Celebrity Sex Tape (2012)

[bunniefuu]

[Speaking fantasy language]

[Speaking fantasy language]

Seriously, her p*ssy

is, like, falling out.

Someone needs to feed that thing

Before it eats her shorts.

[Speaking fantasy language]

What are you faggots talking about?

No. You must be mistaken.

We're not gay.

You choads were checking

out my ass, weren't you?

I-I-I wasn't.

Well, at least I'm not gay.

f*ck you.

Come on. Stick it in the hole! Yeah!

I got one more.

I got one more.

Bring it.

Bring it, baby.

Bring it, baby.

Bring it, baby.

Push it. Push it.

Let me see you stick it.

Oh, that's such a bulge.

What is that, like, 100 pounds?

No, it's 40.

Oh, okay, I got it.

Come on.

Bring it down.

I got one more.

I got one more.

Let's see that bicep bulge, baby.

Here we go.

Here we go. This is it.

I wanna see your bulge.

I wanna see your bulge.

It's a flex-off.

Oh, my God.

Yeah. You feel that?

Oh!

Oh, man, I felt your bulge.

Oh, God. My sweater's all nasty.

[Clears throat]

What's up?

Yeah, one English lit 435 paper.

The freudian interpretation

of the bell jar.

Yeah, put it...

Put it there.

The football team thanks you

For keeping me on the field.

Our pleasure.

Which is why I went ahead and got you guys

A little token of my gratitude.

Call it something special

For being so contingent.

Yeah.

Uh, consistent.

Yeah, whatever.

[Laughs]

You're gonna love this.

We can pledge next semester?

[Both laugh]

Oh, please. [Laughs]

Oh, lower it down.

Lower it down.

Oh, use my sh*t, bro.

Oh, my God.

That's what bros are for, bro.

You got that much game?

Oh, yeah.

Man, you shave your...

Dude, yeah, man.

Chicks dig it.

Oh, Jesus, that was good.

Oh, my.

Where was I?

You were about to give us

$300 for the homework.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Anyway, I thought, like, this time,

Something instead of money.

No way, man.

We said 300.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hold up, Frodo and Frodette.

Oh, burn!

Oh, yeah!

Anyway, yeah, so I made some calls

And, like, I could get you guys

Into what promises to be...

Wait for it...

The best party of the decade

Tomorrow night.

We're listening.

No, thanks.

Yeah.

No.

No.

Yeah.

Right. Well, maybe you guys have heard

Of the Hollywood f*cking hills.

Anyway, yeah, my boy's working the door,

And I can't go because, uh,

Well, I'm f*cking both of your moms

In the ass.

Oh, burn!

Oh, it burns so good.

Jk, bro, jk.

I mean, this is probably going to be

The most p*ssy there's ever been

In one place guaranteed.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, no B.S., bra.

Thanks for the offer, but we want the money.

The money?

Okay. All right.

Hey, it's your call.

I mean, I just thought maybe you guys,

Like, actually wanted to get laid

And go to a party

Before you graduate...

Or die.

Oh, double burn.

Twice.

Yeah, have fun staying at home

With your whack pack of super nerd shut-ins.

Oh!

Doing whatever, man.

All right.

I'll get the cash.

Wait!

An opportunity like this

Only comes once in a lifetime.

You let him gyp us out of $300.

How's that an opportunity?

It's time we stopped playing video games.

We need to get some tail

physically, not digitally.

We speak elvish, okay?

Nobody even wants to be

In the same time zone as us,

Let alone a Hollywood party.

I'm not going, man.

No way.

Dude, don't take your blue balls out on me

Just because your girlfriend

locked her p*ssy up in fort knox

And gave the key to Jesus.

Shut up, dude.

No, I'm not going alone.

You're going.

Well, then we're not going,

And we're out three bills,

So that's great.

Fine. I'll go with the clan.

The clan?

Yeah, let's see.

Kwan barely speaks English,

Marcus' condition doesn't allow

him to talk to girls,

Doug's restraining order

Canvasses all of Los Angeles.

I'm pretty sure that includes the hills.

Look, I'm sick and tired

Of you moping around all the time.

You need to get laid.

Whatever.

No, no.

Just because my grandma

Has a better sex drive than your girlfriend

Doesn't give you an excuse to be a cock.

Forget about my relationship.

Look, you're either going solo,

Or you're not going at all.

And if you do decide to go,

I'm gonna laugh my ass off

When you get kicked out.

Speak of the devil and she appears.

And in her mormon undergarments, no less.

Shut the f*ck up, man.

No, dude. It's time to draw a line in the sand

Or move on.

Your virginity's not getting any younger.

You gonna finally have the talk?

I've been trying.

Hey!

Hello, Ed.

Hey.

Loser.

Goodbye, Ed.

[Speaking fantasy language]

Yeah.

So I was wondering.

Maybe we could go to nona's tonight

And hang out with their youth group for a while.

I don't know, Kim.

What do you not know about?

I think just maybe we should talk.

Okay. What's the matter?

The same thing that's been the matter

For the past three and a half years.

The sex thing again?

Look, I know it's a broken record.

It's just, I have to...

I have to lay down the law.

The law?

I don't wanna go through college a virgin.

You know what?

Just go back to your p*rn stars

and your hand lotion.

Leave Emily Addison out of this.

Ross, just met me at youth group tonight.

Arghhhh!

Okay.

Maybe after, we could do some

under the clothes touching?

If you're good.

All right.

See you later.

f*ck!

Hey, get to work.

I'm not paying you $4.99 a minute

Just to get to know you better.

Hey, Doug, f*ck you, okay?

If you weren't our webmaster.

You'd probably be working at

a drive-through somewhere.

Burger boy.

Hey, there is nothing in the law

That says I cannot spend

money where I work.

Now suck titty.

Okay, ladies, let's slay us a dragon.

Kwan, sign on.

Kwan-ho, let's go.

Ed: Marcus?

Artemis at the ready.

Let's go.

Look, I know I helped your ass-burgers

To get into character, Balakas,

But lay off the R.P.

Hey, no, no, no.

What are you doing?

You're pro.

You don't need me to talk you through this.

f*cking Doug.

Seriously, after the game, dude.

Look, my d*ck needs attention.

Fat ass.

Oh, you wanna play?

I can do that.

Time for a raid.

sh*t.

Take that, bitch!

[Girls laughing]

Marcus!

Hear me! Hear me!

Hear you? Aye.

Yeah!

Aah! Ha ha ha!

Douglas J.K.

That was hella funny.

Whoo! And I recorded that sh*t, too.

Upload. That's gonna get

so many f*cking views.

f*ck this! I'm gonna kick

your fat f*cking ass.

Ladies, I just did an epic raid.

Let's do this.

Is it b*ating fast for you, Gina?

Oh, yes, it is.

Get out here, snack boy.

You're about to get a long overdue ass-whupping.

Oh!

Oh!

That fat ass will jerk off forever.

Lick my d*ck.

Yes, lick kwan's penis, you d*ck.

[Speaking fantasy language]

No.

No.

You know, he's like your little brother

That, like, never gets laid, you know?

Oh... Oh...

Hey, what the f*ck?

You're on the clock.

Not cool.

You should never intentionally wipe a raid.

I'm gonna report you to buck.

I'm the best webmaster

That the p*rn's got.

You gotta be nice to me.

By the way, funboy,

Buck said that you better get

current on your bill

Or he's gonna fire your ass.

The last time buck fired someone,

He literally fired a sh*t at them.

At their ass.

Log out.

Hey, guys?

Guys?

Guys? Look, I'm just f*cking around, guys.

Come on.

p*rn's off. Let's go.

Guys?

Damn that sh*t.

Whoo!

Whoo!

Play it cool, guys.

[Speaking broken English]

What was I thinking?

We don't belong here.

Marcus, need a drink, man?

What do I do to get one?

Turn around.

Ask the waitress.

Waitress: What can I get you?

You don't need to get me anything,

I don't think.

Wait, maybe you do.

He'll have a Jack and coke.

Maybe we should split up.

We won't attract as much attention.

Good idea.

The museum.

Come on.

I got enough data stored in my spank bank

To jerk off for the next four years.

Are you blind?

We gotta get out of here.

They know we're not supposed to be here.

We're gonna get our asses kicked.

I'm f*cking one of these

chicks tonight. You watch.

Get it through your head, Ed.

No chicks are gonna touch us.

[Footsteps]

She's not wearing any underwear.

I know.

Oh. [Giggles]

Oh, God.

She's doing coke.

[Snorts]

What does she want?

Oh, sh*t.

You scared me.

How did you get in here?

Oh, I, uh...

[Laughs]

It's okay, darling.

Listen, you kind of caught me

white handed here,

So you know what that means.

I'll give you a little bump.

No, thanks. I...

Come on. It's good.

Wait a minute. Wait.

You're mellony Adams.

You were in thunder run 3.

Holy sh*t.

[Laughs]

That piece of sh*t?

Oh, my God.

You k*lled my sister.

And now you have to...

[Together]

Face my wrath!

Best catch phrase ever. Yeah!

God, what...

No, no, no, no.

Listen, you try to be typecast at my age,

And you take every fricking loathing line

And you try to make it

into this... Something.

Except... Except...

For these lines.

[Laughs]

Oh, man.

Whoo! Damn!

Whoo-hoo!

Try it.

It's really good.

Whoo!

It's so good,

It make you wanna move, doesn't it? Whoo!

No, it hurts.

[Laughs]

Listen, what's your name?

Ed.

Oh, yeah? Ed?

I know we just met, Ed,

But would you like to drink

A little champagne with me?

Whoo! Yeah!

You don't belong here, assh*le.

I beg your pardon?

He's talking to you, poindexter.

Look, we're gonna throw you the f*ck out

Unless you do something for us.

Like what?

Kind of hot in here, though.

I think I'm overdressed.

Ed, could you help me with that, please?

Oh, that's no problem.

No problem.

Here we go.

Wow, my friends are never

gonna believe I did this.

This is f*cking insane.

Well, it's good to get a little

crazy sometimes, darling.

Yeah. This may be a little off subject,

But you haven't heard of any

of those new cell phones

That have cameras and record videos.

I don't know.

I must have one.

Oh, shut up and grab my rocking tits.

That's what I call a catch phrase.

Whoo!

Whoa!

Whoo! [Giggles]

This is gonna be fun.

See that sizzling hot

blonde chick over there?

The one next to that huge MMA

looking m*therf*cker.

Affirmative.

Here's what you're gonna do.

You're gonna walk your

puny little ass over there,

And you're gonna ask her,

Can I get all up in that labe?

Labe? Are you referring

To that lady's labia majora?

Hey, we call it labe for short.

Kwan.

Oh, yes!

Yes, right there.

Oh! Oh, yes.

Holy sh*t, you better be recording this.

What?

Nothing.

[Moaning]

Oh, yes, Ed.

Teach my p*ssy.

Sex me, Ed.

Sex-Ed.

Teach my p*ssy.

Yeah!

you know you gals, you kind of sexy

don't let no man tell you

that you ain't nothing

they're trying to abuse you

and make you feel like...

you can do way, way better than that

you can do way, way...

Oh, man, Ron's gonna f*ck that kid up.

No doubt.

Um... Hello. Hi.

Um, those gentlemen over there

Are asking me to ask you, um...

If I could get up in your labe.

Excuse me?

If I could get up in your labe.

But I think they were referring

to you labia majora

Or the fold of skin on the

outsides of your vag*na

Encasing the vulva.

Oh, my f*cking God.

Ron, did you hear

What he was just telling me?

What's up, babe?

What?

Aah!

from there, you can do

way, way better than that

you can do way, way better than that

Pshht.

What a d*ck.

m*therf*cker!

sh*t, is that Mellony Adams?

Aah!

Oh, my God.

I f*cked Mellony Adams,

And I have proof.

Best night of my f*cking life.

Oh, my God. Wait until Doug hears about this.

Roll up the window, man.

What are you doing?

Oh, my God. Marcus needs to go to a hospital.

You okay?

Did I get to see her labia?

[Speaking broken English]

I deem the knockout to be worth it.

Dudes, we hung out with actual girls.

I'm glad you're okay.

He's okay.

He's okay. Whoo!

Best 300 bucks we've ever spent.

Epic win!

Epic win!

Epic won.

me and my wang

just hanging out on the porch

drinking a beer

hand down my pants and doing my thing

I'm drinking a beer and playing with my wang

whoo hoo-hoo hoo-hoo-hoo

[Imitating guitar solo]

Oh, where the f*ck you guys go?

Oh, nowhere,

Except the most epic party in history.

Bam! Go ahead.

Take a look.

Wait. Is that...

Is that...

Mm-hmm.

Mellony m*therf*cking Adams.

Maybe you've seen her before

in every movie ever made.

I hope you enjoyed your masturbatory evening

In solitude, Douglas.

Okay, f*ck you guys.

Why didn't you invite me?

Next time don't ruin our raid.

Maybe you'll get an invite.

Oh, I've gotta go to sleep.

I think I have a concussion,

And I'm extremely inebriated.

Me, too.

Good night, d*ck.

All right, you guys got me.

I'm a douchebag.

I'm sorry...

That you forgot your f*cking phone.

Oh!

You know, it'd be a g*dd*mn shame

If this video were to somehow make its way

To the worldwide web.

Holy f*cking sh*t. Did

last night really happen?

Yes, it really happened.

I boned Mellony Adams?

Yep.

And Kwan was there, too?

I'm trying to eat.

Yep. I got it all on my phone.

Look, you guys can watch it back

a million times if you want,

But it has to stay between us, okay?

We can get into a shitstorm of trouble

If anybody sees it.

f*ck that. I want the world to

know what a stud I am.

I boned Mellony Adams.

It doesn't get any non-gayer than that.

I'd rather bang Halle Berry.

Britney! Britney!

Or Eva Mendez.

Emily Addison.

You guys are just jealous

that I dabbled the dipstick

In some Hollywood cream-sashine.

Okay, Ed, come on.

Seriously.

Think about it, okay?

We only got into that party

Because of Delaney's buddy.

We weren't really invited,

So technically we can get arrested

for trespassing.

Not to mention, we kind of filmed

a sex tape without consent,

So there's always that.

What good is bonking a babe

If I can't tell anybody?

It's enough that we know, right?

Oh, my God.

It is you. Sex-ed.

Oh, my God.

And you're Kwan-zai.

Oh, and you poor baby.

Got your jaw broken

Without having any of the fun.

Actually, it's just a contusion

of the zygomatic bone

With some secondary bruising

on the left mandible.

Whatever. [Laughs]

Well, we look forward

To seeing more of you in action, stud.

Come on.

All: f*cking Doug!

Hey! Hey! Hey, dude.

Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey, you!

Hey, sweetie.

What the heck, Ross?

You don't answer my texts now?

When? Oh, Nona's.

Yeah, Nona's I waited there for two hours

Looking like a jerk.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Let's do it tonight.

I have study group.

I promise I'll make it up to

you sometime, okay?

Num-num!

Bye.

Num-num.

Dude, no one turns me away like that.

Dude.

You wanna try it again?

Yeah, let's get back.

Oh, man, did you moisturize this morning?

Yeah, every morning.

Of course I did.

[Moaning]

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Tickle, tickle, tickle.

Hold up. Hold up.

Doug, bend over so I can

burn your f*cking balls.

Oh, hey! Hey, man!

She was about to stick her

whole foot in her mouth.

You get on that p*rn site right now

And take down that video.

I don't know what you're talking about.

You post last night's sexcapade

On a f*cking p*rn site you work for.

[Clapping]

You figure that all out by yourself, Sherlock?

But once again, you're only half right.

You see, a video of that great quality

Deserves its own website

So that everyone can see it in all its glory,

And I would hate to deprive people

Of that now. [Laughs]

I'm gonna shove that mouse

right down your f*cking piehole

If you don't take it down right now.

I'm afraid you douchebags

are a little too late.

Check it out.

You're an overnight celebrity, my friend.

Over three and a half million

hits and counting.

Holy sh*t. Awesome!

No, not awesome.

Take it down!

Okay.

That's it.

Get rid of this.

No, no, no. I'm never gonna

get that kind of p*ssy again.

Guys. Guys. Guys!

The God damn cat's out of the bag.

This thing is viral.

[Knock on door]

Hey, must be some of my fan club.

Answer it, Marcus.

Got to let them come to me.

Like that, Satchmo?

'Cause Vinny here,

He can serve up sex real quick.

All right, everybody over here now.

Sit down. Come on.

Sit down!

Hmm.

I don't know, Danny.

Which one do you think is the mastermind?

It sure as hell ain't Jackie

Robinson over here.

Or jabba the Hut.

Or Wang Chung.

Maybe...

Just maybe...

It's the little prick who f*cked my client

On the Internet.

Maybe...

Just maybe...

The prick didn't know that f*cking my client

Was like you're f*cking me!

You all right?

You sure?

Where are my manners?

Huh?

Was I raised in the woods?

Mm-mmm.

No.

Well...

Let me introduce myself.

I'm Benny Silva.

I'm a talent manager,

And my client is Mellony Adams.

You had sex with her against her will,

Recorded it and put it on the Internet.

It wasn't against her will.

She totally wanted my rod.

No speaking out of turn.

Shut the f*ck up!

I could have all of you

arrested for trespassing,

Making p*rn against

the will of my client,

Defamation.

The list goes on and on.

Hey, man, it was them.

I had nothing to do with it.

I wasn't even there.

Come on, brother.

I had nothing to do with it...

Shut up!

Then why was it uploaded

From your f*cking computer?

[Squeals]

Nobody likes a snitch.

And I sure as hell don't want to see

A group of fine young men like yourselves...

Going to jail.

So that's why I'm offering you

Another option.

Whatever it is, we'll take it. Anything.

You are going to pay me

a half a million dollars

In the next 30 days.

Or you're going to end up

A bunch of pretty little

jailhouse b*tches,

Dead in a ditch,

Or both.

[Urinating]

Accidents happen.

Oh, God, we're so f*cked.

It's not so bad.

I mean, half a million sounds like a lot,

But there's five of us.

We could donate blood.

Or a kidney.

Black market kidneys

Sell for an average of $20,000.

Unless you got 20 extra kidneys stashed away,

That ain't gonna work.

We could rob a bank.

Rob a bank to not go to jail.

Yeah, that's brilliant.

Yeah, hey, at least I'm coming

up with ideas here.

It's your great ideas that got

us into this in the first place.

You could have stayed at home

with your girlfriend

And not had sex again.

No, f*ck you.

f*ck you.

No, f*ck Kwan.

Actually, I'm the one getting

screwed here.

I'm just saying.

Technically, I've sustained

the most serious injuries.

Shut up. Everyone shut up please.

Damn, if we were chicks,

We could strip our way to a

half million no problem.

I'd make extra 'cause I

wouldn't shave my bush.

What? It's a great way to half a mil.

Why not just go all the way and make a p*rn?

You could star in hot and hairy volume 69.

That's it!

[Chuckles] 69.

You gonna grow a vag*na?

No, dude,

We can't strip our way to a half million,

But we can screw our way to it.

We've just got to make more sex tapes.

That's the complete opposite

Of what we should do.

Dude, dude, all we have to do

Is find some willing has-been celebrities

And convince them to have sex on camera.

It's insane exposure.

All anyone's been talking about all day

Is Mellony Adams.

Just the pervs on campus, man.

Not actually.

I mean, she's trending pretty hard.

Top five searches on the Internet.

Okay. Why can't they just make

their own tapes?

I mean, why would they need us?

'Cause we've got a proven track record.

Our video has...

17 million.

17 million hits.

Think about it.

Exposure.

I don't know.

Doug can set up the websites.

We'll watch the cash roll in.

I just...

You got any better ideas?

I didn't think so.

Where can we find a chick

That's desperate enough

To bang her way back to fame?

I know of a venue that will have

Several of those female individuals

in attendance currently.

There's Shelby Jones.

She played a Valkyrie Berserker

On blood and breath swords,

Seasons two through five.

Dude, I'll totally Rragnarok her world.

Hi, Mrs. Jones.

I really like it in episode 312

When you beheaded the evil hydro

After drinking the invincibility potion.

Thanks, kid.

So you want an autograph or...

Oh, will you have sexual intercourse

With my friend Ed and allow us to videotape it

So that we can make money and

pay off someone who's blackmailing us?

Christ. You little shits get

weirder every year.

Sorry, sorry.

He's just joking.

He's just acting out a scene

in episode 478.

You know, when the evil prince comes...

That's crazy.

There's no episode...

[Coughs] Shut up.

It'll be a tremendous for your career.

Just let Ed and I do it, okay?

You got to find the right chick,

One who's washed up.

Desperate, but still kind of hot.

Someone with a bit of a sexy background.

Forget it, man.

This isn't going to work.

Let's just go pack for jail.

Bingo!

[Chuckles]

Jillian Baines.

Lieutenant Commander Zolara

On orient five seasons one through four.

Zolara was a completely realistic android

With six times the intensity

of normal human strength

And telescopic vision.

She d*ed saving the starship hyperion

From a quantum singularity.

Fascinating.

I've heard about her.

The show's creators k*lled her character off

After some nude photos of her surfaced...

Which I still own, by the way...

Plus she is a total drunk.

Never showed up to the set on time.

Ahh... Yeah.

What are you doing?

Excuse me?

Look at all these dried up old hags

Trying to cling to the last bit of money

They can make for a job they

did 10 years ago.

But you...

You're in your prime.

You just need the right opportunity.

Are you trying to sell something?

Because I can call security, all right?

You got to register three weeks in advance

If you wanna be a vendor here.

The only thing I'm trying to sell you

Is a chance to reinvigorate your career.

Do you have an Uncle

That's the head of a studio or something?

Better. I'm the studio, the agent,

And the costar.

You ever heard of a little thing

called the Internet?

Are you Ret*rded?

Like a fox.

Did you see that little video

With Mellony Adams?

Yeah. It's blowing up everywhere.

It's on TMZ, Entertainment Tonight, Extra.

Everybody's talking about it.

I would k*ll for that kind of coverage.

You don't have to k*ll.

I'm the guy in that video.

You?

Me.

You know they're calling you

Sex-Ed on the blogs.

Oh, yeah.

So you're offering...

A refresher course.

Hmm.

All right, I'll f*ck you.

[Chuckles]

But it's gonna take a lot of liquid courage.

Show's over.

Aw, damn it. It's not the right mount.

Tripod sh*ts are 75% steadier than handheld,

And that number goes up to 350%

For sh*ts zoomed in more than four times.

Shut up.

Get the lube.

Ooh.

You know, if Ed can't do

this whole thing by himself.

I can always jump in and take over, you know.

Sorry, fat-ass.

This is a one-man show.

Just get the website together, okay?

All right, come on, guys.

She's gonna be here any second.

Let's go.

Hello.

So...

Who wants to f*ck the hottest

robot in this quadrant? Huh?

Huh? You?

Ooh.

Somebody's ready to launch.

Over here.

Over here!

Oh, yes.

There's my stud.

So you gonna f*ck me like Mellony?

Are you?

Hell, yeah.

Action!

I don't wanna film this.

sh**t, sh**t, sh**t.

My mission is to find out what happens

When you stick your probe balls deep.

[Laughs]

Party time, space girl.

Yeah. Huh?

Okay.

[Laughs] Ooh, robot on robot sex

Is hot and heavy.

Oh, yeah, baby. Ooh.

I was sent to study

The sexual reproduction rituals

Of your species.

Huh? I'm a f*cking android.

I don't have a species.

Excuse me, but technically speaking,

Androids can build other androids

And therefore be classified as a species.

Get out of the sh*t.

All right. All right.

Where was I?

Oh, yeah.

I was about to insert

My hard disk into your v-drive unit.

[Moaning]

Oh, God. [Chuckles]

Next mission, you're gonna drill for oil

On the moon. [Laughs]

Negative. Negative.

Negative.

No, no. We are going to stick

to cave exploration

On this expedition.

Fine. Yeah, give it to me.

[Moaning]

You've penetrated.

You've penetrated my force field.

You're gonna have to make a direct hit

To make me cum. Yeah.

Stay on target.

Stay on target.

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Ohh...

Oh, God. Look at the size of that thing.

Kwan-zai!

[Splat]

Hey, Ross, it's Kim.

Uh, just calling to say hello.

So where have you been, silly goose?

I've just, you know, been

worried sick about you,

And, um... All right, well,

just call me

When you're not too busy, I guess.

Bye.

Arghhhh!

Holy f*cking sh*t.

Up to 17 million hits in only three days.

Unbelievable.

Taking into account the exponential

nature of these videos

With a minimal coefficient of 16.3,

And now with two videos,

If you refresh the screen,

We should have 17,274,000 hits now.

That mans with the advertising revenue

Growing at a rate of 14.43 per 300k,

That we will be able to

come up with the money.

We just need to keep producing videos.

We need to find some new girls.

Where do we go to find them?

Uh, guys.

I don't think that's gonna be a problem.

[Laughs]

We need to hang out more, Ross.

I feel like I haven't seen you in forever.

Yeah, I know.

I've just been really busy

With studying, school, and stuff,

you know.

Yeah, well, you should come to

my study group.

I think it would really

help you concentrate.

Like, I really don't see

how you get anything done

Living in that house with a bunch of losers.

Ross?

Ross?

Have you heard anything I just said?

Huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Studying.

We can do that sometime.

Yeah, look, I gotta get back to work...

Uh, studying for work.

Okay.

I gotta go, okay?

Bye.

Yeah.

Uh, Ross?

Isn't it that way?

Yeah. [Laughs]

Guess so.

Thank you.

Okay, so who's up to bat?

Former reality TV personality Debbie Ballard.

She's the one that ate that bull cock

To win a challenge.

Sorry, kwan. She's actually

got a special request.

Nope. Black.

Classic mud shark.

Marcus.

I can't.

Sure, you can.

It's easy.

In, out, in, out, in, out.

I can't do it.

It's gonna be outside,

So it'll help you with your

claustrophobia.

We're actually going for some

better production value.

Seriously, I don't think I can.

You can and you will.

Okay.

Okay.

Good.

Better dust off your cock, Knave.

You're on deck.

No, not happening.

No way.

Yes way.

You know how much money we'd make

If you lost your cherry on camera?

Virgins are big business, dude.

Like, I don't care.

Look, I don't mind helping you guys out,

But I will never, ever

have sex on camera, okay?

Shut the f*ck up, you two.

We're gonna be late for Marcus' scene.

It's time to build the course.

[Gulp]

[Whistle]

Challenger, in order to win this,

You must up that bucket with water.

That doesn't sound hard.

You have 30 seconds

While I sh**t at you with a paintball g*n.

Go!

Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Oh, God!

Move it, you loser.

I'm coming.

Move it!

I'm coming. Oh, God.

I'm coming.

Come on!

Come on, you p*ssy!

Hey!

I'm coming.

I'm coming.

Four!

One!

You did it!

[Panting]

Come claim your prize.

Okay.

Time to go head first.

Yeah!

Whoa.

That's it.

Munch away, brother.

Like mashed potatoes and gravy.

Oh! Oh, yeah.

[Gasping]

I can't breathe.

My p*ssy's got all the oxygen you need.

Actually, there's only 6.8 ounces of oxygen

In the average vag*na.

That would last a man my size

About 12 uninterrupted

minutes theoretically.

Shut up!

Yeah! Yeah!

Aah! I'm gonna blow!

What?

I'm a squirter. Yeah!

[Splat]

Aah! Aah!

Aah!

My inhaler.

My inhaler.

My inhaler.

So is she.

[Groaning]

My inhaler!

Oh, my God.

That's that guy.

That's Ed.

I heard he boned Raven Simone.

Yeah?

Yeah.

And tea-bagged Meg Ryan.

f*ck, yeah.

[Laughs]

I mean, you got to make sure to moisturize.

It's the most important thing.

Dude, I only use lotion

for when I masturbate.

Dude, you're not even capitalizing

On what lotion can do.

I mean, dude, check out my muscles.

Let me get some of that.

Get some.

Get on that.

Why would you even be waiting on anything?

I mean, just do it.

Right?

So soft and...

Ed!

Ed, dude!

What's up, brah?

Come here.

Yeah, bring it in, Ed.

Bring it in.

Yeah, what's...

Hey. Oh, dude,

You should come by the house tonight.

Oh, man, it's going to be a rager.

Oh, man, we're gonna have kegs,

dr*gs. [Laughs]

Sluts. Sluts.

Definitely sluts.

All right,

Who's the next contestant on

"f*ck me famous"?

We're still getting a sh*t ton

of f*cking emails.

I just got one from a Liz Cooper.

Liz Cooper played Coach Shearson

In seasons two and three of Hoops High.

Okay.

Uh, Katie Mayer.

Katie Mayer played Janey the secretary

On the first season of Chicago Sons.

Holy sh*t.

She just sent us a nice little

photo of herself here.

Look at that ass.

Marcus!

Ross?

Asperger.

Uh, Marcus?

You're acting really weird today.

Did you take your medicine?

What, nothin'.

Oh, hi.

Hey, babe, what's going on?

Hi.

Uh, what's going on here, Ross?

Oh, just hangin' out.

Bein' dudes.

Looking at dirty p*rn on the Internet.

[Laughter]

Jk, no we're not.

We're playing card games and such.

[Laughs]

Oh, well, well.

What have we here?

Looks like our friend Jillian Bane

Just got a series regular gig

on the new CSI: Jersey.

She's going to be playing

A junkie hooker-slash-police informant.

Huh. Wow.

She went from not working

for the past six years

To getting a series regular

gig on a big network show.

Wonder what caused that, Ross.

What?

I wouldn't know.

I don't know.

Yeah, um...

Ross, can I talk to you outside?

Of course.

d*ck.

Hey, if I'm not getting laid, nobody is.

So, uh, what's going on?

You're not answering my texts,

Your phone goes straight to voicemail.

I mean, if I didn't know any better,

It's like you're trying to avoid me.

No. I'm not...

I don't know.

I've just been really busy with, you know,

School and studying and other stuff.

But, hey,

You know you're the most

important thing to me, right?

Right?

I'm sorry I've been a bit distant lately.

Um, I was on the hill just

now and I saw Ed,

And, you know, palling around

With, um, Delaney Mulroy and, um...

Anyways, he gave me a letter for you,

Told me to give it to you.

Really?

Ed: "Ross dog, sex ed here.

"I'm taking a little vacation

from f*cking on camera.

"Me and Delaney are going to slay

"Some sorority gash all weekend.

"But the show must go on.

"We've only got 200k left to make.

"So make sure to sh**t a few videos.

"Man up, brah!

Sex Ed, out."

Oh, f*ck.

Hey, watch your language.

Sorry.

Hey, I'm gonna skip my third

period psych class.

Do you want to go grab a bite to eat?

Yes.

f*ck, yeah.

Me, too.

I'm starving.

Get some. Get some.

Yeah.

Come on, dawg.

k*ll it.

I can do this.

I'm the game master.

I got this.

Oh, come on.

[All three talking]

Hi, guys.

Is now a good time?

Well, can't you see that I am bus...

[Laughs]

Ahh.

Well...

Hi.

Ohh.

Isn't this special? Huh.

We got the whole f*cking band here.

Ross and the skid marks.

Now, you...

Got some really big, hairy balls.

To keep taking advantage

Of those desperate girls on videotape.

No, no, no, Danny.

Uh, "Mr. Silver."

Mr. Silver, look, they...

They're contacting us, okay?

We've got all these low-rent

actresses emailing us.

[Laughing] Now, Mr. Silver, he's lying,

Your majesty.

I saw Ross talk to a girl. I did.

Jillian Banes at the comic convention.

I know. I know.

Now, that drunk bitch's career

ended years ago.

She was already dead in the water.

Nobody was ever going to

cast her again in anything.

Not until the whole world sees

Her getting her cyborg bush plowed online.

It's kind of weird, I know.

Mmm...

So that's why you sh*t stains

Are going to keep making your

videos with my new clients.

[Laughing]

Oh, there's no need to worry, fellas,

There's enough to go around, okay?

Yes.

And the muff scuba diver,

You're going to get another chance.

[Laughing]

Ichiro,

Get ready to get back in the game, son.

And even your dungeon master's

high-cholesterol ass

Is getting on the p*ssy treadmill.

What does that even mean?

Oh, yeah.

And your cameraman,

He'll have to dip his wick, too.

That's a f*cking promise.

The chat room trolls

Are suckers for lily white virgins.

Ross?

Oh, now, what do we have here?

Hi. Kim.

Mmm. I'm Ross' old friend, Danny.

You're very, very attractive.

Are you an actress?

No.

Have you done any acting, uh...

Online?

Look, that's enough.

Oh, she's more than enough.

I'd really love to stay and chat a while,

But I must get going.

Kim, huh?

I'll be in touch.

You start tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

Start what?

What? Uh...

What was that?

Uh, we don't really know him.

He's just one of Ed's friends.

He seems like a real slime ball.

Okay, can we go eat now?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, okay.

Holy sh*t, man.

Was he for real?

He's trying to Jack us

for our f*cking sex tapes.

With his own docket of

unemployed entertainers.

This could be bad.

Never thought I'd say this, guys,

But I think we need Ed back.

Guys,

I peed my pants again.

She's here.

Who is it?

It's Meg Lingbren,

The actress that played Natalie Bernard

On the show Sin City P.D.

Oh, yeah.

I remember that show.

Holy sh*t.

Oh, my God, is it that showgirl?

Uh, no.

The hot detective?

No.

What?

Who is...

It's not the...

It's the chief.

How's it goin'?

So, which one of you boys

is gonna f*ck me?

Answer, answer.

Ed, answer, answer, answer.

[Frat boys chanting]

Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed!

[Cell phone ringing]

Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed!

Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed!

Sex Ed's phone!

Ross: Ed!

No, no, no, this is Delaney!

This is Delaney!

Sex Ed's busy pounding some brew dogs!

Put him on the phone, Delaney!

It's important!

All right, all right.

sh*t!

There's only one thing to do, guys.

What?

Put 'em up.

Okay.

One, two, three.

Oh! God damn it!

Okay, okay, okay.

One, two, three.

m*therf*cker.

Yeah, okay.

One, two, three.

Yes.

Take all the time you need, man.

It's okay.

It's all right.

[Somber music playing]

Son, it must be late there.

What's the matter?

They're with you always in your heart.

Through the most troubling times.

Kwan.

[Thud]

[Slow-motion shout]

[Shouts]

It's our biggest hit yet.

I guess people like seeing you

have giant knee-sh**t jugs

Block out the sun.

This isn't cool, man.

I mean, look at kwan.

Now, we've gotta call the cops.

Impossible. Marcus, how much are we short?

$171,453.44.

We f*cked our way into the tunnel,

And now we can see some light.

Yeah, whatever you say, Sex Ed.

What's that supposed to mean?

[Boing]

Wait. D-bag Silver just emailed us.

We got another client.

Who is it?

Oh, this should be interesting.

Says here plushy fetish.

I got this.

Yeah, yeah totally.

Show us how it's done, Sex Ed.

I will, virgin.

f*ck me, bucky!

f*ck me!

Yeah! Yeah, d*ck me, Bucky.

d*ck me, d*ck me!

I'm gonna d*ck you!

Bucky, f*ck me!

Oh, she's got some serious issues.

She played cheerleader Abby Collins

On Lakeway Heights for six seasons.

After the show was canceled,

she played another cheerleader,

Darcy Cummings, on Thousand

Palms for four seasons.

Yeah, I love it when you talk

dirty to me.

Talk dirty to me.

Okay, um...

You like bucky, bitch?

No!

No?

No, say it like Bucky.

Say it like Bucky.

[High-pitched voice]

You like Bucky, bitch?

No, chirp like a chipmunk!

Chirp, m*therf*cker!

Chirp!

[Chirping]

Yeah! Yeah!

[Laughing]

Dude.

[Both laugh]

Yeah!

f*ck me, Bucky.

[Knock on door]

f*ck me! Yeah!

Yeah, d*ck me, Bucky!

d*ck me! d*ck me!

[Gasps]

Ross, Kim's at the door.

Ross, Kim's at the door!

Cover for me.

What?

I'm not here.

No.

All right, get going.

Hey, guys.

Hi, Kimberly.

Where's, uh...

What happened to you?

Okay, whatever.

Where's Ross?

He's not here right now in this room.

Not right now.

We'll tell him you stopped by.

What are you wearing?

Black people clothes.

[Girl moaning]

What was that?

We are performing a live action

role playing exercise.

Yeah. [Chirping]

[Both chirping]

Okay, okay, you guys have fun.

Tell Ross to call me.

Okay.

Bye.

Oh, God, I almost had a f*cking

heart att*ck.

[Laughing]

Dude, brah!

Oh, man.

Way to pound it, Sex Ed.

Yeah.

What a freak.

And I think I almost threw my

back out, too.

What's wrong with you?

Oh, my God. Kim almost busted us, man.

Oh, my God.

If she would've known I was in here,

She'd have grabbed a Kn*fe

and k*lled us all.

She would have.

Hey, there, chirpy chippers.

Where the hell do you think you're going?

I wasn't done with you.

Sorry, babe.

This squirrel's busted

his last nut for the night.

You're a g*dd*mn chipmunk,

not a squirrel.

Hey, babe!

Oh! I've missed you.

So you're here.

Give me a kiss, num nums.

How you doing?

So you're here.

Yeah.

Um, I was just...

I was coming back 'cause I

want to give you a note.

Well, I'm here now.

You can just tell me what it says.

Well, no. I think you'd

really like what's in it.

Oh.

Yeah.

Okay.

[Laughs]

Oh. Oh, it...

Yeah.

Yeah?

You know, I think it's about time.

Yeah?

Yeah, me... me, too.

Look really, me, too. I...

But not now.

Like, not here, I mean...

Maybe somewhere special...

Hey, Ross, you want

to be my sex chipmunk?

Oh, hi. I'm Mandy,

And I love girl-on-girl.

I don't know her.

I don't know her.

Really? Kim!

What's her problem?

Atten hut!

Ten hut, general Dougie, sir.

At ease, ladies.

Now drop and give me 69.

Oh, yes general Dougie, sir.

Right after I examine

corporal Gina here

For any detonative devices.

Corporal Gina,

Are you hiding any illicit contraband?

No, sir! Ma'am.

[Laughs]

I think you have to be court-martialed

For bad, bad, bad behavior!

Oh, yeah. Let me pull out my soldier.

[Laughs]

Aah!

Oh. Oh.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

No other male soldiers in this,

all right?

Don't ask. Don't tell.

God damn it, Doug, I'm

cutting off your credit.

Buck.

Hi, sir.

God damn it.

You owe me $7,000 worth

of Jack-off time.

I'm not gonna extend no more

credit to you, boy.

Buck, I'm good for it.

Oh, I know you are.

In fact, I got a little

proposition for you.

Lexa, Gina...

[Laughs]

Get on out of here.

Aw!

Bye, Dougie.

I've seen your website.

I know what you're doing.

The one thing I don't understand, though,

And your deal memo stipulates

that anything you do

In terms of content producing

Belongs to me along with all assets.

What?

Yep. I want a piece of the action.

Doug, I'm willing to let all this slide

If you just partner with me

on a little side project.

I'm listening.

I wanna do a live, pay-per-view,

Internet f*ck fest

With that young virgin, Ross.

One night, one hump,

$1 million.

Buck, I don't know if he will.

He's a p*ssy.

He's scared to f*ck on camera.

Every single one of your movies

Has over 25 million views.

If we can get that young,

sweet, virgin boy

To pop his cherry and sell

the live stream for $5.00 a pop,

That's a whole bunch of clams.

I think you can do the math.

Okay, buck, let me get back to

you on that.

Oh, and, buck?

Can you please put Lexa and Gina back on?

I mean I've already gotten started.

I gotta finish up.

You f*cking pervert!

Thanks, Buck.

Now where were we, ladies?

[Knock on door, dialing cell phone]

Ed: Open up, brah! Come on!

Go away!

[Line ringing]

You've gotta talk to me, home slice.

You're always the problem, Ed.

You're talking crazy.

Just let me in.

[Cell phone rings]

Come on, man.

She was bound to find out

what you were doing.

[Bottle clanks in sink]

Yeah, but I wanted to explain

it to her myself, man,

When the time was right.

When's the time right to tell

your girlfriend

That you're making p*rn videos

To pay off a psychopath?

You mean tell her that you

are making p*rn videos.

Look I may be the star,

But we're in this together, brother.

No. No, you dragged me into this sh*t.

Now she's gone.

Maybe that's a good thing.

What?

Look, Kim's a nice girl.

Too nice.

She's held your cock hostage

for four years.

Maybe secretly you wanted to get caught.

Now you're free.

Being free sucks.

You just gotta give it a try.

No. I want her back.

You're too much of a g*dd*mn p*ssy!

I give up.

It's too much work.

You ever stop to think if I

wanted your help, Ed? Huh?

You ever think that maybe some

of us are happy the way we are?

Some of us don't have to go

around showing off

Every single second of our lives,

'Cause we don't actually hate ourselves.

f*ck you.

You're jealous.

Jealous of what, Ed?

Jealous of you f*cking drunk sleazebags

And chicks who are borderline Ret*rded?

Yes! Exactly.

God, dude, look at you.

I don't even know who you are

anymore, assh*le.

Who are you calling assh*le, cock?

[Both whining]

[Squealing]

Unh!

Ow!

Oh! Aah! Aah!

Ow! You're a whore!

Aah! Unh!

Jerk!

I'm sorry.

All right, brother.

Let's see how well you do without me.

f*ck you!

I'm done with all of you for

real this time!

What is the problem?

Oh, Ed's out for good.

So, yeah, we pretty much have

to come up

With the rest of the cash on our own.

What are we short?

We need to generate $98,000

in the next four days.

So according to my calculations,

We need to make two more movies,

And that should put us over the mark.

Okay, okay.

Uh, well, you're gonna have to

do it, Marcus.

'Cause Kwan's...

I respectfully decline.

I did my part, and I'm

traumatized for life.

Trying to get the taste of

female ej*cul*te

Out of your mouth

Is like trying to get skunk

spray off clothing.

Brush it off, man.

Doesn't matter.

You're the only one.

Frankly, I believe Ed has a point.

You're the only qualified

person yet to contribute,

And now you're single.

And factoring in your virginity,

Which increases the coefficient by 4.2.

And if we carry over the 8,

then that's... whoa.

What does it say?

What does it mean?

According to my calculations,

I believe that if you were to perform,

We will only need to make one movie.

That's impossible.

Oh! What about Doug?

Yeah, tell Kwan to get

Our next starlet on the phone.

Hey, wake up.

[Slap]

Ow. What...

Doug, you're up.

What?

You're up, man.

It's your turn to make a video.

We've got Anna Williams for you.

Who?

Uh, that chick that fell

down a well 20 years ago.

You have to have sex with her.

Me?

Yeah.

Oh, no. I'm, uh...

I'm all tapped out.

Dude, what?

No, you've been waiting for this forever.

Come on, get up.

You've gotta give me a warning,

Or I'm gonna take care of myself first.

Besides, it's 3:00 in the afternoon.

Just get Ed to do it.

I'll take care of the next one.

Ed's not available.

Okay, you do it.

No.

[Sighs]

Okay, fine.

Oh, I got it.

Perfect.

Couple of these will do the trick.

Pop 'em quick.

Hey, whoa, whoa.

Isn't one enough of those?

Better safe than sorry.

Mmm!

I wonder how long it takes for

these things to kick in.

Oh!

All right, whatever.

Let's go.

All right.

Come on. Come on.

Oh!

I don't feel too good, man.

My heart is b*ating really fast.

You'll be fine.

The side effects include diarrhea,

Flushing of the face, heart palpitations,

Stroke and coma.

Like I said, you'll be fine.

Go get her.

Go for it.

Hey, come on over here.

Hi.

Hi.

Whoo!

[Groaning]

Mmm!

[Laughing]

Whoo!

[Laughing and coughing]

You okay?

I'm... I'm good.

Ahh.

Okay, good.

[Coughing]

You just relax.

Okay.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Mmm!

Ooh! Do you like what you see?

Ooh, yeah. Spank me.

Yeah.

What am I supposed to do now?

sh*t! Doug.

Doug, wake up.

Don't clap. Don't clap.

He's still functioning.

He's good. He's just passed out.

It says we only have to worry

If his erection lasts more

than four hours.

Eww. Are you sure he's not dead?

No, keep going.

Okay. Okay.

Should I take his pants off?

Yeah, sure.

Take 'em down.

Get comfortable.

Come on, big boy.

Ooh!

All right. Looks like we are uploaded.

[Woman moaning]

f*ck!

I can't believe it.

Why do I always miss everything?

I can't believe you let this

woman f*ck me

While I was in a coma.

Yeah, she's going pretty wild here.

Ooh! Ooh, you like that?

You like that?

That might as well have been

a rock she was humping.

You didn't feel anything?

Anything at all?

No! God damn it!

Ohh!

Ooh!

I'm the first virgin that's

not a virgin.

Stop it.

It's true.

Now I know what parents feel like

When they adopt kids.

Well, we're up to 3 million

hits already

With Douglas's video.

It's good, but not good enough.

Yeah, assh*le.

Hey, at least I got to have sex,

Even though I don't remember.

You just got a face full.

We're totally f*cked, guys.

We have no star.

I hate to say it,

But no one can do it like Ed.

We have three days to come up

with 80 grand

Or else we go to prison,

Which means we're f*cked.

African-American men are

12 times more likely to die

In prison than other ethnicities.

Think, think, think, think.

There is one way.

Doug, you're not starring

in another video.

No. p*rn.Cum.

They want to do a cross-promotion

with us.

Why didn't you f*cking say something?

Will they pay us?

Yeah.

Not chump change, either.

We're talking one mil...

Hundred thousand dollars...

[Gasps]

If Ross agrees to lose his virginity

On a live stream pay-per-view

at the p*rn stages.

But I knew he was too much of

a p*ssy to do it,

So that's why I didn't say nothin'.

Yeah, I mean...

Well...

Say we're sorry to who, Danny?

Actually, yeah.

Yeah. Why don't we just find

her house,

And I'll beg for forgiveness?

I mean...

And we apologize for recording ed

Slamming his penis into her vag*na

While she was intoxicated

Under a mix of narcotics and alcohol.

I've got a better idea.

You guys stay here.

I'll apologize for us.

But just in case, uh...

Tell p*rn yes.

What? Really?

It's our plan "b."

Danny's second option.

If Melanie doesn't drop the

charges, then...

Call p*rn and tell them

to set it up.

[Doorbell buzzes]

Man, on intercom: Deliveries to

the service gate on the side.

No, I'm here to see Mellony Adams.

Is she expecting you?

No.

Then call her manager and make

an appointment.

I need to talk to her.

It's important.

Please step away from the gate.

Security will be down shortly

to escort you off the property.

No, no, no.

No, no. Just, uh...

Just tell her that I'm the guy

That put her on the Internet.

[Gate buzzes]

Mellony: So...

Ross.

So, Ross, um...

What is it that you wanted

to talk to me about?

Um, uh, just, uh...

I just wanted to see you and...

Wait.

Are you... are you the one

that I f*cked?

What?

Are you the one that I f*cked

from that video?

Okay, look, things are...

Things are a little fuzzy

from that night.

Don't really remember.

And I haven't really gotten

myself, you know,

Up to watch that video, so...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, no, no, no.

That was... that was Ed.

It wasn't me.

Can I have a muffin?

Sure.

Yeah, um, so...

Can I have an orange, too?

Yeah. No, help yourself, darlin'.

Thank you.

Um, Ed? Ed?

Oh, um, okay. So...

Well, you can tell Ed...

That I said thank you for me, please.

[Laughs]

Thank you?

He saved my life.

What? You're not mad at us?

Oh, I was.

I definitely was.

But I also realized that having

sex with your...

Your friend Ed

Was the best thing that's ever

happened to me.

Okay. You see, I had hit rock bottom.

I needed to take a really long,

hard look at myself

And... And change.

But...

I'm 27 days clean.

[Laughs]

I know, it doesn't...

I know that doesn't seem like much,

But I'm actually really excited

about it.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

But what about the money?

Why are you blackmailing us?

What?

Blackmailing you?

You know, the...

The half-million Danny demanded

To not send us to jail and,

like, k*ll us?

He did what?

Yeah, he's gonna send us all to jail

If we don't come up with 80 grand

In the next two days.

Okay, no, no, no.

Danny is crazy.

Yeah, I know. Yeah.

And I'm sorry if he hurt you.

So will you help us?

Look, I am... I am...

I am so flattered that you

came here to talk about this

And get it all out...

But I can't help you, sweetie.

I can't go back into that world.

I'm working on me.

I can't get involved.

I have to work on me.

That's what comes first.

But, um...

Please, I...

You got some news, partner?

We're ready to do this.

Under one condition:

I am the producer

And I alone handle all of the money.

I'll also need an unlimited

lifetime supply

Of live two-way Jack-off

access on p*rn.Cum.

You drive a hard bargain, partner.

But you got yourself a deal.

Yes!

gettin' p*rn money

gettin' p*rn and money

Lifetime supply. Yeah.

Tickle, tickle!

Tickle, tickle.

I want to spank you.

Okay, come on, Ross.

Come on, Ross.

You got this.

Come on, come on.

One drink.

Take a little drink.

Blech!

Let's roll.

[Funk music playing]

Howdy, partners.

I'm buck Hollister, president of...

What the heck?

Get the f*ck outta here.

What are you...?

President of p*rn.Cum.

I'd like to thank you all

for tuning in tonight

To watch some hot f*ck action

With one of the hottest young

cock stars in the biz.

Tonight, we got a special treat.

We're ready for you.

Okay.

You ready? You excited?

You are going to be waist deep

In some lady's vajayjay in,

like, 30 seconds.

Yeah.

I'm excited.

I'm excited for you.

Hey, I'd be out there if I could,

But can't go back on set.

Oh, jerk off once in the corner

And suddenly you're public

enemy number one.

All right. All right, got it, Scotty.

All right. Thanks, man.

f*ckin' crazy, man.

Suck it up, suck it up, suck it up.

Okay, you got this.

You got this.

We're gonna witness

America's favorite virgin, Ross Ganz,

Pop his cherry tonight live

on videotape!

[Chanting] I chi ooh la goo chi koopah!

What the hell did he just say?

I don't, um...

Do you have to go potty?

I don't know.

Jeez.

Well, here he is... Ross.

Come here, boy.

Hey.

So let me get this straight, partner.

You're a virgin?

Uh, yes. Yeah.

[Laughing] A virgin!

Whoo! Well, we're pretty f*cking classy

Here at p*rn.Cum,

So what we did is went out

And got you an extra special

Little hussy to bang.

Are you ready to meet your

lucky starlet, stud?

Let's just get this over with, man.

Right.

Well, you know her from the magazines.

Let's all please welcome Miss

Emily Addison!

Holy sh*t.

Hey, Ross.

I'm a big fan of yours.

Ohh!

Saddle up, cowboy!

Time for some f*ckin'!

Yee-haw!

Whoa.

Uh...

Whoa.

Uh...

[Whimpers]

Wait, wait, wait.

Aah!

Wait.

What?

You don't like me?

Yes. Yes, I do.

I just...

Holy sh*t, I do.

I just...

I-I-I don't know.

Get to it, kid!

You're gettin' paid to f*ck!

Shut up!

f*ck this!

My God, this is insane.

I can't.

I can't do this. I can't.

I... I... I can't believe these words

Are actually coming out of my mouth,

Considering I've probably

masturbated to you

Over 1,000 times.

I know everything about you.

Oh, my God.

You're awesome.

I, uh...

I even have this little shrine

I made dedicated to you.

It took some pretty huge...

Stuff. Shut up!

You know what?

The truth is

Me and my friends are only

making these tapes

Because we were threatened

By that Hollywood agent Danny Silver,

Who's a f*cking slimy cocksucker,

And I hope you're f*cking

watching, m*therf*cker!

He threatened to b*at us up

and have us arrested

And even k*ll us if we didn't

come up with 500 grand.

Well, here's your 500 grand

right here, m*therf*cker!

Come and get it, 'cause I quit!

You can b*at me up.

I don't care.

Whatever, man.

All right?

Because we are done working for you.

We're done!

You bitch!

And I'll have you know,

There's only one girl I want

to lose my virginity to.

My ex-girlfriend Kim.

And she wouldn't be watching this,

Because she's not that kind of girl.

Like all you little perverts.

She's pure,

And I love that about her.

It's all this bullshit

that caused us to break up!

f*cking sh*t!

Hey, Kwan.

Come here.

I'm not done with you.

Look, I know you're watching, Ed.

All right?

I just want to let you know

you're not a frat guy.

Come on, you're a ninth level paladin

That's led the clan on countless

adventures.

Come on, dude.

If I had a f*cking dollar

for every time you talked

About how much Delaney was a cocksucker,

Man, I'd have, like, between

84 and 130 dollars.

Hey, brah. I might've

said one or two things.

Seriously. Delaney doesn't even

like you, man.

He just hangs out with you

because you do his homework.

You know what, f*ck this!

I hope you're watching, too, Delaney.

Because I'm gonna tell the Dean

on your punk ass!

Get him off the f*ckin' set!

He's blocking the action!

Time to take out the garbage.

Recycle.

You can sit.

Ed!

[Speaking fantasy language]

[Speaking fantasy language]

Unhand him, you ghouls, at once!

Aah!

You guys are k*lling my boner.

Marcus, wake up.

Yo, what the f*ck happened?

Got knocked out again, buddy.

You... you're black.

No sh*t, bitch.

Damn, who the f*ck served me?

Dude, all those blows to your head

Somehow cured your asperger's.

Boy, you really are a p*ssy.

You can't even get it up for

a million dollars.

You mean 100,000.

Doug made the deal for a million.

He did?

You m*therf*cker!

You were gonna keep 900,000

for yourself?

Not really. I was just...

Come here!

I gonna get you!

That's some sh*t.

Now these m*therf*ckers up

in here better get ready

For an unholy b*at-down

The likes of which ain't nobody

ever seen.

Gotcha

[Groans]

What you gonna do, bitch?

[Groans]

The m*therf*cking buck stops here.

[Smash]

God.

Whoa.

Hey, Danny.

You got a minute?

Can it wait?

Mmm...

I'm trying to do some business

over here.

Well, it's, um...

It's kind of important.

All right.

Make it quick.

Well, you're my manager, and

as an actor,

Us actors feel like it's good

to scratch

Our management's back every

once in while.

You know what I mean?

Uh-huh.

And as your best client,

I feel like I kind of owe it to you.

And you know how I roll, baby.

I'm kind of kinky.

Mellony, Mellony.

Mmm.

What did I do to deserve this?

Turn around.

[Both laughing]

Turn around.

Whoa! [Laughing]

[Moaning]

Stop it.

Look at this!

You see that?

That's called a contract, baby.

[Muffled shouting]

A contract...

One of those little bitty things

That you could never get me,

seven years.

In seven years,

You couldn't get me one of

those things.

And I just wanted you to

look at all those zeroes

That are going to be all mine.

[Muffled] That's mine!

And none of yours!

Stop it!

[Groans]

Uh-huh.

Oh, and guess what, Danny?

You're fired. Uh-huh.

You're fired, and I never want to

Ever, ever, ever see you ever again.

[Shouts]

Shut up!

Listen to me.

I should leave you with a

little something,

Though, shouldn't I?

I'm gonna give you something

before I leave

Just so you remember me by, okay?

[Moans]

So you just stay there,

And I'm gonna give you

something to remember me.

It'll be real good, okay?

Stay down.

f*ck you!

You feel that! Uh-huh!

Yeah, it feels good, right, baby?

Yeah!

Sorry I'm late for raid.

Who said you were welcome?

Yo. What up, sexy?

Don't call me that anymore.

The guys kicked me out of the frat

As soon as our videos got taken down.

So what?

I figured I would bring you

this from the P.O. Box.

Ahem.

"Ed is the grossest guy I've

ever slept with,

"Rock bottom...

What was I thinking f*cking that guy?"

Yeah, I already know all this stuff.

Skip to the end.

"This letter is to inform you

that Danny Silver

"And all parties have been arrested

"On extortion charges, among

other things.

"And to inform you that

the estate of Mellony Adams

"Is dropping all charges.

All money you made is yours to keep"?

Yep.

Holy sh*t. We get to keep all

that money?

Oh, sh*t.

I'm sorry I betrayed the clan, brother.

I promise I will never be in

the wrong again.

[Speaking fantasy language]

Hey.

Um, I saw your pay-per-view.

Look, I'm sorry.

Just kiss me.

Um, I think it's about time

I gave you a real kiss.

[Laughs]

[Both panting]

Oh, yeah.

I'm sorry I made you wait for

so long.

Oh, I'm sorry for pressuring

you so much.