you narrow down the list.

Outing Gossip Girl is
a job I need done correctly.

I can't risk your imprecise
hands ruining it

like they do everything else you touch,

including this latte.

GOSSIP GIRL: But lucky for you,
I'm here to keep an eye out

for any regrets in the making.

Which brings me
to my final word of caution.

If anyone thinks
they can stop my mission,

I regret to inform you,
I'm unstoppable now.

Gotta get going. My manager said
if I'm late again,

they'll assign me
to the Staten Island Mall.

Unbelievable. Ever since we got Helena,

kids have been turning on their parents

and sending incredible tips
from everywhere.

Seriously, Kate?

Camille de Haan has your name on a list

she's narrowing down by the second.

The more you post, the more
you're playing with f*re.

People have tried to expose us before

and we managed to get out clean.

Sure, if your definition
includes blackmail, bounties,

and you getting literally black-bagged.

Exactly. If we survived Georgina Sparks,

we can survive anything.

We'll figure it out,
just like we always have.

Maybe we've been each other's
good luck charm all along.

You know what they say about luck.

It favors the bold.

JORDAN GLASSBERG: It always runs out.



No, we just wanna talk.

Fine. Speak.

Look, we get you're upset,
but blocking us like bots?

- Really?
- Whoa, whoa. You hurt me.

Therefore, I get to respond
however I see fit.

The block was to buy myself some space

and time to think things through.
I deserve that much, don't I?

Well, how long?


Um, can we just come in
for a little bit?

No. And space. And this goes
for you two as well, right?

All for all or none for none?

Oh, yeah. Of course. Um...

Does this start now or...

Right. So we give him
space until he's ready to talk,

which means
we also give each other space.

To be clear, this is not
a free pass to kiss Ingrid.

She kissed me.
And I already told you that.

I'm still hurt, babe.

Did you feel the same way when we
made Max hook up with other people?

Did you?


I hope you didn't rush them off
on my account.

Perhaps we're all due
for a little catch-up, no?

You will go nowhere near them.

Maxy, Maxy, Maxy, I'd hoped last night

would be the B sh*t in the ass
you needed to sh**t you out of this.

What is that
even supposed to mean, Heidi?

Enough morose Max.

If you won't bring
the old one back, I will.

No. No one can ever know
about this, okay?

I was... I was drunk, and I was hurt.

And I just... I wasn't in my right mind.

And you were just waiting
for my guard to come down.

And come it did.

I say we let Gossip Girl decide.


And now that she knows what you did,

soon everyone will.

Enjoy the waning moments of monoga-Max.

I don't get it.
Why is this such a big deal?


I've never been invited
to the Met Gala before.

Max has because of Gideon,
and Aki has because of his dad.

But for me to get this?

Thank you. That was made clear
the first three times.

(SCOFFS) De Haan HR.

In case I've forgotten
that I'm not allowed

within feet of the building.

The litigious cherry on top,
my personal items

are under review on suspicion
of stealing company property.

Sounds like you need a signature
Nick Lott breakfast.

I know it always make me feel better.

NICK: Nothing like turkey bacon
to take the sting

out of losing the lease
on my legal action office space.

So it'll take you a little longer
to branch out on your own.

So what? You're still a great lawyer

and any law firm in town
would be so lucky to have you.

That was before I was
blacklisted by the de Haans.

You'll bounce back. You always do.

Not so sure this time.

In the interest of protecting

the Bergmann brand, I've decided to put

all projects spearheaded
by my mother on ice

for the foreseeable future.



HEIDI: I'll be sure
to tell that to the Journal

when they corner me
at the Gala tomorrow.

- Auf wiedersehen.
- BERGMANN EXEC: Auf wiedersehen.

So, what do you think?

I think it sounds like
you're trying to take Mom's job

while she waits
to hear on the arraignment.

- Leave us.

(SCOFFS) Does Dad know
about this, Heidi?

Because Mom could spend years in prison

for a mistake that you made.

Dad will never let that happen.
With his team of lawyers,

she'll be released
in two to eighteen months,

and then she'll retire early
and spend her days

getting sloshed at society lunches

and having affairs
with much younger men.

- Everybody wins.
- This isn't right, Heidi.


Was it right that Mom's only son
sold her out...

to Gossip Girl?

I mean, those DMs were from your phone.

Relax, kleiner.

I was always going to assume the throne.

This just sped up the timeline.

And now, unlike Mom and Dad,

I know that my little brother
is a shark, just like me.

I'll save you a corner office.

- Das ist Heidi.


- Do you know what is this about?
- Not a clue, which worries me.

The last idea she didn't run
by us resulted in Zoya.

Whatever Jules has summoned us for,
after everything she's done to you,

I'm surprised you showed.

LUNA LA: Hmm. I have a feeling
they're not here

to just see Julien.

Hmm. Uh-oh. Trouble in para-thrice?


♪ Mommy don't know Daddy's getting hot ♪

♪ At the body shop
Doing something unholy ♪

Oh, shit.
We shouldn't have come together.

Maybe wait for a minute
before you head over.

Why not you?

'Cause I thought of it first.

♪ A lucky, lucky girl ♪

♪ She got married To a boy like you ♪

♪ She'd kick you out
If she ever, ever knew... ♪

- Where's Aki?

How should I know? (SCOFFS)

Because he was in the elevator
with us like two seconds ago?

No, he was not. What?

Aki, there you are.

You're late. How rude.

Can, uh, can you get to the part
where you tell us why we're here

so I can leave?

Am I the only one who's excited?

Yes. Yes, I am.

I'm done excluding you from my plans.

We all have the same enemy.

We can't continue to let GG divide us.

This has been her plan the whole time.

Create rancor between us
so she has more and more to write about.

I swear to God, if you say,
"we're stronger together..."

Did you know that when I sent the text

to ask you here, it was the first time

we'd used the group chat
since New Year's?

We used to be a family,
and we still can be.

Yeah, you know what?
I... I just... I think

that we should put more effort
into protecting our friendships

rather than trying to take down
somebody that's untouchable.

That's not true. My mom came very close.

And failed.

MONET: But I can finish the job.
Or we can.

Look, if it means Gossip Girl
never posts another tip again,

then I'm in.

- Me too.
- Me too.

You know what? Uh, with...
With all due respect, Jules,

it just... it seems...
to me like you're...

You're playing into GG's hands
a little bit.

I mean, you said yourself,
she wants to start a w*r, right?

And that's... I mean, let's
face it, that's what we're doing.

You know, I... I say we play
the long game, you know?

I say we wait it out, ignore her,
and eventually she'll go away.

♪ Yeah She put it down slowly... ♪

I can't be alone on this.

Right? (SCOFFS)

Nobody's safe until Gossip Girl
ceases to exist.

If we unite, we can take her out.

I know we can.

f*ck waiting.

- How do we ice the bitch?

ZOYA LOTT: This is
what I'm talking about.


PHONE) We're gonna hack into her Insta

and force her to reveal her identity.

Ak, that's where you come in.

What, him? He got a C in programming.

Is your dad still in town?

All that power to
spy on everybody,

we might as well
put it to good use.

Well, I mean I can ask,
but you know how he is.

Tell him we'll give him the exclusive
for his papers on her identity.

I'm sure he'll cooperate.

Well, here's to the destruction
of Gossip Girl.

ALL: To the destruction of Gossip Girl!


- Well...

You did it. You made them better.

- Better t*rrorists.
- This is so disappointing.

My guess is they'll try
to target your IP address.

Maybe there's a way
I can temporarily block it.

Well, at least this means
we don't have to worry

about Camille anymore.

Congratulations. We officially
leveled up to Roger Menzies,

the world's worst human.



Oh... okay. I can take a hint.

- Any news from Aki?
- I'm still mad.


Under yellow light On the street ♪

Putting too much faith... ♪

But I'm also tired
of not having a best friend.

The only other best friends I have
are the two people I'm dating,

which makes it impossible
to talk about them.

And right now,
I really need to talk about them.

Are things not going well?

You should know. You started it.

Sorry, you didn't. You just...
maybe knew about it first.

Look, my boyfriend cheating on me,
even just a kiss, it hurts.

And having been so focused
on the thr*at of losing Max,

I'm finally realizing...

I really don't wanna lose Aki either.

Well... if I was still your best friend,

I might say something like...
Of course you're scared.

You have so much going on
with your mom and dad.

Add two partners to that...

(SCOFFS) Most people, myself included,

can barely handle one.

Maybe just give yourself a break.

Allow yourself the space
to process whatever you need.

I forgot how you used to talk
before Gossip Girl.

- Get used to it.

After tonight,
it's all you're gonna hear.

- AUDREY: Oh! Hey, he's back!
- You guys, you guys, you guys.

Enough suspense. What happened?

SHAN: Ew, a Realme?

Uh, that can barely text.

How could that possibly help anyone?

Meet Eugenia Sandoval.
A fake Constance student

who will appear real enough
online for our purposes,

especially when she sends a tip
in to Gossip Girl.

Okay, and what exactly
does that do for us?

Well, that tip will have a link,
and the second Gossip Girl

presses it, we'll have complete
access to her account.



we can see whatever name
and email is attached to it.

I knew your dad did this shit.

Hey, let's debate ethics later.

So, what tip should we send
to ensure that she clicks it?

Uh, Constance is secretly run
by the Illuminati?

No, everyone knows they work New Jersey.

- Hmm.
- What about Harry Styles

caught cheating on Olivia Wilde
after hours at The Cock?

Obvious phishing.
No queerbaiting, please.

Has to be something she'll believe.

"Spotted, Julien Calloway at Dumbo Hall.

Finally sent packing over
her self-centered drama,

false apologies, and inability
to own her bullshit."

Here, take the photo.



Well, so, shall we hit send?

- MAX: Hmm.
- JULIEN: No. Wait.

We do it together.


I set up every safeguard I can think of.

Now, I just need to think
of the ones I can't think of.

- So we're good?

Hmm. Back to business as usual.

Oh, my God. You're in.



Oh, my God! They got in.

MONET: Click on her account page.

- Already did.
- Quicker. Quicker.

Oh, my God. Do something.
Anything! Uh, I clicked a link,

and they got into the account.
f*ck! Shit!


They're gonna see my
info any second. I'm so d*ad.

- Kate.
- I'm so d*ad.

Kate, calm down. Do you really think

I'd let anything trace back to you?

I rerouted the account info
to somebody else this afternoon.

You did? To who?

Click on it.

- Uh...
- Of course it's you.

Wait, that doesn't make any sense.


What the hell?

How could she know we have the account?

Someone must have tipped her off.

Mm-mm. Not just someone.

One of us.

(EXHALES) So close!
I really thought they had me.

Uh, what next? You use computer magic

to boot them from the account?

Even if I block them,
they'll find another way in.

And if not them,
someone else after that,

and someone else after that.

Camille is after you. Roger Menzies.

Do you want to go to jail?

Or do you want to go out on a high,

knowing that you made
a huge impact in under a year?

- Kate...

it's time.


Hi, Jules. Did you eat?

Chef made scampi,
and there's plenty.

Then we can go
over our Gala looks.

I think I'm just gonna shower
and crash. But thank you, Heidi.

- Yeah. I'll be right up.

I had your, uh, tux pressed.
I assume you're going with Julien?

Yeah, I am.
But you're not coming with us.

Oh, you know, she already
invited me in your car.


You know there is something else
that we could do together.

We could publicly own up
to our missteps,

prove that Mom is innocent.

It's fine to admit that you're human.

- People make mistakes, Heidi.
- I don't.

But you did.

You had those papers forged
because you were wrong

about the site that you'd chosen.

Now, they're all working
to cover up your mistake.

Who said it was a mistake?



You set Mom up.

You knew exactly what
you were doing, huh? You...

You knew that she would take the fall

and you would get her job.

Always so dramatic, brother.

Wow. A whole meal
without a phone on the table.

Is it my birthday?

Why don't I do all the dishes
since you did all the cooking?

Never gonna say no to that.

- JORDAN: You know what?

We should take a trip this summer.

How about we go to the Berkshires?

Unless you really don't like mosquitoes.

Uh-huh. Sounds nice.




You know, in the Berkshires,
they have these little flies.

They're called mayflies.
They usually come out in May.

But, um, sometimes they... they last,

you know, like through the summer.

But I think we're probably gonna be good

if we go in, uh, like July.




Or we could drive south.

I've always wanted to go to Savannah.

Have you ever been to Savannah?

I don't know how they feel
about Jews, though.

Sounds delightful... ly anthropological.


JORDAN: The one thing about Savannah

is I feel like the humidity
is gonna be really bad there.

And, um, you haven't really seen
me sweat yet, so...

JORDAN: You know what?
Maybe not Savannah because I...

I have this sweating condition,
it's not pretty.

Ooh, we should grab ice cream
from Mr. Kiwi.

You read my mind.

- JULIEN: You up here, babe?

- Yeah, I'm just waiting for you.


JORDAN: All done. All right, let's go.

I want cookies and cream.


Well, that was unexpected.

I forgot how uncomplicated sex can be.

You mean with just one person?

No, just me and you being... being us.

Max will understand, right?

Well, he did ask us to give him space.

And I think we're definitely
giving it to him.

Exactly. Oh, and time.

Don't forget,
he also asked for that too.

- Or maybe...
- We shouldn't tell him?

- Because after this...
- It won't happen again.

I mean, at least until
we have some clarity

about what we are, the three of us.

Yeah. So it's settled then.

We're just doing
what's best for the three of us.

Now we should do it again.

It's like every time we get close to GG,

she sees us coming.

But who would betray us like that?

Well, whoever she is,
she's gotta be offering

something in return, right?

I mean, something
they couldn't get anywhere else.

What could be so
important that you'd

lie to the people
you care most about?


Hold that thought.

When you said you were in the shower,

I TaskRabbited some Morgensterns.

So I'm gonna go grab that
and then when I come back,

we'll make a plan B through Z
on how to take down GG.

- Sound good?
- Sounds perfect.

- All right.




Obie? Our Obie? No f*cking way.

They were DM-ing in Vanish Mode.
And it all clicked.

He's been working
with her this whole time.

It's how she knew we were coming.

Obie fired the warning shots.

Et tu, Otto? But why?

MONET: To take down
his family, obviously.

I mean, why else would she care
about old Germans

and real estate scandals?

LUNA: And why should I care about this?

What's gotten into you, Lu?

Maybe I'm just tired
of high school. Aren't you?

Okay, look, no one starts
something like Gossip Girl

without wanting to be known.
To be talked about.

To be talked about? She's anonymous.

ZOYA: What if she wasn't?

GG thinks she's unstoppable.

That level of pride
can only mean one thing.

If you damage it, she'll react.

So, what does an egotist hate
more than anything?

Someone taking the mic
and doing it better?

You're going to say you're Gossip Girl.

And on the official account too.

Claiming credit for being
Gossip Girl this whole time

in a spectacular,
headline-grabbing b*mb,

on the Met Gala steps of all places.

And when the real GG
sees you claim credit,

she won't be able to resist
outing herself

in order to regain glory.

Only it won't be me.

No. No one would buy it.

She's gone after you
too hard, too often.

We need a more obvious bad guy.


Why are you all looking at me?

(SCOFFS) I'd be more believable
as Anonymous.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY) Fine, I'll do it.

No. It has to be me.
It makes the most sense.

She started when I arrived.
Dan was an outsider.

Yeah, and a terrible writer,
so this tracks.

He also talked about himself
almost as much anybody else.

So let's lean in.

People have to believe
this is true if it's gonna work.

But you could be expelled.

GG destroyed my dad's career.
So that's a risk...

I'm willing to take.

Okay. Now, who wants to hear the plan?

JULIEN: Audrey will get Kiki
to create a gown

for the reveal of all reveals.

My mom's in rehab, remember?

But I'm sure she'd love to help.

JULIEN: How we doing in here?

AUDREY: I'd say two
more minutes and we're...


JULIEN: Max will convince Gideon
to invite an unexpected guest

as his plus one.

- Suddenly, I feel undressed.
- Oh, nonsense, you look perfect.

JULIEN: Luna will smuggle
Keek's dress into the gala

so that Zoya can make a quick change

- before she hits the carpet.
- I wouldn't ask, but my client

did just rip a rather revealing seam.

Anything for you, Miss La.
Let me worry about my aunt.

Um, any chance
you might wanna take a selfie?

I thought you'd never ask.

JULIEN: And most important of all...

- ...before we do the big reveal,

we need to make sure
that Gossip Girl is watching.

Wait a minute.
How are we supposed to do that?

By posting.

Only this time, we do it better
than she ever could.

We get more scandalous, more brutal.

We say even more revealing stuff
about ourselves

than she ever dared to.

We tell the truth. All of it.

I'll need every one of you to text me

your biggest, most revealing secrets,

and I'll post them as her.

But... only if everyone agrees.



Let's f*ck this bitch up.


GOSSIP GIRL: Greetings,
followers. Did you miss me?

On this holy of all holy nights...


...how about I make up for
some unfortunately lost time

by giving you my rundown

of the hottest and the not-its
looks and lookers?


GOSSIP GIRL: They say the truth hurts.

- I hope you're all sadists...
- Wow!

...because tonight,
you'll be getting the whole

and nothing but.

Including the biggest truth of all.

The identity of yours truly.

Holy shit. The kids are claiming
they're gonna reveal

GG's identity at the Met Gala tonight,

like right now.
Do you think they found us?

This is Julien playing games again.
Do not take the bait.

(SIGHS) You're right. You're right.

I know you're right.

I'm gonna distract myself with a shower.

That's a great idea.


GOSSIP GIRL: Monet de Haan,
looking funereal Kim

at Kourtney's Dolce & Bananas wedding.

- It's giving a nine out of ten.
- Wow. Look at that!

But what's hotter is her mother
having been the brains

behind the union-busting scandal

Daddy de Haan pinned on Nick Nobody.

Obie Bergmann!
I'd recognize you anywhere.

Andy Cohen. Nice to, uh,
nice to meet you.

How do you know who I am?

I'm a big Gossip Girl fan.
You're one of its stars.

Wait, Gossip Girl is back?

With a vengeance. It's almost
like a reality show at this point.

GG not only outed my husband Eric,

she nearly destroyed his family
and friends,

and then she turned out
to be my brother-in-law.

It's very complicated story
that would take

like six years to explain.

Yeah, but your Gossip Girl's
far more brutal.

Plus, there's no love story
like Chuck and Blair.

I mean, it's straight up mean.

I hope someone finds
whoever it is and stops them.

- Yeah.
- Obie, was it?

- Yes.
- Well, good luck.

Thank you. Cheers.

- See you. Let's go find SJ.
- Oh, yeah.


Audrey Hope, what a surprise
to see you here.

- Surprised why?
- I mean...

I'm sorry. I... I'm late
for anything that isn't this.

I... I... Actually, I sent this in
to Gossip Girl,

but she ignored me.
Um... But I just figured

it was only fair that I tell you myself.

Okay, fine. Tell me.



- AUDREY: We have to talk.
- About what?

You know what?
You can read about it in a minute.

Read about what?

MAX: Hey, everyone.
Everything ready, I hope?

So nice to see
the three of you together.

I spy Alessandro Michele over there.

Or is that Jared Leto? Hey! You...

- You look ravishing.

Hey, your clothes are behind this wall.

Let's get you ready, come on.
You two, keep an eye out.

AKI MENZIES: You haven't told your dad?

- Told him what?
- That we're taking a break?

- Is that what we're doing?
- Isn't it?

One of us definitely is.


GOSSIP GIRL: Max Wolfe in Bode bondage.

Seven out of ten.

'Cause haven't we been here before?

A leopard can't change
its spots, and a lone wolf

can't be tamed.
Max strayed from his pack

with none other than
apex predator Heidi B.

Will the collision with that icy Berg

sink the Tri-Tanic?

That's what I wanted to tell you.

It's what he should have told us.

It happened after our fight
at the summit.

I was angry and hurt.

And Heidi got me very, very drunk.


Yeah. But I... I'm glad
that it happened.

- You are?
- You are?


Because of all the allegedly
regrettable things

that I've done in my life,
cheating on you two

was the first time
that I felt true regret.

Look, I miss you both, terribly.

You may not feel that way
after you read the next post.

ZOYA: Hello? You're supposed
to be helping me?

What are you talking about?

Right here, turn over here.

I've been stalling
on the carpet so long,

people are getting sick of me!
Get an ETA please?

On it. Yeah, okay.


Julien Calloway? It's Fernando

- from Monse and Oscar.
- I know who you are.

Laura and I were looking at you
from over there, you both look amazing.

And if you guys are ever interested
in modeling, give us a call.

Oh, she's just my stylist.
She's not a model.

- See you inside?
- Okay.

- Did you seriously just do that?
- Do what?

Once again, you're so self-obsessed

you can't see anyone outside yourself.

I'm done. I'm f*cking done.

Wait! I need you for this to work!

: Beautiful. Beautiful, thank you.

♪ They've been waiting
For me to walk on water ♪

Well don't hold your breath
Baby I owe you nada... ♪

You should have heeded

Coco's advice and taken one thing off.

Yourself. Out of that fit.

Shine slight like a zirconia, BB.

- GOSSIP GIRL: Six out of ten.

When will she learn
to not be such a try-hard?

Or is she still trying to outrun

that she's still living large
off DJ Daddy's dirty dollars?

Hey, can we talk?

I know, it's awful.

And just when I thought GG
couldn't stoop any lower.


I know you posted that.

Bravo. Are you gonna
use those powers of perception

to rat us out again?
That's right, we all know.

You were working with her all along.

Look, I'm sorry, Jules.

I am, all right? But
look, things have

been so complicated
with my family,

teaming up with Gossip Girl
seemed like my only choice.

All right?
And I... I wanted to tell you,

but I was afraid of losing you again,

and I've clearly been misled by GG

and lost sight of what matters most.

Right? My friends.

But most of all, you.

Okay? So just please
give me another sh*t.

Just give me access to GG,

and I will post a bitter pill of my own.

JULIEN: Don't let me down again.

All right.

Look, I'll say it again.
We make a good team.

We belong together.
And Heidi, she meant nothing.

Max, there's something that...


- What?

GOSSIP GIRL: Audrey and Aki,

this year's harle-queen and king.

A median six out of ten.
Monochrome was so last season.

You know what else appears to be over?

The unholy trinity.

Max may have trifled outside the triad,

but Audrey and Aki trifled within.

Evens beats odds any day.

We were upset about the possibility
of losing you, so we...

Went running back to each other
and acted as if I never existed?

Enough Call Me by Your Lame.
It's time, come on.

what did that disco ball

do to you? Two out of ten.

But since we're talking betrayal,
let's focus all in the family.

That fall of Helena?

Less her due and a lot more coup.

She was set up by her
duplicitous daughter,

wanting to snatch the empire
all to herself,

and I have the receipts to prove it.

- Achtung, Baby H?
- What the f*ck is this?

What are you talking about?
Heidi, you're not making sense.

You know exactly what I'm talking about.

You told Gossip Girl, you little bitch.

I knew it!

Yes, you're right.
See? I'm still saying it.

- I'm so disappointed.
- Don't be. Look.

Obie's doing it.
He's taking out his sister!

This is like proof
of concept right here!

It worked! The whole thing worked!

what exactly, Heidi?

You're not making any sense.

HEIDI: You know exactly what you did!

OBIE: No, I don't. What... I have
no idea what you're talking about.


MONET: Where are you? Obie lied.
He's using GG for his own shit.

Julien's gonna be pissed
when she finds out.

- I need your help.
- I don't care.

- Okay.

- Um... Excuse me, sir.
- Yes.

Hi. I'm so sorry to do this to you,

but I think that someone might
be recording tonight's event.

- That's like a big no-no, right?
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, okay. Look at this.

HEIDI: Why are you being
so f*cking weird? What is this?

OBIE: I'm just trying to make
sure I know what you're asking.

- Got it.
- MONET: Thank you so much.

Look, maybe Mom's attorneys
found out what you did,

all right? I mean, she said
she had receipts.

- Is that at all possible?
- I don't know. I...

(EXHALES HEAVILY) I don't think so. I...

You little...

- Sir, please come with me.
- HEIDI: You little bitch.


Don't f*ck this up, honey.

Olivia, such an honor to have you here

- in this fantastic...
- Carolina Herrera.

- Well, you look amazing.
- Thank you.

Lukas Gage.
This is your first Met, right?

Yes, it is. I think it's just
a lesson for everyone out there.

If you show your ass on TV,
you get invited to the Met Gala.

Period. You look fantastic.
Enjoy your evening, guys.

- You too. Thank you.
- Thank you.

It's now! It's now!




REPORTER : Wait, who is that?

That can't be real. Is this real?

REPORTER : What's going on?

REPORTER : Is that really her?

REPORTER : And look.

REPORTER : Tell us your name!

REPORTER : Could it really be her?

REPORTER : Oh, my God.
She looks incredible.

REPORTER : It says "Gossip Girl"!

REPORTER : She's Gossip Girl!
Oh, my God. Look at that!

REPORTER : Gossip Girl! Who are you?


REPORTER : This way please, this way!

REPORTER : She's Gossip Girl.

REPORTER : Does anyone know who she is?

REPORTER : Can we see
your face? Can we see your face?

REPORTER : What's your
name? Tell us who you are!

Is that a Gee's Bend quilt dress
augmented by, uh...

Kiki Hope!

Kiki Hope?

A guest's causing a disturbance.

We've got a rogue walker on the carpet.

SECURITY : We got her.

SECURITY : Get her out of there, now!

- Shit!
- SECURITY : Let's go. Come on.

- SECURITY : Come on.
- SECURITY : Let's go.

- REPORTER : No! Stop!
- SECURITY : We're on our way.

REPORTER : Stop! No! Don't take her!

Are you seeing this?

REPORTER : Zoya, turn around! Please!

Zoya, just a quick picture,
please turn around!


Why would Zoya do this?

Attention, power, influence?

Let her have it. You're free.

We're free!
No one will ever know it's you.

I know.

It's perfect.

Nothing. There's nothing.

Well, Operation: Out GG
was a total f*cking bust.

All of that for nothing.

It's okay, Jules. You tried. Truly.

But it wasn't enough.

And now GG gets to vanish into the ether

while my little sister
goes down for all of it.

Yet another one of my plans up in flames

and hurting people that I care about.

I found Max.


Max. Max, is now a good time to talk?

What's there to discuss?
Okay? You betrayed me.

Max, come on. I think it's safe to say

we all did some betraying here.

Yeah, exactly. So why don't we move past

our mutual transgressions and just...

forgive each other?

This didn't work, just admit it.
This did not work at all.

- AUDREY: Max...
- So if it didn't...

so if it's over, and it is over,

it's over for all three of us, right?

- AKI: No, we...
- All for all or none for none.


don't wanna be done.

Which "we"?

Us three or you two?


What an absolute... fool I am,

an absolute f*cking fool.



I loved you. You know that, right?

f*ck you, both of you.



Just got off the phone
with, uh, my mom's lawyers.

Told them, you know, Heidi set her up...

and I can prove the whole thing.

What did he say?

Oh, you know, he said,

He said that I should
mind my own business

and that Heidi's ruthlessness
is exactly what the company needs.

Here I am, you know, just...

trying to do the right thing and...

yet again screwing over
someone that I love.

My plan didn't work either.

What didn't work?

Drawing Gossip Girl out.

We thought that if Zoya
took credit for being GG,

that she would be so jealous
that she would out herself.

But instead, we just gave her
an escape hatch.

And now, Zoya is gonna have
a permanent record,

be expelled from school,

among being one of the
most hated people in New York.

That's it?

That's what you wanted to do?
That's... that's easy.

What are you talking about?


What's the best way to catch flies?







We're closed for the night.

Yes, I know. I'm here for the meeting.

The Shonda meeting?
Or the Ryan Murphy...

You're with the Gossip Girl group?

- Yes. I'm with Gossip Girl.
- Danny Strong is right this way.

Mr. Strong,
you can't believe these women.

They're not Gossip Girl,

and they don't have the rights
to her story.

- Ms. Keller?
- Oh, my God.

My story.

I'm Gossip Girl.

And I can prove it.

I refuse to allow anyone
else to take credit.

And credit you shall have.

Tomorrow morning, in fact, on
the front page of the Spectator.

And tomorrow night, on my show.

Eric's at the Spectator right
now, giving the exclusive to Nate.

I wanted to see what you looked
like with my own eyes.

A teacher? What a twist!

- Also, kinda gross.
- NICK: How could you do this?

I... I... I wanted to make them better.

I wanted them to be better!

So you cyberstalked and bullied
teenagers into being scared,

hurt, confused, isolated?

You tried to ruin Julien's life.

Her father is an evil person who...

You tried to destroy
my daughter's reputation.

You did destroy my career.

- Nick, please, I can explain.
- You tried to get close to me.

- You pretended to care.
- I do care.

Explain to them.


Zoya's a minor. She would've gotten
a fine, some counseling. But you?

NICK: First degree harassment,
stalking in the third degree,

the civil suits you have
coming your way.

Let's talk libel. Let's talk defamation.

Whatever happens to me,
I'll be able to sleep at night

knowing I succeeded. I made you better.

- I made you good.
- You didn't make us anything.

And in a year's time,
we'll have all forgotten about you.

But you? You'll have lost everything.

What about the rights?

ANDY COHEN: If you were a kid, maybe.

But no one wants to see a teacher.




Obes, wake up.
I have a great day planned.

No, no plans, no plans.
We're on vacation.

We've been vacationing for weeks!

We only have three days left in Rome
before we get back on the yacht.

So we have lots of shopping to do.

You're waking me up for shopping?

And walking and eating and kissing...


Oh, good, you're up.

Look, we only have more minutes

before breakfast closes,
and if I miss the maritozzo,

I will be a real mother...


So, what are we gonna wear?
Yesterday, Léa Seydoux

was dressed to the nines.

- Let's be tens.


Not a chance I'm going shopping.


Oh, someone woke up late.

Okay, you promised you'd stop poking.

You promised you'd stop
deserving it. Hey...

AKI: Peace at last.

I mean, if this is what
the EU brings out in us,

I don't think we should ever leave.

Honestly, man, I mean,

what's waiting back
in New York, anyways?

Okay, don't get me wrong.
This place is beautiful

and everything looks
like an Instagram filter.

But now that GG's gone,
I feel like my life in New York

is just about to start.


Time to find what makes the city
special to me, you know?

Does that include finding
a special someone?

You all have your great loves.
Maybe it's time I find mine.

Well, seeing
that we just became friends,

I'd say let's take it
one miracle at a time.

Now, eat, we're already behind schedule.

What's on schedule?

ALL: Shopping!


So, tell me about this great love.

What are you looking for? Details.

Um, I guess somebody who understands

- where I come from.
- AUDREY: Mm-hmm.

And someone who shares
the same interests as me.

Someone who
definitely can't afford this.

Or this, actually.
I'd say it's on me, but unfortunately,

- I am that someone.
- Well, lucky for you two,

my dad feels so guilty,
he wants to buy back my love,

- so...

- AUDREY: Do you have these in a ?
- Si. I'll check.

- Hey, you okay?
- Yeah, it's just Monet

complaining about how her mom
won't let her come meet us.

Of course.

Okay, I'm gonna go try these shoes on.

Did you ever figure out why it was
so important for us to come to Rome?

I was really looking forward to Ravello.

Yeah, you know, Jules wouldn't say.

She won't tell me. But all she said

is that she has some
opportunity out here

and... if it goes well,
then she'll tell me.

Well, at least we made the most of it.


Okay, I have to say it.

We've been on that boat for weeks
and everyone else has been afraid to.

You have to be mad.

I'm not.

Are we really talking
about this right now?

You have to be mad, Julien.

No, I... I really think she's not.

She... She took your spot
up there. That was yours.

Okay, she didn't take anything.

I got the same offer,
and I didn't follow up.

You know what? It's one campaign.

You know what I mean? How long
is it gonna be up there?

A month, two months?

AKI: Yeah. And models are
a dime a dozen anyway.

You wanna grill me? Let's see
if you can take the same heat.

Have you heard from him?

Has anyone?

- Um... Well, what's to hear?

We hurt him, and he hates us, so...

Yeah, last time I talked to Gidi,

he said Max was going away
for the summer

and specifically said
not to tell us where, so...

Wherever he is, I'm sure that he's fine.

All right? He's always fine.


- BOUNCER: Idiot! Leave him out!

Oh, f*ck. (GROANS)

Throwing me out... (COUGHS)
...means that you are over.

- Freund.
- And don't come back.



MAN: You must have done
something pretty terrible

to get thrown out of Berghain.

Need any help?

Oh, you'll do just fine.



(IN ENGLISH) I'm not gonna be
available tomorrow.

What, the mission is finally activated?

Look, you can trust me. All right?

Things have changed.
We're... We're different.

I do trust you. I...
I just don't trust myself.

If I tell you
and you tell me not to do it,

I might not do it,
and I really need to do this.

Good luck.






You've got good taste.


But my favorite's Hapgood.

Arcadia's a close second.

This place is amazing, isn't it?

Nothing like it back in the States.

Why do we live there again?


Oh, I'm interrupting your...
Your zoning out.

No, no, no, I wasn't. I was, um...

I was just picturing
what it would feel like

to write something worthy
of a place like this.

Which then reminded me
that I haven't written anything

worthy of... even myself in a year.

I'm sorry, I don't know why
I just told you that. I don't...

I don't even know you.

Phillip Price. Now you know me.

Zoya Lott, and I'm not so sure I do.


I've got two tickets
to The Barber of Seville

at Caracalla.

They're these ancient bath ruins,

they do opera there every summer.

I promise, I'm not a weirdo.

I was supposed to meet with a friend,

but he fell in love
on his way out of Berlin.

- Oh.
- So that's why I'm stuck here solo.

Uh, my hostel has these
really weird shower rules,

so I've got to run, but...

maybe I'll see you tomorrow night?




I'm Julien Calloway.

Yes, you are.

And I... I think you're my aunt Naomi?


I don't know
what you want me to say here.

I came all this way to find you,

even though you've wanted
nothing to do with me

my entire life.

That's not... entirely untrue.

JULIEN: I just want to know why.

Why don't I know you?

Why don't I know my grandparents?
Are they even still alive?

And why, because of that, do I
know nothing about my mother?

You're the only one
who can answer these questions.

Julien... God, even just saying
your name...


I want you to really think about it.

I want to know it's the truth.

Once you know, there's no going back.

And you may not like it.

I'll be here tomorrow at : .

Table for two.

If you show up,
I'll know you're ready to talk.

I'll be ready to listen.


♪ The stars that shine ♪

♪ And the stars that shrink ♪

In the face of stagnation
The water runs ♪

♪ Before your eyes ♪

Swallowing diamonds A cutting throat ♪

♪ Your teeth when you grin ♪

Reflecting beams On tombstones ♪

♪ A jamboree of surprises ♪

♪ Playing Russian roulette
Or the lucky dip ♪

♪ A clenched fist To your heart ♪

♪ Coal dust on your lungs... ♪

Hi. Ciao.

How did the mission go?

It was an illuminating part one.

And how many parts are there?

I don't know yet, but I will let you know when I do.

I'm just not gonna be available tonight.

Okay. No worries. Whatever you need.


OBIE: That's what I'm saying, with

all this beautiful food in front of us,

all these places to eat, you guys wanna go shopping?

AUDREY: No, but...

OBIE: I mean, you can shop in New York.

We're staying at the Fendi Suites, bro.

There's different things in Italy.
Are you crazy? You know that.

Don't play dumb. Why do boys always try to do that?

I don't... I'm just saying, guys...


Once we get back to New Y...

Did you land any new tricks lately?

- No, baby! Stop it!

- Now, you look happy.
- Well, a boy asked me out.

A boy who knows who Tom Stoppard is.

Oh, he's definitely got one on us.

You know what?
I met a new friend today too.

Funny, so did I.
This really sweet guy's boyfriend

just dumped him out of nowhere.

Well, seems like it's been a very eventful day

- for all of us.
- With more to come.

And on that note... here's to our future...

and a Gossip Girl-free existence.

May she rest in pieces, having given us back our peace.

- Cheers.

- Yeah.
- AUDREY: Like, period!

OBIE: My Lord, it just feels like I've been reborn,

you know what I mean?



All right, uh, leave us. Um, leave us.

- Oui, monsieur.


So... you were a teacher at my son's school.

And then you quit because of Gossip Girl?

You flew me all the way to Europe to meet you at dawn

and talk about Gossip Girl?

All right, tell me.

(CHUCKLES) Did you quit because of her

or because you were her?

- Excuse me?
- Oh, it's all right. I know.

I know all about that Kate person.

And I also know that she didn't act alone.

Oh, God. Of course you know.
You know everything.

ROGER MENZIES: Calm down, Mr. Glassberg.

I'm not gonna k*ll you.
I'm gonna hire you.

I want to expand Gossip Girl.

Uh, sh... shouldn't you be talking to Kate?

No, no. Kate made it too personal.

She was on a mission.
But you did it for love.

And I bet you love money, huh? (LAUGHS)

You see, Gossip Girl, it shouldn't be just one person. It... It...

It should be everybody, in the palm of your hand,

at any moment, in any part of the world.

And all ad-supported.

You wanna make Gossip Girl an app?

No, not an app. The app.


All the teenagers all over the world,

spying on each other. (LAUGHS)

We'll make so much money...

you'll never have to pick a fingernail out of a keyboard ever again.

I'm offering you a piece, Mr. Glassberg.

A piece of the future.

What do you say?
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