03x12 - Campin' Ain't Easy

[bunniefuu]

Chumba
wumba, hubba
bubba, Ray Liotta Greetings, sh*t for Brain, Dances with Rhythm, Morning After, and Gay Buffalo.

Big Chief Horse d*ck come bearing big news.

we're finally reopening Camp Brickleberry, and you're all gonna be camp counselors.

[all]

Yes! Woody, this park is a dangerous place for children.


So is your uterus.


Jackubowski wants the camp reopened.

And it gives the park a chance to make a buttload of money off some sucker parents.

So you sure as sh*t better show them a good time.

So we're supposed to chase these kids around and do all this extra work? What do we get? Well, the counselor whose tribe is voted the best at the end of the week wins [imitates fanfare]

the legendary tribal shield! Like anyone with a brain could be motivated
by a painted trash can lid.


I'm winning this!
No, it's mine!
Hands off my painted trash can lid! Settle down, morons! Put these on.

Woody, I, uh, didn't get a shirt.

There's no way I'm letting you be a counselor again.

You're the reason we had to close the camp
in the first place.


What happened? I remember it like it happened
Steve?
Oh, sorry.

I thought you guys could see my brain movie.

Every summer the entire camp would compete against each other in the mother of all camp competitions the Gauntlet.

[g*nsh*t]

[grunts]


We're gonna lose.


I know a shortcut.

Are you sure about this? This sign says "mine field.

" Mine field, your field, I don't care whose field it is.

Get in there! [explosions]

This is gonna make for a scary brain movie.

[majestic music]

[screams]

Brickleberry All right, counselors, look sharp.


Here comes that big, yellow bus.


That's Connie.


I'm so excited to be a counselor again.


b*at it, Steve! I told you you're not allowed to be a counselor.

[bleep]

Dachau k*lled less campers than you.

It'll be different this time.

I promise to be the world's best counselor.


Look at my shirt.


"Free assgasms"? Whoops.

Have it on backwards.

That's not all you have on backwards.

Come on, Woody.

Let me redeem myself.

I promise this time I'll be the world's best counselor, which means no kid will get hurt on my watch.

But if you need some convincing Oh, shut the [bleep]

up, Steve.

[music]


So what kind of camp is this?
Every kind! Fat camp, handicap camp, rich
kid camp, and inner
city
delinquents camp.

I sent a different brochure to every demographic.

"Come to fat camp, or you'll end up like this.

" Hey! I'm on a brochure.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

The Gauntlet? You're not letting the kids do that horrible event again, are you? Hell, no, Steve.

Too dangerous.

The Gauntlet is retired forever.

I just put it on the brochure to get them little shits here.

[laughs]

Whoa Welcome to Brickleberry, where your child's summer won't be a bummer.

I have to say, it looks much different than the pictures.

Don't you worry.

This is gonna be the best summer of your kid's life.

I know it will because of the money
back guarantee
you put on the brochures.


God damn it, I forgot I put that on there.

I got to stop getting coked up at Kinko's.

How, campers.

I'm big Chief Woody.

Who's ready to have the best summer ever and compete for the legendary tribal shield? [laughing and grunting wildly]

Let's just get you sorted into your tribes.

Anyone darker than raw umber, go with Denzel.

All right, Shawnees.

Show me some love.

We gonna win that tribal shield.

Rich kids that look like villains from an '80s movie, go with Ethel.

Over here, Muskogees.

We will crush the other tribes! I'm Chad.

You probably recognize me.

When I was seven, I did a P'Zone commercial.

Hate to break it to you, but the rest of you are weirdos.

You're going with Connie.

[all]

Aw.

Yay, Cherokees.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure we're not gonna win anything.

So where are my kids, Woody? [chuckles]

You k*lled them all, remember? Get out of here, dumbass! Come on, Woody, everybody deserves a second chance.

He can be my co
counselor.


Yes! Thanks, Connie.


Fine, whatever.

But not a single fatality, you hear me, Steve?
I won't let you down, Woody.


Holy sh*t.

Don't worry about a thing.

This little guy's gonna get extra
special treatment.

Ooh, I like a man with authority.

And I like a woman who can unhinge her jaw.


Ew!
b*at it, you little sh*t!
Woody Johnson.


I'm Tiffany.

Well, Tiffany, how's about you stick around and have dinner with me tonight in my cabin? Ooh, it's a date.

See you then.

Hold it, h*nky.

What are you doing with the black kids? I am black.

I have a pigmentation disorder that causes my All right, Albino Roker.

Just get over there with the rest of the weirdos.

[loud crash]

Okay, kids, now, remember, Chief Woody will be watching and keeping tabs.

Everything you do well earns your tribe valuable points for the tribal shield.


Malloy here will be keeping score.


On it.

Points! Now it's time for a tour of our wilderness wonderland.

Here is where the two best cooks in the county will delight your taste buds our mess hall.


Oh, "mess hall.

"
Yeah, that makes more sense.

Above you is our state
of
the
art ropes course.

[eagle screeching]

[zapping]

This doesn't look anything like the brochure.

Where are the arcades and the 100
foot waterslides? We have waterslides! Don't look at that.


Why can't we play outside?
Yeah, Steve, it's a beautiful day.

It's way too dangerous out there.

Steve, the best counselor ever, is going to keep his kids safe.

Besides, we can do fun camp activities right here.

See? Aah! No.

You could choke on that.

Mmm, mmm.

[spits]

Steve, this is ridiculous.

These kids can't spend their whole week of camp locked up in a cabin.

Connie, my kids aren't stepping foot out of this cabin, and that's final.

[kids]

Aww! All right, campers.

Time for an exciting hike past the Brickleberry whirlpool! I haven't had a group of kids watch me poop since I paid money to have a group of kids watch me poop.

[laughing]

Ooh, it must be nice to sit down to a relaxing dinner after being the big, strong boss all day.

Oh, it's starting to tingle.

[thud under table]

How's your ham
and
cheddar Lean Pocket? Ooh, it's delicious, Woody.

[table creaking]

[crash]

Woody, are you in there? I was just about to be.

What the hell do you want? One of my campers went missing.

I can't find her anywhere.


There you are!
What? Tiffany, you're supposed to be in your cabin.


I was worried sick, young lady.


Uh, you're a kid? I promised your mother you'd wear your retainer.

Lucky for you, I have it right here.

What are you doing in Woody's cabin at this hour anyway? Oh, I found her wandering around in the woods, so I took her in to make sure she was safe.

It is dangerous around here.

Oh, yeah, a lot of creepy, old perverts right in this area.


Malloy!
Let's get you back to your cabin.

[with lisp]

Thanks for the special evening, Woody.

Ooh, cock
blocked by an Amber Alert.

That's gotta sting.

All right, kids, who's ready for some waterless, indoor, use
your
imagination swimming? Oh, my God, where are they?
What do you think you're doing?
We're just playing flashlight tag.

In the dark? Somebody's gonna get hurt.


Oh!
See? Everybody back inside! No, we're not going back inside.

And I don't want you to be my co
counselor anymore.

You want to split up the tribe? Fine.

Let's let the kids decide who they want to be with me, the world's best counselor, or
Connie.

We pick Connie.


What? I guess you four are my only campers.

At least you guys like me.

We don't like you.

You have our insulin.

And don't you [bleep]

forget it.

[laughter]

What's "contaminated" mean? Oh, uh, that's just the name of the lake.

Lake Con
tah
mih
na
ted.

It's Algonquin.

It means, uh It means get off my [bleep]

ass! Negative points! Wha we can do that? We can do negative points? On it.

Leeches! Aah! Get them off me! This sh*t don't never happen with fire hydrants, man! Keep having fun, everybody.


Hi, Woody.


Hello, camper kid I don't know.

I see you're not wearing your retainer.


Can you do my front?
I, uh I gotta go.

[pops]

[shouts]

Hey! It's Ratatouille.

You want to help me finish this chili, little buddy? [squeaking]

Okay, fat
camp kids, you're having brown rice for lunch one grain each.

I'm starving.

Who's gonna win that tribal shield? [children]

[unenthusiastically]

Muskogees.


Nice camp spirit.

Points!
Points! How about my tribe, Woody?
Well, no race riots yet.

Points!
Points! [sighs]

What's the matter, Steve? k*ll some more campers? [chuckles]

Probably for the best.

Nobody's b*ating us for that tribal shield.

Muskogees rule!
You here to try and cheer me up?
No, you still have our insulin.

We're all on the edge of diabetic shock.

I was just trying to be a great counselor, and you all hate me.

I'm not fit to wear this shirt.

[grunting]

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.


We don't hate you.


Really? Being a great counselor isn't about locking us in a cabin.

If we wanted to be smothered, we could have stayed at home with our parents.

You got to relax.

Let us have some fun.

You're right.

I thought being the world's best counselor meant keeping you safe, but it really means giving you the best summer ever, even if it means a little danger.

Let's go have some fun! [all cheering]

Wait! You forgot your sunscreen.

No, Steve.

Let it go.

Oh, God! I'm burning! I'm burning! You smell delicious.

[all chomping]

[music]

[all screaming]

Yes! Burn, normal
size people! Burn! [Woody]

Listen, dickhead, you don't tell me what to do.

We are not going to jail again because of you.

Don't give me that look, now.

Aw, I can't stay mad at you.

You want to kiss and make up? [chuckles]

Come here.

Aah! It's a white walker! [Denzel]

Okay, let me tell y'all a ghost story.

Legend has it that right over that hill is a cursed Native American burial ground.

And any dead thing that's buried there
comes back to life!
I hate true ghost stories.

But the ground is sour.

And when the dead come back, they ain't the same.

They eat mother[bleep]

brains! [all]

Boo! Listen up, Muskogees.

Chief Woody says the winner of this event
gets 50 tribal shield points!
Yeah, sure, whatever.

This will be the most g*dd*mn important potato
sack race of your lives! I don't have a partner.

Chief Woody would love to be your partner.

Yeah, come hop in the sack with me.

It's tight inside, but it's warm.

T
T
T
Tight? W
W
W
Warm?
Points!
Aah! Down boy! Down boy! Ooh! Whoa!
Not so big now, are you?
Hello, Woody.

Tiffany, shouldn't you be with the other campers? There's something between us, Woody.


Don't you feel it?
That's my raging frozen penis.

I mean I didn't notice.

Besides, you're just a kid.

Not for much longer.

I turn 18 in two days.


You do?
Think you can last till then? [Ethel]

Woody, we have a problem.

I know.

We blew through our liquid
nitrogen budget.


The campers hate it here.


My kids are having fun.

Now, see? Now, why can't your kids be more like Steve's four happy "queerdos"? The rest of the kids are saying that they want to go home.

No one is going home! I'm not giving any g*dd*mn refunds.

Hello, Mom? This place sucks nuts.

[high
pitched voice]

Which is a good thing because I'm gay.

[woman]

What? You're dead to me! [grunts]

Kids, don't make me take away points on the tribal shield 'cause of low morale.

There's nothing in here just all these drawings of hairy footballs!
Malloy!
Ain't I a stinker? The point system is bullshit.

This is no fun.

We want to go home.

All right.

All right! You kids want fun? Let's have some g*dd*mn fun! Tomorrow we are going to unretire an old camp tradition a little blood
and
guts obstacle course that we like to call the Gauntlet.


Woody, no!
Shut up, Steve! It's the most treacherous obstacle course known to man.

[roaring]

And since my points system has been revealed as complete bullshit, the winner of the Gauntlet will be awarded the tribal shield! [all cheering]

I want that shield, do you hear me? Yeah! We can't wait to compete in the Gauntlet.

No way.

You four won't be competing.


It's too dangerous.


We deserve a chance to win.

We're gonna do it whether you like it or not.

Well, you can't compete if you don't have a counselor.

And guess what.

I quit.

You are the worst counselor ever.

Watch me poop! [laughing]

Ooh, girl Yeah, yeah, oh, baby Ooh, uhh, uhh I call that one When the Towers Fell.

[over PA]

Would the sh*t stain wearing the hoodie in 90
degree weather report to the ranger station immediately? Hey, man, what gives? You were just blowing up my spot back there.

I don't understand what the [bleep]

you just said, but listen and listen good.

Tiffany is my piece.

Then why is she going to the camp dance with me? Find a girl your own age.

Got to be a graveyard somewhere nearby.

[laughing]

Are you gonna k*ll him? No, I'm not giving that little bastard's parents a refund.

Well, the one thing Chad does have is youth.

If you want to impress Tiffany at tonight's dance, you need to learn how to act younger.

Well, how the hell do I do that? Trust me, I know what the kids are into these days.

[music]

Malloy, are you sure about this? Just relax.

I'll tell you what to say.


Woody?
Tiffany, uh You looking cray cray like a noob says no one ever come at me, bro, that's what's up.


Okay?
Whoa.

I didn't know Hot Topic gave a senior discount.

Malloy, I am about to put my fist up this P'Zone punk's assh*le! Woody, these days kids use their feet, not their fists.

Challenge him to a dance
off! Tell him this You messed with the wrong BFF says no one ever this wanksta's swaggy hundo
p.

[dance music]

Aah! Oh! Oh, my back! Oh, hiya, Chad.

What's a child like you doing out of your cabin at this hour? Where's Tiffany? I wrote her a song for her birthday.

Not happening, but I know someone else who'd love to hear it.

Ma? Dad? What are you doing here? You're in big trouble, young man.


Mr.

Johnson told us what you did.


What did I do? No son of mine is gonna jack off a raccoon unless I get to watch with a hairbrush up my ass.

Right, honey? [clocks ticking]

Well, ain't you gonna open your present? Why did you get me a cane? Because after tonight, you are going to be walking funny.

[beeping]

It's almost time.

[both]

Three, two, one.

Yeah! [Woody]

Happy birthday! What the hell is this? We're getting ready for the Gauntlet.

How? You don't have a counselor.

Yeah, we do.

Woody assigned us this guy.

F
First lesson.

F
F
Fire can't hurt you when you're
when you're drunk.


Are you nuts? You can't run the Gauntlet with that drunken hobo.

Sure, we might die.

But that's better than giving up like you did.


And who else would run with us?
I will.

I didn't realize winning this thing meant so much to you.

We've never won anything before.

Well, it's not going to be easy.

Look at those kids over there.

[Steve]

They're bigger, faster, stronger, blacker.

Now look at yourselves an albino, a crazy midget, a clubfoot gimp, and a Puerto Rican blind kid.

What? I'm a [bleep]

Puerto Rican? My parents told me I was Japanese.

Guys, we're going to go out there and win tomorrow! Do you know why? Because your legs, eyes, skin, and general appearance may be crippled.

But you know what isn't? Your hearts.

Ho Hobo Larry's gonna show you how to ge ge get a good stretch and a and a fr free breakfast.

All right, kids, the only rule of the Gauntlet is no rules! First team to grab the flag wins.

On your mark, get set [g*nsh*t]

Gauntlet! [wheelchair engine revving]

We don't stand a chance.

We're never going to win.

Not necessarily.

I know a shortcut.

Hey, isn't that how your campers got k*lled? Yes, but it's the perfect plan.

It's time we use your disabilities to our advantage! [expl*si*n]

[music]

We made it.

No, that's just the entrance to the shortcut.

To the death cave! [chuckles]

Glow
in
the
dark skin!
Who's the weirdo now?
Still you.

Whoa! Ugh! Just wanted you to feel included.

There's the finish line! The tribal shield is as good as mi [all cheering]


We did it.


We did it! One, two, three, four.

No dead kids! I can't believe I'm saying this, but Steve's tribe is the winner! Is this a [bleep]

trash can lid? Here you go, Steve.

You finally deserve this.

You are the world's best counselor.

Wow.

Thanks, guys.

To be honest, we all were pretty sure you'd find some way to k*ll us.

I think this shrunk up a little.

[grunting]

[sign creaking]

[all gasp]

Aah! You must feel terrible for k*lling all those kids
again.


Actually, I feel fine.

Last night I put their bodies in that Native American burial ground that raises the dead.

Steve, you dumbass, that was just a ghost story.

Oh, yeah? Tell that to them.

[all moaning]

Oh, Garebear, I missed you! Oh, let's not bite.

Sharon? Is that you?
Woody! So nice to see you.


What are you doing here? I haven't seen you since we Had unprotected sex 18 years and 9 months ago to the day? Oh, I'm here picking up my daughter Tiffany.


What?
Oh, there she is now.

Tiffany, sweetie.

Have you met Mr.

Johnson? I sure have.

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

I'm gonna k*ll you, you son of a bitch! Aah! Ooh! Aah!