[Tires screech]
[g*nsh*t, thud]
- Oh, where those your parents?
Poor little guy.
Oh, well.
Time erases
traumatic memories.
At least that's what
my scout leader told me
When he made me suck his--
hmm...
Huh. It does work.
Don't worry, little cub.
I'll take care of you.
- Son, never forget us.
Never forget
where you came from.
- Goo-goo, gaa...
God damn, I'm good.
[g*nshots]
- Malloy, what do you say
We take a hike
and connect with nature?
- I have all the nature
I need right here.
Die, you worthless animals!
[g*nshots]
[Beeping, b*mb whistles]
[expl*si*n]
- Extinction achieved!
- So this sh*t was rated "e"
for everyone, huh?
- Aah!
- ♪ Brickleberry
- Oh, god.
It's that day again.
It's malloy's parents'
murderversary.
[Gulps]
Don't look guilty.
Don't look guilty.
- Steve?
- Aah! I'm sorry!
- Uh, for what?
- Uh, uh--
[Grunts]
- oh!
- For that.
Just wanted to apologize
beforehand.
- Apology accepted, steve.
- Steve, don't you ever
hit connie with a chair!
Use the connie club.
That's
what it's there for.
Now listen up, rangers.
It's april 22nd.
Also known as--
- The day that malloy's parents
were k*lled!
- No. Earth day.
Jesus, steve.
Why would you bring that up?
- Well, not because
there's a horrible memory
Or crushing guilt
weighing on me.
Oh, look at the time.
Ah!
[Pounding on glass]
- Woody, since when do you
care about earth day?
- Since always, ethel.
Earth is my planet.
And my planet is full
of soupy dipshits
Who go to national parks
on earth day
To pretend to give a flying
sheep's queef about nature.
Aka, this is the day
we makes da mad benjamins.
Am I right, denzel?
- Yeah, you would be,
if this was the early '90s
And you were black.
- Actually, denzel,
It wasn't until the late '90s
When "benjamins" entered
the black verna--
Oh!
- Denzel!
It's three steps away!
- [Farts]
- Ooh, almost had it.
- My god!
What is the point of this?
- It's for the environment,
ethel.
I'm trying to return
this trout
To its natural habitat--
that deep fryer.
[Splash]
Jackpot!
- Woody, this is a joke.
Your "celebration of nature"
is destroying our park.
- Ethel, that offends me.
Now shut up and help me
oil up these pelicans.
- Malloy!
There's my best
little orphaned friend.
- What is up with you?
Every year,
around this time,
You start acting weirder
than usual.
- Nonsense.
[Nervous laugh]
Here, I got you a card.
- "So your parents d*ed
in a gruesome accident.
♪
Better luck next time."
Uh, how is this supposed
to cheer me up?
- Sorry.
What else can I do?
- How about stick your d*ck
in a beehive?
- On it.
Honeybee or yellow jacket?
- Whichever one's
more aggressive.
- Yellow jacket it is.
Huh, this isn't so bad.
[Insects buzzing]
It kind of tickles.
Aagh!
Now it's bad!
Aah!
They're stinging my penis.
They are really stinging
my penis!
Something must have
pissed them off. Oh!
- Wow, that actually
cheered me up
More than
I thought it would.
- Okay.
I'll stick with it.
[Groans]
- Well, time to do my part
for the environment.
- Well, not only is it quiet,
It's the safest car
on the ro--aah!
[Moose snorts]
- This really is quiet.
They can't even
hear me coming.
[Bison bellows]
[Cell phone rings]
What?
- Malloy, it's steve.
I'm calling
from the hospital.
Turns out I'm allergic
to yellow jackets.
The good news is, my penis
is now 13 inches...wide.
- Feel free to never
call me again, okay?
[Sighs]
this is the life.
- Hello, bear.
We need to talk.
- Jessica simpson?
[Smack]
- Oh, so this is the animal
That thinks he is a human.
Hello, human.
Can we get you
some answering machine?
[Laughter]
Or perhaps a mcburger king?
[Loud laughter]
- Is this, like, a--
is this tyler perry humor?
Because I do not get it.
- Silence!
Look at these animals
that you drove upon
With your fuel-efficient
death machine.
- I didn't see a single
animal crossing sign.
So whose fault's that?
- Screw you, human lover.
Let me eat this p*ssy, boss.
- Easy, joe wolf.
No one will be eating p*ssy
today.
[All groan]
- ah, man.
- The bear is not to blame.
The humans made him this way.
I am moose nazir,
leader of the animals.
Welcome to my humble home.
Please, bring this honored guest
our finest foods.
[Flies buzzing]
- So all your other foods
are worse than this?
- Come now, this is a great
delicacy for an animal.
I harvest
these larvae myself,
From the anus
of a magnificent elk carcass.
- I just had
the bottomless bowl
Of ass maggots
at the olive garden.
Sorry, I am gonna--
oh, I gotta go home.
- To the human world?
You don't belong there.
What is so wrong
with this place?
- Um, ass maggots.
- Fair enough.
You are free to go.
I just thought
you might want to know
What really happened
to your parents.
- My parents were accidentally
k*lled by a tourist.
- Huh?
k*lled by a tortoise?
- No, a tourist.
- Who you calling a tourist,
you uppity little bitch?
I've lived here
for 273 years.
I did blow off
sacagawea's ass!
- Oh, you poor,
misguided bear.
You live, eat, sleep
among the human rangers,
And yet you don't know that one
of your beloved rangers
m*rder*d your parents!
- What?
That's impossible.
- I saw it with my own eyes.
- Holy sh*t.
Who was it?
- I don't know.
They all look the same to me.
- I know which one it was.
The purple one.
- Wolves are color-blind,
joe wolf!
You don't know what the [bleep]
you're talking about.
- He sounded purple.
- How could they?
- Feel the anger
surge through your veins.
Let it overtake you.
- I want blood.
- As dipping sauce
for ass maggots, right?
- No, for revenge.
- Well, revenge
is a dish best served
With ass maggots.
Seriously, just try one
of these ass maggots.
- I just don't get it.
Why would a ranger
k*ll my parents?
- Because humans are evil.
This injuries are just
from the earth day celebration.
Our doctors have been working
around the clock.
Give me your report,
dr. Gooseniak.
- Hmm, this fox
has a serious head wound.
Lick it.
This skunk has
a severely broken leg.
Lick it.
And this raccoon
has a sprained penis.
Gary, you've sprained your penis
every day this week.
- What can I say?
I lead an active life.
Now make with the licking.
- Humans have always
mistreated animals.
- What can I do to help?
- Malloy,
you are the only one
That can communicate our demands
to those filthy humans.
Take up our cause,
and I promise you vengeance
For your parents.
- I'll do it.
- Oh, I just remembered.
I also sprained my balls.
- The bad news is,
the yellow jackets
That burrowed up
my pee hole
Made a nest
out of my prostate.
- Jesus,
what's the good news?
- I'm pissing honey.
- Wow, malloy.
You look so serious.
Everything all--
- Silence, human.
- Malloy, what's wrong?
You've never
called connie human before.
- Because that's
what you all are.
And we have a lot of problems
with humans.
- Oh, yeah?
Who's "we"?
Did you make
some new furry friends?
Good for you.
- Here's a list
of all of our demands.
- Aw, that's cute.
"Stop polluting.
No more motor vehicles.
And more hot,
wet goat cooter"?
- Hell, yeah!
I mean, how did that
get on there?
I mean, baa.
- Malloy, that is a bunch
Of adorable,
time-wasting nonsense.
Anything else?
- Yes.
Turn over the ranger
who k*lled my parents.
- [Gasps]
- a ranger k*lled your parents?
Impossible!
No ranger could do something
so cruel.
Right, steve?
- [Gasps]
- steve, shut up.
You sound like adele
walking up a flight of stairs.
- Sorry.
- So woody, do we have a deal?
- Aw, daddy's little fuzzy wuzzy
wants to be a commie.
What're you gonna do
if we don't comply
With all your
wittle bittie demands?
Strike?
How the hell do animals
go on strike?
- Uh, yeah, I probably
should have offered
To help with those signs.
- Hey! You!
Where are you going?
You just got here.
- Hey, no one wants to go
to a park without animals.
- Yeah, it's like going
to a lakers game
And not getting gangbanged
by the team
While my husband
pulls the car around.
- Yeah!
What'd she say?
[Glass shatters]
- you two!
Go round us up some animals
Who aren't afraid to cross
a picket line.
- Scabs?
You want us to get you
scab animals?
- Don't think of them
as scabs.
Think of them
as improvements.
You know,
like when jar jar
Kicked that star wars franchise
into hyperspace.
[Laughs]
Swims like a fish,
talks like a sl*ve.
It's brilliant!
How did george come up
with that?
Oh, he's a [bleep] genius.
- Oops.
My bad.
I didn't mean to k*ll
an animal.
- It's okay.
Fish are assholes.
[Spits]
You are learning well,
young cub.
And for that,
I want to give you a gift.
- Awesome.
Lay it on me, naz.
Oh, what is happening
right now?
- You gotta be kidding me!
Moose nazir has never let
another animal sniff his butt.
Do you have any idea
what a big honor this is?
- No?
- You ungrateful bastard.
Let me get in there, boss.
I'll sniff you good.
I'll get in so deep,
You'll be shittin' boogers
for a month.
- No, joe wolf.
This honor is reserved
For the son I never had.
- I'm an animal.
This is what animals do.
Just do it.
[Sniffs]
Oh...what an honor.
Oh.
[Gags]
- Oh, you like it?
Please.
Grab a sniff for the road.
- Scab animals?
Has woody lost his g*dd*mn mind?
- Yes, but this
is an opportunity
To help neglected
and abused animals.
We can give them
the life they deserve.
Like this hungry
little kitty.
[Cat yowls]
ow! Bastard!
- [Muttering indistinctly]
[rat squeaking]
[Cat screeches]
- Look at that man
just abusing his dog.
Making him wear
an arizona cardinals jersey.
Excuse me, sir.
Would you happen to have
the time?
- Why, yes, it's--
- your dog's a frozen turkey.
- Oh, my god!
Then what did I put
in the oven?
- What's all this?
- I'm going through all
the old park's security footage
To prove our innocence.
- Well, good luck
making your way
Through countless hours of--
- hey, look at this.
It's a tape
from the same day
Malloy ended up
on our doorstep.
- [Gasps]
- wow, steve.
You sound like adele
going down on me.
Is everything okay?
- No.
No, it's not.
The jig is up, connie.
There's something
I need to admit.
- Jar jar binks,
what are you doing in my room?
[As jar jar binks]
meesa like.
Meesa like you.
Oh jar jar,
what are you doing?
Jar jar, this is crazy!
Stop. Stop.
Don't stop.
Don't--oh. Ah.
Oh, that feels good.
[Cat meows weakly]
- Jesus christ!
When I said "scab animals,"
I didn't mean animals
with scabs on 'em!
Does that cat
have feline aids?
- Nah, just regular aids.
[Cat croaks]
- Well, there's nothing
wrong with the poodle.
- He's over there picketing!
[Poodle barks]
This is a disaster!
The tourists are all gone!
- The strike is working.
Soon, they'll
give into our demands
And turn over the prick
who k*lled my parents.
- [Laughs]
patience, my son.
The strike was just a device
To get the rangers
alone and vulnerable.
It's time for phase two.
- Make them smell your ass?
- No. k*ll them.
All of them!
- [Chokes]
- You know what will help
that cough?
A quick butt sniff.
- [Sniffs]
- What the [bleep],
joe wolf?
You trying to sneak
a sniff?
- No, boss.
I just lost my car keys.
I thought I saw 'em
in your butt.
- All right, ethel.
We tried it your way.
Now we're gonna try it
my way.
Give me 100 unmarked,
non-consecutive puppies.
And don't try to give me
the ones with the dye packs.
I'm onto you,
mother[bleep]!
- Wow, crime does pay.
You think we have enough?
- We should.
We knocked over 2 zoos,
12 pet stores,
And a chuck e. Cheese.
♪
g*dd*mn puppy dye pack!
- We will k*ll the humans,
you will have your revenge,
But we won't stop there.
We will punish any animal
Who associates
with human things.
Ah, neil.
How are you, my friend?
- Just chillin'
like a motherbucker.
What's up with you,
moose n?
- You haven't been enjoying
any human food, have you?
Maybe rooting around
in the trash can?
You know this
is against our rules.
- No way.
I hate human food.
Ah, sh*t!
- k*ll him.
- Oh, no!
Oh! Oh, it hurts!
- Whoa, I did not realize
you guys were this intense.
- That's right.
I even ordered the tiger hit
On siegfried and roy.
- Wow.
I thought that tiger just hated
magicians like everyone else.
I cannot believe
they k*lled neil
For eating a doughnut.
I just need to calm down,
relax.
No more human stuff.
Right after
I b*at gears of w*r...
And eat a king-sized
snicker bar...
And this
buffalo chicken pizza...
And get a happy ending
from this filipino hooker.
- [Laughs]
Looks like someone's
sniffed his last moose ass.
Nice.
- [Groans]
"The key to being
a safe driver--"
[Thud, tires screech]
Oh, my god!
Wait.
You're both still alive.
I'll go call for help.
[Groans]
[g*nsh*t]
[g*nsh*t]
[g*nsh*t]
Aah!
Ugh, I can't
keep living like this.
I'm gonna do something
I should have done
a long time ago.
- [Snores]
- Connie, wake up.
- Aah!
[Glass shatters]
Ugh!
Sorry.
What's going on, steve?
- There's something
I need to show you.
- Steve, that's so sweet,
but this is something
I've never told anyone before.
I'm gay.
Oh, my god.
It feels so good
to finally say it.
What a burden lifted.
- That's not why I'm here.
It's this.
[As connie]
look at me. I'm connie.
I'm driving.
Oops!
I hit something.
Dum dee dum dum dum dum.
Bang!
sh*t malloy's parents.
I'm so stupid.
- Oh, no.
It was me.
I k*lled malloy's parents.
I need to confess to him
right now!
- But those animals
might k*ll you.
- It's what I deserve.
Unless there's some other piece
of information
That could clear my name
and save my life.
- Hmm,
not that I'm aware of.
- [Screams]
- What have I done?
They're gonna k*ll connie.
- Screw that fat bitch.
Who cares if they k*ll her?
- What about you?
Hello?
Is anyone there?
- I don't know, man.
Just do what he said.
[Sighs]
- What up, my brethren?
- I can't believe
you would hurt me like this.
- Uh-oh.
Somebody's in trouble.
- I have no idea
what you're talking about.
- So you didn't spend all day
On your boxed "x"
playing queers of whore?
- I can honestly say no
to that.
- And to think I opened
my anus to you.
- I'm sorry, moose nazir.
Please, it will never
happen again.
- Attention, animals.
I am--
- a bloated, ginger she-beast!
But also completely innocent.
- That first part
was kind of mean.
- No, connie,
it was honesty,
And that's
what we need right now.
Malloy, I did it.
I k*lled your parents.
- I should have known.
You're dead, steve.
- Good.
Redeem yourself.
Allow your animal instincts
to take control.
Eat his face off.
- [Laughs]
I'm sorry.
It just sounded like you said,
"eat his face off."
- I did.
- [Laughs] I'm sorry.
It just sounded
like you said, "I did."
What? Wait, wait, wait.
This is crazy.
Did you just nod?
- Do it!
- Hey, this might not be
the right time,
But are you
khloe kardashian?
You're nowhere near as ugly
as you are on television.
- And that's
the whole story, malloy.
- You expect me to believe
that you tripped,
sh*t two bears through the head
with one b*llet?
- I know.
Imagine how surprised
your parents were.
- Come on, malloy bear.
Do it.
Show us you
are a true animal.
For once you eat his face,
you can never go back!
Do it!
- Malloy, I deserve
to be eaten alive.
Here's some arby's
horsey sauce packets
That I think would go great
with my face.
- Do it now!
- Uh, uh...
Uh, ah, uh...
Ugh, I can't eat his face.
You sure
I should eat him raw?
Can't I get salmonella?
- Proof you are a human lover!
- So what if I am?
I like my life.
I belong with the humans.
And if that bothers you,
I guess you'll just have
to k*ll all of us.
- All right.
Let's k*ll all of them.
- Ooh, I suck at ultimatums.
Look! Johnny depp!
- Where?
Where is johnny depp?
♪
- Connie, do something!
- Here.
- What should we do now?
- Let's start with connie
putting a shirt back on.
♪
- Where the hell did
all those stupid animals go?
Hey, I'm ready to negotiate!
- Here they are!
- Where? Aah! Ow!
♪
- Now, my little furry friend.
This is how you eat a face.
Ah...
- Stop! I didn't want it
to come to this,
But you've left me
with no choice.
att*ck, my children!
[Insects buzzing]
Ow! Ah!
No, no, them!
Aah! Them!
att*ck them!
[g*nsh*t]
[b*llet ricocheting]
- Ha! You missed!
[Ricochet]
- You had a g*n
the whole time?
♪
- Well, I gotta say, ethel.
You do put on a better earth day
celebration than me.
- I hope we all learned
a valuable lesson--
That everyone
needs to respect nature
And be nicer to animals.
- Or, when you do
k*ll an animal,
Replace it with a robot.
♪
[Camera shutter snaps]
[Men grunting]
- Well, it's that day again,
malloy.
I wanted to say I'm sorry
for what I did.
- Ah, don't worry about it,
steve.
After all, if you
didn't k*ll my parents,
I wouldn't be watching
bumfights,
Eating this microwave
corn dog right now.
Animals don't know
what they're missing.
- Well, I guess I did you
a favor, huh?
- Sure. And as a thank you,
I got you a surprise.
- Mom? Dad?
[g*nsh*t]
- And now we're even.
- [Laughs]
[Tapping keys,
bell dings]
♪
02x09 - The Animals Strike Back
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Series follows a group of park rangers as they work through their daily lives in the fictional Brickleberry National Park.
Series follows a group of park rangers as they work through their daily lives in the fictional Brickleberry National Park.