01x18 - March 10, 1999

[bunniefuu]

CAREY: Good evening and welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway?.

On tonight`s program, twist and shout, it`s Wayne Brady.

She came in through the bathroom window, Denny Siegel.

Anytime at all, Colin Mochrie.

And P.

S.

I love you, Ryan Stiles.

I`m your host, Drew Carey.

Come on down, let`s have some fun.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

And Welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway?.

The show where everything`s made up and points don`t matter.

If you never saw the show what happens is these people are gonna make up stuff based on suggestions from the audience and suggestions that we have on these blue cards that they`ve never seen.

At the end of each game, we`ll give them points.

They don`t mean a thing.

At the end of the show, I pick the people out I like the best and they get to play-- They get to play a little game with me.

[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG]

I won`t tell you what the game is because sometimes we can`t air it.

We`ll start with the game called Questions Only.

This is for all of you.

Denny and Wayne, you`ll start.

They`re gonna start a scene, but all they`re allowed to do is speak in questions.

I`ll buzz if somebody doesn`t-- Forgets to ask a question and the other person will take their place.

And the scene is, you`re at a singles bar right before closing.

Questions Only.

Go ahead.

Wanna go home? You talking to me? Is there anybody else here as good-looking as you? Is there anyone here as repulsively drunk as you? Can`t you cut me a break? Shut up-- [BUZZER SOUNDS]

Where did you come from? Is that any way to talk to a lady? [AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG AND CHEERlNG]

You wanna kiss me? Who doesn`t? Care to take your big swipe at these luscious love cushions? Do you wanna boogie? All night long? Have you heard that song? Heard it--? [BUZZER SOUNDS]

May I see some lD? Don`t I look old enough to drink? Don`t you know the drinking age is 47 here? -Does it matter that l`m Canadian? -You`re Canadian? Can`t you tell? Have you ever heard of a town called Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan? Isn`t that right beside Left Noob? [AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG]

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG]

Would you be interested in hearing that l`ve got a Canadian fetish? What`s your sign? [BUZZER SOUNDS]

Still here? Is it all right if I have a parrot? What`s his name? Why do you ask? Are you aware that he just went on your shoulder? Don`t you know that`s good luck? Oh, is it? Don`t you read books? -Do you wanna dance? -Yeah.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

Get out of here.

Okay, that`s it right there.

We`ll stop it.

Well, minus 1 00 to Ryan for cheating.

And an extra hundred to Colin for saying "Left Noob.

" I gotta go to Left Noob, Canada.

Sounds like a fun place to go to.

Okay, let`s go on to a game called Song Styles.

This is for Wayne with Laura Hall on the piano.

How about Laura Hall.

[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG AND APPLAUDlNG]

CAREY: I need to go out into the audience.

I have my eye on you, sir.

Can you come out? What`s your name? -Dennis.

Dennis.

-Dennis? -What do you do for a living? -Engineer.

You`re an engineer? Okay, come on down, Dennis.

And say hi to Wayne.

Dennis claims to be an engineer.

I don`t know what he does really, but you`ll be singing to him in the style of a `60s girl group.

He`s probably wondering if this is the first time we brought out a man instead of a woman.

[SlNGlNG]

I`m Lawanda [lN DEEP VOlCE]

I`m Lavoris I`m Lequisha And we`re here to sing for you Right, girls? That`s right Sing Ooh, from the very start I want a man who could build A bridge to my heart And it`s you Uh-huh I said it`s you Tell him, girl [lN DEEP VOlCE]

I never had a man like you before No, no I never had a man Who could build a house and a door No, no You must have gone to school For a long time But now you`re here, You`re mine all mine And it`s my privilege I know that you are gonna build a bridge [lN NORMAL VOlCE]

He`s gonna build a bridge to my heart He`s gonna build it Gonna build a bridge to my heart Gonna sing it Gonna build a bridge [lN DEEP VOlCE]

You`re gonna build a bridge to my heart We love you.

[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG AND APPLAUDlNG]

Thank you, Dennis.

Thank you, Dennis.

Thanks very much.

That`s what l`m talking about.

CAREY: Thanks, Dennis.

Okay, 1 5 hundred million points for Dennis.

All the points you need, buddy.

Buy yourself a house.

BRADY: Hey, Drew.

Yeah, I am every woman.

Yeah, you are.

Now let`s go on to a game called News Flash.

This is for Ryan, Denny and Colin.

Ryan and Denny, you`re gonna be two news anchors.

Colin, you`re gonna be in the field as the field reporter.

Covering a breaking news story.

The problem is he can`t see what`s behind him on the screen.

Only we can see it here in the studio on the monitors there.

You can see it at home.

He has to guess what`s behind him and where he is.

Whenever you guys are ready, start the scene.

-ls it easier if you`re drunk first? -Yeah, I usually feel better-- Oh! We interrupt this program for a special news bulletin.

I`m Jim Furley.

And l`m Covered In Fur.

We`re going now to the scene live with our news action reporter, Colin Mochrie.

Colin, can you hear us? Yes, I can.

[AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG]

As you can see, things have quieted down a bit.

But about an hour ago, it was just nuts.

SlEGEL: You know, I never-- I never believed I would see this, but l`m starting to believe it now.

I tell you, I couldn`t believe my eyes.

-I still can`t.

STlLES: Colin.

Colin.

What--? What started the whole thing here? How did this start up? Well, as far as I can tell, it all started with a price check.

And then, I don`t know how it escalated to this.

But I haven`t seen this much action since my wedding night.

[AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG]

SlEGEL: Colin.

Colin.

There`s some concern that children are watching and this could be scarring.

Do you have any advice? Well, we all have to grow up sometime.

[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG]

Better they see it for themselves rather than learn about it on the streets.

STlLES: So, Colin, have you had a chance to sit on any knees and get any interviews with anyone? Pardon? [CAREY AND AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG]

STlLES: I said, have you had the chance to sit on anyone knees and get any interviews from-- Actually, I said it better the first time.

Colin, to get off the subject, have you been good this year? Oh, I tell you, l`ve been better than most.

SlEGEL: Is it easy for you to hear anything? Because apparently there arose a real clatter.

Yes, that`s for sure.

I tell you, this is amazing.

You gotta be careful when they`re flying overhead.

STlLES: Can you describe what was just happening behind you right there, Colin? Well, perhaps l`ll just let the picture speak for itself.

It`s so hard to describe what`s going on.

Well, Colin, it looks like you got there just in the nick of time.

That is so true.

And I should really check that clause in my contract.

SlEGEL: Yes.

MOCHRlE: Because [AUDlENCE CHEERlNG]

I don`t think I should be doing this.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

Thank you very much.

Okay.

Thanks a lot.

Don`t go anywhere.

We`re going to commercial.

We`ll be back with more Whose Line Is It Anyway?.

Stay right where you are.

Hey, welcome back to Whose Line Is It Anyway?.

Where everything`s made up and the points don`t matter, just like Little League.

Now let`s play a game called Hey, You Down There.

This is for Ryan and Colin.

They`re gonna do a 1 950s public information film.

Denny will make up the narration.

It`s called Hey, You Down There.

And the subject of this `50s public information film is camping in the wild.

[MUSlC PLAYlNG]

SlEGEL: Hey, you down there.

You`re prepared to deal with Mother Nature, but don`t forget mothers can have a cruel side.

You better be careful.

Let`s check our provisions.

That means stuff we brought.

[AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG]

What have we got in here? Why, gee, it`s a lighter.

Oh, no, it`s a flashlight.

It`s both.

Oh, what`s up there? Is that an owl? No, it`s a jaguar.

And it`s headed right towards you.

Oh, but you`ve got-- You`ve got your trusty shotgun.

Wait a minute, you better put the sil*ncer on.

Wait a minute.

[AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG]

sh**ting through your friend`s mouth can help direct the b*llet.

Oh, the jaguar went away.

Bye-bye, Mr.

Jaguar.

But your friend`s got something of his own in his little pack.

It`s a tablecloth.

[CAREY AND SlEGEL LAUGHlNG]

That`s right.

There`s nothing like a romantic candlelight dinner in the dark.

But wait a minute, the edge of that tablecloth is catching fire.

Remember what Smokey says.

Better put it out.

You can use your own body to smother the flames.

Ahh.

[CAREY LAUGHlNG]

SlEGEL: You`re singed, but safe.

Well, anyway, time to go to bed.

Did you remember the sleeping bags? Sure you did.

I hope-- I hope you remembered two.

Otherwise, it`s gonna be awfully tight in there.

It`s important to decide who`s gonna crawl in first because there could be a scorpion at the bottom.

That`s right.

Just slide in head first so that the scorpion can eat your eyes out.

[CAREY AND AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG]

It`s fun to read by match.

But uh-oh! That comic book can catch fire.

[AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG]

[BUZZER SOUNDlNG]

[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG AND APPLAUDlNG]

It`s always funny until someone gets hurt.

So let`s go on to a game called Party Quirks.

This for Denny and Wayne, Colin and Ryan.

Denny, you`ll be hosting a party and they will be your guests.

We`ve given each a weird quirk, it`s on these cards they`ve never seen before.

Why don`t you start the party.

And you guys line up, l`ll bring you in with the doorbell.

And whenever you`re ready, go ahead and start the party.

Boy, I hope everyone likes these cinnamon apple pork rinds.

[DOORBELL RlNGlNG]

Oh, a guest is here.

Yes.

Yes.

Hey.

Hi.

[lN HlGH-PlTCHED VOlCE]

Aah! Hey.

Oh, my gosh.

Come on in.

It`s all right.

I`m gonna have a great time.

I brought my nightie.

[WHOOPlNG]

SlEGEL: Have a pork rind.

[DOORBELL RlNGlNG]

-Oh, l`ll take those.

-Great.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Come in.

Come in.

Hello.

[MOCHRlE GRUNTlNG]

[AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG AND APPLAUDlNG]

[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG]

[DOORBELL RlNGlNG]

BRADY: Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, excuse me.

I have another guest.

Come in.

Come in, come in.

Hi.

STlLES: Pfft! [CAREY LAUGHlNG]

Ew! Ew! Wayne, are you afraid that he`s gonna ruin your slumber party? [BUZZER SOUNDS]

CAREY: Wow, nice one.

Well, perhaps-- Perhaps we can find something for him to do in the Olympics.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG]

You`re an amalgam of all my ex-boyfriends, aren`t you? CAREY: That`s close.

[CAREY AND AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG]

CAREY: Your first clue.

-You`re a little pig? -No.

You`re-- You`re-- You`re a morphing sci-fi creature.

Oh, you`re a balloon on a float.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

No.

What does he look like really in real life? A gir-- What? -A geranium? CAREY: Giraffe.

-A giraffe.

CAREY: He got stuck with a dart he`s a giraffe, that`s why he fell down.

[BUZZER SOUNDlNG]

[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG]

He still looks like a giraffe.

Look at him.

You know, I gotta tell you you guessed wrong, at least it`s entertaining.

-That`s what l`m here for.

CAREY: I know.

Now let`s go on to a game called Scene to Rap.

Wayne and Denny, you`re gonna start.

Then Ryan and Colin are gonna join later.

They`re gonna be rapping through the whole scene with the help of rap master Laura Hall.

[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG AND APPLAUDlNG]

From our hood to your hood, it`s Laura Hall.

What I need from the audience is a kind of disaster you might make a movie about.

MAN 1 : Flood.

WOMAN: Earthquake.

Flood, earthquake.

Let`s do.

MAN 2: Tsunami.

CAREY: We`ll do flood.

Tsunami.

Let`s make it a tsunami.

[CAREY LAUGHS]

Okay, so you`re gonna rap.

The scene is about a tsunami.

And-- So go ahead whenever you`re ready.

[RAP MUSlC PLAYlNG]

[SlNGlNG]

Now, I know you`re enjoying here in Taiwan But something funky is going on Something`s happening with the tide And I don `t think there`s anywhere To go and hide There`s something happening That you don `t get But if we hang out here, We gonna get real wet [SlEGEL GRUNTlNG]

On the horizon, call for mommy Winds are blowing, here comes a tsunami Oh, that`s right, your life you save Because tsunami means really big wave Coming over here, my life to keep Because we might drown And the water is deep So who can help us, who can do it? Because I don `t know, we got to move it This is just the worst news yet Man, the only thing I can surf is the Net Whoa [AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG]

And on the radio, heard them say That there`s a tsunami heading this way Don `t run away, nowhere to go Stick with me, my name`s Cousteau And swim -Just swim -Tsunami Just swim [AUDlENCE CHEERlNG]

Hey, there, there you guys, I see the wave I even had time to shave I know it`s dangerous It`s quite debatable Come with me, my pants are inflatable I`m going up to ride the wave And now all of you, I will save SlEGEL: Woo-hoo! BRADY: Oh! [BUZZER SOUNDlNG]

[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG AND APPLAUDlNG]

That was great.

Hey, listen.

We`ll find out who the winner is after commercial.

They`ll do a game with me.

Don`t go away.

We`ll be right back with more Whose Line Is It Anyway?.

Welcome back to Whose Line Is It Anyway?.

The winners tonight, Colin and Ryan.

Colin and Ryan are the winners.

[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG]

Who would have thought, huh? What a come-from-behind, pay-off-the-umpire victory they had.

Now they`re gonna do a scene with me called Helping Hands.

We`ll do a scene here.

Ryan won`t be able to use his hands.

Colin will make-- Do his hands for him.

And what`s our scene, Wayne? Ryan is a temperamental pastry chef who is trying to create a masterpiece for the demanding owner of his restaurant, Drew.

We need that cake five minutes ago-- [lN FRENCH ACCENT]

Don`t ever tell me how to make a cake.

I`m a master.

I must get prepared.

Hurry and get prepared.

Wear your stupid hat.

You don`t look so great chef to me.

I put it on my head like so, and I look like Jiffy Pop.

That`s what I said, Jiffy Pop.

Listen, I don`t know if these hors d`oeuvres are any good.

Those won`t be served.

-Why not? -I almost swat them.

These are for my own personal-- I use these for impressions.

-Let`s hear one.

-Look, this is my favorite-- Looks like Carol Channing.

[lMlTATES CAROL CHANNlNG]

lt`s really sugary.

[lN FRENCH ACCENT]

Give me some cupcakes.

Give me some cupcakes and guess what I am.

I need two.

I need two.

-Why don`t you juggle? -What am l? [BUZZlNG]

Hurry up.

They want their name on it.

-Do you know what this is? -lt`s a pastry-- It`s a pastry squirter.

Shall we decorate the cake? I will decorate the top.

Who shall I make it out to? -Their names are Mike and Diane.

-Very careful.

-Mike and Diane Lipschwitz.

-Very careful.

M.

-Don`t forget this one.

-Oh, yes.

I will-- They want it in different colors.

I.

I don`t have enough frosting.

Tell me, do they look--? Do they look--? -The sprinkles? -They need sprinkles.

I can`t put those sprinkles on.

I lose control when I have sprinkles.

I`m shaking.

I-- I still remember the great sprinkle accident of 1 982.

[AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG AND CHEERlNG]

I look like Walt Disney just threw up.

CAREY: What about this stuff? This stuff-- -That`s raw dough.

Never eat it.

-Why, what happens? -lt can make worms in your tummy.

Worms in your tummy.

What does raw dough taste like? Does it taste bad? You can`t eat raw dough.

Yeah.

I bet you could.

Go ahead and eat it.

-lt`s fun.

-lt`s bad for you.

-lt can`t be that bad.

It`s all-- -Let me have a little try.

[AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG AND APPLAUDlNG]

It`s not bad.

Here are some strawberries to wash that down.

I don`t eat any vegetables or fruits.

-You ought to try it.

-Strictly sugar.

Strictly sugar for me.

-Oh, really? -One, and a two and a-- Ha-- Ha-- Wow.

CAREY: Try another one.

That was close.

-Really? Okay.

-lt`ll entertain me if you do that.

-Ah.

Ha-- Ha-- -l`m a failure.

-Oh, no.

[BUZZER SOUNDlNG]

[AUDlENCE CHEERlNG AND APPLAUDlNG]

Now you ruined their cake.

Thanks for watching Whose Line Is It Anyway?.

-We`ll see you later.

Goodbye.

BRADY: That cake looks good.