[SINGING]
My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustache face This is The Cleveland Show [CHUCKLES]
Hey.
The restroom is right here.
Some skank is having a baby in there, man.
Oh.
Congratulations.
[BABY CRYING]
GIRL: Thank you.
- Hmm.
Babies making babies.
[GLASS BREAKS]
- Aah!
- Oh, fructose! Damn.
This school is more out of control than Amy Winehouse's hair.
Where have you been? It's 4 a.
m.
HAIR: Get off my back.
I hate you.
I hate this house.
I hate my life.
- I don't really hate you.
- I know, love.
Come to Mama.
There, there, baby.
Now, where is my head hair? Teabag City? More like "T
-rouble City" for whoever did this! [ALARM RINGING AND STUDENTS SCREAMING]
Remain calm.
It's a prank.
Football team, remain calm.
[FARQUHARE GRUNTING]
Marching band, remain calm.
[BAND PLAYING MARCH]
[FARQUHARE GRUNTING]
Cast of this season's Biggest Loser, remain calm.
[FARQUHARE GRUNTING]
[GRO ANS]
FARQUHARE [O VER SPEAKERPHONE]
: This is Principal Farquhare.
Good afternoon, concerned parents, teachers, and local busybodies.
I'm speaking to you from the Our Lady of Our Lord Jesus Christ Hospital's trample ward.
To end the anarchy at our school I've gathered the nine worst punks at Stoolbend High.
E.
L.
Fudge, Wowser, A.
K.
Rocca Lazy Eye, Fontaisha, BigSkeez Ho Punch, P
-Hound, and n*zi Greg.
- n*zi Greg's grandma d*ed.
He not here.
FARQUHARE: Sorry to hear that.
Donna, write a condolence card to n*zi Greg.
Now, as for the rest of you, I can't pin anything on you specifically.
But by the power of the Farquhare Doctrine, I can preemptively expel all of you.
[ALL MURMURING]
- This is fascist, man.
- Go back to Woodstock.
In my day, you could buy candy for a nickel.
[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
[BASEBALL BAT BANGING]
What we have here is a failure to communicate.
FARQUHARE: Cleveland Brown? What are you doing there? It's "Coach" Brown, Wally.
And what I'm doing is realizing that those who can, coach and those who can't, teach.
And it's time for this coach to teach these teachers how to coach these students to teach themselves how to coach one another while teaching us all Aren't there usually chips at these meetings? Don't you see? All these kids need is a sit
-down with a grown
-up who can give them the tough love they need.
Someone as wild and unconventional as they are with his outrageous behavior and shocking gutter talk.
Doggone it! Seems fine.
Doesn't seem to have any dents in it or anything.
The point is these kids need a hero.
[CHAIR CREAKS]
Oh, no.
One of the bolts came out where the seat adheres to the back support leg.
What about you, Coach Brown? Well, he did break a chair.
Then it's settled.
Coach Brown will save our school.
Godspeed you, black emperor.
Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh.
Rallo, Julius' costume party was a week ago.
What did I tell you about wearing that filthy thing? Oh, what did I tell you? This ain't a costume.
I am Superman.
- Stop it.
Stop!
- Stop what? I'm not doing anything.
- Get this damn thing Argh!
- I'm just standing here in this position.
- You smell foul.
Fine.
- Why don't you stop? That's right.
- Stink all to hell and get lice and suffer.
- Get in the kitchen and make my dinner.
[RALLO CHUCKLING]
Okay, guys.
Welcome to my home.
If you touch anything, let me know so I can get it professionally cleaned.
Actually, let me start over.
Welcome to my home.
Don't touch anything.
Hey, it's that lady from the school that has the big ass.
Language.
Hey, it's the lady from the school "who" has the big ass.
There you go.
Come on.
Let's boogie on down for our rap session.
You dig? Ah.
That's good tonic water.
Nobody wants a tonic? Okay.
Now, let's stop being polite and start getting real.
I know what you kids are up to.
Drinking beer, drinking whiskey, peeing in the bed, puking in the bed peeing on your puke, puking on your pee, same bull spit I used to do.
Whatever you've done, I've done worse.
Like what? I sh*t a kid.
He was 13 years old.
Oh, it was dark.
I couldn't see him.
He had a ray g*n.
Looked real enough.
When you're a rookie, they can teach you everything about being a cop except how to live with a mistake.
- Hold up.
Isn't that from Die Hard?
- Ahem.
Yes.
- I love that movie.
- Me too, ése.
- It's sick.
- You seen Bird On a Wire? You kind of look like the black guy in Die Hard.
Hold up.
Were you the black guy in Die Hard? Yes.
[STUDENTS CHEER]
STUDENT: Yeah, baby!
- I got something to say.
[SCATTING]
You're cool.
[STUDENTS CHEER]
STUDENT: Yeah, baby! There we go.
Now, doesn't friendship feel nice? Mm, it feels nice to me.
Hey, the eight of you could form a club.
You could call yourselves the Eight Positive Teens Who Are Making a Difference in Their Community.
Or EPTWAMADITC.
- How about the Crazy Eights?
- Yeah!
- Crazy Eights!
- That's tight! [STUDENTS CHEER]
Hooray for Cleveland, our leader.
Ha
-ha
-ha Oh.
Yo, Eights.
Let me holler at you.
I been around, seen a lot of things, know a lot of things.
But you know what I don't know? I don't know what to do with all these jackets.
Ha, ha.
Here.
Put them on.
[STUDENTS CHEER]
But these aren't gifts.
They're an investment in your future.
Which will be nothing without a real
-world skill.
So today, we're going into business.
But we don't know nothing about business, homes.
But I do.
We're gonna sell a product that people can't live without.
JUNIOR: How about cookies? Junior, what are you doing here? I'm kind of a troubled teen too, if you think about it.
Junior's a legacy.
He's in.
And cookies it is.
We're gonna be a cookie
-selling operation.
How're we supposed to make money selling cookies, huh? Easy.
Some of you will put the goods together.
And if you don't have enough to make a full batch just cut in some extra baking powder.
No one's gonna notice.
And some of you will handle the distribution.
Street corners and bad neighborhoods are great places to push your product.
Give poor people something to live for.
And here's a little tip.
The first one's always free.
Because once you get them hooked, they're customers for life.
I know some people who are straight
-up junkies for cookies.
We all do.
Hey, I got a cousin in Colombia who got tons of powder
- I mean baking powder.
- Call him.
We can learn everything we need to know on the Internet about cooking up a batch, uh, of cookies.
Yeah.
The Internet has a plethoras of information.
- I love a sugar high.
- Everybody does.
[CHEERS]
I'm gonna be the cookie kingpin of Stoolbend.
Seems fine.
Oh, it's cracked.
Let's get the hell out of here.
I definitely don't wanna get in no trouble.
Hey, g*ng.
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
Hey, Super Smurf, where are you going? The Fortress of Solitude, otherwise known as the crapper.
Ha! I'm gonna use that one.
Hey, check it out, homes.
Here's your cut, dawg.
Thank you!
- What's on the menu today, son?
- Snickerdoodles.
Snicker, please.
Mm, mm.
It's great what you've done for these kids.
Lord knows we need the extra cash.
But do you find all this a bit suspicious? Junior's the only one making cookies.
And you and the kids eat most of them.
But the club brings in a thousand dollars a day.
Hadn't thought about it.
I guess I was too busy thinking about our new flat
-screen TV.
[DONNA SQUEALING]
I love you, baby.
Ooh! Ooh! Yes, Donna.
I'm making the world a little better.
I haven't felt this good since I helped that homeless person.
Pay it forward, Stinky.
Whew.
Hey, I need to get some cash for the weekend.
Hang a left.
Some of my kids are out selling.
[CAR ALARM BLARING]
Yo, A.
K.
What you got for me today?
- This feels light.
- Yeah, well, you know.
No, I don't know.
What's up, A.
K? Nutty Buddies ain't selling today? People love Nutty Buddies.
Look at me when I'm talking to you.
You holding out on me? I look like Nintendo? That why you playing me?
- Huh?
- All right, listen.
There's another club down on Avenue 49 called the Stoolbloods.
And they sell cookies too.
And they weren't too cool with us selling cookies on their corner.
So they stole our supplies and our money.
How many times I tell you, never keep the money and the supplies together.
[SIGHS]
Avenue 49, huh?
- Go!
- Go, what?
- Go, please.
- There you go.
[CLEVELAND GRO ANS]
[BANGING]
Good evening, m*therf*ckers.
Who the hell are you? Cleveland m*therf*cking Brown, m*therf*cker.
Oh, did I interrupt you cooking up a batch with our baking soda? Gonna cr*ck a few eggs in there, cup of brown sugar teaspoon of vanilla extract, walnuts to taste? Hold up.
His nonsensical ramblings have piqued my interest.
Please continue.
I am the leader of the Crazy Eights.
And if you come near my kids again or even think of selling on our corner I will wait for the first snow of winter so I may spell my name when I whiz on your grave.
Dad? Are we still going to Williams
-Sonoma? In a minute.
Wait in the car.
Good kid.
Wish he'd lose the apron.
Looks like Clay Aiken's sex bib.
You know, the Clay Aiken Christmas CD is actually pretty good.
Can't hold a Christmas candle to David Archuleta.
What did I tell you about David Archuleta? You know how much money I lost on David Archuleta? Sorry, Mobstabba.
I thought you made it back on Christian Siriano.
Not all of it.
No.
You listen to me.
I ordered a big old concrete lawn goose.
And I want it here tonight.
Somebody order a goose? [DOORBELL RINGS]
Good Morgen.
- What's up?
- Yo, sí.
Hey, did somebody lose this?
- How'd you get that?
- I simply let the Stoolbloods know they chose the wrong n*gro to futz with.
Hey, C
-bro.
There's a few things we gotta tell you.
Always got time to conversate with my homies.
Okay, g*ng.
What's the good word? What you believe to be a bag of flour and sugar is not.
- It's cocaine.
- Mm
-hm.
- And heroin.
- Mm
-hm.
Because we don't sell cookies.
- We sell dr*gs
- Okay.
out of your house.
- Okay.
- Which kind of makes you a g*ng leader.
- Mm
-hm.
And you just stole about $ 10,000 worth of narcotics from the most vicious g*ng in town.
- Mm
-hm, mm
-hm.
Which means they're gunning for your ass right now.
I see.
[SCREAMING]
I'm gonna die.
I'm gonna die.
[SCREAMS]
I accused them of fornicating their own mothers.
They're tough.
I've only been acting tough.
Gotta dump the coke.
[HYPERVENTILATING]
Why is this happening to me? Okay, okay.
Flush, flush, flush.
[TOILET FLUSHES]
Okay, go away.
Bye
-bye.
No more problems.
All right, thank you.
Okay.
There's no evidence now.
We'll just lay low for a while.
How bad can these Stoolbloods really be? [CELL PHONE RINGING]
Hold up.
- Hello?
- We got your son.
They've got Junior.
[SCREAMS]
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God! You want him alive, you bring back our merchandise.
Well, how long have I got? Well, what time is it now? Eleven
-forty
-one.
- So I'm gonna say, uh, 11:51.
- Ten minutes? [LINE DISCONNECTS]
I think I speak for all of us when I say I am so sorry about the death of your son.
Thank you.
This has been a difficult Hey, Junior is not dead.
I am going to save my son.
CLEVELAND: He's not dead yet.
All right.
Anyone else need to use the bathroom? STUDENTS: Mm
-mm.
- Good.
Now we've only got eight minutes left to save Junior.
Come on! What are you waiting for? The next Jim Jarmusch film? Let's go! We're scared, okay? We're high
-school kids, man.
- We didn't wanna get in this deep.
- I don't wanna die.
- I got six children of my own, homes.
- Come here.
[LAZY EYE SNIFFS]
Who made you cookies when you had the munchies? Who was always there with a smile and a glass of milk? Whose idea was it to sell cookies in the first place which covered up your whole damn racket? Who? [P
-HOUND & WOWSER GRUNT]
[SCATTING]
- Junior.
- That's right.
- Now, how many of y'all are packing?
- g*ns? I got in trouble for starting a food fight.
Oh, you guys are pathetic.
You know they've got g*ns.
- Hey, Lester! Can we borrow some g*ns? LESTER: How many? Eight.
Then let's peel some caps.
[STUDENTS CHEERING]
- Hi, Cleveland.
- Go back to Quahog.
Okay.
- Tell 'em where you're from
- Straight outta Compton A brother with his finger on the trigger More punks I take out, my rep gets bigger I'm a ruthless villain and you know it But the suckers in the public Won't show this But I don't really care I'm gonna make my snaps If not from the records From jackin' the crops [CAR HORN HONKS]
CLEVELAND: Crazy Eights! BOTH [IN UNISON]
: Rock, paper, scissors, sh**t.
Rock, paper, scissors, sh**t.
[MAN GRO ANS]
[ENGINE REVVING]
If you ever mess with me You'll get taken by a stupid dope brother Who will smother Word to the mother, yeah Straight outta Compton Compton, Comp Give me back my son.
Where's my boy?
- Where's our merchandise?
- Hi, Daddy.
I said, where's our merchandise? RALLO: Look.
Up in the sky.
Rallo? How'd you get here? I hid in that empty duffel bag that you had the coke in before you flushed it down the toilet.
Uh That's not, uh I didn't I don't even own a toilet.
Have no fear, citizens.
I am Superman.
[ALL GASP]
Superman.
Say, Jim, that's a bad outfit! Whoo! Uh
-oh.
Narc.
Time to kiss your stash goodbye.
- Aah!
- Wait! Don't! It's not his fault.
C
-Bro's the only person who ever cared about us kids.
And we blew it.
I was gonna sell a few grams on the side.
But this stuff is nothing but trouble.
You can have it.
I know it ain't much but let him go.
For a dime bag? I don't think so, punk.
Yo, I got a bag of meth.
I'll bust out the sticky icky for my boy Cleveland.
I got Chinese opium my moms gave me.
Here's a big old bag of stinkweed.
Fudge got PCP for Cleveland.
Here's a balloon full of pills I swallowed two days ago.
To sir, with love.
They are our future.
MAN: Cleveland, it's me.
CLEVELAND: My brother Broderick? I thought you were shipped off to the Middle East.
I was.
But I heard you were in trouble.
So I raided a Blackwater operative and stole his 250 pounds of Afghani heroin.
The best heroin in the world.
I'm the richest man in Stoolbend.
Don't ever let me see your face again.
Sir, I shall avoid you like Nicole Kidman avoids things that will make her laugh.
[MAID FARTS]
[NICOLE KIDMAN SNORTS]
[GIGGLING]
[LAUGHING]
Guess I'll drop you kids off at home.
Actually, you can drop me off at the mall.
I'm gonna see if I can get a job folding sweaters.
My cousin's a non
-union electrician.
Maybe I could get a job with him.
- Word.
g*ng life sucks.
- I heard that.
- Yup.
- I'm gonna keep my next baby.
Well, I hope you kids learned your lesson.
And that lesson is do not come near me or my family or I will rip each one of you a new anus.
[TIRES SQUEAL]
I found two large on the floor of that warehouse.
Hmm.
Well, I guess we could use 1000 to repair the living
-room ceiling.
What if Rallo and I split the other 1000 in exchange for never telling Donna about your impossibly poor judgment and bad parenting? I could do that.
I wanna spend my $500 at Burger Boy.
Could we stop? Ha! I hope you kids learned something today too.
About dr*gs, which are bad.
Except for the ones which aren't, like ibuprofen and aspirin.
Marijuana is also okay if it's legally prescribed by a doctor in any of the 13 states where such laws apply: Alaska, California, Colorado, Hawaii, Maine, Michigan Montana, Nevada, New Mexico, Oregon Rhode Island, Vermont and Washington.
[SINGSONG Y]
Time for a road trip.
[CHUCKLES]
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Don't you judge me.
Half of you are high right now.