01x16 - The Dreamland Job

[bunniefuu]

Hey!

Ah! Toasty, drunken slumber.
And here come the spins.

Whee! Whee! Whee!

Make way for the pants-wearing princess.
Rolling through.

Doesn't know how good she's got it.
Stand back.

You put me in a drunkard's cloak?

Sorry, Princess. Orders of your pa.

He figured he'd shame you into sobriety.

Of course, these public humiliations
only lead to more transgressive behavior.

Your fancy barrels can't hold me.

Oh, no!

Me-flavored water, 15 cents.

Hey, girly! This is my corner!
Roll along now! Git!

Me-flavored water, 15 cents.
Come taste my buttocks!

I think the afternoon tax haul
is even more impressive

than this morning's, Your Majesty.

We've finally got money
to put in the vault,

since I spent all that money
putting in the vault.

Ow.

Oh. Hello, Bean. Learn your lesson?

You know perfectly well
you can't teach me a damn thing.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Oh, shut up, Odval. I'm sick of you
coming between me and my dad.

Sire, shall I come between you?
Oh! Here comes a barrel plank.

And I'm sick of being treated
like a second-class citizen

who you can strong-arm into submission.

Here are the taxes
we coerced from the elves.

I'm not mad, but your timing is awful.

Goodbye, everyone.

Ugh! You're pathetic. I am so over you.

Missed me. Too slow!

I need beer!

Shut up!
Luci's about to arm-wrestle Mumbles

to try and win the whole bar.

On the count of three, ready?

One, two, three.

Yes!

All hail Luci, our new bar owner!

Wow, Luci, you won the bet,
and you barely cheated.

You know, I've always wanted
to slowly poison people.

- Drink up, degenerates!
- Yeah!

I hate Zog!

Down with Zog!

He's worse than that raccoon
that terrorized us for five years.

What's with all the cute booing?

Nothing. Zog's just been taxing the elves
to the point they're starving to death,

but please, tell us more
about your princess problems.

Ugh! He thinks he can do
whatever he wants!

That is how kings work.

He's nothing but a bully and a thief.

He's just stockpiling money
in his stupid vault.

How would he like it
if someone stole it all back from him?

Word on the street is you need
to get some money out of a stupid vault.

Name's Grifto.
And I know a thing or two about stealing.

My change purse! You're good.

- Here's your shoes.
- Whoa! And you polished 'em?

I am an elf. Me and my friends,
we fix all kinds of things.

Shoes, belts, economic injustice, sandals.
I'll introduce you.

Now, heisting a castle
is not your everyday windowsill pie grab.

We're gonna need specialists.
Meet Pyro, master of fire.

Whoa.

I live a life of flame
and constant indigestion.

This is Shelly, world's strongest elf.

I'm also strong on the inside.
Single mom to two absolute treasures.

And this is Elastico, king of contortion.

That's disgusting.

Meet Slappo, the beast whisperer.

I show 'em who's boss
with a slap of my hand.

We got someone for every eventuality.

Wow. I'm sold.

As long as
you don't have a Snitcho.

We don't joke about Snitcho.

Okay, get ready. Here we go.

Here you go, Pickle Puss.
One hot-buttered milk.

Hope you choke on it!

You take chocolate coins?
It's all I have left.

Taken advantage of by the Man, huh?
That's rough.

Let's see. At today's exchange rate,

for one Zog, I'm gonna need
70 chocolate coins.

So, what can I get a lightweight like you?

How about a sh*t
of hundred-proof demon spit?

Whiskey, triple.

All right,
an elf finally orders a real drink.

That'll put hair on your chest, my man.

Oh.

- What'd I say?
- Elves can't grow body hair.

On the plus side,
we're always bikini ready.

Can I get drunk
from a shrimp cocktail?

I sure have.

Oh, God.

Bean, did anything happen to you today?
Anything at all?

Nothing out of the ordinary,
but I saw a circus in town.

It was pretty cool.

So I was scheming...
I mean, I was planning...

I mean, I was just thinking,

maybe we could have the circus
come here to perform?

I don't know. A circus?
That's a lot of paying attention.

We could have my harpsichord group
perform, the Harpsichordicats!

No! I mean, maybe next week.

The circus is only in town until tomorrow,

and the Harpsichordicats
are always available,

'cause they're just cats
that live in a harpsichord.

I choose the circus.

And as for the harpsichord,
we'll cut it in half.

Oh, my gosh,
we're really doing this?

We're going to steal from your dad?

I can't go to jail, Bean.

Don't worry, we're not gonna go to jail.

If he catches us, he'll k*ll us first.
We'll be fine as long as we stay calm.

For my next number, I'd like to play

"Sonata in G for Harpsichord
and Three Agitated Cats."

Hey, I wanna tell you folks,
you're the absolute worst.

You don't tip, and the owner is a jerk.

Closing time! Get out, you bastards!

I hope there's an after-hour jam session.
I wanna sit in.

I don't care for music.

Aw.

The castle plans. My father remodels
every time he gets stuck in a door.

Okay.

Now, the only way to the vault
is through a heavily-defended hallway here

directly under the throne room,
right here,

then over a deep booby-trapped moat,

through a giant guarded and locked door
right here and into the vault,

as you can see right here,

which I hear has
a state-of-the-art alarm system.

Then, we gotta get the money out.

Oh, I don't know.
This looks upside down to me.

Don't worry about it. You just get us
in the castle past the guards,

and we'll handle the rest.
Then we'll rendezvous back here.

Forget the guards. The hardest part
is going to be getting past my dad.

Get it? 'Cause he's so big?

Like... He's like a fat man.

I'm kidding. I joke when I'm nervous.

I'm actually really scared
of the situation.

Don't worry, honey. We're all a team here.
We're rootin' for ya.

Blow this and I will turn on you so fast.

Oh, boy,
a circus right here in the castle!

And we don't even have to get off
our fat asses.

I'm gonna give a running commentary
of everything I see.

Dad, be quiet. It's starting.

Don't worry. We'll all be
in and out of here in less than an hour.

But my memories will last a lifetime.

Welcome, welcome, welcome
to Master Grifto's Flimflam Circus!

Prepare to be amazed, dazzled,
dare I say, blindsided?

Because tonight is a special night!

The show we've got planned
is fit only for a king.

Wow!

Whoo!

Okay, yeah,
that's pretty good, I guess. Sure.

- Are you freakin' kiddin' me with that?
- They are freakin' kiddin' you with this!

Whoa, whoa...

This guy right there!

Pull!

Missed. Missed. Missed.

Ow!

Whoo.

That's disgusting.

Seems a little lackluster, no?

He's not as talented as the others.

Maybe he's a cousin.

Mmm. Mmm-hmm.

Everything's on schedule.
Slight hiccup, they k*lled Slappo.

- What?
- I know! How'd they do it?

What happened to Slappo? Oh, my God!

Everything's fine. It's fine.

No, it isn't! Someone's dead!
How are you so calm?

This is who I am now.
This is who you've made me.

You've gotten us into so many
life-threatening scenarios,

my body no longer registers fear.

- Run on upstairs, Bean.
- But...

Skedaddle.

- Tiabeanie.
- Damn it.

Explain yourself. And them.
And the guy on the floor.

- Now.
- Um...

I'm reaching for my hand bell.

Well, see... Okay.

Here's the thing...
that I wanted you to know,

which is... I'm sorry!

Ow! That apology
doesn't seem very sincere.

Dang, I went too far.

Have you ever in your life
seen anything like this? Amazing!

- So, you like the elves now?
- How could I not? So impressive!

Beanie, this show has me thinkin'.

I shouldn't be taxing those poor elves
the way I've been doin'.

They're not a burden on the kingdom,
they're a g*dd*mn delight.

So I'm gonna give them back their money.
Every last bit.

Wait, what?

I thought I was doing something bad
for a good reason,

but it turns out
I was just doing somethin' bad, you know?

Mmm-hmm. Yeah, I'm familiar.
Would you please excuse me for a moment?

Guys! Guys!

My dad wants to give all the money
back to the elves!

We have to call it off!
Wait, what the hell is going on?

The thing is, Princess, we don't care
about no stinkin' elves. We're trolls.

You were faking it? Why?

We run scams all over the place.
And when I overheard you at the bar,

I knew this would be
our greatest scam of all.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm needed upstairs for the grand finale.

Too bad you and your little friend here
are gonna miss it.

Shelly?

You'll never get away with this,
you tiny little...

- My goodness, you're a strong lady.
- Thank you. I've been through a lot.

- Bean?
- What, Elfo?

One time I got in trouble,

and Daddy Elfo
tied me up like this, and um...

he slapped me on the bum-bum.

Why are you
bringing this up right now?

Well, folks, it's been a real pleasure.

I hope you enjoyed your time
with us tonight.

Three, two, one!

Don't let this reflect badly
on the performing arts.

- Where's Bean and Elfo?
- They chickened out.

I knew it. Can't trust anybody these days.

That was a wonderful finale.

Listen to all them bells.
The whole castle is happy.

Tiabeanie, every princess dreams
of the moment

she gets rescued by a handsome knight.
Your moment is now.

Ugh. How long you been waitin'
to use that line?

Two weeks.
I've been taking seduction classes.

- Dude, just untie me.
- Okay.

All right, that's the last of it.
Quite the haul.

Gonna help a lot of elves with all this.

Yeah, helping elves.
That's what it's all about.

I pride myself on knowing people,
and I can tell you're a good guy, Grifto.

Yeah, and you're a real nice...
What are you, like an aardvark?

Don't you worry, we'll make sure
these coins get to the right place.

Y'all come back now, you hear?

No! They got away? They got away!

Sure did. So many bags of coins.

Can't believe they all fit
in the carriage.

Bad guys, they...

My God, I rode a horse.
Why am I breathing like I ran here?

Well, which way did they go?
Maybe we can still catch them.

Yes! And we'll cut off their heads

and parade them through the street
as a warning!

Good God.

No need. They're already gone.

Yeah, I bet at this very moment,

they're kicking back
and having a good laugh at you suckers.

Is he mocking us?

Yes, but when he puts his hand on his hip,
he's usually making a point.

Please let there be a point.

Yep, they'll be laughing right up
until the moment...

"E pluribus num num"?

No!

...they realize I swapped out
their gold coins for chocolate ones.

What? How did you know?

The coins only look the same
on the outside, Bean.

Once you gnaw through the gold wrapping,
it's pretty obvious.

I mean how did you know
they were conning us?

Well, any good mixologist knows
an elf would never order hard liquor.

Whiskey, triple.

And then an elf tells you
he doesn't like music?

I don't care for music.

I played it cool, but in my head,
I was like, "What?"

And then, I was cleanin' up the bathrooms
at the end of my shift,

in the biz, we call that "side work,"

when I found a razor in the sink
with chest hair on it.

Well, guess who was the last one
to go in there?

- So what?
- Elves can't grow body hair!

It's why I don't shower
in the locker room.

Boom! And that's when I knew.

These guys weren't elves,

- they were dwarves.
- Trolls.

Oh. Well, I was still right on about them
playing you, so I switched the coins.

It's all here.
Except for a little off the top.

Service charge.

- This is amazing! Luci, you're a hero!
- Well, I don't know about that.

Okay, he's just a little uncomfortable
with praise, so let's move on.

We gotta get the money to the elves.
Let's keep it movin'.

Steal from the jerks! Give to the wimps!

Sh-Sh-Shut up!

I don't want people finding out
how we got the money.

Oh. Right, right, right.

Tax rebates
for every wimp! From King Zog!

Long live Zog! Long live Zog!
Long live Zog!

Sire, I have something important
to tell you.

Not now, I'm being adored.

Look at 'em down there,
loving their generous king.

I did a nice thing for the people.
I'm a very good king.

But you didn't do anything.
You just watched a circus.

Get a barrel, Odval.