[SINGING]
My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustache face This is The Cleveland Show [CHUCKLES]
So I tell her, "Baby, don't come over for a play date if you ain't ready to play.
"
- Straight up.
- Uh
-huh.
Shorty be tripping.
[HORN HONKS]
- That's my old lady.
I'm out.
- All right, then.
Be good, my brother.
- What up, Shavonne?
- Hi, Rallo.
Dang.
That lady's butt: Ka
-blam! Rallo, you boys been playing with my shoes again?
- No.
- Really? You know what this means.
This means I gotta go shoe shopping.
[NU SHOOZ'S "I CAN'T WAIT" PLAYING]
Okay.
Then we'll meet at 7.
I'll text Vanessa and IM Jody.
You Twitter Gabby, poke Tracy, and cyber
-bully Maria.
Oh, I got another call.
Hang on, girl.
Hey, girl.
Ooh, hang on, girl.
Hey, girl.
Wow, Donna.
Between Rallo and Roberta this house is a veritable beehive of activity.
Mm
-hm.
And the queen bee is happy to see her honey.
[MIMICS BUMBLE BEE AND CHUCKLES]
One thousand three hundred and forty
-five.
One thousand three hundred and forty
-six.
One thousand three hundred and forty
-seven.
One thousand three hundred and forty
-eight.
- What are you doing, son?
- Counting to a million.
Why? Why are you doing that? Why does anybody do anything? Did you eat the brownies in the back of the freezer?
- No.
- Good.
Don't.
Because they're your dad's for when he goes to concerts.
- Got it?
- Okay.
One thousand, three hundred and forty
-nine.
Man, I gotta find Cleveland Jr.
A friend.
I agree.
That boy is Ionelier than a widowed trapeze artist with Alzheimer's.
[CIRCUS MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
This is a good place to meet people.
- See anyone who interests you?
- That guy seems cool.
Or how about that young man over there playing basketball?
- Hey, mind if we play?
- Sure.
All right.
The two of you against this old
-timer.
Check it.
Ow! Ow! Foul.
Foul.
Daddy, he's leaving.
Well, then he forfeits.
You forfeit.
He seems Ionely.
Looks like he could use a friend too.
- Hey, sport.
I got a proposition for you.
- Yeah? My name's Cleveland.
How'd you like to play with Cleveland Jr?
- What?
- Oh, you'll love him.
He's a little chubby but he's always up for a good time.
A lot of other kids have jerked him around.
But I can tell you're the kind of guy who would treat him right.
Don't get me wrong.
He's a handful, but a nice handful.
Look, I'll be honest with you.
I'm tired of playing with him.
You wanna see him? Come over by the car and I'll let you have a look.
Come on.
What do you say? I'll give you 30 bucks right now if you'll play with him in the car.
Boomerang.
[SIRENS WAIL AND g*ns COCK]
You know, once I read over the transcript I could see how my words might have been misconstrued.
Thanks for trying to help me, Dad.
- Maybe we'll find me a friend tomorrow.
- Yes, we will.
And if not then, then the next day.
And if not then, then the next day.
And if not then, we'll give up.
Because that will have been four days and that's enough.
Hey, there's Lester Krinklesac's boy.
- What are you doing, Ernie?
- Playing kick the can.
- I didn't know you could play that alone.
- Well, I don't have any friends.
- Ow.
Daddy.
- Wear your damn seatbelt.
Ernie, this is my son, Cleveland Jr.
He doesn't have any friends either.
- You wanna play kick the can?
- Do I? That's okay.
I didn't get it at first either.
I'll teach you how.
All right.
Now, you halfwits have a good time.
[UPBEAT COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING]
Ha, ha.
And then the old lady was hobbling after us because the crab apple we threw broke her windshield.
And she tripped over a surveying flag and landed in the mud.
I bet even she had to laugh at that one.
I tell you, Ernie, it's nice having you here.
Looks like I'm not the only one around here with a white boyfriend.
Oh
-ho
-ho
-ho! She's trying to call you h*m*, Cleveland Jr.
And Ernie.
That's funny.
I'm gonna use that.
I'm gonna use it right now.
Y'all are h*m*.
[LAUGHS]
This has been a perfect day.
Well, you know, Ernie, the fun doesn't have to end.
Why don't we have a good, old
-fashioned sleepover?
- Yeah.
- Really? Sure, mi casa es su casa.
Wow.
Your dad knows janitor language.
I love it here.
Come on to my room, Ernie.
We can look at our boogers under the microscope.
Cool.
[SIGHS]
You can go too, Cleveland.
Cool.
Oh, gross.
Hey, y'all.
So what are we grubbing on tonight? Oh, Ernie, you're back for dinner again.
Yep.
You said I could come over anytime, so I'm moving in.
Well, that's not exactly what l If Cleveland Jr.
's boyfriend gets to live here, then why can't mine? Okay.
He can't live here.
And Federline's definitely not gonna live here.
Aah! I sat on my nuts.
- Can I help you?
- Hi, Lester.
This is a little awkward but Ernie was talking about moving into my house and I figured you Is that true, Ernie? You wanna live here or there? There, I reckon.
Well, boy's all yours.
Hmm.
Well, let's go home.
I'll get out of these pants and you can play with Cleveland Jr.
I shouldn't talk to boys.
I brought all my stuff.
My kit, my caboodle, my doodads, my doohickeys my doojiggers, my gewgaws.
[JUNIOR CHUCKLES]
We're gonna be roommates.
Oh, perfect, just what we need.
Another dude.
Would it k*ll somebody to bring home a hot Puerto Rican chick who's into black midgets? And this is Princess, my pet possum.
Aah! Hide the cheese.
Sorry, but I'm no good at living with animals.
Hey, big
-fat
-ugly
-tumor
-head man, I'm going down to the student center.
You want a soda or something? I am referred to as the Elephant Man.
You don't look like an elephant.
You look like a big
-fat
-ugly
-tumor
-head man.
This is not why they call me the Elephant Man.
[ZIPPER UNZIPS]
[ELEPHANT TRUMPETS]
Morning.
Uh, could you at least run the water while you're doing that? Okay.
Do y'all have a disposal or should I do the rest in the yard? Both.
[POSSUM SQUEAKS]
[POSSUM SCREECHING AND DONNA SCREAMING]
Get off me! Is there room for two? [CLEVELAND SCREAMING AND POSSUM HISSING]
Hasta la possum, baby.
[POSSUM SQUEALS]
[DONNA SCREAMS]
So, Lester have you given any further thought to when you might want Ernie to return home? He can make his own decisions.
He's a grown
-ass man.
Lester, he's 14.
You gotta take back your boy.
Why should I? Seems to me he's happy anywhere but our house.
Y'all can pay for my drinks.
So, Cleveland, how are you gonna get Lester to take his boy back? I guess I'll have to get creative like Van Gogh when he discovered the Q
-tip.
Eew, waxy.
- What the hell are you doing?
- This is my business.
Excuse me.
This is a private residence.
- It's me, Cleveland.
- What?
- What are you doing?
- I'm Lester from the future.
I'm gonna visit him in his sleep and tell him that without his influence future Ernie will destroy NASCAR by making them drive the other way around the track.
- Will you just call Child Services?
- What?
- I don't wanna get Lester in trouble.
- You won't.
Trust me.
I had to call them more than once with Robert.
They'll come over, sit Lester and Ernie down and force them to talk this out.
- That makes sense.
Dynamite.
What the? Holt? I figure you're Lester, I'll be you.
We may dress as you all but you all may not dress as us.
[CHICKEN PEEPING]
- Ha, ha.
There he goes.
- I got him.
I got him.
[CHICKEN SCREECHES]
Dinner will be ready in half an hour.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
My, who could that be? Hi.
I'm with Child Protective Services.
I'm here for Ernie.
Ernie, this nice man is gonna sit down with you and your dad to have a talk.
Okay.
But we were gonna play mine
-shaft disaster in the crawl space.
I was gonna be the greedy mine owner who turned a blind eye to numerous safety violations.
A, you can play later.
And B, you know you can't fit in that crawl space.
I don't have to fit in there, Daddy.
I'm the owner of the mine.
I don't have to do the dirty work.
Plus, I already told you, I knew it was dangerous in there Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You can play later.
[PANTING]
Thank God you called us, Mr.
Brown.
No child should live in such conditions.
You called Child Services on me? How dare you? [SQUEALING]
[BRAYING]
Hmph.
I feel terrible.
Terrible, terrible, terrible.
I broke up a family and sent away the only friend Cleveland Jr.
Had.
I know.
I mean, Lester's not perfect but he is Ernie's father, Cleveland.
Whoa, listen to you.
"He's Ernie's father.
" Yesterday, you were all: "Call Child Services.
Call Child Services.
They'll have a conversation.
Oh, maybe they'll hug it out.
Oh, that'll be great.
" Oh, that's only because you were all, "My kid is Ionely.
He's a loser.
Blah, blah, blah.
I gotta get him a friend.
Oh, I sat on my nuts.
" Uh
-huh.
And you're all, "Oh, Cleveland, even though we have our differences I should probably pleasure you right here in the kitchen.
Any way you want.
Whatever makes you feel good the fastest so you can get out there and reunite that family.
" And then you're like, "No, that's okay.
I'll just go in the bathroom and take care of myself real quick and then get out there and bring Ernie home.
" Oh, man.
Why did I have to say that? [KNOCKS]
- Lester, good news.
- I already heard.
- We got a black president.
- I know.
But this is about Ernie.
I called Child Services and found out that they took him to a foster family in Elmwood.
But first, I listened to their entire message because some of their menu options may have changed.
Anyway, they scheduled a custody hearing for tomorrow morning.
All you have to do is come with me and we can get your boy back.
What about my six pigs, my donkey, and my Porta John? I don't know what to do.
Lester won't go to the hearing.
It's like he doesn't even want his son back.
Am I the only one who knows psychology here? Nope.
I minored in it.
Guess what I majored in?
- Partying.
- There he is.
The point is, Lester does want his son back but he is too proud and way too stupid Oh.
Oh, Lester.
We were just speaking of a different Lester.
And in case you did not hear, this other Lester is stupid.
Ugh.
Sorry, I'm late.
I was busy turning Ernie's room back into a panic room.
Panic Room, with Forest Whitaker, who was in Fast Times with Sean Penn who was in Mystic River with Kevin Bacon.
Yeah.
In three.
Suck it.
You know, Lester, I like having a son just to do the chores around the house that I don't want to do.
Not to mention the tax break you get for having a child.
Taxes? I don't pay no damn taxes.
Screw the government.
Well, the government is who took your child away.
See, Lester, this isn't about Ernie.
This is about the government disrespecting you as a man.
You have to stand up to the government, Lester.
Show them who's boss.
I'm getting my son back.
Vegas, right now.
Right now, Vegas.
Who's in? I've I've never been to Las Vegas.
- Let's do it.
- What the hell? We just gotta stop off at my house, grab my black shirt and get some cash from my mom.
There he goes.
Slight break.
Oh, that's crisp.
- What do you think?
- Mm, you look Waffle House handsome.
No brunch after church today, ma'am.
I got a hearing to go to.
- Too much?
- Mm
-mm.
Just right, baby.
Now go get that kid back.
Hey, baby.
You're right on time.
Oh, hey, Lester.
Are all of these g*n
-toting rednecks coming to the hearing with us? We ain't going to no hearing.
We gonna go to that foster home and take my boy back.
- What are you talking about?
- I'm doing what you told me to do.
Standing up to the government, showing them who's boss.
And no one's gonna stop me.
[CHEERING]
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
I always found Flip Wilson very funny.
Me too.
You know who else was classy? Ed Bradley.
- Ed Bradley was a class act.
- Mm
-hm.
I once became aroused while looking at Halle Berry and her breasts.
Thank you.
Sons of Stoolbend, I'm not gonna lie to you.
Most of you are gonna die today.
I think I left a cake in the oven.
Fair enough.
Now, the rest of us are gonna go in there and show the government that they can't take my son.
- Yeah!
- Whoo
-hoo! Let's do it! Let's do it! Lester, please.
Remember what Kenny Rogers said before he went into the chicken business and then made himself look like an old woman.
"You don't have to fight to be a man.
" Right, right, right.
Hold up, fellows.
Cleveland and me is gonna try talking to them.
Y'all can wait outside.
- No sodomy.
REDNECKS: Aw! Well, good thing I brought Dancing Dan.
Look at him.
Look at him.
Please return Ernie to his rightful father.
You seem like perfectly lovely people but Nope.
The child is not going back to that house.
I ain't leaving without my son.
[WHISTLES]
FOSTER FATHER: Where do you think you're going? You're messing with my livelihood.
That foster kid is money in my pocket.
No! [WHIMPERS]
Look, Lester obviously cares enough about Ernie to risk his own life.
- Do I have brains in my hair?
- No, you got it.
- Do I?
- No.
Uh
-uh.
I'm gonna ask you once again to reconsider.
Clearly, Ernie and Lester belong together.
You're risking your life just to get me home?
- But I thought you didn't want me home.
- I never said that.
You said you didn't wanna live at home.
I was only saying that because you didn't say you wanted me to come home.
You thought? And I meant? Oh, don't that b*at all.
Ha.
Okay, on three, let's say it.
- One, two, three.
- One, two, three.
- I love you.
- Ha.
Wussy.
Well, I have to admit, this new couple seems to have a few issues of their own.
Foster kids, att*ck.
[YELLING]
Tell you what.
How about if I promise to keep an eye on Ernie since I'm just across the street?
- All right, fine.
- Ernie can go home.
I'll sign the release.
- Great.
[g*nsh*t]
Great.
Hey, Lester, you've got custody.
[CHEERS]
We'll take that kid now.
CLEVELAND: Chandel
-where?
- Chandel
-what? Chandel
-here.
You've got a g*n? You think I'd get in a truck full of rednecks without packing heat? [BOTH CHUCKLE]
You know what? You're all right.
I take back all the r*cist stuff I said about you.
- What r*cist stuff?
- Oh, yeah.
You weren't there.
You [CHUCKLES]
I told you.
Look, I left my ID in Virginia.
I'm 32, dawg.
Look at my class ring.
Come on, man.
Please? Hey, Holt.
Holt, man.
You gotta get in here, man.
I think I just made out with Nicky Hilton.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
I don't l I don't know what was in that aspirin that, uh, those Arab guys gave me but that's the best freaking aspirin I've ever had.
Whoo!
[SINGING]
My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustache face This is The Cleveland Show [CHUCKLES]
All right, Herbie Hancock's coming to town.
Hey, old man, buy me Herbie Hancock tickets.
You don't know nothing about Herbie Hancock.
What? Don't you tell me I don't know about Herbie Hancock.
- I love Herbie Hancock.
- Me too.
"Rockit.
" [HUMMING "AXEL F"]
- "Rockit.
"
- That ain't "Rockit.
" That's "Axel F.
" How does "Rockit" go? [HUMMING "AXEL F"]
Oh, doggone it.
Now you've got me doing it.
You've Herbie Hancock
-blocked me.
Kids, I've told you three times now to go make your beds.
You get two more times, then a final warning and then I go to work angry.
I already made my bed, Miss Donna.
Is that sarcasm, Junior? Because if there's one thing I do not understand, it's sarcasm.
No.
I'm telling the truth.
Oh, well, then thank you.
What kind of idiot makes their bed? Damn fat fool done made his bed? sh**t.
Now I gotta make my bed.
Damn.
I'm proud of you, son.
Now, maybe you could work on eating a little slower, and not as much and not so often, and maybe you could exercise.
- Maybe you could get a job.
Heh
-heh
-heh.
- Ha, ha, oh.
You know I been looking.
I just haven't found the right one yet.
Last week, I answered an ad for an old grizzled cop two days from retirement.
[g*nshots]
Okay, Brown.
Go draw their fire.
But I'm two days from retirement.
All right, I'll go.
[SCREAMING]
Oh, well, I'm two days from retirement.
And then I tried my hand as a singing spokesman for a furniture flea market.
[SINGING]
Living room, bedroom, dinette We got it, you need it You'll find it, it's just like It's just like a mini mall Hey, hey, you heard me Come shop I said flea market Stoolbend, it's just like It's just like a mini mall Hey, hey, living room, bedroom, dinette Oh, yeah You can find them at the market We talking about flea market Stoolbend, it's just like It's just like a mini mall Hey, hey, don't stop Let's make it a dance Come on now, to the left, to the left To the right, to the right Let's do this dance Hey, to the left, to the left To the right, to the right Let's make this a dance Flea market, Stoolbend It keeps you a
-jumping It's just like, it's just like a mini mall
- Can I have a beer, please?
- Me too.
And I as well.
Give me a Stoli Red Bull, sugar
-free.
I've got my father's hips.
Just order a beer, fool.
Whoa, watch out for this guy, huh? Cleveland, what's up with the short fuse, man? Oh, I'm just having trouble finding gainful employment.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
Finding a job is hard.
- I've never found one.
Yeah, I had to ask Jesus to lead me to the job of my dreams.
And when he did, I knew that he was the guy that I wanted to keep going to to ask for things.
Last year, I asked Jesus for tickets for the ESPYs.
He didn't come through.
I just watched it on my plasma.
- In your mom's basement?
- Shut up.
You know, Cleveland, there's an opening in my department down at the cable company.
I could put in a good word for you.
Telemarketing? Yes.
Yeah.
Why does everyone always say it like that? Telemarketing is the chatter of the global marketplace.
Ring
-ring.
Hello? Cleveland, it's your future.
Are you going to answer it? Or quietly whisper to me: [WHISPERING]
"Tell them I'm not here.
" [IN NORMAL TONE]
Plus, for every new employee I bring in, I get a $200 bonus.
And I sure could use it after I donated all that money to help fight bear AIDS.
[BEAR GROWLING AND MAN SCREAMING]
Did you get the bear to wear the condom? Oh, cool.
Cubicles.
Hey, good morning, Mr.
Waterman.
- Everything okay here, Tim?
- Oh, yes, thank you.
Say pineapple if you want me to get security.
Oh, no.
Mr.
Waterman, this is Cleveland, the guy I was telling you about.
You didn't tell me he was [CLEARING THRO AT]
Okay, here's your desk and your phone.
The keypad has several buttons with numbers and other things on them.
You probably just use the ones with the numbers, though, I would think.
Okay, so I got you down for one deluxe package with high
-speed Internet.
No.
Thank you, sir.
I just made my first sale.
TIM: Holy smokes.
I've never seen beginner's luck like that before.
Okay, bye now.
Hey, my phone is filled with silver dollars! Bees! [SCREAMING]
No! [CLEVELAND GRUNTING]
All right.
No.
Great job, Cleveland.
Sorry for judging you earlier today.
I did what I grew up watching my mother do: Underestimate minorities.
Of course, she'd sleep with them.
She sounds like someone I would dislike, and then like a lot and then dislike again.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
[SIGHS]
So no two months gets the same exotic coffee, right? Portugal? Do they know coffee in Portugal? Oh, that sounds expensive.
We have Folgers crystals.
You have Folgers crystals.
Yes, you have my card on file.
Thank you.
I'm gonna go and take out the trash.
Okay, but when you get back you're gonna crawl down under the sheets and take care of Mama Bear.
MAN [ON TV]
: You're watching Ike Turner Classic Movies.
Why don't you come up and see me sometime?
- What the hell did you just say?
- I didn't say nothing, Ike.
Why'd you make me treat you like this, huh, huh? Roberta, Rallo, Cleveland Jr.
Folded the laundry.
And I think you two should put it away.
Put away my laundry? It's not my job to pick up after myself.
I'm not my mother.
You'll get this back when you're done with the laundry.
Oh, man.
Now what am I supposed to? Oh, there's a book.
Don't laugh, America.
Don't laugh.
Can I have your attention, please? Due to his remarkable sales I'm giving this week's Employee of the Week Award to Cleveland Brown.
Hurray! As part of your Employee of the Week Award, here's $200 bonus.
Neat.
Tim, you wanna come out with me while I mindlessly blow through all this extra money? No.
No.
No, thanks.
You go on ahead.
I'm gonna stay late and try to make a few more sales.
Okay, I might just go buy myself a top hat.
[SINGING]
Gonna get myself a top hat Top hat [SIGHS]
- What are you doing?
- Oh, uh, hey, Arch!
- What are you doing, Tim?
- Oh, nothing.
Tim, those are for us at work, not to take home.
Yeah, well, I didn't use any today.
I figured what I didn't use, I could take home.
No.
That's not how this works.
Well, it's just that my wife, she puts these in her diet sodas because she likes so much chemicals, you know?
- Then what are the coffee filters for?
- Uh Why don't you go ahead and put everything back? Look, it's been a hard month.
Sometimes months are hard.
You bring in extra stuff when things are going good? Well, see you tomorrow, Arch.
No, you won't.
Taking a vacation day.
- Whoa, what's this?
- My chore wheel.
It makes doing chores even more fun.
Watch.
Gutter patrol.
All right.
We gotta stop this before it's too late.
I know.
Look what happened when nobody stopped Robert Redford.
Let me get this straight.
For only $ 10,000 I can have every inch of skin replaced with fried chicken? That's correct.
I'd be a fool not to.
Oh, no way.
Terry Kimple's in the house, y'all.
Hey, Cleveland.
Holy smokes.
What are you doing here? Just trying to be as cool as you.
Well, you're gonna need some tighter pants.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Hey, Tim.
Terry here was my best friend in high school.
He even saved my life once.
Oh, I just did a solid for a friend.
You'd have done the same thing.
Hey, man.
I needed this.
Thank you.
No problemo.
Hey, what are you kids doing? [GIGGLING]
Shh.
Shh.
I assume this is yours.
Oh, that is r*cist.
Come on, wise guy.
Let's go.
Now, hang on, chief.
Cleveland didn't know nothing about this.
That there weed, it belongs to me.
Terry, you could get expelled.
That's all right, man.
Your future's a hell of a lot brighter than mine.
You could be the first black president of the United States.
You take this opportunity and you use it, Cleveland.
Let's go.
You use it.
Use it, man! Use it! So how did your life turn out? Well, when my adulterous ex
-wife took my house in our divorce I moved back to town and hastily married a woman I had not seen nor spoken to in 20 years.
So in addition to my own emotionally fragile son I'm now responsible for two ill
-mannered stepchildren which is why I got an entry
-level telemarketing job at the cable company.
So pretty good, I guess.
What? Oh, sorry, man.
Sorry.
I was just checking out that pair of legs down there.
Ha, ha.
I see Terry Kimple hasn't changed.
Yeah, the ladies love my cable truck.
It's a hot fur magnet.
Hey, you know what? You should come out with me on my calls today.
We could catch up.
TIM: Lord Jesus, could you please encourage Cleveland to go with Terry in his hot fur magnet so I can catch up to his sales?
- Tim, will you be all right if I leave you?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
Have a good time.
Thanks, Jesus.
Okay, now maybe we can talk about bringing back Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
[TUBA BLOWING]
Hey, Cleveland Jr.
, my day's going well.
How about chores? That's a funny way to say it, but it's going all right.
Don't be smart.
You listen to me, Jack.
You better stop cleaning up around here, or things are gonna get messy.
- Like this.
- No.
Tuck in the corners just like Mommy did it.
Like things were when Mommy did it.
And don't divorce the sheets.
The sheets must never be divorced.
f*ck, dude.
So I said, "I don't care if you're pregnant.
That's a three
-way in my book.
" [LAUGHING]
This is humorous.
Why aren't you laughing, Tim? Yeah, what is it? Is your wife having her bear period? CLEVELAND: Oh, gross.
- Why would you say that? Let me get the next round.
I'm still playing with that sweet bonus.
Oh, actually, Cleveland, do you think I could use the $5 you would spend on that beer maybe for a sandwich for me? Seriously? What, am I buying rounds of food now? [LAUGHING]
Hey, I tell you what, Tim you show us your bear penis and I'll buy you a whole steak.
[LAUGHING]
Hey, Yogi.
Is it bigger than the average bear's? [LAUGHING]
He has a bear penis.
TIM: Go ahead and laugh at the financially struggling bear.
I hope I hope Jesus makes something bad happen to you.
There, I said it.
So were you serious about the penis
-for
-steak deal? You okay to drive? You're a little drunk.
Hell, thanks to my mama, I was born a little drunk.
[CLEVELAND LAUGHS]
- Oh, no, no, no.
Oh, no.
This is bad, man.
- Oh! Uh
-oh.
This will be my third DUI.
I'm gonna go to jail.
I'm gonna lose my job.
They're gonna make me cut my hair.
That there weed, it belongs to me.
Oh, I just did a solid for a friend.
You would have done the same thing.
[LAUGHING]
Oh, ET's finger.
Phone home.
[SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE]
You go on and get out of here.
I was driving this truck.
You're a good friend, man.
Thanks.
[TIRES SCREECH]
- Check him for dr*gs.
- Oh, that's r*cist.
No, this is r*cist.
Asian people are horrible drivers.
- Ooh
-hoo.
- Now get in the car.
- Ah.
- Ah.
So [LAUGHING]
Thanks for bailing me out, sweetheart.
Baby, I'm a ride
-or
-die bitch.
You know that.
You're a good man, Cleveland Brown, covering for your friend.
And I am proud to be your wife.
But we're in trouble, Donna.
I'll probably get fired for this.
And what if you go to jail? The thought of my man in prison, lifting rusty weights all day getting hard, fighting for his life in the shower all soaped up and shiny [SIGHS THEN MO ANS]
Mm
-hm.
b*ating down a man for fronting me in the yard.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, who the hell does he think he is anyway?
- What makes him think I won't cut him?
- Oh, Cleveland.
[TIRES SCREECH]
CLEVELAND: Okay, flip me over.
I'll be the girl first.
DONNA: What?
- This is prison we're talking about.
Hey, Junior, Roberta and I think you're obsessively cleaning everything because you have some unresolved issues about your parents' divorce.
I'm totally fine with the divorce.
As a matter of fact, I've never even cried about it.
Not one tear.
What? Why would I cry? I mean, nobody d*ed.
Just a family.
A family d*ed.
That's all it is.
A dead family.
That boy's in denial.
He's got to get it out.
You know, it's not like he doesn't have plenty of reasons to cry.
Yeah.
He's so fat, he'll probably die in his 40s.
Rallo, that's mean.
What if he heard you say that? He'd probably cry.
What's the name of that Jewish comedian?
- Don Rickles?
- Get him on the phone.
Oh, man.
Has Waterman talked to you yet? Not yet.
I hope he doesn't fire me.
I should be the one getting fired.
Fired by Jesus Christ, our lord and savior.
Big deal.
You showed your penis for food.
We all been there.
No, I was so jealous of Cleveland's success that I prayed to Jesus that something bad would happen to him.
I'm so sorry, Cleveland.
Tim, you are dumb.
Out of pity, I accept your apology.
Bye
-bye.
Cleveland, I'm sorry, but I can't tolerate the destruction of company property.
The truck is one thing.
But if anything had happened to Terry, well, l I don't know what I would've This company would have done.
He's a good worker, a good man, a strong robust, tastefully cologned man.
Okay.
Here's your tea, Mr.
Waterman.
Oh.
The point is, Cleveland, I'm afraid I have to let you go.
Oh, that's too bad.
I sure am gonna miss Terry.
He and I go a long way back.
We were on the swim team together.
- Did he wear a Speedo?
- Yes, he wore a Speedo.
That is, when you could get him to put on a bathing suit.
Hey, Junior.
Get in here for a minute.
- What's going on?
- We decided it's high time you cried.
But we got to ease you into it.
Good evening.
And welcome to the Roast of Cleveland Brown Jr.
A man so huge, his butt has its own zip code.
[PEOPLE LAUGH ON RECORDING]
[LAUGHING]
Are you saying I'm as large as a municipality? And now, a young lady who goes to third base faster than Rickey Henderson my sister, Roberta Tubbs.
Rallo Tubbs, everyone.
Or as he's soon to be known, "That's him, officer.
" [LAUGHS]
And Cleveland Brown Jr.
, or as you're soon to be known the poor bastard they buried in a piano case.
[PEOPLE LAUGH AND GRO AN ON RECORDING]
Speaking of Jews, here comes one in a big gross diaper.
Don Rickles impersonator Keith Lieb.
Thanks, Rallo.
Hey, look who it is.
A colored Shelley Winters.
That's hurtful even without knowing the reference.
Hey, Don, let's leave the colored out of it.
All right.
All right.
Look at this fat son of a bitch.
You put a hot plate in this kid, you got a Manhattan studio apartment.
[CRYING]
Stop making fun of me.
There it is.
Let out all the pain from your parents' divorce.
I promise you'll feel better.
I love you, guys.
Thank you.
We love you too, Junior.
What? Did KFC go out of business? I better get out of here before I get k*lled.
He's from a different time.
And that's why we called him the Wet Banana.
Oh, I could tell unnecessarily graphic stories about Terry all day but I gotta go pack up my desk.
Well, let's not be too hasty.
It's possible I overreacted.
- I assume you're sorry.
You're sorry, right?
- Very.
And if you stayed, you could tell me stories.
Say, one every morning over tea? Stories that, you know, Mrs.
Waterman wouldn't need to hear.
Stories that only a man should hear.
Well, if I come back, I'd like to work with Terry as an installer.
I don't wanna be chained to a desk.
Plus, Tim's your salesman.
- The bear?
- Yeah, you don't wanna lose him.
In fact, you should give him a raise.
- Have you seen his wienie?
- I have.
- Me too.
Magnificent.
- Isn't it weird? Isn't it weird? Yes.
[GRUNTING]
I don't know how you got out of it, but you did.
So, what's the plan, amigo? You're getting laid, I'm getting paid and we're doing it drunk.
- All right!
- Whoo! [CLEVELAND & TERRY WHOOPING]
TERRY: Hey, Cleveland, check it out! CLEVELAND: Huh?
- Oh.
TERRY: You owe me a steak.
CLEVELAND: Put that away.
TERRY: Ha, ha, ha.