My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustached face This is The Cleveland Show.
Hey, beloved family, who I called five minutes ago asking you to wait, but now you're eating.
No matter, for I am happy because I got these.
Our tickets for the Commodores Gold Record and All-You-Can-Eat Jumbo Shrimps Cruise!
All you can eat?
Dyn-o-mite!
That's right, I'm gonna dine with all my might.
Ha!
What up, black people?
These threads ain't about the cruise.
I'm filling in for the Sandman at The Apollo.
But the Commodores, those cats are outta sight!
You dig?
Is everyone in this family stuck in the '70s?
Can any of you name a single current rapper?
What's a rapper?
Oh, Cleveland, you are stuck in the '70s.
They're the guys who wear the gold chains and go, "Wibbity-bop, flibbity-blop.
" Oh-ho, Donna, that is fresh.
Let's have some more of that!
Hootie-hop, hootie-hoo!
And a wop-a-doodle-doo!
Scratch, scratch, scratch.
Don't give me no jive.
Uh-huh, uh-huh Who bad?
I'm bad.
Her bad, mmm.
I'm bad.
Well, if we're going on a '70s cruise, I'm gonna go get un-waxed.
Oh, Cleveland, this cruise is gonna be fun.
But are you sure you can take the week off from work?
Of course I can.
Everybody gets off for spring break.
Flip to Adults don't get spring break.
Besides, you've already taken 132 vacation days since you started here.
I did?
What about sick days?
None left.
Bereavement?
If it's your immediate family.
Do you know how many children I have?
No.
The quintuplets have d*ed.
How?
God told me to drown them.
Get out of my office.
Hey, I won!
Oh, $5,000?
That's not enough to quit my job.
Stupid, dumb lottery!
I wish I worked for Cox Cable.
With their long Cox vacations, huge Cox vans, their delicious, barely-fit-your-mouth-around-it Cox muffins Hey!
No one loves Cox more than I do, but talking about it isn't gonna get you off.
Oh, if only there were enough weekends between now and the cruise, I could make up the hours ahead of time.
Wait a minute, you could just work 40 hours straight.
There's no rule says when you have to get your work done.
Like, just keep working around the clock?
Terry, that idea is-- what do the gays say for "good?
" Delicious?
!
No.
We say "good.
" Hmm.
I like "delicious.
" Bye!
Funny, a black couple, but a Chinese-smelling house.
Must be in the walls.
I've been hooking up some cable All the live-long day!
Hmm.
Maybe there's something on the radio that will keep me awake.
Welcome to The Quiet Storm.
Sit back, relax, close your eyes, and let us drive for you.
Mmm.
That sounds nice.
Look out for that truck.
Ah!
Truck!
Maybe something a little more upbeat.
Let's talk sports.
There you go!
Women's sports!
More specifically, women's collegiate hurdles.
Let's break in on the action.
No.
We count down your 1,000 favorite numbers.
At number 1,000: 1,000!
Number 999: 26.
Now here's Norah Jones.
Uh-uh!
You're listening to Sexy Talk with two aging p*rn stars.
Let's take a call.
We've got Holt on line one.
Yeah, am I on?
I'm six-five.
I'm really good at sex.
Ooh.
You sound like my uncle.
What's your question?
Can you say, "Holt, you're really good"?
Holt, you're really good.
Boom!
Ringtone.
We have breaking news where a farmer apparently lost all his sheep.
We're live on the scene talking to a witness.
Tell us what you saw, sir.
Well, I saw one sheep jump over the fence.
And then two sheep.
Three sheep.
Four sheep.
Five sheep.
Six sheep.
We have Gwyneth Paltrow talking down to us about acting and parenting.
I can do this.
All I need's another cap of coffee.
I don't know why people say staying up all night messes with your mind.
What do you think Donnie Darko rabbit?
I don't know.
That's how you talk?
!
Yes!
You're creative.
Sir?
Sir?
!
Wha?
Oh, sorry.
Give me your driest frankfurter on there.
Thank you.
Hey, pimples, what's the skinny on those Mega Energy Pills?
They're,like, you know, caffeine or something.
Truckers take them so they can stay up all night.
Truckers are so cool!
Breaker, breaker one-nine.
I got a Smokey on my tail, ten-four?
Hey-hey, that's pretty good.
I don't have time for your nonsense!
Let me try one of those.
I'm disappointed in you, C-Cup.
Thanks for keeping it warm for me, doughboy.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Cleveland Brown!
No, no, no, no, no, no!
Wow!
I'll take an ass-load of those pills, please.
Donna, I need a change of clothes and then Robert?
What are you doing here?
Eating turkey bacon.
You've been gone for two days, and these children need a father.
I've been working for two days!
Feels like two hours with these pills.
I'm talking 'bout installing some cable!
Everybody watchin' now!
All right, then.
Hey, Junior, it was fun speaking to your class.
Thanks for teaching us how to light a cigarette on the stove top.
Yeah.
And when you're 15, I'll teach you how to roll your own.
Wink, wink.
Cleveland, you've worked enough to go on the cruise.
Now it's time to put those pills away and get some rest.
Nuh-uh!
There's still days before this cruise.
I can keep working and have weeks, maybe even months off!
Months!
Do you know how long a month is?
I'm asking you a question, Donna!
Ah, forget it!
The pills will tell me.
That man's a mess.
Howdy, howdy, howdy, howdy, howdy, howdy, howdy!
Let's see.
Hmm.
How many Mega Energy Pills can I get for this?
This says: "Happy birthday, Rallo, from Grandma.
" And this is a Post-it note that says: "One hundred dollars.
" Is it hot?
It's hot in here.
Are you hot?
I'm hot.
Guy back there taking a long time with them pills, huh?
!
Sorry, sir.
I've been instructed not to sell you any more.
What?
!
You're demonstrating addictive behavior.
You seem like a nice person; I hope you get help.
No!
You go to hell, zit-face!
Hey, you guys want to make a quick buck?
Uh, is it gay stuff?
Do you need it to be?
No.
Good.
I didn't want to have to make that decision.
Here, take this money and buy me Sir, if you don't go away, I'll have to call the police.
Good-bye, Debbie.
I guess we'll never get to have ugly children together.
You checking me out?
Well, too late.
You can't have none of this!
And I would've done anything.
Anything!
Oh, thank goodness.
I had the strangest dream.
I dreamt I was addicted to energy pills.
Hmm.
I seem to have been accidentally tied to the bed.
We had to protect you from yourself.
Your dream was real.
Was it?
Hey, give me my pills out of my jacket.
You're not having any pills.
You're an addict!
Donna, I'm not an addict.
Now, if you wouldn't mind reaching into my anus and fetching me my private reserve.
Ain't happening, Brown.
We're having an intervention.
Yeah?
You and what army of family and nosy neighbors?
Us.
Oh.
What's up, Arianna?
Would you reach into my anus for me?
I'm sorry it's come to this.
You're going to rehab.
I say no, no, no.
Winehouse.
Dead.
Sad.
Didn't see it coming.
Did.
Cleveland, we want you better.
And we'll be here for you when you get out of rehab.
B-But I won't know anyone there.
You know what?
I think it'd be a good idea if Tim dried out a bit.
And Lester, too.
He's an alcoholic.
I'm just addicted to seeing you pretty.
Oh, Lester!
I'd better go, too.
I'm a sex addict.
Carpal tunnel.
Oh, this is so embarrassing.
We're all wearing the same smocks!
We don't belong here.
I mean, look at all these weirdoes.
I sold my penis for meth.
I got drunk and had sex with my boss's car.
I huff propane.
And the worst part is, I only took those pills so I could go on that Commodores Gold Record and All-You-Can-Eat Jumbo Shrimps Cruise.
And now I can't go.
Just don't think about it, C-bro.
Kind of tough not to think about it.
Hey, what're you guys looking at?
No, Shrimpy Dave, don't look!
Is that shrimp?
I'm off the wagon!
Ew.
I thought he'd be eating it.
Lord, help Shrimpy Dave.
Ow!
Ha-ha!
Boom!
You suck!
Yeah, this is better than a cruise.
I know you're disappointed, but we should be here in case Cleveland needs us.
Even though our bags are already packed and our non-refundable tickets are right there.
And that taxi's waiting outside.
'Ey!
You vashlooks order a cab?
Well, we could just take a ride in the cab with our bags, see where it goes.
We at least owe it to our bags to put them in the cab.
Screw it, let's go.
I guess everything I do is for him, just to hear him say, "I'm proud of you.
" Your father?
No, Bradley Cooper.
Well, we've made some progress.
You guys are out of your minds.
I'm going to take a shower.
Anybody want to take a shower?
All right.
I do.
This is ridiculous.
I don't belong here.
I belong on that cruise!
We're getting out of here.
And here's how The orderlies' shift change is at 12:32 exactly.
Tim, that's when you'll hack into the mainframe, disabling the security cameras.
That will allow me to climb up into the air ducts.
Holt, this is where you come in.
You're gonna create a diversion.
Can I do Church Lady?
Don't care.
I'm gonna do Church Lady.
Isn't that special?
That will allow me to drop into Lester's laundry cart, and then we'll all rendezvous at the nurses' desk, where we'll sign out because this is a voluntary facility, and we can leave any time we want.
See you later, Mr.
Brown.
Or not.
Totally up to you.
Sorry, Cleve-bro.
We're staying.
What?
We're making some real progress.
Okay.
Dirty-Rassen-frassenpercalumin chabadamin-back-rackalacka!
Ooh, a Jet Ski!
Spring break!
Cleve gone wild!
Ahh!
Aw, hell!
I keep waking up tied to a bed.
I feel like Hugh Jackman's cabaña boy.
You should be so lucky.
You were pulled from the water by Somali pirates.
And they k*ll everyone who isn't of use to them, including my poor wife.
Oh, hi.
I need to switch rooms.
This guy is bumming me out.
I don't know if you have any singles open or Silence!
Now that we have you, we don't need this frail, old man.
Well, that was a stupid move.
You're all under arrest.
For m*rder!
Aw, this soaks deck.
Hey there, Chief.
You mind if I pick up here tomorrow?
Say between 1:00 and 4:00?
See, I'm a cable installer Good, because our cable is out.
We missed the last Mad Men.
You will fix our cable.
Oh, this will be easy.
Good luck.
We've tried everything.
Oh, so pirates couldn't fix their cable?
That's right.
Exactly, so let me do what I do.
Caw!
Caw!
It is working!
Mad Men is on.
There's Pete Campbell.
Ooh, that Pete Campbell is a weasel.
Isn't he?
Yes, he is; I can't stand him.
Can't you?
Ugh, now I want to k*ll you again.
Do you?
Ahh!
Brick house The Commodores Gold Record and All-You-Can-Eat Jumbo Shrimps Cruise!
Our next target.
We are going to k*ll everyone on board and steal the gold records.
Wow.
It's the Commodores!
Ooh, I bet it won't take much to m*rder them.
And there's Donna Roberta Junior I bet Rallo's next.
Yep, called it.
Donna, Roberta, Junior and Rallo?
They went without me?
Oh, which hurts, but I should save them, which will require swimming.
Hmm, just had those saltines and cottage cheese 20 minutes ago.
So, in ten more minutes, I should be G-2-G.
I met the nicest couple from Baltimore.
They said their neighbor's granddaughter would be perfect for me.
You think that's code for fat or black?
Probably both.
Cool!
I like fat black girls.
I can't believe this cruise doesn't have cocktail sauce.
Finish your breakfast, Rallo!
Hey, Junior.
Huh?
All right, pirates, in one hour we board the cruise ship to r*pe, pillage and plunder.
Yay!
And maybe this time, a little less raping.
I think with the last boat, we all got a wee bit carried away.
We're better than that, you guys.
I never thought I'd say this, but if I have to eat one more friggin' shrimp I'm gonna k*ll myself.
I got one!
Okay, okay, stop it!
Oh, my goodness, a talking whale!
I'm not a talking wha Oh, come on, that's that's mean.
What mysteries of the deep have you come to tell me, o sea monster?
Junior, it's me.
Your dad.
Daddy!
"Dad," 14.
"Dad.
" Listen, we're in a heap of trouble.
Somali pirates are about to take over the ship unless we stop them.
Where's your mother?
She's dead.
Oh, right.
Where's Donna?
Cleveland?
You're all in grave danger!
There are Somali pirates they're gonna att*ck any minute now so we need to be prepared Ow, she's a brick house Give us the gold records, and nobody gets hurt until after we get the gold records.
Nevah!
Don't worry.
I'll blow these pirates away with the power of the funk!
Funk powerrrrr!
It's okay.
He wasn't one of the original members!
Oh, Cleveland!
So, you decided to go on the cruise without me, huh?
Well, to make it up to me Roberta, cover your ears.
I want two oral sins when I want them, even after a flight, and no reciprocals.
Get us out of this, and you can have one with no reciprocals and three egg cracks.
Mm.
Can I have an egg cr*ck now?
cr*ck.
Ooh Oo-hoooo, there's egg all down my shoulders.
Shiver.
So gooey.
Okay, stay here, I'll be back.
Oooh That was a delayed one.
Nice.
Hm-m-m.
We're doomed.
Hi, Daddy Dad.
Sorry, son.
I can't save us.
I don't have the energy.
Wait, my pills!
Junior, would you reach in my anus?
Sure!
Wait, let me check my pocket first.
Any last puns or wordplay?
You've heard of pirating cable, but how about cabling a pirate?
You have defeated us.
Have I?
Yes!
Ugh!
I hate you!
Do you?
Ahh!
Cleveland, you really saved the day.
Maybe I was wrong about you taking those pills.
I hope so, 'cause I haven't stopped.
Are you serious?
Y-Yeap-a!
Anybody know how to play the guitar?
Thanks for the time that you've given me The memories all in my mind You're once, twice, three times La, la, la-laaaaaaaa!
Hey, I'm Cleveland Brown, and we had a good time tonight-igh-igh-igh, and we talked about addiction which is no laugh---- laughing matter, which is why I'm back here telling you all this and we k*lled a pirate and whatnot, but please, addiction no bueno es bad.
C-Bro, we going to that party?
You betcha!