[Ethereal music]
- I can't believe tomorrow's
the big day.
Our country is finally
putting a man on mars.
What do you think
is up there, denzel?
- Hot martian b*tches
with four sets of green titties.
- That's really profound,
denzel.
- I know.
Titty-[bleep] that bitch
Is like a full-time job.
- What about the rest
of space?
- Mm, stars and sh*t.
- How many do you think
there are?
- More than you
can count, steve.
- Wow. 92.
- You are
a stupid mother[bleep].
- Yeah.
Just one more question--
How do we get the car
out of the planetarium?
- [Inhales]
Same way we got
this mother[bleep] in.
[Tires screech]
[Triumphant music]
♪
- [Screams]
- ♪ Brickleberry
[Gentle guitar chords]
- Rangers, listen up.
Today is a historic day.
[Dramatic music]
- The world watches
As man prepares to land
on mars.
- Who cares?
- It's the grand opening
of the hazelhurst mega mall!
500 Stores,
200 different ones!
A gigantic arcade!
The world's largest
food court,
Conveniently located right next
to the lane bryant superstore!
- Oh, my god,
it's got everything I want
And new fat people
to make fun of.
I'll be in the car.
- Oh, cubbsie wubbs,
Everyone knows bears
aren't allowed in malls.
It's like how filipinos
aren't allowed in libraries.
- What?
- We all know they eat paper!
[Paper rustling]
- This new stephen king novel
is terrible!
[Retching]
- As I was saying,
I'm proud to announce
Brickleberry will be playing
an important role
In the upcoming
mars landing.
[All talking excitedly]
- I wish I was going
up there.
I'd get some green p*ssy.
You know that.
- You see, mount brickleberry
is the highest point
In the world.
- That doesn't sound right.
- If it's on the brochure,
it's true!
Anyway, nasa is gonna be
using our park
As a key transmission point
for mission control.
And that means them indians
At the base
of mount brickleberry
Have gotta go.
- But the brochure says
the base of the mountain
Is their ancestral land.
- Yeah, the brochure
also says
We have the highest mountain
in the world.
What are you,
[bleep] stupid?
- You watch
your [bleep] mouth!
I'll rip your g*dd*mn head off,
mother[bleep]!
Uh, sorry, mr. Johnson.
Yeah, I'm stupid.
- Hey, steve,
go tell them savages
They gotta move 'em heap quick.
- You got it, sir.
- Woody, forest resettlement
of native americans
Is just wrong.
- Don't question
the u.s. Government, missy!
They know
what they're doing.
They did a bang-up job
planning 9-11,
Controlling our minds
with fluoride in the water,
And turning
anderson cooper gay!
- Anybody ever say
you're a bit
Of a conspiracy theorist?
- Ah, don't be ridiculous.
- How 'bout that stunt
you pulled
At your nephew's christening?
- I know there's a microphone
in here somewhere.
I know you can hear me,
you soviet bastards.
That's it--
I'm going in after it!
- Woody doesn't know
what he's talking about.
I can go to the mall
if I want to.
- Hold it right there,
buddy.
- Who are you supposed to be?
- I'm todd rollin,
head of mall security.
- Wow!
Head of mall security?
Minimum wage and you get to ride
one of those cool segways?
- You don't sound impressed.
- I'm impressed by the way
you manage
To sweat
on something with wheels.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going into the mall.
- Oh, no, you're not.
Everyone knows bears
aren't allowed in malls.
It's like how malaysians aren't
allowed in shoe stores.
- What?
- We all know
they eat shoelaces.
[Romantic italian music]
- There is some really obscure
racism in this town.
- I am so sorry
to have to tell you this,
But--
Wait, tribal chairman?
You're the indian chief,
right?
- That's a stereotypical thing
to assume.
- How?
- How.
Are you here to push us
off our land?
- [Chuckling]
no, no, no.
I'm not.
I'm here to buy
your land.
$24 In beads sound good?
- We'll take it!
- Not so fast, not-so-fast.
We said we would not make
this mistake again.
You throw in closing costs.
- All right.
You drive a hard bargain.
$26 In beads.
- Nice doing business
with you.
- You guys
are gonna enjoy those.
I tried them out myself.
- What do you mean?
- They're a**l beads.
- Pfft!
- Salutations.
I am mission control
director extraordinaire,
Dr. Kurt thoreau, phd.
- Hi there.
Head ranger excelente
woody johnson,
B-i-g-d-i-c-k.
- And who is this
fetching creature?
- Did you say "fetching"
or "felching"?
- Uh, I'm ethel.
- Do men
with exceptional beards
Make your fish flaps
foamy?
- What?
Oof!
- Show me to my office
at once.
- Well, the only office
in there is mine.
Agh!
Listen here, nas-hole--
I don't know
who you think you are--
Oof!
Right this way.
[Men chanting]
- Steve, thank you
for joining us
For our farewell powwow.
- No problem.
I hope you like the beads.
Oh, yes, wife bury them
where sun don't shine.
In her ass.
- This was a lot of fun.
Thanks for hanging out
with me all night.
- Bros before navajos.
Our medicine man offers you
a bowl of hikuri,
The food of the gods.
Some say it lets you see
the heavens.
Now just take a small sip.
- [Gulping]
- it's very powerful.
- Ahh. What?
[Belches]
- You just had 2,000 hits
of pure peyote.
- It's not affecting me,
ninja t-rex.
- Hoo-ahh!
[Roars]
- [Screaming]
Aaaaaahhhhh!
- I hate white people.
- ♪ Oh, out with the injuns,
in with the spacemen ♪
♪ Nasa's the best,
gonna get us some press ♪
- You should be ashamed
of yourself--
Pushing the native americans
off their land
Just for a little publicity.
- Oh, calm down.
The law of reparations
says they can claim any land
In their former territory
as their own.
Those redskins can basically
live anywhere they want.
- Anywhere they want?
[Flute and drum music]
- Who are you?
- I'm malloy, talking bear.
- I knew his father,
shits-in-woods.
- Listen, my people.
It is time to stop
being pushed around
By the white man
And take the sacred land
that is rightfully ours.
- What sacred land?
[Light music playing]
- [Ululating]
- We bring talking bear
more wampum.
Orange julius
and bounty of cinnabon.
- Don't worry.
I'll use every part
of the cinnabon.
I hope you paid the white man
with much suffering.
- No, we paid
with discover card.
- What?
What kind of indians are you?
- Not the good kind.
Okay, I'm leaving now.
- This is our land.
If we want something
from the white man,
We take it.
- After we ask nicely?
- No! The white man
is our enemy!
He stole our land,
He m*rder*d our people,
And he told us we can't come
into their malls,
Just because we're bears!
- I don't remember
that last part.
- Just go with it.
He's on a roll.
- It's time someone
taught you guys
How to act
like real indians.
[Dramatic music]
- Aah!
- Aah!
♪
[Men whooping]
♪
- Get ready
for magic time, people.
I'll actually be guiding
the astronauts
Down as we speak.
- Mission control,
this is apollo.
We are go for landing
in four...
Three...
Two...
One.
- Extend pods.
And...
Magic!
- And we have touchdown.
- We have landed on mars.
[Cheers]
kurt thoreau, everyone.
- How is steve missing this?
Where the hell is he?
- [Screams]
Get away from me,
Octopus mime!
[Upbeat polka music]
♪
[Screams]
♪
[Truck roars]
[Grunting]
Agh!
Aah!
- I think you'll like
the first words
Man will say on mars.
I composed them myself.
- That was
one small step for man
And one giant--
sh*t!
- [Screams]
[Babbling nonsensically]
[People screaming]
- We can easily
reattach these
As long as we're very,
very careful with them--
Whoa!
[Chuckles]
so that's why
We shouldn't put those
in here.
[Rangers scream]
- Wait a minute.
That fat alien
looks like steve.
- That fat alien is steve.
- How'd steve get to mars?
- Steve isn't on mars.
[Gasps]
that means the mars landing--
- It's all a g*dd*mn fake!
[Laughs]
I knew it!
We're ass-deep in the biggest
conspiracy ever!
- Guards, seize them!
- Oh, what?
You actors
gonna hold us hostage
With a bunch of
phony prop g*ns?
Wow, that's realistic.
Fake brains too.
- [Babbling and laughing]
- Um, uh, mission control,
What the hell do we do?
- You're actors.
Improvise.
- Holy moly,
it's a genuine...
Alien.
- [Babbling]
Ughhh....
- Oh, I can't breathe...
In this space air.
- I'll save you.
- Ughhh! Uhhhh!
- Well, it's not
what I planned.
It's better.
I didn't just fake
a mars landing.
I faked a martian.
You see?
I'm not just kurt thoreau,
rocket scientist.
I'm also kurt thoreau,
Master showman and director!
I'll bet the ratings will top
Our fake lunar landing
in '69.
- So you're saying
that neil armstrong--
- Was an alcoholic
out of work birthday clown
Before I discovered him.
- So you're saying
all government employees
Are actors?
I'm a government employee.
Am I an actor?
Are there cameras here?
Are people watching me
right now?
Who am I kidding?
10:30 On tuesday night.
Nobody's watching this sh*t.
- Only nasa knows.
No one else.
Not even the president.
After this mission is over,
I'm throwing you all
in space prison.
- Yay!
Is that like space camp?
- Yes, but with just
a tad more r*pe.
[Dramatic music]
- The hazelhurst mega mall
is currently under siege
By a group of indians
and a small bear.
But who gives a sh*t
about that?
We've got martian updates.
In a shocking move,
for purposes of research,
Dr. Kurt thoreau
has ordered the astronauts
To bring the martian
back to our planet.
- Roger, mission control.
We have subdued the martian
with, uh,
Alien-holding space rope.
- Vroom, vroom, vroom!
Vroom!
[Mimics rocket noises]
- I hope they make it back okay.
- Hey, guard, can you sh**t
this fat, dumb bitch?
- The capsule will be touching
down any minute now.
But be warned--
when it enters the atmosphere,
It will make a brilliant flash!
Everyone, close your eyes or it
will instantly blind you.
Ker-splash!
It's here.
You can open your eyes.
Smiles, everyone.
We're about to greet
a friend from another world.
[Lenses clicking]
- Wh--where am i?
Why am I covered in mud
and naked?
This hasn't happened
since space camp.
- Uh, we must
get him into isolation
Before our earth atmosphere
of .7
Gives him acute failure of--
He's going to eat our dicks!
- ♪ Bring it on
- Marshmallow peeps
and cadbury egg
Now property
of chief talking bear.
- Hey, those are for the kids.
[Ululating]
- You were right.
Taking land
and k*lling white man is fun.
- You know, you guys
have come a long way.
- We should have embraced our
stereotype many years ago.
- Uh-uh-uh-uh.
- Uh, many moons ago.
- Listen, you.
This is a mall.
You can't live here.
I'm giving you one hour
to vacate
And get rid
of all the horseshit.
- I can't control what
panda express puts on its menu.
- Get out now!
- You have dishonored my people
long enough, todd.
We will fight for our land!
[Ululating]
- Can someone please tell me
Where the pepperidge farm
kiosk is?
I smell pennies all of a sudden.
- So this is my
secret government base.
Any drips from the tap?
- Just tell me what you plan
to do with steve.
- Oh. We won't hurt him.
[Electricity crackles]
- [screams]
- Why are you doing
experiments on him?
Hey, I thought
you were all actors.
- Oh, he's not an actor.
He's one of america's
top scientists.
Fooled by my magic like everyone
else in the country!
- When are you
gonna let steve go?
- I'm afraid I can't do that.
If anyone finds out
he's not a real alien
My career will be over.
I'll be convicted of fraud.
- What do you mean?
- I mean your friend will
not leave this base alive.
Ever!
- Now, it's time for the
bowling pin in the anus test.
- [Screams]
- ♪ Bring it on
[Ululating]
- We've got them on the run.
- There they are
at the last custard stand!
[Ululating continues]
- [Groans]
Yay!
Agh!
- I can't believe they're doing
Those painful experiments
on steve.
- Well, after
a childhood like his,
It's probably the only way
he can climax.
- That's you, woody.
- Yeah, that--that is me.
- We can't let them
do this to steve.
We need a plan to rescue him.
- Thoreau has his eyes
on steve 24/7.
We need to distract him
so we can bust steve out.
- But how?
- Ethel, you can do it.
- How am I supposed to
distract him?
- I've got an idea.
- Three, two, and one.
We have contact.
- Do you have to
narrate everything?
- Affirmative.
Rotating thruster 30 degrees.
Open the pod bay doors.
Docking in 59...58..57...56.
- [Groans]
Ugh, I hope what I just did
was worth--
- Yahtzee!
- What the hell
are you guys doing?
Did you rescue steve?
- What?
That was tonight?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Guess we got caught up
playing--yahtzee!
I'm on a roll!
- So I just slept with
A disgusting assh*le douchebag
for nothing?
Isn't anyone gonna
say anything?
- Uh, well, normally this is
where malloy would jump in
With something like,
"yeah, but how's that different
From your typical tuesday?"
[Laughs]
- No, I think it'd be more like,
"you did it for nothing?
Usually you get taco bell
out of it."
- Or something like,
"disgusting assh*le?
You mean you finally
slept with connie?"
- Oh, yeah, that's it.
- [Laughs]
slut.
- Oh, yeah, yuk it up.
I just banged a guy
who calls his penis
"The uss enter-thighs."
- Man, what a loser.
Naming his junk after star trek.
Ain't that right, hung solo?
- Sorry, ethel.
We can't get past the guards.
- Steve is in real danger here.
Kurt can't hide him forever.
And if he lets him go,
nasa will be exposed.
- So do you think
he's gonna k*ll steve?
- I don't know, but if he does,
I bet it'll
be a ratings bonanza.
- I am sorry to report
That the martian
has contracted an earth virus.
And he appears to be...dying!
- Dr. Thoreau, can you tell us
what disease it is?
- He's got whatever made e.t.
All white and dried out
and gross.
- How much time
does the alien have left?
- Impossible to predict,
But he'll definitely be dead
before primetime tonight.
- Tonight at 9:00, live on pbs!
Witness history as we show you
a real live alien autopsy!
- Oh, my god.
- Yes, we'll finally get to see
what's inside a mexican!
- Okay, so poof,
we get in, grab steve,
And then poof, we out.
- Well, does anybody have a plan
That doesn't involve
nightcrawler from the x-men?
Or any of the other x-men?
- We need to get serious.
His autopsy's only
a couple of hours away.
- Yeah, and with, like,
an hour for dinner and dessert,
That won't leave us much time.
- We'd need an army
to take thoreau down.
That's it!
Okay, I've got a plan,
But we need to
get past the guards.
- We need to bribe them
or something
So they'll let us go.
- What the hell are we gonna
Bribe a bunch of
hollywood actors with?
- I've got an idea.
- Why the hell
did I agree to this?
- And that's why
we need your help.
- Why would my people help
the white man and denzel?
- Look, we need an army
to help us rescue steve.
If you help us,
we'll give you your land back.
- That sounds like a great idea.
- No!
That place was a sh*thole!
How could we leave
our beautiful land?
- Our land
not so beautiful anymore.
- g*dd*mn [bleep] indians!
- Yes!
It's still here!
- Pbs alien autopsy live
Is brought to you
by lane bryant.
Covering up fat chicks so
You don't have to look at them.
- Now we don't know what organs
this alien will have.
His chest cavity could be full
of facehuggers or candy.
Well, let's find out.
- [Groans]
[Thud]
ah!
- Attention, earth.
You have abducted
one of our martian people.
We demand his immediate--
- Hey, ma, look at your boy!
I'm on tv!
Hey, yo, I wanna give a shout
to my cool friends g*ng,
My cousin kinishia--
I love you, baby.
Deshawn.
Stay your dumb ass in school.
My boy, burbel.
Hey, what's up, boy?
Whatcha doing?
Hey, charles,
gimme my tires back, man!
- Denzel!
- What's happening?
Switch it off.
Switch it off!
- I'm trying, dr. Thoreau.
I can't.
It's like they
tapped into our feed.
- If you do not return our
brother safely to our planet
You will face the wrath
of our martian army.
[Ululating]
- And then you will
be jupiter fisted to death
By our hideous space monster.
- [Roars]
[Crowd screams]
- Trying to b*at me
at my own game, eh?
I'll show them.
Doctor, operate!
- But I don't want to get
jupiter fisted to death.
I don't even know what that is,
But my first three guesses
are horrible.
- Oh, fine.
I'll do it.
- Sir, it's the president.
- Hello?
Mr. President?
I understand that you don't
Wanna get jupiter fisted
to death, sir, but--
As you wish, sir.
That's a wrap.
- On behalf of earth people,
I hereby return
your space brother.
- Hey, until further notice,
this invasion is over.
[Crowd cheers]
- Welcome back, steve.
- No!
Don't leave me
with these martians!
Take me back to earth!
- What the [bleep]?
[Drumming and flute music]
- If you can't take
the reservation to the mall,
Take the mall
to the reservation.
- How.
- What do you mean "how"?
We already did it.
- Oh, you're going away
for a long time.
You'll be doing a ten-year
production of backside story.
[Laughs]
Woody johnson, everybody.
- It was all worth it.
We almost got better ratings
Than that betty white
prank show.
- Hey, that's my favorite show.
It makes me laugh hard
and get hard.
- Hey, watch the cape.
- I can't believe everything
we know about space is a lie.
Do you ever think we'll find out
what's really out there?
- I don't know, steve.
But I know
what I'd like it to be.
[Exotic dance music]
♪
- [Screams]
[Upbeat music]
♪
02x11 - Trip to Mars
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Series follows a group of park rangers as they work through their daily lives in the fictional Brickleberry National Park.
Series follows a group of park rangers as they work through their daily lives in the fictional Brickleberry National Park.