01x13 - January 27, 1999

[bunniefuu]

Welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway?.

On tonight`s show: I knew you`d come crawling back, Wayne Brady.

Haven`t you hurt me enough? Denny Siegel.

I should have changed the locks, Colin Mochrie.

And I told you never to call me again, Ryan Stiles.

And l`m Drew Carey, your host.

Come on down.

Let`s have some fun.

Hey.

Hello.

Welcome.

Welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway?.

The show that asks the question "Whose line is it anyway? " If you never saw the show before, here`s how it works.

These performers have to make up skits based on suggestions on cards that they`ve never seen and suggestions from the audience.

They make it up off the top of their heads.

It`s really fun.

At the end of every little game that we play we award points that don`t matter at all.

And at the end of the show, I pick a winner.

And they get to do a little something with me.

And, well, off camera or on camera, it`s still fun.

First game we`re gonna play is Questions Only.

It`s for all of you.

Denny and Wayne, they`re gonna start a scene but they can only speak in questions.

If one of them goes wrong, l`llhit the buzzer.

The person behind them will take their place.

We`ll see who do`s the best-- Who do`s the best.

We`ll see who-- We`ll seewho does the best at this.

Your scene is "Trouble breaks out in a Wild West saloon.

" Trouble breaks out in a Wild West saloon.

Questions only.

Go ahead.

Bang, bang! Can you dance for me, girl? Can I dance? -How do you like them apples? -What the hell you call that? You think you can just come in here and scare me? You don`t think I seen tougher types than you come in my bar? Don`t you want a real man? Hee-hee-hee! Have you got the time? Have I got the time? Would you happen to know where the O.

K.

Corral is? What kind of pansy Englishman are you? Y`all from around these parts? You shut up.

-How`s it going? -Any requests? -What are you playing? -"Do You Know the Way to San Jose? " How does that go? I.

I can`t do it.

Can you help me if I told you I got the bandit tied up in my bedroom? What? Do you know how to undo a knot made from a bathrobe cord? -Do you mean the hangman knot? -ls there any other worth doing? Do I look like a Boy Scout? Yes, you do.

Do you know? Can you do it on-key? What key would you like it in? G or F? Have you seen that woman who hog-tied me upstairs? What`s she look like? What`s she look like? Would you believe that she`s about 5-foot-1 0 with a goatee? You talking about Mr.

Kitty? Do you know her? Doesn`t everyone in this town know her? Can you let me get a g*n so I can go after her? What kind of g*n you got? Big one.

Okay.

That was great.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

I think l`ll award 1 00 points to Ryan for his fine impression of a piano player.

Yeah.

This next game is called Song Styles.

This is for Wayne with the help of Laura Hall on the piano.

Laura Hall! Watch out.

Coming right behind the-- Pardon me.

-Behind the camera, what`s your name? WOMAN: Marie.

Marie.

Do you have any hobbies? What do you do? -Step aerobics.

-Step aerobics.

Oh, that`s better than reading or anything.

Come here.

Have a seat.

Nice to meet you.

Wayne, this is Marie.

She likes to step dance and aerobicize.

You`re gonna sing a song about Marie, who likes to dance and you`ll be singing in the style of Prince.

Whoo! Let me tell you something I think you have a rep I seen you in aerobic class Going up and down your step Ooh! You look so good Your body you can `t hide I like the way That you step from side to side That is right I want you even more I want you to do your calisthenics Across the floor Come on and dance for me I want you to dance for me I seen you dancing from side to side When I said I didn `t like the way You danced, I lied You make me go: You come on and dance Dance with me Dance with me And then just dance Dance Come on and dance Let`s dance Dance Now take a little chance Put on your pointy shoes And kick away your blues And just dance I said, D-A-N-C- m-E Oww! Thank you, Wayne.

Thank you.

Marie! Ooh! Oh, man.

I`d give points, but l`m never gonna get that screech out of my head.

Oh, Drew.

Man, oh, man.

Now let`s go on to a game I love-- One of my favorite games.

--called Dead Bodies.

This is for Ryan, Colin and Denny.

What we`re gonna do.

I`m way over to here.

-Can you pretend to be dead? -Oh, my-- Come here.

You`re gonna pretend to be dead.

-Okay.

Come on up.

What`s your name? -Mary.

Come up and meet Colin and Ryan and the g*ng.

What`s gonna happen, Mary, is you`re gonna have to pretend to be dead.

And because the idea is that you and Ryan are-- Come to a theater to act out a scene and you`ve d*ed.

But the show has to go on so Colin is gonna act out the scene as if you`re not dead.

And then Denny`s gonna enter the scene later and die.

So you`re all dead, so go limp like you`re dead.

Limper.

More limp.

Oh, yeah.

There you go.

Colin, this is the scene you`re acting out.

This is a scene that was deleted from The Graduate.

"Mrs.

Rob--" You`re dead.

Don`t smile, you`re dead.

Dead people don`t laugh.

"Mrs.

Robinson is seducing Benjamin when her daughter comes in.

" Bend your.

MOCHRlE: Hello, Benjamin.

I`m so glad you came over.

I`m having trouble with my cable.

I believe you`re trying to seduce me, Mrs.

Robinson.

Mom, can I borrow the--? What`s going on here? I can`t believe, Mom, that you`re here with my boyfriend.

Huh? Now, let`s all act like adults.

Let`s just-- "Act like adults"? You`re stealing my boyfriend! There`s enough of me for everybody.

Benjamin, it`s time for you to make a choice.

Yes, a choice.

Eenie, meenie, minie, mo.

Whoever gives me the deepest, longest kiss that will determine who I will stay with.

All right.

Sounds good.

Hey! Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah! Mary.

How about it for Mary? Mary.

That was great.

Hey, we`re gonna go see a commercial.

When we come back, we`ll have lots more Whose Line Is It Anyway?.

Welcome back to Whose Line Is It Anyway?.

If you`re thinking of cuddling with the wife I want you to remember this face: Okay, lots of luck to you.

Now let`s play a game called Sound Effects.

This is for Colin and Ryan.

What`s gonna happen is Colin`s gonna improvise a scene.

He`s gonna have to respond to sound effects made by Ryan.

And, Colin, your scene is: "You`re a hairdresser on a busy day.

Your colleagues have all phoned in sick.

" So whenever you`re ready, go.

Aah! Oohh.

Unh! Ahh.

Mmm.

Ohh.

Unh! Well, I think somebody has a little anger for places that cut your hair.

Let`s go on to a game called Weird Newscasters.

This is for all four of you.

On this game, Denny, you`re anchor of a news show.

Local news program, with the help of Colin, Wayne and Ryan.

Colin, you`re the co-anchor.

Colin, you`ll be acting out scenes from a soap opera.

Doing sports is Wayne.

Wayne, you`re a middle-aged woman who`s proud of her body.

I am.

And, Ryan, you`re gonna do the weather.

Ryan, you`re Tarzan sensing that your woman is in danger.

So whenever you hear the music, Denny, go ahead and start the show.

Hello, and welcome to the 6:00 evening news.

I`m your anchor Ling-Ling and I feel most comfortable in a leafy environment.

Our top story tonight: Automakers have found that people who believe in reincarnation are less likely to wear a seat belt.

And now for more news, over to my co-anchor, Rusty Nail.

Rusty? How can you be so calm, Ling-Ling while you`re carrying my baby? I`m not even sure if it is my baby.

It could be my brother, Roger`s the aerobics instructor with a difference.

My God, doesn`t it matter that I have a rare tropical disease? That l`m slowly--? Where am l? Thank you very much, Rusty.

And now, on to sports with our sports guy, Rusty Bumper.

Rusty, over to you.

Hello.

Hello.

In sports today, the Rams are doing it and doing it well, as L.

L.

would say.

The important thing about these guys is they`re in shape, just like me.

Who would have thunk? Fifteen kids, and damn, look at that.

That`s what l`m talking about.

Thank you, Rusty.

This just in: I feel that much worse about my big, old flabby butt.

And now over to the weather with Rusty Can.

Rusty? Hm? Rain come weekend, make thing wet.

Monday, sun come out, make thing warm, dry up.

Jane trouble.

Jane! Jane! Jane! Jane! Angry giraffe take Jane.

Ahh! Me got Jane.

Oh, no Jane.

Ugly man.

Thank you, Rusty.

That`s all the time we have for the 6:00 news.

Join us later at 1 1 and good night.

I`m gonna give 1 00 points to the people sitting behind me because they look so perky.

Now let`s play a game called Hoedown.

Everybody`s favorite game.

They love the hoedown.

They love the hoedown, boys.

What I need from the audience: A suggestion of a major event in your life.

Wedding! Birth! Birth.

Birth was the good one.

I like that one.

So let`s hear the birth hoedown.

Thank goodness for my mom That I was made It was 27 years ago that my dad got laid That`s right, you see Upon closer inspection I`m standing here `Cause she didn `t use protection When a woman gives birth Her man is filled with pride All through the delivery He stands right by her side But nine times out of 1 0 She`ll say to him, "You jerk! You got to do the fun part And now I do all the work " Ellen is my wife The other day she gave birth It was the most beautiful thing On this god`s Earth When I saw her do it I said, "Oh, my God, dear Ellen Looking from this angle Looks like a straw passing a melon " I came out of my mother A t exactly 1 0 to 5 Everyone screamed and ran And yelled, "It`s alive!" I can `t really blame them I guess it was kind of scary Everyone tells me I resemble Drew Carey We`re gonna go to commercial, find out who the winner is and then we`re gonna do something with me when we come back with more Whose Line Is It Anyway?.

I`m gonna k*ll Ryan is what l`m gonna do.

Hey, welcome back to Whose Line Is It Anyway?.

Tonight`s winners: Ryan Stiles and Colin Mochrie.

How about it? Ryan and Colin.

Oh, it`s amazing.

And, Wayne, you`re gonna tell us our scene.

We`re gonna do Stand, Sit and Bend.

One of us must always be standing one must be sitting, one must be bending.

If anybody changes positions, the other guys have to make it up.

-Wayne, what`s our scene? -"Drew and Ryan two Cleveland lndians fans, have turned up at the game to find that Colin, a rival fan, is sitting in Ryan`s seat.

" Uh, excuse me.

Ryan, isn`t that your seat right there? Oh, I don`t feel so-- -Go! Go! Go! -Who you rooting for anyway, pal? -The other guys.

We`re all Cleveland fans here, buddy! Cleveland fans! Yeah, that`s right.

We don`t cotton to you Canadians coming over here.

-Oh, yeah? -Yeah.

-Oh, yeah? -Yeah.

Well, kiss this.

-Maybe I don`t wanna kiss that.

-Yeah? -l`m gonna knock your block off.

MOCHRlE: Ooh! Oh, yeah? That`s my seat.

I`m not moving.

-Oh, yeah? -Yeah.

What if I make you? Give me that.

-l`ll take this one.

-What are you gonna do? -Sit here.

-l`ll sit here.

Jerry, I got a plan.

Maybe we can get this guy out by buying him off.

I don`t like your plan.

I didn`t have it.

-I don`t like your plan.

-That was my plan, don`t you remember? Well, let me think about it.

Oh, well, l`m just gonna get a hot dog.

-Did you see that? -What? -My gosh.

-Did you see? -The best play ever! -I can`t believe it.

-Oh, my gosh! -Come on! Come on! That`s it.

We`ll see you later.

Thanks for watching Whose Line Is It Anyway?.

Good night.