01x04 - Wizard City

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Adventure Time: Distant Lands". Aired: June 25, 2020 – September 2, 2021.
The ongoing adventures of Finn, Jake, Marceline, Princess Bubblegum, BMO, and Peppermint Butler, as they travel to distant magical lands.
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01x04 - Wizard City

Post by bunniefuu »

Quiet! Well done, Abracadaniel.

Uh, uh, whoa! Whoa, whoa.



My poor heart.

Who's there? School's closed! Come closer, I don't bite.


I don't have all night.

Choose goose? I got the goods! But these babies are banned.

So I'mma need more dough than we planned! That trip made me quite parched, methinks.

Why don't you offer me a drink? Hey, why the mysterious silence? I hope you're not planning viole Choose Goose! Aaah! Do you know me Or do you know your reflection in my skin You say I'm hard To get to know but I've always been Never, never, never, never needed Anyone to stand by my side - Never - Utinam barbari - Never, never, never needed anyone - spatium proprium - To get by - tuum invadant! I repeat, last stop, Wizwamo Canyon.

This is our last stop, Wizwamo Canyon.

Get offa my bus, kid.

Wizards rule! Yeeaah! Ha ha ha ha! - Hey, there! - Huh? Yes, hello! I am Song Wizard! Oh, hello! I'm P Wait! Let me guess! Oh, I can sense you're new in town Soon putting on your wizard gown Stepping up to our wizard school Dreaming of being super cool? That's exactly right! Wizard City! Oh, you're in Wizard City! Wizard City See how the air is thick with it With what? With Wizard City Wizard City Oh, how the magic flows in the sky My name's actually Con Wizard Goodbye My books! Hey! How dare you take advantage of my childlike sense of wonder! Hey, I'll buy you a brew.

Whooooaa! Aah! My books! Hey, Cadorka! If you can't even get out of this, how you gonna get into Wiz Arts? I've got a few tricks up my sleeve.

Whop! I need these! Aah! - Ha! - Ohh! Heh heh heh.

Ogdoad, strike down my foe! Whoa! I'm calling my uncle.

Hey, kids! Would you like to buy some books? - Con Wizard! - Uh-oh.

What have you done now? Wh I'm the innocent victim here.

It's true! This candy ripped his head off! Uh he stole my bag.

A tissue of lies.

Ah, the sweet smell of justice.

Ugh! That's not justice.

It smells vaguely like dark magic.

Y'all kids know that's illegal, right? We'll let you off with a warning this time, young candy.

But any more of that biz will land your minty little butt straight in the wiz priz.

And you'll bunk with real jerks, like this thief.

I'm not a thief.

I'm an artist.

Hey, get back here! My textbooks.

Hey, that was some pretty sick magic, candy boy.

You're tryin' for Wiz Arts, right? - Walk with us.

- We're walkin'.

I'm Spader, by the way.

This is my cousin Larry.


And that snitch over there is Blaine.

I had to! I got responsibilities! Pssh.

So what's your name, little head-ripper? I'm Peppermint Bu You can call me Pep.


Are you related to Peppermint Butler? The dark one.

The Lord of chaos.

I heard he got banned from Wizard City for stealing forbidden magics.

And then he destroyed Wizard City.

I heard he started the great gum wars and was k*lled by Golb.

That's all rumors.

But he's definitely a dark wizard.

Ha ha.

What?! I'm not related to that sicko.


The auditions.

We'll be late.

Right, let's go.


Entrance auditions are this way.

Calm down, Larry, dang.

There's the salamander dormitories.

And over there's I don't know what that is.

What do you think happened here? Ripper, I'm not here to solve mysteries.

I'm here to shine.



That's my new best friend.

Oh, boy.

What a treat.

By the power of headmaster vested in me, we hereby bestow unto thee the rank of salamander.

What a cool child.

I feel bad for whoever's next.

And that is Cadebra.

Ha! Hoo-yeah.

Do not attempt this at home.

It might end in a hat-tastrophe.

Hocus pocus feel-ee-okus.

Voilà .

Just a little light entertainment.

Young lady, where is the real candle? Looking for this? What nerve.

Ordinarily you'd be dismissed for such a disgusting fakery, but as you are related to our well-loved groundskeeper, you'll be allowed to stay.


Next up, Magic Felicia.

That was embarrassing to watch.

Psst! Psst! Hey, they only laugh because you're different.

I know.

So stop being different.

But I love stage magic.

Ah, just use real magic.

But where's the fun in that? Where's the pizzazz? Ugh, you're gonna keep being different, aren't you? Then you're gonna get kicked out.

And and Come on, let's go calm you down with some hot cocoa, okay? Don't be like that trainwreck.

Next up Pepper Mint.

Rock 'n' roll.

I shall now summon an infernal flame directly from the nightosphere.

Hard core.

Utinam barbari spatium pro prium tuum, uh, invadant.


Flame of night, I command thee.

Light the candle! Aah! Ah! I command thee.

No-o-o-o! Aah! Ta-da.

We can't let this kid in.

He'd ruin our rep.

I think this child shows great potential.

He deserves a chance to learn how to channel it.

I'm pretty sure he's just trash candy.

Do I have to teach him? Hmm, perhaps Cal has a point.

Uh Pepper Mint.

Please accept this badge.

Yes! Spader.

Hey, Spader.

Looks like we're gonna be roomies.

That's a skink, bro.

What? You can't tell a salamander from a skink? Uh He's no ripper.

He's a rip-off.

Wh What's the matter? You gonna blorf? Blaahhh! A flame from the nightosphere? That's basic flippin' baby magic.

- I'm sorry.

- And a skink? Seriously?! I can do better.

I will do better.

Skinks aren't that bad.

Was that Peppermint Butler? - Uh, no.

- It was.

I'll go get Brain Wizard.

Wait! That wasn't really Peppermint Butler.

It was only, uh a curse? A curse? Who would curse you? I hereby instill my intensest intention to strive for the dark arts' accomplished ascension.

Regardless of old lady fate's intervention.

He's been doused with Gumbald's dum-dum juice.

He's gotta start all over.

It's not dangerous.

It's just to make sure I become a powerful wizard again.

I mean for the first time.


I'm a baby.

Peppermint Butler is my uh Your uncle.

And he's really judgmental and embarrassed, right? Just like mine.

I guess we have a lot in common.

Just don't tell anyone, okay? Skink secret.


And don't call me skink.

I'm getting out of this weak level first thing tomorrow.

Wow, you really need a friend.


I'll be your friend.


We're two toasts in a toaster.

The signs speak to me.

And now finally the quest for the chalice begins.

Yesterday was just a fluke.

Today's a new day.

And the first step on my road to wizardly greatness Transmutation 101.

Can you believe that Peppermint kid yesterday thought he was a salamander? Yes.

Hello, g*ng.


- Mind if I - No, no, no.

Not in my class.


Skinks in the nosebleed section.

Oh, poop.


Hey, roomie.

Don't we have the best view from here? Not for long.

Once I really show 'em my stuff, they'll up me to salamander.


This book looks just like the one I lost.

Same exact stickers and everything.

Yeah, but it's not.

Whatever you say, P-Man.


Stop your Walla.

Sit down and zip your hams! Right off the bat, let's get the rumors out of the way.

Yes, I used to be a dark wizard.

Many say the greatest dark wizard.

Did I swim deep in the loomy gloom? Yes.

Did I transcend the eight schools of magic? Yep.

Did I throw Laser Wizard and Forest Wizard under the bus to buy my own freedom? Ehh.

That's all in the past.

And I'm not gonna talk about it.

Okay, you know what? Let's talk about it.

Hey! We're here to learn some real wizardry, not hear your sad backstory.

How do you like me now, Larry? Lesson one eggs.

Eggs? Eggs are especially susceptible to transmutation.

Razza mafoo.

Bufo! Hey, look at that.

Nature is giving you a head start, so I expect you to have magicked up something really special by the next class.

That includes you, Larry! I didn't buy enough eggs, so everyone has to pair off with the person next to you.

Open to page 6 in your textbook "The Primary Elements of Transmutation.

" Can I get another partner? No! Watch this.


Aah! Blup.

Ta-da! Blllllbb.


This is a fluke, too.

I'll crush my other classes.

Ahh! Wonderful.

Oscario mayerium botulus animus.

Hot dog! I am losing my mind at this choreography.

Tai-re-re-re, tai-re-re-re Whoooaaa! Tai-re-re-re, tai-re-re-re Tai-r You bungler.



Pretty good.

This locator spell requires a strong emotional bond.

So team up with your bestie.

Found him.

Got that right, little dude.

Think of your buddy and the light will lead you right to them.

Really? Huh! Yaaahhh! Your bond is weak! Be better at having friends.

He-yo! Uhh! Hey, jerk.

Watch where you're Num-num-num.

What's going on, Abracaduncle? I'm in big trouble, Cadebs.

Someone smashed the trophy case and stole one of the school cups.

And of course I'm gonna get blamed for it.

I need this job, and I'm, like, your only friend here.

Guess that's my cue to leave.

Okay, bye.

Aarggh! Why is this so hard?! Huh? It's just lunch.

Chill, man.


This simply won't do.

How am I supposed to achieve greatness with everyone against me? It's like they want me to fail.

Well, I'm not against you.


Potion recipes are mad secret, y'all, but this baby here can reverse-engineer any concoction back to its alchemical components.

Shwazaa! w*apon! Huh.

This is magic history, right? With Dr.

Caledonius? Aaaaaaahhhh! What are you waiting for, kids? History is happening all around us.

Follow me.


Caledonius? Call me Dr.



Fossil evidence of our great wizard past.


Ahh! Now, this column dates back to a time when an order of dark wizards took over the school and turned it into a temple dedicated to the worship of of Well, we really don't know who.

History is full of mysteries.

And on your left, you'll see a real piece of ancient history.


What? Just messin', Bufo.


This is hardly proper madame.

He's the worst.

This way to more learning.


Whatever could this be? Oh, my.

Who can tell me what this beauty was used for? Anyone? You there.

- Mr.


- Oh.

H-Harvesting mistletoe? Very good, Star Brite.

Now this is the kind of zester for yester I love to see.

Whaddaya say we excavate this old courtyard together? It's history you can touch with your hands.

Come on, dig in.

The twisted trees sing Dark dark dark Wizard check.

Wizard whaaaaat? Quit it! This is my homework.

And I intend to ace it.

Hey! That's not your order, dingus! I know.

I just got tired of waiting.

The lack of respect I get around here is unbelievable.

These people.


You know, this egg is just like you, Pep Covered in a hard white shell.

But the inside is all gooey, ready to change into something beautiful.





A chroma spell is too basic.

It's gotta be more powerful.

Ah, perfect.


Should we really be skipping that far ahead? To be powerful, I have to cast the most powerful spell.

Kalum vas xen corpus.

Relum xen bran bal in vas! Why didn't it work?! Aaah! Hey, Pep where's the egg? Huh? Gra! Give it.

Pep, sometimes you just gotta stick with the classics.

Do this one.

Don't think.

Just do it.

Enfo cor cantis chromeo! You did it, Pep.



And you didn't ruin anything.





Gotta go work the pipes.


Hey, Spader, my friend.

The usual? You really get me, Potable Wizard.

I hope Bufo likes the egg.

That ol' croaker's gonna love it.


You gotta tell me how you did that.


Sure, Spader.

I could give you a play-by-play and Yeah, all I could manage was a seraphication spell.

Ahhhh It's amazing.

Our egg is nice, too.

Nope Oh, whoopsies.

You You did that on purpose.

Your egg sucked anyway.

Here, clean yourself up.


- What's happening? - Another oooquake? Huh! Coconteppi! Oh, it's time.

No one pay me any mind.

Spader! I'm warning you, if you don't back off Pep.

Skim pigeon milk, two pumps of the good stuff for Spa-a-a-der.


Aah! You absolute loser.

You think you're going to become me by slinging some baby egg spells? B-But it went fine until Spader ruined Bull stuff.

He's got your number.

If you don't fix this, that golden boy's gonna eat our lunch all year.

So get out there and show him you mean business! Hyah! Spader!! Holy cow.

Spader You're so flipping cool This tastes terrible.



I forgot Larry.


Aah! f*re.


Cadebra, focus.

If you don't raise your stats by 27.

82578950%, you'll never be a salamander and you'll end up being a joke, like your uncle here.

Listen to your mom.

I'm not even a good joke.

Don't you want to be a powerful wizard? Nah, not really.

Whaaa? Being a wizard is boring.

I want to have fun! - Fun!! - Cadebra! Turn around when I scream your name like this! - If I get high pitched like this - Huh? You have to turn around immediately! "Magic Tricks & Fake Stage Illusions"? Whoa.

This looks so so fun! It's the perfect mix of glamour and cool that I've been craving.

Ha-ha! Pep, did I ever tell you how I got into Hey.

There's my buddy.

You look pretty haggard.

Like you were up all night k*lling a guy.

I was up all night saving our bacon.

Our egg.

How'd you fix it? Watch out! It's a little unstable.

Unstable? Wait.

Did you use dark magic? Be cool.

Just a dash.

Just don't touch it or breathe on it or look at it.

Larry, have you seen Spader? He never came back last night.

Yeah, that's not like him.

Stop, stop, stop.


Before we review your eggs, I've got an important announcement regarding your fellow student, Spader Petersen.

Spader? They're talking about Spader? He said Spader.

This morning, I received this letter from him.

"Dear Bufo, up until now, my life has been like a rubber bone That I've been chewing with sad puppy teeth when it should have been" "A bone bone that I'm shredding with my wolf fangs.

So I'm giving up magic to walk the wilderness of the world and find the delicious marrow it has to offer Farewell, my favorite teach.

Love" No! That can't be true! Spader loves magic and hates metaphors! Well, you know, some kids just don't have the grit to navigate the murky magical waters.

What do you want me to say? N Huh? No! Spader! - Why?! - Mr.


Since you're making such a racket, perhaps you'd like to share your assignment first.

Whoa! I am the nutritious shadow that looms over your breakfast.

- Wha - Did you see that? Hmm.

This is unexpectedly - Hyup.

- Interesting.

He's the new Spader.

He totally is.

Peppermint Spader! Peppermint Spader! No! Original-flavor Spader! Hmm.


Mint, take Spader's old seat.


What did you do to him?! - Huh? - I heard you last night, talking to yourself, making thr*at.

You were gonna show Spader you meant business.

That? That was just angry talk.

Yes, he was tough on me, but that made me a better wizard.

I mean, look how great my egg turned out.

I grow too large for this soufflé you call space-time! Uh-oh.

Aah! Coconteppi! Back of the class.

Blblb! Pep! Let me help you.

You're hiding something, and I'm gonna find out what it is.

My uncle's a cop! No one likes a rat.

I wish I could just disappear.

You're supposed to run away.

I'm serious.

I've gotta get Blaine off my case or everyone will find out about me.

So your uncle's a dark wizard.

It doesn't mean you did anything to Spader.

But if something did happen to him, there could be, like, guilt by association.

Aah! Then let's find Spader and set this straight.


He's too far away by now.

Friend, we're in wizard school.

We're gonna do a location spell to find Spader.

You don't even like real magic.

Hockaronda Crockpot.

We'll boost the spell's range by doing it together.



It's never gonna work, though.



Look, Pep.

We're doing it.

Huh? What does it mean? Ahh! So close.

We just gotta sync our waves more.

There is no "we.

" I'm nothing like you.


Coast is clear, Larry.

Stupid Cadebra.

It's all her fault.


It's like you're trying to screw up.

Please, I'm in a lot of trouble.

Throw them off your trail.

Even if you have to lie, cheat, and steal.

Stop yelling at me.

I'm encouraging you.

Look out.

- Ooh.

- Oh! Whuuhhh Whoa! Oh, no.



- Are you okay? - Oh, Pep.

Sorry about that.

No, I'm sorry.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

I'm a screw-up.

A bona fide ding-dong.

Oh, ease up.

That's my favorite student you're talking about.


Come on.

Give me a hand, will ya? Whoa.

That hole got hecka deep, huh? Mm-hmm.


What are we doing out here? Oh.

You caught me.

I bury these artifacts in this courtyard so there are enough sweet finds to go around the next day.

I just want all my students to have a good time.

Not to feel left out, you know? That's nice.

You can keep a secret, can't you? Yeah.

Glob knows I've got a ton of 'em.

Is that why you were out wandering tonight? Mm.

I see Well, come on down here and help out.

Get out of your head for a while.

I'd probably just mess that up, too.

Oh, Star Brite.

Do you ever feel like no matter how hard you try, you're still nothing but a disappointment and everyone even your mentors Want you to fail? Hold on.

Is this about Bufo? - Bufo? - Psh.

That jerk's always pushing people around because of his "dark wizard past.

" Dark wizard past? Don't let that washed-up jabroni make you doubt yourself, Pep.

You were meant for greatness.

- You're right.

- Hmm? W-Wait.

Where are you going? Hmm unlock! Bufo used to be a dark wizard.

He's the perfect patsy.

And this'll make him look even more suspicious than me.

He was there at the brew last night.

He hates all his students.

He's even the one who got the letter from The letter from Spader.

I mean, why would he send it to Bufo? Ha, perfect.

Guilt by association.

Wait a minute.

Did Bufo k*ll Spader? Ah! Huh? Bufo! I'm right, aren't I? What did you do to Spader? Why are you sitting in the dark drinking out of a fancy cup? Talk.

Waa! Fingerprints.

Blaine, I'm right here.


Goo-goo ga-ga? I told you, Uncle J.

Who else could leave such dainty little tracks? Oof, forgot to wipe.

I know your secret.

Peppermint Butler.

Why did I bring that? Cuff him, Larry.

You have been identified as Peppermint Butler, a dark wizard permabanned from Wizard City.

You're also a person of interest in the disappearance of one Spader Petersen.

You k*lled my boy.

I-I didn't k*ll anybody.

Not Spader or Bufo.

That's Bufo? You're a real maniac.

Keep back.

Dark wizard.

Dark wizard coming through.

Pay no attention to the dark wizard.

Keep a wide berth.

I'm gonna head back.

Pep's probably cooled down by now.

I don't think I like him.

He's prickly, but he really needs my help, you know? Uh I'm always here for you, Deb.

Dark wizard.

Aaaaah! Cadebra, help! Pep.



I knew you needed me.

Stay back, little girl.

This is the nefarious Peppermint Butler.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

This harmless little cherub isn't the Peppermint Butler.

He's just his underdog nephew.

Right, Pep? Pep? Mm.

Cadebra? Nah! Hey.

Fake magic.


Wh-Where'd he go? Listen up, everyone.

The nerd loser skink formerly known as Peppermint is in fact Peppermint Butler.

But my uncle's gonna get him and anyone who's helping him.

How are you holding up? Real bad, if I'm honest.

I thought he was my friend, ya know? Do you think he actually dispatched Bufo and Spader? No.

Pep can be kind of a jerk, but he wouldn't k*ll anyone.

I can feel that in my bones.


I agree with you.

Even the ill-famed Peppermint Butler deserves a second chance.

But first I have to find him.

Did you try a locator spell? I did, but Our connection isn't strong enough.

I just hope I can find Pep before the wiz cops blast him on sight.

Were you guys talking about me? Lick me out of existence, boys.

Huh? Ahh! We do have a connection.

You cast that spell? Great.


You could've just told me you were trying to escape your dark past.

I wasn't trying to escape it.

I was trying to recreate it.

- Oh, no! - Look, we'll find the real k*ller and prove you're not a big scary dark wizard anymore.

But I wanna be.

Think back Did you see anything suspicious at the crime scene? Oh, yeah.

Bufo was holding this fancy cup when I found him.



Aahhh! Did that stuff blow up Bufo? We should take this to Ron James's alchemy machine and see what's in it.


Did you find Pep? Who? Star Brite.

Ahh! Wait, don't run.

Oof! Dr.

C, we think the goop in here k*lled Bufo.

Oh, my stars.

The Chalice of Coconteppi.

Uh, what's Coconteppi? A very old and powerful relic.

Once we return it to its rightful place, everything will be alright.


Stop right there, criminal scum.

They'll be fine.


We're almost there.


Wha Gross.

Star Brite, return the Chalice to the throne.

It's got a cupholder and everything.


Is that Coconteppi? Oh, don't mind that.

It's been there for thousands of years.


Hold up.

Yeah, boy! What's happening? The Chalice is in its rightful place.

Coconteppi, Coconteppi, Coconteppi, Coconteppi Coconteppi, Coconteppi, Coconteppi, Coconteppi Dr.

C, look out! Coconteppi.

It's alright.

Everything is as it should be.

Pep, let's get outta here.

Brain Wizard: What's the matter, Cadebra? Don't you trust your teachers? My presence is also surprising.

Coconteppi, Coconteppi Don't you realize you're witnessing history? We're standing in the true heart of Wizard City The tomb of Coconteppi.

Coconteppi, Coconteppi, Coconteppi, Coconteppi Millions of years ago, the usurpers of Wizard City hid his body away to deny and suppress the darkness that had been magic's original power.

Our secret order of wizards have been searching for centuries.

For even death could not contain his power forever.

The ichor was diluted upon discovery.

Choose goose! But the source was finally located, right under our noses.

Ahh! Our first attempt was a failure.

Ugh! Is that why you k*lled Bufo? Because he picked the wrong sacrifice? Bufo was a deluded old toad.

He tried to use the ichor for himself.

It should have worked.

We were so young and moist-Skinned.


The Chalice of Coconteppi requires potential far surpassing your own.

Yes, Peppermint Butler.

You are the Chalice.

- What? - Then what's this? Just a cool cup.

Gotta have the cup.

Surpass your old self.

Become the most powerful wizard of us all.

That is why I came here.

Come on! Eh, I'll risk it.

Dude, even if you survive, that much undiluted D-magic will mess you up.

You won't be little Peppermint anymore.

Being me hasn't worked out so good.


You can be powerful in your own way.

It's a long road, and it'll be way harder Like stupid hard But you'll own it.

Get rid of her.

Ah! Wait.

Give her to us.

Mm, boba straw.

Ahh! Pep! Oh, hold her still.

I'm trying.

Ignore that.

Become who you were meant to be.

What are you waiting for? Drink the ichor.

Pep! Cadebra? You're not good enough.

You need that sweet ichor.

I do.

- Hng! - Yes.

Dark one.

See, Twigs? I was right.

Oh, glorious Pepperminteppi, lay waste to the oppressive city above.

Usher in the second age of terror.

Ooh, that's too hot.

Dimension punch! Stop.

Stop it.

Pep, can we go now? Don't fight the dark ichor.

Embrace it.

Run, Cadebra.


More weight.

Oh! It's me.

Pep, I know you're still in there.

f*re, f*re, f*re.

He's gonna splat me and he won't even realize it.


If I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die in style.

Oh, yeah.

Do not attempt this at home.

You're no wizard.


We're still best buds.


Is this supposed to show me that the fragility of life is worth preserving? Pathetic.

No, it's to distract you.

Huh? Ack! Hocus pocus.

Ahhhh! Pep? Momo, you were this close to recreating me.

Your destiny.

You're not my destiny.

You're my Stop! Past.

Oh, no.


I still wanna be a powerful wizard jerk.

Just not him.

So crazy first week, right? Peppermint, for your semi-heroic deeds in defeating the dark wizards, who for some reason had tenure and not me, your right to roam the city has been restored.

And today, I, w*apon Head the Third, as new headmaster, hereby promote you to the rank of salamander.

More of this.

More cheering.

Professor w*apon Head Why'd you turn down salamander? It's what you wanted.

Eh, shortcuts kinda give me the creeps now.

And the long road doesn't sound so bad when you have a good travel buddy.

Awww, pal.


So, ready to try that spell? Mm-hmm.

Um, I think this is yours, actually.

Yeah I know.

Corpus petramo cancelo turn Larry back.

Huh? Oh, boy! I can't wait to see Spader now that I have eyes again.

Where is he? Being Choose Goose is no lark especially now that I'm turning dark.

Do not attempt this at home.
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