03x16 - January 25, 2001

[bunniefuu]

To "whose line is it anyway?

", on tonight's show Nothing up my sleeve wayne brady.

Pick a number between one and chip esten.

Just say the magic words colin mochrie.

And watch me pull a rabbit out of ryan stiles.

I'm your host drew carey.

Come on down.

Let's have some fun.

Hello.

Hello, hello, hello.

Welcome to "whose line is it anyway?

" The show where everything's made up And the points don't matter.

That's right, points are useless, Just like a degree from an on-line university.

You don't want to listen to me yapping all night.

We're going to start the show with a game called "film, tv, and theater styles.

" This is for ryan, colin, and wayne.

They're going to act out a scene.

I'm going to make them Adopt different styles of film and tv.

What I need from you guys Is kind of your favorite styles Of television, film, or theater.

[ shouting suggestions ]

"real world.

" okay, "real world.

" Man: Barney.

Barney.

"masterpiece theater.

" "masterpiece theater.

" "crocodile hunter.

" "croc hunter.

" Anybody else?

Latin american game show.

Okay, okay, okay.

That's plenty.

We got a lot.

Okay, we're going to start, and what's going to happen Is they're going to start out the scene normally, And then I'll buzz them in with these different styles That I choose, and the scene is Colin, you're a witch hunter, And you are about to burn ryan at the stake For being a witch, ryan being a young woman.

Wayne is her boyfriend, A farmer [ audience cheering ]

A farmer who has come to plead for her life.

So go ahead and start whenever you're ready.

Colin: Are you ready to die for your crimes?

I don't know why you tied me around a piece of meat.

Because I'm hungry.

[ blowing ]

Please, goody procter, I beg of you, Please do not burn the hair On my fair, beautiful maiden's head.

Fair?

Fair?

'tis true.

Look at her.

Oh [ buzzer ]

Drew: "real world.

" Perhaps if she picked up her laundry, I would not be burning her.

It's like this all the time.

All jebediah wants to do is burn people, man, Burn people.

[ buzzer ]

"masterpiece theater.

" Perhaps you can sway me from burning her If thou dost speak truly and clearly and make sense.

Cut me loose from the stake while he's not looking.

Surely, milady.

For all I ask of you Ow! Ow! Ha! I do see what you are doing.

Oh, looketh.

[ buzzer ]

Latin american game show.

[ imitates spanish ]

[ imitates buzzer ]

Sí, sí.

[ imitating spanish ]

[ laughing ]

Uno y dos.

Uno y dos.

[ imitates spanish ]

[ buzzer ]

Drew: Ha ha.

Barney.

[ imitating barney ]

why can't we all just get along?

Ha ha ha.

she's a witch, that is that she's barney's on fire stop, drop, and roll oh, my goodness, got fire in the hole [ buzzer ]

Drew: "crocodile hunter.

" [ imitating steve irwin ]

right, now we've got him down.

Let's get on top of him, see what he's got in here.

But don't let him bite you.

One bite from those teeth could prove fatal.

Right, come back here.

Right, come back here.

[ buzzer ]

Drew: Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Man, I didn't see wayne brady Crawl on the floor like that Since he was trying to be more physical than colin.

That's my goal, man.

Yeah, that was great.

1,000 points apiece.

Let's go on to a game called "duet.

" This is for chip and wayne, With the help of laura hall and linda taylor.

Now, what I need from the audience Is I need, from this section right behind me, Shout out a name of a household appliance.

[ shouting suggestions ]

Dishwasher.

Let's do dishwasher.

You guys are going to do a jitterbug song About a dishwasher.

That's what I said.

Jitterbug song about You know, I'm just reading the cards.

I'll sit back and enjoy it.

And take it away whenever you're ready.

[ playing swing music ]

Hey, chip.

What is it, daddy-o?

Those clothes are dir-ty.

Well, then I guess I'll put them In my dishwasher.

No, cat, you're talking crazy now.

[ laughs maniacally ]

Here we go! now let me tell you something my feelings were hurt I went outside and I rolled in the dirt so what could I do?

I gotta get a dishwasher, too I got so dirty that I looked like a hag put my clothes in my old maytag put a little powder in and turned the dial my clothes will be real clean in a while they're clean dish, dish, dish dish, dish, dish Jump over you.

now look at you don't get your feelings hurt my makeup's on you, gonna need to clean that shirt whatcha gonna use?

well I want things crazy, I want things great a dishwasher just won't clean your plate It'll clean your shirt, daddy-o.

You know it will.

Yeah! because we got it made, who needs cascade?

whoo we got it made Both: who needs cascade?

Whoo! Whoo! Wayne: That shirt is just done.

Oh, look at it.

Whoo! It's a dishwasher, not a washing machine.

That was like some crazy, out-of-control gap ad.

Khaki! Khaki! Yeah.

Springtime! Well, you know, 1,000 points apiece For finally catching on That you said clothes in the dishwasher.

And then fixing it at the end of the song, That was really quick, to go, "whoa, I said" Let's go on to a game called "song titles.

" This is for all four of you.

Wayne and chip, you're going to start a scene, But they can only speak in song titles, Not phrases from a song, words from a song.

The titles of a song.

I'll be very picky with the buzzer.

And when one of them goes wrong, The other guy will take their place.

Kind of a little contest we have To see who can stay up here the longest.

Also a real good party game, called "song titles.

" The scene is you are at an emergency room.

You're in an emergency room.

You can only speak in song titles.

Go ahead.

Wayne: Help! Sue-- susudio.

Dr.

Feelgood.

Achy breaky heart?

Billy, don't be a hero.

Help! Back to life.

[ buzzer ]

Wayne: In my head it's a song.

Oops, I did it again.

Take another little piece of my heart.

O canada! Have you ever been mellow?

The sound of silence.

I want to hold your hand.

She loves me.

[ buzzer ]

[ imitates monitor flatlining ]

Bye, bye, bye.

Teen angel! Stairway to heaven.

[ buzzer ]

I sh*t the sher-- oh.

Doctor, doctor.

Yellow submarine?

I only have eyes for you.

Simply the best.

I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts.

[ buzzer ]

Ha ha ha ha! Drew: All right, that was great.

We're going to go see a commercial right now.

We'll be right back with more "whose line is it anyway?

" Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?

" The show where everything's made up And the points don't exist.

That's right, the points do not exist.

They're like a real lesbian in a lesbian chat room.

Ha ha ha ha! Don't ask me how I know that.

I just do.

Now let's go on to a game called "party quirks.

" This is for everybody.

Chip chip's going to be hosting a party.

Wayne, colin, and ryan are going to be the guests, But each of them are going to have A strange quirk or identity.

We wrote what they're going to have on these cards here.

They've never seen the cards before.

I'll bring them in with the doorbell.

Try to guess who they are, okay?

Yeah, I'm just having a party.

No, no, I haven't met any of them.

Just found them all on the internet.

I'm sure they'll be perfectly normal.

[ doorbell rings ]

Got to go.

[ ring ]

Oh, come on in.

Ooh, craft services.

Hi, I'm having a party.

I'm sure they'll be here soon.

[ doorbell rings ]

You make yourself happy with the crackers.

Come on in.

Come on in! I've been waiting for you for so long.

Excuse me.

Come on in.

I don't know if you've met coco.

That's no good.

That's no good at all.

I demand you do something else in the scene! I demand it! [ doorbell rings ]

You can play twister.

I don't know.

Okay.

Come on in.

How's it going?

Not too much.

How are you?

Pretty good.

Listen, what can I get you?

Is there anything you'd like?

Yes his job.

Well, you're not going to get it, 'cause you're just an understudy.

[ buzzer ]

Drew: Yes.

Close enough.

Oh, some nuts.

Are Are you dating a chocolate bunny?

[ buzzer ]

Close enough, yeah.

All right, I got my eye on you, all right?

Don't steal the silverware and don't steal second.

[ buzzer ]

Don't steal home.

[ buzzer ]

It says here for colin that he has brought a date Covered in chocolate body paint And he's licking it off.

Oh, yes.

1,000 points for all the memories You brought back for me with this.

Now let's go on to a game called "greatest hits.

" This is for everybody, With the help of laura hall on piano, Linda taylor on guitar.

These guys are going to be tv commercial pitchmen, Talking about the latest compilation album They're trying to sell.

Wayne and chip are going to sing little songs That these guys are going to make up titles for.

What I need from the audience Is what you wanted to be when you grew up.

[ shouting suggestions ]

Drew: Cowboy.

Cowboy, cowboy, or cowboy.

Okay, let's hear songs of the cowboy.

Hi.

We'll be back to "the heidi fleiss story: What lies beneath" In just a moment.

But first, have we got a deal for you.

From the early days of the american west Well, pretty much only then We had cowboys.

But they were such mythic figures That for countless eons after, We have made music Celebrating them doing what they did best Being boys around cows, and other things.

They're songs about cowboys.

As a matter of fact, 43 songs on 2 cds, Including that great, great early vaudeville hit, Simply titled, "[ spits ]

ding!" [ country music playing ]

Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey! Whoa! Ha ha ha ha ha! now, someday when you are relaxing and you need something in your jaw when you're a cowboy like me you have no choice but to chaw on chaw you might think that I'm wacky 'cause all day that cuspidor sings Ha ha ha! but when I am chewing tobaccy I always gotta say [ spits ]

ding! Like this! moose [ spits ]

ding! moose [ spits ]

ding! moose [ spits ]

ding! Yee-haw! [ ping ]

but when I'm chewing tobaccy Hey! I always gotta say [ spits ]

ding! [ spits ]

ding! Hey, if you call right now, We'll answer! I don't think you really need to yell.

Well, it's exciting.

You know, I am a child of the '60s.

Ha ha No, really.

The later '60s.

Most of the '60s.

One of my favorite singing duos Was simon and garfunkel.

They did some great cowboy-related hits.

I remember.

Their top one, their bestseller, "the sounds of stirrups.

" well, there's a man I've seen him on his little horse and he's comin' at me how's he gonna ride to me?

he'll be in his saddle, and I hear him and know that I'm out of luck because when he goes zip, zip! that's the sound of stirrups well, that horse is so smart that I might think it's phony it's not really a horse it's really more of a pony I think it's sad that all the noise is shaggin' and my poor boots are draggin' in the stirrups the stirrups, I hear 'em I didn't know that stirrups even really made a sound I had no clue well, stirrups make a sound when your stirrups are draggin' on the ground I'm going solo.

Ryan: Boy That really takes me back to a time before I was born.

Yeah.

One style of music I've always been into Is the rap.

Oh! I watch w.

W.

F.

He is great! No, the music.

The rap music.

Oh, the rap! I thought you said the rock.

One of the first groups that burst onto the scene Was run-d.

M.

C.

Oh, run, run! And this is one of their greatest cowboy hits, "you yellow-bellied, lily-livered, ooh [ bleep ]

.

" Yeah! [ rap music playing ]

I'm the kid! kid! now, you better understand this understand now I am a boy, and I like to roll cows you are coward, you can't b*at me so how you gonna mess with run-d.

M.

C.

?

yeah, boy what's up in the house?

Where my dawgs at?

[ cheers and applause ]

yeah, well, you're all afraid 'cause you know who we are y'all step back when we step in the bar! you think you're scary, you're just kinda hairy but if you go with me, we'll just call you mary because you understand that, man, I'm a giver you are a yell-- yelly livered biller what the hell am I speaking?

how can I do this?

words that I'm seeking yellow-belly, yellow-belly [ imitates record scratching ]

lily-lily-liver Both: yellow-belly, yellow-belly yellow-belly, lily-liver Yeah, boy-ee! so you're a yellow-bellied lily-livered ass-kickin' that's what I'm givin' yellow Get out! What he said! Drew: Yep.

All right, we're going to go see a commercial right now.

We'll be back and find out who the winner is On "whose line is it anyway?

" Welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?

" The winners for tonight are all these guys.

It's a 3-way tie.

How about that?

And wayne! It's a 4-way tie.

Yeah! Uh, what we're going to do for you tonight a hoedown.

We'll have laura hall on the piano.

Thank you, laura.

What I need from the audience Is a suggestion of something that would change your life.

[ shouting suggestions ]

Plastic surgery.

Let's try the plastic surgery hoedown.

Whenever you're ready, take it away, laura hall.

[ playing country music ]

oh, once I was so ugly, I really did look nasty until I saw the doctor and I got rhinoplasty I went back and I went back, I didn't know when to stop you might not recognize me I was the king of pop one thing I always thought wasn't really for me was the thought of plastic surgery but let me tell ya, brother, and let me tell ya, jim before I had my face done, I used to look like him my plastic surgeon gave me a face that is so new and he also threw in a hair transplant, too oh, it was really wonderful the people made a cr*ck because they got all the hair from drew carey's back I went to the doctor I thought it was funny what I wanted to do cost a lot of money he did it right away and never made a fuss I took some of the inches from my feet and put 'em on my penis We'll be right back with "whose line" after this.

Hey, welcome back to "whose line is it anyway?

" Tonight we're going to have colin read the credits for you As a jilted bride left at the altar Being comforted by your bridesmaids.

We'll see you next time.

Thanks for watching.

That damned dan patterson! He used me and just spit me out! I'm going to sleep with everyone now I ever met Tom park, maybe, danny breen, Drew carey, even.

I don't care! How can he leave me?

I'm the best thing that ever happened to him! Steven blum, ron west none of them care! I loved him more than anybody! sinc by Gus