03x04 - October 19, 2000

[bunniefuu]

Drew: good evening, everybody, and welcome to "whose line is it anyway?

" On tonight's show -- hey, what's your problem, bud?

Greg proops.

Want to take it outside?

Wayne brady.

You want a piece of me?

Colin mochrie.

And not in the face -- ryan stiles.

And I'm your host drew carey.

Come on down.

Let's have some fun.

Thank you.

It's okay.

Thank you very much.

Welcome to "whose line is it anyway?

" Where everything's made up and the points don't matter.

The points are just like the clinton legacy.

Doesn't matter.

These guys are going to make up everything off the top of their heads, and then we give them these fakey points, we pick a winner, and the winner gets to do something with me.

The loser gets a bowflex.

I'm not talking about the exercise machine.

Oh.

Let's start out with a game called "weird newscasters.

" Greg, you're the anchor of a news show.

Your co-anchor is colin.

Colin, you're a frat boy in a car with your buddies.

Wayne, you're doing the sports.

You are a miss fitness usa pageant contestant.

And, ryan, in an effort to keep you strange, you are an inca high priest who must sacrifice a virgin.

And, uh, I want to remind you, if you come near my desk, I'll k*ll you.

Whenever you hear the music, take it away, greg.

[ News music plays ]

Good evening.

Welcome to the action news.

I'm enormously gifted.

And these are the headlines -- elvis presley found working at doug's snack 'n' bowl in dothan, alabama, biff?

Fudge! Fudge! Fudge! Whoo! Whoo! Whoa! Ha ha ha ha! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Hope we find some women! Hope we find some this just in -- underage drinking is bad.

And speaking of bad, ain't no one badder than our sports person wayne brady.

Wayne, what's going on over at the sports desk?

Today I'll be delivering the sports, but just not any sports.

Sports to each and every girl across america who refuses to sit on her butt and who wants to do something with herself like me.

[ Hums bouncy tune ]

You can do this just like me.

It's okay.

It's all right.

You can do it just like me.

Are you ready?

Go! Whoo! Come on, let's go! Whoo! Let's go! I feel it, I feel it, to the right, to the right.

And you can't stop me now.

No, you can't stop me now.

No, you can't stop me now.

Unh-unh, I won't do that, no.

Whoo! Whoo! [ Crying ]

Thank you.

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Wow, she's ugly, but look at that body! Whoo-oo-oo-oo-oo! Yeah.

Let's throw it over to the high priest of weather ryan stiles.

Ryan, what's on tap?

Thank you very much, greg.

Friday we have rain moving in.

Saturday, volcanic eruptions that will destroy the earth unless we make a sacrifice to the god of eruption! [ Audience cheering ]

We're going to die! We're going to die! Ha ha ha ha! This just in -- virginity abolished in southern california.

Whoo! That's been the news.

Stay tuned for "when desserts att*ck" after this.

Good night.

[ News music plays ]

Is that what you're choosing to do, wayne, when you find out we're all going to die -- just grab the first bald guy you can?

When you're trying to be fit.

It's the billy blanks "kojak" tae bo diet.

Yeah.

[ Drew laughing ]

Oh, man.

Oh.

Let's go on to a game called "sound effects.

" This is for ryan and colin.

Hi, and what's your name?

Marie.

Ann.

Why don't you come down here with me, marie and ann?

It's a pleasure.

Thank you.

Come right over to the side right there.

Here's your microphone.

Here's your microphone.

Right over to the side there, right in front of the telephone.

I want you -- you're going to do sound effects for ryan and colin.

Oh.

During their scene, they'll prompt you by what they say, and then you do sound effects for them.

Be as creative as you'd like.

The scene is you're two firemen sleeping in the station house when the alarm sounds.

Take it away.

[ Both snoring ]

Whoa! Thought I heard an alarm.

[ Imitates bell ringing ]

Oh! Oh! Was that the alarm or just a sick bird?

I thought I heard one.

[ Buzzing ]

Oh, there's a bee in the alarm.

We'd better get going.

We'd better find out where it is.

Let me get on the phone.

[ Imitates dial tone buzzing ]

What's with all the bees?

Fourth and main.

Fourth and main?

We'd better get our stuff on.

[ Imitates fabric rustling ]

Yours all wet?

Yeah.

[ Makes whooshing sound ]

Better close the window.

There's a breeze coming through.

All right, ready to go down the pole?

[ Both imitate slide whistle ]

I'm stuck.

We really got to wax these things.

Let's wax them down.

[ Imitates wax pouring ]

Ready?

That new silent wax really does the job.

Sure does.

[ Both imitate slide whistle ]

Not only did we have fun, the poles did, too.

All right.

Come here, sparky! [ Imitates dog barking ]

We need a bigger dog.

Get up there, boy.

All right.

[ Imitates door closing ]

Damn duck.

Is your door working?

Mine [ imitates door closing ]

I can't get it to seem to lock.

[ Imitates door closing ]

Japanese imports.

All right.

Hey, wait a minute.

Let me start up the engine.

[ Imitates engine cranking ]

It's dead! [ Imitates door closing ]

Marie: whoo! Whoo! Colin: there, that should start it.

Ready?

Yeah.

[ Imitates engine starting ]

It's going to take us hours to get there with this tiny engine.

Hang on.

Hit the siren.

[ Imitating siren ]

Okay, here we are.

Wait, someone's screaming for help! Ann: [ high voice ]

Aah! Oh, help! Help! Ryan: it's an old indian woman.

Quick, get the trampoline! Both: jump! Jump! Jump! Here she comes! Here she comes! [ Screams ]

We should have put something in there to stop her.

[ Buzzer ]

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Ryan: that was good.

That was great, and, hey, see you at soccer practice on saturday.

Oh, man, that was great.

Whoo! Whoo! Okay, let's go on to a game called "song styles.

" This is for wayne, with laura hall on piano and linda taylor on guitar.

What I need from the audience is a suggestion of an electrical appliance.

[ Shouting suggestions ]

That's a good one.

Coffee grinder.

Thank you very much.

This is actually going to be for you, and then the rest of you are going to join in.

You're going to do a song and dance number from "the rocky horror picture show" about a coffee grinder.

Take it away, laura hall, linda -- have fun, guys.

[ Playing rock music ]

It's amazing it's hot like lava you can use it to make your java it's quite amusing best I've seen when you take your hand and you crush your beans I was walking down the street, what could I do?

And all of a sudden, I was telling you take it, and it always becomes the coffee grinder let's make the coffee again everybody! Let's make the coffee again first you grab the beans you put it inside and then you grind from side to side and then you take the beans and put it inside the cup and then your java your java starts to erupt let's make coffee again let's make coffee again let's grind! Thank you.

[ Buzzer ]

We'll be right back with more "whose line" right after this.

Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?

" Where everything's made up and the points don't matter.

You know what's weird?

Last week I went bowling, there was a nude bowling tournament going on.

All these naked people bowling, they still made them wear shoes.

Let's move on to a game called "news flash.

" This is for greg, ryan, and colin.

Greg and ryan are two news anchors, and colin's going to be in the field as a reporter on a breaking news story.

Now, colin has to guess what's behind him 'cause all he can see is a green screen like weathermen see on your local news show.

He'll never be able to see what's behind him or anything.

Ryan and greg are going to try to give him hints.

So here we go.

Off to ryan and greg in the studio.

Greg: we interrupt this very special 4-hour "dharma and greg" with a news flash from the field.

Ryan?

We now go to award-winning reporter colin mochrie who is covering this late-breaking story.

Colin mochrie, can you hear me at the moment?

Yes, I can barely hear you.

Colin as you can see, it's just pandemonium.

Colin, can you keep us abreast of what's going on?

I certainly can.

As you can see, a lot of action is here, but there's some over here, too.

Oh, really?

Right here.

There seems to be a lot of excitement and exuberance.

Can you describe your feelings with what's going on there?

Well, I'm just trying to keep up with them.

Ha ha ha ha! Greg: can you tell us what you can -- can you describe what you can see?

Sure.

Look.

In a way, it's beautiful.

The words escape me because I have not seen anything -- I have never been this close to this kind of action ever.

Colin?

Yes?

It's ryan again.

I was gone for a minute.

How did this all start, colin?

Oh, my lord.

It all started with a tae bo "kojak" class.

Uh-huh?

People are shaving their heads and getting into the exercise thing, and this happened.

With the weather as hot as it is, I wonder, might you move aside for a minute so we can see what's behind you there?

As you can see I wish I had my camera.

We wish you weren't there.

Pardon?

We wish you would move.

This is one of those stories where you're just getting in the way, colin.

Am i?

Well, it's my job to be here.

I'm going to stick my nose in there and make sure that I get every bit of information I can! I am going to snoop around until I get to the bottom of this.

Hey, colin, it may be horrible there, and maybe two thongs don't make a right.

That is so true.

[ Buzzer ]

Colin, can you take one giant step to your left and try to guess where you are?

There we go.

Where are you?

Uh, some semi-naked women with bums?

That's close enough, yeah.

Now that's what I call a game.

I don't care who you are, that's good tv.

Right on, brother.

Something for the kids, grandma -- everybody.

Let's go on to a game called "irish drinking songs.

" This is for all four of you with laura hall on the piano.

Thank you, laura hall.

I want a theme from the audience that's something you think might happen to you that you want to keep secret.

Man: voted for ross perot.

Voted for ross perot.

So what they're going to do is they're going to do an irish drinking song ha ha.

One line at a time, so let's hear the "voted for ross perot" irish drinking song.

Oh lai dee dai dee dai dee dai dee dai dee dai dee dai who's the little man with the giant ears?

I voted for him years ago he bought me lots of beers he was a millionaire and he had lots of cash and he used it, used it all he never bought me [ bleep ]

Oh, ai dee dai dee dai dee dai dee dai dee dai dee dai he was a tiny billionaire tiny as can be he didn't get a lot of votes he got me he ran on the reform ticket and he had big feet but he's still my favorite he cannot be b*at oh, ai dee dai dee dai dee dai dee dai dee dai dee dai his party was a strange one I voted anyway I went and I cast my ballot I laughed along the way he lost by a landslide but I still support him so I wonder what he's doing now I heard he lives alone oh, ai dee dai dee dai dee dai dee dai dee dai dee dai I hope he runs again someday maybe in a couple years I hope when he runs this time he gets better ears again he'll have my vote there you will see because there is no one else ha ha ha, hee hee oh, ai dee dai dee dai dee dai dee dai dee dai dee dai [ buzzer ]

Let's go to a commercial.

We'll be right back for more "whose line.

" Don't go away.

Hey, welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?

" Tonight's winner -- wayne brady.

We're going to do a game called "world's worst.

" What's the world's worst that we're coming up with?

"World's worst things to say or do on a romantic date.

" "World's worst things to say or do on a romantic date," and I guess here we go.

I brought the limes.

[ Buzzer ]

Hi, my parole officer says I have to show you a copy of my criminal record before we're allowed to go out.

[ Buzzer ]

I know this is only our second d-- I love you! Be with me! [ Buzzer ]

You look very beautiful.

[ Buzzer ]

Hey, you want to see a picture of my penis?

[ Buzzer ]

Hey, want to see a picture of drew carey's penis?

[ Buzzer ]

Let's see, you had the big mac.

That's $2.

[ Buzzer ]

Hope you don't mind, I thought we'd just sit at home here and watch "geppetto.

" [ Buzzer ]

We just want to say we had a great time, didn't we?

We sure did.

We had a great time.

[ Buzzer ]

Thanks for inviting me up, melanie, I -- nintendo?

[ Buzzer ]

Sorry I'm late.

Me and the wife just had a big fight.

[ Buzzer ]

Nice, very nice.

Thank you.

We'll be right back with more "whose line" right after this.

Don't go away.

Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?

" Tonight I want you all to read the credits as guys who are desperate for money watching a horse race at the track.

Thanks for watching, everybody.

Bye.

Dapatterson?

What do you call that?

Come on, go.

Go, go, go! Go, dan patterson, go! Come on, come on, come on! Drew carey.

That was drew carey.

Come on! Go, go, go, run! Come on, come on.

Come on! You suck! You stupid -- come on.

You got your feet up on the dashboard.