03x01 - October 12, 2000

[bunniefuu]

Drew: good evening, and welcome to "whose line is it anyway?

" On tonight's show -- this is the first fish I ever caught -- wayne brady.

I got this one down in mexico -- kathy greenwood.

I caught this one up in canada -- colin mochrie.

And, hey, wave your hand in front of this one.

He sings and tells jokes -- ryan stiles.

I'm drew carey, your host.

Come on down.

Let's have some fun.

Hello.

Hello.

Good evening, and welcome to "whose line is it anyway?

", The show where everything's made up and the points don't matter, just like twinkies light.

They do not mean a thing.

These guys are going to make up everything you see, then we gives them these stupid points, we pick a fake winner, and the winner gets to do something special with me.

[ Audience howls ]

The loser gets a happy meal, and I am not talking about mcdonald's.

So let's get the show started with a game called "weird newscasters.

" This is for all four of you.

Colin, you're the anchor of a news show.

Kathy, you're the co-anchor.

You're colin's nagging, overbearing wife.

Wayne, you're doing the sports.

You are the munchkins from "the wizard of oz.

" And ryan is the weatherman, and ryan's going to show us why he's known around the station as "mr.

Sexual harassment.

" [ Laughter and applause ]

Man, where do we get these ideas?

Whenever you hear the music, colin, take it away.

[ Music plays ]

Welcome to the 6:00 news.

I'm your anchor, horst you rode in on.

Our top story tonight dr.

Linguine and his trampolining sheep, hit the floor.

According to one eyewitness, everything was fine until one extremely high bounce, the fan.

And then the sheep hi and now over to my lovely, lovely co-anchor -- sarah bellum.

Sara.

Why should I tell you anything?

You don't listen to a word I say anyway.

Well, dear, I -- if you'd just do what I ask you to do.

Light bulbs aren't fixed, the lawn is growing up weeds -- don't look at me that way.

Oh, that passive-aggressive, doe-eyed "feel sorry for me" that got me to marry you.

And what a loser I was to do it.

Well, thank you for that enlightening story.

Thank you for nothing, buddy.

Thank you.

And now over to sports with abdula oblongata.

[ High-pitched voice ]

Well it's time for the sports today it was incredible.

That baseball game was going on as scheduled, when all of a sudden a big house came and k*lled the pitcher.

[ Humming ]

Oh-ee-oh, it was 3 to 0 oh-ee-oh, the score was 3 to 0 ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Back to you, big guy.

Thank you, abdula.

This just in -- helium prices up.

Well, at least something is.

Well, now it's time for the weather.

Let's go see what's happening this week in the weather with lee bido.

Lee?

Weather.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Ahem.

Well, let's take a look at the weather.

As you can see, we've got a huge cold front coming up from the south, and two little cold fronts on the east.

Would you do something?

Things are going to get really, really hot.

And we got two cold fronts moving in from the west, the centers being the tropical point right here.

So later on in the week, things are going to get a little wet -- really moist, if you know what I'm saying.

Are you going to let him do this?

Back to you.

You're going to let him talk to me that way?

Do something about it.

Little weak little loser of a -- you're pathetic, an embarrassment.

Oops, dropped my pointer.

Oh, yeah.

Well, that's all the news we have.

Join us tomorrow for the 6:00 news.

Good night.

[ Music plays ]

That was great.

I'm going to give you guys time-life points for that.

That's one point a month for the rest of your stinkin' life.

Let's go on to a game called "song styles.

" This is for wayne, with laura hall and linda taylor.

Uh ha ha ha ha.

He's looking around like, "I wonder where drew went.

Oh!" What's your name?

Maureen.

What do you do?

I work for a teen magazine.

Which one?

Teen style.

She's a writer for teen style.

Come on down here, maureen.

Are you a contributing editor or something?

I'm the editor.

You're the editor of teen style?

Oh, my god.

Come and say hi to maureen.

Hi, maureen.

Have a seat.

Teen style! I can't believe that.

Maureen's the editor of teen style.

How do I look, baby?

Come on, tell me, huh?

Man, if you can't hit this one out of the park, I don't know.

You're going to sing a song to maureen, who is the editor of teen style magazine, as sisqo wow.

Okay.

Who, just in case you don't know, is famous for "the thong song.

" So take it away.

[ R & b music playing ]

Unh what's up, maureen?

How you doing, baby?

Maureen, maureen, maureen now look at that girl right there look at her sittin' in that chair do you wanna stand?

Do you watch me glare?

I like you do you want to stand just once in a while?

The editor of that teen style because I want to get just really close to you she's got pen and paper, put it on the pad oh, my goodness, don't get mad what do you want?

So what can I do?

'Cause I want to give it to you say yeah, yeah, unh unh unh, maureen now, maureen, do you see that I do that?

Because you realize I like to rap can you tell me something?

What do you think?

Can you introduce me to 'nsync?

Oh, yeah her name is maureen maureen, maureen, maureen maureen, every time that I sing this song got a shirt, do you wear a thong?

Maureen, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah maureen, maureen, maureen maureen, unh I'll see you later, girl, when you put me in your magazine.

Know what I'm saying?

Sisqo the dragon.

Look at that.

I'm so sorry.

Drew: thank you, maureen.

Thank you very much.

Thanks.

That was lovely.

Thank you very much.

All right.

Hey, 10 extra points for putting the stool back.

Hoorah.

Hoorah.

Let's go on to a game now called "scenes from a hat.

" This is one of my favorite games.

We have the audience write down suggestions, and one of the things we have them write down is scenes they'd like to see.

They're going to act out as many as they can, starting with "bad things to do during an earthquake.

" Gee, time to split that atom.

[ Buzzer ]

A vasectomy doesn't hurt.

[ Buzzer ]

"Graffiti found in the white house restroom.

" For a good time, just try the next door to the left.

[ Buzzer ]

There's nothing like a cuban.

You must be at least this high to ride the ride.

[ Buzzer ]

"Rejected names for bras.

" Flat and flappy.

[ Buzzer ]

New -- nip ups.

[ Buzzer ]

Pulley boys.

[ Buzzer ]

The new wonder blub-blub-blub.

[ Buzzer ]

Milk duds.

[ Buzzer ]

"Unfortunate wedding night confessions.

" Or just -- ha ha.

Just use your own if you have to.

Ha ha.

Um I'm drew carey.

Aah! [ Buzzer ]

I'm sorry.

That's okay.

Hey, good luck with your new show, man.

Ha ha.

"Inappropriate compliments to give your mother.

" You are looking hot.

[ Buzzer ]

Are you wearing a milk duds?

You are?

[ Buzzer ]

I'm going to get you all for this.

"What drew carey's thinking right now.

" I wish ryan was standing on this side so I could look at his ass.

[ Buzzer ]

Hey, we'll be right back with more "whose line" right after this.

Don't go away.

Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?

" Where everything's made up and the points don't matter.

You know what we found out during the break?

They found water on mars.

You know what that means?

Another bottle of $4 imported water.

Let's go on to a game -- oh, this is a great game.

I don't think we've ever done this before.

It's called "what are you trying to say?

" In this game, ryan and colin are going to be two easily offended guys who keep taking offense at what the other person says.

It's called "what are you trying to say?

" Colin is being fitted for a suit by ryan.

Take it away whenever you're ready.

Let me just get that last measurement there.

Thank you.

I need this for the wedding.

I need it really quickly, if I can.

It could take about a week to do.

So what are you trying to say?

Are you trying to say that I'm so big, my bum is so big, you need to order to various countries far away to get enough material to make a pair of pants so I can fit my incredibly obese buttocks into a pair of your specially made little suits?

No, I mean I'm the only one working here this week.

Oh, okay.

Oh, that would be great.

I'm just wondering about the color.

It seems kind of dark.

I wonder if I could have a lighter color, maybe a light blue.

So what are you saying?

I don't know colors?

I don't know about suits?

I was some unemployed guy begging for money and they threw me in here to try to fit people?

You don't think I know anything about suits?

Is that what you're saying?

You think the dark, then?

I'll go with the dark.

I'm sorry, I I thought we'd put a double-breasted on you because it would look nicer, I think.

Drew: ha ha ha ha ha! Colin: what are you saying?

Are you saying double-breasted because I should be wearing some milk duds or something?

Because I happened to weigh a little more when I was younger, and then lost some weight, that I'm stretchy in the nipple area, and so now my breasts flap like two large winged socks flapping in the wind even though there's no wind and I should have something to keep my breasts in so they don't poke people's eyes out?

Is that what you're trying to say?

No, I'm just saying they're on sale.

Really?

How much?

$38.

99.

$38.

99?

Okay.

Well, I'll have that, then.

I'll take that.

So I have the suit, I have the shoes, maybe a nice hat with a nice ribbon or a big handkerchief.

What are you trying to say?

I'm a guy who can wear a hat, huh?

Look at the tall freak, probably can't fit a ha on that huge melon of his?

It's going to slip down over my head and down my scrawny neck onto my shoulders and I'll look like some cartoon character?

Yeah, actually, that's what I was trying to say.

[ Buzzer ]

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Man, I laughed so hard, I almost busted out of my milk duds.

Okay, let's play a game called "party quirks.

" Kathy, you're going to be hosting a party, why don't you come down here?

Wayne, colin, and ryan are going to be the guests.

We've given each of them a strange quirk or identity, and, kathy, you have to guess what they are.

I'll bring you in with the doorbell.

[ Doorbell ]

Okay.

Hi! [ Imitates drums b*ating ]

[ Imitates tiger growling ]

[ Imitates elephant trumpeting ]

[ Imitates trumpet fanfare ]

[ Speaks native language ]

[ Imitating drums b*ating ]

Great.

[ Speaks native language ]

Ha ha.

Well his majesty enjoys your 2-bedroom apartment.

[ Speaks native language ]

[ Doorbell ]

Excuse me.

Gosh, you're fun at a party.

Hi.

Hi, how are you?

I'm great.

Come on in.

I'm hungry.

Are you?

Well, we've got food he-- ah, excellent.

Got some cheese to go with the ham?

Yeah, uh [ speaks native language ]

You must not let your guests devour the chief.

[ Speaks native language ]

Do you have anything leaner?

[ Doorbell ]

Excuse me for a minute.

Hello, come onin.

Oh, someone's worn the same thing I have.

Well, i-i'm sorry.

I-i just -- you know -- it's the finest form of flattery, isn't it?

Oh, is it?

Is it really?

I don't think so.

I'm putting on streisand.

Excellent! A sub.

Whoever that was, do it again.

Mm.

[ Speaks native language ]

You're speaking my lingo, big man.

Tom-tom papa.

Tom-tom papa to you.

He wishes you to marry him.

[ Speaks native language ]

We must perform the ceremony.

[ Imitates drums b*ating ]

Oh! Listen, it's great having, uh whoever that is, never stop.

It's great having the entire "lion king" show here at my party.

Drew: no.

Ryan: does this look like something from "the lion king"?

It looks something like -- from a fashion show?

If you were a top supermodel a supermodel working their way down?

I don't think so.

Well, if you're rupaul, then, or -- drew: close enough.

Wayne: [ speaks native language ]

In our country they do not wear milk duds.

You should let yours free.

[ Speaks native language ]

Well, um i-i-i'm sure you come from some strange island, uh, tribe, and I'm glad you're here with your chief.

Um [ buzzer ]

Okay.

Now, I don't know who you are, but you just stay away.

Got any fries?

Okay, you're very hungry, you're a bit of a pig, and you like eating people's butts.

[ Buzzer ]

Oh, it was so easy.

We'll be right back with more "whose line is it anyway?

" Don't go away.

Hello, welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?

" Tonight's winner -- kathy greenwood.

Kathy greenwood's the winner, at the desk there.

We're going to do a game called "the irish drinking song," and what it is is we make up a drinking song one line at a time, and what we need from the audience is, by applause, who do you want us to sing about?

Ryan [ audience applauds ]

Colin wayne [ audience applauds ]

Drew.

[ Audience cheering ]

So an irish drinking song abouã¡cme, one line aa time, with the help of laura hall on the piano.

Take it away.

Oh all: hidee didee didee didee didee didee di I've seen him on network tv he's seen him on the streets he's always got a great big smile he's looking kind of neat he has short hair and glasses and other things that aren't so short he is very kind and this I will retort oh, hidee didee didee didee didee didee di I hear he is a nice guy he dresses really well the tall guy on his show's funny and the black guy's really swell ha ha ha.

But let's not forget his bald friend because he's really good sure, he's got lots of money you'll never catch him in the hood oh, hidee didee didee didee didee didee di he's generous to all his friends he's got lots of cash and if you go over to his place he'll kick you in the ash he's got a great big tv he lets you watch it there and then you can watch the big screen at the lilith fair oh, hidee didee didee didee didee didee di his glasses are kind of funny and people think they're fake especially these glasses he is quite a rake oh, but he's a very good guy now and he has telepathic powers and he can fly through the airplane he's worn a thong for hours oh, hidee didee didee didee didee didee di oh, hidee didee didee [ harmonizing ]

Didee didee didee di we'll be right back with more "whose line is it anyway?

" Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?

" We're going to end the show with somebody reading the credits, and that someone's going to be kathy and colin.

Kathy, you are a bad-tempered film star complaining to angry director colin about your costars.

We'll see you next time.

Thanks for watching.

I've had it, do you understand?

I'm not working with mark leveson anymore.

I work with ryan stiles.

You think that's easy?

Don't yell at me.

Without me, you've only got tom park.

If I had drew carey, this would be going off with no problems at all.

You want me to walk?

I'll take ray miller with me.

Take your entire entourage with eve mcgorrill, everyone.

Fine.

Julie rhine, come with me, baby.

Oh, I wish you would -- then mark matthews would put this production on the map.

I quit!