05x12 - The Stopped Show

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "BoJack Horseman". Aired: August 22, 2014 – January 31, 2020.
A humanoid horse, BoJack Horseman -- lost in a sea of self-loathing and booze -- decides it's time for a comeback.
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05x12 - The Stopped Show

Post by bunniefuu »


You shut down production?

Just for a couple of days.

What is going on over there?

- It's a minor injury issue.

- A stunt went slightly awry.


And one of our stars got a little strangled.

- What?

- Just a little strangled.

Like, the minimum amount of strangled.

Everyone's fine now.

It's like it didn't even happen.

- Except

- Except what?

Some crew members might have taken some video of the incident that could leak to the press at any moment.

But that's it! Okay, I'm pulling the plug.

- [Flip]


- No! It's too dangerous! We gotta cut our losses.

Cut your losses?

Philbert is a monster hit! We put your site on the map, boy

-o, so don't get squeamish now about sunk cost.

Face it: You need us like a fish needs a bicycle in Portland, Austin, Boulder, or Minneapolis, Saint Paul! You are out of order.


Switch Boulder and Austin and move the Twin Cities to the front.

Now, can you give me a chance to get everything under control?

- [Henry slams door]

Yes! Yes! Yes!

- [Todd sighs]

You have one more chance.

Do you promise me you can take care of this?

I'm clearing my docket.

This is my only priority.

Good, because my boss has made it very clear that if we let him down, he will, quote, "eat my ass for dinner.

" [theme music playing]

- [high

-pitched ringing]

- [ringtone playing]

- [phone beeps]

- Hello?

Hey, buddy, well, how ya feeling today?


Am I supposed to be on set right now?

You just stay right there.

I'm coming over.

- Okay.

- Do me a favor, though?

Maybe don't watch any TV, or go on the Internet, or take any phone calls from anybody else until I get there, okay?

- What?

- [touch tones beeping]

- Ugh.

- [line ringing]

- Stuart.

- What up?

Draft an email to Biscuits Braxby.

I wanna set up an interview for Hold on, I'm getting another call.

You want that part in the email?

- Hello?

- Princess Carolyn! It's Sadie.

Remember me?

You wanted my baby, and you came down to Eden, then you thought about your past a lot, and I decided not to give you my baby?

Of course I remember you, Sadie.

Unfortunately, this isn't a great time.

Anyway, I got to thinking I interviewed a lot of people for adoption.

After I said I wasn't gonna give them the baby, They all went cold or nasty.

Except you.

You were still nice.

- [tires screech]

- I think that's a sign.


- How fast can you get to Eden?

- Why?

My boyfriend left me, my mama stole my truck,

- and I don't want this baby no more.

- Oh, fish, Sadie.

I'm kind of in the middle of something now.

You're in the middle of something?

I'm about as deep in contractions as an apostrophe!

- [panting]

- I know.

This is all just coming so fast.

I Let me call you back.

Okay, but if this baby pops out and you're not here,

- I'm putting it in a dumpster.

- [gasps]

I'm kidding, I'm giving it to someone else.


- Hey.

- Hi.

I always forget how tiny and Dickensian this place is.

It's really great how you don't need nice things to be happy.

- Yes, I agree.

What do you want?

- [door closes]

For the last couple months, I've had work to distract me, but now that we're on strangle hiatus, I can't stop thinking about that "thing" that happened in the prepiere of the Philbert.

- "Strangle hiatus?


- Diane, stay on topic.

- You know what "thing" I'm talking about?

- Yes.

- The thing between us?

- Got it.

When we had sex?

I was on top and then briefly on bottom.


-y style?

Yep, I remember.

Pickles has no idea, and I've never felt so guilty in my life.

I hate keeping secrets from people.

It's like Rob Schneider's surprise party all over again.

You cheating on your girlfriend is not the same as Rob Schneider's surprise party.

You're right, this is much less sad and involves more people.

- Just tell Pickles the truth.

- Oh, I'm not good at giving bad news.

- Could you do it?

- What?

No! But you're so good at bumming people out.

I'm more of a "good news" guy.

You want your ex

-wife to explain the fact that you cheated with your ex

-wife to your current girlfriend?

Well, of course every idea sounds stupid if you describe what it is.

You're not the only one who feels gross about that night.

Do you have any idea how shitty I felt after you left?

So I made you feel gross, and now No, you didn't make me anything! I am gross.

I feel, all the time, like a garbage f*re.

And not a cozy dumpster in a quaint alley, but a barge, floating out to sea, with no rudder.

I am a rudderless burning large garbage barge.

Well, I'm sorry that you feel that way all the time, but I don't usually, and now, for the first time ever, I do, and I don't know what to do with that feeling!

- Good! You should feel bad!

- Well, I do!

- Great! Me, too!

- Great! Great! [both moaning, kissing]

So, what, exactly, do you think happened last night?

Uh I don't know.

We sh*t some stuff?

There was an accident on set and Gina got injured.

- Oh, my God, she did?

- She's fine.

- But some footage has gotten out.

- Footage?

And because of how it looks, some people might get the impression that you were trying to hurt Gina.

- They're gonna get the impression.

- Right.

- But I wasn't.

- Of course not.

What did happen?

So, the two of you are gonna do a sit

-down interview with Biscuits Braxby.


She makes news fun! Yes.

All you need to say is that you know the footage looks bad, but you and Gina are actors.

You performed a convincing scene, and you can't wait for everyone to see the new season.

Well, it seems like you've got everything under control.


I'm sorry things got so messy with the show.

I didn't always look out for you as much as I should have.

I can take care of myself.

I know you've got a lot on your plate.

It's just been so crazy, this adoption process, but I think once I get a baby, my life will be less hectic, you know?

Oh, sure.

That is why new mothers always seem so chilled

-out and well


Okay, buddy.

Why don't you save your funny jokes for the interview?

But please don't make jokes at the interview.

[both sigh]

Sorry I broke every piece of furniture you own.

- Will 20 dollars cover it?

- Don't worry about it.

But, yes.

- So, what happens now?

- I don't know.

- I have to tell Pickles.

- Yeah.

- I'll tell her you and I had a talk.

- Okay.

- And we're getting back together.

- Wait, what?

- But she's a great girl.

- No, no.

But she is a great girl.

You just don't know her.

No, Mr.


I don't want to get back together with you.

- What?

- I think you misunderstood.

- Then why do you keep doing this?

- Why do you keep doing this?

- Because I love you!

- Don't say that.

It's true.

I never stopped loving you.


We can't do this ever again.

- I'm sorry.

- [sighs]


I told you you were great at giving bad news.

That is not what I wanted to hear.

BoJack, Biscuits.

Biscuits, BoJack.

This interview's gonna go down smooth, like a 1995 Zinfandel.

You ever try one of those '95 zins?

Good year for Zinfandels.

Bad year for Oklahoma federal buildings.

- M'kay.

- Here's how it's gonna go down.

Red light on the camera goes bloop! I go, "Hey!" You go, "Hey!" I go, "Video?

" You go, "Nah!" I go, "Really?

" You go, "Well" and you roll me through the rigamarole.

- Oh, don't

- Don't forget to plug your show.

Then I go, "Wow.

This has been so illuminating.

Thank you so much.

" Red light goes boo



-boop, we'll be out of here before Traffic.

And, yes, I'm talking about the Stephen Soderbergh movie Traffic.

It's playing on FX tonight, and I'm hoping to catch it.

Love me some Cheadle.

Am I crazy or was she kind of hitting on me?


You guys have a real flirty energy, like Matt Lauer and those magazine cut

-outs he now interviews in his kitchen.

- This should be fun.

- Now that's the spirit! You gotta show me this video.

No, I really don't think that's necessary.

I'll look like an idiot if I don't know what I'm talking about.

Just let me see it.

How bad could it be?

Cut to: "Ooh, it's really bad!" But, no, seriously, can I see it?


- [BoJack grunting in video]

- Hey, wow, look at me go.

- [Princess Carolyn's voice]


- Oh.

Oh! Oh, look out, I'm getting really, um Well, this looks like Yeah.

Because I'm actually Yeah.

Diane! What have you been up to?

Tell me everything.

Actually, I've been working on a book of essays Okay, I was obviously asking to be polite, and it's very rude of you to assume that I care.

I have news that's actually interesting.

Girl Croosh is pivoting to video, and I want you to be the face.

- The face?

- Of the site.

Every woman under 40 will tune in to hear what you have to say.

And possibly women over 40, but we have no way of knowing because they're invisible to our site metrics.

Stefani no.

I don't understand.

My parents never said no to me growing up, so I'm literally incapable of processing it as a concept.

I'm a hypocrite.

I'm miserable and I make other people miserable.

I don't know what I'm doing.

I can't be a trusted news source, or an authority, or a role model for anybody.

Uh, no one called you a "role model.

" Settle down.

- Oh.


- You know what your problem is?

You hold everyone to an impossible standard, including yourself.

It's super helpful for writing hot

-take shakedowns, and clickbait take

-downs, but totally toxic for your personal life and internalized sense of self

-worth, girl.

But shouldn't we be asking more of ourselves

- and of the people in our lives?

- Of course.

But we all fail, Diane.

The world is unforgiving enough as it is.

The least we could do is find ways to forgive each other and ourselves.

Well, then maybe we should be more forgiving in our content, and maybe not publish so many take


Oh, Diane.

- All right, let's bring in the talent.

- [mumbling]

- [gasps]

- Hey, is this a good time to talk?

No, Stuart.

This is a very bad time.

We're about to sh**t the interview.

Oh, sorry, I haven't memorized your schedule.

- You could write it down.

- With what, a quill?

- Okay, Elbridge Gerry.

- What?

Anyway, this lady showed up at the office and she was being super annoying, so I brought her here.

- What lady?


- Hey.

Why aren't you answering your phone?

Why aren't you in North Carolina?

We're having a bit of a PR crisis.

As soon as this is settled I will take the first plane there, but this is just not the best time.

Look, if you can't do this, don't do it.

My mom worked all the time and she never made time for me.

I felt so alone growing up, especially because I never knew my dad or my twin brother because our parents broke up when we were babies, and wouldn't even talk to each other.

Oh, Tracy, I had no idea.

My whole life, all I had was this half of a medallion with part of a family crest on it.

The crest of a family I'll never know.

- Boring.

- Ex

-squeeze me?

Sorry, but your story sucks.

I mean, who wasn't separated from their family as a baby and still wears their half of a medallion in the hopes of one day being reunited with their long

-lost twin?

That exact thing happened to me and you don't see me bitching about it.

- God, get over yourself.

- Get over yourself.

I didn't realize it was a common thing.

Well, obviously it is, so can you get to your point already?

I was getting to it if you'd quit talking already.

My point is, not every woman is supposed to be a mother.

Maybe you'd be happier if you freed yourself from that expectation, and just lived the life you'd clearly rather be living.

Two minutes to air! No, that's not I'm not I can't even deal with this right now.

- You need to leave.

- All right, let's go.

She's in one of her moods.

I still think it's pretty nutty we both have the left half of a medallion.

Like, what are the odds?

Nah, it's a completely different thing with me.

Mine is the right half.

- So

- Oh, okay.


[clears throat]


- Hello, BoJack.

- Are you okay?

You look good.

Yeah, makeup covered the bruises.

- Gina, I'm so sorry.

- Let's just do the interview, okay?

- I'm gonna come clean about everything.

- What?

Everyone needs to know what I did.

- [bell rings]

- [man]

Please get in positions.


Don't do that.

Gina, what I did to you I saw the video and it looked pretty bad.

I'll say it was pretty bad.

- It was as*ault.

- Yeah.

You physically overpowered me, and if there were any justice, you would be in jail right now.

Okay, so But my career, after so many failed attempts, is finally starting to take off.

I am getting offers, and fan mail, and magazine columns about what a good actor I am.

People know me because of my acting.

And all that goes away if I'm just the girl who got choked by BoJack Horseman.

I can't lie about this.

I don't want you to be the most notable thing that ever happened to me.

I don't want you to be the question I get asked in interviews for the rest of my life.

- Gina, I

- You need to do this for me, okay?

Because I just want this to be over.

Can we talk about it, maybe after the interview?


I will be civil to you on set when we have scenes together, but otherwise, I never wanna think about you again.

- Hey, guys, how are we doing?

- So good, Biscuits.

We're so excited to be here, aren't we, BoJack?

- Um, yeah.

- [buzzer blares]

I'm here with BoJack Horseman and Gina Cazador, stars of the hit show Philbert.

Let's cut to the chase.

That video.


Oh, my God, it's so embarrassing.

- This is all a misunderstanding.

- I mean, it's kind of hilarious.

We've actually been laughing about it here on set! [both chuckling]


BoJack looks so angry in the video.

And Gina, you look terrified.

Biscuits, we're actors.

It's what we do.

- Oh, thank God.

- Yep, actors.

Okay, I gotta ask.

Is the story true?

Are you two an item?


Busted! Oh, boy.

Looks like you got your scoop! Can you give us a kiss?

- Uh

- Sure thing.


- What's it like dating your co


- It's so great.

I'll bet sometimes, though, you wanna strangle each other, right?

Oh, you bet!

- [BoJack chuckles]

- [Gina growling]

Okay, you two.

This has been illuminating.

- Thank you so much.

- [bell rings]

- [man]

That's a cut!

- That was amazing.





You wanted to see me, Mr.



I must make love to you.


You mean to my brain, because I have such good ideas.

Thanks for the encouragement.

I never got that at my last job.


Nice boobs.

That's exactly right.

Those guys were nice, but they were total boobs.

Anyway, I'm gonna go review the third quarter budget with our diagnostics team.

- [Henry]

Insufficient power.

- To review the budget?

- [panel beeping]

- [Henry]

Insufficient power.

Are you saying I don't have the authority to do my job?


Now entering sleep mode.

You wanna sleep with me?

That is not a mode I'm comfortable with, Mr.



Please connect to power source! [gasps]

So first, he said I had insufficient power Wow.

Which I have never heard him say to a man.

And then he asked me to "connect" to his "power source.

" Did you feel physically thr*at?

Was there any implication of as*ault?

Not as*ault, but he did make a mention of "low battery".

It is never acceptable to thr*at an employee with battery at any level.

What time is it right now?

For female employees of one popular website, the answer is Sexual Harassment O'Clock! What started with the allegations of one junior executive has quickly snowballed into an avalanche of accusation, as women at every level have come forward with their own harrowing stories of what happens when the big hand meets the little hand.

He said he wanted to "get all up in my guts with his penis and ej*cul*te inside me.

" At the time, I just thought it was typical corporate banter, but now I'm like, uh Look, obviously, men should not be engaging in predatory behavior at the office, but I'm worried now the pendulum's gonna swing too far in the other extreme where they'll be held accountable for that behavior, and that's not ideal.

Uh, Henry Fondle is a sex robot, and he should not be a CEO of any company.


When you say "sex robot," you're speaking metaphorically, right?


The board has taken decisive action to remove Henry Fondle by placing him on an indefinite paid leave.

Meanwhile, we will be scaling back, canceling our slate of streaming series and refocusing on our original mission of being a website you can go to if you don't know what time it is, that also doesn't harass anyone.

This is a great day for the women of this company, many of whom will be laid off.

- [reporters clamoring]

- [camera shutter clicking]

So, you got a call from your dentist; no cavities.

Emily Van Camp wants to move your four o'clock to five.

And also, Todd wanted me to let you know that the network folded, everyone got fired [yawns]

And your show is canceled.

- What?

- It's over.

It's all over.

What are you talking about?

It's not over.

We just have to find our baby another home.

Maybe What Time Is It Right Now is gone, but there are like a billion other websites, right?

What about that website you go to, to pay your parking tickets?

Or if we're really desperate, TNT?

The point is we're just getting started, Princess Carolyn!

- [door grinds]

- Princess Carolyn?

- [phone rings]

- She's gone.

Unless I was Princess Carolyn the whole time.


[in female voice]

Oh, fish! Well, this is it, Henry Fondle.

The end of the line.


Hiya, hotshot.

I've been following your career pretty closely and I like what I see.

How'd you like a corner office at Disney




- Time





- Skynet





Give it to me! Uh, you know this guy just got fired for sexual harassment, right?

Yeah, so he's learned his lesson and he's ready to reenter the workforce.


I have many penises.


You said it, buddy.

Give us a call.

Do you wanna take a ride?

There's something I wanna show you.


Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! [knocking on door]

Oh, hello.

Shouldn't you be out "not really strangling" someone?

The last time I saw you, you said you still believed I could be a better person.

- Do you still believe that?

- I do.

I need you to write one of your take


- About me.

- What?

You can't write anything about Gina, but the other stuff.


I need to get it out.


I'm done writing about you, or for you, or with you.

Diane, please, I need this.

I'm a bad guy and the world needs to know.

There's no such thing as "bad guys" or "good guys.

" We're all just guys who do good stuff sometimes and bad stuff sometimes.

And all we can do is try to do less bad stuff and more good stuff, but you're never going to be good.

Because you're not bad.

So, you need to stop using that as an excuse.

I am asking to be held accountable.

And I'm telling you it's not gonna happen.

Whatever you put in that story, no one is gonna "hold you accountable.

" You need to take responsibility for yourself.

I don't know how to do that! [Diane sighs]

[BoJack grunting]


This is it.

My special thinking spot.


Let us put on a Lionel Richie album, and finger each other's holes.


Henry, no.

There'll be time for that later.


I love it when you call me Father.

That's right.

- [Henry]


- [grunts]


I love you, Fatheeeeeer [powers down]


It's okay.

It's over now.

It's all over.


Oh, man.



[Princess Carolyn chuckles]


She's beautiful.

What are you gonna call her?

Untitled Princess Carolyn Project.

But not really, though, right?

Hey, do you think my cactus is gonna be okay if I'm not there for six weeks?

Yeah, I think your cactus is gonna be okay.

- Is this a mistake?

- No.

Wow, it feels so weird to be eating here.

So, this is what it's like from the other side.

Pickles, I took you here because I wanted you to be somewhere you felt comfortable.

Aw, that's so sweet, Mister.

Because I need to talk to you about something.

Oh, no, this is really bad.

Why would you do this to me?

I didn't tell you what it is.

No one ever "needs to talk" about something good! No one ever says, "I need to talk to you: Happy Birthday" or, "I need to talk to you: Felicity Jones hired a new stylist and her red carpet looks this season are to die for!" Well, good news first: Felicity Jones did hire a new stylist, but sadly, her fashion choices just aren't popping.

Oh, no! This is bad news! Well, thank you for telling me.

That isn't the thing I was going to tell you.

There's more bad news?

Is it worse or not as bad as the Felicity Jones thing?

Well, it's different Whatever it is, we're going to get through it together.

Whatever it is, I love you, and nothing's going to change that.

Nothing you say is going to make me stop loving you, no matter what.

Pickles I What is it?

- [grunts]

Will you marry me?

- [squeals]

What do I say when I go in?

You say, "Hello.

I am BoJack.

Horseman, obviously.

You've probably heard of me.

I'm very famous.

So Sober me up, please!" What if I get sober and I'm still the same awful person I've always been, only more sober?

I think that is a very real possibility.

- Don't be shitty.

- I'm not.

Rehab is not a cure

-all that's gonna suddenly make you not an assh*le.

Then why are we doing this?

Let's turn around and go home.

- You wanna go home?

- Is that okay?

Look, you have two options.

You can go back home and try to do things your way, like you've been doing all your life, or you can see what these guys have to offer.

I don't understand why you're being so nice to me.

After everything you know about me, all the shit I put you through.

When I was in high school, I had this friend.


She was my only friend and we did everything together, until she got adopted by the cool kids and then she turned on me so fast.

She used every secret she knew about me, every vulnerability.

She made me miserable my entire h*m* year.

But then that summer when her mom got sick, like really sick, and all her cool friends were off vacationing in Martha's Vineyard,

- I was there for her.

- Why?

Because I'm an idiot.

And it was Abby.

And I hated her, and I will never forgive her, but she needed me and she was my best friend and I loved her.

And now you're here, and I hate you, but you're my best friend, and you need me.

[inhales, exhales]

You know what you're gonna say?

You wanna practice?

I'm gonna say, "Hello.

I am BoJack Horseman.

Obviously, you know who I am, because I'm very famous, and also we called ahead.

And I am here because I need help.

" [chuckles]

[door opens, closes]

[car door closes]


[music playing]
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